Author Topic: My Christian husband is irresponsible.  (Read 4154 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline SalamandaGB

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 2
  • Manna: 0
  • (T)ogether (E)veryone (A)chieves (M)ore
My Christian husband is irresponsible.
« on: Wed Nov 16, 2016 - 13:31:27 »
It has gotten way worse since we started our own business, because now he doesn't have a boss. He struggles with staying up all night. He struggles with actually putting the hours into the business that it needs (other than customer demands). We have some money in savings but if we don't get our business to grow soon, we are going to run out of money and then go into some serious debt. I do the bookkeeping, but we have a toddler and can't afford childcare so most of my time is spent taking care of him. My husband has admitted he has this problem but hates talking about it. When I try to bring it up, we usually just fight. He has also admitted that he probably wouldn't be able to keep a job (he got fired from the first one for being late too often and the only reason he kept the second one was because he was so good at the work his boss put up with him being late).

I struggle with having negative feelings toward him on a daily basis, which is affecting my relationship with God because I feel like I can't repent of this (repenting means turning away from sin, right? But I can't seem to turn away from the negativity). Since all the household chores, child care, and the burden of our failing business feels like mine to carry, I feel anger toward my husband for not doing his part.

But by far, my biggest fear is that what will happen is this: I will finally be the one who has to get a job, while continuing to do all the chores and a lot of the child care, while he spends most of his time doing what he feels like doing, and I'm terrified that I will resent him for it.

I appreciate any advice you have, and of course your prayers.

Also, if anyone else (female) is going through something similar, I would love to connect with you on-on-one, not to bash our husbands, but to share our struggles and encourage each other.

Thank you for reading!

Offline grams

  • Hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2185
  • Manna: 55
  • Gender: Female
Re: My Christian husband is irresponsible.
« Reply #1 on: Thu Nov 17, 2016 - 06:58:48 »
SalamandaGB

Does your husband understand all  That you do ?

IF not , Please talk to him !  Not at him !   Just 

Explain to him all that you are doing and it is becoming way to much !

May be this will wake him up ......

He has to understand  ......... You just can not keep on doing all of this , day after
day........................! 

IF  that does not help........  Ask him how much of this could he do in a day ?

Just start out with the truth, and if he does not get it , then go deeper and deeper
till he understands.......

Offline Noblemen

  • Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 220
  • Manna: 8
  • Gender: Male
  • Christ is the Life of every Believer
Re: My Christian husband is irresponsible.
« Reply #2 on: Thu Nov 17, 2016 - 08:50:56 »
It has gotten way worse since we started our own business, because now he doesn't have a boss. He struggles with staying up all night. He struggles with actually putting the hours into the business that it needs (other than customer demands). We have some money in savings but if we don't get our business to grow soon, we are going to run out of money and then go into some serious debt. I do the bookkeeping, but we have a toddler and can't afford childcare so most of my time is spent taking care of him. My husband has admitted he has this problem but hates talking about it. When I try to bring it up, we usually just fight. He has also admitted that he probably wouldn't be able to keep a job (he got fired from the first one for being late too often and the only reason he kept the second one was because he was so good at the work his boss put up with him being late).

I struggle with having negative feelings toward him on a daily basis, which is affecting my relationship with God because I feel like I can't repent of this (repenting means turning away from sin, right? But I can't seem to turn away from the negativity). Since all the household chores, child care, and the burden of our failing business feels like mine to carry, I feel anger toward my husband for not doing his part.

But by far, my biggest fear is that what will happen is this: I will finally be the one who has to get a job, while continuing to do all the chores and a lot of the child care, while he spends most of his time doing what he feels like doing, and I'm terrified that I will resent him for it.

I appreciate any advice you have, and of course your prayers.

Also, if anyone else (female) is going through something similar, I would love to connect with you on-on-one, not to bash our husbands, but to share our struggles and encourage each other.

Thank you for reading!

 Husband and wife relationships are the hardest of all relationships.
 It is, in my opinion, the toughest classroom in the schoolhouse.  Expecting one or the other to change usually ends up in disappointment.  Not to say that change is not necessary in certain situations, but to expect it in our timing is going to be a big letdown.  Communication is a must, communication is not always possible, here is where it gets tricky.  Men, speaking for myself and other men, have a hard time confronting our issues.  We so want to just sweep them under the carpet and hope they go away.
 It rarely happens, there is a common ground written in the Scriptures that allows each other to be themselves and time given to work out differences. 
 In counseling, as a counselor, I see it as a lost art, if you will, and that art being the two becoming one.
 Which is such a lovely picture of Christ and his church, or the body of Christ, which he is the head of.
 In Christianity, marriages have no head other than Christ, that is not a popular term that I use. For women yes maybe, but for men they rebuff, rebuke, the walls comes up, and their defenses start.
 Until I can explain myself I lose the attention of most males, I am use to that.
 I'm saying this to you, to get to my point, and that point would be, that the believer must see Christ in other believers.
 The husband can't just see himself as the masculine male entity in the relationship, and the female cannot see herself as the fragile, feminine female of the relationship.
 He is not just a husband, he is a divine expression of Christ. He is not just a father to a child, he is the perfect expression of the Christ in him.  The same is true of the wife, she is the perfect expression of the Christ in her, that is expressed as the uniqueness of her creation.
 This is what the Scriptures teach about relationships, we must see Christ in each other.
 Apart from the pure teaching of the word of God and pure Grace message, relationships struggle. I do not have to tell you that they can be the hardest thing in this world, possibly, you will ever have to endure.
Bless you and your husband, search Paul's epistles, see what he has to say to the born-again believer, he has the cure for humanity and it's struggles.
« Last Edit: Thu Nov 17, 2016 - 08:57:04 by Noblemen »

Offline Tertullian

  • Senior Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 600
  • Manna: 11
  • (T)ogether (E)veryone (A)chieves (M)ore
Re: My Christian husband is irresponsible.
« Reply #3 on: Thu Nov 17, 2016 - 13:33:28 »
It has gotten way worse since we started our own business, because now he doesn't have a boss. He struggles with staying up all night. He struggles with actually putting the hours into the business that it needs (other than customer demands). We have some money in savings but if we don't get our business to grow soon, we are going to run out of money and then go into some serious debt. I do the bookkeeping, but we have a toddler and can't afford childcare so most of my time is spent taking care of him. My husband has admitted he has this problem but hates talking about it. When I try to bring it up, we usually just fight. He has also admitted that he probably wouldn't be able to keep a job (he got fired from the first one for being late too often and the only reason he kept the second one was because he was so good at the work his boss put up with him being late).

