Author Topic: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage  (Read 61704 times)

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Offline Vianca2

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #70 on: Mon Jan 02, 2012 - 09:53:17 »
Originally, when I first created this thread, it was with the sole purpose of trying to find others who were in a similar experience as myself. I know that there are many people out there, but it seems like it's hard to talk about...especially if you're a Christian.

A few weeks ago, I deleted almost all of my posts from here. I did this mainly because I was so tired of people trying to 'fix' my situation and my spouse. I didn't come on here for that. I came on here to hear from other people who are living in a loveless, sexless marriage. I want to know if you struggle emotionally and spiritually like I do. Or what are the ways that you have learned to cope? If you ended up divorced, are you glad, or do you have regrets now that you look back? How do you think the children are affected...not just by divorce, but also by seeing parents in a poor model of a marriage when there's no love or affection?

So, if you're reading this, and you're living in the same type of marriage that I am, please take a moment to post on here about your experience and how you deal, or have dealt, with it. It helps to know that you're not alone and that there are other people who are going through the same pain and frustration.
I lived in lovess marriage where there was a constant verbal abuse.  My self esteem started to crumble and I even believed that I deserved  it.  On top of that I was afraid that my x husband was going to run away with my daughter.  But then a dear friend show me that I didn't have to live in this misery.  He told me things that I had forgotten.  He reminded me that I was not the scumbag and that I have a lot to offer to others.  So after counseling I decided to terminate my marriage.  It was as you can imagine very difficult at first.  But now looking back.  I am glad I did.

Offline tallat

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #71 on: Mon Jan 02, 2012 - 10:33:27 »
Just out of curiosity: what have you learned about yourself that's been encouraging in this situation? And, what things has God done to show you that He sees you despite all of this? 

I hesitate to answer your question because I think that most Christians won't believe me, but my answer is none. The fact that I have not seen God move in my life - in any way over this - makes this the hardest part about my situation.

My husband and I are both so unhappy that we really just want God to take one of us home (heaven). Neither of us have any joy in our lives anymore and this affects all areas of our lives. To live in such a depressive state for double-digit number of years, just has a horrible affect on one's life. I don't believe that God meant for life to be like this. I know that we should have trials and hard times, but they shouldn't be the day-to-day norm for years with nothing good in between.

My point is that I have prayed...gutwrenching, tear-filled, anguished prayers....to God for around 12 years now. I've prayed for a change in our marriage. I've prayed for God to just change me and help me to find some sort of love and happiness in this situation. I've prayed for God to open a door for me to get a divorce. I've prayed for God to just take my life. I've prayed for just some sort of answer to this.

But I've seen no answer at all. In fact, instead of anything getting better, it only gets worse. I could write pages and pages about that and give examples, but, of course, I'm not going to. But I will give one example. First, a bit of background.

I finally decided that I was going to get a divorce. And, after much praying and contemplating, I finally decided that it would be best for my son to leave him with his father so his life would stay intact and unchanged except for my leaving. This was a heartbreaking decision for me, but I'd reached a point where I was that unhappy and had to change something. I recently was asked if I wanted to go full-time at my job and I was SO excited because I felt that FINALLY a door was opened and I was going to be able to leave. I started checking on efficiency apartments and was thinking about what type of second job I could to supplement the full-time job, so I could leave. I figured that I would need a part-time job maybe one to two days a week along with my 40-hour week job and I was fine with that.

Then, a week or so ago, I found out that my full-time position is only 32 hours a week, not 40. This is a big difference in income and I was going to be barely making it when I thought it was going to be 40 hours, so it was like my hope was a big balloon and someone just popped it. I was back to square one. To leave now, would mean working probably 4 days a week at another job and I just don't have the energy for that long-term, plus I'd have to work around my first job's schedule and that would be virtually impossible to work that many extra days at a second job. Needless to say, I was crushed.

It just seems like God gives me just enough to keep me (us) going, but never enough to flourish. It's like being kept in a prison and given enough for daily survival and existence, but never enough to thrive or get out.

I know what God's Word says. I know that God hears me and I know that He loves me and I know that he has a purpose to everything. I try to keep believing that every day, but my life and my circumstances do not show any of that and I struggle with that...especially when I think that God is my Heavenly Father. I understand that life isn't supposed to be easy, but 12+ years of virtually nothing good is hard to understand. I've often asked God if he would please just give me a glimpse of the big picture.

When I think that our main purpose as Christians is to become like Christ, and to point people to him, this perplexes me even more. When you go through life crying all the time, depressed, and unable to smile...as a Christian, how is this beneficial for God's kingdom? Right now, based off my life, no one would want the God that I believe in and how can I even witness to someone when I am so unhappy? It just makes no sense.

But, as long as God keeps my heart beating, I know that he has me here for a reason and I just have to trust him for that.

Offline tallat

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #72 on: Mon Jan 02, 2012 - 10:37:47 »
Originally, when I first created this thread, it was with the sole purpose of trying to find others who were in a similar experience as myself. I know that there are many people out there, but it seems like it's hard to talk about...especially if you're a Christian.

A few weeks ago, I deleted almost all of my posts from here. I did this mainly because I was so tired of people trying to 'fix' my situation and my spouse. I didn't come on here for that. I came on here to hear from other people who are living in a loveless, sexless marriage. I want to know if you struggle emotionally and spiritually like I do. Or what are the ways that you have learned to cope? If you ended up divorced, are you glad, or do you have regrets now that you look back? How do you think the children are affected...not just by divorce, but also by seeing parents in a poor model of a marriage when there's no love or affection?

So, if you're reading this, and you're living in the same type of marriage that I am, please take a moment to post on here about your experience and how you deal, or have dealt, with it. It helps to know that you're not alone and that there are other people who are going through the same pain and frustration.
I lived in lovess marriage where there was a constant verbal abuse.  My self esteem started to crumble and I even believed that I deserved  it.  On top of that I was afraid that my x husband was going to run away with my daughter.  But then a dear friend show me that I didn't have to live in this misery.  He told me things that I had forgotten.  He reminded me that I was not the scumbag and that I have a lot to offer to others.  So after counseling I decided to terminate my marriage.  It was as you can imagine very difficult at first.  But now looking back.  I am glad I did.

I know that many Christians think divorce is wrong...for any reason it seems. Even though the decision was hard for you, I'm glad that you're happier and in a better place in life.

I can't wait until I can get a divorce and strive toward that goal every day. Right now, it seems financially impossible, but I'm not giving up.

Thank you for your post. It's nice to read about people who got out and are happier. It gives me hope that it might happen for me someday.

Offline thislittlelight

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #73 on: Mon Jan 02, 2012 - 11:32:41 »
tallat--I don't think I've responded at all to your thread, but I've read the whole thing as you've posted.  I just what to express how very sorry I am that you're going through this.  I so appreciate your honesty in sharing your experiences and feelings.  Although my situation is different, I can relate to your feelings of devastation and not being able to see God working through your situation.  Sometimes I cry myself to sleep at night with my arms wrapped around my Bible, begging God to show me himself. 

The Bible doesn't talk about situations like yours (or mine)--at least not that I've been able to find.  This is just my personal opinion about divorce, but I wonder if the Holy Spirit works individually in cases such as yours and is giving you peace to divorce, even if it doesn't fly with the traditional, fundamentalist teachings on divorce.  I'm not sure, it's just something that I've been thinking about lately.   

I will pray for you.  And I hope that your 2012 is a year of peace and change for you, however that happens.   

Offline terishere

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #74 on: Thu Jan 12, 2012 - 02:18:06 »
Originally, when I first created this thread, it was with the sole purpose of trying to find others who were in a similar experience as myself. I know that there are many people out there, but it seems like it's hard to talk about...especially if you're a Christian.

A few weeks ago, I deleted almost all of my posts from here. I did this mainly because I was so tired of people trying to 'fix' my situation and my spouse. I didn't come on here for that. I came on here to hear from other people who are living in a loveless, sexless marriage. I want to know if you struggle emotionally and spiritually like I do. Or what are the ways that you have learned to cope? If you ended up divorced, are you glad, or do you have regrets now that you look back? How do you think the children are affected...not just by divorce, but also by seeing parents in a poor model of a marriage when there's no love or affection?

