my husband is in denial about the help he needs

[lisaz]

I have been married for 16 years to my husband - this is my second marriage.  I have 2 adult children living out of our area.  My husband is very controlling, and very depressed.  We have hit the same wall of conflict for almost 10 years.  I realize now that i have enabled him by not speaking up and not standing for the treatment i deserve.  He is at times belittling - my daughter cried once over her sadness that I am treated the way I am.  My husband has alienated our friends and my family by his negative talk and legalistic Christian way of judging things.  My kids do not want to visit our home. He talks about little else except negative things, and what is wrong with others.  At times he seems almost manic, though, and acts like the world is great - which happens instead of apologizing to me, etc.  He is a photographer and spends most of his time on photoshop.  I have been made aware recently of the model websites he frequents - I do not feel this is appropriate for a married Christian man.  We have been intimate 3 times in 3 years.  We have tried counseling, where he seems to put on a "face" and does not get real with how he feels or what is truly going on in our marriage. 

He has a terrible time with fear - about his health, etc.  We do nothing fun - dinner out maybe every few months, no vacations ever, time spent with friends is usually with him watching the clock so he can get home to work or get a good nite sleep so he can work the next day. 

He helped me to raise my daughter - who had a tenuous relationship with her biological dad until grade 11 - and now they are very close.  He has been devastated by this, hates my ex for it, and has either drawn away from my daughter or tried too hard to be close to her (on his terms, tho).  The whole situation in our mariage has gotten worse since this occured.

I am at such a loss as to what to do.  He needs help so bad, but does not see it.  I am devastated that my family and friends are so uncomfortable around him - especially my children, who I have very good relationships with.

Would welcome any advice - I want to do what is right - but cannot continue in a marriage where we are roomates and I am basically living as a single person. 

God bless and thanks. 

[son of God]

YOu can't open his eyes to it.  That's impossible.  Only God can do that, and then change him.  "...without a word win their husbands..."

You can't hide your heart either, for you think that you can and need and indeed, MUST open his eyes and change him.  Until you have a change of heart, the chances of him having change of heart are slim indeed.  This might seem like harsh, but the Word says these things, and that you need to be quiet about it with him.  Be heard with the Lord.

Yes, it is hard, but "His grace is sufficient for you".  That's what the Word says.

Take care of your own row to hoe, and God will take care of your husband's.  God is his head, not you.  It never works to have the tail wagging the dog, does it?

When you do this, honestly and purely, God will deal with Him, and He will do it better than you can.  And don't be in the way, for if God has to get harsh with him due to his hardness of heart, you don't want to get in the way lest you suffer at the hand of God while He chastises you man.  Chastisement is used of God to get the hard heart that knows better.  A word to the wise is sufficient.

Grow in grace.

[BAH-BLAH]

Why intimate so seldom?

[phoebe]

Go see a good, recommended, Christian counselor.  For yourself.

[phoebe]

...

God is his head, not you.  It never works to have the tail wagging the dog, does it?

...

She is not the tail.  God is her head, as well.

[walker starr]

 
        Phoebe you are absolutely right.  The man sounds like he's bi-polarr.  The lady needs a counsilor for her self.
         Manna for this one.

[chosenone]

Did he show these things before you married?

[lisaz]

Thanks for your responses.  He did not reveal much of this before we were married.  He is a very fearful, insecure person.  Leaves it up to me to initiate talks, intimacy, etc.  We listened to a Gary Smalley tape years ago about how to avoid breaking your mate's spirit.  Well, mine was broken years ago by the way he talks to me and never reaches out for me.  I need to feel valued and desired - emotionally and physically.  He has made me feel more of a liability than an asset, especially with my "baggage" of two children. 

His fears have pretty much made him housebound except for work and church.  He seems to be comfortable only in relationships where he can be teaching, preaching, or talking about himself.  He has learned to shut me down by blowing up - even if I ask something simple like what he has going on today.  Being the peacemaker I am,  I have evolved into someone who doesn't say much around him to avoid conflict.

I am totally at a loss.  I told him Monday that I feel it may be biblical to separate and do some thinking and praying on our own, and that he needs help.  Did not go over well.  I keep on telling myself there is victory in Jesus.

[chosenone]

Thanks for your responses.  He did not reveal much of this before we were married.  He is a very fearful, insecure person.  Leaves it up to me to initiate talks, intimacy, etc.  We listened to a Gary Smalley tape years ago about how to avoid breaking your mate's spirit.  Well, mine was broken years ago by the way he talks to me and never reaches out for me.  I need to feel valued and desired - emotionally and physically.  He has made me feel more of a liability than an asset, especially with my "baggage" of two children. 

His fears have pretty much made him housebound except for work and church.  He seems to be comfortable only in relationships where he can be teaching, preaching, or talking about himself.  He has learned to shut me down by blowing up - even if I ask something simple like what he has going on today.  Being the peacemaker I am,  I have evolved into someone who doesn't say much around him to avoid conflict.

I am totally at a loss.  I told him Monday that I feel it may be biblical to separate and do some thinking and praying on our own, and that he needs help.  Did not go over well.  I keep on telling myself there is victory in Jesus.

  Maybe a seperation would be wise. That may well make him realise that he has to get help or he may loose you.
All of this must have affected the children as well as you. Both my husband and I have been married to controlling people before who we had to keep happy or they would be angry or unpredictable, so we both know what a strain it is and how draining it is.
I describe it as walking on eggshells all the time and he describes it as banging your head against a brick wall. You cannot relax, you cannot be yourself and its no life to lead. A miserable existance. To live with a patient laid back easy going man after that is a joy. Ask God to make it clear to you what to do next.

[yesult]

I am totally at a loss.  I told him Monday that I feel it may be biblical to separate and do some thinking and praying on our own, and that he needs help.  Did not go over well.  I keep on telling myself there is victory in Jesus.

I think this might be a very wise choice as well.