Loveless, Sexless Marriage void of Friendship

[JohnDB]

Here is an article that will resemble what it is that you are going through...

http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/07/27/how-emotionally-abusive-women-control-you-the-fear-of-loss-and-the-need-for-approval/

[nc_loner]

@Ed B

something as simple and old-fashioned as some good old kissing and non-sexual tender caressing on the couch, fully clothed, would be an example of the kind of intimacy

Ed you sound like my spiritual twin. What you're describing is simple affection. Affection and compassion are what I cru out for daily. It is the #2 on the basic list of Men's needs and yes sex is rolled up in with it. But that 'simple touch' is so much more than that. Jimmy Evans says that when you 'helpmate' touches you, rubs her hand on your back, etc. We men see it as a communication from our wives that says, I'm here for you, I support you, I care about you. And yes, I am resentful that I live my life without that compassion. This is the website for Marriage Today ministries http://www.marriagetoday.org/. I've made a commitment last night to go through the 'Every Great Marriage' teachings either with or without my wife.

Aside from the abuse you describe, what you and I are experiencing is minor

Most Christians would be in horror at what I'm about to say because they would not get it unless they had gone through what we had. But when folks like us get to heaven and meet Jesus for the first time, this is how I imagine the greeting goes...

Jesus embraces me and says something to the affect of... "Oh my dear, dear brother... I was despised for you. I was truly hated for you. They beat me down and mocked me... for you. They pierced my side, for you. I was crucified, for you. But my dear brother my pain last only a few hours. How were you able to survive 10 years (or in your case 30 years!) being mocked, denied and without love?"

Then I say, not without your help lord. I did it for you. Then he tosses me the keys to his golden Cadillac and we drive off to a hockey game together, devils vs the angels :)

[JohnDB]

Here is another article I found interesting as well....granted it has a "man" focus as the abuser...but I know for a fact that women can abuse emotionally just as effectively as men can.

http://eqi.org/couples_counseling_abuse.htm

[nc_loner]

Here is an article that will resemble what it is that you are going through...

http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/07/27/how-emotionally-abusive-women-control-you-the-fear-of-loss-and-the-need-for-approval/

Wow, talk about an eye opener John! This is HER! I seriously need a professional plan.

[BondServant]

Here is an article that will resemble what it is that you are going through...

http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/07/27/how-emotionally-abusive-women-control-you-the-fear-of-loss-and-the-need-for-approval/

This is total garbage...the lady is playing on men's fears to sell her services.  Taking advantage of the downtrodden to make money.

Bond

[BondServant]

Here is an article that will resemble what it is that you are going through...

http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/07/27/how-emotionally-abusive-women-control-you-the-fear-of-loss-and-the-need-for-approval/

Wow, talk about an eye opener John! This is HER! I seriously need a professional plan.

Are you being abused?  If so, then you need to get out.  You need to leave.

Don't get me wrong...that blog is complete garbage...a pathetic advertisement for services.  Still, if you spouse is abusing you then you need to get out of the relationship.

bond

[nc_loner]

Maybe her anger and abuse are about the porn?

Not even close, it may shock you to know that SHE introduced internet porn into the marriage about 2 years ago for stimulation. Then I learned about her lesbian fantasies and after a while we stopped. I picked it up again recently, she doesn't know. Still it is wrong and I will stop it. I'm also going to plan to get out. This can't be saved.

You mentioned that you both come from abusive backgrounds and mention your own counseling. Has she gotten any counseling? If not, why not?

We both did counseling over the years, christian marriage counseling and individual. It's fine as long as I am the one who needs correction. As soon as the spotlight is on her... well that counselor doesn't know what the hell he's talking about and we stop going. She's VERY good at listening for what "I" need to hear. :)

[nc_loner]

http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/07/27/how-emotionally-abusive-women-control-you-the-fear-of-loss-and-the-need-for-approval/

Are you being abused?  If so, then you need to get out.  You need to leave.

