Author Topic: not in love with husband but he is a wonderful man  (Read 3698 times)

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Offline mackelray

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not in love with husband but he is a wonderful man
« on: Wed May 15, 2013 - 20:52:22 »
I've been married 5 years, I'm in my twenties, and I can honestly say I lucked out in finding a very attractive, very talented, very kind hearted man. However, I have come to the conclusion that I am not in love with him. When we were planning to get married, I struggled with a lot of doubt over whether or not this was the right thing to do, but I got married anyway. I've lived to regret that decision because I have made both of our lives very difficult for most of our marriage. I seem to be a person who does not know what she wants, and so I think I have constantly kept my husband on edge with my "consistently inconsistent" behavior. I tend to get very depressed, and at this stage in the marriage I am majorly depressed. I've prayed for God to help me be strong and to teach me how to love my husband. I realize I made a mistake in the beginning, and I've been willing to try to make it work (to the best of my ability which, sadly, isn't all that impressive a lot of the time), but I feel absolutely hopeless. I care for my husband, but there are just some things about our relationship that leave me feeling so empty. I don't miss him when he is away, I don't really long to have him with me. I want to feel that way toward him. I know that that would make him feel so much happier and I would be too. At this point, I'm almost certain that it is better for me to leave than to stay. My outbursts of frustration and hopelessness are a drain on us both, and I feel like the world's absolute worst person for putting him through this.
I don't know why God would not honor a request to help someone do the right thing, but it seems in this situation that he is not making it very easy on me. But I guess asking this of God after having made a blatant decision to get married knowing I was not sure would be asking a bit much. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thank you.

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not in love with husband but he is a wonderful man
« on: Wed May 15, 2013 - 20:52:22 »

HRoberson

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Re: not in love with husband but he is a wonderful man
« Reply #1 on: Wed May 15, 2013 - 21:03:09 »
Loving someone is a decision. You can love anyone you want, by deciding to do it.

Rather than worrying about what he doesn't provide you, have you identified the self talk you give yourself? Have you done something nice for him every day?
Have you figured out that marriage isn't about making you happy, but about making you holy?
Have you figured out that "longing for him" isn't the measure of love?

Find a state-licensed therapist who has training in Bible/theology/ministry/etc. in addition to the therapy training. You might try individual therapy but eventually you might consider marriage or couples therapy. Addressing your depression is important and it may be treatable as part of your adjusting to being a spouse.

Offline RoninJedi

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Re: not in love with husband but he is a wonderful man
« Reply #2 on: Wed May 15, 2013 - 21:06:40 »
The only concession given in Scripture for breaking the covenant of marriage is adultery. 

Period.

The heart is deceitful above all measure (Jeremiah 17:9).  Marriage is not based on emotions.  It's based on commitment.  Absolutely, love is a big part of that, and necessary, but whether your marriage is awesome or way below average, you're going to have times when those love feelings aren't there. 

It's up to you to lead your heart, not the other way around.

"He that trusteth in his own heart is a fool: but whoso walketh wisely, he shall be delivered." - Proverbs 28:26

Seek good, Godly counseling, and get this nipped quickly.  Continue to pray, but remain steadfast.  Everything in God's timing.  Not ours.  Your prayer might be answered in an hour.  Or, like my own, it may take a few years.  The point is not to give up, but to keep your faith that your prayers will be answered.

Again, seek good Godly counseling yesterday

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Re: not in love with husband but he is a wonderful man
« Reply #2 on: Wed May 15, 2013 - 21:06:40 »

Lively Stone

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Re: not in love with husband but he is a wonderful man
« Reply #3 on: Wed May 15, 2013 - 21:15:04 »
My husband and I have been married for 37 years. I can tell you that the hearts and flowers portion of the relationship lasted the normal amount of time---about 2 or three years, and then the foundation that was created in all of that was laid and we embarked on the new phase, which is built on the knowledge that we love one another, no matter how we feel! We are committed to love under Jesus Christ.

The Lord taught me a major lesson about 40 years ago about forgiveness, which I apply to love as well. He showed me how a carpenter is needed for the laying of a foundation of a house before any brick is ever laid. He builds a form with two-by-fours into which is poured concrete, which, when set is removed and the foundation of concrete stands. Love and forgiveness, when laid by a form of such, will stand until the true thing is added.

In other words, where you want love or even forgiveness in your heart but it seems absent, you put it on---a form of such---out of obedience and prayerfully asking God for these things. The Lord will see that honest effort and will pour in the genuine thing (like the concrete). You will then find it an easy matter to pretty much kick those forms aside, because eventually, while you may be 'putting on' that form of love for your husband, you will one day turn around and realize--"Hey! I truly love my husband!"

It is about honour and trusting God, and standing on His promises. It is about renewing your mind as taught in:

Romans 12:1-2
And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. 2 Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.



