passionate-less, sex-less christian marriage....

[His Princess]

I know I've been beating a dead horse here, but I think it still has something to do with the children and being a mom.  Before that there wasn't a problem. 

Oh please, if that's her excuse, then she's a major wimp.  I had SIX kids all very, very close together and I never used that as an excuse.   On top of that, my house was always moderately, at least, clean, the laundry was always done, and there was always a hot meal on the table at night.  So when I hear of someone complaining who has 2 or 3 kids, I chuckle because in my eyes, they're on easy street.

[806jjbz]

Well, just to update everyone, since I have begun to express my concerns more and suggest marriage counseling, she seems to be slowly taking a bit more notice of our situation, we talked for a while last night and she expressed concerns about not having enough time for her family and she finally expressed (although it was slight) concern about our marriage, saying that she wants to be a better wife to me, and mother. I am pretty happy that at least she seems to be recognizing some sort of issues, she still doesnt see anything in particular, she is just feeling a general sense of "lack", but maybe she will have some light bulbs go off in her head about some particular things. I think it is helping that I am standing up for myself and not dropping the counseling idea, I think that has been somewhat of an eye opener as well as my suggestion to begin a bible study on marriage. She has also suggested again that we read the "love languages" book too...yay! I think she is now seeing that my "issues" arent completely sexual as she has assumed ever since we got married.

Please keep us in your prayers, and hopefully this direction we seem to be looking at is the right one.

I do plan on being on this board every day, so please keep the comments, opinions, and discussions on this post going. Believe me I take every post to heart and think on each opinion. everyone here is a great help!

[His Princess]

Well, just to update everyone, since I have begun to express my concerns more and suggest marriage counseling, she seems to be slowly taking a bit more notice of our situation, we talked for a while last night and she expressed concerns about not having enough time for her family and she finally expressed (although it was slight) concern about our marriage, saying that she wants to be a better wife to me, and mother. I am pretty happy that at least she seems to be recognizing some sort of issues, she still doesnt see anything in particular, she is just feeling a general sense of "lack", but maybe she will have some light bulbs go off in her head about some particular things. I think it is helping that I am standing up for myself and not dropping the counseling idea, I think that has been somewhat of an eye opener as well as my suggestion to begin a bible study on marriage. She has also suggested again that we read the "love languages" book too...yay! I think she is now seeing that my "issues" arent completely sexual as she has assumed ever since we got married.

Please keep us in your prayers, and hopefully this direction we seem to be looking at is the right one.

I do plan on being on this board every day, so please keep the comments, opinions, and discussions on this post going. Believe me I take every post to heart and think on each opinion. everyone here is a great help!

This is wonderful news!  I'm so happy for you that things are going in the right direction, that's great!  Stick with it and keep in touch with us, too, so we know how you're doing.

[chosenone]

Well, just to update everyone, since I have begun to express my concerns more and suggest marriage counseling, she seems to be slowly taking a bit more notice of our situation, we talked for a while last night and she expressed concerns about not having enough time for her family and she finally expressed (although it was slight) concern about our marriage, saying that she wants to be a better wife to me, and mother. I am pretty happy that at least she seems to be recognizing some sort of issues, she still doesnt see anything in particular, she is just feeling a general sense of "lack", but maybe she will have some light bulbs go off in her head about some particular things. I think it is helping that I am standing up for myself and not dropping the counseling idea, I think that has been somewhat of an eye opener as well as my suggestion to begin a bible study on marriage. She has also suggested again that we read the "love languages" book too...yay! I think she is now seeing that my "issues" arent completely sexual as she has assumed ever since we got married.

Please keep us in your prayers, and hopefully this direction we seem to be looking at is the right one.

I do plan on being on this board every day, so please keep the comments, opinions, and discussions on this post going. Believe me I take every post to heart and think on each opinion. everyone here is a great help!

