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Author Topic: Physically, Mentally, Emotionally, Verbally, Sexually and Spiritually Abused  (Read 9077 times)

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mrsheatherlodder

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Hi everyone. My name is Heather and  I am 23 years old. I have 2 wonderful children; a boy and a girl both under 2 years till Valentine's Day and March. I want to share my story so I can read any advice or support that is really needed in my life right now. Thanks for reading all of it.

In 2001, I met my husband Nick. Not many people liked him except me. I had that kind of personality that liked anyone who was nice to me and gave lots of people a benefit of a doubt. I met him in school. We became really good friends.

In 2002, during a school trip, while all the girls hung out in a cabin under the boys room, we all overheard a physical fight going on upstairs between 2 boys. The next morning we were told by someone that Nick had tried to choke a male classmate of ours for trying to smoke. In time, I forgot this day. We eventually went to different schools and our friendship left with us.

In 2004, I met Nick again online on a Christian site. I began to show interest in him and we started talking again. I did, however, notice he was very rude and unchristian-like in the christian site forum...always picking fights with people. I ignored it. I was already smitten by him. We arranged to meet each other at a Study Weekend. Before we met, my best friend told me that Nick had told her that he used to cut himself lately and not to tell me. She, as a great friend, told me and I asked him about this. He said he cut because his best female friend cut and he didn't want her to so he cut deeper everytime she cut to try to force her to stop. I asked my mom about this and she said it sounded like he was suicidal.

Long story short, he convinced all of my family and friends that he was not depressed or suicidal and that the reason he gave was real.

At the Study Weekend I was really attracted to him but was also really scared of him with that information out there and he had an earring and gothic wrist band and only liked the color black. Still, I liked him so I ignored it. He immediately put his arms around me that weekend and was all over me...scarily close. I fell for it and kissed him. Our relationship began.

In 2005 (just 4 months after we started dating), Nick punched me in the stomach during an arguement. He tearfully apologized and begged me not to tell anyone and to please never bring it up and to please forget about it. I did. I actually forgot all about it. Until this year. It's amazing what your brain can do to protect you!! I forgave him. He promised he would never hurt me again. His sweetness won me over. He was also proud of all the punched holes in his family's house. "Nicky has a temper." was all they said to me.

He did. He did far worse. He mocked me in public, forced me to do sexual things, pinched my lips shut and forced me to drive when I wasn't allowed to nor wanted to. This is only a smidgen of what I went through. I am too uncomfortable to go into detail.

He tried to choke his brother during a fight. I was terrified of him that day and tried to reconsider our relationship. His sweetness won me over again.

In 2006, Nick proposed to me. I accepted. I was in the moment and was happy although something didn't seem right in my head.

In 2006 after the engagement, I told him I wanted to break up because I lost feelings for him. He tearfully begged me to reconsider so I did. I hated seeing him cry like he did. I tried to breakup at least 5 times in one weekend and each time he begged me not to I changed my mind; terribly unhappy in my decision. By this time we had fights every weekend. Not physical but we had yelling fights and he would ignore me which upset me because when he was happy with me he smothered me with attention and then pulled it all away when he was mad. It made me sooo upset.

He got me pregnant before marriage when I pleaded with him to not get my pregnant. He coerced me and I became pregnant. We had to get married right away. I started to get really depressed and stopped having feelings for him but didn't know why.  I felt suicidal one night and wanted to go home during a weekend holiday but he begged me to stay with him. I didn't tell him I was feeling suicidal. I stayed one more night which made things worse so I snuck to my house when he was at work.

We got married. It was a happy day. Why wouldn't it be? Every girls dream. The honeymoon was hard. Nick tore my lingerie because he hated it after I spent hours trying to find a perfect one for him. We went to places he wanted to go mostly.

