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Offline TJW343

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My wife wants to separate
« on: Fri Sep 09, 2016 - 20:35:21 »
My wife & I have been married for almost 16 years, both our 2nd marriage.  A few years ago, she began talking about how her emotions were damaged, and that we should separate.

My own experience with my prior divorce has taught me that separation often invariably leads to divorce, since the absence of conflict (due to the separation) makes things more peaceful, and thereby can remove the incentive to get together again, since the problems will simply reappear.  (that was just a commentary about separation)  The fact is, we don't have much conflict between us.

I have seen a distance growing between us in a number of areas - she often spends half the night or more on the couch, if not the entire night.  I have many, many times told her that I wanted her to be upstairs with me, (and that I would abstain from sex if she wanted) - but that usually isnt' the problem.  She has convinced herself that I really don't love her, although I know that I do. 

About a year ago she said that come June (2015) I would have to move out, but it never happened.  I often feel that she wants my "permission" to divorce, to let her go as it were.  But I already have had one unbiblical divorce, and have no intention EVER of doing that again.  Just this evening (Sept 9, 2016) she brought it  up again, fairly emphatically.  She wants to "test" our relationship by having us live a year apart, to "see if its real" - "to see if I really care" - etc.

She has said that I will feel so free that I will eagerly embrace the dating world again.  Let me state up front that I am 61 years old, and have NO DESIRE AT ALL to start over again.  I love her dearly, and truly enjoy her company.   Yes, early on in our marriage I took things for granted, but I stopped doing that a long time ago.   

Perhaps I should relate a story to give an example of how my wife thinks.  One time, (over 10 years ago) we went to the beach.  I left something at the car, and left to go get it, while she remained on the blanket.  While walking, I became distracted by a woman in a bikini, and almost walked into a lifeguard chair.  I didn't realize that she had seen this happen. 

When I returned to our blanket, she waited a few minutes, and then told me that she could find the woman for me, and introduce me, since I was obviously attracted to her.  She became quite insistent with this.  We left to go home soon after, and for over ten years after that incident, she refused to go to the beach with me again - citing what happened several times to myself, and others.  It was unbelievable!   

Finally, this year, 2016 - some twelve years after it happened, we went to the beach together again for the first time.  Oh - I didn't go to the beach alone, as I had no desire to do so, so I didn't go during that entire time either.   My point here is that she has a strong tendency to hold on to things, especially negative ones...


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My wife wants to separate
« on: Fri Sep 09, 2016 - 20:35:21 »

Offline chosenone

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Re: My wife wants to separate
« Reply #1 on: Fri Sep 09, 2016 - 22:47:45 »
My advise would be to seek Christian marriage counseling. She appears to have no reason to end the marriage. Do you guys have a good church? IF so is there another mature Christian couple there who you could regularly meet with and who could pray with you both?

Also don't move out. I know so many couples where the man didn't want the marriage to end, but he let the wife make him leave the home. Its a bad idea because I doubt you will ever be able to move back in. If she is intent on ending the marriage, then let her do it. Let her do the hard work and find somewhere else to live and do all the legal stuff. Don't enable her behaviour. Maybe tell her this, that you don't want the marriage to end, that you will never leave her nor divorce her, and that you won't be leaving your home under any circumstances.

Also can you both see the pastor? He will hopefully show her that God tells wives not to separate, and also that divorce isnt an option if you have no Biblical reason. Depending on how much she loves God and wants to do his will, it may help.
« Last Edit: Fri Sep 09, 2016 - 22:50:23 by chosenone »

Offline TJW343

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Re: My wife wants to separate
« Reply #2 on: Sat Sep 10, 2016 - 20:21:25 »
HI - thanks for replying.  Early on in our marriage, we had several counselors, most of whom were unable effect much change at all.  So my wife is turned off at the idea of talking to a counselor per se, but MAY talk to our pastor.

