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Offline Stacie Cook

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Marriage help, new to reformed faith
« on: Sat Apr 30, 2016 - 11:14:04 »
Hi there- I am just going to jump right in with a serious question. Nothing like a long newbie post, eh?
Trying to provide some background info- I have been married for almost 15yrs. I have been a christian since 2000. My husband is also a christian. When we got married we attended a non-denominational church. It was baptist in name, but non-denom from what I could tell. We attended that church for about 8yrs. Husband was feeling like we needed a change in churches. I am still not exactly sure why, but sometimes I think that happens. We attended another non-denom church for about 2yrs. During this time we started having children. Due to some child-rearing circumstances, for about 15-18mos we did not go to church together regularly. I went one week, he went the next. Around spring of 2013 we were finally able to attend chuch together as a family. Hubby had been doing some searching and feeling inclined toward presbyterian. So we started attending a presbyterian church. I loved it. For the first time in a long time I had enjoyed going to church. I don't know when, but before that I had lost that enjoyment of being at church and fellowship of other believers. We became members of the presby church after attending there for a year. I enjoyed it. Kids enjoyed it. I thought hubby enjoyed it as well. We were building friendships (which is something hard for me to do). Then in the summer of 2014, hubby was looking more and more into the different aspects of presbyterian denominations and the different sections (pcusa, opc). He wanted to check out an OPC church nearby. He went to an evening service and liked it and wanted to go back. I was a little taken back by this since we had just joined a presby church a couple months before. I liked where we were at and didn't understand the desire for change. Nonetheless, I went with what he wanted. I was clear about my feelings about leaving the church we became members at, but told him that I would abide. Going from a presby church to an opc, 'ever family member in the service' was quite hard for me. So noisy with all the kids in the service, including our four young kids. There aren't any women's ministries classes. No sunday school classes for the kids to be in. We became members of this opc church in July 2015. I honestly still feel burned from leaving the other church that I liked. I have tried liking our new church, but it has been hard. My husband seems to like the reformed faith more and more each day. Meanwhile, I feel further and further apart from God each day. I can tell that my husband is transforming. At first it felt good. His temper was getting better. He was becoming more patient with me and the kids and in turn I was becoming more patient. But the things he says and decisions he makes are increasingly not ones that I agree with. I get them on a certain level. I understand why he believes what he does, but I don't feel the same way. The singing for example. We are not a 'psalms only' church. We also have a hymns book we sing from. We have just a piano player. I understand the point of view of singing only psalms and counsel-approved hymns. I get it on perhaps a mental/intellectual level. But I don't like it. I dread the singing aspect of church. The songs are soooooo boring. Singing a song that feels uplifting is encouraging and helps me to be ready to hear God.
And I understand the point of view that we are not there to 'feel good'. We are there to worship God. To sing to Him. Again, I get it on an intellectual level, but there is a disconnect being knowing that and feeling/understanding on a deeper level. Worship is not about us. I hear that, but I don't agree completely. If a song is encouraging, what is wrong with that even if it isn't 'approved' of by a counsel? Jesus pictures are another example. Again, I understand that we ought not to have images of Jesus. I get it, but I don't understand the depth to which he talks about it. Our kids know how we feel about it. Can we just move on? Do we really need to change schools (private classical christian) because a teacher mentioned a Jesus Film being used in India as a missionary tool? More and more things like this creep up. And it feels to me dreadful. It feels like more and more 'rules' about things. God is holy. We should worship Him and be as 'holy' as we can to approach God. I get that. But God also loves us no matter how we come to Him. Knowing that can help us *want* to worship God.
I try to come back to the main message Jesus teaches which is to love Him and to love each other. Love, within the context of what Jesus defines as love. Isn't part of love giving people the benefit of the doubt? If we know someone who works on Sunday, should we automatically assume they are being sinful? We have no idea what their circumstance is. Why jump to conclusions? Why is it even necessary? I think part of it is that we have four young children. We are given the responsibility to point them to Jesus. Raising children makes us hyper-vigilant to things we feel compelled to teach them about. "Kids, see that person? They shouldn't be working on Sunday." I prefer to say, "We think it is best for us to not work or shop on Sunday. The best way to tell other people is by being an example to others."
I used to think that having different denoms was silly. That we should all be able to do the same things. Same kind of worship, etc. Then I came to realize that we are all different people with different personalities. What speaks to each of us is different. So why wouldn't different types of worship speak or resonate with people differently?
We are increasingly of different minds on things and I don't know how to reconcile that. We have been at this church for about 18mos now. The people are nice. I have tried giving this a shot, but I just don't feel any different from day 1.
I plan on taking with my husband about this, but I thought perhaps you all could offer some perspective I am not seeing.
I am also dealing with some recently acknowledged depression issues. I don't know if this is a driving force (among a couple other things) for my depression or if it is just another tagalong. I am scheduled to see my doctor. Which will probably be another issue. That I am not just trying to pray it away and/or seek the church for direct help. I don't feel comfortable right now seeking the church for help. If I did, it would be a group of about 6-8 older men feeling like what would be a grilling session. They are very nice men, but it just wouldn't feel comforting.
On top of all this, he has been wanting to go to seminary. Which would requiring uprooting our current lives and moving 2hrs north of where we are. I was initially against this (moving, not the seminary part), but I finally came around. That was just over a month ago. Then just two weeks ago he says we should wait another year due to finances. Last week he is back to trying to find ways for us to move yet this summer. This back and forth is in my opinion something he does every so often. Comes up with an idea. Then I have to wait it out to know if he is serious or not. I know he is serious about seminary, but the logistics are all over the place. I know it is a hefty decision for him to make, but the back and forth is frustrating. He asks me for my thoughts on it, but I don't know what is left to say. He knows that I want to wait another year. Partly due to the fact that we already told our children's school that we would be back for another year (after initially telling them we weren't). Partly because just two weeks ago he said we *were* staying for another year and I have already told family and friends that we are staying one more year, because *he* said we were. I just want some consistency.
Our intimate relationship is not going well either. I have gained 30-40lbs in the last 4yrs. I feel disgusting. Our times of intimacy per month is getting smaller and smaller. He is a runner and stays fit. He use to initiate our intimacy quite regularly. In the last yr or so, he doesn't initiate much at all anymore. I feel like it is because I have gained weight.

