My wife is not a Christian

[Home At Last]

It seems, more often than not, that it is the husband who is not the Christian.  My situation is what it is because I walked away from the faith about 30 years ago and married a non-Christian.  A little over a year ago I became found, and now pursue an active life of faith.

Although she attends church, she is highly resistant to any kind of commitment.

I often speak with my pastor, and as possible, with others in the church.  Specific prayer is daily, at a minimum.

There is a great deal I could say to provide more insight, but for now perhaps someone will offer some reflection.

[Rella]

When you say she is not Christian,how do you mean that?

Is she of another faith? Is she an atheist/agnostic? What?

[Home At Last]

She has a Roman Catholic background, but has not practiced that for well over 45 years.  She is a universalist, in that all people, and animals, go to some sort of heaven.  The Bible is not a special revelation.  Biblical miracles are suspect.  Insofar as "salvation" is important, it comes through trying to do good, which pleases God.  Church attendance may provide some benefit for social guidance.

We are both in our mid-sixties, married nearly twenty years, no children together.

[Rella]

She has a Roman Catholic background, but has not practiced that for well over 45 years.  She is a universalist, in that all people, and animals, go to some sort of heaven.  The Bible is not a special revelation.  Biblical miracles are suspect.  Insofar as "salvation" is important, it comes through trying to do good, which pleases God.  Church attendance may provide some benefit for social guidance.

We are both in our mid-sixties, married nearly twenty years, no children together.

Who does she say Jesus was/is?

There are some denominations that believe all go to heaven. I often hear the argument that a loving God would not send people to hell type thing.

Is she at all interested in learning anything about being a Christian?

If not have you asked her why not?

[Home At Last]

Who does she say Jesus was/is?

There are some denominations that believe all go to heaven. I often hear the argument that a loving God would not send people to hell type thing.

Is she at all interested in learning anything about being a Christian?

If not have you asked her why not?

She believes Jesus actually walked the earth as a good person. She does not believe He has any claim on her, or authority.  The concept of Son of God, Eternal Word, Redeemer, Judge, God With Us...none of that strikes a chord in the  sense it is revealed to us.

She believes she is a Christian, at least in whatever sense being one has any importance.  But since we have no assurance that there is such a thing as revealed truth, being a Christian isn't all that relevant.

In a nutshell, she is agnostic.  Such things as righteousness, holiness of God, sin, salvation are not high on her list.

She was caught off guard by my return to the faith, and is not quite sure what to make of it.  As my second wife, she was not present and did not know me during 20 years of Bible College, located ministry, and seminary.  I sense she never thought I would return.  It has her off balance.

My daily prayer is that she receive a new heart, that she be called and regenerated by the Spirit.  Beyond that I am limited, as she has made it clear she does not want me talking to her about her relationship to God.

[Rella]

She believes Jesus actually walked the earth as a good person. She does not believe He has any claim on her, or authority.  The concept of Son of God, Eternal Word, Redeemer, Judge, God With Us...none of that strikes a chord in the  sense it is revealed to us.

She believes she is a Christian, at least in whatever sense being one has any importance.  But since we have no assurance that there is such a thing as revealed truth, being a Christian isn't all that relevant.

In a nutshell, she is agnostic.  Such things as righteousness, holiness of God, sin, salvation are not high on her list.

She was caught off guard by my return to the faith, and is not quite sure what to make of it.  As my second wife, she was not present and did not know me during 20 years of Bible College, located ministry, and seminary.  I sense she never thought I would return.  It has her off balance.

My daily prayer is that she receive a new heart, that she be called and regenerated by the Spirit.  Beyond that I am limited, as she has made it clear she does not want me talking to her about her relationship to God.

I truly am sorry that you are going through this.

And equally sorry that she is not experiencing the joy of being a child of God.

I have no words of wisdom but I  I pray that God give you those that are needed.

I sense she may be looking for something but does not want to open up about it. Perhaps her church attendance is her hope ,even unknown to her, in that a spark will happen there and from there she will grow, but you certainly cannot talk to her, I understand.

Your continued prayers are what you need. For her to open her heart and hear what God is saying to her.

[Home At Last]

I can't tell you how much I appreciate what you said.  One of my greatest needs right now is a sense that I am not alone in this.  I do not say that because I want sympathy.  I say that because I know myself--that if I try to think it through alone, I go into dangerous territory.

My renewed faith and prayer life has allowed me to see that I am subject to all kinds of frailty, error, sin that I wouldn't have recognized 30 years ago.  I need insights, encouragement, and prayer from brothers and sisters.  Even more I need guidance from the Holy Spirit.

I love my wife and I want the best for her.  God alone knows what is best.  Should He choose not to bring her to life, then somehow that is best.