I have found this same advice I have given you to work for me in the area of forgiveness! I also know it works for loving. Now, that said, I hope you realize that the kind of love we experience for our spouses at the beginning of the marital relationship is not a sustained kind of love---we do not live by our feelings, as the world teaches. Feelings are unreliable at the very most! Genuine love for our spouses is a decision, based on a promise we have made to God and to them. Knowing Jesus Christ and honouring Him and His word makes it an easy choice, daily.

I pray that Jesus speaks to you about this, and that you will easily over come this seeming hiccup in your relationship.
« Last Edit: Wed May 15, 2013 - 21:20:56 by Lively Stone »

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Re: not in love with husband but he is a wonderful man
« Reply #3 on: Wed May 15, 2013 - 21:15:04 »

Offline MeMyself

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Re: not in love with husband but he is a wonderful man
« Reply #4 on: Wed May 15, 2013 - 21:35:31 »
You need to pray that God make YOU the person He wants you to be.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but marriage is not all about you.

Its about putting self second and your spouse first.

Its about the golden rule.

Its about serving and doing everything for God's glory.

Pray that God will change your heart, your focus, your attitude, your thoughts and make you the best wife to your husband that you can be.








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Re: not in love with husband but he is a wonderful man
« Reply #4 on: Wed May 15, 2013 - 21:35:31 »



Offline TJW

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Re: not in love with husband but he is a wonderful man
« Reply #5 on: Wed May 15, 2013 - 22:48:06 »
Quote
I can honestly say I lucked out in finding a very attractive, very talented, very kind hearted man. However, I have come to the conclusion that I am not in love with him.

I think this is the case for my wife, too.   Except that I'm not attractive.   She tells me that I'm a "good" man and a "great husband" but my heart is totally broken because she is not attracted to me, and I know that she is to other men.

She says how "lucky" she is, that I was a good "catch".   I feel that way, too.  She is a terrific wife and mother.  But, I sure wish she loved me physically.  This leaves a gaping "hole" in the marriage, for me.




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Re: not in love with husband but he is a wonderful man
« Reply #5 on: Wed May 15, 2013 - 22:48:06 »

Offline chosenone

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Re: not in love with husband but he is a wonderful man
« Reply #6 on: Thu May 16, 2013 - 03:02:51 »
Quote
I can honestly say I lucked out in finding a very attractive, very talented, very kind hearted man. However, I have come to the conclusion that I am not in love with him.

I think this is the case for my wife, too.   Except that I'm not attractive.   She tells me that I'm a "good" man and a "great husband" but my heart is totally broken because she is not attracted to me, and I know that she is to other men.

She says how "lucky" she is, that I was a good "catch".   I feel that way, too.  She is a terrific wife and mother.  But, I sure wish she loved me physically.  This leaves a gaping "hole" in the marriage, for me.





I suggest that every day you say that verse from song of songs "Her(your wifes name)desire is towards me" It may take some time but don't give up. If she is willing, ask her to do the same ie "my desire is towards ...."(your name)
Speaking and praying the word like this is very powerful.
It worked for someone I know. ::smile::

This is also a good idea for the op.  THis and other verses about love, prayed in a personal way.

Offline johndoo

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Re: not in love with husband but he is a wonderful man
« Reply #7 on: Thu May 16, 2013 - 05:07:19 »
The posts above seem really on track.  Your depression needs care, likely with medication and talk therapy.  The usual mantra is that you can leave the marriage but your problems will follow you.  Just getting a new spouse is likely to change very little.  Lots of "systems" like "His Needs, Her Needs" talk about how to grow in love towards your spouse - you can see their website and read the book.  Talk to godly women you know for support.
 God bless you through this journey of making your marriage the best that it can be.
 
 

Offline mackelray

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Re: not in love with husband but he is a wonderful man
« Reply #8 on: Thu May 16, 2013 - 06:44:18 »
thanks for all of the responses. I do fear that leaving the relationship will not fix my personal problem, as I will probably carry the depression problems with me. and then I would have devastated my husband. He is aware of my feelings, I've told him that I wish we could make it work. I know that the "giddy" feelings from early on in a relationship tend to pass, but I know for a fact that the people I know who have successful relationships and consider themselves happily married feel excitement about seeing/being with their spouse. Maybe not all the time, but much of the time. While feelings aren't everything, they are something. EVERYONE has to have emotional satisfaction to varying degrees. And to live a life of constantly "working" on my marriage but never receiving a benefit from it (emotional benefits) is something that I cannot bear to think about. And in response to Johndoo, I think my husband would probably prefer to not have to feel that gaping hole as well.
I just desperately hope that God would help make me content and even glad that I am in this marriage. 