So..... after all that I guess my question is: How to be in a relationship when we are increasingly of different minds as far as belief systems, church attendance, etc. Every part of our lives is affected because each decision we make depends on our belief system. I *want* to be willing to submit and abide by my husband's decisions, but I feel increasingly at odds with them. I love him. I want to trust him, but I am having a really hard time with that right now.
I was hoping to get some advice from women, but perhaps hearing from other men might be just as helpful. Thank you for listening.
« Last Edit: Sat Apr 30, 2016 - 11:20:09 by Stacie Cook »

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Marriage help, new to reformed faith
« on: Sat Apr 30, 2016 - 11:14:04 »

Offline Stacie Cook

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Re: Marriage help, new to reformed faith
« Reply #1 on: Sat Apr 30, 2016 - 11:21:31 »
I know I should just tell him this stuff, but then we get into arguments and sometimes it just feels easier to swallow it all myself.

Offline TonkaTim

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Re: Marriage help, new to reformed faith
« Reply #2 on: Sat Apr 30, 2016 - 11:44:06 »
Stacie, It is an almost impossible thing for one man to advise another man's wife. It is not our place because then we are intruding into his realm of authority.

All I can do is tell you about my wife. Our relationship & how we worked together. I only said no to her when I knew it was not in the best interest of us & our family. I had to do that because I knew the burden of responsibility for us & our children was upon me. My wife & I always had open communication. There was nothing we could not talk about. We always greeted each other with a smile & told each other 'I love you' when we exited the door apart. Making sure if anything went wrong the last words we would remember where those. I have a beautiful special wife, who I will always adore. She made it easy for us to live that way.


If a man is being called to the ministry all doors will open to do God's will because it is God's will. Men should always consider that carefully to make sure it His will & not their will.

As a man to another man's wife I think that is the limit I can say on the matter or I would be over-stepping my bounds.


I will pray for you & your husband Stacie. I will pray that God will reveal His will to both of you, especially your husband so these issues can be solved easily & lovingly.

God bless little sister Stacie

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Re: Marriage help, new to reformed faith
« Reply #2 on: Sat Apr 30, 2016 - 11:44:06 »

Offline Stacie Cook

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Re: Marriage help, new to reformed faith
« Reply #3 on: Sat Apr 30, 2016 - 13:22:16 »
Thank you so much for the reply. I appreciate it.

Communication has always been a struggle for us. I often feel afraid to communicate things out of fear of his judgment, dissappointment, anger.

Thank you again.


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Re: Marriage help, new to reformed faith
« Reply #3 on: Sat Apr 30, 2016 - 13:22:16 »

Offline TonkaTim

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Re: Marriage help, new to reformed faith
« Reply #4 on: Sat Apr 30, 2016 - 13:40:24 »
You're very welcome.  ::smile::

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Re: Marriage help, new to reformed faith
« Reply #4 on: Sat Apr 30, 2016 - 13:40:24 »



Offline Pennie

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Re: Marriage help, new to reformed faith
« Reply #5 on: Sat Apr 30, 2016 - 14:57:45 »
Hi Stacie, and welcome to the forum. You said last that you're often afraid to talk to your husband out of fear of his judgement, disappointment, and anger. Does he give you reason to fear that type of reaction? Or is it a personal fear of yours that stems from insecurity/low confidence/depression?
I ask because the reason why you have those fears is very important.

Sometimes I think something is going to make my husband upset and I've totally misjudged things, and he's not mad at all.

Tim said something in his reply to you that rang a bell with me. "the burden of responsibility for us and our children was upon me".
In other words, the Christian husband should take his family's happiness into account when he makes decisions that affect them all. Of course there may be an exception now and then, when he must do what is right and what is best for the family in the long run even if his wife is not happy with it initially.....but this is AFTER prayerful consideration and a calm, sit-down discussion with his wife, where she is encouraged to air her opinions and her input.

A Christian wife is supposed to submit to her Christian husband, but at the same time, a Christian husband is supposed to love his wife as Christ loved the church; cherish, protect, and even be willing to lay down his life for her.
Being fickle and constantly changing one's mind about things that are major life-altering events for one's family, without prior consultation and discussion, without considering emotional damage that this causes, is not cherishing or protecting.

That worries me. My husband and I have been married now for 24 years, and he is my best friend in the world....and I am his best friend. Friends are not afraid to have discussions, or air their grievances.
Any time he has put his foot down (like when I wanted to take a young girl into our home who was having a hard time.....and later found out she was just trying to use me, and was playing on my soft heart), it was for the benefit of all of us; him, me, and our children.

I can't imagine him making a big life-changing decision like changing our church home or moving without first discussing it fully with me, and asking for my input...and genuinely concerned with my opinion. Much less making those decisions then wavering back and forth.

Does he understand how this is affecting you? If you don't discuss it with him, how will he know?
Maybe he thinks you're fine with everything he's doing.
He sounds like he loves you, and you said you love him. The rest are just details, that you can work on.
If he loves you, he'll want you to be happy. He may think you're simply unhappy because you've gained some weight. Men are oblivious in a lot of ways. (sorry men  ::lookaround::)

If you talk to him about this, remember to appeal to man-logic. Try to use as much logic as you can, and try to avoid emotional responses as much as possible. If he starts getting upset, smile and kiss him, and tell him you've got to do some laundry (or something like that), and you'll be back to finish the discussion later.
A kind word turns away wrath.
(And when you look into your man's eyes and smile and say you love him, it's like flicking a switch in his brain that diffuses irritation. It works! Really!)  (Again, sorry men  ::smile::)


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Re: Marriage help, new to reformed faith
« Reply #5 on: Sat Apr 30, 2016 - 14:57:45 »

Offline Pennie

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Re: Marriage help, new to reformed faith
« Reply #6 on: Sat Apr 30, 2016 - 15:45:52 »
Stacie, I just noticed in another thread you said you've been taking Prozac for a couple of years. One of the most common side-effects of Prozac is weight gain.
Next on the list is psychosis, depression, and suicidal thoughts.
I've never been a fan of Big Pharma drugs and all the harm they do, but I won't go into that any further.
I will say that I strongly suspect your weight gain and your depression are due to Prozac.
And I will strongly suggest that you see a natural doctor.
That may very well be the solution to a LOT.
Good luck to you, and I'm adding you to my prayer list.

