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Author Topic: Lord, please save our marriage!  (Read 1353 times)

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Offline FrauDunk28

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Lord, please save our marriage!
« on: November 23, 2011, 05:00:53 AM »
My husband and I have been living apart since the middle of August. Things went from bad to worse... honestly, I was not in the right place, and he was shutting me out so much so I turned to other people for comfort, and one guy ended up kissing me. I felt horrible, and told my husband, and he called me every name in the book and said he wanted to divorce me.

That being said, he became verbally abusive and physically confrontational, so I moved out to live with my mother. A week later, I went to the apartment I shared with my husband to pick up some of my belongings, and drove up at 1:00am to him walking another girl out to her car. I went in the apartment and it did not look good... it looked like he "slept" with her in our bed.

I said to my husband, "If you seriously slept with that girl in our bed, I am not moving back in and not paying rent." All he said was, "then don't"

I spoke with the girl about a week later, and she said my husband was her boyfriend and that they were going to be official after our divorce. Also, I drove by our apartment often on the way to my friend's house, and that girl's car was always there. On top of that, I had the Christian apartment manager calling and telling me that this girl was sleeping over every night, and my husband put up "divorced" on Facebook and removed all of my pictures and replaced them with pictures of the two of them.

Well, I wasn't seeking God at all at this point, I was very bitter and angry. I wound up sleeping with two other men. I wasn't convicted of my actions until someone spoke to me about how God hates divorce and how we need to forgive and reconcile. Well, I felt absolutely horrible about slipping away from God. I repented and read up about how God feels about divorce... I admitted to my husband of what I had done, and then he denied ever even touching the girl. He said she was only a friend and that he "wanted me to believe he slept with her so I would screw up and he could divorce me." What a hateful comment. He also said he never even hangs out with girls, which is clearly a lie since his Facebook page is now flooded with pictures of him and other women, and he leaves them comments like "daaaaamn you look good" and "I have had a crush on you for years" and he is planning to meet with one of the girls this week for drinks and only God knows what else.

All this aside, my husband agreed to go to marriage counseling for 6-8 weeks, well... he went last Tuesday at 8:00pm, but didn't show up yesterday for the 7:00 appointment, and never even told me he wasn't going to come. Not only that,  but he stood me up so that he could go on a double date! I don't know what to do anymore. I know that God wants me to be forgiving and be patient, but it's so hard when I am being treated with absolutely no respect. I know what I did was wrong, too, but at least I admitted to it... my husband will not admit to ANYTHING and blames me for EVERYTHING. He never even said sorry or said a word to me after I sent him a text asking him why he didn't show up for counseling last night.

If anyone has any insight on this, that would be helpful. He is the type to give the "silent treatment" and he is clearly not seeking the Lord as he is drinking constantly, partying, and hanging out with numerous girls. More than that, he is treating me like I am less than human and belittles me constantly.

Please pray for my husband. I love him, and I know there is no hope without God making an intervention.

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Lord, please save our marriage!
« on: November 23, 2011, 05:00:53 AM »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Lord, please save our marriage!
« Reply #1 on: November 23, 2011, 06:54:09 AM »
Hi FrauDunk
Well you have both messed up big time, but its so good that you have come back to God now and are repentant.
Some marriages are restored after adultery, but only if both are repentant and willing to work on things. At this point it is only you who are being honest and open, and he is bent on going down the road that leads to destruction.Yes of course pray that he will meet God and turn away from the life he is living, but in the end he does have free will and can choose to end the marriage.
What stage is the divorce at? is he divorcing you? While you are still married there is still hope,and many marriages are amazingly restored,  but I also have to say that many marriages where there has been adultery don't make it and many end in divorce. My husband prayed and fasted one day a week for a year when his first marriage was in trouble, but his ex met another man, had an affair and divorced him anyway. She had free will and chose to go down the wrong road. At it happens God has bought such good out of it(as he always does bless Him) and things are better then they ever have been in his life.

If the divorce does go through then you will have to put it behind you and learn the hard lessons that it brings. However things can still change, so until you are actually divorced keep praying.
« Last Edit: November 23, 2011, 07:06:29 AM by chosenone »

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Re: Lord, please save our marriage!
« Reply #1 on: November 23, 2011, 06:54:09 AM »

Offline anx

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Re: Lord, please save our marriage!
« Reply #2 on: November 23, 2011, 08:13:45 AM »
You guys have BOTH acted very poorly. Even though your husband had issues of never taking blame and blaming you, I suspect he has his own arguments against you. It sounds like you both had things that greatly contributed to the breakdown of the marriage.

When it got bad, you both justified dumb decisions based on what the other person had done. You both one upped the other persons cheating and lies. When things really got rough and bad, you both responded terribly.

Quote
If anyone has any insight on this, that would be helpful. He is the type to give the "silent treatment" and he is clearly not seeking the Lord as he is drinking constantly, partying, and hanging out with numerous girls. More than that, he is treating me like I am less than human and belittles me constantly.
You also did not seek the Lord when you were cheating on him. Now that you are, you can't expect him to also turn to God at the exact same time.

