MY HUSBAND CALLED ME UGLY

[pureNheart]

It will very well have to be The Lord who opens a door for me to leave because I receive a very small income.  What little money that I do get, I have to put it into our joint bank account to help pay the bills.

But, if He should provide a way of escape for me, I would gladly take it.

[chosenone]

It will very well have to be The Lord who opens a door for me to leave because I receive a very samll income.  What little money that I do get, I have to put it into our joint bank account to help pay the bills.

 OK so ask God and see what a miracle He can do. If He provides a way out will that convince you that you should leave? If you do leave your money will be yours and for you and not him. I mentioned your situation to my  husband who is a very godly man. He was appalled and said that you really need to be away from this man. Most places have somewhere that abused women can go. Could you look them up and contact them?  
I know that sometimes it is easier just to do nothing, as it is scary to stand up to people and get away and have to manage alone (been there, done that)but staying with him will only do more and more damage.
You are actually enabling his bad behaviour by staying and thinking that you have to stay because you are a Christian.

[phoebe]

Thank you lightsineon.

No, he isn't a Muslim.  He says that he is saved.  He reads his Bible daily, knows quite a bit of the Word, and is highly respected in our church as a Deacon.  They've even considered asking him to teach our Bible Class until we get another pastor.

I know that The Lord knows how much that we can bear.  But, somtimes I feel as if I'm gonna lose it.

Please pray for my strength.

1)  A man who treats his wife as he does is not qualified to be a deacon.  The church leaders need to be informed.

2)  Abuse is not something to take lightly.  Get yourself to a safe house.  Find a shelter.  And get a real counselor.  I'm guessing who you saw was not qualified nor certified to counsel.  Verbal abuse is still abuse.

If you have trouble locating one, go here for a directory listing of certified Christian counselors:

http://www.ncca.org/Directory/

Many work on a sliding scale.

[BAH-BLAH]

What, if I may ask, was the illness (sorry if you already said). Your family abandoned you as well over this illness?

Friends too? Seems very extreme reaction from EVERYONE.

[pureNheart]

An impacted kidney stone caused me to go into septic shock.  I was in a coma for 12 days and was so sick until even the doctors were basicallly waiting for my husband to start making funeral arrangements.  When I came out of the coma, I was in the hospital and rehab for almost one month.  

The reason I can't work again is because while in the hospital, they mistakenly burned my forearm.  I was told that I had tubes everywhere and that they allowed some of the fluids to leak out from the tubes.

I was adopted by an older couple at the age of 6.  The few relatives that my adoptive parents had , who are deceased  have all died.  However, when I requested my foster care records, I discovered that I do have an older sister and brother.  But, I can't search for them until I come up with the money to pay for another search fee.

I do have a few friends.  I just don't have any that I can move in with.

[chosenone]

then try an organisation that helps women who are abused, They will have help for you and should be able to find you somewhere to stay.I agree that you also need to tell the church what is going on. You could write to one of the leaders if it is too hard for you to face anyone of them face to face.

[canuck]

Hi there pureNheart

Your husband's cruel streak may be the result of being too preoccupied with his own self-importance. Being physically attractive, he may have given place to a spirit of pride.
You should challenge him to show respect for your Christian grace and forebearance in putting up with his deprecating assaults -- especially following what you reveal to be a serious illness.

But at the same time, are you now healthy enough to begin working out? It is amazing how much one's figure/physique can be improved by hitting the gym two or three times a week for toning up exercises. Exercising, even in moderation, breaks stress and adds a healthy glow to one's countenance. You may not wind up looking as good as you once did, but give yourself a reason to feel better about yourself ! Even if he doesn't take notice. But, who knows? He may become kinder.

canuck

[lugnut]

My heart breaks for you and your suffering.  I grew up under an atheist father who was not even this abusive and it was awful.  He had a lot of anger and everyone got a piece.  Much like your husband, in public he was loved to the point that I lost friends who chose to believe him rather than me.

I felt trapped and powerless and once I graduated high school I was blessed with a job that would support college part time and was able to convince my Mom to move in with me.

Even now I question the Biblical justification for what we did, but it worked out very well and the Lord has blessed us abundantly since.  There is a lot of good advice here, and obviously look to the Lord to guide you.