Probably the most common complaint of wives about husbands involves the husbands earnings, or lack thereof. 

Why does he have a problem showing up on time?  Are you home when he should have been leaving for work?  Why doesn't your husband put more time into the business?  Yes, he admits he has a problem, but what's the cause of the problem? 

If everything else fails, this is the 21st-century, you go out get a job and let him drift between part-time jobs as a takes a bigger role looking after the child.  This isn't way it should but, it's the way our society has made it (men who aren't salaried professionals often have trouble keeping a job).

Offline RB

  • Lee's Inner Circle Member
  • *******
  • Posts: 10978
  • Manna: 424
  • Gender: Male
  • Acts 24:16
Re: My Christian husband is irresponsible.
« Reply #4 on: Thu Nov 17, 2016 - 13:43:29 »
My Christian husband is irresponsible.
You say that he's a Christian~based upon what? There are so many scriptures especially the book of Proverbs that condemns a man especially being irresponsible. Read the book of Proverbs~if you need a few hundred scriptures then they are THERE to condemn anyone, but especially men who are lazy and irresponsible. I will say this one thing: "this is something that generally does not happen overnight, it most likely has been there since you have known him, why complain NOW? " The sad part of this is that this evil disease just does not go away~it generally plagues a person their entire life. I know too well by owning my own business and watching certain young men that NEVER change~Always late, always borrowing money before payday, bad habit after bad habit. Did you not see the warning signs early on? Very few men start out in life as a hard worker and then change to an irresponsible piece of sorry flesh. These men are a waste of space. Nothing is more painful than such men. Do you know what Solomon said of such people?
Quote
Proverbs 25:19~"Confidence in an unfaithful man in time of trouble is like a broken tooth, and a foot out of joint."
A broken tooth or a foot out of joint is painful, dysfunctional, and irritating. You cannot chew or walk as you should. Running is out of the question! Trusting an unfaithful person when you really need him is just as painful, dysfunctional, and irritating. You said:
Quote
My Christian husband is irresponsible.
Being irresponsible and professing to be a Christian is a misnomer to be kind! No such person should call themselves a believer.

Here is a proverb with hidden lessons. The simile, a stated comparison by the word “like,” compares the pain and trouble of an unfaithful person to a broken tooth or a foot out of joint. The lessons are implied, without being expressly declared, for proverbs are dark or obscure sayings of the wise needing interpretation (Pr 1:8; John 16:29).

Faithful men are hard to find, even though many men will say they are faithful (Pr 20:6; Ps 12:1). Fair weathermen with little integrity, selfless spirits, fearful hearts, and selfish interests are the norm. True husbands are born for adversity, and they will never disappoint you in time of trouble, they take delight in caring and protecting their wives of fear of any sort.

Sad to say~there are unfaithful men, who do not fulfill their duties. There are times of trouble, when all men have their character put to the test. And there are those who imprudently put their confidence in an unfaithful man. The combination results in disappointment, failure, and trouble~ALWAYS.

Unfaithful men cause pain and trouble. They ruin the efforts and reputations of those trusting them. They should be avoided as much as possible. Times of trouble prove whether a man is faithful or not.  Wise women only put their confidence in faithful men. Faithful men are identified by the fear of the Lord. Christian men are faithful man fearing the Lord and worthy of the confidence of others.

Wise women study the book of Proverbs and learn to discern faithful men, fools, scorners, and enemies. They take efforts to avoid fools that will cause them grief and let them down in time of trouble (Pr 9:6; 13:20; 14:7; Ps 101:3-8). They choose as friends only those that fear God and keep His commandments (Ps 101:6; 119:63,79,115; Titus 1:8).

I'm a father of three grown daughters and a grandfather of eight precious little girls, and would never stop warning my children of such men. My advice to you is that you and your husband sit down and go through Proverbs and hold his feet to God's word, and NEVER let up.



« Last Edit: Thu Nov 17, 2016 - 15:30:45 by RB »

Christian Forums and Message Board

Re: My Christian husband is irresponsible.
« Reply #4 on: Thu Nov 17, 2016 - 13:43:29 »

Shekinah Glory

  • Guest
Re: My Christian husband is irresponsible.
« Reply #5 on: Thu Nov 17, 2016 - 18:03:57 »
I'd ask if you both stopped working for someone else and immediately transitioned to your own business hours and stress?

If so maybe you need to close shop for a bit and take a much needed vacation together. You're embarking on something together after working apart. Get to know each other again in peace before jumping into the higher stress of now working for yourselves.

God guide you.

AVZ

  • Guest
Re: My Christian husband is irresponsible.
« Reply #6 on: Fri Nov 18, 2016 - 03:01:19 »
It has gotten way worse since we started our own business, because now he doesn't have a boss. He struggles with staying up all night. He struggles with actually putting the hours into the business that it needs (other than customer demands). We have some money in savings but if we don't get our business to grow soon, we are going to run out of money and then go into some serious debt. I do the bookkeeping, but we have a toddler and can't afford childcare so most of my time is spent taking care of him. My husband has admitted he has this problem but hates talking about it. When I try to bring it up, we usually just fight. He has also admitted that he probably wouldn't be able to keep a job (he got fired from the first one for being late too often and the only reason he kept the second one was because he was so good at the work his boss put up with him being late).

I struggle with having negative feelings toward him on a daily basis, which is affecting my relationship with God because I feel like I can't repent of this (repenting means turning away from sin, right? But I can't seem to turn away from the negativity). Since all the household chores, child care, and the burden of our failing business feels like mine to carry, I feel anger toward my husband for not doing his part.

But by far, my biggest fear is that what will happen is this: I will finally be the one who has to get a job, while continuing to do all the chores and a lot of the child care, while he spends most of his time doing what he feels like doing, and I'm terrified that I will resent him for it.

I appreciate any advice you have, and of course your prayers.