Well done for sticking to your guns and dont give up the idea of counselling even if she does carry on agreeing to these others things. Its sounds as if she is at last recognising that things arent right, and hopefully will be willing to really work on it together.  Thats great news, we will continue to pray for a much improved and happier marriage for you both. 

[Imabear]

I know I've been beating a dead horse here, but I think it still has something to do with the children and being a mom.  Before that there wasn't a problem. 

w8ing4
Yes, having children does definately change us but it doesnt usually make us very selfish unless we already are underneath does it? This lady is acting in a very bad way. She threatens to leave and take the children away everytime he tries to speak to her about their problems in their marriage.That is cruel and very controlling and causes him to have to back away again and everything just stays the same (which is how she wants it of course).
 I just hope that the children arent around when she says this. How will that make them feel?Very insecure and scared I would think. In my opinion she needs to think less about herself  and what SHE wants and more about her childrens feelings and her husbands feelings and needs.

I think must not be expressing myself well if you think I'm saying she is justified in behaving that way.  That wasn't what I was trying to say.

[His Princess]

I know I've been beating a dead horse here, but I think it still has something to do with the children and being a mom.  Before that there wasn't a problem. 

w8ing4
Yes, having children does definately change us but it doesnt usually make us very selfish unless we already are underneath does it? This lady is acting in a very bad way. She threatens to leave and take the children away everytime he tries to speak to her about their problems in their marriage.That is cruel and very controlling and causes him to have to back away again and everything just stays the same (which is how she wants it of course).
 I just hope that the children arent around when she says this. How will that make them feel?Very insecure and scared I would think. In my opinion she needs to think less about herself  and what SHE wants and more about her childrens feelings and her husbands feelings and needs.

I think must not be expressing myself well if you think I'm saying she is justified in behaving that way.  That wasn't what I was trying to say.

I apologize for sounding so negative to what you said.   I shouldn't have sounded so grumpy this morning!

[The unloved one]

This will probably be a hot topic, I am a 40 year old christian man living with a gorgeous 34 year old christian wife whom I absolutely adore, cherish, and am extremely attracted to, The problem is a common one it seems, my need for physical touch (non sexual or otherwise) and my sex drive is completely opposite of hers. She never, and I do mean literally never initiates anything sexual, we don't hold hands, (never really have), we don't kiss, ever. no hugs unless I initiate and even then its like me hugging my sister or something, very impersonal and cold. I am greeted everyday I come home with a "to-do" list (which I do), and I am also greeted with no hug, no kiss, nothing....Now please don't get me wrong, I am not here to paint a negative picture of my wife, I truly do love her, I credit her entirely for being the one that showed me the light and brought me to Christ, she saved my life, I fully believe I would not be here today if it weren't for God putting her smack in front of me, (literally) one day. So I am not here to bash my wife, I'm here to seek advice from a christian perspective on this issue because I am seeing the manifestation of the built up resentment I feel from the last 6 years or so of constant rejection and growing negativity and isolation I feel from her.

Same 'ol story, It started out great when we were married, I felt secure, I knew in my heart of hearts that she truly desired me in every way, she wanted to be with me, and she showed it. She was fun, fairly spontaneous, seemed to enjoy everything about being with me. But things started to sort of "cool off" for her, I thought nothing of it.

Fast forward, 2 years after marriage we got pregnant (totally planned), the day we confirmed the pregnancy, everything started downhill and has gone that way ever since. Its like she switched to "mommy mode" and apparently that takes precedence over the husbands needs, it has come to the point that she gets upset that I even want to talk about my problems, and if I so much as mention the words "touch", or "physical", or "sex", she gets extremely angry and accuses me of being oversexed, "is that all you think about?"  etc etc.

More background: we do have sex, she does enjoy it when we do, orgasm and all just about every time, the problem is that she can go months at a time without the thought of sex even crossing her mind, I consider myself lucky if we do it once every 4-6 weeks, and that only happens if I work for weeks at a time to "initiate", and yes I have tried all the "things women want" such as helping out around the house, helping with the kids, flowers or gifts for no reason, etc, etc. It does absolutely no good. I never get any recognition for the things I do, but wow, I get the lectures and speeches when I miss some dishes, or forget to take the trash out, etc.

