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Author Topic: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!  (Read 7194 times)

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Offline budja17

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My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« on: March 05, 2012, 08:45:39 PM »
Hi everyone,

Several weeks ago, my female cousin came into town and we decided to get a hotel room in a nearby city so that we could go out that night after I got off work. My husband was originally going to go with us, but due to some major depression issues, he decided not to come. The city can be dangerous at night, especially for 2 young women who both weigh about 110 lbs, so I asked a male, married co-worker who has 2 children to accompany us. He just moved to the area and wanted to explore the city. The biggest mistake I made was not telling my husband that I invited the married coworker. At the time, I knew he would be very upset and jealous that another man was coming, even if I told him it was for protection and that he is married. Of course, now, I see what an idiot I was! On top of that, my cousin and I both accidentally left our cell phones in our hotel room so I was unable to check in with my husband for about 5-6 hours.

My husband seems to think that none of those things could have happened without me cheating on him. I absolutely understand why he woud be angry and upset with me. I deserve that completely. But he is threatening to leave me because he thinks I cheated. I didn't even LOOK at another man that night, much less have any physical contact.

Maybe some men out there could help me put some things together. There have been a couple of times in our marriage when other men came onto me (tried to kiss me). My husband actually witnessed both of them. The first one, the guy would kiss me on the lips each time we said hello. My husband told me it upset him, so I put a stop to it by turning my head when we met up with that friend. The 2nd time was a guy who was sitting grabbed my hand and pulled me down to him to kiss me. It happened very quickly and I wasn't expecting it. I immediately pulled away and my husband heard me tell this man that I would never, ever hurt my friend (his wife) and I told him to stop. I feel like my husband has to know that if someone else comes onto ME, then how can it be my fault? He seems to think that because these other men came onto me, that means I cheated on him then as well. Does that make sense to anyone? Am I just being too closed minded?

I'm trying really hard to put myself in his shoes. I would be incredibly upset with him, just as he is with me and I know that that is a consequence of my stupid actions. My concern is that I don't feel like our marriage should be ended when there was no infidelity. I absolutely adore my husband and never, ever meant to hurt him intentionally. We've been together for over 8 years and we get along great (normally).

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

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My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« on: March 05, 2012, 08:45:39 PM »

larry2

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #1 on: March 05, 2012, 08:59:46 PM »
You husband is hurt, has built doubt, and needs time to heal. Regardless of our innocence, at times circumstances lead us to make mistakes that harm the ones we love.

1 Thessalonians 5:22  Abstain from all appearance of evil. In the problem you found yourself, it would have been better to call off the night out. Calling ahead and first asking advice of your husband may have been another solution.

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #1 on: March 05, 2012, 08:59:46 PM »

Offline budja17

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #2 on: March 05, 2012, 09:02:23 PM »
I agree completely! And you are right in that it doesn't matter whether I actually cheated or not, I still hurt him terribly. I just pray that he will stay with me and try to work it out. I love him so very much. I can't imagine my life without him.

Thank you so much for your post.

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #2 on: March 05, 2012, 09:02:23 PM »

Offline chosenone

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #3 on: March 06, 2012, 05:39:58 AM »
I think that your husband is acting out of hurt and anger, and will probably calm down in time. In his place I would feel very hurt as well. The fact that you didnt tell him what you were doing, wont have helped him to trust you at all. All you can do is give it time and pray.

I hope that you don't mind me saying but you do seem to be very naive and rather foolish when it comes to men. To ask a married man(or any man) to accompany 2 ladies who he barely knows on a night out, was asking for trouble. What was a married man doing accepting the invitation anyway? Do you honestly think that because he was married your husband wouldn't mind? Married men can be just as immoral with women as single men. If it was too dangerous then why did you go? She could have come to your house instead, or you could have done something safer.
 Also the kissing on the lips thing, why were you allowing that????? Kissing on the lips isn't for friends, it is for our spouse. I don't/wont kiss any guys at all, lips or not,  except my husband and close family. It was only when he mentioned that he didn't like it, that you stopped doing it, which is rather concerning. If my husband went round kissing other women on the lips, I would NOT be happy.


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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #3 on: March 06, 2012, 05:39:58 AM »

Offline DaveW

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #4 on: March 06, 2012, 06:08:33 AM »
IMO your husband has trust issues and is prone to jealousy.  Not that uncommon. I think most of us guys have that to one degree or another.

You stepped on those issues big time. So now it up to you to make it right.  I submit that you find a christian couple/family counselor (either for you as a couple or you individually) to work thru the issues. If he will come with you, great.  If not, go alone.  By changing yourself it will say a lot to him that you realize you did wrong and are working to change it.  That means a lot to a guy.

You do not list your location but if you are anywhere near the Northern Virginia region I know just the counselor.

