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Author Topic: My wife is having multiple affairs and wants a divorce  (Read 45082 times)

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Offline tomcatf14g

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Re: My wife is having multiple affairs and wants a divorce
« Reply #140 on: Mon Dec 05, 2011 - 14:04:00 »
No I don't support her at all anymore. We don't tlk nothing. I've cut all ties except for still being legally married. And I get the children every week now. When the OM leaves she starts acting like she misses me and some way wants me back. But upon his return she totally changes her tune. She was fired from her job and they live in a small 2 bdrm house. Most days from what I understand she is done and happy with him. I don't know for sure because I have no contact with her. But I have found out she keeps tabs on me somehow. She knows things going on in my life that she would only know if she was here and that confuses me. I've moved on with my life and going on with out her. I'm even seeing another woman now platonically. But not a min goes by that I don't still hope het and I can still work this out and save our marriage. The ball is in her court. If she wants the divorce all she has to do is file for the final hearing and paperssge has yet to do it. So I don't know what to do.

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Re: My wife is having multiple affairs and wants a divorce
« Reply #140 on: Mon Dec 05, 2011 - 14:04:00 »

Offline chosenone

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Re: My wife is having multiple affairs and wants a divorce
« Reply #141 on: Mon Dec 05, 2011 - 14:23:52 »
If you are at the point of seeing another woman, even if it is only as friends, then it may be time to end the marriage  yourself. Do be careful though, as you still love your wife and still want the marriage to carry on, so is that fair to another lady who may well end up falling for you?
I have to wonder, if she still hasnt let you go(which she hasnt), how she will react to another lady in your life if it gets more serious. Would she make trouble do you think?

Offline tomcatf14g

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Re: My wife is having multiple affairs and wants a divorce
« Reply #142 on: Mon Dec 05, 2011 - 14:48:27 »
She knows about the other woman and even went as far as to say that if I become her bf she will kick her u know what. She seen us together one night while we were dancing and was apparently pretty upset. Found this out thru a mutal friend. I explained me and the other woman are just friends nothing more. And that if my wife feels that way all she has to do is pick up the phone and call me cause I'm still willing to work it out with her. Have yet to get that call.

As for the female friend. She knows where I stand. I do beleive she has developed an attachment to me but I've made it clear I'm not ready or willing to start another relationship. I'm just wanting some friendly company and to have some fun. I don't know how deeply she feels about me but the question has arose as to wiether I could see us becoming more then friends. I told her at this point in my life no. I'm still commited to my wife and my marriage and don't see that changing anytime soon. All I can be is a friend right now nothing more. And for now we mostly only hang out in group settings. I won't allow anything to become intimate cause I'm not ready for it.

But I feel I'm being selfish holding onto my marriage when my wife just wants out. I wonder now if the right thing to do is to end it and finish the divorce for her even though its absolutely the last thing that I want to do. But maybe at this point its the best gift I can give to her. I just don't know and I can't seem to find the right answer. Sometimes it really sucks when u truly love someone with all that u are.

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Re: My wife is having multiple affairs and wants a divorce
« Reply #142 on: Mon Dec 05, 2011 - 14:48:27 »

Offline chosenone

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Re: My wife is having multiple affairs and wants a divorce
« Reply #143 on: Mon Dec 05, 2011 - 15:57:21 »
I have to say that she has an incredible cheek to try to dictate to you if you can see another lady, when she had had all these affairs and is living with another man! Its one of those cases of her not wanting you but her not allowing you to have anyone else.
She has no right to threaten to harm this lady if you and she become an item, and, tomcat, I have just realised why she isn't setting you free by divorcing you. If she ends the marriage she will have no more hold or control over you. She isn't prepared to give up that control and she wants the other man as well, so she wont end the marriage! She likes it that you still want her back and she is keeping your hopes alive for this reason.
This means that you may need to end it yourself or live in this state of limbo. Once the marriage is over she will have no claim over you, and you will need to make it clear that all ties are then cut.