So, if you're reading this, and you're living in the same type of marriage that I am, please take a moment to post on here about your experience and how you deal, or have dealt, with it. It helps to know that you're not alone and that there are other people who are going through the same pain and frustration.
I lived in lovess marriage where there was a constant verbal abuse.  My self esteem started to crumble and I even believed that I deserved  it.  On top of that I was afraid that my x husband was going to run away with my daughter.  But then a dear friend show me that I didn't have to live in this misery.  He told me things that I had forgotten.  He reminded me that I was not the scumbag and that I have a lot to offer to others.  So after counseling I decided to terminate my marriage.  It was as you can imagine very difficult at first.  But now looking back.  I am glad I did.

I know that many Christians think divorce is wrong...for any reason it seems. Even though the decision was hard for you, I'm glad that you're happier and in a better place in life.

I can't wait until I can get a divorce and strive toward that goal every day. Right now, it seems financially impossible, but I'm not giving up.

Thank you for your post. It's nice to read about people who got out and are happier. It gives me hope that it might happen for me someday.

Tallat, I haven't posted here in a while though I do read alot. I kept coming back to this thread for I've been dealing with a loveless marriage for 19 years. I actually separated for 2 years from my husband.

I came back a year ago, mostly due to finances, and sadly, there is no change with him. The shock of me leaving did nothing.

I have MS, which has made this situation almost unbearable. The emotional stress is causing flares and anxiety. I know I have to see a counselor and get anti depressants and anxiety medication. This is a horrible way to live. My husband shows no empathy, no feelings, no affection, no intimacy and no communication. (well, except anger)

After doing a ton of research, I came across a type of personality disorder called Alexithymia. It fit my husband to a "T".  The disorder is an inability to know what one is feeling, show empathy and so forth.

Knowing this though, doesn't make it easier living with someone like that, though at least now, I don't feel worthless or unlovable anymore.

Sadly, my husband will not get help for it and will not read anything about it.

I also want a divorce, but because of my health, I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to support myself. But regardless, I cannot live like this, anymore, until the day I die. This is a horrible existence.

I don't know if your husband has "Alexithymia" or not, but I thought I'd bring this up. Most alexithymias are not able to have successful marriages.

I wish you all the best and I pray God comforts your heart... believe me, I know the pain and despair you are experiencing. It's horrible and lonely

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #74 on: Thu Jan 12, 2012 - 02:18:06 »

Offline tallat

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #75 on: Thu Jan 12, 2012 - 21:07:12 »
Originally, when I first created this thread, it was with the sole purpose of trying to find others who were in a similar experience as myself. I know that there are many people out there, but it seems like it's hard to talk about...especially if you're a Christian.

A few weeks ago, I deleted almost all of my posts from here. I did this mainly because I was so tired of people trying to 'fix' my situation and my spouse. I didn't come on here for that. I came on here to hear from other people who are living in a loveless, sexless marriage. I want to know if you struggle emotionally and spiritually like I do. Or what are the ways that you have learned to cope? If you ended up divorced, are you glad, or do you have regrets now that you look back? How do you think the children are affected...not just by divorce, but also by seeing parents in a poor model of a marriage when there's no love or affection?

So, if you're reading this, and you're living in the same type of marriage that I am, please take a moment to post on here about your experience and how you deal, or have dealt, with it. It helps to know that you're not alone and that there are other people who are going through the same pain and frustration.
I lived in lovess marriage where there was a constant verbal abuse.  My self esteem started to crumble and I even believed that I deserved  it.  On top of that I was afraid that my x husband was going to run away with my daughter.  But then a dear friend show me that I didn't have to live in this misery.  He told me things that I had forgotten.  He reminded me that I was not the scumbag and that I have a lot to offer to others.  So after counseling I decided to terminate my marriage.  It was as you can imagine very difficult at first.  But now looking back.  I am glad I did.

I know that many Christians think divorce is wrong...for any reason it seems. Even though the decision was hard for you, I'm glad that you're happier and in a better place in life.

I can't wait until I can get a divorce and strive toward that goal every day. Right now, it seems financially impossible, but I'm not giving up.

Thank you for your post. It's nice to read about people who got out and are happier. It gives me hope that it might happen for me someday.

Tallat, I haven't posted here in a while though I do read alot. I kept coming back to this thread for I've been dealing with a loveless marriage for 19 years. I actually separated for 2 years from my husband.

I came back a year ago, mostly due to finances, and sadly, there is no change with him. The shock of me leaving did nothing.

I have MS, which has made this situation almost unbearable. The emotional stress is causing flares and anxiety. I know I have to see a counselor and get anti depressants and anxiety medication. This is a horrible way to live. My husband shows no empathy, no feelings, no affection, no intimacy and no communication. (well, except anger)

After doing a ton of research, I came across a type of personality disorder called Alexithymia. It fit my husband to a "T".  The disorder is an inability to know what one is feeling, show empathy and so forth.

Knowing this though, doesn't make it easier living with someone like that, though at least now, I don't feel worthless or unlovable anymore.

Sadly, my husband will not get help for it and will not read anything about it.

I also want a divorce, but because of my health, I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to support myself. But regardless, I cannot live like this, anymore, until the day I die. This is a horrible existence.

I don't know if your husband has "Alexithymia" or not, but I thought I'd bring this up. Most alexithymias are not able to have successful marriages.

I wish you all the best and I pray God comforts your heart... believe me, I know the pain and despair you are experiencing. It's horrible and lonely

Teri ~ I'm so sorry to read about what you're going through. There is just not much worse than feeling trapped and just being at your wits end for an escape. Sometimes, I feel like I'm in a glass cage prison where I can see out, but no one can see in. From my cage, I can see people who are happy, who are loved, who go about their daily lives and smile and enjoy life. But all I can do is watch....and cry because I'm so lonely. And yet, on the occasions when I'm temporarily out of my cage, I can't talk about my imprisonment or sadness. No, I have to smile and pretend that everything's okay. I go to my job and put up the front. I go to church and put up the front. I mingle with the public, and continue to put up the front.

As you know, marriages like ours are not marriages at all, but prison sentences. And when you don't have the finances to leave, then you're just stuck. I've been that way for years now and it's just like a heavy weight of hopelessness that you have to carry around every day.

I read about the illness that you wrote about and I'm not sure if that describes my husband or not. What is weird about my situation is that my husband was totally different when we were dating. He was very expressive, loving, affectionate, giving and thoughtfull. But the day we got married, it all changed...beginning with the night of the honeymoon and it's been disaster since. So, I know that he is capable of being different, but he won't act on it.

But he is totally unemotional and unexpressive now, except for sports. He will get very excited over sports and he will talk about sports to our son. However, when it comes to anything of a personal nature, he's like stone or a robot.

But, like you wrote, none of this matters if they refuse to get help. As long as our husbands are content to live the way they do, then all the problem identifying in the world doesn't make a difference. Like yours, my husband refuses to read a self-help book or get any professional help. He just doesn't care. It's like he's accepted that his ship is sinking and he doesn't care who he takes down with him. Me? Well, I keep trying to fight and tell myself that there's a better life out there, that there's the hope of finding love some day...out there. But right now, those chances seem out of my reach because I'm financially trapped.

Still, I keep hoping, and trying, and dreaming of a better life someday. I pray that God allows me to get out of here and start over while I'm still young enough to meet someone and have a normal, loving, affectionate relationship someday.

I hope this for you, too. Please continue to stay in touch and let me and those who read this know how you're doing.

Offline mrhide

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #76 on: Fri Jan 13, 2012 - 00:17:55 »
Quotes of Tallat

if I had it to do over, I would have divorced years ago when my son was little

I will add that our household is not an unhappy one for my son. There is no fighting or arguing; no degrading, or swearing, or raised voices, or hitting walls etc. My son is actually very happy and a well-rounded, gifted child.

It's been years now, and I am finally reaching my breaking point.

there is no true happiness when you're in a marriage that is without love and intimacy

you mentioned clinging to the good moments. Well, I can honestly say that we've had none since we've been married.

