Author Topic: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage  (Read 43501 times)

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Offline tallat

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Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« on: January 30, 2011, 09:38:12 AM »
Originally, when I first created this thread, it was with the sole purpose of trying to find others who were in a similar experience as myself. I know that there are many people out there, but it seems like it's hard to talk about...especially if you're a Christian.

A few weeks ago, I deleted almost all of my posts from here. I did this mainly because I was so tired of people trying to 'fix' my situation and my spouse. I didn't come on here for that. I came on here to hear from other people who are living in a loveless, sexless marriage. I want to know if you struggle emotionally and spiritually like I do. Or what are the ways that you have learned to cope? If you ended up divorced, are you glad, or do you have regrets now that you look back? How do you think the children are affected...not just by divorce, but also by seeing parents in a poor model of a marriage when there's no love or affection?

So, if you're reading this, and you're living in the same type of marriage that I am, please take a moment to post on here about your experience and how you deal, or have dealt, with it. It helps to know that you're not alone and that there are other people who are going through the same pain and frustration.
« Last Edit: November 16, 2011, 08:34:21 AM by tallat »
If you have love in your life it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you don't have it, no matter what else there is, it's not enough.
-- Unknown

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Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« on: January 30, 2011, 09:38:12 AM »

Offline Thankfulldad

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #1 on: January 30, 2011, 10:01:18 AM »
So sorry you have been carrying this burden; there is no easy answer, some will say live with it, some will say...get to the root of the problem and fix it.  Some will say pray, some will say put yourself in God's hands. 

Marraige is work...but, both need to work at it or it is all for not.  I would take your husband before the pastor and lay it all out there.  Maybe women will agree with me on this; I know when it is a man that is not getting the affection, some will say just live with it....don't put her through the humiliation.

Regardless...life, marraige life is self-less giving of one self to the other.  Your husband is not giving...he needs to know the truth!!!  And as a child of God....live the truth!!!  With the Holy Spirit working in His life...he can change!!!
I am what I am because of God's grace....

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #1 on: January 30, 2011, 10:01:18 AM »

Offline Nathanael

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #2 on: February 01, 2011, 05:27:17 AM »
I feel your hurt and am so sorry for you, I know how it feels to be lonely in mariage and starved of affection to the point of desperation. Its extremely hard.

You have sought God and He seems to have not responded, not answered, I know that painful place too. The reaction of your friends is sad and wrong, you need care and compassion not turned backs on you.

Perhaps you could take a fresh look at scripture. God created us to love and be loved by the opposite sex. Your needs are normal and marriage is the place God has provided for that to be lived out.

At the moment your husband seems to have no interest in fulfilling his part, which is to put your needs above his own. Perhaps certain things have happened between you that have caused walls to go up? Does he give any reason for his attitude? My soon to be ex wife had physcological issues to do with sex (due to being molested by a stranger in the street as a teen) which she took into our marriage. Then other pressures and trials increased her coldness over a period of years.

For your own sake you are probably going to need to set objectives. for example, you could commit to pray with a sympathetic christian friend (female only) for a period of forty days, that your husband will soften and change his hardness towards you and God. (he may think he is a faithful believer but his attitude to his marriage reveals a very hard heart to God) I know you already prayed but saving your marriage is worth a huge, perhaps last ditch, effort.

During the forty days you could embark on the 'Love Dare'.

At the end of the forty days you can review things and see what step is next. I do not think it is 'Gods will' for you to endure such a marriage. Marriage is about the participation of TWO people and God. I cannot agree with 'teaching' that says you should put up with being told you are not loved and never have been loved by your husband, with such an emotional abuse also being acted out through lack of physical affection.

Its like having a agonising cut in your flesh and not praying and if needs be getting it treated medically so that you end up poisoned and infected. Emotional torment through lack of affection from the one person you have devoted yourself to for life is just as deadly.

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #2 on: February 01, 2011, 05:27:17 AM »

Offline PatientMan

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #3 on: February 03, 2011, 10:14:45 AM »
Hello tallat.  I am grieve with you about your situation.  However, take heart because there is hope.  This is a Christian forum, you are Christian, so let me give you my heart and mind from a Christian perspective.  I've been married for 23 years and feel as though there isn't much between my wife and I in the realm of sexuality, intimacy, or togetherness in general.  However, we are functional.  Anyway, even though your situation looks dim I believe that it can turn around.  However, it will take selfless work on your part.

At this time I do not recommend that you take your husband before a pastor or any other counselor because that quite honestly will probably drive him further away.  At this point and time it appears that he has no desire to get together with you, but that can change.  Remember this one fact, which I tell people all of the time: Your husband is human and he does respond to things.  So give him something to respond to.  In no way am I suggesting that you have not done that in the past or that in any way this is your fault so to speak.  Remember that your husband is human and responds to things.  Therefore, since he married you in the first place I think it would be prudent to find out why he married you and what went awry from his perspective.  The only way you can do that is if you communicate.  Sure that is difficult now, but remember things can change.