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Re: not in love with husband but he is a wonderful man
« Reply #8 on: Thu May 16, 2013 - 06:44:18 »

Offline FireSword

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Re: not in love with husband but he is a wonderful man
« Reply #9 on: Thu May 16, 2013 - 06:48:13 »
It seems you have married someone not on you'r level and so cannot relate to him very well, that's a tough situation to be in as successful people don't seem to relate very well with weakness. Maybe you married him for egoistic reasons rather than for heart reason. It's too late to change your mind now so you have to try. Maybe you will find out that he was not so great in the past and that can help both of you relate better, as often great people are great at hiding their own weaknesses, especially if woman demand perfection and give no opportunity for the heart to grow, but instead try and make the ego to grow, which probably isn't what you need.

Offline chosenone

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Re: not in love with husband but he is a wonderful man
« Reply #10 on: Thu May 16, 2013 - 08:30:35 »
thanks for all of the responses. I do fear that leaving the relationship will not fix my personal problem, as I will probably carry the depression problems with me. and then I would have devastated my husband. He is aware of my feelings, I've told him that I wish we could make it work. I know that the "giddy" feelings from early on in a relationship tend to pass, but I know for a fact that the people I know who have successful relationships and consider themselves happily married feel excitement about seeing/being with their spouse. Maybe not all the time, but much of the time. While feelings aren't everything, they are something. EVERYONE has to have emotional satisfaction to varying degrees. And to live a life of constantly "working" on my marriage but never receiving a benefit from it (emotional benefits) is something that I cannot bear to think about. And in response to Johndoo, I think my husband would probably prefer to not have to feel that gaping hole as well.
I just desperately hope that God would help make me content and even glad that I am in this marriage. 

  If you start praying scriptures as I suggested, you will see a change.
It may take some time and you will need to keep at it but it works because the word of God is powerful and active.
I would also suggest that you get the books called "The power of a praying wife"and "The power of a praying husband". Read them and pray those scriptural prayers for each other every day.

If the problem is caused by depression then you need to get treatment for that first. Depression can make you feel emotionally numb, so that you cant feel any positive emotions, including love.

Offline JohnDB

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Re: not in love with husband but he is a wonderful man
« Reply #11 on: Thu May 16, 2013 - 09:13:13 »
You are depressed.
But your view of marriage is kinda skewed. Marriage isn't about receiving love it is about giving lovingkindness to a spouse. Its not "give to get" but often it works out that way especially when you value your husband's happiness.

But most importantly by taking your focus off of yourself your depression will lift a lot more easily than if your misery is all you focus on.

Offline TJW

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Re: not in love with husband but he is a wonderful man
« Reply #12 on: Thu May 16, 2013 - 12:50:06 »
Quote
I've told him that I wish we could make it work

Matthew 15:11 (KJV)

Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man.

Quote
And to live a life of constantly "working" on my marriage but never receiving a benefit from it (emotional benefits) is something that I cannot bear to think about.

There it is.  You fail both criteria for accomplishment.

1) you don't believe your goal is possible
2) you don't believe there is a sufficient reward to warrant the effort



« Last Edit: Wed May 22, 2013 - 06:25:31 by TJW »

Offline anx

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Re: not in love with husband but he is a wonderful man
« Reply #13 on: Sun May 19, 2013 - 20:45:22 »
Sorry for the slow response, I meant to write earlier.

I really think counseling with someone who is primarily a skilled counselor with women and secondly a christian / bible focus / etc. In my own marriage crisis, this helped us tremendously, and in counseling, God and faith was something we rarely talked about. The focus was largely what wasn't working and how to get that working.

I would also say that in my own bought of depression, "feeling" love is not something I found possible. Love was a commitment first and feelings grew out of fixing depression, fixing issues in marriage, and time and hard work. This was something easier for me because I'm a more analytical person, but not having the "feeling" of love at times greatly affects some people.

Having a personality and spirit that is restless where it is at does not make you a bad person. Everyone struggles in different points in their life. You are not unique in having an issue in marriage and finding your place and happiness there. Focusing on "I feel like the world's absolute worst person for putting him through this" will only bring you and your marriage further down. There is a way past this and to find happiness in your marriage. It is worth the work and money to find and follow that path.

Blessings


Offline TJW

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Re: not in love with husband but he is a wonderful man
« Reply #14 on: Wed May 22, 2013 - 06:24:34 »
Quote
Having a personality and spirit that is restless where it is at does not make you a bad person. Everyone struggles in different points in their life.

Amen.   I am 100%, totally, completely in love with my wife.  And there are still times when I have less desire and less attraction than others. 

I should have pointed out earlier that even though her lack of desire for me breaks my heart, there is no way I would ever want her to leave or want to replace her in my life with anyone else.  This would be total devastation for me.  I would like her to work on this
with a counselor or pastor or whoever she chooses, but for now, I accept that she isn't.

