Author Topic: Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship  (Read 21458 times)

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nc_loner

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Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship
« on: Thu May 20, 2010 - 20:45:44 »
So I have been married to my wife for 11 years. Any secular couple in their right mind would have split 10 years ago. I was not in love with my wife when we got pregnant, nor did I want to get married having failed once before when I was very young. I was pressured by our pastor and I did want to do the right thing in God's eyes having already committed fornication; I wanted to set things right. We did get along good while dating, we enjoyed each other; just never had that warm fuzzy feeling. It was more like too lonely people coming together who had in common, very abusive childhood's plagued by abusive alcoholic parents.

Myself, I've seen counselor's on and off since I was 15 and feel I have a pretty good grasp on my emotions. I have a great job, I'm a good provider to my family and yes I now love my wife very much. I am also a good Dad and I am usually the one who attends all of the kids school activities and takes them back and forth to soccer practice and swim team.

My wife on the other hand, well, I don't want to sound like I am bashing her; but she is... verbally and mentally abusive. Violence and slander come from her mouth toward both me AND our children everyday. She refuses to work, even when I was recently layed-off for more than a year! I've begged her to work but (the women in her family stayed home and took care of the house and kids). Whatever. She has been diagnosed with depression but denies it and will not take medication.

On top of all this, she refuses to have sex. This has been an ongoing problem for 11 years. I'm not ugly or anything, not dirty or out of shape. While dating we were like rabbits! We have had lots of problems in the marriage and even separated 8 months. No infidelity that I know of but there is about to be. It's now May 20th and I have had sex 2 times this year. I have catered to her in every way imaginable including threatening and giving ultimatums.

I'm completely fed up. I'm very much considering an affair. Do I do porn? You bet I do and take matters into my own hands regularly. I'm not ashamed of that. Is it right? No. But neither is loving and living with a beautiful woman who wants NOTHING to do with you.

Thoughts?
« Last Edit: Thu May 20, 2010 - 21:15:34 by nc_loner »

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Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship
« on: Thu May 20, 2010 - 20:45:44 »

Seva

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Re: Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship
« Reply #1 on: Fri May 21, 2010 - 13:49:33 »
I feel for you. I did porn for some of the same reasons you do. I'm not saying those reasons were correct or right, it is what i thought at the time it was how i justified do it.

You probably have more to lose than you think.

Your kids need you to stay together. Keep doing the right things them, for God.

If I could do it over again, I would fast from sex... I'm not getting any right now anyway(2x a year, it's been since 2005 for me, i'm jealous). I think keeping track places pressure on your wife. I know the porn thing does.

Stay in God's word.


 
« Last Edit: Fri May 21, 2010 - 14:03:25 by Seva »

Offline comfy

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Re: Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship
« Reply #2 on: Fri May 21, 2010 - 13:51:06 »
Well, I have perhaps done some do-it-myself emotional make-over stuff. And this is not the same as how God's love changes us, emotionally.

You're not satisfied ::doh:: Only God can satisfy us. So, I'm considering that the way you have understood and applied your "counseling" has helped you do some do-it-yourself makeover, not with grace that would have you deeply satisfied in knowing God.

So, I would say, give yourself to God, about this, trusting Him, "no matter what".

And what *does* she want, if I may ask? Have you really gotten to know her? I stayed with my mother, for a while, but I was mainly in displeasure about how she could be abusive and nasty. I did not get into trusting God for how He would have me relating with her; so I missed my chance to learn how to love with her. I'd say, if you're going to stay with her, find out how to love her. That will be more challenging than porn, "maybe" more interesting.

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Re: Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship
« Reply #2 on: Fri May 21, 2010 - 13:51:06 »

Offline chaz345

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Re: Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship
« Reply #3 on: Fri May 21, 2010 - 14:25:46 »
So I have been married to my wife for 11 years. Any secular couple in their right mind would have split 10 years ago. I was not in love with my wife when we got pregnant, nor did I want to get married having failed once before when I was very young. I was pressured by our pastor and I did want to do the right thing in God's eyes having already committed fornication; I wanted to set things right. We did get along good while dating, we enjoyed each other; just never had that warm fuzzy feeling. It was more like too lonely people coming together who had in common, very abusive childhood's plagued by abusive alcoholic parents.

