Married one week...help me!

[positiveone]

Dear brothers and sisters in Christ,
My heart is very heavy.  Here is my story.
I have been divorced 6 years.  I have dated off and on, and had begun to feel like I wanted someone permanent in my life.  I remet an old high school friend on a social website (not a dating site).  He lives 4 hours away from me, and we began to see each other.  Fast forward to now.  We are recently married.
HERE is my quandry:
I knew all along that he had been married 3 previous times.  His 1st wife had an affair, 2nd wife left him, 3rd wife was an alcoholic and they agreed to get divorced.  I kept this information secret from my family, and my minister, who counseled with us.  We both agreed that this was between us and God,and that no one else needed to know.
Now that we are married, I'm feeling very anxious about my decision. I am worried that it was hasty, and that I did not properly seek counsel from my family, minister, and elders.  Also, am I really married?  I went back and read and reread Jesus' teaching on marriage and divorce.  I am very confused.
On top of all of that, it has been extremely hard on me to leave my friends, family and church....it is hard to be in a brand new area.
Sooooooooooo.....I need advice.  I do love my husband, but am wondering about my situation.  I need someone to talk to on this message board.
Help!

[JohnDB]

Ain't nothing like doing it the hard way...


I ain't laughing at you...but you did do things this time around the most difficult way to do them. Moving to a new area away from your friends and family network that you had in place to a new area with nothing but a husband and no friends or good, wise council to discuss the day to day stuff with.

You have a job and a role now to do....go make some friends in your new area. Do not let yourself be isolated or become isolated. You can call your old friends a lot. Use facebook if you need to. Keep track and up with everyone. It is going to be harder now but do it anyway. Both of you are coming into this marriage with some baggage and it is going to be difficult to work past it all. (you never really will get past it but will find ways around it)

Yes you are married...There were practices in the days of the bible which seem barbaric by todays standards that Jesus spoke to. Then because of a large number of people won't buy bibles that aren't politically correct by their theological standards the most obscure translation was taken when translating those passages. But when you look at the manners and customs (a real anthropological study) of the times...the real Greek that was translated from the aramaic speaking...then the truth of What Jesus comes out so very very clear.

You are married. Don't leave your husband. Be a great wife. Things are going to be difficult...but in the end you likely will be a great team together. It is always much easier to be single than married...but don't do it.

[yesult]

If you've signed the papers and slept together, you're definitely married. Being in a new area without your old contacts, as the above poster said, sounds like a difficult situation.

However the bible also tells us that the only allowable reason for divorce is sexual sin (porniea). Otherwise the couple is committing adultery. "Agreeing' to divorce over alcoholism isn't under that clause. Neither is his second wife leaving him. If both ladies were unfaithful or have had other partners before he remarried, then from my understanding of that scripture, you'd be in the clear. But if they haven't.......

The bible does say explicitly that a marriage outside of those circumstances is adulterous.

I think you really need to seek God in this matter and see what he says. Our God is faithful to forgive all sins, but he also makes rules for a reason. The last thing you want to be doing is committing adultery in his eyes. However you also don't want to be leaving your husband wrongly. The bible tells us that 'if we seek, we shall find'. Let God have the final word in this situation.

Hope that helps.    *praying for you

[chosenone]

It does seem rather risky to marry a  guy who has already been married and divorced three times.There is a pattern there. Its either something in him that is wrong, or he is just useless at choosing wifes.!!I also think it was rather unhelpful to lie to your family and church about his previous marriages. Was that his Idea?What did you tell them, that he had been married once?


However I believe that you are now properly married for better or worse. If he has repented for his previous life, then I believe that he is forgiven. 4th marriages are not very likely to last according to figures, but if you both have God at the centre of the marriage then anything is possible. Get to know new people, find a new church and be the best wife you can be.Go to marriage seminars, marriage enrichment courses and do whatever you can to make sure that his pattern of marriage failures stops here.

I am also divorced, as is my husband. My husbands ex wife met a three times married and divorced man also and wanted to marry him.
He also wasnt a christian. He never asked her to marry him, and it was good as I think it may well have been disastrous, but the difference is that your husband is a christian( I assume he is anyway)and that makes a lot of difference.
I really hope it works out for you.

[JohnDB]

If you've signed the papers and slept togther, you're definatly married. Being in a new area without your old contacts, as the above poster said, sounds like a difficult situation.

However the bible also tells us that the only allowable reason for divorce is sexual sin (porniea). Otherwise the couple is commiting adultary. "Agreeing' to divorce over alcholism isn't under that clause. Neither is his second wife leaving him. If both ladies were unfaithful or have had other partners before he re-married, then from my understanding of that scripture, you'd be in the clear. But if they haven't.......

The bible does say explicitly that a marriage outside of those circumstances is adulterous.

I think you really need to seek God in this matter and see what he says. Our God is faithful to forgive all sins, but he also makes rules for a reason. The last thing you want to be doing is commiting adultery in his eyes. However you also don't want to be leaving your husband wrongly. The bible tells us that 'if we seek, we shall find'. Let God have the final word in this situation.