Our church is pretty good, considering its in New England, which is a place known for sort of "dry" churches if you will.  She has no reason to end the marriage at all.  Also, although she is friendly with people, she has no female friends.  I have told her MANY times that I do NOT want the marriage to end, that I married her for LIFE.  For some strange reason, she is convinced that if we were to separate, I would soon be drawn to another woman, and want to start dating.  It doesn't matter that I've told her that I was very happy to give up the dating life, as I never liked it at all - so many disappointments, so many lies, games, etc...  No, I am not drawn to that life whatsoever.   If we were to divorce, (not by my choice at all) - I would probably get myself "fixed" so as to be unable to have sex again.  I say that because I do enjoy it very much, but do not want to get into that type of sin ever again.  And besides, the commandments of our Lord in Matt 9 & 19 really preclude another marriage anyway.

I covet anyone's prayers about this situation...

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Re: My wife wants to separate
« Reply #2 on: Sat Sep 10, 2016 - 20:21:25 »

Offline Jason_NC

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Re: My wife wants to separate
« Reply #3 on: Mon Sep 12, 2016 - 18:56:12 »
Describe the Christian Counseling you received?  Now a days most "Christian Counseling" is counseling using the same secular philosophies just done by a Christian.  Secular counseling philosophies are worthless to Christians.  Find yourself a good biblical counselor.  They use scripture as the source of truth. 

Here is a link to help you find someone who could help: https://biblicalcounseling.com/counselors/

She questions your love for her.  Why do you think that is?  How are you expressing your love for her?  Is it in ways that are meaningful to her or meaningful to you?  Are you loving her as Christ loved the church?  Sacrificially?




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Re: My wife wants to separate
« Reply #3 on: Mon Sep 12, 2016 - 18:56:12 »

Offline TJW343

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Re: My wife wants to separate
« Reply #4 on: Mon Sep 12, 2016 - 19:13:05 »
She really has no complaints NOW - but refers back to how things were years ago, when I was taking her for granted.  But this has stopped for a number of years now...she just keeps holding on to that time - says she is "emotionally damaged".  What really gets me is that we can have a really wonderful weekend for example, or take a short trip together - in which we laugh a lot & really get along well - and then she will STILL bring up the on-going sentiment in her mind that I should move to "see if I really love her or not". 

There is really only one way I would actually move out - via a direct leading from the Lord.  Because otherwise I would have to force myself to do that, and most of the time forced solutions do not work at all...

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Re: My wife wants to separate
« Reply #4 on: Mon Sep 12, 2016 - 19:13:05 »



Offline RB

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Re: My wife wants to separate
« Reply #5 on: Tue Sep 13, 2016 - 04:51:20 »
Also can you both see the pastor?
My opinion is this is bad advice. No man should have a right to your private life, and marriage problems between a man and his wife. They have problems as well, and in many cases more, just hidden. I have lived long enough to see where a few ungodly men have taken advantage of such private information. Ministers are called to preach the gospel of Jesus Christ, not to get involved with marriage problems and other such things. If anything, this gentleman should seek out a godly woman whom they are close to and let that woman speak with his wife, and tell her that she is wrong about her little precious feelings wondering if she is really loved AS MUCH as she thinks she should be.
Quote
Perhaps I should relate a story to give an example of how my wife thinks.  One time, (over 10 years ago) we went to the beach.  I left something at the car, and left to go get it, while she remained on the blanket.  While walking, I became distracted by a woman in a bikini, and almost walked into a lifeguard chair.  I didn't realize that she had seen this happen. 
Well now, you are just reaping a little of what you have sowed in the past. We are commanded to love our wives and let HER BREAST satisfy us at all times.
Quote
Proverbs 5:15-19....even verse 20 should be read also~"Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of thine own well. Let thy fountains be dispersed abroad, and rivers of waters in the streets. Let them be only thine own, and not strangers' with thee. Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love."
Contentment with your wife is crucial to a happy marriage. Solomon warned his son to make three important choices – cherish his wife tenderly as a delicate object of affection, focus on her body and sexuality only, and let her affection and devotion consume him. This inspired proverb contains some of the most necessary marital advice for husbands. A man can profit very much by learning and doing this wisdom and that in Colossians 3:19.