Don't get me wrong...that blog is complete garbage...a pathetic advertisement for services.  Still, if you spouse is abusing you then you need to get out of the relationship.

bond

Thanks BondServent for your feedback.
Yes I AM being abused. I have been emotionally, mentally, spiritually and sometimes physically abused for 10 years. My children are now beginning to show the signs of being exposed to a bad relationship. So I need to get out. That said, I believe that there is an Almighty God who hears a man cry out in his prayers. I believe that God honors marriage and has the power to change any situation in the blink of an eye? So which is it? Do I need to leave or do I need to be obedient? This is the confusion. This is why I have come here.

PS: I recognize the blog for what it is. Internet marketing is part of what I do. It is an advertisement but it does not disqualify the validity of the content or the responses.

[BondServant]

I hope you will continue to pardon my bluntness, but if you are being abused then you need to leave.

No discussion, no ifs, just go.  It would be wise to take your kids with you.

If anybody tells you that you are being disobedient for leaving abuse, they are both arrogant and destructive and should be ignored.

Bond

[His Princess]

I've been reading thru this thread & I have a question I'd like to ask on behalf of this poor man. Why does everyone act like divorce/separation is like the most awful, horrible, unforgivable, unthinkable thing in the world. It sounds like this husband has already been doing all the things you guys mention. So he speaks bluntly because he doesn't have the time or patience to sugar coat things or pussyfoot around. That doesn't mean he hasn't been doing all those things. It seems to me like it would be criminal if - for no other reason - to keep those kids in a situation like this. They'll end up more messed up than their parents were to start with.

[BobsRib]

If he leaves chances are not in his favor that he will get the kids, so that means they get to stay in the same situation that a grown man finds intolerable.

Some how I can't see a sports car ride in heaven...... this is a situation of your making. It will either be well done my good and faithful servant....... or not.

I am not saying allow her to mentally abuse you and the kids, but there are other ways to handle it than to bail.  Maybe intervene and take the kids outside until she stops. If necessary take them for a ride around the block. Or stay at a relatives house for a night or two to let her know it IS going to stop. Calmly, firmly and lovingly. Letting her continue to act this way is not loving her.

If she won't go to church, you and the kids need to attend on a regular basis.

Pray, pray, pray.

Yes, I would give this same advice to a wife.

[His Princess]

If he does get to the point where he wants to split, I would urge him to aggressively pursue getting custody.  The courts aren't so cut and dry on that one anymore.  At the very least, he could get joint custody.  All that is beside the point right now, I hope he's able to salvage the marriage through the things you all have said, but just in case.....

[Thankfulldad]

I've been reading thru this thread & I have a question I'd like to ask on behalf of this poor man. Why does everyone act like divorce/separation is like the most awful, horrible, unforgivable, unthinkable thing in the world.

Well...I have been through one; and it was the most awful, horrible, I will leave out unforgivable and unthinkable (because we are forgiven); regardless...divorce tears apart hearts, families, children...and so much more.  And, God does not like it much either.

Regardless though; God does heal the broken hearted...and can use any situation in life to bring His Children closer to Him.  If this man stays...he will need the Love of God to flow through him to save this marraige.  If this man leaves...he will need the Love of God to flow through him to help his children and even his wife.

If he tries to do either on his own...there will be no healing.

[His Princess]

Yes, that's true.   

[nc_loner]

Thank you hisPrincess and ThankfulDad. I do tend to speak very matter-of-factly even in real life so if my texts seem to be lacking a certain flair of emotion it's probably why. Add to that the 10 years of giving into this relationship with little in return drains a person.

Still, I have been in prayer, in my Bible and weighing the feedback I have received here. Sometimes just typing and getting the "pen to paper" effect can clear things up too. The bottom line is I love my Lord and I love my wife. I cannot accept that this marriage cannot be fixed. If this were true then, God wouldn't be God he would be powerless. I have come away with at least one important lesson though. I need to let God worry about my wife and focus I what I can do to change what I'm doing. I need to get spiritually centered again, more prayer time and some one on one counseling instead of marriage counseling. I know I play a role in this even if its learning how to react properly when she is starting her stuff ;)

Thanks all and God bless your marriages!