The fact that I have not seen God move in my life - in any way over this - makes this the hardest part about my situation.

My husband and I are both so unhappy that we really just want God to take one of us home (heaven).

My point is that I have prayed...gutwrenching, tear-filled, anguished prayers....to God for around 12 years now. I've prayed for a change in our marriage. I've prayed for God to just change me and help me to find some sort of love and happiness in this situation. I've prayed for God to open a door for me to get a divorce. I've prayed for God to just take my life. I've prayed for just some sort of answer to this.

But I've seen no answer at all. In fact, instead of anything getting better, it only gets worse.

When I think that our main purpose as Christians is to become like Christ, and to point people to him, this perplexes me even more





Reply my mrhyde
I do not have it as bad as you but my marriage has been losing love and intimacy for many years now and I dream of leaving the marriage.  There is a degree of love but it is shallow and fading. I know that it is both of our faults but I don’t want to spend too much time on that I just want out. I no longer care whose fault it is and do not believe that some of the things in our marriage that are negative are going to change.

Actually there is one sliver of hope and that is if I can leave and get separate housing and say  away from my wife that maybe we will change some things that need changing. However, I would like to get into the position that I can be satisfied with or without us going back together. If my situation gets as bad as yours I plan on leaving no matter what.

I have also had 12 years of diminishing love and intimacy but unlike you I have had a sliver of love and intimacy.

You quotes above indicate that you are in a marriage that is sucking the life out of you for 12 straight years. Have you thought about just leaving and moving in with a female room mate to help share expenses? In my way of thinking I would give it one last try and if that did not do it, I would leaver regardless. You said that your son is a very happy and well rounder so that is a relief and not something that would hold you to your depressed relationship. From what you said above you are going to become a dishrag and a door mat if you keep getting beaten down with your lack of getting your need of love and intimacy nourished.

I am in awe of my grandmother. She was in her 30s when she decided to look to God for her emptiness which was much like yours. My grandfather was worse than your husband. My grandmother had several pre-teen children and had no skills other than hard manual labor. She had no running water or indoor plumbing and there were no social services then.  She became so contented after a few years and would not go back to my grandfather when he came back. I saw no sadness, no downtrodden disposition, but she did have much contentment and a high degree of fulfillment from her spiritual condition. My guess would be that she may have missed having a husband at first but later she sure was a LOT better off in so many ways than most married women that had an average to above average marriage. She may never had wanted another man. We just did not talk about that.

My grandmother found her fulfillment in her spiritual life and it was a very high degree of fulfillment. This is what I saw with her from her 50s until her death in her 90s. My father said that she was that way in her 40s also; my father waas too young to notice her 30s. She would often tell us how blessed she was and how good life was with God. You just cannot fake that for 40-50 years!

From my grandmother’s story I would say the lesson is to fill yourself our with God who will never let you down. Break away from the chains of thinking that only a man can bring you joy. Don’t hold your emotions and life hostage to depending on a man to make your life worth living. With mankind you will always get hurt and you can never have complete security nor will you ever get that deep unconditional love that you desire.  As corny as it may sound to you, God is the only one that can fill those shoes. I do not say that out of theory but as an eye witness to my grandmother for 40 years.

Offline terishere

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #77 on: Fri Jan 13, 2012 - 09:44:30 »
Originally, when I first created this thread, it was with the sole purpose of trying to find others who were in a similar experience as myself. I know that there are many people out there, but it seems like it's hard to talk about...especially if you're a Christian.

A few weeks ago, I deleted almost all of my posts from here. I did this mainly because I was so tired of people trying to 'fix' my situation and my spouse. I didn't come on here for that. I came on here to hear from other people who are living in a loveless, sexless marriage. I want to know if you struggle emotionally and spiritually like I do. Or what are the ways that you have learned to cope? If you ended up divorced, are you glad, or do you have regrets now that you look back? How do you think the children are affected...not just by divorce, but also by seeing parents in a poor model of a marriage when there's no love or affection?

So, if you're reading this, and you're living in the same type of marriage that I am, please take a moment to post on here about your experience and how you deal, or have dealt, with it. It helps to know that you're not alone and that there are other people who are going through the same pain and frustration.
I lived in lovess marriage where there was a constant verbal abuse.  My self esteem started to crumble and I even believed that I deserved  it.  On top of that I was afraid that my x husband was going to run away with my daughter.  But then a dear friend show me that I didn't have to live in this misery.  He told me things that I had forgotten.  He reminded me that I was not the scumbag and that I have a lot to offer to others.  So after counseling I decided to terminate my marriage.  It was as you can imagine very difficult at first.  But now looking back.  I am glad I did.

I know that many Christians think divorce is wrong...for any reason it seems. Even though the decision was hard for you, I'm glad that you're happier and in a better place in life.

I can't wait until I can get a divorce and strive toward that goal every day. Right now, it seems financially impossible, but I'm not giving up.

Thank you for your post. It's nice to read about people who got out and are happier. It gives me hope that it might happen for me someday.

Tallat, I haven't posted here in a while though I do read alot. I kept coming back to this thread for I've been dealing with a loveless marriage for 19 years. I actually separated for 2 years from my husband.

I came back a year ago, mostly due to finances, and sadly, there is no change with him. The shock of me leaving did nothing.

I have MS, which has made this situation almost unbearable. The emotional stress is causing flares and anxiety. I know I have to see a counselor and get anti depressants and anxiety medication. This is a horrible way to live. My husband shows no empathy, no feelings, no affection, no intimacy and no communication. (well, except anger)

After doing a ton of research, I came across a type of personality disorder called Alexithymia. It fit my husband to a "T".  The disorder is an inability to know what one is feeling, show empathy and so forth.

Knowing this though, doesn't make it easier living with someone like that, though at least now, I don't feel worthless or unlovable anymore.

Sadly, my husband will not get help for it and will not read anything about it.

I also want a divorce, but because of my health, I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to support myself. But regardless, I cannot live like this, anymore, until the day I die. This is a horrible existence.

I don't know if your husband has "Alexithymia" or not, but I thought I'd bring this up. Most alexithymias are not able to have successful marriages.

I wish you all the best and I pray God comforts your heart... believe me, I know the pain and despair you are experiencing. It's horrible and lonely

Teri ~ I'm so sorry to read about what you're going through. There is just not much worse than feeling trapped and just being at your wits end for an escape. Sometimes, I feel like I'm in a glass cage prison where I can see out, but no one can see in. From my cage, I can see people who are happy, who are loved, who go about their daily lives and smile and enjoy life. But all I can do is watch....and cry because I'm so lonely. And yet, on the occasions when I'm temporarily out of my cage, I can't talk about my imprisonment or sadness. No, I have to smile and pretend that everything's okay. I go to my job and put up the front. I go to church and put up the front. I mingle with the public, and continue to put up the front.

As you know, marriages like ours are not marriages at all, but prison sentences. And when you don't have the finances to leave, then you're just stuck. I've been that way for years now and it's just like a heavy weight of hopelessness that you have to carry around every day.

I read about the illness that you wrote about and I'm not sure if that describes my husband or not. What is weird about my situation is that my husband was totally different when we were dating. He was very expressive, loving, affectionate, giving and thoughtfull. But the day we got married, it all changed...beginning with the night of the honeymoon and it's been disaster since. So, I know that he is capable of being different, but he won't act on it.

But he is totally unemotional and unexpressive now, except for sports. He will get very excited over sports and he will talk about sports to our son. However, when it comes to anything of a personal nature, he's like stone or a robot.

But, like you wrote, none of this matters if they refuse to get help. As long as our husbands are content to live the way they do, then all the problem identifying in the world doesn't make a difference. Like yours, my husband refuses to read a self-help book or get any professional help. He just doesn't care. It's like he's accepted that his ship is sinking and he doesn't care who he takes down with him. Me? Well, I keep trying to fight and tell myself that there's a better life out there, that there's the hope of finding love some day...out there. But right now, those chances seem out of my reach because I'm financially trapped.

Still, I keep hoping, and trying, and dreaming of a better life someday. I pray that God allows me to get out of here and start over while I'm still young enough to meet someone and have a normal, loving, affectionate relationship someday.

