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Author Topic: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!  (Read 9495 times)

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Offline budja17

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My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« on: Mon Mar 05, 2012 - 21:45:39 »
Hi everyone,

Several weeks ago, my female cousin came into town and we decided to get a hotel room in a nearby city so that we could go out that night after I got off work. My husband was originally going to go with us, but due to some major depression issues, he decided not to come. The city can be dangerous at night, especially for 2 young women who both weigh about 110 lbs, so I asked a male, married co-worker who has 2 children to accompany us. He just moved to the area and wanted to explore the city. The biggest mistake I made was not telling my husband that I invited the married coworker. At the time, I knew he would be very upset and jealous that another man was coming, even if I told him it was for protection and that he is married. Of course, now, I see what an idiot I was! On top of that, my cousin and I both accidentally left our cell phones in our hotel room so I was unable to check in with my husband for about 5-6 hours.

My husband seems to think that none of those things could have happened without me cheating on him. I absolutely understand why he woud be angry and upset with me. I deserve that completely. But he is threatening to leave me because he thinks I cheated. I didn't even LOOK at another man that night, much less have any physical contact.

Maybe some men out there could help me put some things together. There have been a couple of times in our marriage when other men came onto me (tried to kiss me). My husband actually witnessed both of them. The first one, the guy would kiss me on the lips each time we said hello. My husband told me it upset him, so I put a stop to it by turning my head when we met up with that friend. The 2nd time was a guy who was sitting grabbed my hand and pulled me down to him to kiss me. It happened very quickly and I wasn't expecting it. I immediately pulled away and my husband heard me tell this man that I would never, ever hurt my friend (his wife) and I told him to stop. I feel like my husband has to know that if someone else comes onto ME, then how can it be my fault? He seems to think that because these other men came onto me, that means I cheated on him then as well. Does that make sense to anyone? Am I just being too closed minded?

I'm trying really hard to put myself in his shoes. I would be incredibly upset with him, just as he is with me and I know that that is a consequence of my stupid actions. My concern is that I don't feel like our marriage should be ended when there was no infidelity. I absolutely adore my husband and never, ever meant to hurt him intentionally. We've been together for over 8 years and we get along great (normally).

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

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My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« on: Mon Mar 05, 2012 - 21:45:39 »

larry2

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #1 on: Mon Mar 05, 2012 - 21:59:46 »
You husband is hurt, has built doubt, and needs time to heal. Regardless of our innocence, at times circumstances lead us to make mistakes that harm the ones we love.

1 Thessalonians 5:22  Abstain from all appearance of evil. In the problem you found yourself, it would have been better to call off the night out. Calling ahead and first asking advice of your husband may have been another solution.

Offline budja17

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #2 on: Mon Mar 05, 2012 - 22:02:23 »
I agree completely! And you are right in that it doesn't matter whether I actually cheated or not, I still hurt him terribly. I just pray that he will stay with me and try to work it out. I love him so very much. I can't imagine my life without him.

Thank you so much for your post.

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #2 on: Mon Mar 05, 2012 - 22:02:23 »

Offline chosenone

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #3 on: Tue Mar 06, 2012 - 06:39:58 »
I think that your husband is acting out of hurt and anger, and will probably calm down in time. In his place I would feel very hurt as well. The fact that you didnt tell him what you were doing, wont have helped him to trust you at all. All you can do is give it time and pray.

I hope that you don't mind me saying but you do seem to be very naive and rather foolish when it comes to men. To ask a married man(or any man) to accompany 2 ladies who he barely knows on a night out, was asking for trouble. What was a married man doing accepting the invitation anyway? Do you honestly think that because he was married your husband wouldn't mind? Married men can be just as immoral with women as single men. If it was too dangerous then why did you go? She could have come to your house instead, or you could have done something safer.
 Also the kissing on the lips thing, why were you allowing that????? Kissing on the lips isn't for friends, it is for our spouse. I don't/wont kiss any guys at all, lips or not,  except my husband and close family. It was only when he mentioned that he didn't like it, that you stopped doing it, which is rather concerning. If my husband went round kissing other women on the lips, I would NOT be happy.


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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #3 on: Tue Mar 06, 2012 - 06:39:58 »

Offline DaveW

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #4 on: Tue Mar 06, 2012 - 07:08:33 »
IMO your husband has trust issues and is prone to jealousy.  Not that uncommon. I think most of us guys have that to one degree or another.

