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Author Topic: My wife won't talk to me about our marriage crisis  (Read 28806 times)

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Offline byGrace

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My wife won't talk to me about our marriage crisis
« on: February 03, 2010, 09:40:12 PM »
Okay in a nutshell I'll try to sum up my dilemma. I'm looking for some answers and thoughts. Thanks for reading.

             I've been married for a little over 9 years now. I'm 28 and we have 3 great kids together. Everything seemed to start out rough with finances but my wife was very understanding for alot of our marriage. Since the birth of our youngest daughter, my wife has held a grudge against me that I didn't know existed until about 6 months ago (she blamed me for conviencing her to quit her job and stay of for awhile and take care of our daughter) Over the course of getting a job these last 2 years my wife had been very stressed at work and for the most part I didn't know that she was coming home trying to let some steam off but I took it very personal. I wasn't meeting her emotional needs. Not only would she work for 8-10 hour shifts (she is a supervisor) She would work 12-16 days and when she came home she would sleep or ignore me. Sometimes she would even sleep at her sisters house who is also staying with her bf family. Anyways for about 6 months see started to hang out with her sisters bf brother. They became very good friends and during those times she would stay at her sisters house cause she is too tired, he would be there. (I have asked if she has done anything, but she says, how could you thing of me like that) I take it at face value and want to believe her but everytime i'm at work they hang out cause she is bored and our kids like hanging out with him. It hurts to see that my kids don;t know what she is doing to me mentally. THis is tearing me apart inside and when I do aproach her about this guy who I could almost think as family, she says that he is just a friend and that I want you to be his friend too. I agree somewhat to that, because I get along with his older brother just fine. But with this guy he is rather getting into the mix and helps my wife out just a bit to much when i'm at work. Anyways we recently moved out on our own again and she told me that we would again start relying on each other but all she does when i'm around is assume i'll take care of the family's duties but when i'm at work (our schedule is, she works day hours, I work night hours) She ask him for favors on watching our kids and also to come over for dinner with her sister. Anyways, Because of me not meeting her needs and that she thinks I won't change that habit of mine, which I have. God has shown me through this that I can be very hard headed at times and not give time to hear out my wife and give her the emotional support she needs. I have done that the last month or so. She doesn't talk to me about her feelings nor about family life stuff. She says she is tired of being so dependent on me for everything and wants to do things on her own. But I ask how can you do things on your own if you have someone you depend on besides me. That hurts alot.

         I have been reading some books, such as: love is tough, what wives wish there husbands knew, five love languages, how to forgive even when you don't feel like it. The books have been very helpful for me to help me understand myself and my sort comings and also how women see different things than men. I am not agree with my wife but I do hope that she comes around. I have the toughest time staying quiet and letting God take care of her cause I love her but I am starting to do that. I just wonder how she she can take such a big case as our marriage and not give much interest in our commitment to one another. My wife's family is Christian and I came to know the Lord through her family. I'm praying for us everyday and also praying for God to change me into the Husband He wants me to be and also staying connected to Him as much as possible. I've learned that I am dependent upon her for emotionall and physical stability but now that she is not there I have learned that only God with never leave me nor forsake me.

         Also she hasn't wore her rings in over a month and she has said she doesn't love me anymore. She cares for me and wants me to find someone else but I only think about her and my covenant with God that I made. I chose to love her and its not based on feelings. It was at first but I grew to Love her as my wife and time past.

Thanks for reading and any advice would be apreciated.

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My wife won't talk to me about our marriage crisis
« on: February 03, 2010, 09:40:12 PM »

Offline Ben

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Re: My wife won't talk to me about our marriage crisis
« Reply #1 on: February 04, 2010, 07:21:13 AM »
Sounds too familiar, especially the "how could you think of me like that" comment.  My (now ex) wife said something very similar to me when I heard rumors that she was fooling around with another man and of course wanting to be the trusting loyal husband that I was, I believed her.  Then because she seemed to be more secretive all of the sudden and me out of curiosity, I decided to set a trap and if she was telling the truth.  She had nothing to worry about if she was telling the truth.  Well I caught her "in the very act" about two weeks later.  It was extremely painful, but as some wise sage once said, "a marriage can handle the truth, it is lies that it can't handle." 

