Marriage Seminar - For Men Only - Part Two

[larry2]

Marriage Seminar - For Men Only

by Gene Hawkins

Part Two of Five

~ transcribed and edited from CD's by larry2 ~

Discovering the Mind of a Woman

Then the forth obstacle we see here is that men are supposed to be the boss. This is one of the major things that I've heard listening to some of these psychology talk shows and things like that. People call in and said I'm subject to my husband and the counselor says oh, one of those. But what they don't understand is what this business of submission is all about, because it is really a place of protection. It is not a place of defeat or oppression as we saw in the first lesson of this retreat. The man is a head, but that does not mean that he is a dictator. Sometimes men look upon their homes and we've heard it often; well, a man's house is his castle. Do you realize what (Proverbs 31:15,21,27) says? Four times in these verses it is called her household, and it so important that we realize that this really is her area of expertise.

But a man must take his place as the head of the house, but he's not a dictator over that; he's not one that just absolutely demands and commands in things such as this. He must take his responsibilities as head seriously, and we found out that God spelled it out so beautifully in (Ephesians 5:23-29) where we found five major things that a man does as head of his house, and it is not a demanding thing that he does. The five points of headship were: (23) he was to be savior or protector of the body, (25) he must love her, (26) he must sanctify her to himself, (29) He must nourish her, and (29) he must cherish her. I thought it was rather significant the five points of headship; five being the number of grace and grace is exactly the way a man must rule so to speak in his home is by grace; not by anger, not by oppression and demands.

(James 1:22-25) We also find that a man must lead by example. "But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves. (23)  For if any be a hearer of the word, and not a doer, he is like unto a man beholding his natural face in a glass: (24) For he beholdeth himself, and goeth his way, and straightway forgetteth what manner of man he was. (25)  But whoso looketh into the perfect law of liberty, and continueth therein, he being not a forgetful hearer, but a doer of the work, this man shall be blessed in his deed."  He needs to be a doer of the word in his own love, and that's the way that we become the leaders and heads that we need to be, and that is by example.

Some are worried so to speak about protecting their throne. Some think that's by demand or harshness, and you have to keep them afraid and all of this. It's not what (Proverbs 20:28) says. If one wants to think of himself as a king and his home as a throne and others as subjects around him which is not the right way, but anyway notice what it says. "Mercy and truth preserve the king: and his throne is upholden by mercy." That means grace in him preserves that throne rather than a demanding exacting spirit. It is not by vicious and absolute demands that he maintains it.

I want to notice a little secret here and that is that a godly wife does not want to rule. A godly wife wants her husband to realize however that he is not the final authority in her life, but that he must look to God for direction and guidance. She wants him to realize as we have seen before in our first lesson that sometimes or perhaps many times that guidance can come through her input. The man who does not consider the input that his wife has is in trouble, because God can and does lead him through this woman. She is a help meet, not just a servant, but she is one that is to be literally used and consulted in finding out what the will of God is. Consider

Abraham and Sarah and realize that it was Sarah  who was in harmony with God about a very emotional decision concerning Ishmael shown as the will of God in (Galatians 4:30) "Nevertheless what saith the scripture? Cast out the bondwoman (Hagar) and her son: for the son of the bondwoman shall not be heir with the son of the freewoman." We also saw Pilot's wife, and we have seen Hannah and what a very interesting help meet she was. We must dwell with these ladies, these godly virtuous women with knowledge that our prayers be not hindered (1 Peter 3:7). Remember men that she is to be a prayer warrior with us, not for us. She entered this thing with us and is indeed a partner. So women are not inferior to men and not to be simply a subject or a slave to men as some seem to indicate, but she is indeed here as a minister to us in order that we be able to get the right leadership both for her and for ourselves.

The next segment we wast to see here is "Men, Women, Love to Love." This means that there is a certain type of man that a woman just absolutely loves to love. You'll remember (Ephesians 5:27) "That he might present it to himself a glorious church." Husbands must present themselves as one who a wife loves to love. We must woo them into this place where that they do love us. We gain their love; not demand it and there are a number of different characteristics we see here in the men that women love to love.

Number one - The first one is that he can walk in and out of the house causing damage. Now we see that beautiful expression there in the Song of Solomon noted in a previous lesson, (Song. 2:3) "And she sat down under his shadow with great delight." What a wonderful atmosphere this husband has presented. As we saw, casting a shadow means that he's the one that takes the heat, but notice that he makes it a comfort zone for her.

She is not on edge or one that is always here just on pins and needles wondering what is going to happen. You notice that he can walk in and out of the house without causing damage. He can walk out without leaving her in a void or feeling that there is loose ends, or that there is anger or just something that's not finished. She can be very comfortable when he walks away; comfortable and confident knowing that when he is away from her everything's going to be alright. Then when he comes back, she can look forward to him being there. He can walk in and bring an attitude and atmosphere of quietness, goodness, peace, and tranquility; this is what she is looking for and  "She sat down under his shadow with great delight."

I have five questions that I want to give that every man is to ask himself. These are where we must be honest with ourselves and consider these things.