Also, if anyone else (female) is going through something similar, I would love to connect with you on-on-one, not to bash our husbands, but to share our struggles and encourage each other.

Thank you for reading!

So your husband is lazy, immature, stubborn, unreliable and happy-go-lucky.
Has he always been that way or did he change at some point after you got married?

Offline Tertullian

  • Senior Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 600
  • Manna: 11
  • (T)ogether (E)veryone (A)chieves (M)ore
Re: My Christian husband is irresponsible.
« Reply #7 on: Fri Nov 18, 2016 - 14:36:36 »
So your husband is lazy, immature, stubborn, unreliable and happy-go-lucky.
Has he always been that way or did he change at some point after you got married?

Immature adults is the new norm.  But, I think there's something else at play here.   Even a kid can show up at work or school on time, all the time.  Calling him names accomplishes nothing.  How do you stop a lazy man from being lazy? 

"He struggles with staying up all night" suggests he's doing a night-job.  Maybe there's too many demands on him during the day to get the needed sleep. If this phrase means he stays up all night instead of going to bed, why doesn't he go to bed with his wife?

The wife says she does the bookkeeping.  For a small, struggling business, that's insignificant.  She should be doing a lot more, if she's and her husband are trying to get their own business going, even if she's watching a toddler at the same time.

In most cases of marital problems, there's plenty of blame to go around.  Changing your spouse's behavior requires changing your own behavior.  Nagging and arguing accomplishes nothing.

Offline chosenone

  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Posts: 30932
  • Manna: 538
  • Gender: Female
Re: My Christian husband is irresponsible.
« Reply #8 on: Fri Nov 18, 2016 - 17:30:17 »
So your husband is lazy, immature, stubborn, unreliable and happy-go-lucky.
Has he always been that way or did he change at some point after you got married?

Immature adults is the new norm.  But, I think there's something else at play here.   Even a kid can show up at work or school on time, all the time.  Calling him names accomplishes nothing.  How do you stop a lazy man from being lazy? 

"He struggles with staying up all night" suggests he's doing a night-job.  Maybe there's too many demands on him during the day to get the needed sleep. If this phrase means he stays up all night instead of going to bed, why doesn't he go to bed with his wife?

The wife says she does the bookkeeping.  For a small, struggling business, that's insignificant.  She should be doing a lot more, if she's and her husband are trying to get their own business going, even if she's watching a toddler at the same time.

In most cases of marital problems, there's plenty of blame to go around.  Changing your spouse's behavior requires changing your own behavior.  Nagging and arguing accomplishes nothing.
 

Who will look after the toddler while she spends more time on the business? They need watching all the time.

Christian Forums and Message Board

Re: My Christian husband is irresponsible.
« Reply #8 on: Fri Nov 18, 2016 - 17:30:17 »

Offline Tertullian

  • Senior Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 600
  • Manna: 11
  • (T)ogether (E)veryone (A)chieves (M)ore
Re: My Christian husband is irresponsible.
« Reply #9 on: Fri Nov 18, 2016 - 18:40:43 »
Who will look after the toddler while she spends more time on the business? They need watching all the time.

She can have the toddler in the room with her as she does other things.  She can handle the phone, work on advertising, track inventory, handle billing, etc.  For what really is right now a one-man business, I don't see how this would prevent her from watching her toddler.   I wouldn't take much time.

We live in a society where women are expected to work.  Most of his friends have working wives.  I don't know how much his wife is doing in the traditional sense (nice home-cooked meals, immaculate home, darning clothes, etc.).  If she's like a lot of modern women, not much (not a judgement).  And, this isn't his grandfather's job market where he could get a job in a factory and have job security and pride.  If he ins't highly skilled, he'll work in a low-end job where most employees don't last a year.  Earning power isn't anything close to what it use to be for men. I'm not excusing him for having tardy issues and getting fired.   I'm just pointing out that our modern society stands in opposition to traditional lifestyles.

Maybe: The husband is being pounced on for things that are somewhat outside of his control, and that he doesn't understand himself.  The result is a feeling of failure and powerlessness that becomes self-fulfilling.





AVZ

  • Guest
Re: My Christian husband is irresponsible.
« Reply #10 on: Fri Nov 18, 2016 - 22:31:52 »
So your husband is lazy, immature, stubborn, unreliable and happy-go-lucky.
Has he always been that way or did he change at some point after you got married?

Immature adults is the new norm.  But, I think there's something else at play here.   Even a kid can show up at work or school on time, all the time.  Calling him names accomplishes nothing.  How do you stop a lazy man from being lazy? 

"He struggles with staying up all night" suggests he's doing a night-job.  Maybe there's too many demands on him during the day to get the needed sleep. If this phrase means he stays up all night instead of going to bed, why doesn't he go to bed with his wife?

The wife says she does the bookkeeping.  For a small, struggling business, that's insignificant.  She should be doing a lot more, if she's and her husband are trying to get their own business going, even if she's watching a toddler at the same time.

In most cases of marital problems, there's plenty of blame to go around.  Changing your spouse's behavior requires changing your own behavior.  Nagging and arguing accomplishes nothing.

My point here is that people usually do not "turn" lazy, immature, stubborn, unreliable and happy-go-lucky.
So if he is now, he likely always was...before marriage, before having a kid and before starting his own business.
This is all about choices. Who to marry, who to have children with and who to start a business with.

What happened to the good old days when a fiance had to show his bank account to the father in law before he got to marry his daughter?
Why would a woman decide to marry a man who cant keep a job let alone provide for his family?
Why would a woman decide to have children with a man who can't provide stability?

I am not talking about a responsible man who through no fault of his own loses his job, or falls on hard times.
I am talking about a man who as it seems has a history of not being able to keep a job.

Offline Tertullian

  • Senior Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 600
  • Manna: 11
  • (T)ogether (E)veryone (A)chieves (M)ore
Re: My Christian husband is irresponsible.
« Reply #11 on: Fri Nov 18, 2016 - 23:59:16 »
My point here is that people usually do not "turn" lazy, immature, stubborn, unreliable and happy-go-lucky.

As a general rule, people don't change.  If they do, I think they generally change for the better.

Quote
What happened to the good old days when a fiance had to show his bank account to the father in law before he got to marry his daughter?