I suggest "setting a trap" and see if she is having an affair. If not you can rebuilt on that foundation.  Otherwise you are rebuilding on sand.

Ben

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Re: My wife won't talk to me about our marriage crisis
« Reply #1 on: February 04, 2010, 07:21:13 AM »

Offline byGrace

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Re: My wife won't talk to me about our marriage crisis
« Reply #2 on: February 05, 2010, 02:04:52 AM »
Ben -

          Thanks for the insight on the worst case scenario, but i'm actually working my mind passed that now. I believe its something I should know, but I also am giving it to God. My wife is Christian, but is just not in the best relationship with Jesus. I pray that God will change me and show me where and what He wants me to be. Through all this He has taught me a valuable lesson on Forgiveness. I've been a very stubborn man through my years of marriage. Daily i pray for my wife's relationship to be renewed with the Lord, cause He is the only one who can change her. I've decided to do just that. I would like to know the truth behind that matter, but then again, the bible talks about how Love always trusts. So I leave it at trusting God.

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Re: My wife won't talk to me about our marriage crisis
« Reply #2 on: February 05, 2010, 02:04:52 AM »

Offline chosenone

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Re: My wife won't talk to me about our marriage crisis
« Reply #3 on: February 05, 2010, 06:54:01 AM »
She seems to have given up on your marriage and has been playing with fire with this other man. From what you have written she is having at the least an emotional affair with this other man and at worse a physical one. The fact that she has removed her rings and wants you to met someone else points to the fact that she has someone else.
Sorry but to me it looks bad. Mind you, God can do anything IF both people are willing to change but it sounds as if she isn't prepared to take at least some of the blame herself and work on the marriage.

I think you need to somehow find out the truth. If she wont tell you, maybe ask the sister, the other man, or anyone else who may know.

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Re: My wife won't talk to me about our marriage crisis
« Reply #3 on: February 05, 2010, 06:54:01 AM »

Offline Thankfulldad

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Re: My wife won't talk to me about our marriage crisis
« Reply #4 on: February 05, 2010, 07:25:03 AM »
Ben -

          Thanks for the insight on the worst case scenario, but i'm actually working my mind passed that now. I believe its something I should know, but I also am giving it to God. My wife is Christian, but is just not in the best relationship with Jesus. I pray that God will change me and show me where and what He wants me to be. Through all this He has taught me a valuable lesson on Forgiveness. I've been a very stubborn man through my years of marriage. Daily i pray for my wife's relationship to be renewed with the Lord, cause He is the only one who can change her. I've decided to do just that. I would like to know the truth behind that matter, but then again, the bible talks about how Love always trusts. So I leave it at trusting God.

Brother...I feel your pain; however, love heals all things.

Continue to pray for your wife...your young family is worth the struggles you have and will continue to endure for a time.  You have placed yourself under God's mighty hand, and in due time He will lift you up.

Love does always trust brother...it also keeps no record of wrongs.  You are a strong man that has God's heart in this matter.  Very few men can do what you are doing.  Do not let the world destroy what God put together.  Love will cover a multitude of sins, love does no harm, love carries anothers burden.  You are following God's will in your life...regardless of what your wife ends up doing...you will be blessed!!!

Continue to trust in God...stay in His Word...be in constant prayer...God Bless You!

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Re: My wife won't talk to me about our marriage crisis
« Reply #4 on: February 05, 2010, 07:25:03 AM »



Offline byGrace

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Re: My wife won't talk to me about our marriage crisis
« Reply #5 on: February 08, 2010, 11:04:50 PM »
My wife has been very rude to me lately, by her own disgression. I have learned from this past weekend that she is willing to flirt with others in public and in front of my family and others and later have the look like "oh no, my husbands watching". From there I will not go out with her and support her habits. Its not good for me mentally nor emotionally. I'm just going to have to pray more and finally start asking her more to the point questions.

She just contiunes to want to not deal with anything and be "single" and no have responsibilities. Its driving me crazy that she won't talk to me about where she is headed but then again I finally asked after 1 year of this misery, if she wanted to work on our marriage and she said "NO" I don't, I'm just going through the motions.
         Yeah but after last night, God just showed me that I ought to step back emotionally and let her go, cause it will get alot worse if she continues this course of action.