I would not allow this to cause bitterness, and neither would I allow my wife to act childlish~she would not tell me but one time she wants a separation for a period of time, she just might get more than she asked for. But, if a man lets bitterness harden him toward his wife, desires the bodies of other women, or despises his wife’s efforts to be his lover, he will destroy his marriage, his sexuality, and his soul. Discontentment, especially in marriage, has terrible consequences. It must be nip in the bud. Beware! The blessed God, who knows more about marital love and pleasure than all men combined, gave invaluable instruction to those who will humble themselves, hear it, and apply it.

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Re: My wife wants to separate
« Reply #5 on: Tue Sep 13, 2016 - 04:51:20 »

Offline Texas Conservative

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Re: My wife wants to separate
« Reply #6 on: Tue Sep 13, 2016 - 06:14:58 »
Also can you both see the pastor?
My opinion is this is bad advice. No man should have a right to your private life, and marriage problems between a man and his wife. They have problems as well, and in many cases more, just hidden. I have lived long enough to see where a few ungodly men have taken advantage of such private information. Ministers are called to preach the gospel of Jesus Christ, not to get involved with marriage problems and other such things. If anything, this gentleman should seek out a godly woman whom they are close to and let that woman speak with his wife, and tell her that she is wrong about her little precious feelings wondering if she is really loved AS MUCH as she thinks she should be.
Quote
Perhaps I should relate a story to give an example of how my wife thinks.  One time, (over 10 years ago) we went to the beach.  I left something at the car, and left to go get it, while she remained on the blanket.  While walking, I became distracted by a woman in a bikini, and almost walked into a lifeguard chair.  I didn't realize that she had seen this happen. 
Well now, you are just reaping a little of what you have sowed in the past. We are commanded to love our wives and let HER BREAST satisfy us at all times.
Quote
Proverbs 5:15-19....even verse 20 should be read also~"Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of thine own well. Let thy fountains be dispersed abroad, and rivers of waters in the streets. Let them be only thine own, and not strangers' with thee. Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love."
Contentment with your wife is crucial to a happy marriage. Solomon warned his son to make three important choices – cherish his wife tenderly as a delicate object of affection, focus on her body and sexuality only, and let her affection and devotion consume him. This inspired proverb contains some of the most necessary marital advice for husbands. A man can profit very much by learning and doing this wisdom and that in Colossians 3:19.

I would not allow this to cause bitterness, and neither would I allow my wife to act childlish~she would not tell me but one time she wants a separation for a period of time, she just might get more than she asked for. But, if a man lets bitterness harden him toward his wife, desires the bodies of other women, or despises his wife’s efforts to be his lover, he will destroy his marriage, his sexuality, and his soul. Discontentment, especially in marriage, has terrible consequences. It must be nip in the bud. Beware! The blessed God, who knows more about marital love and pleasure than all men combined, gave invaluable instruction to those who will humble themselves, hear it, and apply it.

Wrong about the minister part.  If he is a Pastor, he is called to be a shepherd of the flock.  You are worried about a private life but yet then advise going to a "godly woman" as if there is no chance of private info being shared there?

If the wife is dwelling on one time the husband got caught looking at a woman years ago, she is full of bitterness.   She is in the wrong.

Offline RB

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Re: My wife wants to separate
« Reply #7 on: Tue Sep 13, 2016 - 07:20:25 »
You are worried about a private life but yet then advise going to a "godly woman" as if there is no chance of private info being shared there?
TC, it's NOT the sharing that I would disagree with, for most likely neither would; it's allowing another man into your bedroom and private life. Another godly woman sharing her godly input would be more profitable~ and, a woman might feel as though a man just does not understand her precious little feelings~at least precious as far as she is concerned. But, then again, we all are sharing what we personally believe is best, based on our bible knowledge. 

One more thought~there is no such doctrine taught where ONE MAN is over a body of believers, and whatever he said is the law of God that must be follow OR ELSE, you are not following God's word and are living in rebellion against God. There are such men out there who believe that they have the authority from God to tell husbands and wife how they should live, where they should live, how they should spend their money, what kind of cars they should drive, how often they should have sex, and the manner in which you should have it, etc. etc.  I know such self-inflated egos.   