That was before "women's lib" and the government forcing businesses to hire 50% women (anti-discrimination laws are a de facto quota).  Do you know what happens when a woman stays home to raise a child?  Government coercion squeezes another man out of a job.  It's not as simple as this, but this is roughly what's happening.  Women are expected to work.  A man without a college degree doesn't have the earning power to support a family (and, there's more women in college than men).

For the entire history up until modern times, a housewife did real work.  Now, most housewives are not very productive.  It doesn't take much time to watch a child (aside from the rare mom who spends a lot of time educating her children).  Wives use to repair clothing, but now clothing is disposable.  Wives use to spend a lot of time cooking, now they use prepared foods and take-out.  New washing machines even dry clothing, so no need to move clothes to a dryer, let alone hang clothes outside to dry.  And, so on.  50+ years ago (families typically had only one car), wives almost never left the house while their husbands worked.  Now, they're out with their girlfriends shopping and eating out, and complaining to each other about how lazy their husbands are -- I hope this last point isn't really true.

Society is very hostile to the traditional family, and men get the brunt of it.  Men even get to enjoy being demonized for being men (see the Hillary campaign), while they're getting the brunt of it.

Quote
Why would a woman decide to marry a man who cant keep a job let alone provide for his family?

According to biology, people are ready to marry in their teens.  But, a record of employment doesn't come until later.  A part-time job as a teenager doesn't reveal much about the future.


Offline RB

  • Lee's Inner Circle Member
  • *******
  • Posts: 10978
  • Manna: 424
  • Gender: Male
  • Acts 24:16
Re: My Christian husband is irresponsible.
« Reply #12 on: Sat Nov 19, 2016 - 04:57:40 »
That was before "women's lib" and the government forcing businesses to hire 50% women (anti-discrimination laws are a de facto quota).  Do you know what happens when a woman stays home to raise a child?  Government coercion squeezes another man out of a job.  It's not as simple as this, but this is roughly what's happening.  Women are expected to work.  A man without a college degree doesn't have the earning power to support a family (and, there's more women in college than men).

For the entire history up until modern times, a housewife did real work.  Now, most housewives are not very productive.  It doesn't take much time to watch a child (aside from the rare mom who spends a lot of time educating her children).  Wives use to repair clothing, but now clothing is disposable.  Wives use to spend a lot of time cooking, now they use prepared foods and take-out.  New washing machines even dry clothing, so no need to move clothes to a dryer, let alone hang clothes outside to dry.  And, so on.  50+ years ago (families typically had only one car), wives almost never left the house while their husbands worked.  Now, they're out with their girlfriends shopping and eating out, and complaining to each other about how lazy their husbands are -- I hope this last point isn't really true.

Society is very hostile to the traditional family, and men get the brunt of it.  Men even get to enjoy being demonized for being men (see the Hillary campaign), while they're getting the brunt of it.

"Why would a woman decide to marry a man who cant keep a job let alone provide for his family?"

According to biology, people are ready to marry in their teens.  But, a record of employment doesn't come until later.  A part-time job as a teenager doesn't reveal much about the future.
Your points are well said and I agreed, yet AVZ also had some solid points as well~that being said, I believe if this woman who started the thread, IF she is sincere in helping her husband (I said some hard things about him seeing if she would defend him, so that I could better judge would who is at fault and do they truly desire help) then enough has been said to see~both  toward her and her husband. I see she has not as of yet spoken again.

« Last Edit: Sat Nov 19, 2016 - 05:02:08 by RB »

Offline chosenone

  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Posts: 30932
  • Manna: 538
  • Gender: Female
Re: My Christian husband is irresponsible.
« Reply #13 on: Sat Nov 19, 2016 - 08:26:25 »
Who will look after the toddler while she spends more time on the business? They need watching all the time.

She can have the toddler in the room with her as she does other things.  She can handle the phone, work on advertising, track inventory, handle billing, etc.  For what really is right now a one-man business, I don't see how this would prevent her from watching her toddler.   I wouldn't take much time.

We live in a society where women are expected to work.  Most of his friends have working wives.  I don't know how much his wife is doing in the traditional sense (nice home-cooked meals, immaculate home, darning clothes, etc.).  If she's like a lot of modern women, not much (not a judgement).  And, this isn't his grandfather's job market where he could get a job in a factory and have job security and pride.  If he ins't highly skilled, he'll work in a low-end job where most employees don't last a year.  Earning power isn't anything close to what it use to be for men. I'm not excusing him for having tardy issues and getting fired.   I'm just pointing out that our modern society stands in opposition to traditional lifestyles.

Maybe: The husband is being pounced on for things that are somewhat outside of his control, and that he doesn't understand himself.  The result is a feeling of failure and powerlessness that becomes self-fulfilling.

Have you looked after a toddler while trying to do office type work at the same time? I have, its impossible. They need your full attention. I had to wait till the children were in bed, and then I was so tired.
« Last Edit: Sat Nov 19, 2016 - 13:14:55 by chosenone »

Offline chosenone

  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Posts: 30932
  • Manna: 538
  • Gender: Female
Re: My Christian husband is irresponsible.
« Reply #14 on: Sat Nov 19, 2016 - 08:28:00 »
So your husband is lazy, immature, stubborn, unreliable and happy-go-lucky.
Has he always been that way or did he change at some point after you got married?

Immature adults is the new norm.  But, I think there's something else at play here.   Even a kid can show up at work or school on time, all the time.  Calling him names accomplishes nothing.  How do you stop a lazy man from being lazy? 

"He struggles with staying up all night" suggests he's doing a night-job.  Maybe there's too many demands on him during the day to get the needed sleep. If this phrase means he stays up all night instead of going to bed, why doesn't he go to bed with his wife?

The wife says she does the bookkeeping.  For a small, struggling business, that's insignificant.  She should be doing a lot more, if she's and her husband are trying to get their own business going, even if she's watching a toddler at the same time.

In most cases of marital problems, there's plenty of blame to go around.  Changing your spouse's behavior requires changing your own behavior.  Nagging and arguing accomplishes nothing.

My point here is that people usually do not "turn" lazy, immature, stubborn, unreliable and happy-go-lucky.
So if he is now, he likely always was...before marriage, before having a kid and before starting his own business.
This is all about choices. Who to marry, who to have children with and who to start a business with.