Thank you all for your support and help. Its greatly appreciated ::smile::

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Re: My wife won't talk to me about our marriage crisis
« Reply #5 on: February 08, 2010, 11:04:50 PM »

Offline byGrace

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Re: My wife won't talk to me about our marriage crisis
« Reply #6 on: February 08, 2010, 11:48:37 PM »
I just got a text at work from my wife. She said, since I can't let her go(give up on our marriage) she is letting me go (quiting I guess). This stinks ::frustrated:: ::frustrated:: ::doh::

Offline chosenone

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Re: My wife won't talk to me about our marriage crisis
« Reply #7 on: February 09, 2010, 02:23:45 AM »
byGrace I am so sorry, but all you can do it to let her go. You cannot force her to do the right thing, and if she wants to dig herself a pit that she will fall into then you have to let her.
She will reap what she sows, we all do, but dont allow yourself to be taken down with her. Stand tall and stay close to God. Treat her with decency and respect and God will bless you mightily for your integrity.
Sometimes marriages can be saved and sometimes they cant. Both spouss have to want it though, and it sounds as if she doesnt at this point.

 God Bless

Offline byGrace

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Re: My wife won't talk to me about our marriage crisis
« Reply #8 on: February 09, 2010, 03:47:57 AM »
Chosenone---

             Thank you for your hard but comforting words.  ::cryingtears:: I just dont know at times. But after my wife's last decision making of telling me she is letting me go, I would have to take her words at best as I can. I have started to pull back since that night. Its been hard because of the terrible things that will come of this and the impact on our kids. I came from a broken family and my parents divorced when I was 6. I had a longing to see them together again but it never happened. Did it shape me different, I believe so. But who knows. I'm just trying to focus on God and gain wisdom on what to do and continue to pray for my wife who is lost. My focus is going to be my kids and God. I am overwhelmed at times and can't take the emotional pain, But then I feel God calming me down from the Inside. Thats my testimony. He has control my anger and giving me strength to be a foundation my kids can look to. I do stumble and fall on my face at times, but God is good to pick me up when i'm down.

What next is unkown to me, but God has a plan and I'm looking for it.

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Re: My wife won't talk to me about our marriage crisis
« Reply #8 on: February 09, 2010, 03:47:57 AM »

Offline chosenone

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Re: My wife won't talk to me about our marriage crisis
« Reply #9 on: February 09, 2010, 04:39:24 AM »
bygrace we all stumble and fall our our faces, but God says that though we fall, we will NOT be utterly cast down, and that He will grasp our hand in support and uphold us. He gave me that verse a few years ago when I was going through a tough time.
 Another verse that he gave me after my marriage suddenly ended 10 years ago was "Though you walk through the waters, they will not overwhelm you" He was saying that yes, you will walk through the waters,but you will come through eventually. He will bring you through.  Keep praying because things can change even at the last minute. Only God knows if your wife will see the light or not, so listen to Him and stay close to Him.Don't give up hope, but also be realistic that sometimes the other person just digs their heels in and wont move.

If she wants to end it and get divorced, let her do it, Don't start anything yourself(as I am sure you weren't going to do anyway)At this time she is blinded by Satan and deceived that she would be better off alone. She wont be, she is making a big mistake and she will have to repent at some point to God, but that is her responsibility.  I am so so sorry, It is always so painful when marriages go like this.However God will always bring good out of bad, even if it isn't what we wanted at the time.

 I do understand about your parents as well. My dad had an affair for many years although they didn't get divorced (not sure why) and my husbands parents are also divorced as are most of my family.Its always horrible to see this happen and very distressing for everyone. My husband was so determined not to ever be divorced after his parents unhappy marriage, but in the end his wife was determined to divorce him so what could he do?However God has blessed him since in so many ways and he is really being used now in prophecy and words of knowledge and we have a really good marriage and my kids have a brilliant step father. 

God Bless

Offline Ben

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Re: My wife won't talk to me about our marriage crisis
« Reply #10 on: February 09, 2010, 07:12:27 AM »
Well brother,

1 Corinthians 7:11 says (assuming she is saved anyway) that "is she leaves [you] she is to remain unmarried."  If she is not saved, pray that she will get that way, but for now, (verses 12 and 15) "if a brother has a wife who is an unbeliever....and she leaves the believer is not under bondage."

