Where do I start?
The problems you have with your marriage are definitely the results of sin and selfishness on BOTH sides. Sorry no other way to say it.
Porn is selfish. The comment about "WE" got pregnant is ugly and believe me your wife surely knows how you feel.
I don't see any compassion for anyone in your post, lest of all your wife, who by the way is an easy target for your failures.
Are you the servant leader that God calls you to be? I would bet not.
Now that I have said that, let me tell you why I have blasted you. Two reasons(at least).
Since you see the problems, it means YOU should to be the one to begin the changes that will turn your marriage into the marriage God designed for you.
My husband thought "poor me, I have tried everything in the world to make our marriage work. In truth, the only thing he had tried was to gripe, pout, and blame everything on me. Don't get me wrong, there was plenty to blame me for. I loved my husband dearly, and tried to do whatever (I thought) he wanted. Problem was I trying and doing the wrong things because God wasn't front and center in our lives.
When I realized our marriage was really in trouble, I reached out to God. I prayed and prayed and then I listened. My husband had laid a laundry list of complaints on me of everything I had done wrong since we got married 28 years earlier. My usual reaction would of been to whip out MY laundry list and take it to the mat. But God was working on me big time. I apologized for the things I had done wrong and asked my husband (and God) to forgive me.
God forgave my instantly, but my husband had a much harder time. Even though he had failed as miserably as I had I didn't bring up his failure, we (God) was dealing with me here, not my husband.
It is too late to make this long story short, but I will try. While God was dealing with me my husband was not very nice. He mocked my success at changing everything he had listed. Not really my success... God's.
My husband kept threatening to leave, to which I would talk him out of. Finally I felt, I believe from God, it was time to call him on it. He came home, threatened to leave, and I said I won't try to stop you. He was so mad! He felt that he had no choice but to leave.
He left for about three hours, he rented an apt. that wouldn't be ready for three days, rented a hotel room, called me three times and came by twice.
The second time he came by, I could tell just be looking at him, God had "dealt" with him too. He asked me to forgive him ( he had an emotional affair,not physical but bad enough) and he was repenting for that and also for his failure as a husband.
We went to christian counseling and found out want we had missed in fullfilling our roles as man and wife.
Bottom line, you are not perfect. Neither is your wife. You can only work on yourself. Leave your wife to God.
LOVE your wife. Your post stated that you catered to her, but then you described you catering as threatening and ultimatums??
When I was faced with the destruction of my marriage, I worked on me. I knew I had a lot of things to change. So did my husband. But you can only change yourself. Be the man, christian, father ,and husband God wants you to be. And see what God can do for your wife. Pray, read the bible and obey God's word.
As for your wife, if she where here seeking advice or even just venting..... man would she get an ear full!! She is certainly not following God's pattern to be a Godly wife. But sad to say she isn't here...... you are.
Now, we have the marriage God wants for us. My husband even thanked me for saving him from the biggest mistake he could have ever made. The glory is God's not mine.
Humble yourself and obey God. It really is the only answer that leads to peace and joy.