Author Topic: Married...or not-now he says we aren't?  (Read 788 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline marriedornot

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 1
  • Manna: 0
  • (T)ogether (E)veryone (A)chieves (M)ore
Married...or not-now he says we aren't?
« on: Thu Oct 29, 2015 - 09:02:22 »
I moved in with my now fiance' last November....and we have had our ups and downs...he is very controlling. When we first moved in together - he said he wanted to handle all the finances. It was a huge fight. I gave in ...because there was no winning this fight. He makes the most money -- I was changing jobs...he said that he would support me through the job transition and the move. (Across country).

We have had several fights over money. I immediately got a job and he wanted the direct deposit to go into his account, so he could pay bills. I balked and he said that I must be hiding something,if I can't be transparent enough to give him this access. So, I obliged...again. Then...he began nickel and diming me. One day he'd say we were great financially and really paying off debt (his for my engagement ring) and things were great.  Well, my new job offered health insurance within 90 days, but he said his was better.

So, he contacted his employer who told him that we would have to be married or have an informal marriage license. He filed that with me last month.

In our state of Oklahoma - that's considered married. "Common Law Marriage". You have to get a divorce to get out of it.
He kept saying he would do this -- until we had the money for a real wedding. I told him I wanted to be able to tell everyone I was married. My family etc...all think I'm crazy moving across the country with him and no marriage...living in sin. He asked that we have a formal ceremony, before we tell people.

So, I asked for this fall 2015. It obviously came and went...so last month...I suggested a very small - family only -- New Year's Wedding.
He said it was too expensive and came up with other reasons not to do it...so I let it go.

Then, 2 weeks ago I brought it up again. He said we were doing better financially and I sought out some places and quotes. He started the day by saying "whatever you want babe...I want to make you happy."  He was great about it. So, I began getting more info....started getting excited.  Later that day....the fight began. He told me that we can't afford this wedding...and that I should have enough common sense to know this. 

I said you handle the finances (I don't even get to see what's happening with them) and you said we could do this...and now I'm supposed to know we can't afford?  He said that I'm playing games and trying to manipulate him and he wants to know why I need to make this public so quickly. I told him why...(as above). He said he didn't believe it and he thinks I'm trying to frame him financially etc.

I told him that's absolutely not the case. It was a huge fight and he told me that I was a "coward" I didn't have "common sense" I live in the "clouds" ....I'm not responsible ...you name it. He said it all.

He said that I was acting suspicious with all of my demands and he was very uncomfortable. He was screaming and yelling. Then, he began threatening to give our dog (who favors me) away...becuase he also causes problems.

THEN my current employer changed payroll systems and my check was delayed. My fiancĂ©/husnand began yelling at me saying that he thought I was hiding money from him and playing games. I showed him the emails from my HR system and he accused me of forging them. When the hard check came instead of a direct deposit -- he freaked out about that and said again -- I'm hiding something and up to "no good".  I told him the reason was because they had to re-verfiy the bank.  Well, the hard check came and I went and cashed it at the orginating bank and deposited it into his account (cash).

this morning he freaked out when he saw it was a cash deposit into his account. He thinks I was holding onto cash and not wanting to show him my paystub. (I did not have the pay stub yet!)

He threatened to end our relationship because he says he can't trust me and that God as his witness charma will bite me hard because I am hiding money from him. 

He left for work and apologized but told me all the stress of trying to monitor my every move -- is getting to him and he thinks it's "killing him" since he has high blood pressure -- he is worried that I'm going to give him a stroke.

I love this man - but what do I do here? 

Christian Forums and Message Board

Married...or not-now he says we aren't?
« on: Thu Oct 29, 2015 - 09:02:22 »

Offline epiphanius

  • Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 247
  • Manna: 11
  • Gender: Male
Re: Married...or not-now he says we aren't?
« Reply #1 on: Thu Oct 29, 2015 - 11:08:28 »
married (or not),


Let me ask you a question: you say you love this man, but in 14 paragraphs, you say *nothing* that shows any real affection/admiration for him, *nor* any reason why you should stay with him (other than your stating, "I love this man").

Try re-reading your post as if you were a third party--it may help you to see things in perspective.

Moreover, as a Christian, I'm sure you're aware that "living in sin" is not a good choice, anyway.  Please pray about this.  Most women who accept this kind of "live-in" arrangement (and note well: it is nearly ALWAYS the man who dictates this arrangement, despite all the feminist rhetoric calling it a "liberated" choice for a woman) do so because they have doubts about their own self-worth, and feel that having a man will somehow "validate" them.  On the other hand, living in Christ, getting to know Him and striving to do things His way makes us feel both loved and self-assured (whether we're men or women, married or not).  Paradoxically, this makes us both more independent, *and* more attractive to the kind of person you really want to marry!