So here's my question, and I want female input as well a male...

What happened??? why does it seem a woman's desire diminishes so easily and quickly after marriage? I have never cheated, I am still in good physical shape, I keep myself very well groomed, I tell her I love her and I tell her how incredibly gorgeous I think she is because...wow!, she really is quite gorgeous. I tell her constantly. she uses all the excuses, "I'm tired", "you don't know what I do all day", (shes a stay at home mom) "I've gained weight," I don't like my body anymore", etc etc...shes only gained maybe 25-30 lbs since children, doesn't bother me in the least. She has also lost most of that weight a few months ago, she has always told me, "if I could lose even 15 or 20 lbs, you'll see..guess what....nothing...
By the way, before all the posts start to arrive about "ohhh...kids! theres the problem, kids are hard"... don't bother going there because I know first hand the rigors of caring for kids at home, Ive done it. Yes its hard sometimes, but I am never so tired as to reject being with my wife. I just cant take any more daily rejection, but on the other hand I am absolutely not going to break up my family over this issue, nor am I going to have an affair or anything like that, the other side of it is, I am also not willing to spent the rest of my life with someone who just isn't all that intersted anymore...


HELP!

Sir,  I have never met your wife yet she seem to embody everything I fear in women. I must say I salute you, I would have probably taken the lowbrow path and guilted her with bible verses and letting taking her to couples counseling with a male counseler. Its situations like this that make me embrace being equal opportunity. As far as advice I wouldn't know what to tell you that follows with Gods law. I still can't see how you put up with that she is neglecting your needs and it doesn't seem fair, what if you suddenly stopped doing the same for her ( not sexually but otherwise) you would most likely be demonized as some kinda villian. I hope you get through this the right way instead of my way though. Good luck.

[806jjbz]

well,

Interesting development last night.

Things have been ok for the last week or so, she has admitted she needs to focus more on her marriage, etc.. all good things. Well last night we were talking, both in a good mood, she was looking particularly attractive in her nightshirt, kids were in bed early, so I made a lighthearted suggestion towards the bedroom. Guess that was a mistake..as soon as I made mention of going to our bedroom, she made that "ughhh/sigh" sound that she does so well, so I came back with a response of "gee, I feel so loved" (the mood was still kind of playful and lighthearted until I said that, then it went bad. As soon as I said that she said "see, thats the problem, you think sex IS love, you shouldnt feel less loved just because we dont have sex" I replied "no, I know sex is not love, but it is an expression of love within a marriage". She replied, "sex and love are two different things, (heres the shocker..) she then said "sex and love have absolutely nothing to do with each other" "Just because I dont want to have sex doesnt mean I love you less"

WOW..

So in other words, she thinks sex is a fleshly desire, and that love has nothing to do with it, even in marriage.

She has NO idea that the constant rejection is what makes me feel less loved.

Am I wrong or is that a ridiculous statement for her to make??

[His Princess]

well,

Interesting development last night.

Things have been ok for the last week or so, she has admitted she needs to focus more on her marriage, etc.. all good things. Well last night we were talking, both in a good mood, she was looking particularly attractive in her nightshirt, kids were in bed early, so I made a lighthearted suggestion towards the bedroom. Guess that was a mistake..as soon as I made mention of going to our bedroom, she made that "ughhh/sigh" sound that she does so well, so I came back with a response of "gee, I feel so loved" (the mood was still kind of playful and lighthearted until I said that, then it went bad. As soon as I said that she said "see, thats the problem, you think sex IS love, you shouldnt feel less loved just because we dont have sex" I replied "no, I know sex is not love, but it is an expression of love within a marriage". She replied, "sex and love are two different things, (heres the shocker..) she then said "sex and love have absolutely nothing to do with each other" "Just because I dont want to have sex doesnt mean I love you less"

WOW..