As for the other lady, it may be best to cut off that friendship till you are divorced and know what you want, because even though you may not want anything serious, it sounds as if she does, and that is perfectly normal.

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Re: My wife is having multiple affairs and wants a divorce
« Reply #143 on: Mon Dec 05, 2011 - 15:57:21 »

Offline Ray in Florida

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Re: My wife is having multiple affairs and wants a divorce
« Reply #144 on: Mon Dec 05, 2011 - 18:46:23 »
But I feel I'm being selfish holding onto my marriage when my wife just wants out. I wonder now if the right thing to do is to end it and finish the divorce for her even though its absolutely the last thing that I want to do. But maybe at this point its the best gift I can give to her. I just don't know and I can't seem to find the right answer. Sometimes it really sucks when u truly love someone with all that u are.

Dear Brother ...

Joshua 24:15

15 ... But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.

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Re: My wife is having multiple affairs and wants a divorce
« Reply #144 on: Mon Dec 05, 2011 - 18:46:23 »



Offline chosenone

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Re: My wife is having multiple affairs and wants a divorce
« Reply #145 on: Mon Dec 05, 2011 - 19:24:55 »
But I feel I'm being selfish holding onto my marriage when my wife just wants out. I wonder now if the right thing to do is to end it and finish the divorce for her even though its absolutely the last thing that I want to do. But maybe at this point its the best gift I can give to her. I just don't know and I can't seem to find the right answer. Sometimes it really sucks when u truly love someone with all that u are.

Dear Brother ...

Joshua 24:15

15 ... But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.”

  What does that mean in these circumstances? Whether he divorces her or not he is still serving the lord, and isnt being disobedient.

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Re: My wife is having multiple affairs and wants a divorce
« Reply #145 on: Mon Dec 05, 2011 - 19:24:55 »

Offline NRI

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Re: My wife is having multiple affairs and wants a divorce
« Reply #146 on: Tue Dec 06, 2011 - 06:37:35 »
Dear Brother,

I know you are going through what seems like never ending hell but please keep steadfast in your hope.  God loves you so so much.  Beyond words.

We are only in this life for a short time, life is like a vapour so take great hope that through your salvation the mighty Ancient of Days has secured you a place alonside his Son in heaven where there is no more sin, or death or tears.  I know this is very hard for you right now but by being steadfast now you will be given a greater reward than enything you can possibly imagine in this life.

The people that we love the most are the ones with the most potential to hurt us.  That is the nature of sin.  Your wife is so deep into her sins she has blinded herself to the truth and I am so sorry for this, because unless she repents she has set herself apart from God.  And that is the worst punishment anyone can inflict upon themselves.

If your wife seeks a divorce then give her what she seeks.  Write her a nice letter explaining that you still love her but through the Grace of God and in the spirit of peace you gladly give her what she seeks.  You may find that this exposes her emptyness and is the catalyst to her repentence and ultimately her coming back.  With God all things are possible, maritial reconcilation can and does happen after divorce.

Lastly, please remember that you are still married so please do not submit to another relationship, as this would make you an adulterer also.  By all means meet your female friend but only in the company of other friends, not alone, lest you submit to temptation.

I pray for you BOTH with all my heart dear dear friend.

NRI


happypromises

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Re: My wife is having multiple affairs and wants a divorce
« Reply #147 on: Sun Dec 11, 2011 - 07:02:15 »
She knows about the other woman and even went as far as to say that if I become her bf she will kick her u know what. She seen us together one night while we were dancing and was apparently pretty upset. Found this out thru a mutal friend. I explained me and the other woman are just friends nothing more. And that if my wife feels that way all she has to do is pick up the phone and call me cause I'm still willing to work it out with her. Have yet to get that call.