Offline chosenone

  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Posts: 30908
  • Manna: 538
  • Gender: Female
Re: Married...or not-now he says we aren't?
« Reply #2 on: Thu Oct 29, 2015 - 12:20:27 »
How many times do we have to tell you to leave this man??? You have been given warning after warning after warning here, in the 5 or 6 different names you have come here with for the same problems.
You have ignored all of the warnings and all of the red flags. You are still there, why? You are also disobeying God and you are walking into a disastrous and unhappy marriage.
This man is ultra controlling, abusive, very manipulative, angry, inconsistent, immature and extremely Jealous.

Do you want to go Gods way or your own? Are you going to listen to Him or not? Are you going to stay in this awful abusive marriage or take this last chance at freedom? 

Christian Forums and Message Board

Re: Married...or not-now he says we aren't?
« Reply #2 on: Thu Oct 29, 2015 - 12:20:27 »

Offline MeMyself

  • Lee's Inner Circle Member
  • *******
  • Posts: 15980
  • Manna: 382
  • Gender: Female
Re: Married...or not-now he says we aren't?
« Reply #3 on: Thu Oct 29, 2015 - 12:35:58 »
How many times do we have to tell you to leave this man??? You have been given warning after warning after warning here, in the 5 or 6 different names you have come here with for the same problems.
You have ignored all of the warnings and all of the red flags. You are still there, why? You are also disobeying God and you are walking into a disastrous and unhappy marriage.
This man is ultra controlling, abusive, very manipulative, angry, inconsistent, immature and extremely Jealous.

Do you want to go Gods way or your own? Are you going to listen to Him or not? Are you going to stay in this awful abusive marriage or take this last chance at freedom?

I agree...its the same poster, different name...

sad that she will.not.listen and then is surprised that what we tried to warn her about came to pass..

what is the definition of insanity?  Do the same things over and over again, expecting different results.  ::shrug::

Christian Forums and Message Board

Re: Married...or not-now he says we aren't?
« Reply #3 on: Thu Oct 29, 2015 - 12:35:58 »

Offline Texas Conservative

  • Certified Resident Board Genius....The MAN, the MYTH, the LEGEND!
  • Legendary Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 9937
  • Manna: 372
  • My church is 100% right, Your church is 100% wrong
Re: Married...or not-now he says we aren't?
« Reply #4 on: Thu Oct 29, 2015 - 12:42:11 »
If you have to get a divorce so you aren't considered married, you are married.

Christian Forums and Message Board

Re: Married...or not-now he says we aren't?
« Reply #4 on: Thu Oct 29, 2015 - 12:42:11 »



Offline p.progress

  • Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 227
  • Manna: 15
Re: Married...or not-now he says we aren't?
« Reply #5 on: Mon Nov 02, 2015 - 23:36:44 »
Quote
"I moved in with my now fiance' last November...."

Everything you say beyond this intro, in order to 'explain' and complain about your situation is merely the consequences in the aftermath of your ungodly choice to, as you say, "move in" with this man - which how it is that you have so blatantly chosen to do so, IN DIRECT VIOLATION and DISOBEDIENCE to the teaching of scripture, the Lord himself and the prophets and apostles, boggles the mind.

If you do not sober up, repent of this sin, and that means separating as well from this man; then you should be brought before the saints of God (before a body of sincere and knowledgeable believers) and undergo discipline for your sins - fornication, being one of them.

And if what you describe of this man is factual: not only should you separate from him (i.e. physically - stop committing fornication with him; and logistically - move out right now without delay). You ought to seek out and undergo some sort of mental, psychological, emotional and philosophical evaluation, in order to determine why it is that you think that this is in any way a healthy relationship you are involved in.

I doubt that your father, mother, brothers, sisters or other family members have given you their blessing concerning this individual. I would venture to say that they have warned and tried to forbid you to get involved with this fellow. Be wise now. Take heed to their voice. Cut your losses and run.

If your best friend - or if you have one - your younger sister were contemplating getting involved with a man like this. What counsel would you give to her about such a person (and you know she was seeking for a healthy lifetime relationship)?

Be wise.











Christian Forums and Message Board

Re: Married...or not-now he says we aren't?
« Reply #5 on: Mon Nov 02, 2015 - 23:36:44 »

Offline kensington

  • Legendary Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 6816
  • Manna: 356
Re: Married...or not-now he says we aren't?
« Reply #6 on: Mon Nov 02, 2015 - 23:45:41 »
Basically, you are paying this man to mistreat you and not marry you.  Yep... You sure are.