So in other words, she thinks sex is a fleshly desire, and that love has nothing to do with it, even in marriage.

She has NO idea that the constant rejection is what makes me feel less loved.

Am I wrong or is that a ridiculous statement for her to make??

Yea, that was a ridiculous statement for her to make.  She has absolutely no concept, none whatsoever, about how God designed sex to be between a married couple and she has no understanding of how men (husbands) feel about sex. 

Like I've said before, we can all agree with you so at least you know something's wrong here and it's not you, but it's still not going to change her.  I think it's incredibly sad, you are such a nice man with all the best intentions....she's throwing you and your love away and she doesn't even know it.  Yet.

My husband says (and forgive me if I've already said this on here) that "sex" is ONE of the ways a man expresses his love for his wife.  So if you constantly reject sex, you are rejecting your husband's love for you. 

[The unloved one]

well,

Interesting development last night.

Things have been ok for the last week or so, she has admitted she needs to focus more on her marriage, etc.. all good things. Well last night we were talking, both in a good mood, she was looking particularly attractive in her nightshirt, kids were in bed early, so I made a lighthearted suggestion towards the bedroom. Guess that was a mistake..as soon as I made mention of going to our bedroom, she made that "ughhh/sigh" sound that she does so well, so I came back with a response of "gee, I feel so loved" (the mood was still kind of playful and lighthearted until I said that, then it went bad. As soon as I said that she said "see, thats the problem, you think sex IS love, you shouldnt feel less loved just because we dont have sex" I replied "no, I know sex is not love, but it is an expression of love within a marriage". She replied, "sex and love are two different things, (heres the shocker..) she then said "sex and love have absolutely nothing to do with each other" "Just because I dont want to have sex doesnt mean I love you less"

WOW..

So in other words, she thinks sex is a fleshly desire, and that love has nothing to do with it, even in marriage.

She has NO idea that the constant rejection is what makes me feel less loved.

Am I wrong or is that a ridiculous statement for her to make??

Kind Sir,

 At this point I absolutly loathe your spouse, I would go as fars as to say she is a very very poor worker relationship wise. She might as well say that you affection is a one way street, I honestly think if I was in you shoes they would have a hard time find her again. She is treating you like a dog that did some bad. I am angry and wish I could help you out. I say couple counseling is needed as soon as possible.

[His Princess]

well,

Interesting development last night.

Things have been ok for the last week or so, she has admitted she needs to focus more on her marriage, etc.. all good things. Well last night we were talking, both in a good mood, she was looking particularly attractive in her nightshirt, kids were in bed early, so I made a lighthearted suggestion towards the bedroom. Guess that was a mistake..as soon as I made mention of going to our bedroom, she made that "ughhh/sigh" sound that she does so well, so I came back with a response of "gee, I feel so loved" (the mood was still kind of playful and lighthearted until I said that, then it went bad. As soon as I said that she said "see, thats the problem, you think sex IS love, you shouldnt feel less loved just because we dont have sex" I replied "no, I know sex is not love, but it is an expression of love within a marriage". She replied, "sex and love are two different things, (heres the shocker..) she then said "sex and love have absolutely nothing to do with each other" "Just because I dont want to have sex doesnt mean I love you less"

WOW..

So in other words, she thinks sex is a fleshly desire, and that love has nothing to do with it, even in marriage.

She has NO idea that the constant rejection is what makes me feel less loved.

Am I wrong or is that a ridiculous statement for her to make??

Kind Sir,

 At this point I absolutly loathe your spouse, I would go as fars as to say she is a very very poor worker relationship wise. She might as well say that you affection is a one way street, I honestly think if I was in you shoes they would have a hard time find her again. She is treating you like a dog that did some bad. I am angry and wish I could help you out. I say couple counseling is needed as soon as possible.

I have to say I agree with the sentiment expressed here.

[chosenone]

well,

Interesting development last night.