I hope this for you, too. Please continue to stay in touch and let me and those who read this know how you're doing.

Tallat, I understand completely about the "glass house". Almost everyone I know thought everything was fine in my marriage. I also look at loving couples and it saddens me that I don't have that.

As far as alexithymia is concerned, from all my research and talking with other alexithymias, many of them have shown affection to those they were dating because they knew it was expected, but they did it with no feeling behind it. It was mechanical and robotic. My husband was affectionate before we married, though I knew something was 'off", I couldn't put my finger on it. But, I ignored it because he was calm, was affection, responsible etc.. so I figured that it was me

Once the honeymoon was over, everything changed. He  became stoic, no affection, no communicating on an emotional level, no empathy, woulnd't make eye contact... just nothing.

I was talking with him yesterday and asked him what he thought when I would tell him I was unhappy, that there was no emotional connection, that I was lonely etc... He said "I thought you were just talking". I was dumbfounded!!! After discussing it more I realized that all these years, he was just placating me. He just thought I was being "female". In his mind, my feeling meant nothing, I was just being an irrational and emotional female. The truth is, I'm very rational, very analytical and very self aware, He has so little respect for me, to brush off my feelings that way.

He put all his emotional deficits on me by making me feel like I was the unreasonable one. He would get annoyed, blame or make excuses. His apathy towards me when I was in a full blown flare was my fault according to him, yet he did it to my dad when he lived with us. My father lived with us for about 5 years. My husband was fine with him until my dad had heart valve replacement surgery and suffered severe complication and was put on life support. Once my dad came off life support and had rehabilitation, he came back home with us. I had to keep up the care at home. My husband never helped with the care and started becoming  mean towards my father. It got so bad that my father decided to go into a nursing home. When I discussed my husband's behavior towards my father with my husband, he blamed it on my dad, saying he was angry at what my father put me through while growing up. Though it might be true about my father's behavior while I was growing up, that is besides the point. 1.. My father made amends and was truly remorseful, and 2..the whole time my father lived with us, my husband was fine with him, that is until my father became ill.

My husband is the same way with me when I'm ill. I think, if he has to be the caregiver, it touches on something emotional with in himself, which he can't deal with it.

And, believe it or not, no matter how many times I talked about how unhappy I was, what I needed from him and so forth, with all of that, he thought the marriage was fine. To him, all his emotional needs were being met, and apparently that is all that matters to him. Actually, many alexis have said, "for the other person to be present" is as deep as their emotional needs go.

Sorry for rambling... I have so many thoughts going on in my mind and so much I want to touch on..but it's too much within one post.

I do feel for you... this is a horrible existence....and my husband's, as your husband's vow to love, honor and cherished us, has been badly broken

cs80918

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #78 on: Fri Jan 13, 2012 - 16:27:27 »
Originally, when I first created this thread, it was with the sole purpose of trying to find others who were in a similar experience as myself. I know that there are many people out there, but it seems like it's hard to talk about...especially if you're a Christian.

A few weeks ago, I deleted almost all of my posts from here. I did this mainly because I was so tired of people trying to 'fix' my situation and my spouse. I didn't come on here for that. I came on here to hear from other people who are living in a loveless, sexless marriage. I want to know if you struggle emotionally and spiritually like I do. Or what are the ways that you have learned to cope? If you ended up divorced, are you glad, or do you have regrets now that you look back? How do you think the children are affected...not just by divorce, but also by seeing parents in a poor model of a marriage when there's no love or affection?

So, if you're reading this, and you're living in the same type of marriage that I am, please take a moment to post on here about your experience and how you deal, or have dealt, with it. It helps to know that you're not alone and that there are other people who are going through the same pain and frustration.

Maybe, women would be better off if they tried to fix a problem instead of talk about it.  Yes, there are thousands of people that share your pain.

Now, work on fixing the problem. 

Do you look at a math problem and talk about how it makes you feel or do you work on solving it?

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #78 on: Fri Jan 13, 2012 - 16:27:27 »

Offline tallat

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #79 on: Fri Jan 13, 2012 - 22:24:41 »
Originally, when I first created this thread, it was with the sole purpose of trying to find others who were in a similar experience as myself. I know that there are many people out there, but it seems like it's hard to talk about...especially if you're a Christian.

A few weeks ago, I deleted almost all of my posts from here. I did this mainly because I was so tired of people trying to 'fix' my situation and my spouse. I didn't come on here for that. I came on here to hear from other people who are living in a loveless, sexless marriage. I want to know if you struggle emotionally and spiritually like I do. Or what are the ways that you have learned to cope? If you ended up divorced, are you glad, or do you have regrets now that you look back? How do you think the children are affected...not just by divorce, but also by seeing parents in a poor model of a marriage when there's no love or affection?

So, if you're reading this, and you're living in the same type of marriage that I am, please take a moment to post on here about your experience and how you deal, or have dealt, with it. It helps to know that you're not alone and that there are other people who are going through the same pain and frustration.


Maybe, women would be better off if they tried to fix a problem instead of talk about it.  Yes, there are thousands of people that share your pain.

Now, work on fixing the problem. 

Do you look at a math problem and talk about how it makes you feel or do you work on solving it?

Seriously...you're using solving a math problem as an example? Wow! You obviously have absolutely no clue and you're cold, matter-of-fact message only proves that even more.

Do you really think that we haven't been trying to figure out how to fix this for years? Do you really believe that we enjoy having to be on this site and talk about our pain? Let me tell you, we come on here because we have nowhere else to turn and it helps to talk to people who are in the same situation and can understand.

Why do you think that support groups exist? It's because it helps to be able to communicate with other people. But people who are in marriages like mine don't have support groups to go to. It's not easy to find people like me, and others who have posted, because we have to live in silence or live a facade.

Like I previously stated, you have no clue and you should really praise God for that instead of being so judgmental about something that you know nothing about. Responses like yours do not help those of us who are struggling, and it's certainly not encouraging.

Our situations are not easily "fixable" like a math problem. Many of us are stuck due to finances, or illness, or because of children, etc. When human lives, human actions and human choices are involved, nothing is easily fixable.


Offline Lavender

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #80 on: Fri Jan 13, 2012 - 23:14:08 »
Quotes of Tallat

if I had it to do over, I would have divorced years ago when my son was little

I will add that our household is not an unhappy one for my son. There is no fighting or arguing; no degrading, or swearing, or raised voices, or hitting walls etc. My son is actually very happy and a well-rounded, gifted child.

It's been years now, and I am finally reaching my breaking point.

there is no true happiness when you're in a marriage that is without love and intimacy

you mentioned clinging to the good moments. Well, I can honestly say that we've had none since we've been married.

The fact that I have not seen God move in my life - in any way over this - makes this the hardest part about my situation.

My husband and I are both so unhappy that we really just want God to take one of us home (heaven).

My point is that I have prayed...gutwrenching, tear-filled, anguished prayers....to God for around 12 years now. I've prayed for a change in our marriage. I've prayed for God to just change me and help me to find some sort of love and happiness in this situation. I've prayed for God to open a door for me to get a divorce. I've prayed for God to just take my life. I've prayed for just some sort of answer to this.

But I've seen no answer at all. In fact, instead of anything getting better, it only gets worse.

When I think that our main purpose as Christians is to become like Christ, and to point people to him, this perplexes me even more





Reply my mrhyde
I do not have it as bad as you but my marriage has been losing love and intimacy for many years now and I dream of leaving the marriage.  There is a degree of love but it is shallow and fading. I know that it is both of our faults but I don’t want to spend too much time on that I just want out. I no longer care whose fault it is and do not believe that some of the things in our marriage that are negative are going to change.

Actually there is one sliver of hope and that is if I can leave and get separate housing and say  away from my wife that maybe we will change some things that need changing. However, I would like to get into the position that I can be satisfied with or without us going back together. If my situation gets as bad as yours I plan on leaving no matter what.

I have also had 12 years of diminishing love and intimacy but unlike you I have had a sliver of love and intimacy.