Myself, I've seen counselor's on and off since I was 15 and feel I have a pretty good grasp on my emotions. I have a great job, I'm a good provider to my family and yes I now love my wife very much. I am also a good Dad and I am usually the one who attends all of the kids school activities and takes them back and forth to soccer practice and swim team.

My wife on the other hand, well, I don't want to sound like I am bashing her; but she is... verbally and mentally abusive. Violence and slander come from her mouth toward both me AND our children everyday. She refuses to work, even when I was recently layed-off for more than a year! I've begged her to work but (the women in her family stayed home and took care of the house and kids). Whatever. She has been diagnosed with depression but denies it and will not take medication.

On top of all this, she refuses to have sex. This has been an ongoing problem for 11 years. I'm not ugly or anything, not dirty or out of shape. While dating we were like rabbits! We have had lots of problems in the marriage and even separated 8 months. No infidelity that I know of but there is about to be. It's now May 20th and I have had sex 2 times this year. I have catered to her in every way imaginable including threatening and giving ultimatums.

I'm completely fed up. I'm very much considering an affair. Do I do porn? You bet I do and take matters into my own hands regularly. I'm not ashamed of that. Is it right? No. But neither is loving and living with a beautiful woman who wants NOTHING to do with you.

Thoughts?

Maybe her anger and abuse are about the porn? She doesn't know you say? Yes she does. She might not actually intellectually know but i'd almost guarantee that on some level the knows or feels something is amiss. Been there, done that, to embarrased to wear the t-shirt.  ::noworries::

Am I suggesting that your porn use is the root cause of everything? Certainly not. I've heard so much  of the "blame the man it's always his fault somehow" line of male bovine excrement that I hear it even when it's not necessarily what's being said. But what I am getting at with the porn use is that you can only work on your own contributions to the situation and believe me, that's a major one.

You mentioned that you both come from abusive backgrounds and mention your own counseling. Has she gotten any counseling? If not, why not?

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Re: Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship
« Reply #3 on: Fri May 21, 2010 - 14:25:46 »

k-pappy

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Re: Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship
« Reply #4 on: Fri May 21, 2010 - 15:28:10 »
The only way to make things right is to stop the porn and start the prayer.

Pray for your wife.  Pray for your marraige.  Pray for strength.  Pray for comfort.

Devote all your energy to prayer and reading God's Word.  God changes hearts and people.  Only God can help you.  Porn will destroy you...not just your marraige, but y-o-u.

Bond

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Re: Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship
« Reply #4 on: Fri May 21, 2010 - 15:28:10 »



Offline BobsRib

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Re: Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship
« Reply #5 on: Fri May 21, 2010 - 18:35:30 »
THOUGHT???? Where do I start?

The problems you have with your marriage are definitely the results of sin and selfishness on BOTH sides.  Sorry no other way to say it. 

Porn is selfish. The comment about "WE" got pregnant is ugly and believe me your wife surely knows how you feel.

I don't see any compassion for anyone in your post, lest of all your wife, who by the way is an easy target for your failures.

Are you the servant leader that God calls you to be? I would bet not.
 
Now that I have said that, let me tell you why I have blasted you. Two reasons(at least).

Since you see the problems, it means YOU should to be the one to begin the changes that will turn your marriage into the marriage God designed for you.

My husband thought "poor me, I have tried everything in the world to make our marriage work.  In truth, the only thing he had tried was to gripe, pout, and blame everything on me. Don't get me wrong, there was plenty to blame me for. I loved my husband dearly, and tried to do whatever (I thought) he wanted. Problem was I trying and doing the wrong things because God wasn't front and center in our lives.