As a man I can tell you that there is a beauty that God has put in all women that I can't describe.  You may feel you are not as physically attractive as you once were, but I can almost guarantee you that not every man would view you physically as your husband does.

On top of that, as many have said your beauty is so much more than physical.  Jesus was not described as overly attractive physically, but we need not even mention that He was the most beautiful person to walk the earth.

I will most certainly pray for you.  I wish I could do more, ultimately it is the Lord that will help you.  If all of us on this thread would call on the Lord, that is the best we can do.

Be strong in Christ!

[FoC]

He says that he is a Christian and has been born again.  He's a deacon in our church and is well respected.  Everywhere he goes, people always ask him is he is a minister.

Then its time to involve the church.
Husbands are not above the rules.

[yesult]

Exercising, even in moderation, breaks stress and adds a healthy glow to one's countenance. You may not wind up looking as good as you once did, but give yourself a reason to feel better about yourself ! Even if he doesn't take notice. But, who knows? He may become kinder.

canuck

 

Since when does a wifes looks justify the right for love?

Wow, that post really grieved me.

Pureheart, what you're suffering is emotional abuse. Your husband has no right to treat you the way he has, and no biblical right to be deaconing. I'm sorry to hear of his hypocrisy.

If it was me, I'd leave. I hope God provides you with a way out soon. As already mentioned, womens shelters can be very helpful in times such as these. Am adding my prayers for you.

[chosenone]

it isnt just emotional abuse, as she said that he has knocked her down and spat in her face. THAT is physical abuse
You do so need to get away from this awful abusive man. He has BIG problems.
What was he like before you were ill?

[haveahope]

I have to agree, its time to get out.  A womens shelter is the place for you right now.  You need to get away and think - and pray and sort things out.  No man should treat his wife like this.  And I'd find another church. Pronto.

You didn't deserve this.  You don't deserve this.  You are commanded to be respectful to your husband, but that doesn't mean you have to be his doormat.  Being reviled we do not return the reviling.  Quietly leave and leave a note explaining why you feel you must.  Respectfully give him your reasons and what he has done and said that is unacceptable to you.  I would say to have a conversation with him face to face, and if you think this is safe that is a better way.  But honestly, it doesn't sound like this would be a safe thing for you to do.  He sounds way too volatile.

 I'm praying for you, many are.  You are not alone.

HAH

[phoebe]

I have to agree, its time to get out.  A womens shelter is the place for you right now.  You need to get away and think - and pray and sort things out.  No man should treat his wife like this.  And I'd find another church. Pronto.

You didn't deserve this.  You don't deserve this.  You are commanded to be respectful to your husband, but that doesn't mean you have to be his doormat.  Being reviled we do not return the reviling.  Quietly leave and leave a note explaining why you feel you must.  Respectfully give him your reasons and what he has done and said that is unacceptable to you.  I would say to have a conversation with him face to face, and if you think this is safe that is a better way.  But honestly, it doesn't sound like this would be a safe thing for you to do.  He sounds way too volatile.

 I'm praying for you, many are.  You are not alone.

HAH

Not to get into a theological debate, but I believe this is a descriptive passage to which you refer.  IOW, he loves you, and in return you respect him.  I don't believe we are ever called to respect someone who is unworthy of respect.  I only mention this because I believe a misunderstanding of the application has caused many women to remain in houses where this idea of it being a "command" leads to a lifetime of tolerating spousal abuse.

[haveahope]

Phoebe I understand what you are saying about respect.  Disagreeing, setting boundaries, and conversing about conflicts can all be done respectfully to be obedient, not to the husband but to the Word of God.  The command to respect is not qualified by anything.  Just like a husband is to love his wife sacrificially.  Also not qualified.

I said we are not called to be a doormat - I am I NO way suggesting that wimpy weak submission stuff.  No meekness is 'strength under control'.  But we can get out of control and things escalate and matters are made worse. Being in control, speaking respectfully ( calmly, controlled, not screaming and not accusatory) works better. State your needs, boundaries clearly and respectfully and you have made your point much more powerfully.

[lightshineon]

 Hi sweetie, how are you doing today. I hope you are doing well, you are in my prayers. may I ask a personal question, which you are no obligation to respond to. Here it goes, is it possible he is fooling around. I have reasons for asking this, again, do not respond unless you want to.

                              Love LSO