Offline RB

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Re: Marriage help, new to reformed faith
« Reply #7 on: Sat Apr 30, 2016 - 16:11:24 »
Husband was feeling like we needed a change in churches.
Greetings Stacie~I have read over your post and trying to make sense of it, and to see if I can offer any help for your situation, and not sure if I can, but will try. Brother Tim wisely said:
Quote
Stacie, It is an almost impossible thing for one man to advise another man's wife. It is not our place because then we are intruding into his realm of authority.
So I will not say much against your husband, but will offer some advice, based upon almost fifty years of marriage.
Quote
Husband was feeling like we needed a change in churches. I am still not exactly sure why, but sometimes I think that happens.
Why did you not at least discuss as to why you were leaving? There seems to be a serious communication problem  here, that should never exist in a marriage. I'm not blaming either side, since I know very little, yet such things should never happen. My wife and I never do one thing without each knowing why this or that is being done, especially when it comes to such thing as worshiping God, which we do as a family, with the husband being the spiritual leader. Now, I have no problem with any man leading his family in God's worship, doing what he thinks is best for his family spiritual profit, and God pleasing. But to hear you say:
Quote
I am still not exactly sure why
Leaves me dumbfounding to a degree, yet believable. I blame both of you. You should had addressed him in meekness and with reverence and asked him for some answers as to why.
Quote
Due to some child-rearing circumstances, for about 15-18mos we did not go to church together regularly. I went one week, he went the next.
  Really? My children were in church services after two weeks on, all sitting on the same bench, with a small break forty five minutes break between two services, since we did not have "Sunday Schools".
Quote
So we started attending a presbyterian church. I loved it. For the first time in a long time I had enjoyed going to church. I don't know when, but before that I had lost that enjoyment of being at church and fellowship of other believers. We became members of the presby church after attending there for a year. I enjoyed it. Kids enjoyed it. I thought hubby enjoyed it as well. We were building friendships (which is something hard for me to do). Then in the summer of 2014, hubby was looking more and more into the different aspects of presbyterian denominations and the different sections (pcusa, opc). He wanted to check out an OPC church nearby. He went to an evening service and liked it and wanted to go back. I was a little taken back by this since we had just joined a presby church a couple months before. I liked where we were at and didn't understand the desire for change. Nonetheless, I went with what he wanted. I was clear about my feelings about leaving the church we became members at, but told him that I would abide. Going from a presby church to an opc, 'ever family member in the service' was quite hard for me. So noisy with all the kids in the service, including our four young kids. There aren't any women's ministries classes. No sunday school classes for the kids to be in. We became members of this opc church in July 2015. I honestly still feel burned from leaving the other church that I liked. I have tried liking our new church, but it has been hard. My husband seems to like the reformed faith more and more each day. Meanwhile, I feel further and further apart from God each day. I can tell that my husband is transforming. At first it felt good. His temper was getting better. He was becoming more patient with me and the kids and in turn I was becoming more patient. But the things he says and decisions he makes are increasingly not ones that I agree with. I get them on a certain level. I understand why he believes what he does, but I don't feel the same way. The singing for example. We are not a 'psalms only' church. We also have a hymns book we sing from. We have just a piano player. I understand the point of view of singing only psalms and counsel-approved hymns. I get it on perhaps a mental/intellectual level. But I don't like it. I dread the singing aspect of church. The songs are soooooo boring. Singing a song that feels uplifting is encouraging and helps me to be ready to hear God.
No comments, this is something that is between you and your husband to work out.
Quote
We are increasingly of different minds on things and I don't know how to reconcile that.
It's called "talking and communicating daily with each other apart from distractions and children".... each laboring for the best of each others happiness and well being.
Quote
I plan on taking with my husband about this
Good, open up your heart to him and ask him to help you to find peace and happiness and contentment....tell him of your trouble mind, and all that is causing you grief and pain.
Quote
On top of all this, he has been wanting to go to seminary.
That's the last place he needs to go.  He first must get his own household in order, before leading others. He has only one wife....just think having many more people dissatisfy, and having no communication with their leader to find solutions for problems that many have in their life almost daily!
Quote
I just want some consistency.
Tell him, do not delay.
Quote
Our intimate relationship is not going well either. I have gained 30-40lbs in the last 4yrs. I feel disgusting. Our times of intimacy per month is getting smaller and smaller. He is a runner and stays fit. He use to initiate our intimacy quite regularly. In the last yr or so, he doesn't initiate much at all anymore. I feel like it is because I have gained weight.
That's way too much over a lifetime, much less in four years. Do not blame him if your sex life has gone south...you can change that part, by losing weight. I have three daughters in their forties, and would tell them the same thing. My wife's weight is within two pounds of what it was forty years ago after having four children. Lose weight FOR HIM, and he should respond. But, I will say this, that weigh gaining would NEVER change my feelings toward my wife, never~YET, a body at 125 lbs, looks much better than 175, so work on changing that for him and yourself~you would feel much better about yourself if you did.
Quote
I was hoping to get some advice from women
  Dear soul, I trust that you will as well. There are some godly women here that could help. They could relate much better to you than I could, even with three grown daughters.
« Last Edit: Sat Apr 30, 2016 - 16:13:32 by RB »