With that said you must put your faith in God and assume that the marriage is restored and then do what you need to do to manifest that.  Remember that God is for marriages so he is on your side here.  It may look dismal now, but that again can change.  Are you ready.  Here is what I suggest.

Be kind to him even though he is not kind to you.  Love him even though he claims he doesn't love you (that can change in him).  Do good for him.  Treat him with respect and honor expecting nothing in return.  Consider a seed being planted in the ground.  You water when necessary, but you have no idea what it looks like under ground.  Soon you will see changes in him, but don't get ahead of yourself.  Stay in faith in God knowing that God is working through you and in your situation to restore your marriage.

Treat him as you would want to be treated even though he may not do it.  Say, "Good night" to him or good morning and just keep going like nothing happened.  Read your bible and say things that come from your bible reading.  For example, you could make a simple statement, "I learned that God really cares about me today.  That's refreshing."  After some time (at your discretion) you could say something like, "God loves you so I guess I love you too."  Just do little things and work your way up.  The above are only suggestions or guideliness.  You apply them as you see fit.  The ultimate goal however is to create a dialogue between you and your husband so that this can be resolved.

Move slowly and nudge the relationship along little by little.  Resolve the issues between the two of you and move to the next step.  Soon you'll have date nights and the flame is blazing again.  Surprise him with a gift--a small one.  Don't retaliate, but love him.  After all that is how God treats us.

Above all know that your marriage can turn around so believe that it will...that it has by faith and act on that belief.  I hope this helps.

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #3 on: February 03, 2011, 10:14:45 AM »

Offline mandyM

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #4 on: September 09, 2011, 12:10:09 AM »
Love, passion, and intimacy between a married couple are very important for them to have a long lasting healthy relationship and same as respect with each others' stuffs. But other couples have other hot big issues not with the later but with intercourse. For others, sex is a very big deal in a relationship and yes, it is really an important part between married couples and that is a hot issue nowadays. Comedian Rodney Dangerfield once said, “My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #4 on: September 09, 2011, 12:10:09 AM »



Offline PatientMan

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #5 on: September 09, 2011, 03:56:04 AM »
I agree.  Lack of sex in a marriage is a symptom of another problem.  It could be a medical condition, e.g., hormone problems, or it could be a lack of intimacy.  Sex is very important.  I consider the many empires that came down because of sexuality and the number of people who have had their lives ruined because of sex (adultery for example).  I recall when I was in grade school when a presentation was given to encourage us not to be part of the gang wars.  It was said, to my surprise, that most of the gang wars started over a girl.  Anyway sex is important and should not be ignored in a marriage.  Without it, for whatever reason, the relationship becomes strained and can indeed end whether it ends in divorce or not. 

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #5 on: September 09, 2011, 03:56:04 AM »

Offline anx

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #6 on: September 21, 2011, 11:35:29 PM »
He has already divorced himself from you and given himself up into whatever negative resentful state of mind rut. I highly suggest you do shake things up. I would suggest a separation, and that's not said lightly from a man going through a separation that is very hard for him.

You cannot allow your husband to treat you like this. It is not a christian additude from him.

He can protect himself from "actuall" hurt if he turns off emotionally like this. Despite that he is hurting all the time. He is in a mental trap of his own making.

Read the book love must be tough if you need encouragement. I applaud you for not turning his sin into your sin for this long. You God given will for a connection and sex knows full well this isn't right. You need to be the one to break the cycle. In six more years you will be in the same spot unless you make it change. It doesn't have to be divorce, but something else to stop this. Separation, marriage counseling, personal counseling, talk with pastor. Start small if you want and step it up, but you cannot be OK with this behavior.

Love is a choice not a feeling many times. Love doesn't spring up from the actions your husband is taking. He has killed any chance for it. It can come if he cares.

I wish there were more I could say, but the answer to your story lies in you making your situation different. I very much feel for you. Your husband treating you like this is horrible. He can chose a new path. His current path is already divorced from you.

Perhaps start a process of legal separation with child support and tell him as soon as it goes through you are moving out. Tell him you will stop the separation if full marriage counseling and putting this action before a pastor starts now.

Blessings

Offline TJW

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #7 on: September 22, 2011, 06:55:20 AM »

That is why you need to take the 5 years you have to develop some skills, get education, etc, the things which can change your earning capability.

And, I agree with you that you are already divorced in the real sense, the legal paper is only a formality at this point.

Offline TJW

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #8 on: September 22, 2011, 12:37:23 PM »
Good move.

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #8 on: September 22, 2011, 12:37:23 PM »

Offline anx

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #9 on: September 22, 2011, 05:46:07 PM »
I want to challenge you to do something.