Offline Texas Conservative

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Re: My wife wants to separate
« Reply #8 on: Tue Sep 13, 2016 - 07:29:36 »
But you would allow another woman?

 ::headscratch::

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Re: My wife wants to separate
« Reply #8 on: Tue Sep 13, 2016 - 07:29:36 »

Offline TonkaTim

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Re: My wife wants to separate
« Reply #9 on: Tue Sep 13, 2016 - 07:56:00 »
I think Red is on the right track due to these scriptures;

"3 The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; 4 That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, 5 To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed." - Titus 2



Offline TonkaTim

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Re: My wife wants to separate
« Reply #10 on: Tue Sep 13, 2016 - 07:59:37 »
I think Red is on the right track due to these scriptures;

"3 The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; 4 That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, 5 To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed." - Titus 2


But the same or worse problems that Red points outs above with men with control issues can also be had with women who have the same busybody control issues.

Offline RB

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Re: My wife wants to separate
« Reply #11 on: Tue Sep 13, 2016 - 08:00:09 »
But you would allow another woman?
Not just any woman, but yes a woman over a man, anyday.
Quote
::headscratch::
Brother, why should this be so confusing in light of such scriptures as:
Quote
Titus 2:3-5~"The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.

Offline RB

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Re: My wife wants to separate
« Reply #12 on: Tue Sep 13, 2016 - 08:03:30 »
TT, I posted mine while you posted at the same time. That's okay~Good scriptures to consider TWICE.

Offline TonkaTim

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Re: My wife wants to separate
« Reply #13 on: Tue Sep 13, 2016 - 08:17:31 »
TT, I posted mine while you posted at the same time. That's okay~Good scriptures to consider TWICE.
::thumbup::

Offline chosenone

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Re: My wife wants to separate
« Reply #14 on: Tue Sep 13, 2016 - 08:33:15 »
HI - thanks for replying.  Early on in our marriage, we had several counselors, most of whom were unable effect much change at all.  So my wife is turned off at the idea of talking to a counselor per se, but MAY talk to our pastor.

Our church is pretty good, considering its in New England, which is a place known for sort of "dry" churches if you will.  She has no reason to end the marriage at all.  Also, although she is friendly with people, she has no female friends.  I have told her MANY times that I do NOT want the marriage to end, that I married her for LIFE.  For some strange reason, she is convinced that if we were to separate, I would soon be drawn to another woman, and want to start dating.  It doesn't matter that I've told her that I was very happy to give up the dating life, as I never liked it at all - so many disappointments, so many lies, games, etc...  No, I am not drawn to that life whatsoever.   If we were to divorce, (not by my choice at all) - I would probably get myself "fixed" so as to be unable to have sex again.  I say that because I do enjoy it very much, but do not want to get into that type of sin ever again.  And besides, the commandments of our Lord in Matt 9 & 19 really preclude another marriage anyway.

I covet anyone's prayers about this situation...
 

If she is effectively abandoning you, which by ending the marriage for no reason she is, you would be free to marry again if you ever wanted to. There is no need to 'fix' yourself as long as you dont have sex outside marriage. 

Offline chosenone

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Re: My wife wants to separate
« Reply #15 on: Tue Sep 13, 2016 - 08:35:00 »
She really has no complaints NOW - but refers back to how things were years ago, when I was taking her for granted.  But this has stopped for a number of years now...she just keeps holding on to that time - says she is "emotionally damaged".  What really gets me is that we can have a really wonderful weekend for example, or take a short trip together - in which we laugh a lot & really get along well - and then she will STILL bring up the on-going sentiment in her mind that I should move to "see if I really love her or not". 

There is really only one way I would actually move out - via a direct leading from the Lord.  Because otherwise I would have to force myself to do that, and most of the time forced solutions do not work at all...
 

God wont tell you to leave her, let her be the one to move out if she chooses.

If she cant forgive and let go of things that happened 10 or more years ago, which werent actually that bad, she has issues.

