Need some serious support and advice !!

[ziadelsol1]

I do not know where else to turn for help.  My wife left me 3 months ago and refuses to seek counseling to save our marriage.  4 months ago she was willing to go to counseling but before we were able to see the counselor something changed within her and she left and moved out.  She refused counseling and said she did not need it.  Now 3 months later she is moving back home and that is only because the kids are coming back from being with the natural father during the summer months.   She still refuses counseling and I am trying not to push her too hard, but it is difficult not to.  She is a christian and says that she has turned it all over to God and that whatever happens is his will, but that she is through trying.

  I was raised in a christian home but for the last 21 years I believed in god but was not a follower or practicing christian until 2008 when I attended church with my family for the first time in 21 years.  Jan 2009 I asked the lord into my heart and have been striving to become and lead a christian life.  When I asked to be saved again a peace came over me and I still feel that peace when I am praying or reading my bible and when I attend church. 

What led up to my wife's departure is that in January she found some emails on my work email address that I had from a former female coworker that I was corresponding with via email at work,  Let me clarify something right here and now,  I never talked or emailed personal details about my life or her life, intimate details or sexual talk with this woman.   Our emails and conversations consisted of work gossip and jokes.  I never had an affair with this woman or any other woman nor have I touched another woman since the day I met my wife, I have and always will be faithful to my wife.
 5 years ago while engaged my wife told me never to be in contact with this woman and I agreed that I would not.  I truly did not want any contact with this woman and agreed that I would stop contact with her. Well throughout the years I would receive some forwarded jokes from this woman.  I screwed up and never told my wife about these jokes,  At the time I was thinking like an idiot and figured that they were just jokes and harmless and I did not want to argue with my wife over this woman.  Stupid me,  I was an idiot when I tried hiding it. 

This is not the first woman that my wife has told me or forbid me to not be in contact with.  I have been accused of wanting to sleep and be with numerous women throughout the 7 years we have been together.  From her best friend, Our neighbour, My best friends wife, The cashier at the wal-mart, the bank teller, the waitresses at numerous restaurants.  I do not flirt with these women nor do I talk to them other than the bare minimum responses to a question or something.  I have always been a personal person and actually quite shy and uncomfortable around women.  I just do not open up to them or converse with them very well.  My wife is the only woman in this world that I have ever felt comfortable around or being with.

OK, sorry for getting off subject there.  Back to what is going on now in our life.  The kids are coming back home and my wife is moving back home as well.   What do we tell the kids?  Their ages are 11 and 17.  I know that their friends on the street know that my wife has not been home all summer and will be asking where she has been at.  My wife says that the kids do not need to know about our problems.  Yet I know that the kids will be asking about what she and I did this summer and when they find out that their mom was not home at all this summer it will be a bit hard to explain.  My wife says that we just tell them that she had gone to visit a friend.  My wife will not give me details about where she was or who she stayed with.

  I am scared of losing my wife over my sins of lying to her and not honoring her like I should have.  I have seen two different counselor's and each counselor has advised that my wife and I both seek marriage counseling.  I would like to continue seeing the counselor on my own but now finances come into it.  My wife says we cannot afford my seeing a counselor and that I need to figure my problems out on my own.  Yet she will spend $130-200 at the hairdresser and clothes store.  When I said okay about my not seeing the counselor, I said I would seek help and guidance from a church adviser  WHOA talk about an argument.  I was now accused of just trying to get sympathy from people at church.. :(   

 I am trusting in the Lord to take care of things and that he has a plan for all of us.  Yet at times I am so tired and drained that I just do not want to continue anymore.   Sorry for rambling and whining.  I am just venting because I do not know where else to turn.

J

[HRoberson]

I would continue to see the counselor if you thought seeing the counselor was valuable for you. As to what to tell the kids, try something like: "I don't know where your mother has been. You might ask her though."

[larry2]

Dear ziadelsol1, you have many issues such as your concern over the cost of her hairdos, her not wanting your suggestions of counseling, and there are probably many more things you have not mentioned.

She is tired of your affiliation with other women regardless of your promises, and has just lost trust in you; she probably believes she has no future with you. I certainly would not take your problems to others such as counselors without her; that surely would be offensive to her. If your leadership in the family has had a destructive result, you might consider her as the better influence and follow her lead if you want your marriage to continue.

You must above all quit blame shifting, or coming up with excuses for your behavior. If you're not above instruction, I have posted six different lessons of a marriage seminar by Gene Hawkins on the previous pages of this marriage forum. I believe them to be extremely benificial.

May God bless them to your understanding in Jesus' name - larry2

[JohnDB]

Well,
Gotta give you credit...you are a better man than I on this one.

If my wife left...the door is only one way in my house. If she left she can't come back.

After having been divorced and remarried I often myself wonder why on earth I stayed with my first wife for so long. She never really respected me or truly loved me on a level that was truly acceptable.
The answer I keep coming up with is that an imitation pearl necklace looks just as good and is just as glamorous as a real one but...it's real value is a lot less...and the difference was in my willingness to accept a phoney one versus a real one.

We, as Christians, do know the difference between real love and imitation love. And when we get the fake stuff (kinda like fake sugar) we recognize that nasty aftertaste left in our mouths. Now you have set yourself up for a lifestyle with fake sugar and are trying to decide how to live with it.

I know you know the difference between real repentance versus being sorry you got caught and the other way not working for you. And that very scenario is playing again in your head. You are trying to provide answers that you don't have...your wife does though and she isn't giving any.

Sure, it is comfortable living with an illusion...up to a point.
She wants to come back...if that is so...then I would place a few conditions on it...You obviously didn't cheat on her...but considering the stats I would tend to believe that she might have.  The behaviors and attitudes she has do warrant that belief. Possibly you did play a role in her needing to find intimacy (or an illusion of it) from elsewhere.