Things have been ok for the last week or so, she has admitted she needs to focus more on her marriage, etc.. all good things. Well last night we were talking, both in a good mood, she was looking particularly attractive in her nightshirt, kids were in bed early, so I made a lighthearted suggestion towards the bedroom. Guess that was a mistake..as soon as I made mention of going to our bedroom, she made that "ughhh/sigh" sound that she does so well, so I came back with a response of "gee, I feel so loved" (the mood was still kind of playful and lighthearted until I said that, then it went bad. As soon as I said that she said "see, thats the problem, you think sex IS love, you shouldnt feel less loved just because we dont have sex" I replied "no, I know sex is not love, but it is an expression of love within a marriage". She replied, "sex and love are two different things, (heres the shocker..) she then said "sex and love have absolutely nothing to do with each other" "Just because I dont want to have sex doesnt mean I love you less"

WOW..

So in other words, she thinks sex is a fleshly desire, and that love has nothing to do with it, even in marriage.

She has NO idea that the constant rejection is what makes me feel less loved.

Am I wrong or is that a ridiculous statement for her to make??

This is very sad. I am so sorry that it hasnt changed as yet. She obviously hasnt a clue that for a man, sex is part of love and that as His princess says for man a big way of showing his love is by having sex with the woman he loves. Many women seem to feel this way, that their husband are 'only after one thing' and that is so sad. Men need to have sex with their wives to be able to connect with them emotionally ( I read that somewhere!)
Would she read any of these marriage books that explain how vital and important sex is for  a man and a marriage?maybe then she would understand more.
it sounds as if you have to walk on eggshells with her trying not to say or do anything that makes her annoyed or reject you even more. I do agree that something needs to be done for you both. Maybe she has some sort of sexual hangup that a counsellor could help with?
Will keep on praying that something will change.

[His Princess]

well,

Interesting development last night.

Things have been ok for the last week or so, she has admitted she needs to focus more on her marriage, etc.. all good things. Well last night we were talking, both in a good mood, she was looking particularly attractive in her nightshirt, kids were in bed early, so I made a lighthearted suggestion towards the bedroom. Guess that was a mistake..as soon as I made mention of going to our bedroom, she made that "ughhh/sigh" sound that she does so well, so I came back with a response of "gee, I feel so loved" (the mood was still kind of playful and lighthearted until I said that, then it went bad. As soon as I said that she said "see, thats the problem, you think sex IS love, you shouldnt feel less loved just because we dont have sex" I replied "no, I know sex is not love, but it is an expression of love within a marriage". She replied, "sex and love are two different things, (heres the shocker..) she then said "sex and love have absolutely nothing to do with each other" "Just because I dont want to have sex doesnt mean I love you less"

WOW..

So in other words, she thinks sex is a fleshly desire, and that love has nothing to do with it, even in marriage.

She has NO idea that the constant rejection is what makes me feel less loved.

Am I wrong or is that a ridiculous statement for her to make??

This is very sad. I am so sorry that it hasnt changed as yet. She obviously hasnt a clue that for a man, sex is part of love and that as His princess says for man a big way of showing his love is by having sex with the woman he loves. Many women seem to feel this way, that their husband are 'only after one thing' and that is so sad. Men need to have sex with their wives to be able to connect with them emotionally ( I read that somewhere!)
Would she read any of these marriage books that explain how vital and important sex is for  a man and a marriage?maybe then she would understand more.
it sounds as if you have to walk on eggshells with her trying not to say or do anything that makes her annoyed or reject you even more. I do agree that something needs to be done for you both. Maybe she has some sort of sexual hangup that a counsellor could help with?
Will keep on praying that something will change.

Yes, I've read and heard from more than one source that men cannot fully connect with their wives emotionally if they're not having sex with them, that is absolutely true.  I've seen it.  Sex is, by far and away, the biggest thing a man wants/needs from his wife.  Wives need to understand this and go with it.  Personally, I don't understand why so many wives have this problem.  I just don't get it.  When my husband turns to me in bed, I think that's a good thing!  I'm GLAD he is attracted to me, glad he wants only me, glad he pours all his affections and attentions on to me.  I would never, ever reject that. 