Offline BelovedofChrist

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Re: not in love with husband but he is a wonderful man
« Reply #15 on: Thu Jun 06, 2013 - 04:17:49 »
dear chosenone, i saw couple of your posts on taking scriptures to change situations. r u referring to confessions of personalised God's word? i if possible, would you share more abt that "someone" whom you knew and did indeed see change from this practice. I am just very keen to learn more...(incidentally saw this from one man of God's website that recommended it as well). thank you so much for sharing your wealth of experience. ~ beginner in God's kingdom

Offline Liv

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Re: not in love with husband but he is a wonderful man
« Reply #16 on: Sat Aug 17, 2013 - 07:57:13 »
God revealed to me that being in love with someone does not automatically correlate with being married to someone.  Before I got married, a wonderful man wanted to marry me and he did all of the right things, and showed that he would be fitting to make a marriage work, but I was not in love with him.  I was actually in very much in love with someone else.  The person that I was in love with, did mostly the wrong things, things that just would not work for a marriage. 

My feelings for the person I was in love with just would not go away, no matter what mess of a life he was in.  I prayed.

God revealed to me that just because you are "in love" with someone and have "feelings", doesn't make them marriage material.  And just because someone is marriage material, does not make you fall in love with them. 

Real LOVE is a choice. 

The bible states, husbands love your wives, wives RESPECT your husbands.  I was in love with someone whom I did not respect, and for the other man I had respect for someone that I did not love.

 I know that respect is what would prolong a marriage for him because men value respect, the way that women value love.  Read the book "Love and Respect".  Its red and white and I forgot who the author is.  Someone we really don't know what is best with ourselves.  We fall in love with a man, who will not love us the way a respectable Godly man should.  And those feelings change over time.  Feelings should NEVER be our foundation, that is immature.  Our decision should be our foundation, is helps us to grow when we commit to them in despite of our feelings.

Offline Martina/sublics

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Re: not in love with husband but he is a wonderful man
« Reply #17 on: Mon Jan 27, 2014 - 15:45:40 »
You know what you need to do tell him how you bin feeling tell him you need a break take that break make him agree to cut contact a good bit for 2 weeks go far away on your own no distractions an have a think an see how you feel somtimes when we have cake we want chocolate. Somtimes when we have somthing so good we take it for granted an are foolish an if you lost that man it mite just hit you as the biggest mistake of your life. Tell him how you feel an that u dont know what an that its got you down or wat wat i siad see how life is without him. Do not chuck the towel in an walk down the road because belive me down the road is no better an all this will be again with a diffrent man an then you will die an go amd thinking not again. Go to God thank him for every blessing an ask him to work on your heart take your head out of life put it in the bible an teachings an she will show you a way clear. What the Lord puts together do not give away for no apparent reason then im not in love runnning head over heels because one day that when your old that steady man nice man when your sick ill having a hip replacement will be just what you need to look after you an how foolish to chuck his love away

Offline brokenveteran

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Re: not in love with husband but he is a wonderful man
« Reply #18 on: Tue Jan 28, 2014 - 19:37:34 »
I agree with others that LOVE is a choice, especially after the honeymoon period, and that Christian counseling is important.

A book that made a difference for me was Dr. Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate.


Offline p.progress

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Re: not in love with husband but he is a wonderful man
« Reply #19 on: Tue Jan 28, 2014 - 22:46:46 »
Normally I end up writing long posts. So this will surely morph into one as well.
But here I'll just advise you to pray...pray until your seemingly lifeless or shallow cries begin to sink down and take root deep within your heart. Praying that the Lord in his time will do as he has promised in giving you - awakening you actually, why it is that you have good reasons to feel the depth of affection that both any woman would want for her husband and any man would be overwhelmed and overjoyed she has for him, and visa versa.

In time...perhaps not nearly as long from now as you may fear. He will answer your prayer, and fill you with the kind of, and kinds of love which you only have a flickering hope of experiencing now.


Someone spoke of foundations.
Let me just add here that if the Enemy (Satan) has locked your mind into believing “Well, I didn't built on the right foundation; so what can one do when your house is already built on such a poor and (thus) unstable thing as I have?” Good question. Here's the answer: EXCAVATE!

Just like a specialist foundation builder/repairer would do to provide a stable and solid new foundation to an old house or one that was built or a faulty one. You too can and must begin to DIG down deep around your 'HOUSE', and lay down a proper foundation, that WILL support your 'HOUSE' and make it solid and secure. Not only for the years to come, but also for the storms that will arise as from time to time.

Your marriage can be made to enjoy and benefit by this type of solid foundation. But more importantly your life needs the benefit of this renovation work. The way you think and what you do in all 'your' ways (endeavors) can have no better chance to succeed, than to follow the Lord's recipe, which includes “receiv[ing] with meekness the engrafted word, which is able to save your soul”. The LORD says, "My ways are not your ways and my thoughts are not your thoughts...". He exhorts us therefore to learn his thoughts and ways and his paths; to learn to think as he does; to have the mind of his Son...to discover how he thinks and in turn commands us to learn, think and do.

