Normally I end up writing long posts. So this will surely morph into one as well.
But here I'll just advise you to pray...pray until your seemingly lifeless or shallow cries begin to sink down and take root deep within your heart. Praying that the Lord in his time will do as he has promised in giving you - awakening you actually, why it is that you have good reasons to feel the depth of affection that both any woman would want for her husband and any man would be overwhelmed and overjoyed she has for him, and visa versa.
In time...perhaps not nearly as long from now as you may fear. He will answer your prayer, and fill you with the kind of, and kinds of love which you only have a flickering hope of experiencing now.
Someone spoke of foundations.
Let me just add here that if the Enemy (Satan) has locked your mind into believing “Well, I didn't built on the right foundation; so what can one do when your house is already built on such a poor and (thus) unstable thing as I have?” Good question. Here's the answer: EXCAVATE!
Just like a specialist foundation builder/repairer would do to provide a stable and solid new foundation to an old house or one that was built or a faulty one. You too can and must begin to DIG down deep around your 'HOUSE', and lay down a proper foundation, that WILL support your 'HOUSE' and make it solid and secure. Not only for the years to come, but also for the storms that will arise as from time to time.
Your marriage can be made to enjoy and benefit by this type of solid foundation. But more importantly your life needs the benefit of this renovation work. The way you think and what you do in all 'your' ways (endeavors) can have no better chance to succeed, than to follow the Lord's recipe, which includes “receiv[ing] with meekness the engrafted word, which is able to save your soul”. The LORD says, "My ways are not your ways and my thoughts are not your thoughts...". He exhorts us therefore to learn his thoughts and ways and his paths; to learn to think as he does; to have the mind of his Son...to discover how he thinks and in turn commands us to learn, think and do.
It is a process. But if you don't decide to commit yourself in an earnest way, and to begin traveling his path, to learn his ways, to become “transformed by the renewing of your mind”. You can count on remaining trapped in your thoughts and ways, and in turn suffer the natural consequences from doing so.
But since you are looking for help and advice, I am sure your getting on in attempting (to some degree) traveling the right path, in hopes of resolving the conflicts and the burdens you have expressed therein.
Below are two beautiful songs that I find bring clarity to what we are to be about and what hinders us in pursuing that which will alone provide us with peace, joy, contentment and direction; and the point us in the right direction to experience the humility we need, to receive the grace that we need, in “our time of need”, both “to do and to will of his [God's] good pleasure”.
But before I share them. Let me echo others here and say:
Take the notion of separation or divorce off the table once and for all. The bottom-line, to think and consider that it somehow is an option and/or some kind of solution or even temporary fix is to fail to grasp the way of God. Plus, it is sin in itself to think of it as an option.
I guarantee your husband if aware of your thoughts in that vein, is heartbroken. And though you may never see him do so, I am sure God and the angels see and hear his convulsing sobs when he is alone to grieve over your folly in that regard. He wants you to love him to be sure. But if he wanted you to quote: 'love him or else leave him', he'd have told you so. And if he ever does, he too would have shown he'd succumbed to the flesh.
As it is, he loves you. And you too can choose to do and express the love of God for your husband. The sort of love that Paul lays out, and is to be understood as the supreme definition of love penned to date.
It is the kind that is not dependent upon emotions, senses or 'feelings'. So none of us can claim we can't love. It is not a question of can't but won't. Because anyone can make a choice to do the things Paul wrote to the saints in Corinth [1Cor. 13], if they are willing and obedient; loving and honoring God. The feelings follow and will ebb and flow, but they'll be there. But if not, then you'll have the peace, joy and contentment of God to rest upon and enjoy having done the will of God from the heart...patiently waiting for your soul to experience the affections that can hardly help from rising up in your soul, when you do the will of God towards and on the behalf of your husband. Christ said, “Where our heart is there will be your treasure”. What you invest in and build equity in, you'll value. This is more true in spiritual investments than in anything else.
You are commanded to both “reverence” and “love” your [own] husband. It is up then to you if you love God and desire to please him in a healthy and real way; it is up to you to discover how to put these things into practice. In the process, you will find the Holy Spirit is there to grant insight to you along the way. So that as a added serendipitous gift, you in turn will be able to comfort, encourage and teach other woman who God will bring into your life in years to come; comfort, encourage and teach them how to love their husbands and children, even as you will have learned by doing the will of God (from the heart).