When I realized our marriage was really in trouble, I reached out to God. I prayed and prayed and then I listened. My husband had laid a laundry list of complaints on me of everything I had done wrong since we got married 28 years earlier. My usual reaction would of been to whip out MY laundry list and take it to the mat. But God was working on me big time. I apologized for the things I had done wrong and asked my husband (and God) to forgive me.

God forgave my instantly, but my husband had a much harder time. Even though he had failed as miserably as I had I didn't bring up his failure, we (God) was dealing with me here, not my husband.

It is too late to make this long story short, but I will try.  While God was dealing with me my husband was not very nice. He mocked my success at changing everything he had listed. Not really my success... God's.

My husband kept threatening to leave, to which I would talk him out of. Finally I felt, I believe from God, it was time to call him on it. He came home, threatened to leave, and I said I won't try to stop you. He was so mad! He felt that he had no choice but to leave.

He left for about three hours, he rented an apt. that wouldn't be ready for three days, rented a hotel room, called me three times and came  by twice. 

The second time he came by, I could tell just be looking at him,  God had "dealt" with him too. He asked me to forgive him ( he had an emotional affair,not physical but bad enough) and he was repenting for that and also for his failure as a husband.

We went to christian counseling and found out want we had missed in fullfilling our roles as man and wife.

Bottom line, you are not perfect. Neither is your wife. You can only work on yourself. Leave your wife to God.

LOVE your wife. Your post stated that you catered to her, but then you described you catering as threatening and ultimatums??

When I was faced with the destruction of my marriage, I worked on me. I knew I had a lot of things to change. So did my husband. But you can only change yourself. Be the man, christian, father ,and husband God wants you to be. And see what God can do for your wife. Pray, read the bible and obey God's word.

As for your wife, if she where here seeking advice or even just venting..... man would she get an ear full!! She is certainly not following God's pattern to be a Godly wife. But sad to say she isn't here...... you are.

Now, we have the marriage God wants for us. My husband even thanked me for saving him from the biggest mistake he could have ever made. The glory is God's not mine.

Humble yourself and obey God. It really is the only answer that leads to peace and joy.

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Re: Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship
« Reply #5 on: Fri May 21, 2010 - 18:35:30 »

nc_loner

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Re: Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship
« Reply #6 on: Fri May 21, 2010 - 22:03:52 »
Hmmm well one thing is clear, after bleeding out my heart the only thing anyone here saw was PORN! OMG, evil man pig is doing porn, no wonder his marriage is wrecked, right? That's only been on the table for just the last year; since I lost hope. ::frown::

Did anyone get that I have been on my knees before God, in church, in marriage counseling and in distress for TEN YEARS??? Did any of you get that there are children involved who are living in the same anguish that I am? Daily??? I have gone to great lengths to understand and nurture my wife. I'm nothing like the husbands you all have described.

I come here in pain asking for help and you stone me? Hypocrites!

Offline Thankfulldad

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Re: Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship
« Reply #7 on: Fri May 21, 2010 - 22:18:06 »
Did anyone get that I have been on my knees before God, in church, in marriage counseling and in distress for TEN YEARS??? Did any of you get that there are children involved who are living in the same anguish that I am? Daily??? I have gone to great lengths to understand and nurture my wife. I'm nothing like the husbands you all have described.

I come here in pain asking for help and you stone me? Hypocrites!

I have felt your same pain...24 years of marraige, and then she left me.  You have one choice "love".  That is the only thing that can overcome the evil your wife has put you through.  And...you are far from that right now; miles and miles away.  You asked for advice...and you recieved it.

Now...what are you going to do with it?

Offline BobsRib

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Re: Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship
« Reply #8 on: Fri May 21, 2010 - 22:51:40 »
I did not stone you. You KNOW the porn is wrong. Just as your wife KNOWS to withhold sex is wrong.  That is the problem. In every marriage there are two people with a sin nature that can tear apart a marriage. I mentioned several things that are not part of God's plan.
What I saw in your post was two very unhappy people that are responding to their unhappiness in ungodly ways..... human ways ..... not God's way.
I recognizedyou both! So I know there is hope as long as someone starts really loving the other spouse. Personally, I think it is easier for the wife to change first. That's the way God worked it for us. But God knows the heart, so maybe you are to be the one to yield first. But as long as you have anger and a sense of "that's not fair " in your heart it won't work. We are not talking fair or easy. I had a prayer that got me through some tough times. It went like this:
Lord, Help me to be the christian wife that you want me to be... not because I'm so good.... because I'm not. Not because my husband deserves it ...... because he doesn't. But because you are good and perfect, and you deserve my obedience. I pray this in Your Son's Holy Name, Amen.