Just clearly tell her that if she wants to separate, then she will need to make arrangements to find somewhere else to live. Her weird(and very unbiblical) idea of wanting you to move out to see if you will find another woman is quite honestly mad. How long will she test you for? A year? two? Will she then take you back if you have behaved yourself? Doesn't she realise that if you deprive each other of sex there is far more temptation to stray?

I suspect that if you go that will be the end.

I dont agree with red that going to see the pastor (and his wife) isnt a good move. He will hopefully be able to challenge her on the Biblical teaching on marriage and separation and divorce, and warn her of the dangers of what she is doing. 
« Last Edit: Tue Sep 13, 2016 - 08:45:23 by chosenone »

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Re: My wife wants to separate
« Reply #16 on: Tue Sep 13, 2016 - 08:57:25 »
Well now, you are just reaping a little of what you have sowed in the past. We are commanded to love our wives and let HER BREAST satisfy us at all times.
Quote
Proverbs 5:15-19....even verse 20 should be read also~"Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of thine own well. Let thy fountains be dispersed abroad, and rivers of waters in the streets. Let them be only thine own, and not strangers' with thee. Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love."
Contentment with your wife is crucial to a happy marriage. Solomon warned his son to make three important choices – cherish his wife tenderly as a delicate object of affection, focus on her body and sexuality only, and let her affection and devotion consume him. This inspired proverb contains some of the most necessary marital advice for husbands. A man can profit very much by learning and doing this wisdom and that in Colossians 3:19.

 ::amen!::  I think too often, husbands don't understand how deeply this kind of behavior cuts at the heart of their woman...and how long that wound lingers if it is a habitual problem or the husband just wants her to get over it, not trying to understand the humiliation, hurt and feeling of inadequacy it sews in the heart and mind of their bride. 

Offline chosenone

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Re: My wife wants to separate
« Reply #17 on: Tue Sep 13, 2016 - 10:00:09 »
Well now, you are just reaping a little of what you have sowed in the past. We are commanded to love our wives and let HER BREAST satisfy us at all times.
Quote
Proverbs 5:15-19....even verse 20 should be read also~"Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of thine own well. Let thy fountains be dispersed abroad, and rivers of waters in the streets. Let them be only thine own, and not strangers' with thee. Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love."
Contentment with your wife is crucial to a happy marriage. Solomon warned his son to make three important choices – cherish his wife tenderly as a delicate object of affection, focus on her body and sexuality only, and let her affection and devotion consume him. This inspired proverb contains some of the most necessary marital advice for husbands. A man can profit very much by learning and doing this wisdom and that in Colossians 3:19.

 ::amen!::  I think too often, husbands don't understand how deeply this kind of behavior cuts at the heart of their woman...and how long that wound lingers if it is a habitual problem or the husband just wants her to get over it, not trying to understand the humiliation, hurt and feeling of inadequacy it sews in the heart and mind of their bride.

I agree, but there is no indication that TJW isnt loving his wife in that way, apart from one mistake 10 years ago. I am sure that all of us have failed and made mistakes??? To then never ever go to a beach again because of that one mistakes is completely over the top.

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Re: My wife wants to separate
« Reply #18 on: Tue Sep 13, 2016 - 10:30:49 »
Well now, you are just reaping a little of what you have sowed in the past. We are commanded to love our wives and let HER BREAST satisfy us at all times.
Quote
Proverbs 5:15-19....even verse 20 should be read also~"Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of thine own well. Let thy fountains be dispersed abroad, and rivers of waters in the streets. Let them be only thine own, and not strangers' with thee. Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love."
Contentment with your wife is crucial to a happy marriage. Solomon warned his son to make three important choices – cherish his wife tenderly as a delicate object of affection, focus on her body and sexuality only, and let her affection and devotion consume him. This inspired proverb contains some of the most necessary marital advice for husbands. A man can profit very much by learning and doing this wisdom and that in Colossians 3:19.