You stepped on those issues big time. So now it up to you to make it right.  I submit that you find a christian couple/family counselor (either for you as a couple or you individually) to work thru the issues. If he will come with you, great.  If not, go alone.  By changing yourself it will say a lot to him that you realize you did wrong and are working to change it.  That means a lot to a guy.

You do not list your location but if you are anywhere near the Northern Virginia region I know just the counselor.

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #4 on: Tue Mar 06, 2012 - 07:08:33 »



Offline janine

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #5 on: Tue Mar 06, 2012 - 07:56:53 »
I can see getting a hotel room to have a central location near whatever activities you're going to.  I can see trying to set things up more safely by having additional people and/or larger (and male) people as part of the party, even if I'm not actually worried about real dangers -- the precautions would be mostly to make Hubby feel better about it.  :)  The man in the mix would have been a lot better situation if his wife was included, though.

I've done the same thing when groups of friends are getting together to do touristy things near me.

Is your husband getting any treatment, counseling and/or medication for his depression?

Seems like the best way to help the situation is to bend over backwards to be extra-accountable to him for a while.  It may take months.  Maybe years.  And you have to somehow find a balance between gently giving him the extra consideration he needs to feel confident in you again -- the extra accountability, you know? -- You have to find a balance there, because it is possible to bend so far over backwards that you fall over the other way.  It's possible to twist your self and your schedule up into so many knots, that you're actually feeding his suspicions and paranoia, and making them stronger.

A good counselor would be a real help to you right now.

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #5 on: Tue Mar 06, 2012 - 07:56:53 »

Offline MeMyself

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #6 on: Tue Mar 06, 2012 - 07:59:15 »
How come you didn't invite the man and his wife?  The couple coming along, instead of it being just the man, probably would have taken away even a *hint* that anything suspicious was going on...


Offline chosenone

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #7 on: Tue Mar 06, 2012 - 10:15:57 »
How come you didn't invite the man and his wife?  The couple coming along, instead of it being just the man, probably would have taken away even a *hint* that anything suspicious was going on...


  Good point. You have to wonder what his wife thought, with him going out on the town with 2 ladies who she doesnt even know.

Offline Deborah4God

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #8 on: Tue Mar 06, 2012 - 11:08:24 »
I can see this from your position, he saw you rebuke 2 men before so why doesn't he trust you? But from his POV it might be, men are always after my wife! and then you admit that you were hanging out with this guy, didn't tell him or have any phone to reach him to let him know what you're doing. He might've been worried about you and extra hurt when he found out that you were just fine and with this guy (and your cousin). Leaving you for this is certainly unwarranted but I agree with the others,that the man is married and has children unfortunately doesn't mean much if the question is about adultery. Would it help to get your cousin to affirm the story separately at all?

I pray that God bless you both with wisdom here to understand each other.

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #8 on: Tue Mar 06, 2012 - 11:08:24 »

Offline fenton

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #9 on: Tue Mar 06, 2012 - 11:42:42 »
i wouldnt have gone out by myself anyway, i mean with out my wife, i wouldnt have left her at home so i could go out. jmo

Offline chosenone

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #10 on: Tue Mar 06, 2012 - 11:59:01 »
Fenton I am the same, we dont go out socialising without the other. Not to say we dont have things that we do seperately,we do, but on an evening out for a drink or meal or whatever, we would always be together or we dont go. Just the way we are. I have no interest in socialising without him.

Offline fenton

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #11 on: Tue Mar 06, 2012 - 12:00:40 »
Fenton I am the same, we dont go out socialising without the other. Not to say we dont have things that we do seperately,we do, but on an evening out for a drink or meal or whatever, we would always be together or we dont go. Just the way we are. I have no interest in socialising without him.

 ::amen!::  ::smile::  ::clappingoverhead::

Offline JohnDB

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #12 on: Tue Mar 06, 2012 - 12:49:46 »
Ummmm. Everyone knew everyone. Two ladies & one married guy makes for a civil & politically correct evening. Poor guy has my sympathies for being a good sport and tagging along at yawl's request. I wouldn't have done it just cuz of the estrogen level in the company. Three guys in a hotel room sounds like a lot more fun.

Offline MeMyself

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #13 on: Tue Mar 06, 2012 - 14:24:31 »
i wouldnt have gone out by myself anyway, i mean with out my wife, i wouldnt have left her at home so i could go out. jmo

Yeah, this is how it is for my hubby and me too...