Hope that helps.    *praying for you

God does allow for divorce for reasons of abuse. Divorce is not a "partially forgiven" sin...it is forgiven completely just like any other sin and removed from us as far as the east is from the west.
In biblical times those caught in the lifestyle of adultery were stoned and killed...not needing a divorce then. Your premise is conflicting and confusing...and wrong. People getting divorced were encouraged to get remarried by the sifre (interpretation of the Law).  The story of the Woman at the Well is a prime example that God not only forgives sin but that He can and will use those rejected by teachings as you have just condemned a sister in Christ with.

[yesult]

God does allow for divorce for reasons of abuse.

Can you prove that from the bible? (That's actually a retorical question because I'm well aware that you can't, I've looked into it.) Living with the person or not is entirely your choice at any time, but the only clause given in the new testament for divorce and remarriage from the lips of Jesus himself was sexual sin.

Divorce is not a "partially forgiven" sin...it is forgiven completely just like any other sin and removed from us as far as the east is from the west.

Jesus said what he said about divorce and adulterous marriages for a reason and you either accept it or you ignore it.

In biblical times those caught in the lifestyle of adultery were stoned and killed...not needing a divorce then.

Under Gods laws, yes. The pharisees however were twisting them to suit themselves. Thats why the woman was brought forward for stoning to Jesus to test him but the man in the situation was ignored. I'm not saying adultery can't be forgiven. But neither can scripture be ignored for convenience.

Your premise is conflicting and confusing...and wrong. People getting divorced were encouraged to get remarried by the sifre (interpretation of the Law).

Actually I'm basing that premise entirely on scripture. I've never heard of the 'sifre' before, and I can't say I'm interested in anyones personal interpretation of the law or the bible that negates it. Either you take the bible as Gods word or you don't.

 The story of the Woman at the Well is a prime example that God not only forgives sin but that He can and will use those rejected by teachings as you have just condemned a sister in Christ with.

I did not say that God does not forgive sin, and I have not condemned anyone, as you are well aware. I have merely pointed out the SCRIPTURE on the matter - which you are deliberatly choosing to ignore and advising her to seek God about the matter.

Please stop twisting what I've said and trying to accuse me of things I haven't done. God wrote the bible, if you don't like something he's put in it - take it up with him.

[JohnDB]

God does allow for divorce for reasons of abuse.

Can you prove that from the bible? (That's actually a retorical question because I'm well aware that you can't, I've looked into it.) Living with the person or not is entirely your choice at any time, but the only clause given in the new testament for divorce and remarriage from the lips of Jesus himself was sexual sin.

Divorce is not a "partially forgiven" sin...it is forgiven completely just like any other sin and removed from us as far as the east is from the west.

Jesus said what he said about divorce and adulterous marriages for a reason and you either accept it or you ignore it.

In biblical times those caught in the lifestyle of adultery were stoned and killed...not needing a divorce then.

Under Gods laws, yes. The pharisees however were twisting them to suit themselves. Thats why the woman was brought forward for stoning to Jesus to test him but the man in the situation was ignored. I'm not saying adultery can't be forgiven. But neither can scripture be ignored for convenience.

Your premise is conflicting and confusing...and wrong. People getting divorced were encouraged to get remarried by the sifre (interpretation of the Law).

Actually I'm basing that premise entirely on scripture. I've never heard of the 'sifre' before, and I can't say I'm interested in anyones personal interpretation of the law or the bible that negates it. Either you take the bible as Gods word or you don't.

 The story of the Woman at the Well is a prime example that God not only forgives sin but that He can and will use those rejected by teachings as you have just condemned a sister in Christ with.

I did not say that God does not forgive sin, and I have not condemned anyone, as you are well aware. I have merely pointed out the SCRIPTURE on the matter - which you are deliberatly choosing to ignore and advising her to seek God about the matter.

Please stop twisting what I've said and trying to accuse me of things I haven't done. God wrote the bible, if you don't like something he's put in it - take it up with him.

You are insinuating that she is now living in an adulterous affair even with the marriage certificate by God's standards...that is abuse and condemnation and everything that God stands against.

The manners and customs are very relevant and obviously you have never looked at the practices, manners, and customs or the two Rabbis that were having a wide variation in explaining the Law to with which the Pharisees were asking Jesus about to see which side He was going to be on. Jesus, in his classic fashion, sided with neither of the two rabbis.

Your protestations of innocence and being non-accusatory are paper thin and nothing more than whitewash. 

If you don't have the wherewithall to understand how your premises are conflicting and confusing then don't have a battle of wits unarmed.

Jesus' words about divorce were very harsh, very pointed and completely slamming of the Pharisees who asked him.

If you wish to have a battle of wits about this theology I reccomend taking it to theo. Not here where advice is to be offered...not theology battles.

[yesult]

You are insinuating that she is now living in an adulterous affair even with the marriage certificate by God's standards...that is abuse and condemnation and everything that God stands against.