If you lift your head and set your eyes on the things above, you'll begin to see from that perspective. Then you'll find yourself lifted out of and delivered form the labyrinth (maze) of ignorance, self and wicked unbelief.
Faith “cometh by hearing” - hearing what? “the Word of God”. Ignorance is dispelled like the darkness by the Word of God – but only by looking steadily into it (that is by mastering it, through reading it, rereading and more rereading of it, and rigorous study of it...all in good time).
Be a woman therefore, who expects God to do a work in your heart as you “lay hold” on the “horns of the alter” (so to speak) and cry to God for such love, joy, peace and wisdom as he promises to those who seek him with their whole heart. Don't draw back from doing so, be persistent. It may be that because you're not sure how to engage your whole heart in this pursuit (or that you even can), you (for the same reason others draw back) don't really give yourself the chance or invest the required effort. It is closer then you think. But it does require 'digging in' and laboring to enter “into his rest”. think
Believe he will do as he promises and put your 'shoulder to the plow', saying to him “I will not let you go until you bless me!” “I am going to prove your promises are real or that they are fables!” He can handle your doubts, as long as you are sincere in your willingness to test him by taking him at his Word.
Seek him and that with commitment; not wicked lazy unbelief. Then you'll find as others have, that the promises that “you will be found of me” is more real than you ever imagined. It is an experience that one cannot relate in words. It must be experienced. The joy of that event is indescribable.
But until such time as you grow in our depth of walk with the Lord, you can by faith obey him in the commands he gives to you as a wife.
“Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.”
There was a song many years ago sung by a woman named Kelly Willard called “Willing Heart”. I found the lyrics and pasted them below. Hope it gives you encouragement. It is very good to help you see what it takes to receive a willing heart. [look on YouTube: Kelly Willard+Willing Heart]:
Once I Stumbled In The Darkness, Doing Only As I Pleased
But I Wasn't Really Happy, And My Heart Was Not At Ease
I Just Didn't Have The Willingness To Follow His Commands
'til I Layed My Heart Completely In His Hands
If You Don't Have A Willing Heart, Ask Him To Give You One
If You Can't Seem To Make A Start, Trust In His Power
For The Lord Of Love Is Watching You
He Sees What You're Going Through
And He Can Make A Way, If You Want Him To
Oh, Do You Want Him To?
Then, Tell Him So
All The Things My Heart Held Onto Only Filled Me With Despair
And The Road That I Was Traveling Never Took Me Anywhere
And I Knew No Satisfaction 'til I Found My Rest In Him
Then He Filled My Heart With Gladness Once Again
Kelly Willard also recorded a version of Ira Stanphill's beautiful song “Follow Me” [you can find it on YouTube]. Both of these songs and many more sung by Kelly Willard are very powerful in focusing your thoughts are things above and of eternal value, and as a consequence guide and lift you out of one's self absorption.
By Ira Stamphill
I traveled down a lonely road and no one seemed to care,
The burden on my weary back had bowed me to despair,
I oft complained to Jesus how folks were treating me,
And then I heard Him so so tenderly,
"My feet were also weary upon the Calv'ry road,
The cross became so heavy I fell beneath the load,
Be faithful weary pilgrim, the morning I can see,
Just lift your cross and follow close to me."
"I work so hard for Jesus" I often boast and say,
"I've sacrificed a lot of things to walk the narrow way,
I gave up fame and fortune; I'm worth a lot to thee,"
And then I heard Him gently say to me,
"I left the throne of glory and counted it but loss,
My hands were nailed in anger upon a cruel cross,
But now we'll make the journey with your hand safe in mine,
So lift your cross and follow close to me."
Oh Jesus if I die upon a foreign field someday
'Twould be no more than love demands, no less could I repay,
"No greater love hath mortal man than for a friend to die,"
These are the words he gently spoke to me,
"If just a cup of water I place within your hand
Then just a cup of water is all that I demand,"
But if by death to living they can thy glory see,
I'll take my cross and follow close to thee.