If he was goin, I'd be goin right along with him!
 ::clappingoverhead::

Offline budja17

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #14 on: Tue Mar 06, 2012 - 16:43:22 »
Thank you for your input. I will also agree with you 100% that I am naive when it comes to men and I'm too trustworthy. I was sexually abused from the age of 4 until 9. When you are abused that young, you lose all sense of what normal boundaries should be or what signs to look for when a man is trying to be inappropriate.

My coworker has been living here for several months, but his wife and children will move here when the school year ends. That is why his wife didn't come out that night.

My husband and I are seeing a couple's therapist (1st session was last week). He told the therapist last week that he is "on the fence" about whether he wants to stay married to me or not. I am praying that he said that out of anger and hurt and that he didn't really mean it.

I have been to therapy as an adult for the sexual abuse, but we dealt mostly with the hurt and low self esteem associated with and didn't dwell on my problem with boundaries. So, I made an appointment for myself to go to individual therapy in addition to the couple's therapy. I hope my husband sees this as a step in the right direction.

I love my husband with all my heart and never meant to hurt him. I take all the blame because I know that I messed up. I just pray that our marriage makes it through this.

Offline Deborah4God

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #15 on: Tue Mar 06, 2012 - 17:07:48 »
Thank you for your input. I will also agree with you 100% that I am naive when it comes to men and I'm too trustworthy. I was sexually abused from the age of 4 until 9. When you are abused that young, you lose all sense of what normal boundaries should be or what signs to look for when a man is trying to be inappropriate.

My coworker has been living here for several months, but his wife and children will move here when the school year ends. That is why his wife didn't come out that night.

My husband and I are seeing a couple's therapist (1st session was last week). He told the therapist last week that he is "on the fence" about whether he wants to stay married to me or not. I am praying that he said that out of anger and hurt and that he didn't really mean it.

I have been to therapy as an adult for the sexual abuse, but we dealt mostly with the hurt and low self esteem associated with and didn't dwell on my problem with boundaries. So, I made an appointment for myself to go to individual therapy in addition to the couple's therapy. I hope my husband sees this as a step in the right direction.

I love my husband with all my heart and never meant to hurt him. I take all the blame because I know that I messed up. I just pray that our marriage makes it through this.


That sounds like a tough situation! For the record I do *not* think this is all your fault. I do think your husband is overreacting. Threatening to end the marriage when he has absolutely no actual evidence that you committed adultery doesn't seem fair to me. My comments were more about things that stuck out to me that might make someone feel insecure.

It does seem like maybe your boundaries are too open. I'm not sure why someone would get the impression that he has a chance at kissing you. A lot of men interpret what we think as friendliness as flirtation. If you do that a lot it could drive your husband crazy. but then again, he has to know that you have a hard time with these sorts of boundaries and of course you do not mean anything by it. That's why I find his reaction over the top here. It'd make more sense if he were annoyed because I really don't think you should feel like you did something worthy of divorce.

Offline anx

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #16 on: Tue Mar 06, 2012 - 17:10:26 »
On the fence probably is where he is truly at right now. It's hard to accept, but use it to recognize now hurt is really is.

However, that means you also have time. Only he can make this decision (do not force or push him), and likely it will be the right one. It sounds like there is other stuff to deal with in counseling besides just this accusation of cheating, so use this time to grow closer to God, fix issues in yourself and pray for your husbands issues and depression stuff.

There is no magic bullet, but the right decision for him is clear. It just might take him a long time to get there. Love him and leave room for God to act on his heart. No amount of words or actions from you will guarantee success (you can't force him), but doing what's good and right and let him find his path through this.

 2 Thessalonians 3:13 NIV
And as for you, brothers and sisters, never tire of doing what is good.

Do the work you need to do and do what's right regardless of whatever garbage you husband produces because of his hurt and depression. Invest in the long term of this and get past the short term confusion, hurt, anger, and whatever other garbage.

Blessings

Offline fenton

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #17 on: Tue Mar 06, 2012 - 17:13:24 »
God can work things out i know,

one other thing, i do not put myself in situations where my wife can even think that i am cheating on her,

Offline Thankfulldad

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #18 on: Tue Mar 06, 2012 - 17:22:11 »
Thank you for your input. I will also agree with you 100% that I am naive when it comes to men and I'm too trustworthy. I was sexually abused from the age of 4 until 9. When you are abused that young, you lose all sense of what normal boundaries should be or what signs to look for when a man is trying to be inappropriate.

My coworker has been living here for several months, but his wife and children will move here when the school year ends. That is why his wife didn't come out that night.