Hey there Tom
I think another poster suggested to you earlier that you should try reading Dobson's Love must be tough book....it completely changed my thinking on relationships.   I'm no expert but in all your posts, I can see a real flaw in how you deal with your wife....simply, you're too available.   She will keep on doing this simply because she knows that she can and that no matter what she throws at you, you will always be there, always hoping for a reconciliation.  

Dobson talks about this a lot and says it's totally the wrong approach - if you love someone and they continue to treat you like garbage, you do not continue to lay at their door, begging for mercy.  You HAVE to set some boundaries and be tough and non-negotiable and you never, ever beg for a new chance, a fresh start,  because all that does is create even less respect in the errant spouse's mind.    

She won't change because you have not given her a reason to....she knows she can do whatever she likes, throw restraining orders around, blatantly sleep around....and all the while, you're still there, waiting to have her back on HER terms.    I don't believe that is a Biblical or Godly way to approach this.

You need to get to a point where you put some boundaries in place and you pick up the pieces of your life and you give the appearrance of moving on, even if in your heart you still believe there is hope.  

You tell her, I love you and I wanted this to work but it is clear it won't, so I am now getting on with my life and I am going to move forward into the future God has for me.  If you feel it's the right thing to do, then initiate that divorce....and even though your heart is breaking, do not let her know that.  You have already told her so many times that you want this to work and she keeps throwing it back in your face.....but the fact that she got upset when you were dancing with another woman, tells me all I need to know.   She doesn't act as though she wants you, but she sure aint going to let anyone else have you too.  

Tough!    

She cannot have it both ways....and if you want even the smallest chance of this EVER working out, then you have to practice loving toughness.

I can almost guarantee it....as soon as you start to move on and leave her behind....you will see something change.   There are no guarantees of course....but there is a fundamental part of human nature that ALWAYS wants what it can't have.   Honestly....it's some of the best advice I have ever been given.

I have seen this happen in some friends' marriage.  They had been together for years and years and then she got in touch with her first boyfriend through Facebook and started an affair.  Her husband found out and was devastated but would have done anything to have her back.   He pleaded, begged, bought her flowers...even bought her a new car and get this, allowed her to stay with the boyfriend during the week and come home to him at weekends.  He would have done anything....and wow, was she having her cake and eating it.  What woman wouldn't want to be equally adored by two men like this...what garbage!    He eventually realised what she was doing and after much prayer, decided to take the big risk of being tough.   He told her she was no longer welcome home at weekends, and if she had chosen the boyfriend, she must go to him.   He put boundaries in place, said she could see the kids whenever she wanted but she had to call first and not just turn up and let herself in whenever she felt like it.    And then he gave the appearance of moving on with his life and he waited and he waited and he waited.   And he despiared that it would ever work....but then one day, she came home.   It wasn't the begging or the pleading that did it, but the boundaries.  He said, 'Ok, you've made your choice....go for it.  You can have him, sure, but you sure cannot have me TOO'.    They are now fully reconciled. 

Blessings to you!
« Last Edit: Sun Dec 11, 2011 - 07:10:02 by happypromises »

Offline chosenone

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Re: My wife is having multiple affairs and wants a divorce
« Reply #148 on: Mon Dec 12, 2011 - 06:46:52 »
HP
that is a  fantastic post, with so much good and godly advise. ::smile::

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Re: My wife is having multiple affairs and wants a divorce
« Reply #148 on: Mon Dec 12, 2011 - 06:46:52 »

Offline tomcatf14g

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Re: My wife is having multiple affairs and wants a divorce
« Reply #149 on: Sat Jan 07, 2012 - 16:44:01 »
well every body here is an update for you.  First off my wife kidnapped my kids and left out of state with them to ca.  she has been forced back and we have court on monday for her being in contempt.  Not sure what the outcome will be but it pretty much is guarenteed to be in my favor. 