 ::amen!::  I think too often, husbands don't understand how deeply this kind of behavior cuts at the heart of their woman...and how long that wound lingers if it is a habitual problem or the husband just wants her to get over it, not trying to understand the humiliation, hurt and feeling of inadequacy it sews in the heart and mind of their bride.

I agree, but there is no indication that TJW isnt loving his wife in that way, apart from one mistake 10 years ago. I am sure that all of us have failed and made mistakes??? To then never ever go to a beach again because of that one mistakes is completely over the top.

We don't know her past or what that "one act" might have triggered in her.  Or, it might be that even though he only sees it as a one time thing, she actually had to endure many episodes like that one and it was the breaking point for her.

Mistakes are inevitable, but how humbly we admit to hurting others can resolve it -or- make it fester.  Unacknowledged hurts will grow and become a fearful bitter root for a woman if she doesn't feel like her partner understands or has remorse over what actions hurt her.  I think for men its the same...they are SO in-tuned to being disrespected and if a disrespectful behavior is repeated or not acknowledged humbly and left unchanged, bitterness will take root and grow.

Offline Texas Conservative

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Re: My wife wants to separate
« Reply #19 on: Tue Sep 13, 2016 - 10:53:26 »
Well now, you are just reaping a little of what you have sowed in the past. We are commanded to love our wives and let HER BREAST satisfy us at all times.
Quote
Proverbs 5:15-19....even verse 20 should be read also~"Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of thine own well. Let thy fountains be dispersed abroad, and rivers of waters in the streets. Let them be only thine own, and not strangers' with thee. Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love."
Contentment with your wife is crucial to a happy marriage. Solomon warned his son to make three important choices – cherish his wife tenderly as a delicate object of affection, focus on her body and sexuality only, and let her affection and devotion consume him. This inspired proverb contains some of the most necessary marital advice for husbands. A man can profit very much by learning and doing this wisdom and that in Colossians 3:19.

 ::amen!::  I think too often, husbands don't understand how deeply this kind of behavior cuts at the heart of their woman...and how long that wound lingers if it is a habitual problem or the husband just wants her to get over it, not trying to understand the humiliation, hurt and feeling of inadequacy it sews in the heart and mind of their bride.

I agree, but there is no indication that TJW isnt loving his wife in that way, apart from one mistake 10 years ago. I am sure that all of us have failed and made mistakes??? To then never ever go to a beach again because of that one mistakes is completely over the top.

We don't know her past or what that "one act" might have triggered in her.  Or, it might be that even though he only sees it as a one time thing, she actually had to endure many episodes like that one and it was the breaking point for her.

Mistakes are inevitable, but how humbly we admit to hurting others can resolve it -or- make it fester.  Unacknowledged hurts will grow and become a fearful bitter root for a woman if she doesn't feel like her partner understands or has remorse over what actions hurt her.  I think for men its the same...they are SO in-tuned to being disrespected and if a disrespectful behavior is repeated or not acknowledged humbly and left unchanged, bitterness will take root and grow.

Love holds no record of wrongs.  She needs to move past it.  The poster indicated he has tried.

Offline MeMyself

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Re: My wife wants to separate
« Reply #20 on: Tue Sep 13, 2016 - 11:20:15 »
Love holds no record of wrongs.  She needs to move past it.  The poster indicated he has tried.

If this truth were lived out everywhere, there would be no divorce at all.

No wrong would count, no personality disorder, no abuse, no nothing that is done to harm another would count, because love holds no record of wrong.

She likely needs help to move past it.  It is likely there is something deeper here going on than "Get over it" will heal.


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Re: My wife wants to separate
« Reply #21 on: Tue Sep 13, 2016 - 11:22:45 »
Love holds no record of wrongs.  She needs to move past it.  The poster indicated he has tried.

If this truth were lived out everywhere, there would be no divorce at all.

No wrong would count, no personality disorder, no abuse, no nothing that is done to harm another would count, because love holds no record of wrong.

She likely needs help to move past it.  It is likely there is something deeper here going on than "Get over it" will heal.

There might be.  It might be insecurity and her own selfishness.   He can't let it continue.  The damage has already gone too far.

