Wow, the stuff about your church isn't easy to read. Being shunned for that is pretty horrible. You did the right thing by going to other people with you issue and they failed you. I have been beyond blessed by the little church I found next to me. Despite small in a big city, they are alive and well.
The church that I grew up in specifically gave a 6 week sermon series on marriage and told the congregation to get help and fix things if needed. (autumn ridge church in Rochester MN if you are interested in hearing the sermons online- they were a blessing to me)
I think your husband probably isn't a true christian or is willing to put faith way in the back of his life, and that may very well be part of the church's issue if he has been there a long time. I'm not sure he can act like that and still just use his faith as a crutch like that. I certainly would not be certain of his salvation if he keeps a heart full of this garbage and is unwilling to change or care. Going to church every weekend and then spending all your time at home unrepentant treating your wife like garbage does not sound like he is filled with the holy spirit and given his full heart, soul, mind, and strength to God. A circumcised heart is called for, not showing up and doing the motions every week. There is a tremendous difference I'm sure you are aware of.
13 You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. 14 For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” 15 If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.
16 So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 17 For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.
19 The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.
How many fruits of the spirit would you say you see in your husband? How many acts of flesh would you say you see? (hatred, discord, selfish ambitions, more?) Does he love is neighbor(you are one of them) than himself?
I agree that forgiveness really would require repentance or space and time away from him, and very well might mean cutting all contact in a few years and giving up any will to harm him and leave that to God.
Is there any hope of going to a new church? One that is alive and full of God? That may be a powerful change in your life.
Something needs to change. You husband is stuck and unwilling to change. You church is of no help despite the fact that their role should be support and help in your marriage and rebuttal of your husbands actions. What can YOU do to break this cycle? I don't know the answer. Prayer like you have been doing is a great thing, but I think you need to act somehow.
Can you move into a different room in the house? Is actually filing for separation with support possible and financially possible?
If you do move to another room and go to a counselor, would he divorce you? Could you make ends meet with the settlement and support?
Finally, I listened to an upcoming sermon series about being a true christian that you might find valuable. The sermons are played on my local christian radio station. http://www.gty.org/products/Audio+Series/223#.TnwCkMLCuTk
The sermons are free of you click on listen. I very much like the preacher and sermons and listed to a ton from him now.
Blessing and prayers