First, you may have already done something like this. If you have, then I applaud you, but I you haven't I want you to try.

Quote
Mathew 18:15-17
    15 “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. 16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ 17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

Go and talk to a pastor or the Godliest man or woman you know. Someone whose opinion and counsel is good, clearly lives a Christian life every day, and is well known for kindness and love. I have known Godly people in my life who are the most loving and kind people I know go before a person and be salty for God and what is right and bring zeal to confront a wrong. A counselor would work too. Open up about this 110%. Get your husband then in front of the same person or pastor a week or two later. Bring this 100% out into the light and open. The pastor or person will clearly tell him that what he is doing is wrong and sinful and carrying out a sinful life full of anger and resentment is contrary to a christian life and lifestyle.

You husband does not deserve a second chance at his marriage, but none of us deserve salvation.

Quote
Mathew 6: 5-15
   5 “And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. 6 But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. 7 And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. 8 Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.
   9 “This, then, is how you should pray:

   “‘Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
10 your kingdom come,
your will be done,
   on earth as it is in heaven.
11 Give us today our daily bread.
12 And forgive us our debts,
   as we also have forgiven our debtors.
13 And lead us not into temptation,[a]
   but deliver us from the evil one.

   14 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

The lords prayer in Mathew is followed by a verse that challenges many of us to our core. Healing and restoration of your marriage is possible from BOTH of you, however, your husband needs to be in and committed to the marriage first, which he has up until this point refused to do. It will take time and be difficult to fix, but I can tell you that IF your husband does change his mind with help by God its worth it. If your husband has totally given himself up into this mess in his head, then bring him before your pastor or even the church to clearly tell him this is wrong.

I really want to you do this. It will probably be one of the most difficult things you will ever do, but 5 more years of this garbage isn't any better.  For me, my marriage difficulties has been easily the hardest thing I've ever done. There is simply no comparison to anything else. The next closest challenge in my life is grad school, and it does not even close to match the emotional struggle, struggle to become a better man and husband, and to change anything needed to make this work.

Blessings
« Last Edit: September 22, 2011, 05:54:37 PM by anx »

Offline GodWithUs777

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #10 on: September 22, 2011, 07:38:07 PM »
As for forgiving my husband, I do the best I can to not let things bother me, but it's really hard when it's perpetually in your face every single day. Usually, once you forgive for something, it's in the past and you can move on. But in my case, it's like being beaten every day and yet having to forgive while knowing you're going to be beaten again tomorrow. It just doesn't end and that makes it hard.

I just want to say that you can forgive him without staying in this marriage.  Forgiveness is to let go of all bitterness and anger towards someone for whatever wrong they did, and you can do that without staying around.  If you want to stick it out until your son and you graduate, thats fine too.  Its good that you are preparing yourself for what may come if you have to leave. 

I'm assuming that your husband is aware of his responsibilities as a husband.  His choice to neglect those responsibilities divorces him from you.  Doesn't he love you?  Does he care if you leave?  Was he like this when you married him?  Keep praying, but pray that God would give you peace, strength and joy.  Also pray that God would change your husband into the man he created him to be.  We can pray for you and him too. 

Im sorry your church is not an encouragement.  Coming here was a good move, there are a lot of people with great insights here.  Whatever you choose to do, remember just that, that it is your choice.  I pray that God will give you wisdom and strength while you go through this trial. 

James 1 "2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

Blessings.

Offline anx

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #11 on: September 22, 2011, 09:41:06 PM »
Wow, the stuff about your church isn't easy to read. Being shunned for that is pretty horrible. You did the right thing by going to other people with you issue and they failed you. I have been beyond blessed by the little church I found next to me. Despite small in a big city, they are alive and well.

The church that I grew up in specifically gave a 6 week sermon series on marriage and told the congregation to get help and fix things if needed. (autumn ridge church in Rochester MN if you are interested in hearing the sermons online- they were a blessing to me)

I think your husband probably isn't a true christian or is willing to put faith way in the back of his life, and that may very well be part of the church's issue if he has been there a long time. I'm not sure he can act like that and still just use his faith as a crutch like that. I certainly would not be certain of his salvation if he keeps a heart full of this garbage and is unwilling to change or care.  Going to church every weekend and then spending all your time at home unrepentant treating your wife like garbage does not sound like he is filled with the holy spirit and given his full heart, soul, mind, and strength to God. A circumcised heart is called for, not showing up and doing the motions every week. There is a tremendous difference I'm sure you are aware of.

Galatians 5
 
Quote
13 You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. 14 For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” 15 If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.
 16 So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 17 For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.

 19 The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

How many fruits of the spirit would you say you see in your husband? How many acts of flesh would you say you see? (hatred, discord, selfish ambitions, more?) Does he love is neighbor(you are one of them) than himself?