My wife and the guy she has left me for broke up a week before christmas.  then got back to gether the day before christmas.  appparently because he wanted to be with another woman.  then on NYE he broke it off with her yet again and went to be with this other woman.  he has been playing mind games with my wifes heart kind of like she had done with me. despite all of this she is still in love with him and still wants him back.  he is going to be deploying here soon to afganastan and its unlikely they are going to workl it out.

I havent spoken to my wife since the events of aug. 1st.  i removed all signs of her of my social networking sites and blocked her as well as her friends.  as far as i can tell from what i have been told she still deeply hates me.  blames me for her and the other man breaking up though i had nothing to do with it and only found out weeks after it had happened. 

the person i was kind of seeing is now no longer i the picture.  I ust never felt right about it and never wanted it to get serious anyways so i stopped hanging out with her before it got that far.  I still think of my wife often and lately have had some difficult nights but i have gotten thru them.  My wife is now pushing hard for the divorce.  and i am doing nothing to stop her.  im actually encouraging the progress.  we are going thru a hard custody fight right now for the children and that seems to be the biggest roadblock preventing us from ending this marriage now instead of later.  I still dont want it but i have no will left to continue to fight for something only i want.  I have left it all in gods hands now.  if we wrok this out it will be because of him not me.  i do still hope for her to come back though.  but at this point i doubt it.  she is to far gone and there is just to much stacked between us for it to ever happen.  I am going to wait and see how things play out first though and then go from there.
 
I ask that for those who care please continue to pray for us though. pray for a softening of her heart.  we need a miracle at this point for us to ever come back together and god is the only one who can fix this.

Offline Sinead

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Re: My wife is having multiple affairs and wants a divorce
« Reply #150 on: Sat Jan 07, 2012 - 16:46:49 »
well every body here is an update for you.  First off my wife kidnapped my kids and left out of state with them to ca.  she has been forced back and we have court on monday for her being in contempt.  Not sure what the outcome will be but it pretty much is guarenteed to be in my favor. 

My wife and the guy she has left me for broke up a week before christmas.  then got back to gether the day before christmas.  appparently because he wanted to be with another woman.  then on NYE he broke it off with her yet again and went to be with this other woman.  he has been playing mind games with my wifes heart kind of like she had done with me. despite all of this she is still in love with him and still wants him back.  he is going to be deploying here soon to afganastan and its unlikely they are going to workl it out.

I havent spoken to my wife since the events of aug. 1st.  i removed all signs of her of my social networking sites and blocked her as well as her friends.  as far as i can tell from what i have been told she still deeply hates me.  blames me for her and the other man breaking up though i had nothing to do with it and only found out weeks after it had happened. 

the person i was kind of seeing is now no longer i the picture.  I ust never felt right about it and never wanted it to get serious anyways so i stopped hanging out with her before it got that far.  I still think of my wife often and lately have had some difficult nights but i have gotten thru them.  My wife is now pushing hard for the divorce.  and i am doing nothing to stop her.  im actually encouraging the progress.  we are going thru a hard custody fight right now for the children and that seems to be the biggest roadblock preventing us from ending this marriage now instead of later.  I still dont want it but i have no will left to continue to fight for something only i want.  I have left it all in gods hands now.  if we wrok this out it will be because of him not me.  i do still hope for her to come back though.  but at this point i doubt it.  she is to far gone and there is just to much stacked between us for it to ever happen.  I am going to wait and see how things play out first though and then go from there.
 
I ask that for those who care please continue to pray for us though. pray for a softening of her heart.  we need a miracle at this point for us to ever come back together and god is the only one who can fix this.

I feel for you and i will pray for you - but there is a verse in the bible that states if the unsaved wants to leave - you should let them leave.

Offline anx

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Re: My wife is having multiple affairs and wants a divorce
« Reply #151 on: Sat Jan 07, 2012 - 23:37:11 »
Your wife has put you through so much because of her sin.

Her relationship ended like most of those do. People who are willing to date married people and call it love end up changing their mind and not valuing or caring about long term relationships.