In my case I have had two marital separations.  The first was when my first wife left me for her lover. After three months she realized she had made a mistake, but it was too late, I had already met my (current) wife (now happily married for 34 years) and I was not in the slightest interested in restablishing a relationship with an unsaved adulterer and besides because of her unfaithfulness I was "not under bondage" to our marriage vows any longer. 

The second separation was about 18 years later (with my "real" wife) when I was struggling with my identy in Christ and we both agreed we (actually I) needed some time apart to get our (my) priorities straight.  It took her about one hour to get her act together.  For me it was 89 days, but prasie God He performed a miracle in that 89 days that is still going on today!

So hang in there with Jesus.  As I've said elsewhere, "God is seldom early, but He is never late."

Ben

Offline byGrace

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Re: My wife won't talk to me about our marriage crisis
« Reply #11 on: February 10, 2010, 01:16:12 AM »
Thank you Chosenone & Ben

                Your comments have brought tears to my eyes ::cryingtears::. Its hard to grasp and understand God's Soverignty in all this but i know he is still in control. Yes I will go through the waters and it will not overtake me as long as I cling to him. John 15. He is my Rock, My redeamer. I am I so torn inside though. She texts me again today about how she can;t stay marrried and put up a facade for everyone and live in a marriage where she keeps hurting me. She said she didn;t know why she said "I DO" 9 years ago. That statement hurts viciously. Those are the words that kill me. She wants to end the silence and talk this weekend. I don;t know what she is going to say, but i think its not what I want to here. She has texted me also about her leaving to the Navy. I don;t know why, but I guess to leave all her responsibilities and not deal with it. I'm unsure why. All I know at this point is, I'm barely crawling through live right now. I'm dying just making it through the day. I pray and desperately talk with friends in my old church but its just not enough at times. I haven;t felt love from my wife, truly for over 1 year. This is just torture. I need your prayers and advice to continue to seek God and not give up.

Offline chosenone

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Re: My wife won't talk to me about our marriage crisis
« Reply #12 on: February 10, 2010, 01:31:39 AM »
Thank you Chosenone & Ben

                Your comments have brought tears to my eyes ::cryingtears::. Its hard to grasp and understand God's Soverignty in all this but i know he is still in control. Yes I will go through the waters and it will not overtake me as long as I cling to him. John 15. He is my Rock, My redeamer. I am I so torn inside though. She texts me again today about how she can;t stay marrried and put up a facade for everyone and live in a marriage where she keeps hurting me. She said she didn;t know why she said "I DO" 9 years ago. That statement hurts viciously. Those are the words that kill me. She wants to end the silence and talk this weekend. I don;t know what she is going to say, but i think its not what I want to here. She has texted me also about her leaving to the Navy. I don;t know why, but I guess to leave all her responsibilities and not deal with it. I'm unsure why. All I know at this point is, I'm barely crawling through live right now. I'm dying just making it through the day. I pray and desperately talk with friends in my old church but its just not enough at times. I haven;t felt love from my wife, truly for over 1 year. This is just torture. I need your prayers and advice to continue to seek God and not give up.


 Yes she is wanting to run away from all of her responsibilities.
My husbands ex said the same to him, that she had never really loved him. They had been married for 23 years. My thoughts wre, well if you never loved him why were you stupid enough to marry him?. I think these words are just an excuse for them to justify divorcving when they know full well that it is a sin.
Remember that even though you sit in darkness, the lord WILL be your light.He WILL bring you out into the light. (Anothr verse that God gave me) God Bless.

Offline byGrace

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Re: My wife won't talk to me about our marriage crisis
« Reply #13 on: February 19, 2010, 01:24:23 AM »
Chosenone---Thanks for your words of encouragement again.
               