Yep, your marriage is in trouble for sure. She will be right back out that door soon enough unless these issues are not resolved. Up to you as to whether that revolving door continues to revolve or not.

[walker starr]

     I have had 3 wives.  The first one gave me ultimatums for 16 years.  I was ordered not to associate with this person or
that person ,some male some female.  Not to be a cub scout master.  Not to have 3 thirty gallon fish tanks and on and on
and on.  I don't recall just what the final straw was but I finalli had enough.  My children were old enough , I took my
youngest ,my son, and left.  Neither of my other two wives behaved in that matter they had their friends and I had mine.
We trusted and more important we loved each other.  Unfortunately they boyh died.  I waited 2 Years before I married my second wife who passed away after nine years.  I met and married my last wife after being alone for eleven years.  We were together l7 years.  In both marriages we had LOVE and TRUST.  iF YOU HAVE LOVE YOU JUST NATURALLY HAVE TRUST.  They just naturaly
go together.   If your wife doesn't trust you and spent all her tme controlling you I wonder if she ever loved you.

GOD bless you
               Walker

[yesult]

I do not know where else to turn for help.  My wife left me 3 months ago and refuses to seek counseling to save our marriage.  4 months ago she was willing to go to counseling but before we were able to see the counselor something changed within her and she left and moved out.  She refused counseling and said she did not need it.  Now 3 months later she is moving back home and that is only because the kids are coming back from being with the natural father during the summer months.   She still refuses counseling and I am trying not to push her too hard, but it is difficult not to.  She is a christian and says that she has turned it all over to God and that whatever happens is his will, but that she is through trying.

  I was raised in a christian home but for the last 21 years I believed in god but was not a follower or practicing christian until 2008 when I attended church with my family for the first time in 21 years.  Jan 2009 I asked the lord into my heart and have been striving to become and lead a christian life.  When I asked to be saved again a peace came over me and I still feel that peace when I am praying or reading my bible and when I attend church. 

What led up to my wife's departure is that in January she found some emails on my work email address that I had from a former female coworker that I was corresponding with via email at work,  Let me clarify something right here and now,  I never talked or emailed personal details about my life or her life, intimate details or sexual talk with this woman.   Our emails and conversations consisted of work gossip and jokes.  I never had an affair with this woman or any other woman nor have I touched another woman since the day I met my wife, I have and always will be faithful to my wife.
 5 years ago while engaged my wife told me never to be in contact with this woman and I agreed that I would not.  I truly did not want any contact with this woman and agreed that I would stop contact with her. Well throughout the years I would receive some forwarded jokes from this woman.  I screwed up and never told my wife about these jokes,  At the time I was thinking like an idiot and figured that they were just jokes and harmless and I did not want to argue with my wife over this woman.  Stupid me,  I was an idiot when I tried hiding it. 

This is not the first woman that my wife has told me or forbid me to not be in contact with.  I have been accused of wanting to sleep and be with numerous women throughout the 7 years we have been together.  From her best friend, Our neighbour, My best friends wife, The cashier at the wal-mart, the bank teller, the waitresses at numerous restaurants.  I do not flirt with these women nor do I talk to them other than the bare minimum responses to a question or something.  I have always been a personal person and actually quite shy and uncomfortable around women.  I just do not open up to them or converse with them very well.  My wife is the only woman in this world that I have ever felt comfortable around or being with.

OK, sorry for getting off subject there.  Back to what is going on now in our life.  The kids are coming back home and my wife is moving back home as well.   What do we tell the kids?  Their ages are 11 and 17.  I know that their friends on the street know that my wife has not been home all summer and will be asking where she has been at.  My wife says that the kids do not need to know about our problems.  Yet I know that the kids will be asking about what she and I did this summer and when they find out that their mom was not home at all this summer it will be a bit hard to explain.  My wife says that we just tell them that she had gone to visit a friend.  My wife will not give me details about where she was or who she stayed with.

  I am scared of losing my wife over my sins of lying to her and not honoring her like I should have.  I have seen two different counselor's and each counselor has advised that my wife and I both seek marriage counseling.  I would like to continue seeing the counselor on my own but now finances come into it.  My wife says we cannot afford my seeing a counselor and that I need to figure my problems out on my own.  Yet she will spend $130-200 at the hairdresser and clothes store.  When I said okay about my not seeing the counselor, I said I would seek help and guidance from a church adviser  WHOA talk about an argument.  I was now accused of just trying to get sympathy from people at church.. :(   

 I am trusting in the Lord to take care of things and that he has a plan for all of us.  Yet at times I am so tired and drained that I just do not want to continue anymore.   Sorry for rambling and whining.  I am just venting because I do not know where else to turn.

J

I agree with the counselling too. If your wife doesn't want to go though, you can't force her.
Did you sleep together before marriage or did either of you have other partners? I don't want to come across as too personal here, but if you did and she didn't, that can cause huge trust issues. Porn can also trigger that kind of distrust, as can sexual abuse she might have experienced in her past or a father who was unfaithful. She can assume once she's discovered that you've lied, that you might be just like him and she isn't willing to take the risk of that kind of betrayal.

There's also the possiblity that she's reflecting her own weaknesses on to you? Has she ever done things that indicate that she might be unfaithful or struggling with temptation in that area? Why isn't she willing to tell you where she was when she's always expected you to tell her everything? Could there be any possibility that she spent the summer with another man, but wants to put all the pressure of the marriage breakdown on you? (And not trying to accuse her, but do you think it might be a possibility?)

There could be so many underlying issues in the situation. I'm so sorry that your marriage is experiencing so much trauma. Will add my prayers (and these boards and other christian boards are good for that) and hope you can get other christian support through your pastor or other trusted christian friends.

God bless.