It is a process. But if you don't decide to commit yourself in an earnest way, and to begin traveling his path, to learn his ways, to become “transformed by the renewing of your mind”. You can count on remaining trapped in your thoughts and ways, and in turn suffer the natural consequences from doing so.

But since you are looking for help and advice, I am sure your getting on in attempting (to some degree) traveling the right path, in hopes of resolving the conflicts and the burdens you have expressed therein.

Below are two beautiful songs that I find bring clarity to what we are to be about and what hinders us in pursuing that which will alone provide us with peace, joy, contentment and direction; and the point us in the right direction to experience the humility we need, to receive the grace that we need, in “our time of need”, both “to do and to will of his [God's] good pleasure”.

But before I share them. Let me echo others here and say:
Take the notion of separation or divorce off the table once and for all. The bottom-line, to think and consider that it somehow is an option and/or some kind of solution or even temporary fix is to fail to grasp the way of God. Plus, it is sin in itself to think of it as an option.

I guarantee your husband if aware of your thoughts in that vein, is heartbroken. And though you may never see him do so, I am sure God and the angels see and hear his convulsing sobs when he is alone to grieve over your folly in that regard. He wants you to love him to be sure. But if he wanted you to quote: 'love him or else leave him', he'd have told you so. And if he ever does, he too would have shown he'd succumbed to the flesh.

As it is, he loves you. And you too can choose to do and express the love of God for your husband. The sort of love that Paul lays out, and is to be understood as the supreme definition of love penned to date.

It is the kind that is not dependent upon emotions, senses or 'feelings'. So none of us can claim we can't love. It is not a question of can't but won't. Because anyone can make a choice to do the things Paul wrote to the saints in Corinth [1Cor. 13], if they are willing and obedient; loving and honoring God. The feelings follow and will ebb and flow, but they'll be there. But if not, then you'll have the peace, joy and contentment of God to rest upon and enjoy having done the will of God from the heart...patiently waiting for your soul to experience the affections that can hardly help from rising up in your soul, when you do the will of God towards and on the behalf of your husband. Christ said, “Where our heart is there will be your treasure”. What you invest in and build equity in, you'll value. This is more true in spiritual investments than in anything else.

You are commanded to both “reverence” and “love” your [own] husband. It is up then to you if you love God and desire to please him in a healthy and real way; it is up to you to discover how to put these things into practice. In the process, you will find the Holy Spirit is there to grant insight to you along the way. So that as a added serendipitous gift, you in turn will be able to comfort, encourage and teach other woman who God will bring into your life in years to come; comfort, encourage and teach them how to love their husbands and children, even as you will have learned by doing the will of God (from the heart).

If you lift your head and set your eyes on the things above, you'll begin to see from that perspective. Then you'll find yourself lifted out of and delivered form the labyrinth (maze) of ignorance, self and wicked unbelief.

Faith “cometh by hearing” - hearing what? “the Word of God”. Ignorance is dispelled like the darkness by the Word of God – but only by looking steadily into it (that is by mastering it, through reading it, rereading and more rereading of it, and rigorous study of it...all in good time).


Be a woman therefore, who expects God to do a work in your heart as you “lay hold” on the “horns of the alter” (so to speak) and cry to God for such love, joy, peace and wisdom as he promises to those who seek him with their whole heart. Don't draw back from doing so, be persistent. It may be that because you're not sure how to engage your whole heart in this pursuit (or that you even can), you (for the same reason others draw back) don't really give yourself the chance or invest the required effort. It is closer then you think. But it does require 'digging in' and laboring to enter “into his rest”. think

Believe he will do as he promises and put your 'shoulder to the plow', saying to him “I will not let you go until you bless me!” “I am going to prove your promises are real or that they are fables!” He can handle your doubts, as long as you are sincere in your willingness to test him by taking him at his Word.

Seek him and that with commitment; not wicked lazy unbelief. Then you'll find as others have, that the promises that “you will be found of me” is more real than you ever imagined. It is an experience that one cannot relate in words. It must be experienced. The joy of that event is indescribable.

But until such time as you grow in our depth of walk with the Lord, you can by faith obey him in the commands he gives to you as a wife.


“Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.”