You quotes above indicate that you are in a marriage that is sucking the life out of you for 12 straight years. Have you thought about just leaving and moving in with a female room mate to help share expenses? In my way of thinking I would give it one last try and if that did not do it, I would leaver regardless. You said that your son is a very happy and well rounder so that is a relief and not something that would hold you to your depressed relationship. From what you said above you are going to become a dishrag and a door mat if you keep getting beaten down with your lack of getting your need of love and intimacy nourished.

I am in awe of my grandmother. She was in her 30s when she decided to look to God for her emptiness which was much like yours. My grandfather was worse than your husband. My grandmother had several pre-teen children and had no skills other than hard manual labor. She had no running water or indoor plumbing and there were no social services then.  She became so contented after a few years and would not go back to my grandfather when he came back. I saw no sadness, no downtrodden disposition, but she did have much contentment and a high degree of fulfillment from her spiritual condition. My guess would be that she may have missed having a husband at first but later she sure was a LOT better off in so many ways than most married women that had an average to above average marriage. She may never had wanted another man. We just did not talk about that.

My grandmother found her fulfillment in her spiritual life and it was a very high degree of fulfillment. This is what I saw with her from her 50s until her death in her 90s. My father said that she was that way in her 40s also; my father waas too young to notice her 30s. She would often tell us how blessed she was and how good life was with God. You just cannot fake that for 40-50 years!

From my grandmother’s story I would say the lesson is to fill yourself our with God who will never let you down. Break away from the chains of thinking that only a man can bring you joy. Don’t hold your emotions and life hostage to depending on a man to make your life worth living. With mankind you will always get hurt and you can never have complete security nor will you ever get that deep unconditional love that you desire.  As corny as it may sound to you, God is the only one that can fill those shoes. I do not say that out of theory but as an eye witness to my grandmother for 40 years.



BRAVO. mrhyde, BRAVO!!!!!

Offline tallat

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #81 on: Sat Jan 14, 2012 - 09:54:25 »
Quotes of Tallat

if I had it to do over, I would have divorced years ago when my son was little

I will add that our household is not an unhappy one for my son. There is no fighting or arguing; no degrading, or swearing, or raised voices, or hitting walls etc. My son is actually very happy and a well-rounded, gifted child.

It's been years now, and I am finally reaching my breaking point.

there is no true happiness when you're in a marriage that is without love and intimacy

you mentioned clinging to the good moments. Well, I can honestly say that we've had none since we've been married.

The fact that I have not seen God move in my life - in any way over this - makes this the hardest part about my situation.

My husband and I are both so unhappy that we really just want God to take one of us home (heaven).

My point is that I have prayed...gutwrenching, tear-filled, anguished prayers....to God for around 12 years now. I've prayed for a change in our marriage. I've prayed for God to just change me and help me to find some sort of love and happiness in this situation. I've prayed for God to open a door for me to get a divorce. I've prayed for God to just take my life. I've prayed for just some sort of answer to this.

But I've seen no answer at all. In fact, instead of anything getting better, it only gets worse.

When I think that our main purpose as Christians is to become like Christ, and to point people to him, this perplexes me even more





Reply my mrhyde
I do not have it as bad as you but my marriage has been losing love and intimacy for many years now and I dream of leaving the marriage.  There is a degree of love but it is shallow and fading. I know that it is both of our faults but I don’t want to spend too much time on that I just want out. I no longer care whose fault it is and do not believe that some of the things in our marriage that are negative are going to change.

Actually there is one sliver of hope and that is if I can leave and get separate housing and say  away from my wife that maybe we will change some things that need changing. However, I would like to get into the position that I can be satisfied with or without us going back together. If my situation gets as bad as yours I plan on leaving no matter what.

I have also had 12 years of diminishing love and intimacy but unlike you I have had a sliver of love and intimacy.

You quotes above indicate that you are in a marriage that is sucking the life out of you for 12 straight years. Have you thought about just leaving and moving in with a female room mate to help share expenses? In my way of thinking I would give it one last try and if that did not do it, I would leaver regardless. You said that your son is a very happy and well rounder so that is a relief and not something that would hold you to your depressed relationship. From what you said above you are going to become a dishrag and a door mat if you keep getting beaten down with your lack of getting your need of love and intimacy nourished.

I am in awe of my grandmother. She was in her 30s when she decided to look to God for her emptiness which was much like yours. My grandfather was worse than your husband. My grandmother had several pre-teen children and had no skills other than hard manual labor. She had no running water or indoor plumbing and there were no social services then.  She became so contented after a few years and would not go back to my grandfather when he came back. I saw no sadness, no downtrodden disposition, but she did have much contentment and a high degree of fulfillment from her spiritual condition. My guess would be that she may have missed having a husband at first but later she sure was a LOT better off in so many ways than most married women that had an average to above average marriage. She may never had wanted another man. We just did not talk about that.

My grandmother found her fulfillment in her spiritual life and it was a very high degree of fulfillment. This is what I saw with her from her 50s until her death in her 90s. My father said that she was that way in her 40s also; my father waas too young to notice her 30s. She would often tell us how blessed she was and how good life was with God. You just cannot fake that for 40-50 years!

From my grandmother’s story I would say the lesson is to fill yourself our with God who will never let you down. Break away from the chains of thinking that only a man can bring you joy. Don’t hold your emotions and life hostage to depending on a man to make your life worth living. With mankind you will always get hurt and you can never have complete security nor will you ever get that deep unconditional love that you desire.  As corny as it may sound to you, God is the only one that can fill those shoes. I do not say that out of theory but as an eye witness to my grandmother for 40 years.


Mrhide ~ Thank you for sharing about your grandmother. She sounds like an amazing woman and she obviously left an amazing spiritual legacy for you.

After reading your post, and then the one after that where the writer criticized women for talking about their problems instead of just fixing them, I sat up last night till late and thought about my life and all this. I asked myself if the problem is me. Am I living with blinders on or something? Are the answers right under my nose and I just don't see them?

What you have described about your grandmother is something that I have wanted and prayed for. I can't count how many hundreds of times I have cried and prayed out to God to change me, to fill me, to make me content in Him alone, to let His love and the hope of Heaven be enough for me on this earth. That has been my heart's desire...always.
But it's never happened. The love I know that God has for me remains an intellectual one because my heart is still empty.

I don't doubt that I'm the problem. This is probably because I have no human relationship to gauge a spiritual relationship off of. Let me explain a little:

I was born into a horrendously abusive and dysfunctional family. Divorce, abandonment, incest, and other abuses were common...especially for me. I have had 5 parental figures - 3 dads and 2 moms. Of those 5, one died, one gave me up because I was too much of a burden, one was emotionally and verbally abusive, one was cold and unloving toward me and then ultimately gave me up as well, and the other was sexually abusive toward me for over half of my child/teen life. And all this took place while no one else in my family did or said anything. Consequently, I never knew any form of normal, unconditional love growing up. And to this day, I have no real family.

Now, I did over come all that. I went to bi-weekly counseling sessions for a few years and I worked through all that damage to become a functional, healthy adult.

Then, I met my husband. He was a really nice guy, came from a great, loving family, was a born-again Christian, and had a good job. We had a normal dating relationship and I loved him and he said he loved me. We got engaged, but waited until we were married to have sex. We also went through pre-marital counseling. My point is that I tried to do everything I could to make a wise decision before we got married, and to have God's blessing.

As I've written in my other posts, it's been disaster ever since as he totally changed the night of the honeymoon. I'm now married to a human robot who doesn't feel, doesn't talk, doesn't love me, and doesn't care to touch me in any way whatsoever, not even to hug.

For years, my dad was sexual with me, beginning at the age of 12. He also forced me to have sex with other men. Looking back now, it was probably for money. He taught me that all I was good for was sex. After I got out of that, and went through counseling, my greatest dream was to find a man who would love me for me and to know what it was like to be made love to, and not just had sex with.

So, I get married and I'm so excited to finally have that dream come true, and then my marriage ends up like this. I can't even pen in words how devastating this is for me.

My point of all that is to explain that I've had no normal relationships in the areas that set the stage for accepting God's relationship. My father-child one was very bad and my husband-wife has been very bad. I've had biological parents, adoptive parents, and step parents, and they were all bad, unloving, abusive relationships.

