Quotes of Tallat
if I had it to do over, I would have divorced years ago when my son was little
I will add that our household is not an unhappy one for my son. There is no fighting or arguing; no degrading, or swearing, or raised voices, or hitting walls etc. My son is actually very happy and a well-rounded, gifted child.
It's been years now, and I am finally reaching my breaking point.
there is no true happiness when you're in a marriage that is without love and intimacy
you mentioned clinging to the good moments. Well, I can honestly say that we've had none since we've been married.
The fact that I have not seen God move in my life - in any way over this - makes this the hardest part about my situation.
My husband and I are both so unhappy that we really just want God to take one of us home (heaven).
My point is that I have prayed...gutwrenching, tear-filled, anguished prayers....to God for around 12 years now. I've prayed for a change in our marriage. I've prayed for God to just change me and help me to find some sort of love and happiness in this situation. I've prayed for God to open a door for me to get a divorce. I've prayed for God to just take my life. I've prayed for just some sort of answer to this.
But I've seen no answer at all. In fact, instead of anything getting better, it only gets worse.
When I think that our main purpose as Christians is to become like Christ, and to point people to him, this perplexes me even more
Reply my mrhyde
I do not have it as bad as you but my marriage has been losing love and intimacy for many years now and I dream of leaving the marriage. There is a degree of love but it is shallow and fading. I know that it is both of our faults but I don’t want to spend too much time on that I just want out. I no longer care whose fault it is and do not believe that some of the things in our marriage that are negative are going to change.
Actually there is one sliver of hope and that is if I can leave and get separate housing and say away from my wife that maybe we will change some things that need changing. However, I would like to get into the position that I can be satisfied with or without us going back together. If my situation gets as bad as yours I plan on leaving no matter what.
I have also had 12 years of diminishing love and intimacy but unlike you I have had a sliver of love and intimacy.
You quotes above indicate that you are in a marriage that is sucking the life out of you for 12 straight years. Have you thought about just leaving and moving in with a female room mate to help share expenses? In my way of thinking I would give it one last try and if that did not do it, I would leaver regardless. You said that your son is a very happy and well rounder so that is a relief and not something that would hold you to your depressed relationship. From what you said above you are going to become a dishrag and a door mat if you keep getting beaten down with your lack of getting your need of love and intimacy nourished.
I am in awe of my grandmother. She was in her 30s when she decided to look to God for her emptiness which was much like yours. My grandfather was worse than your husband. My grandmother had several pre-teen children and had no skills other than hard manual labor. She had no running water or indoor plumbing and there were no social services then. She became so contented after a few years and would not go back to my grandfather when he came back. I saw no sadness, no downtrodden disposition, but she did have much contentment and a high degree of fulfillment from her spiritual condition. My guess would be that she may have missed having a husband at first but later she sure was a LOT better off in so many ways than most married women that had an average to above average marriage. She may never had wanted another man. We just did not talk about that.
My grandmother found her fulfillment in her spiritual life and it was a very high degree of fulfillment. This is what I saw with her from her 50s until her death in her 90s. My father said that she was that way in her 40s also; my father waas too young to notice her 30s. She would often tell us how blessed she was and how good life was with God. You just cannot fake that for 40-50 years!
From my grandmother’s story I would say the lesson is to fill yourself our with God who will never let you down. Break away from the chains of thinking that only a man can bring you joy. Don’t hold your emotions and life hostage to depending on a man to make your life worth living. With mankind you will always get hurt and you can never have complete security nor will you ever get that deep unconditional love that you desire. As corny as it may sound to you, God is the only one that can fill those shoes. I do not say that out of theory but as an eye witness to my grandmother for 40 years.
Mrhide ~ Thank you for sharing about your grandmother. She sounds like an amazing woman and she obviously left an amazing spiritual legacy for you.
After reading your post, and then the one after that where the writer criticized women for talking about their problems instead of just fixing them, I sat up last night till late and thought about my life and all this. I asked myself if the problem is me. Am I living with blinders on or something? Are the answers right under my nose and I just don't see them?
What you have described about your grandmother is something that I have wanted and prayed for. I can't count how many hundreds of times I have cried and prayed out to God to change me, to fill me, to make me content in Him alone, to let His love and the hope of Heaven be enough for me on this earth. That has been my heart's desire...always.
But it's never happened. The love I know that God has for me remains an intellectual one because my heart is still empty.