Offline planetshaker

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Re: Marriage help, new to reformed faith
« Reply #8 on: Sun May 01, 2016 - 00:25:44 »
It sounds like your husband is on a quest looking for a church that has all the bells and whisles. There is no such church if any church is out there claiming to have a better bible, a better understanding, a better doctrine, a better whatever in the long run it will drain you. It sounds like your husband is looking for that majic pill. You shouldn't be burden down by going to a church i been in this situation before. You go to the church you like he goes to the church he likes. There's no rule book saying ya'll gotta go to the same church. Been there done that i didn't like my wife's church so i skip service. Going to that church was hell 4 hours long lots of yelling and foot stomping preaching. Not my style. i had to get my sanity back by trying to aviod going to that church. Go to the church you like. If he is offended then he is not acting supportive. He may have control issues idk. Talk it out with him for a comprimise. Good luck

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Re: Marriage help, new to reformed faith
« Reply #8 on: Sun May 01, 2016 - 00:25:44 »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Marriage help, new to reformed faith
« Reply #9 on: Sun May 01, 2016 - 06:25:02 »
Husband was feeling like we needed a change in churches.
Greetings Stacie~I have read over your post and trying to make sense of it, and to see if I can offer any help for your situation, and not sure if I can, but will try. Brother Tim wisely said:
Quote
Stacie, It is an almost impossible thing for one man to advise another man's wife. It is not our place because then we are intruding into his realm of authority.
So I will not say much against your husband, but will offer some advice, based upon almost fifty years of marriage.
Quote
Husband was feeling like we needed a change in churches. I am still not exactly sure why, but sometimes I think that happens.
Why did you not at least discuss as to why you were leaving? There seems to be a serious communication problem  here, that should never exist in a marriage. I'm not blaming either side, since I know very little, yet such things should never happen. My wife and I never do one thing without each knowing why this or that is being done, especially when it comes to such thing as worshiping God, which we do as a family, with the husband being the spiritual leader. Now, I have no problem with any man leading his family in God's worship, doing what he thinks is best for his family spiritual profit, and God pleasing. But to hear you say:
Quote
I am still not exactly sure why
Leaves me dumbfounding to a degree, yet believable. I blame both of you. You should had addressed him in meekness and with reverence and asked him for some answers as to why.
Quote
Due to some child-rearing circumstances, for about 15-18mos we did not go to church together regularly. I went one week, he went the next.
  Really? My children were in church services after two weeks on, all sitting on the same bench, with a small break forty five minutes break between two services, since we did not have "Sunday Schools".
Quote
So we started attending a presbyterian church. I loved it. For the first time in a long time I had enjoyed going to church. I don't know when, but before that I had lost that enjoyment of being at church and fellowship of other believers. We became members of the presby church after attending there for a year. I enjoyed it. Kids enjoyed it. I thought hubby enjoyed it as well. We were building friendships (which is something hard for me to do). Then in the summer of 2014, hubby was looking more and more into the different aspects of presbyterian denominations and the different sections (pcusa, opc). He wanted to check out an OPC church nearby. He went to an evening service and liked it and wanted to go back. I was a little taken back by this since we had just joined a presby church a couple months before. I liked where we were at and didn't understand the desire for change. Nonetheless, I went with what he wanted. I was clear about my feelings about leaving the church we became members at, but told him that I would abide. Going from a presby church to an opc, 'ever family member in the service' was quite hard for me. So noisy with all the kids in the service, including our four young kids. There aren't any women's ministries classes. No sunday school classes for the kids to be in. We became members of this opc church in July 2015. I honestly still feel burned from leaving the other church that I liked. I have tried liking our new church, but it has been hard. My husband seems to like the reformed faith more and more each day. Meanwhile, I feel further and further apart from God each day. I can tell that my husband is transforming. At first it felt good. His temper was getting better. He was becoming more patient with me and the kids and in turn I was becoming more patient. But the things he says and decisions he makes are increasingly not ones that I agree with. I get them on a certain level. I understand why he believes what he does, but I don't feel the same way. The singing for example. We are not a 'psalms only' church. We also have a hymns book we sing from. We have just a piano player. I understand the point of view of singing only psalms and counsel-approved hymns. I get it on perhaps a mental/intellectual level. But I don't like it. I dread the singing aspect of church. The songs are soooooo boring. Singing a song that feels uplifting is encouraging and helps me to be ready to hear God.
No comments, this is something that is between you and your husband to work out.
Quote
We are increasingly of different minds on things and I don't know how to reconcile that.
It's called "talking and communicating daily with each other apart from distractions and children".... each laboring for the best of each others happiness and well being.
Quote
I plan on taking with my husband about this
Good, open up your heart to him and ask him to help you to find peace and happiness and contentment....tell him of your trouble mind, and all that is causing you grief and pain.
Quote
On top of all this, he has been wanting to go to seminary.
That's the last place he needs to go.  He first must get his own household in order, before leading others. He has only one wife....just think having many more people dissatisfy, and having no communication with their leader to find solutions for problems that many have in their life almost daily!
Quote
I just want some consistency.
Tell him, do not delay.
Quote
Our intimate relationship is not going well either. I have gained 30-40lbs in the last 4yrs. I feel disgusting. Our times of intimacy per month is getting smaller and smaller. He is a runner and stays fit. He use to initiate our intimacy quite regularly. In the last yr or so, he doesn't initiate much at all anymore. I feel like it is because I have gained weight.
That's way too much over a lifetime, much less in four years. Do not blame him if your sex life has gone south...you can change that part, by losing weight. I have three daughters in their forties, and would tell them the same thing. My wife's weight is within two pounds of what it was forty years ago after having four children. Lose weight FOR HIM, and he should respond. But, I will say this, that weigh gaining would NEVER change my feelings toward my wife, never~YET, a body at 125 lbs, looks much better than 175, so work on changing that for him and yourself~you would feel much better about yourself if you did.
Quote
I was hoping to get some advice from women
  Dear soul, I trust that you will as well. There are some godly women here that could help. They could relate much better to you than I could, even with three grown daughters.