Thank you Rella.  I hope someone else is checking in.  I know there is a lot of wisdom out there.

[4WD]

I love my wife and I want the best for her.  God alone knows what is best.  Should He choose not to bring her to life, then somehow that is best.

It seems to me that if you really believed that you would not be concerned.  But you are concerned and you know that it really is her, not God, that is making the choice.  We all face similar situations and concerns whether it is a spouse, a child, a grandchild, a really good friend or a neighbor you don't even like.

The truth is in God's word, the Bible.  All that is needed for anyone to make the right choice is there.  Unfortunately, not everyone reads (or hears) and says yes.  But don't give up.  And just as it took you a long time, there is always hope for another.

[Rella]

It seems to me that if you really believed that you would not be concerned.  But you are concerned and you know that it really is her, not God, that is making the choice.  We all face similar situations and concerns whether it is a spouse, a child, a grandchild, a really good friend or a neighbor you don't even like.

The truth is in God's word, the Bible.  All that is needed for anyone to make the right choice is there.  Unfortunately, not everyone reads (or hears) and says yes.  But don't give up.  And just as it took you a long time, there is always hope for another.

Yes, the truth is in the bible.

But if the woman will not read it, one cannot force her. She has a Roman Catholic background, but not for 45 years.

Still... one tends to retain and fall back on original beliefss and teachings when one is stumbling through life with no clear direction. The RC churches around here never did encourage bible reading... not when I was a child, more the 60 years ago and not now. They are all about sitting in that pew and getting their teaching from the priest .

That may be one reason she attends church .

I am glad she does, but if you are honest she will not get from the pulpit that driving need to learn what she needs to.

I think she want to. I think she just is following her youth of church attendance but has a block to actually wanting to jump in and be where we all are striving to be.

[Home At Last]

...The RC churches around here never did encourage bible reading....They are all about sitting in that pew and getting their teaching from the priest .

That may be one reason she attends church .

I am glad she does, but if you are honest she will not get from the pulpit that driving need to learn what she needs to.

I think she want to. I think she just is following her youth of church attendance but has a block to actually wanting to jump in and be where we all are striving to be.

The truth is in God's word, the Bible.  All that is needed for anyone to make the right choice is there.  Unfortunately, not everyone reads (or hears) and says yes.  But don't give up.  And just as it took you a long time, there is always hope for another.

It goes back to the ancient mystery of which to accept: that God hardened Pharoah's heart, or Pharoah hardened his own heart.  According to the text, both happened.
On the one hand God "desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth." I Tim 2:4
On the other hand "God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil." II Tim. 2:25-26
My wife is responsible to seek God in repentance and faith, AND God is gracious to extend the call.

I am responsible to be a good witness to her.  I have no power to change her heart, but I want to cooperate with God, who can.

It does seem that she attends church out of some sense of responsibility.  Christian activity beyond that is a waste of time.  Reading the Bible, listening to hymns, Wednesday night studies, personal prayer--these things actually irritate her.  I am having to learn how to go about these things without incensing her.  On the one hand I don't want to provoke and irritate.  On the other, I don't want to drop the furthering of my personal relation to God.

[chosenone]

Hi there, remember that its not her who has changed but you. She married you thinking you were not a believer. Don't pressure her, just be a good husband, say nothing but pray for her. I have a friend who prayed for her husband for about 40 years, another for even longer before they became a Christian. Not saying that it will take a long time, but it may.
If she is happy for you to go to church and meetings then go. Many married people have to go without their spouses. Its good that she will go to church with you. No reason for you to drop the furthering of your relationship with God at all.   

[Home At Last]

Hi there, remember that its not her who has changed but you. She married you thinking you were not a believer. Don't pressure her, just be a good husband, say nothing but pray for her. I have a friend who prayed for her husband for about 40 years, another for even longer before they became a Christian. Not saying that it will take a long time, but it may.
If she is happy for you to go to church and meetings then go. Many married people have to go without their spouses. Its good that she will go to church with you. No reason for you to drop the furthering of your relationship with God at all.

I'm over a year into this process, which has given me a lot of opportunity to grow.  Much of it is forced growth, almost like a crash course.  God has allowed me to learn about my own inadequacies and sins in ways I never imagined when I was attempting to walk the Christian life 30 years ago.  Daily Bible study and prayer, along with the reading of numerous books, has greatly opened my eyes and heart.  Most of all, I am a sinner, totally helpless, but saved by grace, and being equipped for service.  What you say is very true.  Augustine's mother prayed for her wayward husband, and also for her sinful son, for years, often with anguished tears.  I experience the anguish also, and the prayers are daily.