There was a song many years ago sung by a woman named Kelly Willard called “Willing Heart”. I found the lyrics and pasted them below. Hope it gives you encouragement. It is very good to help you see what it takes to receive a willing heart. [look on YouTube: Kelly Willard+Willing Heart]:

Once I Stumbled In The Darkness, Doing Only As I Pleased
But I Wasn't Really Happy, And My Heart Was Not At Ease
I Just Didn't Have The Willingness To Follow His Commands
'til I Layed My Heart Completely In His Hands
[chorus]
If You Don't Have A Willing Heart, Ask Him To Give You One
If You Can't Seem To Make A Start, Trust In His Power
For The Lord Of Love Is Watching You
He Sees What You're Going Through
And He Can Make A Way, If You Want Him To
Oh, Do You Want Him To?
Then, Tell Him So
All The Things My Heart Held Onto Only Filled Me With Despair
And The Road That I Was Traveling Never Took Me Anywhere
And I Knew No Satisfaction 'til I Found My Rest In Him
Then He Filled My Heart With Gladness Once Again



Kelly Willard also recorded a version of Ira Stanphill's beautiful song “Follow Me” [you can find it on YouTube]. Both of these songs and many more sung by Kelly Willard are very powerful in focusing your thoughts are things above and of eternal value, and as a consequence guide and lift you out of one's self absorption.
FOLLOW ME
By Ira Stamphill

I traveled down a lonely road and no one seemed to care,
The burden on my weary back had bowed me to despair,
I oft complained to Jesus how folks were treating me,
And then I heard Him so so tenderly,
"My feet were also weary upon the Calv'ry road,
The cross became so heavy I fell beneath the load,
Be faithful weary pilgrim, the morning I can see,
Just lift your cross and follow close to me."

"I work so hard for Jesus" I often boast and say,
"I've sacrificed a lot of things to walk the narrow way,
I gave up fame and fortune; I'm worth a lot to thee,"
And then I heard Him gently say to me,
"I left the throne of glory and counted it but loss,
My hands were nailed in anger upon a cruel cross,
But now we'll make the journey with your hand safe in mine,
So lift your cross and follow close to me."

Oh Jesus if I die upon a foreign field someday
'Twould be no more than love demands, no less could I repay,
"No greater love hath mortal man than for a friend to die,"
These are the words he gently spoke to me,
"If just a cup of water I place within your hand
Then just a cup of water is all that I demand,"
But if by death to living they can thy glory see,
I'll take my cross and follow close to thee.
« Last Edit: Tue Jan 28, 2014 - 23:26:06 by p.progress »

Offline DaveW

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Re: not in love with husband but he is a wonderful man
« Reply #20 on: Wed Jan 29, 2014 - 08:00:00 »
I agree with others that LOVE is a choice, especially after the honeymoon period, and that Christian counseling is important.

That depends on what kind of love you are talking about.  (ref: CS Lewis "The Four Loves")

Agape is a choice;  but storge (sense of belonging together) phileo (friendship or sibling love) and eros (includes both sexuality and romance) are NOT choices.

Offline epiphanius

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Re: not in love with husband but he is a wonderful man
« Reply #21 on: Wed Jan 29, 2014 - 09:52:59 »
That depends on what kind of love you are talking about.  (ref: CS Lewis "The Four Loves")

Agape is a choice;  but storge (sense of belonging together) phileo (friendship or sibling love) and eros (includes both sexuality and romance) are NOT choices.
Dave,

I agree with your answer, but it's incomplete. The reason I say this is that while it's true other kinds of love are driven by feeling, and only agape is a choice, it is also true that when someone makes the choice for agape, it begins to change the way they feel about the other person. Then, the longer the person continues to make that choice, the stronger the feelings become.

Offline DaveW

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Re: not in love with husband but he is a wonderful man
« Reply #22 on: Wed Jan 29, 2014 - 09:58:12 »
That depends on what kind of love you are talking about.  (ref: CS Lewis "The Four Loves")

Agape is a choice;  but storge (sense of belonging together) phileo (friendship or sibling love) and eros (includes both sexuality and romance) are NOT choices.
Dave,

I agree with your answer, but it's incomplete. The reason I say this is that while it's true other kinds of love are driven by feeling, and only agape is a choice, it is also true that when someone makes the choice for agape, it begins to change the way they feel about the other person. Then, the longer the person continues to make that choice, the stronger the feelings become.

That is true in some people, perhaps even a majority of people; but it is NOT true for everyone.  Emotions are funny and fickle things; sometimes running completely opposite to what we think or want.

That is why we cannot base our walk with the Lord or make life-choices based on emotions.

Offline LostInNewYork

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Re: not in love with husband but he is a wonderful man
« Reply #23 on: Fri Jan 31, 2014 - 00:51:20 »
I've been married 5 years, I'm in my twenties, and I can honestly say I lucked out in finding a very attractive, very talented, very kind hearted man. However, I have come to the conclusion that I am not in love with him. When we were planning to get married, I struggled with a lot of doubt over whether or not this was the right thing to do, but I got married anyway. I've lived to regret that decision because I have made both of our lives very difficult for most of our marriage. I seem to be a person who does not know what she wants, and so I think I have constantly kept my husband on edge with my "consistently inconsistent" behavior. I tend to get very depressed, and at this stage in the marriage I am majorly depressed. I've prayed for God to help me be strong and to teach me how to love my husband. I realize I made a mistake in the beginning, and I've been willing to try to make it work (to the best of my ability which, sadly, isn't all that impressive a lot of the time), but I feel absolutely hopeless. I care for my husband, but there are just some things about our relationship that leave me feeling so empty. I don't miss him when he is away, I don't really long to have him with me. I want to feel that way toward him. I know that that would make him feel so much happier and I would be too. At this point, I'm almost certain that it is better for me to leave than to stay. My outbursts of frustration and hopelessness are a drain on us both, and I feel like the world's absolute worst person for putting him through this.
I don't know why God would not honor a request to help someone do the right thing, but it seems in this situation that he is not making it very easy on me. But I guess asking this of God after having made a blatant decision to get married knowing I was not sure would be asking a bit much. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thank you.