  Red I cant agree with you about the fact that she must loose weight or else. A majority of people gain  some weight as they age, your wife is one of the lucky ones who hasnt. We know very thin people who eat more than we do and exercise less, life isnt always fair  We were both very thin in our younger years, actually both underweight, and both weigh somewhat more now but we still love and find each other attractive. We eat healthily, exercise every day, but the metabolism slows down as we age and hence the weight gain.

 I am not surprised that she has gained weight recently with all the upheaval that has gone on and the unhappiness she has felt. Many women comfort eat when life isnt good. 

Offline chosenone

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Re: Marriage help, new to reformed faith
« Reply #10 on: Sun May 01, 2016 - 06:28:29 »
It seems that your husband cant settle anywhere, and may well end up jumping from church to church all his life. I think that you need to stay at the church you like with the children and let him jump about if that is what he must do. Its also very unsettling for the children to be pulled from one church to another. 

Offline Texas Conservative

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Re: Marriage help, new to reformed faith
« Reply #11 on: Sun May 01, 2016 - 06:48:55 »
It seems that your husband cant settle anywhere, and may well end up jumping from church to church all his life. I think that you need to stay at the church you like with the children and let him jump about if that is what he must do. Its also very unsettling for the children to be pulled from one church to another.

You are inviting marital strife.  Poor advice.

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Re: Marriage help, new to reformed faith
« Reply #12 on: Sun May 01, 2016 - 07:07:11 »
Red I cant agree with you about the fact that she must loose weight or else.
I did not say..."or else"...I just said that she could change that.
Quote
A majority of people gain  some weight as they age
Agreed. Yet most gain way too much. If you look at old TV programs, you would be amazed just how "thin" most looked even back into the fifties and sixties. We are living in the age of "fast food" and quick meal making, which generates into over weight people. Not only that, eating and drinking (soda's etc) are contributing to over weight people, EVEN AMONG OUR YOUTH! Even many young girls are way over weight. That was something that very seldom seen when I was coming up.
Quote
your wife is one of the lucky ones who hasnt.
I would not contribute it to "luck" but she works at it everyday, to stay away from soda's, sweets, and practices moderation in eating, only eating to satisfy her needs, not her desires. She loves Krispy Kreme doughnuts, but only eats them once in a while in moderation.
Quote
We know very thin people who eat more than we do and exercise less, life isnt always fair
I agree with you on this point. We all have different metabolism, which means that some must be extra careful in what they eat. Being way over weight is a bad testimony. Temperance is one of the fruits of the Spirit, which we must excise every day of our life in many area, eating being one of them.
Quote
I am not surprised that she has gained weight recently with all the upheaval that has gone on and the unhappiness she has felt. Many women comfort eat when life isnt go
I would also agree with this; yet that does not remove our responsibility in using temperance in all things~over eating, and not eating properly, only contributes to the problem.   
















 

Offline chosenone

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Re: Marriage help, new to reformed faith
« Reply #13 on: Sun May 01, 2016 - 11:44:22 »
It seems that your husband cant settle anywhere, and may well end up jumping from church to church all his life. I think that you need to stay at the church you like with the children and let him jump about if that is what he must do. Its also very unsettling for the children to be pulled from one church to another.

You are inviting marital strife.  Poor advice.

in your opinion.
 I know several couples who are happily married but who, for the sake of the children, attend different churches. The father usually wants to go elsewhere and the mother will stay with the children who love their present church and have friends there.
Some will never settle anywhere, and jumping about from church to church is very bad for the family. Sometimes the mum must put the spiritual needs of the children first.

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Re: Marriage help, new to reformed faith
« Reply #14 on: Sun May 01, 2016 - 11:52:02 »
Red I cant agree with you about the fact that she must loose weight or else.
I did not say..."or else"...I just said that she could change that.
Quote
A majority of people gain  some weight as they age
Agreed. Yet most gain way too much. If you look at old TV programs, you would be amazed just how "thin" most looked even back into the fifties and sixties. We are living in the age of "fast food" and quick meal making, which generates into over weight people. Not only that, eating and drinking (soda's etc) are contributing to over weight people, EVEN AMONG OUR YOUTH! Even many young girls are way over weight. That was something that very seldom seen when I was coming up.
Quote
your wife is one of the lucky ones who hasnt.
I would not contribute it to "luck" but she works at it everyday, to stay away from soda's, sweets, and practices moderation in eating, only eating to satisfy her needs, not her desires. She loves Krispy Kreme doughnuts, but only eats them once in a while in moderation.
Quote
We know very thin people who eat more than we do and exercise less, life isnt always fair
I agree with you on this point. We all have different metabolism, which means that some must be extra careful in what they eat. Being way over weight is a bad testimony. Temperance is one of the fruits of the Spirit, which we must excise every day of our life in many area, eating being one of them.
Quote
I am not surprised that she has gained weight recently with all the upheaval that has gone on and the unhappiness she has felt. Many women comfort eat when life isnt go
I would also agree with this; yet that does not remove our responsibility in using temperance in all things~over eating, and not eating properly, only contributes to the problem.   
















 


Red we dont eat sweets, chocolate, cakes, biscuits,fizzy drinks, potatoes, pastry, deserts, alcohol,  takeaways etc etc but still dont loose weight. We also exercise every day. Some people just remain thin no matter what. They are lucky.
 
Love and marriage are far more than looks. we all change as we age. I am fortunate enough to have no wrinkles at age 60, many of 40-50 have many wrinkles, some of it is due to keeping out of the sun, using sun cream, eating healthily, not drinking alcohol and not smoking, but much of is it my genes. I have 2 aunts, one aged 85 and one 91, and they have really good skin. In that way I am lucky, as your wife is with her weight. 

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Re: Marriage help, new to reformed faith
« Reply #15 on: Sun May 01, 2016 - 13:45:59 »
It seems that your husband cant settle anywhere, and may well end up jumping from church to church all his life. I think that you need to stay at the church you like with the children and let him jump about if that is what he must do. Its also very unsettling for the children to be pulled from one church to another.

