When I initially came on this site, I was looking for other people who were in a similar situation. I wanted to get their feedback as to how it affected them and how they managed to deal with the day-to-day. But I've never really received that kind of feedback. Instead, I have gotten many responses telling me what I need to do to 'fix' my husband and my situation.
Day-to-day there isn't much you can do besides manage. Totally turning off all influences that don't lift your spirits, being deeply involved in a great christian fellowship, and a large amount of time reading the bible will help, but your situation will drag you down. It will never be great with your marriage in this spot. I'm in a really good spot in my own story, but I am still lonely, sad at the state of my marriage, and struggling to stay Godly in the face of a desire for physical contact and intimacy. That I don't expect to go away ever.
The appetite of laborers works for them; their hunger drives them on.Plainly
, in your current situation, there is little you can do. If you are unwilling to change your marriage and don't have an "out",the only things that could help are a HUGE focus on God or finding a new church. Both of those will help, but not fix anything.
I think that many people assume that there is something positive to be rekindled if my husband would get his act together, but that isn't true. Our marriage did not start out good and then slowly turn bad. It has been bad since the honeymoon 14 years ago. By bad, I mean the absence of love, passion, intimacy, etc. As I've written previously, my husband changed the day we got married and - to this day - can't explain why. But I got pregnant right away, and we stayed together to try to do the right thing by our child.
Going before our church would not help our situation. It would only make my husband not want to go back and that would have negative repercussions on my son.
I think God's desire for your marriage is that your husband would repent of his sin and for an actually happy marriage. Divorce is talked about radically in the bible (Mathew 19, 1 corinthians 7). It is VERY different than the worlds view. Despite your entire marriage being poor, you did marry him for a reason. There used to be at least something there despite there not being anything there for many many years.
He definitely isn't interested in changing right now. If you aren't interested in changing it either, there isn't any hope for it. Nothing will change for 5 years till you can move out, but even then you'll potentially struggle and face a chance at homelessness. All you can do is wait, but you've said that door have been shut for you many times.
Without shaking this up (going before church and whatever else), all you can do is remain stuck. You don't KNOW his reaction or that of your church. You can't. Currently, you are making that decision for him without placing it before him. If you want I can find and link you many stories were people "woke up" after many years. SO VERY OFTEN, its when the woman walks out or is ready to. I still think there is a good chance something will happen in him when that happens.
Also, I still think you NEED to change churches, go before the church, or somehow shake things up. Without that all you can do is continue to wait and be very sad.
My only solution is get a divorce. I have accepted that, but every time I try to work it out, something happens and a door is closed. Some people say that I'm just whining, that I'm making excuses and I just want sympathy. I don't believe that is true, I'm just laying out the facts.
You do have other choices. Go to the church with this, change churches and go before that church, shake things up.
It's things like this that throw me into despair and tears. It just seems like I'm moving backwards no matter how hard I try. I want to trust God, but it's getting harder and I just don't understand.Mathew 18:15-20
15 “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. 16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ 17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
This is pretty clear and strait from Jesus. Start there. I think it would be wrong to ignore a clear direction from Jesus. I certainly have talked to my pastor about my marriage. I think its pure silliness not to. If you don't think that your pastor will be at all helpful in a matter so clearly connected to faith, why is he still your pastor? If its really SO BAD that your pastor won't support and help your marriage, get into a new church and a new youth group for your son. You aren't doing any favors to anybody by continuing this. Your son being in a good youth group at this point isn't worth your total unhappiness. You may find an even better youth group.
What should have happened YEARS ago is going to your pastor and to the church about this. If your husband is living unrepentant sin, expose it and let God work from there. Hiding it only continues that sin and hurt.
I am not sure you will get an out. Your will to end your marriage and separate may not be something God will ever open a door to you. I think God's will may be for your husband to repent and your marriage to stay intact. I would have a hard time justifying anything else biblically. I think until this is brought before the church and exposed like you should have more than decade ago, you will continue to be stuck. Frankly, from an outside perspective, 50% of the reason you are stuck seems to be from your actions. You are absolutely not powerless in this. You have chosen to take all the tools that you need to fix this and are told to biblically and put them off limits. Follow the command of Jesus to bring this before the church and trust God from there. Go against the command of Jesus and will for a divorce, and you may never receive an out from God.
I would finally suggest to read job 38-42, and all of job is a good read in your situation. We simply cannot question the will of God or think our own plans greater than his. If it is his will for you to be in this marriage, no amount of prayer to the opposite will change that and no prayer for an out will get an answer. If his sovereign plan is to redemption your husband and restore your marriage, submit to that. That may take years and continue to be difficult. Biblically, the path you need to take first to be right with God is clear to me. Talk to your pastor and go before the church. If the church does the right thing and clearly tells your husband that he is in the mist of unrepentant sin, then he can choose to change his ways or be kicked out. If you husband chooses then to leave the faith and separate from you (or demand you leave), then your standing biblically is far different. Put another way, choosing to not go to your church with this and shake this up is choosing to continue in your current path of sadness. Put this before your husband and your church.