Either way, I would not expect a quick change. This is going to be a long hard road even with divine help.

I heard a great sermon on the miracle of water into wine. The premise was that Jesus could have filled empty jugs with wine, but instead asked the workers to fill them with water first. Miracles in our lives are often the same. We need to put in a lot of the prep and ground work and God helps us along the way and finishes the job.

In your story, it absolutely could turn out with you two together, but you guys have a LONG way to go and are pretty much at rock bottom. There would have to be some falling out with this girlfriend, which might not happen for years(relationships like the one your husband are in virtually never last, but they last long enough to destroy whats left of hope in the marriage). You guys both made your choices and its very likely in your story that those choices prevent you from getting back together.

I would however suggest staying in couseling by yourself if not together. You have a ton of healing to do either way.

Blessings

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Re: Lord, please save our marriage!
« Reply #2 on: November 23, 2011, 08:13:45 AM »

Offline TJW

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Re: Lord, please save our marriage!
« Reply #3 on: November 23, 2011, 10:07:13 AM »
Quote
You guys both made your choices and its very likely in your story that those choices prevent you from getting back together.

I agree.

My advice to you would be to forget this marriage, and move on, with resolve to continue serving God yourself and resolve to not choose these actions
again in the future.

Yes, the bible does say "God hates divorce".  I have my serious doubts about whether this is a correct translation, and certainly, when taken above the
rest of the bible as if it is a 3-word synopsis of God's attitude toward divorce, it is a serious miscarriage of His teaching.  The Lord Jesus Christ stated
God's attitude toward marriage and divorce quite clearly, that God intended that a man and a woman remain married for life, as a matter of His perfect will.  However, Moses wrote a "precept" of divorce (which was inspired by God) that divorce was permitted for the "hardness of your hearts".

I love the words of an old pop-music song which said "....remember that God is a guide, and not a storm-trooper...".  There is a lot of legalistic, pharisaical nonsense spouted about on the subject of divorce and remarriage, and unfortunately, these people, while well-meaning, are "laying upon
men burdens grievous to be borne".  The divorce is, many times, the "gnat" strained at, while the "camel" of the destructive, toxic marriage is swallowed.

God "hates" divorce is a true statement, but He does not "hate" divorce any more than He "hates" other sins.  He "hates" things which are hurtful for us.

Sometimes, as chosenone has well stated, there's just too much hurt from adultery to allow a successful marriage following. 

You can also depend upon God to be with you through, and following, any divorce, and even if you have 5 more divorces.  He loves you, and your husband, and wants to both redeem your earthly life, and give you eternal life.



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Re: Lord, please save our marriage!
« Reply #3 on: November 23, 2011, 10:07:13 AM »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Lord, please save our marriage!
« Reply #4 on: November 23, 2011, 10:32:58 AM »
TJW I so agree. Some believers put such burdens on those who are divorced, even if it wasnt their fault, and that passage "God hates divorce" was actually in response to some the men of that time who were 'putting away' their wives(but not giving them a bill of divorce) in order to have another woman in their home.
Gods response meant God hates 'putting away'. These women, because they did not have a bill of divorce, could not marry again and were therefore more or less destitute.THATS what God hated.
No one liikes divorce. Its a horrible thing that should always be a very last resort, but it takes 2 to make a marriage work.
Keeping a marriage together under any circumstances isnt always Gods will. I have known people who God clearly led to divorce their spouses(including myself) for their serious sexual sins. There are things that God hates far more.
Not to say that marriages cant be rescued from the pit,they can, but both parties need to be 100% committed to working on it. Your husband has free will, and its his decision in the end what to do.

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Re: Lord, please save our marriage!
« Reply #4 on: November 23, 2011, 10:32:58 AM »



larry2

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Re: Lord, please save our marriage!
« Reply #5 on: November 23, 2011, 11:12:06 AM »
Dear Father, I ask that You intervene in the lives of this woman and her husband according to Your will, but according to their need also. Help her overcome the hurt and bring her to that peace that passes understanding as we face trials in our lives. Thank You Father in Jesus' name. Amen.

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Re: Lord, please save our marriage!
« Reply #5 on: November 23, 2011, 11:12:06 AM »

Offline FrauDunk28

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Re: Lord, please save our marriage!
« Reply #6 on: November 23, 2011, 03:57:35 PM »
Thank you very much for your responses and for your prayers.  I do believe that God hates divorce, and I do not believe in remarriage. I went from being off the bandwagon to being 100% devoted to Christ. I feel like if this all never happened, I never would have taken God so seriously. I know that either way, God will be with me and that I will be fine... but as for my husband... I feel so sorry for him. He is very miserable, I can see it all over his face. It pains me to see him that way and to know that I caused some of that pain. That being said, I have done all that I can to reconcile, and it's up to him to do something about it. I'll "let go and let God", but I still do ask that you pray for my husband that he will realize that all he is doing now is destroying himself. I pray that he begins to look to God for answers, no matter what it takes, I hope he is led back to Christ.
« Last Edit: November 23, 2011, 04:04:04 PM by FrauDunk28 »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Lord, please save our marriage!
« Reply #7 on: November 24, 2011, 07:33:19 AM »
Fraudunk. divorce and re marriage is allowed by God where one spouse has committed serious sexual sin such as adultery, but of course its your choice whether to marry again if this marriage does end in divorce. If you choose to remain sngle then thats fine. God clearly led me to remarry, and bought my husband to me. Both my husband and I were divorced because of allowable Biblical reasons. My husbands ex divorced him after she met another man, but God had better plans for him. Either of you are free to divorce the other because of the adultery. Adultery breaks the covenant anyway.

