w court was continued until the 30th. i had to listen to my wife scream and yell all morning in the court house today. the judge was very unhappy with her and made it clear that if my allegations prove to be true (which they are) she is facing jail time and will be losing custody of the children. she has been ordered to obey the current rulings and if she does not comply she will be immidately incarcerated and i will get the chiildren automatically. i dont want to see her in jail, and thats very likely where she is heading. i hate to resort to this, its only gonna drive a deeper wedge between us but i have to fight for my children so i must remain tough.
it was hard to be around her again. i havent seen or talked to her in months and i had to hide all my emotions. i didnt once look at her, i walked past her as if she wasnt even there. i refused to acknowledge her presense which seemed to anger her even more. though her and the guy she left me for are split up she was sure flaunting her big shinny engagment ring from him. i just ignored it but i wont lie it hurt. it hurt to be so close to her and not be able to say what i really feel. part of me wanted to reach out and hold her and part of me just wanted to slap her silly(not that i ever would do that, just felt like it)
being near her excite me and sickens me all at the same time if that makes any sense. i still hope for my marriage to somehow miraclously recover from all of this but every event only makes that possibility more and more impossible.
But i will keep praying, keep hoping, keep wishing, for the best but prepare for the worst. i will fight this war and wait to see how it all plays out. for now she is still my wife, i still am in love with her, and i still only want her. but until she makes the moves towards reconcilation i have to set those thoughts and feelings aside and fight as hard as i can to get my children. they are better off with me then they are with her. they need consistancy, stability and an abundent amount of love. things she is currently not cable of or even willing to provide at this point.