I am not really judging you. We are all sinners. Some of us are just saved sinners. I want you to have the marriage I have now!!! We are truly one. Look at my screen name, for goodness sakes. I am my husband's rib! And proud of it. He adores me, and never passes up the opportunity to let me know it. I know my place in our marriage, and he knows his..... bliss. All because we gave up our "rights" and let God decide want we needed.

Please don't believe satan's lies. You won't get the Godly marriage you want by acting sinful. Your wife's angry outburst need to stop. Talk to your wife, let her know that the two of you are going to work together to create a better environment for your kids. I don't know if you zone out when there is a conflict or not but if you do, then your wife feels like she is fighting a battle all by herself. And this can make her fall back on unhealthy learned patterns. Patterns she probably doesn't really like. Tell her you are going to be partners and support each other. But you want things handled calmly. Try to not escalate them.

You are the head of the house. Sorry if that puts so much pressure on you,but it does. The wife is to be supportive and yes even submissive. (it's not really a dirty word) We read the book "Strengthening your marriage" I loved it.  

Have you watched the movie "Fireproof" together?  Do you read the bible together? Pray together?  These are things that brought us closer. If you are in church, find a couple that has the marriage you want.  Ask them to be mentors.

Don't give up. It is well worth the struggle once you get there.

I may sound mean hearted, but you can be sure you, your wife, and your marriage are on my prayer list tonight and for quite a while to come.

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Re: Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship
« Reply #8 on: Fri May 21, 2010 - 22:51:40 »

nc_loner

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Re: Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship
« Reply #9 on: Fri May 21, 2010 - 23:17:27 »
OK so I may have failed to mention that I'm very hyper-sensitive these days, sorry about the meltdown.

I didn't expect anyone to say "more power to ya, she won't put out? then porn is A-OK!" or anything. But I didn't expect it to be everyone's focal point. In my mind it's the result of years of neglect which does not make it any more right. So to answer your questions:

Church attendance has stopped the last 2 years? Our M.O. everytime we find a church we like has been, make friends with an older couple like you described, also ask the pastor to counsel us and help us with our marriage. When it doesn't help we eventually embarrass ourselves so much that we can't show our faces anymore and we move on. I guess we just got tired of being that family everyone looks strange at.

We don't read our bibles together anymore. We did at one time. We also made a point to read a chapter to each other every night from a book like joyce meyers - help me Im married. But that stopped some time ago. I recently became a financial supporter of Jimmy and Karen Evans "Marriage Today" ministry. I love their teachings and in return I get 2 teachings on DVD each month. She won't watch them with me.

Offline BobsRib

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Re: Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship
« Reply #10 on: Fri May 21, 2010 - 23:46:53 »
GET YOUR FAMILY BACK IN CHURCH! Don't stop going to church because of being embarrassed. When we started going to church like we should have been doing all along, it was right in the middle of our troubles. God helped us and I didn't care who knew it. One of my faults that God worked on was pride. It's hard to remain prideful when your husband has told everyone at work he wants to leave you. Especially when a younger blonde wants his attention.  What kind of counseling did you have? Our counselor flat out told us we had a spiritual problem more so than a marriage problem. Pointed out in the bible what each one of us was doing wrong and said don't argue with me.... your arguing with God.
Now since my husband didn't really want to go to counseling because he knew he was wrong and was afraid the counselor would just tell him it was all his fault, I went first. The counselor was wise enough to see my willingness (and the fact I had a lot of work to do) so she lit in on me first. (and how) She handled my husband with kid gloves at first to gain his trust that she wouldn't just start male bashing. It seemed to be a waste of time, in fact she had kind of thrown in the towel with my husband. I didn't give up but it looked pretty bleak. Then boom, he saw the light. Work on yourself and let   God change her. I think women are harder to reach once they get to this point. God can do miracles. Keep asking her to pray with you, watch lessons together. You keep watching them, too. Just don't go all "holier than thou " on her. (I used to do that) it backfires like crazy.Read, pray, and watch the lessons for your own good. Leave her out of it for the time being.
« Last Edit: Fri May 21, 2010 - 23:54:03 by BobsRib »