As for friends, I use to have many...all at church. I used to be very active in church and had a great social life, but my marriage made that facade difficult over time. Also, several years ago, I tried to confide in my friends about how bad my marriage is, and they all stopped talking to me after they found out what my marriage was like. So I now have only one close friend and she lives several hundred miles away.

My work requires me to interact with people constantly, but it's on a very superficial level. I work with one other person on a close level, and she is half my age, single, and we have nothing in common.

So, my life is very empty of love, of relationships, of social life....pretty much everything meaningful. I want to be content in God alone, but it's just not enough for me. I want and need something tangible in the form of human beings. I don't think this is wrong because God created us for relationships. Considering he is a jealous God, he must want these relationships to exist because he is the one who created marriage. I don't believe that God ever intended us to live this life with nothing else except our relationship with Him.

Regardless, all the Bible knowledge, all the praying, all the Bible reading don't remove the aches and longings to be loved and wanted by someone. It's like my friend once said:  "I want to know what it's like to be happy and loved now. Not when I die and go to Heaven."

It's like waking up every day with no food and slowly starving to death. Ironically, no one would just tell you to find your sustenance in God alone....trust Him to be your bread and your water. No, they would tell you to get something to eat.  And no matter how hard you tried to find your contentment in God alone, the hunger pains and the malnutrition would still exist and slowly kill your body. Why? Because God never intended for us to depend on Him alone for our physical needs. No, that's why he created food.

Anyway, my final point of all this is that I don't know how to make God enough to replace the emotional and physical starvation in my life. My body may not be slowly dying of starvation, but my heart is.

I have bachelors degree from Bible college so I am not unfamiliar with God's Word and I know that the Bible says that I am loved, that I am wonderful in God's eyes. I know that the Bible says that God has a plan for me and that everything in my life was laid out before I was ever even born. I know that I'm going to Heaven and that someday this will all be behind me.

But right now, all I know is that I'm almost 50 years old, and I've never been truly loved, never been made love to, never been wanted and desired in a loving relationship, and never had any unconditional love of any kind. Although my abusive experiences were very bad, I can honestly say that my marriage has been even more painful. These aren't just trials, but are long-term experiences that have made up my life. This makes me very sad.

When I die, and the angels escort me to Heaven, my plan is to run through those gates and along those streets of gold until I find Jesus. And when I do, I want to crawl up in his lap and just lay my head against his chest and feel his loving arms around me. Because that will be the first time I will have ever had that experience. And I can't wait.

I wish that your grandmother was here to talk to because I really would like to know how she did it all those years. I'm sure that she could have told me.

My apologies for the length of this post, but there was a lot of detail to express.
« Last Edit: Sat Jan 14, 2012 - 10:09:46 by tallat »

Offline mrhide

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #82 on: Sat Jan 14, 2012 - 16:55:29 »



Tallat
I am a blunt man and have heard and seen a lot of devastating situations in families as my work involves helping low income dysfunctional families. Your situation and what you have been through will touch the emotions of any person that does not have a cold stone black heart. I cannot imagine any family doing what they did to you.  It is enough to bring a tear to a grown tough man.

It is not your fault that as a little girl you were treated so evilly. You have taken steps to overcome this tragedy and I am surprised that you are still standing. Your story has moved me but that will not do much for you. You need more than my empathy.

I am not going to pretend that I can fully understand your emotional and spiritual condition. I will attempt to offer some suggestions and comments in hopes that it will give you some relieve in some sort of way.

Quote of TallatGod never intended for us to depend on Him alone for our physical needs. No, that's why he created food.
I agree 100%

Quote of TallatAnyway, my final point of all this is that I don't know how to make God enough to replace the emotional and physical starvation in my life. My body may not be slowly dying of starvation, but my heart is.
I don’t either know how to make God enough to replace the emotional and physical starvation in your life. I did witness my grandmother do that to a high degree and I am still in awe of her. Tallat you are so right that my grandmother left an amazing spiritual legacy; what she did for 40-50 years is the greatest spiritual event that I have witnessed from anyone I have ever known.

My guess sis that my grandmother did not have the early family experience that you did as she never talked about her childhood. I do know that her first husband was murdered as he was a Captain in the army and some revolutionaries shot him in the back of the head. My grandmother with her infant left the area and then years later met my grandfather. They had 4 more children but he was an alcoholic and a criminal and he left the country before they put him in prison.

I do wish that my grandmother was still alive so that I could have her help you. I also do not think that God’s plan was for Him to meet all the emotional and physical need of humans but I can tell you that my grandmother reached a very high degree of contentment and her emotional, spiritual and physical needs were a LOT better than most married people that I have ever known.

I am not anywhere near as spiritual as my grandmother but because of her God has blessed my family so much. In the last 13 years my wife and I have been so shaken up due to my son. He used hard drugs for 10 years and we did not see him for months at a time. He lived on the street in a drug/gang area and he came home one day and was beaten badly. He bled for days. I cried out to God for several years and even told God some things I should not have as I was so desperate. I am so glad that God loves me and was patient with me as I would not blamed Him if He would have slapped me across the face.

I had heart problems because of my son but one day he showed up at our home and it was like the prodigal son story. I was so happy because he said that he just wanted to be home with us and that he forgave me for having the authorities put him in jail several times. You see I was trying to keep my son away from the drug-gang world so that he would not be killed and I had the authorities put him in jail to be d safe. My son RESENTED me and that almost killed me.

My son is now over 3 years clean and I am so grateful to God for keeping him form being permanently damaged or dead. He is such a delight now that he no longer thinks with a druggie mind that thinks that I am his enemy. We have a warm father-son relationship for which I am so thankful to God.

I don’t know why I am telling you all this but lets get back to you.


In an earlier post I asked you the question of


Have you thought about just leaving and moving in with a female room mate to help share expenses?
The reason that I asked this is that you seem like you are about to explode and need some relief fast. Another reason is that if there is any possibility that your husband will change then if he thinks that he is going to loose you permanently maybe he will change. Besides what do you have to loose.

 I am not suggesting that you divorce him as I do not have that wisdom. Perhaps you being away from your husband for a while will give you some relief and perhaps some time to get a more clear direction to your life. You have not been able to get much in the last several years by living with your husband so maybe it could help.

I can NOT believe that God is not going to help His daughter Tallat heal the hurts that others imposed on her as an innocent child.Joseph’s brothers wanted to kill him but instead sold him as a slave. Then because Joseph obeyed God and ran from the seductive woman he wound up in prison for many years. Where was God? Well I do not need to preach to you know the Bible better than I. You know that God did not abandon his son Joseph even though Joseph had to go through hell!


DON’T GIVE UP MY DEAR!!!

mrhide
« Last Edit: Sun Jan 15, 2012 - 16:28:58 by mrhide »

Offline angelica

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #83 on: Sun Jan 15, 2012 - 08:58:39 »
I have been reading all of this for a few days, and normally just read and never post. But, I felt the need to step out of the shadows on this one. I'm old and I don't type well, so this won't be long  ::blushing::.

I think that in all of this emptiness, God is trying to show you how to fill the void, the longing, the hurt, but you are just not seeing it.

EXTEND YOUR HAND, step outside of yourself. You have all this love, knowledge, kindness, empathy, understanding inside of you. Extend your hand to others, charity, help a child who desperately needs help in the same situations you have passed through.

You will find your need met, your heart filled, be cherished, needed, loved, understood. Sometimes we cannot find these things in marriage, or friendships, even church or our pleading with the lord.

You can find your rainbow, you're just looking in the wrong place at the wrong time I think.

Husbands learn from the example of the wife, her actions, her words. Lavish all you have on those that so need it and you might just fill that space, the emptiness to the point of overflow.

Try it!