             We finally talked alittle bit this past weekend (Valentine's) But it wasn't all joyful. Actually it was a dinner talk about her feelings and mine. She actually wanted to know about my feelings and I told her. But what she was telling me was again how she felt she couldn't live up to everyone's espectations of being married and that she doesn't know how long of a time it will be for her feelings to come around. I was just stone faced. For about a week, i'm afraid I have been feeling very numb. That worries me. I know I still love her, but i'm not all there cause I don't like being hurt anymore. Is that normal? I mean I still commune with the Lord, I am continuing to be a great father to our kids and a Husband that Gods wants me to be but I don't feel tha love like I normally feel. My emotions have stepped back. I'm just loving through actions and not in words only. Does that make any sense. IDK. Its been a tough week. She hardly talks to me and we hardly see each other except for the weekends cause of our work schedules. But on those weekends it seems she is still avoiding me. When will it stop.? I'm still praying for her healing and her relationship to be restored with the Lord, but its been tough when she doesn't want to communicate with me. Huh i'm just falling apart. I'm being sustained by God, That I know.

Offline Ray in Florida

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Re: My wife won't talk to me about our marriage crisis
« Reply #14 on: February 19, 2010, 02:57:08 AM »
Dear Brother ...

I have been where you are ... twice now. My DW and I have been separated now for almost 10 weeks ... but continue to share the same house ... long story, not really relevant to what you are dealing with.

When she first told me, back on December 14th, that ... after 22 years of marriage ... that she wanted a separation, I was devastated ... like you, I was flooded with emotions ... not all of them good ::prayinghard:: ... but amazingly, as time went by, the crying stopped, the anger and resentment subsided ... and God's Word offered the reassurance that He knew I was needing ... I came to be at peace with the situation ... when she wanted to talk, about everyday stuff, I listened and offered my thoughts where appropriate ... she made it clear that she was not ready yet to talk about us ... so I let it alone ... and in my quiet times with God, I poured it all out at him ... I would go for a drive, and just let my frustration, my anger, my resentment, my fears ... everything came out ... but only to God ... and it was OK that way ...

He showed me that, if I could just TRUST in HIM ... and have FAITH in HIM ... that He would do the things that I was asking HIM to do ... but it meant that I would not be confrontational with her ... if she lashed out or was mean in her words to me, then I either stayed and listened ... and "took one for the team", so to speak ... or I excused myself and went to my little room in another part of our home where I've been staying ... and God, by HIS GRACE, enabled me ... empowered me ... to get through it ... and HE WILL DO THE SAME FOR YOU ::smile::

Brother, you must decide, going forward, what kind of relationship you really want with her ... God's Word, and the truth within, may indeed be on your side in all of this ... from what you have written, it is your DW that is falling prey to the lies and deception of Satan ... and that can be a totally different kind of pain to bear.

But, if we, as Husbands, are to love our wives as He has loved us ... if we are to truly become more "like Christ" in our daily lives ... then we must allow Him to "make us into His own image" through whatever means He chooses ... the greatest comfort that I have found in all of the fire and trials that I have endured thus far is the realization that, through the pain and anguish of my DW's decision, it has forced me to allow GOD to prepare me ... to mold me and shape me ... into someone HE CAN USE ... and that by allowing HIM to do with me as HE will, He is then able to reach out to her, through my actions and deeds towards her ... and indeed HE HAS ::smile::

Valentine's Day turned out to be a breakthrough, of sorts, for us ... for the first time in over 3 months, she gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek ... my heart lept for joy ... and I knew that HE was working in her ... through me ... just as He said He would ...

Brother, do not be a doormat for your DW ... but do not close any doors to her, either ... resolve to allow GOD to reveal HIMSELF to her ... through you ... and the things that you do. When you feel anger or pain welling up, get away ... and go somewhere and yell at GOD ... HE allows us to do that ... and it keeps you from creating needless obstacles that will only need to be dealt with later ... strive to be patient and loving in your interactions with her ... she will not understand how you can be this way, at first ... and that's OK ... she doesn't need to understand just yet ... just let GOD do the work, through you.

It may not bear any results at first ... that's OK too ... she can choose to ignore GOD if she wants ... but it doesn't mean that HE will ignore her, or give up on her ... and if you are strong enough, and your FAITH can carry you ... GOD's reward to you will be great ... it may not seem like it at the time, but GOD Blesses and Rewards the Faith of His Children ...

May the Peace and Grace of His Love fill you today ...
 ::prayinghard::
« Last Edit: February 19, 2010, 03:03:34 AM by Ray in Florida »