Offline BobsRib

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Re: Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship
« Reply #11 on: Fri May 21, 2010 - 23:49:46 »
PS. I would listen to Chaz about the porn. He knows what he is talking about. He has put it on the line to try to help lots of people on these forums. He's a good guy.

Offline Norton

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Re: Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship
« Reply #12 on: Sat May 22, 2010 - 00:15:06 »
(quote)

"I was not in love with my wife when we got pregnant, nor did I want to get married having failed once before when I was very young. I was pressured by our pastor and I did want to do the right thing in God's eyes having already committed fornication; I wanted to set things right."
     ******

Your wife knows this even if you didn't tell her. Women can sense things like this a mile away. She knows you married her and you stay with her out of obligation. Yes, I know you also love her, but the obligation thing probably stays on her mind alot. You know what they say about a woman scorned. This is probably not all that is wrong with her, but I sure bet it is part of the problem. I wish I could tell you how to fix it, but I can't. I hope you can.

Offline Ed B

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Re: Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship
« Reply #13 on: Sat May 22, 2010 - 00:48:27 »
Hello NC_Loner

Brother, you are not alone.   Maybe it’s important to know that.

< Lengthy content removed by author >


I will pray for you and I hope to have your prayers in return.

Blessings

Ed B
« Last Edit: Thu Jul 08, 2010 - 13:20:32 by Ed B »

k-pappy

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Re: Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship
« Reply #14 on: Sat May 22, 2010 - 07:04:50 »
Hmmm well one thing is clear, after bleeding out my heart the only thing anyone here saw was PORN! OMG, evil man pig is doing porn, no wonder his marriage is wrecked, right? That's only been on the table for just the last year; since I lost hope. ::frown::

Did anyone get that I have been on my knees before God, in church, in marriage counseling and in distress for TEN YEARS??? Did any of you get that there are children involved who are living in the same anguish that I am? Daily??? I have gone to great lengths to understand and nurture my wife. I'm nothing like the husbands you all have described.

I come here in pain asking for help and you stone me? Hypocrites!

If telling you to stop sinning and start praying makes me a stoning hypocrite, then so be it.

Here is another suggestion that will likely make you angry with me:  get off the computer and pray.  Use all the time you spend online, be it a Christian forum or porn site, and pray.  You can never pray too much.  The thing is, you need faith.  Perhaps you should add that to the list of things to pray for.

Bond
« Last Edit: Sat May 22, 2010 - 09:25:09 by BondServant »

Offline JohnDB

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Re: Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship
« Reply #15 on: Sat May 22, 2010 - 07:47:23 »

nc_loner

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Re: Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship
« Reply #16 on: Sat May 22, 2010 - 08:02:24 »
@Ed B
something as simple and old-fashioned as some good old kissing and non-sexual tender caressing on the couch, fully clothed, would be an example of the kind of intimacy

Ed you sound like my spiritual twin. What you're describing is simple affection. Affection and compassion are what I cru out for daily. It is the #2 on the basic list of Men's needs and yes sex is rolled up in with it. But that 'simple touch' is so much more than that. Jimmy Evans says that when you 'helpmate' touches you, rubs her hand on your back, etc. We men see it as a communication from our wives that says, I'm here for you, I support you, I care about you. And yes, I am resentful that I live my life without that compassion. This is the website for Marriage Today ministries http://www.marriagetoday.org/. I've made a commitment last night to go through the 'Every Great Marriage' teachings either with or without my wife.