Offline marcella

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #84 on: Sat Jan 28, 2012 - 08:49:57 »
My husband is in the Army. Ever sense he has came home from Afghanistan, he has changed in the intimacy department. He is a WONDERFUL man and I still Love him with all my heart. If anyone saw us, they wouldn't know we are having problems. We do not argue or any of that. He and I are bestfriends..However, he doesn't tell me he loves me anymore or kiss me anymore or hug me anymore or ANYTHING anymore. And if I want intimacy I am always the one who has to instigate it. So for the last 2 years my husband has not told me he loves me or gives me a complament or hugs me or anything no touching NOTHING.. Unless I attack him and after 2 years I feel like its a chore/one sided kinda thing. The other day I called him at work to ask him something and you know when you start to hang up you say. I love you well I did and he said I love you too... you better write that one on the calender cause I said I love you, Teasing me.. I have talk and talk and talk with him tell I'm blue in the Face..Except Now I'm getting VERY angry.. and not being very nice anymore.  I am tied up inside with knots. Being away from Family Friends.. I cant even type how my emotions are right now..I cant sleep and when I say I cant sleep I mean  Maybe 3 to 4 hours a night sleep. And tonight well its 630 am and I have been up all night praying that I need a hug from HIM.  The big HIM not my husband him.   I really don't have stress I'm just so so sos so Lonely.  I have NO ONE to talk with about this. He is a officer and officers don't have problems..lol If I go talk with my doctor on post it goes on my record  stuff like these hurts officers and if you know anything about Army Life women shows up with problems give her some antidepressants. And ya I'm on them but I don't think they are working with what I have.. Major Anxiety.. breathing... hot flashes.. I just dint no if I can do it anymore. We dont even sleep together (in the same bed anymore) I WONT Cheat. Lord knows I wont do that  I would hurt myself LONG before I would ever hurt my husband and I wont divorce but I feel like I might  sabotage us.  We do go to church but us moving every 2 to 3 years we don't have the relationships (church Family) built like most people do.  We are in our late 30s so age isn't an issue.. I am really LOST on what to do.  My husbands Dad is a pastor so talking about it with his family is soooooo off the table.. And my family Not really Christains. I try not to listen to them to much if you know what I mean. Please forgive me for typo spelling I'm just done and I need help and this website is where the Lord sent me...

larry2

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #85 on: Sat Jan 28, 2012 - 09:38:25 »


My husband is in the Army. Ever sense he has came home from Afghanistan, he has changed in the intimacy department. He is a WONDERFUL man and I still Love him with all my heart. If anyone saw us, they wouldn't know we are having problems. We do not argue or any of that. He and I are bestfriends..However, he doesn't tell me he loves me anymore or kiss me anymore or hug me anymore or ANYTHING anymore. And if I want intimacy I am always the one who has to instigate it. So for the last 2 years my husband has not told me he loves me or gives me a complament or hugs me or anything no touching NOTHING.. Unless I attack him and after 2 years I feel like its a chore/one sided kinda thing. The other day I called him at work to ask him something and you know when you start to hang up you say. I love you well I did and he said I love you too... you better write that one on the calender cause I said I love you, Teasing me.. I have talk and talk and talk with him tell I'm blue in the Face..Except Now I'm getting VERY angry.. and not being very nice anymore.  I am tied up inside with knots. Being away from Family Friends.. I cant even type how my emotions are right now..I cant sleep and when I say I cant sleep I mean  Maybe 3 to 4 hours a night sleep. And tonight well its 630 am and I have been up all night praying that I need a hug from HIM.  The big HIM not my husband him.   I really don't have stress I'm just so so sos so Lonely.  I have NO ONE to talk with about this. He is a officer and officers don't have problems..lol If I go talk with my doctor on post it goes on my record  stuff like these hurts officers and if you know anything about Army Life women shows up with problems give her some antidepressants. And ya I'm on them but I don't think they are working with what I have.. Major Anxiety.. breathing... hot flashes.. I just dint no if I can do it anymore. We dont even sleep together (in the same bed anymore) I WONT Cheat. Lord knows I wont do that  I would hurt myself LONG before I would ever hurt my husband and I wont divorce but I feel like I might  sabotage us.  We do go to church but us moving every 2 to 3 years we don't have the relationships (church Family) built like most people do.  We are in our late 30s so age isn't an issue.. I am really LOST on what to do.  My husbands Dad is a pastor so talking about it with his family is soooooo off the table.. And my family Not really Christains. I try not to listen to them to much if you know what I mean. Please forgive me for typo spelling I'm just done and I need help and this website is where the Lord sent me...


Maybe he spent too long in Afghanistan. You might wear the following manner of dress to gather interest.  ::shrug::

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burqa

No, I would really suggest talking of the problem with him and seeing whether he would consider going to counselling or to the VET's hospital to discover the problem. Many vets suffer traumatic unseen injuries due to so many hours of war time exposure; more to all wars before this.
« Last Edit: Sat Jan 28, 2012 - 09:47:41 by larry2 »

Offline tallat

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #86 on: Sat Jan 28, 2012 - 11:04:21 »
Marcella ~ I completely understand how you feel and I know how isolating it can be when you feel like you have no one to talk to, and yet your world is so lonely.

Personally, I get so tired to the 'facade' and having to pretend that things are fine for the sake of my family as a whole. It's very draining and isolating.

I tried to send you a personal message, but it wouldn't take. I'm glad that you found this site. There are people on here who understand your pain. Feel free to write me anytime that you need someone to talk, vent, or cry to. Sometimes that helps.

Offline terishere

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #87 on: Sat Jan 28, 2012 - 13:57:17 »
My husband is in the Army. Ever sense he has came home from Afghanistan, he has changed in the intimacy department. He is a WONDERFUL man and I still Love him with all my heart. If anyone saw us, they wouldn't know we are having problems. We do not argue or any of that. He and I are bestfriends..However, he doesn't tell me he loves me anymore or kiss me anymore or hug me anymore or ANYTHING anymore. And if I want intimacy I am always the one who has to instigate it. So for the last 2 years my husband has not told me he loves me or gives me a complament or hugs me or anything no touching NOTHING.. Unless I attack him and after 2 years I feel like its a chore/one sided kinda thing. The other day I called him at work to ask him something and you know when you start to hang up you say. I love you well I did and he said I love you too... you better write that one on the calender cause I said I love you, Teasing me.. I have talk and talk and talk with him tell I'm blue in the Face..Except Now I'm getting VERY angry.. and not being very nice anymore.  I am tied up inside with knots. Being away from Family Friends.. I cant even type how my emotions are right now..I cant sleep and when I say I cant sleep I mean  Maybe 3 to 4 hours a night sleep. And tonight well its 630 am and I have been up all night praying that I need a hug from HIM.  The big HIM not my husband him.   I really don't have stress I'm just so so sos so Lonely.  I have NO ONE to talk with about this. He is a officer and officers don't have problems..lol If I go talk with my doctor on post it goes on my record  stuff like these hurts officers and if you know anything about Army Life women shows up with problems give her some antidepressants. And ya I'm on them but I don't think they are working with what I have.. Major Anxiety.. breathing... hot flashes.. I just dint no if I can do it anymore. We dont even sleep together (in the same bed anymore) I WONT Cheat. Lord knows I wont do that  I would hurt myself LONG before I would ever hurt my husband and I wont divorce but I feel like I might  sabotage us.  We do go to church but us moving every 2 to 3 years we don't have the relationships (church Family) built like most people do.  We are in our late 30s so age isn't an issue.. I am really LOST on what to do.  My husbands Dad is a pastor so talking about it with his family is soooooo off the table.. And my family Not really Christains. I try not to listen to them to much if you know what I mean. Please forgive me for typo spelling I'm just done and I need help and this website is where the Lord sent me...

My heart goes out to you, along with the others suffering in this kind of marriage.

You're right, it is very very lonely and heartbreaking.

I'm also suffering from anxiety and breathing problems due to the stress of my marriage. I don't know how much more I can take.

Just want to let you know that you're not alone

Offline Edenlife

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #88 on: Sat Jan 28, 2012 - 21:58:49 »
I'm not married, but I can try to imagine what you may be going through! But don't stop believing God for a miracle in your marriage...remain blessed!

Offline anx

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #89 on: Sat Jan 28, 2012 - 22:40:49 »
Marcella, your marriage may benefit tremendously from counseling if that is an option. War messes people up. You husband is as lost to himself as he is to you. Seek help.

You also have sectioned off certain areas of help as off limits. Those are in part trapping you in your current rut. Talk to his family. They want a happy healthy son. Get in church and with your pastor.

