Marital concern

[Miraja]

Hi,
I'm new to this forum.  I was searching for a safe place to discuss my marital problems.  I have been married for 7 years and my husband and I are both Christians.  The problem is that my husband has no desire to be intimate.  It has become progressively worse over the past 3 years.  We are both in our 50's.  We have been to a Christian counselor regarding my husbands control issues.  The 3 months we were in counseling my husband was very attentive sexually, which I think was to avoid the topic at counseling because it stopped when the counseling stopped.  When I bring up the subject (always in a nice way) he shuts down or gets mad and won't talk about it.  He says that it is just the way he is.  I have prayed about this and sought advice, but nothing seems to change.  I continue to be a loving and attentive wife, but inside I feel hurt and betrayed.  Also, I am not worried that he is having an affair.  I don't want a divorce, but I also do not want to live my life this way!

Miraja

[chosenone]

has he been married before and was the issue the same then?

[Miraja]

He was married for 15 years, and his (adult)daughter told me that her mother mentioned the same issue.  If I attempt some simple intimacy, he usually begins "baby talk" with me.  I believe he has major intimacy issues that he absolutely will not discuss.   

Thank you for replying!

God Bless,

Miraja

[Miraja]

Also, he told me that when he was younger, before he ever married, he preferred prostitutes and married women.  I figure because there was no commitment involved on his part because they were technically unavailable.  He basically felt safe.  Just my opinion.

[chosenone]

I think he has some SERIOUS issues that need to be sorted out from what you have said. Has he had prayer/minsistry for any of this? Has he repented for his casual sex with prostitutes and married women?He has been sexually joined to many women, many of whom had been sexually joined to many other men. I think he may well need some sort of deliverance and/or prayer ministry for all this.
It sounds to me that there may well be some sexual deviancy there, maybe due to some past damage?? What was his childhood like in that way?

[Miraja]

His childhood was not bad, but his father was verbally abusive to his mother, and there was no type of affection shown for one another.  My husband works hard, comes home every night.  He acts prudish, I never see him naked, and he skips over intimate scenes in movies, so I don't get the feeling he is a pervert.   He would never want to discuss this with anyone.  He won't even discuss it with me, and he acts as though everything is normal in our relationship, so I have just been doing the same.

[chosenone]

His childhood was not bad, but his father was verbally abusive to his mother, and there was no type of affection shown for one another.  My husband works hard, comes home every night.  He acts prudish, I never see him naked, and he skips over intimate scenes in movies, so I don't get the feeling he is a pervert.   He would never want to discuss this with anyone.  He won't even discuss it with me, and he acts as though everything is normal in our relationship, so I have just been doing the same.

   

I didint say that he may be a pervert but that he has things that need dealing with. if he only interested sexually in prostitutes and married women but has no sexual interest in his wife(s) that says that something is VERY wrong.It also means that is isnt that he has  a low testerone as then he wouldnt be interested in anyone. Also why the baby talk whenever you get intimate? That seems strange also.

Please pray about his sexual past. That will be affecting him unless he has totally repented and had ministry for the spiritual damage that it would have had. When we have sex with a person, it joins us in a  spiritual way as well as a physical way and that needs to be dealt with or it will continue to affect him and you. Also sexual sin is very serious and unless he has totally repented it will be also affecting him.

[Miraja]

Thank you so much chosenone.  Your input is greatly appreciated.

God Bless,

Miraja

[son of God]

it's not just things done or thought, but things seen when young that can affect a person profoundly -- they don't have the insight to handle it properly.  Also, he responds as many do who have been violated when young.  usually, the catagorically deny it.  just because they deny it, doesn't mean that it happened or not.  A thief will tell you that he didin't steal, and an honest person will tell you that he didn't steal.  but it helps to ask, for sometimes they will come clean.  Don't leap to conclusions, either the one way or the other, but believe the answer unless, and ONLY unless you are give definitive grounds to the contrary.

he has an issue with sex.  you can't force him to deal with it.  God can.  forget going to your man about it.  Go to God alone, sis.  god will deal with him only after you quite trying to be God in his life.  And believe me, God will deal with him far better than anyone.  anyone!  and sometimes, it can be very, very unpleasant for the person.  You need to be on God's side, sitting on the sidelines while God does His thing, lest you suffer overflow from God's dealing with him.  That, my friend, can be very, very unpleasant.

Be wise.  Be harmless.  Not to be harsh, but I don't think you've been either, from what you've posted.  Thanks for being open about it.  I hope the best for you and him.  "trust and obey, for there's no other way..."

"and wives, submit without grumbling..."  That's God's way.  I say this lovingly: get out of His way, and you will see Him work.

[lightshineon]

 I do not know, could it be because he is older? Medications like high blood pressure? Would viagra help?

[chosenone]

I do not know, could it be because he is older? Medications like high blood pressure? Would viagra help?

 apparently he was also like this in his earlier 15 year marriage, so maybe age isnt the reason.

[lightshineon]

His childhood was not bad, but his father was verbally abusive to his mother, and there was no type of affection shown for one another.  My husband works hard, comes home every night.  He acts prudish, I never see him naked, and he skips over intimate scenes in movies, so I don't get the feeling he is a pervert.   He would never want to discuss this with anyone.  He won't even discuss it with me, and he acts as though everything is normal in our relationship, so I have just been doing the same.

 So you do not think it is a sexual thing with other women? It could be as I stated above. Maybe he is embarrassed to discuss it, knowing the way men are about these things.