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #4 on: March 06, 2012, 06:08:33 AM »



Offline janine

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #5 on: March 06, 2012, 06:56:53 AM »
I can see getting a hotel room to have a central location near whatever activities you're going to.  I can see trying to set things up more safely by having additional people and/or larger (and male) people as part of the party, even if I'm not actually worried about real dangers -- the precautions would be mostly to make Hubby feel better about it.  :)  The man in the mix would have been a lot better situation if his wife was included, though.

I've done the same thing when groups of friends are getting together to do touristy things near me.

Is your husband getting any treatment, counseling and/or medication for his depression?

Seems like the best way to help the situation is to bend over backwards to be extra-accountable to him for a while.  It may take months.  Maybe years.  And you have to somehow find a balance between gently giving him the extra consideration he needs to feel confident in you again -- the extra accountability, you know? -- You have to find a balance there, because it is possible to bend so far over backwards that you fall over the other way.  It's possible to twist your self and your schedule up into so many knots, that you're actually feeding his suspicions and paranoia, and making them stronger.

A good counselor would be a real help to you right now.

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #5 on: March 06, 2012, 06:56:53 AM »

Offline MeMyself

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #6 on: March 06, 2012, 06:59:15 AM »
How come you didn't invite the man and his wife?  The couple coming along, instead of it being just the man, probably would have taken away even a *hint* that anything suspicious was going on...


Offline chosenone

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #7 on: March 06, 2012, 09:15:57 AM »
How come you didn't invite the man and his wife?  The couple coming along, instead of it being just the man, probably would have taken away even a *hint* that anything suspicious was going on...


  Good point. You have to wonder what his wife thought, with him going out on the town with 2 ladies who she doesnt even know.

Offline Deborah4God

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #8 on: March 06, 2012, 10:08:24 AM »
I can see this from your position, he saw you rebuke 2 men before so why doesn't he trust you? But from his POV it might be, men are always after my wife! and then you admit that you were hanging out with this guy, didn't tell him or have any phone to reach him to let him know what you're doing. He might've been worried about you and extra hurt when he found out that you were just fine and with this guy (and your cousin). Leaving you for this is certainly unwarranted but I agree with the others,that the man is married and has children unfortunately doesn't mean much if the question is about adultery. Would it help to get your cousin to affirm the story separately at all?

I pray that God bless you both with wisdom here to understand each other.

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #8 on: March 06, 2012, 10:08:24 AM »

Offline fenton

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #9 on: March 06, 2012, 10:42:42 AM »
i wouldnt have gone out by myself anyway, i mean with out my wife, i wouldnt have left her at home so i could go out. jmo

Offline chosenone

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #10 on: March 06, 2012, 10:59:01 AM »
Fenton I am the same, we dont go out socialising without the other. Not to say we dont have things that we do seperately,we do, but on an evening out for a drink or meal or whatever, we would always be together or we dont go. Just the way we are. I have no interest in socialising without him.

Offline fenton

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #11 on: March 06, 2012, 11:00:40 AM »
Fenton I am the same, we dont go out socialising without the other. Not to say we dont have things that we do seperately,we do, but on an evening out for a drink or meal or whatever, we would always be together or we dont go. Just the way we are. I have no interest in socialising without him.

 ::amen!::  ::smile::  ::clappingoverhead::

Offline JohnDB

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #12 on: March 06, 2012, 11:49:46 AM »
Ummmm. Everyone knew everyone. Two ladies & one married guy makes for a civil & politically correct evening. Poor guy has my sympathies for being a good sport and tagging along at yawl's request. I wouldn't have done it just cuz of the estrogen level in the company. Three guys in a hotel room sounds like a lot more fun.

Offline MeMyself

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #13 on: March 06, 2012, 01:24:31 PM »
i wouldnt have gone out by myself anyway, i mean with out my wife, i wouldnt have left her at home so i could go out. jmo

Yeah, this is how it is for my hubby and me too...

If he was goin, I'd be goin right along with him!
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Offline budja17

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Re: My husband thinks I cheated but I'm innocent!
« Reply #14 on: March 06, 2012, 03:43:22 PM »
Thank you for your input. I will also agree with you 100% that I am naive when it comes to men and I'm too trustworthy. I was sexually abused from the age of 4 until 9. When you are abused that young, you lose all sense of what normal boundaries should be or what signs to look for when a man is trying to be inappropriate.

My coworker has been living here for several months, but his wife and children will move here when the school year ends. That is why his wife didn't come out that night.

My husband and I are seeing a couple's therapist (1st session was last week). He told the therapist last week that he is "on the fence" about whether he wants to stay married to me or not. I am praying that he said that out of anger and hurt and that he didn't really mean it.

I have been to therapy as an adult for the sexual abuse, but we dealt mostly with the hurt and low self esteem associated with and didn't dwell on my problem with boundaries. So, I made an appointment for myself to go to individual therapy in addition to the couple's therapy. I hope my husband sees this as a step in the right direction.

I love my husband with all my heart and never meant to hurt him. I take all the blame because I know that I messed up. I just pray that our marriage makes it through this.