Is your husband actually divorcing you at this time? If so at what stange is it at?

 If one spouse divorces the other, there is nothing they can do anyway. You cant stop him doing this, but if it happens and you do end up divorced, you will need to accept that it is over and move on.

Offline FrauDunk28

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Re: Lord, please save our marriage!
« Reply #8 on: November 25, 2011, 04:33:23 AM »
See, God has REALLY changed my life recently. I had been listening to other "believers" and people who "knew the Bible" and they were all saying I could leave my husband when he cheated on me. Well, I had filed for divorce and was ready for things to end. I tried nothing to reconcile or anything.

One day, I received a random e-mail from a guy who sent me a bunch of Bible verses about marriage and divorce and the principles that Jesus taught. I felt so angered and tried to defend myself, but he blocked me! I had to eat every word he wrote to me. I was led to read my KJV Bible, which gives absolutely no reason for divorce, that I could find. NIV changed a lot of the literature, but KJV says that there are no grounds for divorce and no one should remarry, even the widow would be happier to not remarry.

Anyway, I thought about this all more, and realized the court really messed up with the paperwork. First of all, I filed and never heard from them... so after 2 months I called and got 4 different answers. First it would be another week, then it was lost and never filed, then it would be a little longer again, and then it had been ready for almost 2 months, which was true. Also, usually I would call on the week mark, but I waited 10 days to call. Three days extra... when I filed the next part of the paperwork that they serve him with, they were 3 days late, because he moved and didn't provide anyone with a forwarding address. I could see this being God's work, since he was telling me He hates divorce and it was wrong for me to file. I called the sheriff's office and canceled the paperwork completely. At this point, I'm not sure if my husband believes that I really did cancel everything, but I did. He keeps saying he wants to divorce me, basically every time we exchange words. I know that I cannot do anything if he chooses to do so, but I hope and pray that he has a change of heart. I am sorry for what I did... if he is truly sorry and wants to reconcile, I will. God wants us to forgive and reconcile and that is exactly what I am hoping for. If that doesn't happen, I know God will be with me and I will live my life "alone" not really alone, because I have God...  but "alone" because I do not believe in remarriage for any reason for the KJV says there is no acceptable reason to remarry other than if one spouse dies, because divorce does not end a marriage in God's eyes. I accept this, though it is hard to. I don't want to be alone forever, but it may come to that. I would rather feel right with God than feel comfortable for my short human life.

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Re: Lord, please save our marriage!
« Reply #8 on: November 25, 2011, 04:33:23 AM »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Lord, please save our marriage!
« Reply #9 on: November 25, 2011, 07:23:12 AM »
If you read the story of the woman at the well, you will see that Jesus clearly recognises that a divorce ends a marriage and that He does recognise each man as having been her husband.  "you are right in saying that you have had 5 husbands." Jesus Himself says that if the divorce is for pornea(sexual sin) it is not adultery if the other spouse remarries. Now that may not apply to you, as you have cheated as well, but if you hadn't then you would have been free to remarry, if you had had the opportunity, and if you choose to.No where in the Bible does it say that God doesn't recognise a divorce as ending a marriage.
I have studied this subject very deeply also, and was totally prepared to stay single if God had chosen that way, but instead He bought me an amazing husband, and my children an amazing step dad. We have been so happily married for 6 years, truly a marriage made in heaven. If others choose not to marry again that's fine, its their decision, I have no problem with that.

I do hope that your marriage will work out, so keep praying for as long as you can until the divorce is over(if he does divorce you) However I do totally understand that some spouses just cannot stay with a spouse who has cheated. Its understandable and they may not be able to trust trust again after such a serious betrayal. We do need to remember that in OT times it was punishable by death, so divorce was not necessary if adultery took place. You may be able to overlook and forgive the adultery, but he may not. You may have to accept that.

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Re: Lord, please save our marriage!
« Reply #10 on: November 29, 2011, 10:16:31 AM »
It looks like both of you have committed adultery.

If you want to remain married to him ask him if he wants to remain married to you, if he says no then move on.

Since, adultery was committed you are allowed to divorce and remarry.  If you do divorce I suggest that you get really close to God during that time and remain close all your life.  Many men prey on divorced women, because they know divorced women are often easy sex.

The good thing is by now you should know more about men and hopefully find a better one.