What happened to the good old days when a fiance had to show his bank account to the father in law before he got to marry his daughter?
Why would a woman decide to marry a man who cant keep a job let alone provide for his family?
Why would a woman decide to have children with a man who can't provide stability?

I am not talking about a responsible man who through no fault of his own loses his job, or falls on hard times.
I am talking about a man who as it seems has a history of not being able to keep a job.
 

I agree with your points.

Offline MeMyself

  • Lee's Inner Circle Member
  • *******
  • Posts: 15980
  • Manna: 382
  • Gender: Female
Re: My Christian husband is irresponsible.
« Reply #15 on: Sat Nov 19, 2016 - 10:37:21 »
Quote
It doesn't take much time to watch a child

Raising a child, loving a child, investing in a child, training a child up in the way they should go is very time consuming!

I don't know many mothers who have dedicated their lives to be stay at home moms who view it as you describe; simply "watching" them.

Even if they do not homeschool, they are often found in the classrooms, volunteering and even joining PTA or booster clubs.


Offline mommydi

  • *Mulberry Bush Dancer & Weird Personality of GC* Disinformation Governance Board Secretary of GCM
  • Lee's Inner Circle Member
  • *******
  • Posts: 11872
  • Manna: 722
  • Gender: Female
  • Living a normal life in spite of my strange nature
Re: My Christian husband is irresponsible.
« Reply #16 on: Sat Nov 26, 2016 - 12:52:28 »


Probably the most common complaint of wives about husbands involves the husbands earnings, or lack thereof. 


You must run with a totally different crowd than I have ever run with. In all my decades of having married female friends, not once has any of them complained that their husband's didn't make enough money. Not once. I'm not saying there are some wives out there who would complain about that, but as for being the "most common problem" that's BS.
Some of more common complaints I've heard over the years are -
 He's indifferent to her and/or the kids. Doesn't take enough interest in the family's daily lives and leaves it all up to her. He comes home and plops in front of the tv or computer and doesn't want to spend time with the family, help kids with homework, etc. She often feels like she's carrying the family, both emotionally and spiritually. He wants cold, quickie sex with no foreplay or intimacy. Those are the most common complaints. All about relationship issues - nothing about how much he makes. Most married women I know often speak of how hard their husbands work for their family. So many times I've heard complaints like, "I know he works hard every day and is tired, and I appreciate that, but when he gets home, I could use a break with the kids." I just never hear, "My husband does not make enough money." For a lot of women out there, if her husband treats her with tenderness and affection, she'll be content in a tiny home eating beans and fried potatoes every day.





Offline Texas Conservative

  • SuperFree, Board "Former", Senator of GCM, Ethical Dissenter "All 8 Symptoms" Chief Justice! "Radical Political Conservative" Certified Resident Board Genius, it is...Directly. Observable. The Man, The Myth, The Legend!
  • Lee's Inner Circle Member
  • *******
  • Posts: 13796
  • Manna: 418
  • My church is 100% right, Your church is 100% wrong
Re: My Christian husband is irresponsible.
« Reply #17 on: Sat Nov 26, 2016 - 13:04:11 »


Probably the most common complaint of wives about husbands involves the husbands earnings, or lack thereof. 


You must run with a totally different crowd than I have ever run with. In all my decades of having married female friends, not once has any of them complained that their husband's didn't make enough money. Not once. I'm not saying there are some wives out there who would complain about that, but as for being the "most common problem" that's BS.
Some of more common complaints I've heard over the years are -
 He's indifferent to her and/or the kids. Doesn't take enough interest in the family's daily lives and leaves it all up to her. He comes home and plops in front of the tv or computer and doesn't want to spend time with the family, help kids with homework, etc. She often feels like she's carrying the family, both emotionally and spiritually. He wants cold, quickie sex with no foreplay or intimacy. Those are the most common complaints. All about relationship issues - nothing about how much he makes. Most married women I know often speak of how hard their husbands work for their family. So many times I've heard complaints like, "I know he works hard every day and is tired, and I appreciate that, but when he gets home, I could use a break with the kids." I just never hear, "My husband does not make enough money." For a lot of women out there, if her husband treats her with tenderness and affection, she'll be content in a tiny home eating beans and fried potatoes every day.

Not enough women nowadays.   A lot want unlimited attention and unlimited things.  And if only one is lacking, they stray.

Offline mommydi

  • *Mulberry Bush Dancer & Weird Personality of GC* Disinformation Governance Board Secretary of GCM
  • Lee's Inner Circle Member
  • *******
  • Posts: 11872
  • Manna: 722
  • Gender: Female
  • Living a normal life in spite of my strange nature
Re: My Christian husband is irresponsible.
« Reply #18 on: Sat Nov 26, 2016 - 13:17:08 »

Not enough women nowadays.   A lot want unlimited attention and unlimited things.  And if only one is lacking, they stray.
I guess times have changed. Even when I was in my 20s, my friends and I never complained about a lack of income.

Maybe this is more common now, but certainly not every young woman. My 29 year old daughter dated a young man over the summer who wanted "unlimited attention" to the point of suffocating her, so she let him go. Maybe this need for unlimited attention and things isn't a young woman thing, but more of a young, immature, spoiled generation thing. What about all these millennial Bernie supporters - both male and female - who want unlimited attention and things from their government? Same thing, I'm afraid.

Offline RB

  • Lee's Inner Circle Member
  • *******
  • Posts: 10978
  • Manna: 424
  • Gender: Male
  • Acts 24:16
Re: My Christian husband is irresponsible.
« Reply #19 on: Sat Nov 26, 2016 - 13:28:36 »
He's indifferent to her and/or the kids. Doesn't take enough interest in the family's daily lives and leaves it all up to her. He comes home and plops in front of the tv or computer and doesn't want to spend time with the family, help kids with homework, etc. She often feels like she's carrying the family, both emotionally and spiritually. He wants cold, quickie sex with no foreplay or intimacy. Those are the most common complaints. All about relationship issues - nothing about how much he makes. Most married women I know often speak of how hard their husbands work for their family. So many times I've heard complaints like, "I know he works hard every day and is tired, and I appreciate that, but when he gets home, I could use a break with the kids." I just never hear, "My husband does not make enough money." For a lot of women out there, if her husband treats her with tenderness and affection, she'll be content in a tiny home eating beans and fried potatoes every day.
This is a faithful saying, and true. Good women do not complain about money or the lack thereof. When we started out, we had very little, with no help~ things have indeed changed for the better, yet it was not always that way.  We each had our certain responsibilities and each fulfilled them cheerfully.  I never put the correction of our children on my wife, but took care of that along with other responsibilities that are duties of men, not women.  I made sure that a certain amount of my time every day went toward my wife, more so than toward my children. My wife gave her time to both. As a husband and wife we both agree that our relationship was important and would last long after the children leave home, so we made sure that we put each other ahead of our children while giving them time and love, yet not above what we did for each other.