I don't doubt that I'm the problem. This is probably because I have no human relationship to gauge a spiritual relationship off of. Let me explain a little:
I was born into a horrendously abusive and dysfunctional family. Divorce, abandonment, incest, and other abuses were common...especially for me. I have had 5 parental figures - 3 dads and 2 moms. Of those 5, one died, one gave me up because I was too much of a burden, one was emotionally and verbally abusive, one was cold and unloving toward me and then ultimately gave me up as well, and the other was sexually abusive toward me for over half of my child/teen life. And all this took place while no one else in my family did or said anything. Consequently, I never knew any form of normal, unconditional love growing up. And to this day, I have no real family.
Now, I did over come all that. I went to bi-weekly counseling sessions for a few years and I worked through all that damage to become a functional, healthy adult.
Then, I met my husband. He was a really nice guy, came from a great, loving family, was a born-again Christian, and had a good job. We had a normal dating relationship and I loved him and he said he loved me. We got engaged, but waited until we were married to have sex. We also went through pre-marital counseling. My point is that I tried to do everything I could to make a wise decision before we got married, and to have God's blessing.
As I've written in my other posts, it's been disaster ever since as he totally changed the night of the honeymoon. I'm now married to a human robot who doesn't feel, doesn't talk, doesn't love me, and doesn't care to touch me in any way whatsoever, not even to hug.
For years, my dad was sexual with me, beginning at the age of 12. He also forced me to have sex with other men. Looking back now, it was probably for money. He taught me that all I was good for was sex. After I got out of that, and went through counseling, my greatest dream was to find a man who would love me for me and to know what it was like to be made love to, and not just had sex with.
So, I get married and I'm so excited to finally have that dream come true, and then my marriage ends up like this. I can't even pen in words how devastating this is for me.
My point of all that is to explain that I've had no normal relationships in the areas that set the stage for accepting God's relationship. My father-child one was very bad and my husband-wife has been very bad. I've had biological parents, adoptive parents, and step parents, and they were all bad, unloving, abusive relationships.
As for friends, I use to have many...all at church. I used to be very active in church and had a great social life, but my marriage made that facade difficult over time. Also, several years ago, I tried to confide in my friends about how bad my marriage is, and they all stopped talking to me after they found out what my marriage was like. So I now have only one close friend and she lives several hundred miles away.
My work requires me to interact with people constantly, but it's on a very superficial level. I work with one other person on a close level, and she is half my age, single, and we have nothing in common.
So, my life is very empty of love, of relationships, of social life....pretty much everything meaningful. I want to be content in God alone, but it's just not enough for me. I want and need something tangible in the form of human beings. I don't think this is wrong because God created us for relationships. Considering he is a jealous God, he must want these relationships to exist because he is the one who created marriage. I don't believe that God ever intended us to live this life with nothing else except our relationship with Him.
Regardless, all the Bible knowledge, all the praying, all the Bible reading don't remove the aches and longings to be loved and wanted by someone. It's like my friend once said: "I want to know what it's like to be happy and loved now. Not when I die and go to Heaven."
It's like waking up every day with no food and slowly starving to death. Ironically, no one would just tell you to find your sustenance in God alone....trust Him to be your bread and your water. No, they would tell you to get something to eat. And no matter how hard you tried to find your contentment in God alone, the hunger pains and the malnutrition would still exist and slowly kill your body. Why? Because God never intended for us to depend on Him alone for our physical needs. No, that's why he created food.
Anyway, my final point of all this is that I don't know how to make God enough to replace the emotional and physical starvation in my life. My body may not be slowly dying of starvation, but my heart is.
I have bachelors degree from Bible college so I am not unfamiliar with God's Word and I know that the Bible says that I am loved, that I am wonderful in God's eyes. I know that the Bible says that God has a plan for me and that everything in my life was laid out before I was ever even born. I know that I'm going to Heaven and that someday this will all be behind me.
But right now, all I know is that I'm almost 50 years old, and I've never been truly loved, never been made love to, never been wanted and desired in a loving relationship, and never had any unconditional love of any kind. Although my abusive experiences were very bad, I can honestly say that my marriage has been even more painful. These aren't just trials, but are long-term experiences that have made up my life. This makes me very sad.
When I die, and the angels escort me to Heaven, my plan is to run through those gates and along those streets of gold until I find Jesus. And when I do, I want to crawl up in his lap and just lay my head against his chest and feel his loving arms around me. Because that will be the first time I will have ever had that experience. And I can't wait.
I wish that your grandmother was here to talk to because I really would like to know how she did it all those years. I'm sure that she could have told me.
My apologies for the length of this post, but there was a lot of detail to express.