Aside from the abuse you describe, what you and I are experiencing is minor

Most Christians would be in horror at what I'm about to say because they would not get it unless they had gone through what we had. But when folks like us get to heaven and meet Jesus for the first time, this is how I imagine the greeting goes...

Jesus embraces me and says something to the affect of... "Oh my dear, dear brother... I was despised for you. I was truly hated for you. They beat me down and mocked me... for you. They pierced my side, for you. I was crucified, for you. But my dear brother my pain last only a few hours. How were you able to survive 10 years (or in your case 30 years!) being mocked, denied and without love?"

Then I say, not without your help lord. I did it for you. Then he tosses me the keys to his golden Cadillac and we drive off to a hockey game together, devils vs the angels :)

Offline JohnDB

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Re: Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship
« Reply #17 on: Sat May 22, 2010 - 08:13:08 »
Here is another article I found interesting as well....granted it has a "man" focus as the abuser...but I know for a fact that women can abuse emotionally just as effectively as men can.

http://eqi.org/couples_counseling_abuse.htm

nc_loner

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Re: Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship
« Reply #18 on: Sat May 22, 2010 - 08:52:09 »
Here is an article that will resemble what it is that you are going through...

http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/07/27/how-emotionally-abusive-women-control-you-the-fear-of-loss-and-the-need-for-approval/




Wow, talk about an eye opener John! This is HER! I seriously need a professional plan.

k-pappy

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Re: Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship
« Reply #19 on: Sat May 22, 2010 - 09:43:42 »
Here is an article that will resemble what it is that you are going through...

http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/07/27/how-emotionally-abusive-women-control-you-the-fear-of-loss-and-the-need-for-approval/




This is total garbage...the lady is playing on men's fears to sell her services.  Taking advantage of the downtrodden to make money.

Bond

k-pappy

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Re: Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship
« Reply #20 on: Sat May 22, 2010 - 09:45:35 »
Here is an article that will resemble what it is that you are going through...

http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/07/27/how-emotionally-abusive-women-control-you-the-fear-of-loss-and-the-need-for-approval/




Wow, talk about an eye opener John! This is HER! I seriously need a professional plan.


Are you being abused?  If so, then you need to get out.  You need to leave.

Don't get me wrong...that blog is complete garbage...a pathetic advertisement for services.  Still, if you spouse is abusing you then you need to get out of the relationship.

bond

nc_loner

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Re: Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship
« Reply #21 on: Sat May 22, 2010 - 10:17:11 »
Maybe her anger and abuse are about the porn?

Not even close, it may shock you to know that SHE introduced internet porn into the marriage about 2 years ago for stimulation. Then I learned about her lesbian fantasies and after a while we stopped. I picked it up again recently, she doesn't know. Still it is wrong and I will stop it. I'm also going to plan to get out. This can't be saved.

You mentioned that you both come from abusive backgrounds and mention your own counseling. Has she gotten any counseling? If not, why not?
We both did counseling over the years, christian marriage counseling and individual. It's fine as long as I am the one who needs correction. As soon as the spotlight is on her... well that counselor doesn't know what the hell he's talking about and we stop going. She's VERY good at listening for what "I" need to hear. :)

nc_loner

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Re: Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship
« Reply #22 on: Sat May 22, 2010 - 10:28:20 »
http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/07/27/how-emotionally-abusive-women-control-you-the-fear-of-loss-and-the-need-for-approval/

Are you being abused?  If so, then you need to get out.  You need to leave.

Don't get me wrong...that blog is complete garbage...a pathetic advertisement for services.  Still, if you spouse is abusing you then you need to get out of the relationship.

bond


Thanks BondServent for your feedback.
Yes I AM being abused. I have been emotionally, mentally, spiritually and sometimes physically abused for 10 years. My children are now beginning to show the signs of being exposed to a bad relationship. So I need to get out. That said, I believe that there is an Almighty God who hears a man cry out in his prayers. I believe that God honors marriage and has the power to change any situation in the blink of an eye? So which is it? Do I need to leave or do I need to be obedient? This is the confusion. This is why I have come here.