Offline mommydi

  • *Mulberry Bush Dancer & Weird Personality of GC* Disinformation Governance Board Secretary of GCM
  • Lee's Inner Circle Member
  • *******
  • Posts: 11872
  • Manna: 722
  • Gender: Female
  • Living a normal life in spite of my strange nature
Re: My Christian husband is irresponsible.
« Reply #20 on: Sat Nov 26, 2016 - 13:34:39 »
He's indifferent to her and/or the kids. Doesn't take enough interest in the family's daily lives and leaves it all up to her. He comes home and plops in front of the tv or computer and doesn't want to spend time with the family, help kids with homework, etc. She often feels like she's carrying the family, both emotionally and spiritually. He wants cold, quickie sex with no foreplay or intimacy. Those are the most common complaints. All about relationship issues - nothing about how much he makes. Most married women I know often speak of how hard their husbands work for their family. So many times I've heard complaints like, "I know he works hard every day and is tired, and I appreciate that, but when he gets home, I could use a break with the kids." I just never hear, "My husband does not make enough money." For a lot of women out there, if her husband treats her with tenderness and affection, she'll be content in a tiny home eating beans and fried potatoes every day.
This is a faithful saying, and true. Good women do not complain about money or the lack thereof. When we started out, we had very little, with no help~ things have indeed changed for the better, yet it was not always that way.  We each had our certain responsibilities and each fulfilled them cheerfully.  I never put the correction of our children on my wife, but took care of that along with other responsibilities that are duties of men, not women.  I made sure that a certain amount of my time every day went toward my wife, more so than toward my children. My wife gave her time to both. As a husband and wife we both agree that our relationship was important and would last long after the children leave home, so we made sure that we put each other ahead of our children while giving them time and love, yet not above what we did for each other.

Good comments, RB, and a good example you have set for your children.  ::smile::

Offline chosenone

  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Posts: 30932
  • Manna: 538
  • Gender: Female
Re: My Christian husband is irresponsible.
« Reply #21 on: Sat Nov 26, 2016 - 17:31:57 »


Probably the most common complaint of wives about husbands involves the husbands earnings, or lack thereof. 


You must run with a totally different crowd than I have ever run with. In all my decades of having married female friends, not once has any of them complained that their husband's didn't make enough money. Not once. I'm not saying there are some wives out there who would complain about that, but as for being the "most common problem" that's BS.
Some of more common complaints I've heard over the years are -
 He's indifferent to her and/or the kids. Doesn't take enough interest in the family's daily lives and leaves it all up to her. He comes home and plops in front of the tv or computer and doesn't want to spend time with the family, help kids with homework, etc. She often feels like she's carrying the family, both emotionally and spiritually. He wants cold, quickie sex with no foreplay or intimacy. Those are the most common complaints. All about relationship issues - nothing about how much he makes. Most married women I know often speak of how hard their husbands work for their family. So many times I've heard complaints like, "I know he works hard every day and is tired, and I appreciate that, but when he gets home, I could use a break with the kids." I just never hear, "My husband does not make enough money." For a lot of women out there, if her husband treats her with tenderness and affection, she'll be content in a tiny home eating beans and fried potatoes every day.

Must admit I agree on the finances thing, and being that nearly all the wives in the uk have to work as well, doe to the massively high cost of housing, its a joint effort anyway to pay the bills. I have never heard a single woman complain that their husband doesnt earn enough. I guess I know some nice ladies.

Offline chosenone

  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Posts: 30932
  • Manna: 538
  • Gender: Female
Re: My Christian husband is irresponsible.
« Reply #22 on: Sat Nov 26, 2016 - 17:34:41 »
He's indifferent to her and/or the kids. Doesn't take enough interest in the family's daily lives and leaves it all up to her. He comes home and plops in front of the tv or computer and doesn't want to spend time with the family, help kids with homework, etc. She often feels like she's carrying the family, both emotionally and spiritually. He wants cold, quickie sex with no foreplay or intimacy. Those are the most common complaints. All about relationship issues - nothing about how much he makes. Most married women I know often speak of how hard their husbands work for their family. So many times I've heard complaints like, "I know he works hard every day and is tired, and I appreciate that, but when he gets home, I could use a break with the kids." I just never hear, "My husband does not make enough money." For a lot of women out there, if her husband treats her with tenderness and affection, she'll be content in a tiny home eating beans and fried potatoes every day.
This is a faithful saying, and true. Good women do not complain about money or the lack thereof. When we started out, we had very little, with no help~ things have indeed changed for the better, yet it was not always that way.  We each had our certain responsibilities and each fulfilled them cheerfully.  I never put the correction of our children on my wife, but took care of that along with other responsibilities that are duties of men, not women.  I made sure that a certain amount of my time every day went toward my wife, more so than toward my children. My wife gave her time to both. As a husband and wife we both agree that our relationship was important and would last long after the children leave home, so we made sure that we put each other ahead of our children while giving them time and love, yet not above what we did for each other.

Being that many women are with their children more often than the dad, they also need to correct them and bring them up well. I hate the old 'wait till your dad gets home' thing. 

Offline SalamandaGB

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 2
  • Manna: 0
  • (T)ogether (E)veryone (A)chieves (M)ore
Re: My Christian husband is irresponsible.
« Reply #23 on: Sat Nov 26, 2016 - 20:16:33 »
Hi, original poster here. :) I didn't mean to take so long to respond; there's just so much going on that I forgot about my post for several days, after checking the first day or two.
Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I appreciate your different perspectives on this. I realize I probably should clarify some things, and I'll try to answer your questions all right here.