MY wife is doing the same thing to me, although we have been together longer and were previously happily married.  She was involved in an emotional affair with another and is not over it yet.  As great as she was before is as awful as she is now.  Honestly, I don't like people like you (I don't care if it is a male or female doing it), but I respect that  you are seeking positive advice here, and you have gotten some.  The problem I see is that people like you tend to have difficulty following that advice or feeling fulfilled from the suggestions as to your biblical duty.  What I see is too many people giving in to their own desires and destroying families.  We are supposed to forgive, but I see this as about as close to an unforgivable trespass as there is, especially where there is an affair involved. 

Offline p.progress

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Re: not in love with husband but he is a wonderful man
« Reply #24 on: Thu Mar 09, 2017 - 22:26:35 »
Normally I end up writing long posts. So this will surely morph into one as well.
But here I'll just advise you to pray...pray until your seemingly lifeless or shallow cries begin to sink down and take root deep within your heart. Praying that the Lord in his time will do as he has promised in giving you - awakening you actually, why it is that you have good reasons to feel the depth of affection that both any woman would want for her husband and any man would be overwhelmed and overjoyed she has for him, and visa versa.

In time...perhaps not nearly as long from now as you may fear. He will answer your prayer, and fill you with the kind of, and kinds of love which you only have a flickering hope of experiencing now.


Someone spoke of foundations.
Let me just add here that if the Enemy (Satan) has locked your mind into believing “Well, I didn't built on the right foundation; so what can one do when your house is already built on such a poor and (thus) unstable thing as I have?” Good question. Here's the answer: EXCAVATE!

Just like a specialist foundation builder/repairer would do to provide a stable and solid new foundation to an old house or one that was built or a faulty one. You too can and must begin to DIG down deep around your 'HOUSE', and lay down a proper foundation, that WILL support your 'HOUSE' and make it solid and secure. Not only for the years to come, but also for the storms that will arise as from time to time.

Your marriage can be made to enjoy and benefit by this type of solid foundation. But more importantly your life needs the benefit of this renovation work. The way you think and what you do in all 'your' ways (endeavors) can have no better chance to succeed, than to follow the Lord's recipe, which includes “receiv[ing] with meekness the engrafted word, which is able to save your soul”. The LORD says, "My ways are not your ways and my thoughts are not your thoughts...". He exhorts us therefore to learn his thoughts and ways and his paths; to learn to think as he does; to have the mind of his Son...to discover how he thinks and in turn commands us to learn, think and do.

It is a process. But if you don't decide to commit yourself in an earnest way, and to begin traveling his path, to learn his ways, to become “transformed by the renewing of your mind”. You can count on remaining trapped in your thoughts and ways, and in turn suffer the natural consequences from doing so.

But since you are looking for help and advice, I am sure your getting on in attempting (to some degree) traveling the right path, in hopes of resolving the conflicts and the burdens you have expressed therein.

Below are two beautiful songs that I find bring clarity to what we are to be about and what hinders us in pursuing that which will alone provide us with peace, joy, contentment and direction; and the point us in the right direction to experience the humility we need, to receive the grace that we need, in “our time of need”, both “to do and to will of his [God's] good pleasure”.

But before I share them. Let me echo others here and say:
Take the notion of separation or divorce off the table once and for all. The bottom-line, to think and consider that it somehow is an option and/or some kind of solution or even temporary fix is to fail to grasp the way of God. Plus, it is sin in itself to think of it as an option.

I guarantee your husband if aware of your thoughts in that vein, is heartbroken. And though you may never see him do so, I am sure God and the angels see and hear his convulsing sobs when he is alone to grieve over your folly in that regard. He wants you to love him to be sure. But if he wanted you to quote: 'love him or else leave him', he'd have told you so. And if he ever does, he too would have shown he'd succumbed to the flesh.

As it is, he loves you. And you too can choose to do and express the love of God for your husband. The sort of love that Paul lays out, and is to be understood as the supreme definition of love penned to date.