I am quoting scripture and advising her to pray about it. You are deliberatly ignoring that passage of scripture because you don't want to admit that it's there.

The manners and customs are very relevant and obviously you have never looked at the practices, manners, and customs or the two Rabbis that were having a wide variation in explaining the Law to with which the Pharisees were asking Jesus about to see which side He was going to be on. Jesus, in his classic fashion, sided with neither of the two rabbis.

Jesus made a simple statement and you are IGNORING IT because you chose to. Jesus' statements have nothing to do with a rabbi's personal opinion. He is giving the the only grounds that God accepts for divorce mentioned in the new testament.

Your protestations of innocence and being non-accusatory are paper thin and nothing more than whitewash.

And your pretenses of having an argument in this issue are exactly that. Whitewash.  

If you don't have the wherewithall to understand how your premises are conflicting and confusing then don't have a battle of wits unarmed.

Trying to confuse and smokescreen because you want to ignore scripture is a fairly common tactic for those who wish to ignore it. Something you are now giving a perfect example of.

Jesus' words about divorce were very harsh, very pointed and completely slamming of the Pharisees who asked him.

Actually the words in question were very easy to understand because they were a simple statement. Since you're having so much difficulty with them, let me quote them for you:
Matt 8:22 But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the grounds of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery. And whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

If you wish to have a battle of wits about this theology I reccomend taking it to theo. Not here where advice is to be offered...not theology battles.

Wits have nothing to do with it. I've given scriptural evidence to support a post and you are taking offense at that scripture. As I said, if you don't like it - take it up with God. He wrote it.

I'm finding your personal attacks and accusations justifably offensive.

[Mac]

yesult,

While I agree with some of what you are saying, I really think that the truth of it all is being neglected...

When Jesus was crucified, His suffering and death we as for ALL sins. Mine, yours and any other who professes Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior.. Past, present and the sins to come are forgiven. We have to accept this gift. It is offered freely. But we must accept it. Repentance is required. Repent of a sin and leave it behind. God forgives us of our sins.. And forgets them... "as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us" (Psalm 103:12).


When you lay it all down, as you did above, it is almost as if you are saying that Christs' death on that cross doesn't cover the sin of divorce... I just think that is wrong. His death covered all sins once and for all.
Romans 8:1-2
1Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,[a] 2because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.

Now, does that mean that we can knowingly sin with the comfort of knowing we are forgiven? No, it doesn't.

Bottom line... Do you believe that Jesus' death on the cross is not enough to cover divorce or remarriage? What if a person who has been married 50 times comes to know Christ as their personal Lord and Savior? Along with their spouse who has been married 50 times? They both had affairs.. Hundreds of times over... What happens? Do the angels of heaven rejoice at their salvation or weep because they are not "qualified" to receive the gift of salvation because they are remarried?

Sounds dumb.. Doesn't it?

[OldDad]

yesult and JohnDB - both of you knock it off.  Take your discussion private or start a new thread - minus the rancor and snide put-downs, I might add - and stop hijacking this one.

[yesult]

Now, does that mean that we can knowingly sin with the comfort of knowing we are forgiven? No, it doesn't.

Bottom line... Do you believe that Jesus' death on the cross is not enough to cover divorce or remarriage? What if a person who has been married 50 times comes to know Christ as their personal Lord and Savior? Along with their spouse who has been married 50 times? They both had affairs.. Hundreds of times over... What happens? Do the angels of heaven rejoice at their salvation or weep because they are not "qualified" to receive the gift of salvation because they are remarried?

Thank you for being polite in your questions. Do I believe that divorce can be forgiven? I've already stated that I do. You're assuming I'm saying something that I'm not. However at least you're being polite about it.

[yesult]

And old dad if I've been snide in anywhere in my posts then please point it out. I was merely defending a stance scripturally.

[leeford]

You're married for sure. The Bible acknowledges that even though divorce is sin and displeasing to God that once you marry someone, you are indeed married. In fact, the Bible says that if someone gets a divorce and then remarries and THEN decides to go back to the original spouse that it is "despicable" or as the word may also be defined, "an abomination."

Deuteronomy 24:1 If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, 2 and if after she leaves his house she becomes the wife of another man, 3 and her second husband dislikes her and writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, or if he dies, 4 then her first husband, who divorced her, is not allowed to marry her again after she has been defiled. That would be detestable in the eyes of the LORD.

[OldDad]

I was merely defending a stance scripturally.

along with personal jabs about disregarding Scripture and disagreeing with God, which is apparently the same as disagreeing with you.

[yesult]

I was merely defending a stance scripturally.

along with personal jabs about disregarding Scripture and disagreeing with God, which is apparently the same as disagreeing with you.

When someone is disagreeing with scripture and taking it out on you by personal attacks, is a person wrong to defend themselves? No. And I did it fairly.

I asked you to quote any snide comments I made. If you are going to accuse me in this thread then please give evidence.