[The unloved one]

well,

Interesting development last night.

Things have been ok for the last week or so, she has admitted she needs to focus more on her marriage, etc.. all good things. Well last night we were talking, both in a good mood, she was looking particularly attractive in her nightshirt, kids were in bed early, so I made a lighthearted suggestion towards the bedroom. Guess that was a mistake..as soon as I made mention of going to our bedroom, she made that "ughhh/sigh" sound that she does so well, so I came back with a response of "gee, I feel so loved" (the mood was still kind of playful and lighthearted until I said that, then it went bad. As soon as I said that she said "see, thats the problem, you think sex IS love, you shouldnt feel less loved just because we dont have sex" I replied "no, I know sex is not love, but it is an expression of love within a marriage". She replied, "sex and love are two different things, (heres the shocker..) she then said "sex and love have absolutely nothing to do with each other" "Just because I dont want to have sex doesnt mean I love you less"

WOW..

So in other words, she thinks sex is a fleshly desire, and that love has nothing to do with it, even in marriage.

She has NO idea that the constant rejection is what makes me feel less loved.

Am I wrong or is that a ridiculous statement for her to make??

This is very sad. I am so sorry that it hasnt changed as yet. She obviously hasnt a clue that for a man, sex is part of love and that as His princess says for man a big way of showing his love is by having sex with the woman he loves. Many women seem to feel this way, that their husband are 'only after one thing' and that is so sad. Men need to have sex with their wives to be able to connect with them emotionally ( I read that somewhere!)
Would she read any of these marriage books that explain how vital and important sex is for  a man and a marriage?maybe then she would understand more.
it sounds as if you have to walk on eggshells with her trying not to say or do anything that makes her annoyed or reject you even more. I do agree that something needs to be done for you both. Maybe she has some sort of sexual hangup that a counsellor could help with?
Will keep on praying that something will change.

Yes, I've read and heard from more than one source that men cannot fully connect with their wives emotionally if they're not having sex with them, that is absolutely true.  I've seen it.  Sex is, by far and away, the biggest thing a man wants/needs from his wife.  Wives need to understand this and go with it.  Personally, I don't understand why so many wives have this problem.  I just don't get it.  When my husband turns to me in bed, I think that's a good thing!  I'm GLAD he is attracted to me, glad he wants only me, glad he pours all his affections and attentions on to me.  I would never, ever reject that. 

You by far are the most awesome woman that I have heard. If more women were like you I would be heterosexual over night. Women could learn from you. Go forth and teach your sister sheep!

[Hehealedme]

Quote from: 806jjbz 
 

So in other words, she thinks sex is a fleshly desire, and that love has nothing to do with it, even in marriage.

She has NO idea that the constant rejection is what makes me feel less loved.

Am I wrong or is that a ridiculous statement for her to make??

Please notice and understand 806jjbz, that I am not directing these words at you personally, it was a problem that my husband and I had...

It becomes a problem when a person wants to have sex with their spouse but what about the rest of the time when that person shows no love no care and no affection whatsoever to their spouse?...that was our problem during the remaining of that time!...what made me feel less loved by him was the fact that for the remaining time he acted as though he wanted nothing to do with me!...no kind words, no loving no caring acts towards me whatsoever!...was I being too self-centered or too demanding of him?...I honestly don't think so...at least a little ''I love you'' once in a while would have been nice, but noooooo, I was too much of a nag for him!...wearing a ring on a finger doesn't mean that we become their possession but that is what I had become for him, his possession!...I have always been there for him no matter what but what about him?...his actions towards me proves that he didn't love me at all!...but still, I remained and prayed that one day he would appreciate me for what I was worth...I loved him, I really did and I wanted to spend the rest of my days with him but he finally ran off with another woman ...his problems followed him where he went I am sure!...it is now his loss, not mine!...