It is the kind that is not dependent upon emotions, senses or 'feelings'. So none of us can claim we can't love. It is not a question of can't but won't. Because anyone can make a choice to do the things Paul wrote to the saints in Corinth [1Cor. 13], if they are willing and obedient; loving and honoring God. The feelings follow and will ebb and flow, but they'll be there. But if not, then you'll have the peace, joy and contentment of God to rest upon and enjoy having done the will of God from the heart...patiently waiting for your soul to experience the affections that can hardly help from rising up in your soul, when you do the will of God towards and on the behalf of your husband. Christ said, “Where our heart is there will be your treasure”. What you invest in and build equity in, you'll value. This is more true in spiritual investments than in anything else.

You are commanded to both “reverence” and “love” your [own] husband. It is up then to you if you love God and desire to please him in a healthy and real way; it is up to you to discover how to put these things into practice. In the process, you will find the Holy Spirit is there to grant insight to you along the way. So that as a added serendipitous gift, you in turn will be able to comfort, encourage and teach other woman who God will bring into your life in years to come; comfort, encourage and teach them how to love their husbands and children, even as you will have learned by doing the will of God (from the heart).

If you lift your head and set your eyes on the things above, you'll begin to see from that perspective. Then you'll find yourself lifted out of and delivered form the labyrinth (maze) of ignorance, self and wicked unbelief.

Faith “cometh by hearing” - hearing what? “the Word of God”. Ignorance is dispelled like the darkness by the Word of God – but only by looking steadily into it (that is by mastering it, through reading it, rereading and more rereading of it, and rigorous study of it...all in good time).


Be a woman therefore, who expects God to do a work in your heart as you “lay hold” on the “horns of the alter” (so to speak) and cry to God for such love, joy, peace and wisdom as he promises to those who seek him with their whole heart. Don't draw back from doing so, be persistent. It may be that because you're not sure how to engage your whole heart in this pursuit (or that you even can), you (for the same reason others draw back) don't really give yourself the chance or invest the required effort. It is closer then you think. But it does require 'digging in' and laboring to enter “into his rest”. think

Believe he will do as he promises and put your 'shoulder to the plow', saying to him “I will not let you go until you bless me!” “I am going to prove your promises are real or that they are fables!” He can handle your doubts, as long as you are sincere in your willingness to test him by taking him at his Word.

Seek him and that with commitment; not wicked lazy unbelief. Then you'll find as others have, that the promises that “you will be found of me” is more real than you ever imagined. It is an experience that one cannot relate in words. It must be experienced. The joy of that event is indescribable.

But until such time as you grow in our depth of walk with the Lord, you can by faith obey him in the commands he gives to you as a wife.


“Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.”

There was a song many years ago sung by a woman named Kelly Willard called “Willing Heart”. I found the lyrics and pasted them below. Hope it gives you encouragement. It is very good to help you see what it takes to receive a willing heart. [look on YouTube: Kelly Willard+Willing Heart]:

Once I Stumbled In The Darkness, Doing Only As I Pleased
But I Wasn't Really Happy, And My Heart Was Not At Ease
I Just Didn't Have The Willingness To Follow His Commands
'til I Layed My Heart Completely In His Hands
[chorus]
If You Don't Have A Willing Heart, Ask Him To Give You One
If You Can't Seem To Make A Start, Trust In His Power
For The Lord Of Love Is Watching You
He Sees What You're Going Through
And He Can Make A Way, If You Want Him To
Oh, Do You Want Him To?
Then, Tell Him So
All The Things My Heart Held Onto Only Filled Me With Despair
And The Road That I Was Traveling Never Took Me Anywhere
And I Knew No Satisfaction 'til I Found My Rest In Him
Then He Filled My Heart With Gladness Once Again



Kelly Willard also recorded a version of Ira Stanphill's beautiful song “Follow Me” [you can find it on YouTube]. Both of these songs and many more sung by Kelly Willard are very powerful in focusing your thoughts are things above and of eternal value, and as a consequence guide and lift you out of one's self absorption.
FOLLOW ME
By Ira Stamphill

I traveled down a lonely road and no one seemed to care,
The burden on my weary back had bowed me to despair,
I oft complained to Jesus how folks were treating me,
And then I heard Him so so tenderly,
"My feet were also weary upon the Calv'ry road,
The cross became so heavy I fell beneath the load,
Be faithful weary pilgrim, the morning I can see,
Just lift your cross and follow close to me."

"I work so hard for Jesus" I often boast and say,
"I've sacrificed a lot of things to walk the narrow way,
I gave up fame and fortune; I'm worth a lot to thee,"
And then I heard Him gently say to me,
"I left the throne of glory and counted it but loss,
My hands were nailed in anger upon a cruel cross,
But now we'll make the journey with your hand safe in mine,
So lift your cross and follow close to me."

Oh Jesus if I die upon a foreign field someday
'Twould be no more than love demands, no less could I repay,
"No greater love hath mortal man than for a friend to die,"
These are the words he gently spoke to me,
"If just a cup of water I place within your hand
Then just a cup of water is all that I demand,"
But if by death to living they can thy glory see,
I'll take my cross and follow close to thee.