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Re: My wife wants to separate
« Reply #22 on: Tue Sep 13, 2016 - 11:27:09 »
Love holds no record of wrongs.  She needs to move past it.  The poster indicated he has tried.

If this truth were lived out everywhere, there would be no divorce at all.

No wrong would count, no personality disorder, no abuse, no nothing that is done to harm another would count, because love holds no record of wrong.

She likely needs help to move past it.  It is likely there is something deeper here going on than "Get over it" will heal.

There might be.  It might be insecurity and her own selfishness.   He can't let it continue.  The damage has already gone too far.

I agree that he can't let it continue.  This is where "live with your wife in an understanding way" comes into play, and it might need to include a third party like has been suggested.

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Re: My wife wants to separate
« Reply #23 on: Tue Sep 13, 2016 - 11:39:37 »
Also, OP, I would like to suggest you get and read the book The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

If a spouse doesn't feel loved, it may mean that your good efforts aren't hitting their mark, because the "language" they feel love spoken in isn't being used.  It is a very good book, easy to read and helped me a TON in my marriage. I had to learn how to speak what my husband's love language was, because mine wasn't working on him.  It was important to me that he felt loved/respected, so I learned how to do that.

There is also one on Apology languages..I haven't read that one yet, but I guess everyone hears apologies differently and it teaches us how to identify how to best apologize to our loved ones in the "language" they can hear it and feel understood best, so that resolution can be forged.
« Last Edit: Tue Sep 13, 2016 - 11:41:54 by MeMyself »

Offline chosenone

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Re: My wife wants to separate
« Reply #24 on: Tue Sep 13, 2016 - 13:42:52 »
Love holds no record of wrongs.  She needs to move past it.  The poster indicated he has tried.

If this truth were lived out everywhere, there would be no divorce at all.

No wrong would count, no personality disorder, no abuse, no nothing that is done to harm another would count, because love holds no record of wrong.

She likely needs help to move past it.  It is likely there is something deeper here going on than "Get over it" will heal.

There might be.  It might be insecurity and her own selfishness.   He can't let it continue.  The damage has already gone too far.

I agree that he can't let it continue.  This is where "live with your wife in an understanding way" comes into play, and it might need to include a third party like has been suggested.


 I think that is what he has been doing for the last few years. You just cant hold on to minor things like that so long ago,or end a marriage over them, after all its not as if he cheated or something. If we all did that no one would be married. If all wives got so destroyed by a man looking at one women in a bikini, the beaches would be empty and no one would stay married.

Another  thing is that some people are just very hard to please and high maintenance. My husband had this with his ex, no matter what he did for her or how hard he tried, it was never ever enough.She was always discontent. Very high maintenance.
We dont know if that is the case here, sometimes it takes an outsider to see that. 

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Re: My wife wants to separate
« Reply #25 on: Tue Sep 13, 2016 - 13:52:52 »
Love holds no record of wrongs.  She needs to move past it.  The poster indicated he has tried.

If this truth were lived out everywhere, there would be no divorce at all.

No wrong would count, no personality disorder, no abuse, no nothing that is done to harm another would count, because love holds no record of wrong.

She likely needs help to move past it.  It is likely there is something deeper here going on than "Get over it" will heal.

There might be.  It might be insecurity and her own selfishness.   He can't let it continue.  The damage has already gone too far.

I agree that he can't let it continue.  This is where "live with your wife in an understanding way" comes into play, and it might need to include a third party like has been suggested.


 I think that is what he has been doing for the last few years. You just cant hold on to minor things like that so long ago,or end a marriage over them, after all its not as if he cheated or something.

But, to her, it was not a minor thing. To her, it was huge and hurtful to watch her husband become SO enthralled by the form of another that he nearly injured himself by walking into a lifeguard tower.  And, we only have his version of things. Its only his word that says it was once.  It may be that he has an issue with this and she has watched it for years, but this time finally spoke to it, so he only thinks she saw it once.

Also, there is no formula of understanding that works across the board.  Each wife comes with her own past, her own insecurities and her own need to be understood.  Each wise husband will learn what that understanding means to HIS wife and will be committed student of hers, looking for ways to uplift her and sooth her most tender places.