PS: I recognize the blog for what it is. Internet marketing is part of what I do. It is an advertisement but it does not disqualify the validity of the content or the responses.

k-pappy

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Re: Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship
« Reply #23 on: Sat May 22, 2010 - 12:33:13 »
I hope you will continue to pardon my bluntness, but if you are being abused then you need to leave.

No discussion, no ifs, just go.  It would be wise to take your kids with you.

If anybody tells you that you are being disobedient for leaving abuse, they are both arrogant and destructive and should be ignored.

Bond

Offline His Princess

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Re: Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship
« Reply #24 on: Sun May 23, 2010 - 00:22:59 »
I've been reading thru this thread & I have a question I'd like to ask on behalf of this poor man. Why does everyone act like divorce/separation is like the most awful, horrible, unforgivable, unthinkable thing in the world. It sounds like this husband has already been doing all the things you guys mention. So he speaks bluntly because he doesn't have the time or patience to sugar coat things or pussyfoot around. That doesn't mean he hasn't been doing all those things. It seems to me like it would be criminal if - for no other reason - to keep those kids in a situation like this. They'll end up more messed up than their parents were to start with.

Offline BobsRib

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Re: Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship
« Reply #25 on: Sun May 23, 2010 - 08:56:32 »
If he leaves chances are not in his favor that he will get the kids, so that means they get to stay in the same situation that a grown man finds intolerable.

Some how I can't see a sports car ride in heaven...... this is a situation of your making. It will either be well done my good and faithful servant....... or not.

I am not saying allow her to mentally abuse you and the kids, but there are other ways to handle it than to bail.  Maybe intervene and take the kids outside until she stops. If necessary take them for a ride around the block. Or stay at a relatives house for a night or two to let her know it IS going to stop. Calmly, firmly and lovingly. Letting her continue to act this way is not loving her.

If she won't go to church, you and the kids need to attend on a regular basis.

Pray, pray, pray.

Yes, I would give this same advice to a wife.
« Last Edit: Sun May 23, 2010 - 09:07:51 by BobsRib »

Offline His Princess

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Re: Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship
« Reply #26 on: Sun May 23, 2010 - 09:23:08 »
If he does get to the point where he wants to split, I would urge him to aggressively pursue getting custody.  The courts aren't so cut and dry on that one anymore.  At the very least, he could get joint custody.  All that is beside the point right now, I hope he's able to salvage the marriage through the things you all have said, but just in case.....

Offline Thankfulldad

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Re: Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship
« Reply #27 on: Sun May 23, 2010 - 10:13:15 »
I've been reading thru this thread & I have a question I'd like to ask on behalf of this poor man. Why does everyone act like divorce/separation is like the most awful, horrible, unforgivable, unthinkable thing in the world.

Well...I have been through one; and it was the most awful, horrible, I will leave out unforgivable and unthinkable (because we are forgiven); regardless...divorce tears apart hearts, families, children...and so much more.  And, God does not like it much either.

Regardless though; God does heal the broken hearted...and can use any situation in life to bring His Children closer to Him.  If this man stays...he will need the Love of God to flow through him to save this marraige.  If this man leaves...he will need the Love of God to flow through him to help his children and even his wife.

If he tries to do either on his own...there will be no healing.

Offline His Princess

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Re: Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship
« Reply #28 on: Sun May 23, 2010 - 10:16:20 »
Yes, that's true.   

nc_loner

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Re: Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship
« Reply #29 on: Sun May 23, 2010 - 14:44:32 »
Thank you hisPrincess and ThankfulDad. I do tend to speak very matter-of-factly even in real life so if my texts seem to be lacking a certain flair of emotion it's probably why. Add to that the 10 years of giving into this relationship with little in return drains a person.