# 1  - Are you brave enough to ask your wife if you ever have a negative effect on your home? That requires a very strong man to ask his wife, and to ask it in such an attitude that she will be honest with him. Some women we're going to find out a little bit later on, that whenever they've been offended, broken, or hurt; no, they won't be honest with you. But are you brave enough to ask you wife if you ever have a negative effect on your home? You ask it in such a manner that she will be honest.

# 2 - Are you willing to listen to her reasons for saying yes to number one. In other words, she says yes, there are these times you do have a negative effect on your home. Are you willing to her reasons for telling you that without becoming defensive and reactive?
# 3  - Are you willing to do something about it? Are you willing to correct the situation?

# 4 - Do you make your wife your priority when you come home, or is the conversation all about you and your hellish day?

# 5 - Do you really make her feel that she is more important than you are? (Philippians 2:3) says it this way.  "Let each esteem other better than themselves." And so, this is what a woman wants.

Number two - He will open his heart to her. Now what does it mean for a man to open his heart to a woman? Sometimes men say I think about her all day but you see, that's letting her into your mind, not simply into your heart and there is a difference. A woman desperately needs to know how we need them, and how they can meet that need. Can they help without our criticism? A lack of interest in what she is wanting, and needing is not letting her in.

I spoke of a woman being in a man's mind. I knew a young man several years ago that had gotten married and went off to the army, and he wrote me a letter one time. He had been taking classes in different things they were training him for, and he said he was having an awful time because he was sitting there in the class and thinking about his wife, and all of a sudden the tears just began rolling down his face because of the memory of her. Now you see, that is letting her into his heart, because there is the emotion that we are talking about; he was opening up his emotions to her, and this is what we must do in letting a woman into our hearts. They need to know that they are a practical and emotional part of our lives.

Failing to share our deepest secrets and desires is not letting her in. Men, it is imperative at all costs that we be honest with them in things pertaining to the heart deep down inside us; not just the intellectual or reasoning part of us, but she needs to be able to share those secrets and enter into them, and again without criticism. There must be an interest in what she is wanting in her life; we have to be sensitive. You see, when we open up our emotions to her, we will be sensitive to what she is feeling. We will see more about that later on in this lesson too, because we learn to be sensitive to what she feels; not just listening to what she says. So lack of interest in what she wants and needs is not letting her in.

Another thing that is so important is accepting her idea enthusiastically for a problem lets her know that you don't have all the answers. A woman is not looking for a man that is never wrong. She is looking for one who will be sensitive to her and appreciate her and her feelings; one who will value her that she has something valuable also to offer. So when we can accept her ideas enthusiastically and incorporate those things, we have just let her into our hearts.

This brings us to a little comment concerning perfectionism. I did not know how much of a problem this was until a few years ago when I talked to a man that had been such a perfectionist in his home that his wife was afraid to make the least mistake or misstep. His children was absolutely terrified of him because if they did anything at all and showed it to him, told him, or he saw it then the first thing he did because of his perfectionism was to criticize the one thing that was wrong rather than acknowledging or even commending and praising them for that which was right. So perfectionism is a terrible thing to bear and some people are that way and we must learn to temper that. That doesn't mean that we just let anything goes and turn out the most sloppy job that there is; we don't do that, but our attitude toward it is so vitally imperative and may have to let go a little bit of our perfectionism in order to accept what she has, and her idea may work just as well in the end as our own. When we are willing to do that and accept her ideas, and that we really do not have all of the answers, we are not that self righteous dictator that cannot be appealed to, then we have just let her into our hearts.

Number three - The third thing goes somewhat along with this, because this one tells us that he is sensitive to her and other people. Men often can't get in touch with their wife's emotions because they cannot get in touch with their own. That stems in part I think from the way that many were raised. Some men were raised with the idea that a man never cries; that it is weakness for a man to cry and so he shuts off his emotions. Sometimes he literally don't want to feel anything because of the hurt that it brings, and so sometimes men just don't get in touch with their wife's emotions because they can't get in touch with their own; they literally do not know how to relate.

It's a fact that sometimes men can see what other men are doing to their wives, but they have a blind spot as to what is going on in their own. They can see with their eyes, but in order to really touch our wife we must feel that. There was a man who looked at his pastor's wife who was pregnant, and he just looked on the way that pastor treated her and thought it was just absolutely horrible that he wasn't sensitive to this woman, but at the very same time he did not see that he was hurting his wife so badly because he did not finish the nursery. she wanted finished before the baby came. He was very much aware of what was happening in the life of the pastor's wife, but he couldn't see at all what was happening in his own wife. So we must be so very sensitive to the things and the feelings that our wives have and what is important to her.
 
Number four - A woman loves to love; a man that is that is thoughtful enough to remember the important things to her. You see, that means you're going to have to make a special effort to be observant to know what fragrances she likes, what things she desires, and it really helps if you're creative and imaginative in giving those things to her. Now what this does for her is to let her know this wasn't done as an afterthought. It means that you really put some time in this and really had her in mind when you began to do it, and that is something that appeals so much to her. Gene Hawkins is Pastor of, and head of "Gospel Fellowship and Grace and Glory Bible College."

In Jesus' name - larry