I agree that forgiveness really would require repentance or space and time away from him, and very well might mean cutting all contact in a few years and giving up any will to harm him and leave that to God.

Is there any hope of going to a new church? One that is alive and full of God? That may be a powerful change in your life.

Something needs to change. You husband is stuck and unwilling to change. You church is of no help despite the fact that their role should be support and help in your marriage and rebuttal of your husbands actions. What can YOU do to break this cycle? I don't know the answer. Prayer like you have been doing is a great thing, but I think you need to act somehow.

Can you move into a different room in the house? Is actually filing for separation with support possible and financially possible?

If you do move to another room and go to a counselor, would he divorce you? Could you make ends meet with the settlement and support?

Finally, I listened to an upcoming sermon series about being a true christian that you might find valuable. The sermons are played on my local christian radio station.
http://www.gty.org/products/Audio+Series/223#.TnwCkMLCuTk
The sermons are free of you click on listen. I very much like the preacher and sermons and listed to a ton from him now.

Blessing and prayers
« Last Edit: September 22, 2011, 10:16:02 PM by anx »

Offline anx

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #12 on: September 23, 2011, 06:46:23 PM »
One more thought. You have a lot of very good reasons why you are stuck in this rut. How can you get out without waiting 5 years and divorcing your husband?

College is a great start. What else?

Offline martial

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #13 on: September 25, 2011, 06:48:21 AM »
It is very sad to see a human being be treated like this. I can't imagine somebody going through this.
I am a  christian and I am not religious. Listen to your cry, there some questions that come to my mind. There certainly something more profound that you are not telling about either yourselve or your husband. For a man to go cold on his wife or the opposite, there most be a wound somewhere that needs to be healed. Unless that is done, there will never be a happiness relationship in your home. These are some questions that I would like you to think about:
-If you had a affair or any kind of a relationship with another man in the past  and your husband is aware, that can make him to behave such and live in regret.
-Maybe he is having something link to his heath and does not want you to know about.
-Maybe he had a affair that has landed him in hot water with his health and in order to protect you, he does not want to make love with you

Try to investigate those areas. If there is nothing, then he is selfish and ungodly. He need to know God and stop making you suffer, he his worse than an infidel. Therefore, I will sugest you to bring the matter to your pastor and to families as a last result because you cannot expect to live the rest of your life like that.
God wants us to enjoy sex in the marriage.
Please read my blog: BLOG.SUCCESSFULRELATIONSHIPANDMARRIAGE.INFO
you can read the book: Successful Marriage takes work by Sunday Adelaja at www.themonenes.co.uk or amazon

Offline anx

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #14 on: September 25, 2011, 11:22:51 AM »
You need emotional walls built around lies as high and deep as you can create them to do what he is doing to he. He absolutely has has guilt but is so emotaionlly walled off from himself that it doesn't affect him.

Although he seems happy, I think its more in control when he is alone. He can do whatever he wants and doesn't have to face emotions. A lack of drive to socialize and have a happy marriage isn't normal and SOMETHING messed up in his head (emotional walls, anger, whatever) is keeping him from that.

DO NOT have an affair. I applaud you for the strength you have had up until this point.

Revelations 3 (I've seen a few commentaries that direct these verses at the current church)
Quote
   14 “To the angel of the church in Laodicea write:
   These are the words of the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the ruler of God’s creation. 15 I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! 16 So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth. 17 You say, ‘I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.’ But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. 18 I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see.

   19 Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent. 20 Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.

   21 To the one who is victorious, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I was victorious and sat down with my Father on his throne. 22 Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches.”

Have you ever been to marriage counseling? We have a great counselor that I found online nearby. She is a 20 year counselor that specializes in counseling issues that we had (not specifially marriage, but she does marriage counselor). A skilled, christian counselor can dig this up. I am convinced he has to have emotional walls built as high as the sky to act like this. He will never tell you why EVER. There is a good chance its low self-esteem. Even if he is successful, its common. The issues in my own marriage could never be fixed by me. Even if I knew every facet of them. Without the help of this counselor, opening up these issues that were emotionally walled off would never have happened.

Growing up, he may have simply found it easier to wall off than seek praise, connection, and love of another. It doesn't even have to be anything major that causes it. Build that up over 30 years, and your left with your husband.

My suggestion would be getting in front of a SKILLED and EXPERIENCED marriage counselor and start talking. Even if you have resentment (you haven't said much about it, but this man has hurt you tremendously), I ask you get it going. Even if just for this man's eternal soul and not out of a will to be continued to be married to him. He still can return to the marriage and be a great husband IF HE CHOOSES.

You have 5 years and I ask you to PLEASE try counseling with someone skilled and experienced. It will be cheaper than a months rent in whatever place you would move into.