A wise wife will do the same for her husband; looking for ways to bless and speak her respect of him in the ways that he hears them best.  She will be a comfort to him and bless him by being willing to know him and what blesses him.


Quote
If we all did that no one would be married. If all wives got so destroyed by a man looking at one women in a bikini, the beaches would be empty and no one would stay married.

That is the point though...for you, this isn't a biggie.  For others, it is.  Maybe they feel like their form is one that cant compete with what turned their husband's head and held his heart so captivated for even that moment. 

If it was just once, perhaps it triggered a memory or memories of other times in her past that were hurtful?

Don't get me wrong. If its once, its not an issue to divorce over.  If it is habitual, and is accompanied by porn usage, flirting with other women and so on...its a HUGE problem and it will have its consequences.  I just wonder if there isn't more to her seemingly over the top reaction...

Quote
Another  thing is that some people are just very hard to please and high maintenance. My husband had this with his ex, no matter what he did for her or how hard he tried, it was never ever enough.She was always discontent. Very high maintenance.
We dont know if that is the case here, sometimes it takes an outsider to see that.

We don't. All we have is one side. There are women who can be very high maintenance...and even scary. 

I also know there are men who have a very hard heart about this issue, take a "boys will be boys" stand and treat women like they are personal oogle objects, and however that hurts their wives, get over it!
« Last Edit: Tue Sep 13, 2016 - 14:11:20 by MeMyself »

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Re: My wife wants to separate
« Reply #26 on: Tue Sep 13, 2016 - 14:07:28 »
At any rate. I'm going to bow out now.  I just have a different perspective that I wanted to share on the subject and also the book that helped my marriage, and offer another possible book that *may* also hold the key to resolving what is obviously still a hurt in the heart of this wife.


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Re: My wife wants to separate
« Reply #27 on: Mon Sep 26, 2016 - 18:39:03 »
I agree with Texas Conservative as a possibility . She may very well  have a spirit of bitterness which would be her own sin. And I will add possible self-pity to that ( because many people indulge unreasonable expectations) .  And if thats the case she may be sabatoging the relationship with her own exagerated negative thoughts about it.  Once the thoughts run amok it can be very hard to bring them back to a sober sense of reality. And hopefully she is not watching too much carnal TV because many of those shows really fule unrealistic expectations.

It's also possible there may even  be a biological cause like depression or menopause which is affecting her mood? I would consider getting her hormone levels checked.

Women who are seeking seperation without genuine Biblical grounds also really need to  be redirected to place their focus on growing in the Lord. They are seeking a deeper satisfaction which can ony be filled with God.  When  a women  really has solid fellowship with the Lord she will mostly accept her husbands limitations  and recognize her own more readily and more graciously . However I *will* share that women will tune out  a man who is not thoughtful or who never comes up with an idea for  an outing or even an activity at home. I recently watched a long married couple picking berries togethar and then they made elderberry wine together. And it was his idea. And if a man never comes up with any ideas or takes his wife on a date ( that he has fully thought out)  then  he probably can expect that she is not going to be very responsive to him.  If  you've not been engaging your wife then I'm sure if  you begin asking her to do some activities she would warm up to you. This is a HUGE issue for women. Women need some attention once in a while! ( I'm not taking about excessively needy women who are never satisfied ).  A man can easily loose his wifes heart  just over neglect alone.

It's also helpful for women  to read about the lives of other Christian women who lived in centuries before us. A great book to start is "Marriage to a Difficult Man: The Uncommon Union of Jonathan and Sarah Edwards" . They had elleven Children and her husband Jonathan was totally engulfed in his work and with God. But she raised the children and dealt with her life with enormous grace.  And thats because she was a Godly woman who was  focused on pleasing the Lord and not her own circumstances.

I also agree with the other respondant that i would not allow her to push you out of the house. If she insists on ending it then she should leave.

I will pray for you brother.

God Bless.
« Last Edit: Wed Sep 28, 2016 - 10:57:37 by Lisa98 »