First, is my husband a Christian... I admit I have wondered. On one hand, he understands the gospel- that we are saved through faith in Jesus Christ alone and not by works, I've heard his testimony, and we’ve talked a lot about the faith together over the years. On the other hand, I do see minimal fruit in his life, and as someone pointed out, can an irresponsible person be a Christian? But it is possible for a Christian to struggle with sin, and according to my husband it’s a struggle for him.  I often don’t understand it, but that’s his perspective. So I don’t know, that’s ultimately between him and God.

More about his problem… the problem with staying up all night isn’t about work; he is an “otter” by nature (the personality type) and likes to have fun. So he will stay up late playing video games, reading articles of interest to him, watching TV, etc. He says he gets carried away and loses track of time, but also lacks the self-discipline to make himself go to bed. I’m not excusing it, but that’s what I’ve heard from him. The problem being late- his boss at his last job offered a bonus at the end of each week to each employee if they would be on time every day that week, and my husband STILL couldn’t get there on time. He would arrive between 5 and 30 minutes late most days. He doesn’t seem to have a good concept of time and has horrible time management skills. His mom is the same way, although she has been a housewife most of her marriage so I don’t know how she would be with a job. Maybe it’s a genetic thing??

Has he been this way as long as I’ve known him?… when I met him, he was in college and worked part time. It was his first job which he got through a program in high school. There didn’t seem to be any problem with his job as far as I could tell. I could tell that one of his higher priorities was having fun, but I didn’t think that would interfere with things like work. He came across as a fun-loving guy who made me laugh constantly. He lost that job after a few years into our marriage due to being late too often. His second job he had for about 8 years- I could tell that his boss was frustrated with him, but kept him because he needed him. The company went out of business and we were able to keep a lot of those customers, so here we are.  So yes, there were some signs, but what I’ve seen is that the problem becomes way worse when he doesn’t have any accountability, such as now.

The toddler… all toddlers are different, but most of the time when I try to sit down at my computer to work on something, he wants to come sit in my lap, play with my keyboard, wants my attention, etc. I agree with the person who said caring for a toddler is more than just “watching” him. He hasn’t taken naps since he was a little less than 2 (he’s almost 3 now), so I don’t get a “nap time” to get work done. My mom watches him on Fridays so I can get business stuff done. He has speech and cognitive delays and possibly autism, so I also have home visits and outings to work into my schedule, and I do play dates because I want him to have good social skills. I go grocery shopping weekly and make home cooked meals. We are busy! And yes, I am tired once he goes to sleep! I don’t know how working mothers do it!

Who is at fault? Well, both of us! Him for obvious reasons, and like I said, I struggle with negativity. I know that has an effect on him because I’m not as attentive to him- not as affectionate, etc. because I’m so mad at him so often. I guess my main question here is, how does God want me to handle this, respond to my husband, what action does He want me to take, etc. Is it wrong for me to be angry? Should I just be content and trust that God will provide for me? I don’t know anyone else in my situation and I don’t see this in the Bible so I’m just struggling with what my course of action should be. I do appreciate the poster who said we are to see Christ in each other; I’ve been pondering that.

By the way, I know this next subject was probably just a rabbit trail in the conversation, but just to clarify, my complaint is not how much he makes, but rather that our business will not survive if it doesn’t grow, and we can’t survive on the small income we’re taking from it for much longer. Basically, our situation needs to change.

Offline Noblemen

  • Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 220
  • Manna: 8
  • Gender: Male
  • Christ is the Life of every Believer
Re: My Christian husband is irresponsible.
« Reply #24 on: Sun Nov 27, 2016 - 05:39:25 »
Hi, original poster here. :) I didn't mean to take so long to respond; there's just so much going on that I forgot about my post for several days, after checking the first day or two.
Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I appreciate your different perspectives on this. I realize I probably should clarify some things, and I'll try to answer your questions all right here.

First, is my husband a Christian... I admit I have wondered. On one hand, he understands the gospel- that we are saved through faith in Jesus Christ alone and not by works, I've heard his testimony, and we’ve talked a lot about the faith together over the years. On the other hand, I do see minimal fruit in his life, and as someone pointed out, can an irresponsible person be a Christian? But it is possible for a Christian to struggle with sin, and according to my husband it’s a struggle for him.  I often don’t understand it, but that’s his perspective. So I don’t know, that’s ultimately between him and God.

More about his problem… the problem with staying up all night isn’t about work; he is an “otter” by nature (the personality type) and likes to have fun. So he will stay up late playing video games, reading articles of interest to him, watching TV, etc. He says he gets carried away and loses track of time, but also lacks the self-discipline to make himself go to bed. I’m not excusing it, but that’s what I’ve heard from him. The problem being late- his boss at his last job offered a bonus at the end of each week to each employee if they would be on time every day that week, and my husband STILL couldn’t get there on time. He would arrive between 5 and 30 minutes late most days. He doesn’t seem to have a good concept of time and has horrible time management skills. His mom is the same way, although she has been a housewife most of her marriage so I don’t know how she would be with a job. Maybe it’s a genetic thing??

Has he been this way as long as I’ve known him?… when I met him, he was in college and worked part time. It was his first job which he got through a program in high school. There didn’t seem to be any problem with his job as far as I could tell. I could tell that one of his higher priorities was having fun, but I didn’t think that would interfere with things like work. He came across as a fun-loving guy who made me laugh constantly. He lost that job after a few years into our marriage due to being late too often. His second job he had for about 8 years- I could tell that his boss was frustrated with him, but kept him because he needed him. The company went out of business and we were able to keep a lot of those customers, so here we are.  So yes, there were some signs, but what I’ve seen is that the problem becomes way worse when he doesn’t have any accountability, such as now.

The toddler… all toddlers are different, but most of the time when I try to sit down at my computer to work on something, he wants to come sit in my lap, play with my keyboard, wants my attention, etc. I agree with the person who said caring for a toddler is more than just “watching” him. He hasn’t taken naps since he was a little less than 2 (he’s almost 3 now), so I don’t get a “nap time” to get work done. My mom watches him on Fridays so I can get business stuff done. He has speech and cognitive delays and possibly autism, so I also have home visits and outings to work into my schedule, and I do play dates because I want him to have good social skills. I go grocery shopping weekly and make home cooked meals. We are busy! And yes, I am tired once he goes to sleep! I don’t know how working mothers do it!