My husband and I are seeing a couple's therapist (1st session was last week). He told the therapist last week that he is "on the fence" about whether he wants to stay married to me or not. I am praying that he said that out of anger and hurt and that he didn't really mean it.

I have been to therapy as an adult for the sexual abuse, but we dealt mostly with the hurt and low self esteem associated with and didn't dwell on my problem with boundaries. So, I made an appointment for myself to go to individual therapy in addition to the couple's therapy. I hope my husband sees this as a step in the right direction.

I love my husband with all my heart and never meant to hurt him. I take all the blame because I know that I messed up. I just pray that our marriage makes it through this.


You are a very sincere lady ::smile::

My only advice...love God more then you love your husband; become exactly that of a child, God and your own soul...from there...God will move through you to your husband and your husband will see the love, respect and admiration you have for him.

Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God."

If our hopes are being disappointed just now, it means they are being purified...

Grasp on to some tenacity...which is much more then endurance, it is endurance combined with the absolute certainty that what we are looking for is going to transpire.  You love your husband, and you want your marriage to succeed...then know that God is Who He says He is...trust Him, love Him with tenacity!


Offline budja17

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #19 on: Tue Mar 06, 2012 - 17:30:43 »
You are very wise. I love this part of your post:

"My only advice...love God more then you love your husband; become exactly that of a child, God and your own soul...from there...God will move through you to your husband and your husband will see the love, respect and admiration you have for him."

I think I have been so upset, worried, and afraid over this that I have put my husband before God. I didn't even realize I was doing it. Thank you for pointing that out. I will concentrate on studying God's word, praying, and just doing the "right thing" overall in my daily life.

Thank you.

Offline Thankfulldad

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #20 on: Tue Mar 06, 2012 - 17:40:31 »
I think I have been so upset, worried, and afraid over this that I have put my husband before God. I didn't even realize I was doing it. Thank you for pointing that out. I will concentrate on studying God's word, praying, and just doing the "right thing" overall in my daily life.

Sister...here is a portion of a devotion I would like to share with you:

When once we get intimate with Jesus we are never lonely, we never need sympathy, we can pour out all the time without being pathetic.  The saint who is intimate with Jesus will never leave impressions of himself, but only the impression that Jesus is having unhindered way, because the last abyss of his nature has been satisfied by Jesus.  The only impression left by such a life is that of the strong calm sanity that Our Lord give those who are intimate with Him.

End of Devotion...

Know that when you place yourself in Gods Hands...it is God Who works in you and through you for His good purpose.  He does not give us His Power and then expect us to use it; He is the power...

Trust God...love God...give yourself up for God, there is no greater love then when Jesus gave Himself up for us; we should do no less for Him.

God Bless ::smile::

Offline budja17

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #21 on: Tue Mar 06, 2012 - 17:41:51 »

 That's why I find his reaction over the top here. It'd make more sense if he were annoyed because I really don't think you should feel like you did something worthy of divorce.
[/quote]

I think I see it exactly as you do. I know I did something horrible. I deserve for him to be upset and angry. I deserve to have to rebuild his trust in me. I know this will take a lot of work. The only thing that bothers me at all is that he is threatening to leave me over it. I did not cheat and would never do such a thing! I just don't feel like divorce is the answer here. I am not exaggerating when I say that we get along wonderfully 99% of the time. We rarely even have little disagreements. So for him to end a happy marriage over this just doesn't seem rational. Of course, I'm not feeling what he's feeling, so I know there are things that would probably make more sense to me if he had done this to me.

Offline Deborah4God

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #22 on: Tue Mar 06, 2012 - 19:01:08 »

 That's why I find his reaction over the top here. It'd make more sense if he were annoyed because I really don't think you should feel like you did something worthy of divorce.

I think I see it exactly as you do. I know I did something horrible. I deserve for him to be upset and angry. I deserve to have to rebuild his trust in me. I know this will take a lot of work. The only thing that bothers me at all is that he is threatening to leave me over it. I did not cheat and would never do such a thing! I just don't feel like divorce is the answer here. I am not exaggerating when I say that we get along wonderfully 99% of the time. We rarely even have little disagreements. So for him to end a happy marriage over this just doesn't seem rational. Of course, I'm not feeling what he's feeling, so I know there are things that would probably make more sense to me if he had done this to me.
[/quote]

I'm not sure it was horrible even, maybe thoughtless, unwise. Horrible would be actual adultery, this is something else. I'm saying this because I think we both agree it wasn't a good idea, it obviously really upset your husband which is bad. If you've never given him a reason to think you've been unfaithful, and I trust you that you haven't, his reaction doesn't make that much sense to me. i'd understand annoyed, or even really annoyed, maybe angry before you had a chance to explain and he had a chance to think about it, but this seems inexplicable to me. That leads me to think maybe there is something else going on and this was just trigger of something deeper? You say you  have a very happy relationship and I totally believe that, but is it possible there's something you're overlooking?