You will get a lot of custody after she kidnapped the kids you were asking for earlier.

It's sad to read that you are hurting so much. I hope after the divorce (unless a miracle happens on her heart) that you can find happiness. Perhaps there is a Godly woman in your future. Your wife has chosen her path. God is calling her back, but I doubt she cares at all for God at this point. God will not override her free will to continue her sin and lifestyle. Perhaps she will find God, but my guess is she will resent both you and God for a long time.

Blessings

Edit: to do what she did you have to fill your head with lies and justifications. Reconciliation with you and God would mean admitting she was wrong and getting rid of all those thoughts. It's a difficult thing.
« Last Edit: Sun Jan 08, 2012 - 10:37:33 by anx »

Offline topman

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Re: My wife is having multiple affairs and wants a divorce
« Reply #152 on: Mon Jan 09, 2012 - 04:33:20 »
Tomcat,

Fist off - let me say thank you for your posts - which I read firstly last week and inspired me to start one of my own (Is it too late for God to save my wife and this marriage) - we do share similar stories similar to Hosea - -   other than death I do not know what else can be so damaging with what we are going through.  My wife and I separated after almost 2 years of marriage – in the time we were separated my wife had multiple affairs with a least 10 men and started a relationship with one of them in the end.  She kept these from me but they eventually surface as these things always do. I have tried countless times to save the marriage.  I made a decision last April that I would start proceedings Mar this year.
-   Lately I got hesitant if I was making the right decision – I applaud you for your faith – almost child-like faith which is true faith and the one required for such a nightmare we are going through.  I think sometimes we all get to that point where we have to accept reality.
-   Is it too late for God to save your our wives and our marriages – definitely as He is God – it is never too late – however it has to come from a place of ‘choice’ ‘free will’ – we have made that choice out of our God given free will to save our marriage to literally ‘go to hell’ to get our wives back – but they choose to continue the way they are. I have now left my wife in the hands of God – what we can do now is not use our emotion energy on them anymore but on building our foundations with God and our children.
I can no longer be emotionally invested in thinking of my wife and the hurt she has caused – this is no easy task – I literally with the help of the Holy Spirit have to kill my old self – I need to start anew – I need to separate mentally and spiritually from her – I need to remind myself of this every day. I would also suggest you attending maybe a separation and divorce course. I did late last year and I am going to do another by the end of the year – as soon as I know I have to start processing the Decree Absolute – it would be complete closure. And my hands are finally not shaking – I am not saying that will close everything and the pain will go away – but it will close that part of your life and you will have the spiritual release to start afresh.
In conclusion that is why it hurts so much – yes you did make a commitment and now that you see it through God’s eyes – it makes it harder to break that covenant – what ever decision you make its yours but from what I have been through I can advise fight that battle in your mind (do I make it work or not) – make a decision and stick to it – God’s will it will be the right one – I know I have made the right one.

Offline tomcatf14g

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Re: My wife is having multiple affairs and wants a divorce
« Reply #153 on: Mon Jan 09, 2012 - 15:04:24 »
w court was continued until the 30th.  i had to listen to my wife scream and yell all morning in the court house today.  the judge was very unhappy with her and made it clear that if my allegations prove to be true (which they are) she is facing jail time and will be losing custody of the children.  she has been ordered to obey the current rulings and if she does not comply she will be immidately incarcerated and i will get the chiildren automatically.  i dont want to see her in jail, and thats very likely where she is heading.  i hate to resort to this, its only gonna drive a deeper wedge between us but i have to fight for my children so i must remain tough. 

it was hard to be around her again. i havent seen or talked to her in months and i had to hide all my emotions.  i didnt once look at her, i walked past her as if she wasnt even there. i refused to acknowledge her presense which seemed to anger her even more.  though her and the guy she left me for are split up she was sure flaunting her big shinny engagment ring from him.  i just ignored it but i wont lie it hurt.  it hurt to be so close to her and not be able to say what i really feel. part of me wanted to reach out and hold her and part of me just wanted to slap her silly(not that i ever would do that, just felt like it)

being near her excite me and sickens me all at the same time if that makes any sense. i still hope for my marriage to somehow miraclously recover from all of this but every event only makes that possibility more and more impossible.