You are inviting marital strife.  Poor advice.

in your opinion.
 I know several couples who are happily married but who, for the sake of the children, attend different churches. The father usually wants to go elsewhere and the mother will stay with the children who love their present church and have friends there.
Some will never settle anywhere, and jumping about from church to church is very bad for the family. Sometimes the mum must put the spiritual needs of the children first.

You are advising her to disregard her husband's wishes and disrespect him.

They need to communicate and be on the same page,  not follow your awful advice.

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Re: Marriage help, new to reformed faith
« Reply #16 on: Sun May 01, 2016 - 14:33:36 »
Red we dont eat sweets, chocolate, cakes, biscuits,fizzy drinks, potatoes, pastry, deserts, alcohol
These things are not off limits, just moderation must be practiced, and even more so as we age, as you said.  I love "salted" baked potatoes, with butter! Most of what you mentioned are off limits to me because of my age, and because of little excises other than using my fingers and mind in studying. I do walk about a mile per day, more or less~ But that's not like going across the desert like Jacob did at his age.

Offline chosenone

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Re: Marriage help, new to reformed faith
« Reply #17 on: Sun May 01, 2016 - 16:05:41 »
It seems that your husband cant settle anywhere, and may well end up jumping from church to church all his life. I think that you need to stay at the church you like with the children and let him jump about if that is what he must do. Its also very unsettling for the children to be pulled from one church to another.

You are inviting marital strife.  Poor advice.

in your opinion.
 I know several couples who are happily married but who, for the sake of the children, attend different churches. The father usually wants to go elsewhere and the mother will stay with the children who love their present church and have friends there.
Some will never settle anywhere, and jumping about from church to church is very bad for the family. Sometimes the mum must put the spiritual needs of the children first.

You are advising her to disregard her husband's wishes and disrespect him.

They need to communicate and be on the same page,  not follow your awful advice.
   

There is nothing wrong with people going to a different church, many couples do that especially if there are children to think of.  They are not on the same page, he is completely disregarding her and the children, very sad. 

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Re: Marriage help, new to reformed faith
« Reply #18 on: Sun May 01, 2016 - 16:08:07 »
Red we dont eat sweets, chocolate, cakes, biscuits,fizzy drinks, potatoes, pastry, deserts, alcohol
These things are not off limits, just moderation must be practiced, and even more so as we age, as you said.  I love "salted" baked potatoes, with butter! Most of what you mentioned are off limits to me because of my age, and because of little excises other than using my fingers and mind in studying. I do walk about a mile per day, more or less~ But that's not like going across the desert like Jacob did at his age.
   

They are off limits to us. We are pretty strict and still we remain the same weight, as I said it can just be luck sometimes.

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Re: Marriage help, new to reformed faith
« Reply #19 on: Sun May 01, 2016 - 16:39:11 »
It seems that your husband cant settle anywhere, and may well end up jumping from church to church all his life. I think that you need to stay at the church you like with the children and let him jump about if that is what he must do. Its also very unsettling for the children to be pulled from one church to another.

You are inviting marital strife.  Poor advice.

in your opinion.
 I know several couples who are happily married but who, for the sake of the children, attend different churches. The father usually wants to go elsewhere and the mother will stay with the children who love their present church and have friends there.
Some will never settle anywhere, and jumping about from church to church is very bad for the family. Sometimes the mum must put the spiritual needs of the children first.

You are advising her to disregard her husband's wishes and disrespect him.

They need to communicate and be on the same page,  not follow your awful advice.
   

There is nothing wrong with people going to a different church, many couples do that especially if there are children to think of.  They are not on the same page, he is completely disregarding her and the children, very sad.

And you are asking her to respond in kind.  Very sad advice.  Very sad.

Offline Stacie Cook

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Re: Marriage help, new to reformed faith
« Reply #20 on: Mon May 02, 2016 - 16:20:41 »
Sorry for this quick reply. We have had a busy weekend.
Thank you all for the input. I appreciate it.
We have had a talk about these issues I mentioned. I am not sure we arrived at anything specifically, but we talked about lots of things and my concerns were heard and taken into consideration. I also have listened to my husband's concerns and taken them into consideration. Thank you again.

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Re: Marriage help, new to reformed faith
« Reply #21 on: Tue May 03, 2016 - 03:19:48 »
We have had a talk about these issues I mentioned. I am not sure we arrived at anything specifically, but we talked about lots of things and my concerns were heard and taken into consideration. I also have listened to my husband's concerns and taken them into consideration.
Keep communicating daily~it's your life line of solving problems. Always laboring for the best interest of both parties~their's more than yours, will most of the time, have wonderful results. 
« Last Edit: Tue May 03, 2016 - 04:26:06 by RB »

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Re: Marriage help, new to reformed faith
« Reply #22 on: Tue May 03, 2016 - 03:48:38 »
Sorry for this quick reply. We have had a busy weekend.
Thank you all for the input. I appreciate it.
We have had a talk about these issues I mentioned. I am not sure we arrived at anything specifically, but we talked about lots of things and my concerns were heard and taken into consideration. I also have listened to my husband's concerns and taken them into consideration. Thank you again.
 

Thats very positive Stacie, keep talking.  ::smile::

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Re: Marriage help, new to reformed faith
« Reply #23 on: Tue May 03, 2016 - 03:49:23 »
It seems that your husband cant settle anywhere, and may well end up jumping from church to church all his life. I think that you need to stay at the church you like with the children and let him jump about if that is what he must do. Its also very unsettling for the children to be pulled from one church to another.

You are inviting marital strife.  Poor advice.

in your opinion.
 I know several couples who are happily married but who, for the sake of the children, attend different churches. The father usually wants to go elsewhere and the mother will stay with the children who love their present church and have friends there.
Some will never settle anywhere, and jumping about from church to church is very bad for the family. Sometimes the mum must put the spiritual needs of the children first.