Offline tallat

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #90 on: Mon Jan 30, 2012 - 22:18:00 »
Marcella....I have tried to message you twice and both times it wouldn't take because it says that your mailbox is full. Will you please check your set-up so you can receive messages, and let me know so I can try again.  Thanks!

Offline marcella

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #91 on: Tue Jan 31, 2012 - 19:38:22 »
I want to Thank everyone with the comments and subjections. I did ask him about wearing a Burka.. He didn't think it was as funny as I did. When I read it, it put a smile on my face. lol As for counseling. He will not go. So I will just pray on that for awhile.. I think I will talk with him Mum soon. Just hard to talk about something so personal 1900 miles away. Her being a pastors wife, of 43 years, she is 62 might be a little hard to talk with her. No might It WILL..She is a Very quiet reserved person, like my husband. I just don't know if I would feel comfortable talking about it with her. She would listen but I don't think she would say much back. But I wont know tell I try. So I guess I will pray about that too.

Offline anx

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #92 on: Wed Feb 01, 2012 - 08:29:16 »
Please do talk to his mom or parents. Stuff like this is very important and although she may not talk too much on the first call, she may need time to think and process it. A reserved spouse or person often needs a ton of time to think over something before they are willing to open up. At least have her pray for you.

In the same way, your husband will likely be more open to counseling later. Counseling to a man can feel like you are a failure.

Also, start reading a ton of Christian relationship books. Find books that talk to your use and your situation. Sacred marriage and ever womans/man's marriage were books I liked. Getting books used and selling them back online is very inexpensive.

Keep at it. It doesn't get better unless one or both of you does work on it. He is working in his own way slowly. It's great he is willing to tell you he loves you again.

War has messed him up. Help be the part in repairing that and your marriage.

Blessings.

Offline marcella

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #93 on: Wed Feb 01, 2012 - 14:29:05 »
I changed my email options.. I hope you can get hold of me now..Thanks
 ::smile::

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #94 on: Tue Feb 07, 2012 - 22:11:04 »
So, are there any other married people out there who hate Valentine's Day? Just curious.

For a few years, we went through the motions of buying some lame card and candy, but eventually we just quit putting up the front. They just don't make Valentine's Day cards that read "To My Financial Provider" and anything beyond that is just a lie.

Ugh!  ):

Offline Kaehu

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #95 on: Sun Dec 16, 2012 - 12:48:21 »
Sorry, just found this thread and board.

The Christmas holidays are the worst.  I just asked my wife again last night if she would please come to church with me today and then we could do things.  No interest.  I have been a "married single" in church for the past 13 years.  Around the holidays is definitely the worst.  It is really depressing, to the point where I don't go to some of the Christmas functions/parties at church where it is mostly couples who will be there.

Offline hammer123

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #96 on: Sun Dec 16, 2012 - 15:40:44 »
Originally, when I first created this thread, it was with the sole purpose of trying to find others who were in a similar experience as myself. I know that there are many people out there, but it seems like it's hard to talk about...especially if you're a Christian.

A few weeks ago, I deleted almost all of my posts from here. I did this mainly because I was so tired of people trying to 'fix' my situation and my spouse. I didn't come on here for that. I came on here to hear from other people who are living in a loveless, sexless marriage. I want to know if you struggle emotionally and spiritually like I do. Or what are the ways that you have learned to cope? If you ended up divorced, are you glad, or do you have regrets now that you look back? How do you think the children are affected...not just by divorce, but also by seeing parents in a poor model of a marriage when there's no love or affection?

So, if you're reading this, and you're living in the same type of marriage that I am, please take a moment to post on here about your experience and how you deal, or have dealt, with it. It helps to know that you're not alone and that there are other people who are going through the same pain and frustration.

I doubt you will find many on here who have gone or are going through your situation.  You will find people that will try and help, but not likely in the way you like.

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #97 on: Wed Aug 17, 2016 - 04:01:17 »
Hello all.

I just want to share my thoughts.
I live in a loveless and sexless marriage. Well, sexless is just when I want it, but is not at all when SHE wants (which is once every time the hormones go nuts - maybe because she does not want to cheat on me - for the Lord).
The few times she goes "nuts" about calming her hormones, there is no passion, no love, no giving, no feeling; basically i just feel used for the sake of the hormones.
My wife is a self-centred, self-obsessed selfish woman who gives nothing but asks everything. She can`t love no one because she only loves herself.
We`ve got 2 kids she can`t look after, so she needs a baby sitter, although we don`t have financial problems. She needs a baby sitter because she doesn`t want to stay at home looking after them because is too hard. She would rather go to work and let the baby sitter do the work.
She used o be caring, loving and sweet but she turned into this horrible person, and obviously is all my fault for "killing her love with my crises" - crises due to her changing behaviour from the sweet one to the nasty one.
This is just few words. The story is a lot more bigger.
We do argue a lot and obviously, she blames me for everything.She`s a very happy woman having everything she looks for in life. I am a miserable man having nothing other than the love of my 2 children
There is no love, no passion, no nothing left. Hell must be something similar to my marriage.
To cope with this i use a lot of alcohol, cigarettes, pornography and self pleasuring. I could easily find a woman - i am a good looking guy, but i do not want to cheat for the Lord. I know is wrong but this is the only way i can not go for a divorce and screw up my children for life.
Could you please guys pray for me a simple prayer - that`s all i ask: please God, protect Catalin from any illness (due to his life style) so he can raise his kids.
After that, i cannot wait to die.
God bless
« Last Edit: Wed Aug 17, 2016 - 04:43:58 by catalinsimion »

Offline MeMyself

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #98 on: Wed Aug 17, 2016 - 09:28:22 »
Hello all.

I just want to share my thoughts.
I live in a loveless and sexless marriage. Well, sexless is just when I want it, but is not at all when SHE wants (which is once every time the hormones go nuts - maybe because she does not want to cheat on me - for the Lord).
The few times she goes "nuts" about calming her hormones, there is no passion, no love, no giving, no feeling; basically i just feel used for the sake of the hormones.
My wife is a self-centred, self-obsessed selfish woman who gives nothing but asks everything. She can`t love no one because she only loves herself.
We`ve got 2 kids she can`t look after, so she needs a baby sitter, although we don`t have financial problems. She needs a baby sitter because she doesn`t want to stay at home looking after them because is too hard. She would rather go to work and let the baby sitter do the work.
She used o be caring, loving and sweet but she turned into this horrible person, and obviously is all my fault for "killing her love with my crises" - crises due to her changing behaviour from the sweet one to the nasty one.
This is just few words. The story is a lot more bigger.
We do argue a lot and obviously, she blames me for everything.She`s a very happy woman having everything she looks for in life. I am a miserable man having nothing other than the love of my 2 children
There is no love, no passion, no nothing left. Hell must be something similar to my marriage.
To cope with this i use a lot of alcohol, cigarettes, pornography and self pleasuring. I could easily find a woman - i am a good looking guy, but i do not want to cheat for the Lord. I know is wrong but this is the only way i can not go for a divorce and screw up my children for life.
Could you please guys pray for me a simple prayer - that`s all i ask: please God, protect Catalin from any illness (due to his life style) so he can raise his kids.
After that, i cannot wait to die.
God bless

I saw this on FB and it rocked me pretty hard.  Its a good question to ask of ourselves.

"What do you think its like to live on the other side of you".


Offline mommydi

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #99 on: Wed Aug 17, 2016 - 09:40:05 »
I wish terishere would come back and give us an update. Her story really touches me. I hope she's ok.

Offline catalinsimion

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #100 on: Wed Aug 17, 2016 - 10:42:07 »
Hello,

I am new to this kind of forum, so i don`t understand very well how it works, but i assume that you reply to my post?

Can i ask you: "she" who? i don`t get it...

God bless

Offline David81

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Re: Living in a loveless, sexless marriage
« Reply #101 on: Wed Dec 14, 2016 - 14:12:28 »
Sorry to hear about your situation.  Whenever I'm faced with troubles like this, I ask myself - Why is this good for me?  Maybe it will teach me new qualities to cultivate or propel me to take action to help me and others.  When I look at it like that, I feel empowered, not disempowered. 

 

     
anything