My wife has no idea how many people pray for her.  I have to be careful about those requests, but I make them regularly.

I am aware that my wife may never come to faith...I cannot determine how the Spirit works, nor read the mind of the Father.  My pastor has taught me to seek God's peace in the midst of this drama.

Thank you for your words.  I need such fellowship.  "The accuser of our brethren" works hard to unseat my confidence that God is very much aware of the struggle, and cares.

[chosenone]

I'm over a year into this process, which has given me a lot of opportunity to grow.  Much of it is forced growth, almost like a crash course.  God has allowed me to learn about my own inadequacies and sins in ways I never imagined when I was attempting to walk the Christian life 30 years ago.  Daily Bible study and prayer, along with the reading of numerous books, has greatly opened my eyes and heart.  Most of all, I am a sinner, totally helpless, but saved by grace, and being equipped for service.  What you say is very true.  Augustine's mother prayed for her wayward husband, and also for her sinful son, for years, often with anguished tears.  I experience the anguish also, and the prayers are daily.

My wife has no idea how many people pray for her.  I have to be careful about those requests, but I make them regularly.

I am aware that my wife may never come to faith...I cannot determine how the Spirit works, nor read the mind of the Father.  My pastor has taught me to seek God's peace in the midst of this drama.

Thank you for your words.  I need such fellowship.  "The accuser of our brethren" works hard to unseat my confidence that God is very much aware of the struggle, and cares.

Good for you. I think that as we mature more and get older we do see things differently. I have friends with non Christian husbands and its not easy at all. My first husband wasn't and my second husband is, what a difference it makes. I guess that's why God says not to marry a non believer,  but many like you come back to Christ or find Him for the first time after they marry, so you can only carry on praying for her and getting closer to God yourself. In the end we can only be responsible for our own decisions.

[Rella]

It would be well for you to read and study on 1 Cor 7:14

For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.

In this case the word sanctified means “set apart, made holy or made set apart for some purpose, made clean.”

That is not to say saved but is made clean.

You need keep up your prayers and allow God to work in her.

I sense she wants to but is maybe afraid.

[Home At Last]

It would be well for you to read and study on 1 Cor 7:14....

My pastor reminded me of this as well.  The complete passage is rich.  Since I (incurring much guilt) divorced my first wife, I need what Paul says about remaining with the unbelieving husband/wife, yet allowing them to depart if they so choose.  My wife has spoken of divorce and currently does not wear her ring.  Although it may be a ploy to make me see just how seriously she dislikes my re-found faith, I have to treat it as a serious threat for now.  If she leaves, she leaves.  As long as she does not, your words about her "set apart" state are very important.  I see both my marriage and her salvation AND my continued growth in limbo.  It is all in the hands of God.  Further, it is all part of my need to "work out my own salvation with fear and trembling."

[chosenone]

My pastor reminded me of this as well.  The complete passage is rich.  Since I (incurring much guilt) divorced my first wife, I need what Paul says about remaining with the unbelieving husband/wife, yet allowing them to depart if they so choose.  My wife has spoken of divorce and currently does not wear her ring.  Although it may be a ploy to make me see just how seriously she dislikes my re-found faith, I have to treat it as a serious threat for now.  If she leaves, she leaves.  As long as she does not, your words about her "set apart" state are very important.  I see both my marriage and her salvation AND my continued growth in limbo.  It is all in the hands of God.  Further, it is all part of my need to "work out my own salvation with fear and trembling."

That would be very sad if she divorced you merely because you have returned to your faith. She must really hate Christianity. 

[Home At Last]

I don't think it will come to divorce, but she took off my ring a couple weeks ago and moved out of the bedroom.  My feeling is these are ploys, but I don't know.  She may be trying to goad me into divorcing her.  Paul makes it clear (I Cor 7) that if the unbeliever chooses to depart, we let them go.  But we do not do so.

Someone earlier said she may be scared, and that is likely the case.  She wants to do marriage counseling, and that's okay, we can.  However, I don't think that is the solution.  I must not allow pride to direct me, so I will consent to marriage counseling.  Satan is a crafty schemer and I don't want to get misguided.  I must continue to pray.

[Rella]

That would be very sad if she divorced you merely because you have returned to your faith. She must really hate Christianity.

Yet OP said she does attend church.

[Rella]

I must not allow pride to direct me, so I will consent to marriage counseling. 

A wise move.

It would be best if you could see a Christian counselor, but that would send her running for the hills.

If not, ask her if there is one she would like to see?

That way you will not be perceived trying to influence her.

If not ask your minister if he can refer someone. One that will not bring faith into the mix right up front. You might ask him anyway so you would have a name right away if she says no.