You are advising her to disregard her husband's wishes and disrespect him.

They need to communicate and be on the same page,  not follow your awful advice.
   

There is nothing wrong with people going to a different church, many couples do that especially if there are children to think of.  They are not on the same page, he is completely disregarding her and the children, very sad.

And you are asking her to respond in kind.  Very sad advice.  Very sad.

In your opinion.  ::shrug::

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Re: Marriage help, new to reformed faith
« Reply #24 on: Tue May 03, 2016 - 05:23:29 »
It seems that your husband cant settle anywhere, and may well end up jumping from church to church all his life. I think that you need to stay at the church you like with the children and let him jump about if that is what he must do. Its also very unsettling for the children to be pulled from one church to another.

You are inviting marital strife.  Poor advice.

in your opinion.
 I know several couples who are happily married but who, for the sake of the children, attend different churches. The father usually wants to go elsewhere and the mother will stay with the children who love their present church and have friends there.
Some will never settle anywhere, and jumping about from church to church is very bad for the family. Sometimes the mum must put the spiritual needs of the children first.

You are advising her to disregard her husband's wishes and disrespect him.

They need to communicate and be on the same page,  not follow your awful advice.
   

There is nothing wrong with people going to a different church, many couples do that especially if there are children to think of.  They are not on the same page, he is completely disregarding her and the children, very sad.

And you are asking her to respond in kind.  Very sad advice.  Very sad.

In your opinion.  ::shrug::

No, truth is not an opinion.  You can disagree with truth, but it makes your opinion wrong.

Not the first time you have been blatantly in error on this board.

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Re: Marriage help, new to reformed faith
« Reply #25 on: Tue May 03, 2016 - 07:07:46 »
It seems that your husband cant settle anywhere, and may well end up jumping from church to church all his life. I think that you need to stay at the church you like with the children and let him jump about if that is what he must do. Its also very unsettling for the children to be pulled from one church to another.

You are inviting marital strife.  Poor advice.

in your opinion.
 I know several couples who are happily married but who, for the sake of the children, attend different churches. The father usually wants to go elsewhere and the mother will stay with the children who love their present church and have friends there.
Some will never settle anywhere, and jumping about from church to church is very bad for the family. Sometimes the mum must put the spiritual needs of the children first.

You are advising her to disregard her husband's wishes and disrespect him.

They need to communicate and be on the same page,  not follow your awful advice.
   

There is nothing wrong with people going to a different church, many couples do that especially if there are children to think of.  They are not on the same page, he is completely disregarding her and the children, very sad.

And you are asking her to respond in kind.  Very sad advice.  Very sad.

In your opinion.  ::shrug::

No, truth is not an opinion.  You can disagree with truth, but it makes your opinion wrong.

Not the first time you have been blatantly in error on this board.
 

Your truth may be different from mine, but it doesnt make me wrong. Its very arrogant to think that you are always right and those who disagree with you are always wrong. Mind you I should be used to that after 8 years here.  ::frown::

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Re: Marriage help, new to reformed faith
« Reply #26 on: Tue May 03, 2016 - 08:12:35 »
There is truth.  Not my truth or your truth.

The standard is set by God's Word.

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Re: Marriage help, new to reformed faith
« Reply #27 on: Tue May 03, 2016 - 13:08:18 »
Hi Stacie, and welcome to the forum. You said last that you're often afraid to talk to your husband out of fear of his judgement, disappointment, and anger. Does he give you reason to fear that type of reaction? Or is it a personal fear of yours that stems from insecurity/low confidence/depression?
I ask because the reason why you have those fears is very important.

Sometimes I think something is going to make my husband upset and I've totally misjudged things, and he's not mad at all.

Tim said something in his reply to you that rang a bell with me. "the burden of responsibility for us and our children was upon me".
In other words, the Christian husband should take his family's happiness into account when he makes decisions that affect them all. Of course there may be an exception now and then, when he must do what is right and what is best for the family in the long run even if his wife is not happy with it initially.....but this is AFTER prayerful consideration and a calm, sit-down discussion with his wife, where she is encouraged to air her opinions and her input.

A Christian wife is supposed to submit to her Christian husband, but at the same time, a Christian husband is supposed to love his wife as Christ loved the church; cherish, protect, and even be willing to lay down his life for her.
Being fickle and constantly changing one's mind about things that are major life-altering events for one's family, without prior consultation and discussion, without considering emotional damage that this causes, is not cherishing or protecting.

That worries me. My husband and I have been married now for 24 years, and he is my best friend in the world....and I am his best friend. Friends are not afraid to have discussions, or air their grievances.
Any time he has put his foot down (like when I wanted to take a young girl into our home who was having a hard time.....and later found out she was just trying to use me, and was playing on my soft heart), it was for the benefit of all of us; him, me, and our children.

I can't imagine him making a big life-changing decision like changing our church home or moving without first discussing it fully with me, and asking for my input...and genuinely concerned with my opinion. Much less making those decisions then wavering back and forth.

Does he understand how this is affecting you? If you don't discuss it with him, how will he know?
Maybe he thinks you're fine with everything he's doing.
He sounds like he loves you, and you said you love him. The rest are just details, that you can work on.
If he loves you, he'll want you to be happy. He may think you're simply unhappy because you've gained some weight. Men are oblivious in a lot of ways. (sorry men  ::lookaround::)



If you talk to him about this, remember to appeal to man-logic. Try to use as much logic as you can, and try to avoid emotional responses as much as possible. If he starts getting upset, smile and kiss him, and tell him you've got to do some laundry (or something like that), and you'll be back to finish the discussion later.
A kind word turns away wrath.
(And when you look into your man's eyes and smile and say you love him, it's like flicking a switch in his brain that diffuses irritation. It works! Really!)  (Again, sorry men  ::smile::)

It is both. In our first years of marriage I would share things with him and he would get angry and frustrated. Which left me afraid to even tell him things. This is partly due to my personality and how I deal with things (not rightly I know).
In the last couple years he has become more patient. I have learned to not make a big deal out of so many things that don't need to be big. And like you say, sometimes the way things play out in my head don't actually happen.