But i will keep praying, keep hoping, keep wishing, for the best but prepare for the worst.  i will fight this war and wait to see how it all plays out. for now she is still my wife, i still am in love with her, and i still only want her.  but until she makes the moves towards reconcilation i have to set those thoughts and feelings aside and fight as hard as i can to get my children.  they are better off with me then they are with her.  they need consistancy, stability and an abundent amount of love. things she is currently not cable of or even willing to provide at this point.

Offline topman

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Re: My wife is having multiple affairs and wants a divorce
« Reply #154 on: Thu Jan 12, 2012 - 07:16:25 »
Hi Tom - I pray for you and your family everyday - the thing is with family and very close friends sometimes we still feel lonely - I have learnt to rely on that one constant (I am trying not to even rely on myself anymore) - the one constant is God.

This is not your batte but His - just look back to how things were when you first started this blog and the good things He has done for you - you did not see it then but now you do.  We need to remember that.

The battle might not end and it might feel that there is no end in site - but He will still be there with us.

From what you are saying - it seems the kids will defintely be coming to you which is the best for them - its only God that can understand what's going on in your wife's head (I dont think she even knows) - as for the ring - her new relationship is fickle and not built on good foundations so will not last any storms - as for wanting to shake her (I relate) - you have seen the best of her before - you know she is selling her life short - she is worth more in Gold than what she has done to herself - only her can come to that realisation - its not our job - so unforutnately shaking - might feel good for awhile - but wont work and you would have a few officers tackling you within 2 secs.

Anyway - hang on my brother - we are not alone - and I understand - God bless

Offline mrhide

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Re: My wife is having multiple affairs and wants a divorce
« Reply #155 on: Fri Jan 13, 2012 - 00:44:21 »
Tomcat

Your priorities now are God, then you and your children. Don’t let your obsession with your wife interfere with those priorities. You have said many times that it is in God’s hands so now act accordingly. Also remember, God is not going to overrule your wife’s free will. God can but He won’t. Your children need you to make God and them your top priorities.

Offline chosenone

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Re: My wife is having multiple affairs and wants a divorce
« Reply #156 on: Fri Jan 13, 2012 - 05:04:08 »
Tomcat

Your priorities now are God, then you and your children. Don’t let your obsession with your wife interfere with those priorities. You have said many times that it is in God’s hands so now act accordingly. Also remember, God is not going to overrule your wife’s free will. God can but He won’t. Your children need you to make God and them your top priorities.
 

 Totally agree. The children need you and I am glad that it seems they will be with you permanently. I am sure that God was in that as well. They will be damaged to be with a mother like that.
Sometimes God just cant get through to a person and has to instead look after and protect the innocent ones.

Offline tomcatf14g

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Re: My wife is having multiple affairs and wants a divorce
« Reply #157 on: Tue Feb 07, 2012 - 15:24:21 »
So my anniversary is the day after tomorrow and I'm not doing to well. I'm overwhelmed right now with memories thoughts and feeling concerning my wife. I've been crying for the last few days and as the day gets closer it gets even harder. Everything I've done over the last few months to refocus my energy and my mind is not working. My heart is calling out for her. A call that will never be answered again. Everywhere I go. No matter what I do I find constant reminders of her and us. Prayer is not helping. I don't know how I'm going to get thru this but I must. I have to. Why is it still so hard for me. Why do I still love her so very much. I just wanna to call her. hear her voice once more. But I can't and I won't. But I cqnt continue like this. It's tearing me apart. Please pray for me. Pray for her. Pray for my children. Pray for my family. We need it now more than ever

 

     
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