Who is at fault? Well, both of us! Him for obvious reasons, and like I said, I struggle with negativity. I know that has an effect on him because I’m not as attentive to him- not as affectionate, etc. because I’m so mad at him so often. I guess my main question here is, how does God want me to handle this, respond to my husband, what action does He want me to take, etc. Is it wrong for me to be angry? Should I just be content and trust that God will provide for me? I don’t know anyone else in my situation and I don’t see this in the Bible so I’m just struggling with what my course of action should be. I do appreciate the poster who said we are to see Christ in each other; I’ve been pondering that.

By the way, I know this next subject was probably just a rabbit trail in the conversation, but just to clarify, my complaint is not how much he makes, but rather that our business will not survive if it doesn’t grow, and we can’t survive on the small income we’re taking from it for much longer. Basically, our situation needs to change.

It is a situation not foreign to all relationships that have situations. Regardless it is your situation, you feel it, you're in it, it is real.
You have a real mystery here, how to help to start fixing it, well you know what I'm going to say or not say because I've already said it.
It is fixable, if I may, but you are going to need outside input from some qualified help, be it who ever.
I will say, try to find someone that can deal with your own unique situation, outside help can be a hindrance if they don't have an understanding of how to handle your situation.
My experience, do not go to a pastor or clergy, not to say they cant help, but you need a trained individual who can help, that is what I have seen through the years of ministry. Bless you, sounds lime you have a good start by being open, so be patient, the world will not stop if you wait on the Lord to see you through this, it's your family. 

Offline RB

  • Lee's Inner Circle Member
  • *******
  • Posts: 10978
  • Manna: 424
  • Gender: Male
  • Acts 24:16
Re: My Christian husband is irresponsible.
« Reply #25 on: Sun Nov 27, 2016 - 07:03:20 »
More about his problem… the problem with staying up all night isn’t about work; he is an “otter” by nature (the personality type) and likes to have fun. So he will stay up late playing video games, reading articles of interest to him, watching TV, etc. He says he gets carried away and loses track of time, but also lacks the self-discipline to make himself go to bed. I’m not excusing it, but that’s what I’ve heard from him.
Pitiful! He's irresponsible, immature, selfish, and a loser. These type of men never grow up. Life of a real man is about being responsible, diligent, giving ourselves for OTHERS, especially our wife and children and not serving our own interest and lust. Real men redeem their TIME and use it wisely, by not playing childish games, a sign of not taking life serious by working hard. I have told my son and grandsons that life is simple~you cannot skate of BOTH ENDS~if you skate while you are young and able to work hard then you will work hard on the end of your life when you should be skating!   It's simple~we MUST rule our spirits be a real man that our children and wives can be proud of and look up to.  The glory of children are their father's, sad to say, not many children have very much glory to be proud of. 
« Last Edit: Sun Nov 27, 2016 - 07:08:36 by RB »

Offline Noblemen

  • Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 220
  • Manna: 8
  • Gender: Male
  • Christ is the Life of every Believer
Re: My Christian husband is irresponsible.
« Reply #26 on: Sun Nov 27, 2016 - 15:12:48 »
More about his problem… the problem with staying up all night isn’t about work; he is an “otter” by nature (the personality type) and likes to have fun. So he will stay up late playing video games, reading articles of interest to him, watching TV, etc. He says he gets carried away and loses track of time, but also lacks the self-discipline to make himself go to bed. I’m not excusing it, but that’s what I’ve heard from him.
Pitiful! He's irresponsible, immature, selfish, and a loser. These type of men never grow up. Life of a real man is about being responsible, diligent, giving ourselves for OTHERS, especially our wife and children and not serving our own interest and lust. Real men redeem their TIME and use it wisely, by not playing childish games, a sign of not taking life serious by working hard. I have told my son and grandsons that life is simple~you cannot skate of BOTH ENDS~if you skate while you are young and able to work hard then you will work hard on the end of your life when you should be skating!   It's simple~we MUST rule our spirits be a real man that our children and wives can be proud of and look up to.  The glory of children are their father's, sad to say, not many children have very much glory to be proud of.

With respect to your thoughts, but how pray tell does a deadman do this.
The believer has no life of their own, you were crucified the moment you believed.
It's Christ now, no longer a twain, but the twain have become one.
I am just curious where you find the I, as in me alone, in the scriptures.
When an accusation is made such as, he is this or she is that, its a false pretense.
We are Christ-tians, not a move to make against a child God has birthed Himself.
He is perfectly able to handle His Own.

Offline Texas Conservative

  • SuperFree, Board "Former", Senator of GCM, Ethical Dissenter "All 8 Symptoms" Chief Justice! "Radical Political Conservative" Certified Resident Board Genius, it is...Directly. Observable. The Man, The Myth, The Legend!
  • Lee's Inner Circle Member
  • *******
  • Posts: 13796
  • Manna: 418
  • My church is 100% right, Your church is 100% wrong
Re: My Christian husband is irresponsible.
« Reply #27 on: Sun Nov 27, 2016 - 20:28:56 »
More about his problem… the problem with staying up all night isn’t about work; he is an “otter” by nature (the personality type) and likes to have fun. So he will stay up late playing video games, reading articles of interest to him, watching TV, etc. He says he gets carried away and loses track of time, but also lacks the self-discipline to make himself go to bed. I’m not excusing it, but that’s what I’ve heard from him.
Pitiful! He's irresponsible, immature, selfish, and a loser. These type of men never grow up. Life of a real man is about being responsible, diligent, giving ourselves for OTHERS, especially our wife and children and not serving our own interest and lust. Real men redeem their TIME and use it wisely, by not playing childish games, a sign of not taking life serious by working hard. I have told my son and grandsons that life is simple~you cannot skate of BOTH ENDS~if you skate while you are young and able to work hard then you will work hard on the end of your life when you should be skating!   It's simple~we MUST rule our spirits be a real man that our children and wives can be proud of and look up to.  The glory of children are their father's, sad to say, not many children have very much glory to be proud of.

Comment does no one any good.