I realize that I am not putting my trust in God when I am not putting my trust in my husband. I need to remember the role God has given my husband and trust God.
As far as changing churches, my husband definitely sought my input. I told him my concerns, but also said that if that is what he thinks is best, then I was willing to follow his lead. I don't like changing churches, but part of it is that he was learning and exploring a new denomination (presbyterian). We went from non-denom to presby. As we were newly presbyterian, he continued learning more about doctrine of the presby faith and other 'sections' so to speak of presbyertian faith, which led him to the OPC. The OPC doesn't appeal to me in the same way it does my husband. Talking through this over the weekend has helped.

Thank you for the reminder to stick with logic. That has helped!

Offline Stacie Cook

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Re: Marriage help, new to reformed faith
« Reply #28 on: Tue May 03, 2016 - 13:19:50 »
It sounds like your husband is on a quest looking for a church that has all the bells and whisles. There is no such church if any church is out there claiming to have a better bible, a better understanding, a better doctrine, a better whatever in the long run it will drain you. It sounds like your husband is looking for that majic pill. You shouldn't be burden down by going to a church i been in this situation before. You go to the church you like he goes to the church he likes. There's no rule book saying ya'll gotta go to the same church. Been there done that i didn't like my wife's church so i skip service. Going to that church was hell 4 hours long lots of yelling and foot stomping preaching. Not my style. i had to get my sanity back by trying to aviod going to that church. Go to the church you like. If he is offended then he is not acting supportive. He may have control issues idk. Talk it out with him for a comprimise. Good luck
Thank you for the reply. I don't think it is so much of a 'better' church, but we are relatively new to presby faith (3yrs). I see it as a growth in faith. It's just that he is growing at a different rate than me. As he searched more and more into this faith, the OPC and the doctrine appealed to him. There were things he questioned about the presby church we were attending (the manner of the Lord's Supper to name one). While I didn't want to change churches, I abided by his decision since that is what I am suppose to do. I don't like feeling burdened by going to church, but I don't think that us attending different churches would help anything. I think that would make matters worse than they are. I can appreciate that some people are able to do that, but I don't think that is what we should do. The issue at hand is for us to figure out how to attend church together and for me to not feel burdened. Talking it over this weekend has helped.
« Last Edit: Tue May 03, 2016 - 13:22:19 by Stacie Cook »

Offline Stacie Cook

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Re: Marriage help, new to reformed faith
« Reply #29 on: Tue May 03, 2016 - 13:41:06 »
Just to address a couple other issues mentioned-
Regarding the weight issue, I know why I have gained weight. Partly due to a medical disorder I have, partly due to stress eating, partly due to meds that I have to take for my medical condition. He knows that. He encourages me when I try to lose weight. He has never said anything to me to make me feel like he doesn't like to be with me anymore. I think it is that we have let other things get in the way. I internalize that as meaning he doesn't like me anymore. After talking this weekend, we have renewed our commitment to each other.

As far as attending different churches, as I mentioned just in my previous post, I can appreciate that some couples are able to do that, but that would not work for us.
Especially because we do have children. Back before we changed churches he said that if I wanted to that I could keep attending the church I wanted, but he wanted the kids to go to the church he is attending. I think that would cause a whole lot more strife. I don't see that as a good example to set for my kids. It would send a message that I don't trust my husband well enough in deciding our church home. I am speaking for my family, not necessarily others. I trust his decision. I just don't enjoy it. The issue is that we are in different places spiritually. We used to be more in sync spiritually. He has grown in a different way that I haven't. Learning how to be together when we are in different places spiritually is what we have to work on (realizing this just this weekend as we talked).
Again, thank you for all the input.

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Re: Marriage help, new to reformed faith
« Reply #30 on: Tue May 03, 2016 - 15:32:07 »
Quote from: Stacie Cook
After talking this weekend, we have renewed our commitment to each other.
I'm so happy for you!!
I'm going to keep you on my prayer list and hope things continue to get better.
 ::cheerleader::

Offline chosenone

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Re: Marriage help, new to reformed faith
« Reply #31 on: Wed May 04, 2016 - 06:34:21 »
Just to address a couple other issues mentioned-
Regarding the weight issue, I know why I have gained weight. Partly due to a medical disorder I have, partly due to stress eating, partly due to meds that I have to take for my medical condition. He knows that. He encourages me when I try to lose weight. He has never said anything to me to make me feel like he doesn't like to be with me anymore. I think it is that we have let other things get in the way. I internalize that as meaning he doesn't like me anymore. After talking this weekend, we have renewed our commitment to each other.

As far as attending different churches, as I mentioned just in my previous post, I can appreciate that some couples are able to do that, but that would not work for us.
Especially because we do have children. Back before we changed churches he said that if I wanted to that I could keep attending the church I wanted, but he wanted the kids to go to the church he is attending. I think that would cause a whole lot more strife. I don't see that as a good example to set for my kids. It would send a message that I don't trust my husband well enough in deciding our church home. I am speaking for my family, not necessarily others. I trust his decision. I just don't enjoy it. The issue is that we are in different places spiritually. We used to be more in sync spiritually. He has grown in a different way that I haven't. Learning how to be together when we are in different places spiritually is what we have to work on (realizing this just this weekend as we talked).
Again, thank you for all the input.

Sounds very positive Stacie.  ::smile::

Offline Stacie Cook

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Re: Marriage help, new to reformed faith
« Reply #32 on: Sat Nov 26, 2016 - 21:24:51 »
Hi- I just wanted to make a quick stop in here to update this post.

By God's love, grace, mercy and providence, we did move. We moved 2 months ago. My husband is in seminary and all is going well. I was dead set against moving in the spring, but again, by God moving in my heart, my husband and I both agreed that moving was the best thing for us to do. Praise God!  ::smile::