[Home At Last]

A Christian counselor would definitely be best, yes.  I don't think that will be a problem.  She hasn't said a lot about counseling recently so maybe that will cease.

Something I am really curious about: When I was still active as a pastor, there were many more non-Christian husbands than non-Christian wives.  I assume that to be the case still.  Are there men out there in my situation who might provide unique insight?  If not, not a problem.  Truth is, just having responses has been a tremendous encouragement to me.

[chosenone]

A Christian counselor would definitely be best, yes.  I don't think that will be a problem.  She hasn't said a lot about counseling recently so maybe that will cease.

Something I am really curious about: When I was still active as a pastor, there were many more non-Christian husbands than non-Christian wives.  I assume that to be the case still.  Are there men out there in my situation who might provide unique insight?  If not, not a problem.  Truth is, just having responses has been a tremendous encouragement to me.

Yes there do seem to be far more Christian wives with non believing husbands, than the other way round. I did know one man many years whose wife wasn't a Christian and didn't attend church with him. Cant think of any other men in that boat I have known.

[Home At Last]

I did know one such man from the mid 1970's.  He was actually a close friend of mine in a nearby church.  It was very similar to my situation, in that she was an inactive Roman Catholic who did not want to be talked to about Christ, but did attend worship with him.  He was about 15 years older than I, so may now be dead.  I once tried to witness to her and she became very angry with him later.

I am going to see if I can get contact information for them.  If  I can locate her, I'll simply ask how it turned out.  They were hundreds of miles away.  Worst case scenario she would simply hang up on me.  If she became a Christian though, it would help me to hear about the process.

(I keep hoping there is a brother on this site who will stumble across the thread and post something.)

[Home At Last]

I thought I'd follow up on my last post.  I was able to locate the individual I was talking about who was married to a Catholic and became a Christian.  It turns out he has died.  I trust he has gone on to be with the Lord.  I was able to get his wife's phone number, and we talked for sometime.  We always got along fine, and it was a good conversation.  Apparently she is still a Catholic.  I had hoped to hear of a conversion. 

It makes me even more aware of how pernicious are the ways of Satan.  I hate to think that my wife will never be regenerated, but it is not in my hands.  I still continue to pray. 

[Home At Last]

I have some follow up that is probably more confessional than anything else.

My recent Bible reading and devotion had me in Ezra, and now Nehemiah.  I had read those books before, but sadly, not with genuine interest—what a loss to me!  Ezra is the great history of God’s use of Cyrus king of Persia, Ezra, and others to bring about restoration of Israel to their homeland after the deportation to Babylon in 586 BC by Nebuchadnezzar.

Cyrus, a thoroughgoing pagan, empowers the Jews to rebuild Jerusalem.  He places in their hands not only items restored from the temple after it was ransacked, but also documents needed to authorize the rebuilding, and to supply the builders with goods.

The work under Ezra is highly successful.  However, like any other righteous work, man’s sinfulness is present.  Several years into the process, it comes to the attention of Ezra that many of his fellow Hebrews have chosen pagans as wives, and many have had children.  The response of Ezra is overwhelming.  His grief is recorded in the ninth chapter, followed by a call to repentance.  In addition, the detractors are called on to “put away” these wives of pagan beliefs.
Amazingly, the book of Ezra ends with a list of the many who took this defection from faith, and with no real resolution.  A couple of decades later, the problem reemerges in Nehemiah.  Sadly, this man of God must continue to deal with the same evil situation.

The reading hit my spirit like a sledgehammer.  I have, over the past year and a half since my repentance and return to the fold, leaned heavily on my own innocence, knowing myself to be the Christian, and my wife to be in resistance to the call of God.  (And actually, that is a realistic assessment.)

However, I am the one, after all, who chose to leave a Christian wife thirty years ago.  Yes, it was a bad marriage, and yes, there was lots of pain to go around, with guilt on both sides.  Nonetheless, I made the choice.

God, in his infinite love and mercy, will continue to guide, guard, and direct.  It is up to me, however, to recognize that, having chosen a path of rebellion, I am called to walk among thorns.  I believe in his grace, and know that healing has taken place, and will continue to take place.

Praise God’s holy name for I Corinthians 7, and Paul’s revealed teaching about not divorcing a spouse because one finds them outside the faith.  Were it not for that, Ezra’s words would move me in the direction of divorce.  I am confident that the Holy Spirit led Paul (who after all said, “To the rest I say [I, not the Lord] that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her”) to reveal that teaching in order to do away with any confusion to Christians on this issue.

So…anyway…good to have an outlet in this forum.  As I progress in faith and in my new church home, I will find more friends and brothers to share with (some of which I already have).