Still, I have been in prayer, in my Bible and weighing the feedback I have received here. Sometimes just typing and getting the "pen to paper" effect can clear things up too. The bottom line is I love my Lord and I love my wife. I cannot accept that this marriage cannot be fixed. If this were true then, God wouldn't be God he would be powerless. I have come away with at least one important lesson though. I need to let God worry about my wife and focus I what I can do to change what I'm doing. I need to get spiritually centered again, more prayer time and some one on one counseling instead of marriage counseling. I know I play a role in this even if its learning how to react properly when she is starting her stuff ;)

Thanks all and God bless your marriages!

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Re: Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship
« Reply #30 on: Sun May 23, 2010 - 14:55:41 »
Sounds like a great plan! Feel free to come here for encouragement or to update us.

Offline Thankfulldad

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Re: Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship
« Reply #31 on: Sun May 23, 2010 - 16:18:24 »
I need to get spiritually centered again, more prayer time and some one on one counseling instead of marriage counseling. I know I play a role in this even if its learning how to react properly when she is starting her stuff

Brother...it will take some time; but, when she is starting her stuff.....instead of "reacting" (with the flesh)..."respond" with Jesus (His Spirit) working through you.  There is nothing satan can do...when Jesus responds through someone with His love.  It will feel weird at first...but, Paul tells us not to be overcome by evil...but, to overcome evil with good.  And there is only One that is good, so let Him work through you.

Even if your wife hardens her heart further; the life long peace you will have in Jesus is worth giving way to Him.  At every turn abandon your rights to Jesus; you will learn there is no justice...which is ok, because of the peace that will result.

Also...for the one that trusts in Jesus, His compassion, His grace, His mercy, His suffering, His death, His blood, His forgiveness, His Spirit working through you with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-contol.....will then lead to His Wisdom which is first pure, the peace loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere....He gives us peace.

When we trust in Jesus; God's word tells us we will never be put to shame.

It is not what you can do for God...but, what God can do through you.  Give the glory to God when each time you respond with His love...as you see a melting of the hardness of heart in her.
 

« Last Edit: Sun May 23, 2010 - 16:24:57 by Thankfulldad »

k-pappy

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Re: Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship
« Reply #32 on: Mon May 24, 2010 - 08:26:01 »
nc, mind if I ask exactly what it is you are looking for?

I told you to stop sinning and pray...you called me judgmental and said you were being abused...I advised you to leave the abusive relationship and now you are saying you need to pray.

That was the first thing I told you.

I would still recommend getting out of an abusive relationship...it is one of the few cases where staying is more harmful to the children then leaving.

Whatever you do, whatever you decide, whatever you say next, know that I will be praying for you.

Bond

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Re: Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship
« Reply #33 on: Mon May 24, 2010 - 08:32:45 »
I have to say I agree with this. If it truly is abusive -- even if its for the sake of the kids -- you should get out and keep them with you.  But of course we don't know all the ins and outs of this particular situation. You'll know what to do.

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Re: Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship
« Reply #34 on: Mon May 24, 2010 - 09:20:40 »
I've been reading thru this thread & I have a question I'd like to ask on behalf of this poor man. Why does everyone act like divorce/separation is like the most awful, horrible, unforgivable, unthinkable thing in the world. It sounds like this husband has already been doing all the things you guys mention. So he speaks bluntly because he doesn't have the time or patience to sugar coat things or pussyfoot around. That doesn't mean he hasn't been doing all those things. It seems to me like it would be criminal if - for no other reason - to keep those kids in a situation like this. They'll end up more messed up than their parents were to start with.


Been married 46 years some good some bad.

The words i spoke 46 years ago matter..... something like do you swear before God and this company to .... Well i gave a vow to God tell death due  us part..  There have been times... shouldn't go there.....

......in good times and bad.  in sickness and health.  for richer or poorer.... love, honor, cherish,?

As Christians are we to take the worlds way  or His?   From this guys posts he seems to be in the 'right' but we don't live in the home.    

I would ask myself if she turned me on to porn was that so she could use it against me?  A woman will use  "his" guilt as a tool.  We (women) are the 'weaker' sex so we use what we can.

Sir i would think real hard before i split..... If she is so bad i have to go i am a hypocrite if i leave my kids.


 

     
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