Offline MeMyself

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #23 on: Tue Mar 06, 2012 - 19:18:41 »

I'm not sure it was horrible even, maybe thoughtless, unwise.

I agree.  What you did was pretty silly, impulsive and naive, should not be repeated next time...but not horrible.

Your counselor will likely set him straight on that soon.

 

Offline budja17

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #24 on: Tue Mar 06, 2012 - 20:18:31 »
The only other thing I can possibly think of is that he has been really depressed. For at least 3 weeks before this happened, he had been having a rough time and had been super grumpy. He goes through phases like that at least twice a year since I've known him and each episode usually lasts a minimum of 1 month. I've begged and pleaded him to get help. He has seen a therapist several times in the past, but it hasn't seemed to help much. He is completely against taking any kind of medication. This is one of the few things that has impacted our marriage in a negative way. It is difficult for me to live with someone who treats me like a stranger for 2 or more months out of every year. However, I have depression issues as well (I'm on medication) so I understand that it isn't his fault. I don't blame him for having those issues. Plus, I love him so much and honor my commitment to him so much that I would never, ever leave him no mtter how miserable his depression makes me for those 2 months a year!


Offline Deborah4God

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #25 on: Tue Mar 06, 2012 - 20:23:48 »
Okay. So maybe this issue will change when this depressive episode is over? Maybe try to ride it out as best as possible until you can what he says then?

Offline budja17

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #26 on: Tue Mar 06, 2012 - 20:50:28 »
Thank you Deborah. Your comments have really helped me. I am trying my very best to just let him have space and time. I think what makes it so hard is that there are days when he is cordial to me. We even had breakfast together at a restaurant Sunday and I thought things were progressing a tad. But the very next day, he was angry, resentful, and ignoring me again. I know that I have no right to tell him how he can or can't feel and I don't plan to. I just wish I knew whether he's willing to stay and fight for our marriage or not. If I had even a little hint that he wanted to stay, I would be ok emotionally with however he needs to work through this. I guess I am in such panic mode right now thinking that he's going to leave me, it's hard for me to concentrate on how to move forward.

Thanks again. God bless you.

Offline Deborah4God

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #27 on: Tue Mar 06, 2012 - 21:52:11 »
Thank you Deborah. Your comments have really helped me. I am trying my very best to just let him have space and time. I think what makes it so hard is that there are days when he is cordial to me. We even had breakfast together at a restaurant Sunday and I thought things were progressing a tad. But the very next day, he was angry, resentful, and ignoring me again. I know that I have no right to tell him how he can or can't feel and I don't plan to. I just wish I knew whether he's willing to stay and fight for our marriage or not. If I had even a little hint that he wanted to stay, I would be ok emotionally with however he needs to work through this. I guess I am in such panic mode right now thinking that he's going to leave me, it's hard for me to concentrate on how to move forward.

Thanks again. God bless you.

Yes I can understand how that'd be confusing and hurtful! But from what you've said about his  depressive episodes I think you might have to ride it out to find out what is really going on, which sounds like such a rollercoaster. I can totally understand your unease, not knowing what is going on about such an important thing. I don't know if you can move forward with things like this. Can you wait it out while you both take this also to a counselor?

Offline BrokenOne

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #28 on: Wed Mar 07, 2012 - 03:14:41 »
On the fence probably is where he is truly at right now. It's hard to accept, but use it to recognize now hurt is really is.



i think maybe the depression is affecting his judgement on the situation.  I wouldn't like the situation and would have been upset if my wife hadn't told me.  But to threaten to end the marriage over this is over-kill.  Unless he has other reasons to dis-trust her 

Offline BrokenOne

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #29 on: Wed Mar 07, 2012 - 03:20:30 »
He has seen a therapist several times in the past, but it hasn't seemed to help much. He is completely against taking any kind of medication.

he won't get any better until he gets his brain chemicals evened out.  I don't like taking meds but I do it because I feel better.  It also allows me to focus on healing instead of feeling miserable.

IMO, he needs to MAN UP and do what it takes to heal.  Perhaps a trusted family member of his or your minister could suggest it to him?

 

     
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