Married life was horrible..and fatal for me. We had our son Gabriel and I had a c-section. He told me to shut up during horrible labour so he could sleep. Just months after having Gabriel Nick choked me 2 times in one weekend and one time I passed out. I could have died. He tearfully begged me to forgive and forget and not to tell anyone. I said I would and wouldn't. I told his Mom that day because I couldn't hold it in anymore. She said no matter what, if he ever hurts me again, I had to call the cops and get away with my son. I promised her I would. I told Nick I told his Mom and he got angry telling me he didn't want her to tell Dad because Dad would get really mad. Only Dad he worried about? Why him? Nick told me Dad grabbed his chest once when he was a kid in anger and it left a scar. He said he was scared of his dad's temper. Dad also threatened to throw his kids out of the house if they disobeyed him on some rules. No one should hear that. Nick was terrified of this threat. How could his dad even consider that??
Dad never talked to us about the choking so we assumed he wasn't told.

Nick got obsessed with snakes. He made me have a tarantula in our home, knowing it was my worst fear.

I was forced to nurse when it hurt so much. I was also forced to work hard after having a c-section when I was told I needed 8 weeks to heal. Nick heard his friend had Irish twins...2 babies born in the same year. My Mom (birth mom) warned me I was going to have Irish twins because Nick wanted it. She didn't know he was physically abusive but knew he was mentally abusive and knew he would get my pregnant me again. She was right. I was then pregnant again by coercement. Nick told people I couldn't keep my hands off of him. My doctor was angry at the pregnancy being so quick after a c-section. During the pregnancy Nick kicked me in my private birth area just weeks before Maggie was born. It hurt so much and made me limp. He kept his snake lamps on instead of turning them off when I was hot from pregnancy. I had a planned c-section. Nick stole my apple juice in the hospital. Nick complained about being faint when Maggie was born meanwhile I was healing from major surgery. The same day he and his dad went out and bought a car for us. No...his dad bought us the car. He had just bought us a house too. Nick hardly was there for me in the hospital. He forced me to nurse again to the point where it has lasting effects now and I lied to him in order to bottle feed.

Nick hit Gabriel on the head so hard Gabriel fell over just because Gabe wouldn't walk to him. Nick said Gabe tripped.

Nick told me we will be moving to Australia some day. I begged him not to but he said he wanted to so we will.

Mom passed away from a brain aneryism. It was not an easy month. Nick said he was over greiving his mom. He hardly cried for her. He got worse.

Weeks after Maggie was born, after her baptism, Nick told me he didn't believe in God anymore and hardly ever did. I hit an even bigger low and debated being hospitalized. He got very angry with me for not wanting to support him in this. I only wanted to marry someone who would walk with God and me in our marriage. He broke my heart. Because I wouldn't support him, we had arguements and he held a knife to his head, saying I didn't love him and wanted a divorce and that he would put it through his head if I went to his dad to get help. I fled the house in bare feet, ran to a neighbour, she drove me to his dad's house, dad drove like crazy to our house and confronted Nick. I was terried of what I would see. Nick didn't do anything. He was crying in his riim and his dad calmed him down. Nick was angry with me bringing dad into this and dad told me not to ever go to him again with every marriage problem. Yeah because suicide is a marriage problem!! I never trusted Dad anymore. Dad started dating just 4 months after Mom passed away. A catholic woman. No wonder his son is so screwed up!

During a drive and argument, Nick drove crazy and when I told him to slow down he said he didn't care if we got into an accident.

Nick gets an eyebrow ring. This is too much. Will this ever stop??

Nick got drunk, days after. A horrible experience I cannot describe except to say I cleaned up every and any bodily function spilled that night. He was mad at me for being mad. I took care of the kids alone that night while stressing out to no return!!

Nick almost punches his sister-in-law in anger and his sister and sister-in-law and brothers ask me if I am ok with him and I lie and say I am. I don't want to lose him. I love him still. I have no self-esteem. I need him to make me feel worth something. It makes no sense but it's true. He is also a family. The kids dad.

We start christian marriage counselling because I say we need to. Things get heavy for Nick emotionally. Nick forces me to cancel it and we stop going.

Nick almost killed me. We argued and he spat on me. He spat on me!! Then he choked me really hard and dragging me by my throat he smashed my head hard on a closet door. Then he kicked me really hard 3 times. I ran to the bed and fell. He kicked me some more when I was down. I still suffer from the bruises. He then dragged me downstairs to sign divorce papers that were never there and when I tried to get upstairs he held me by the arm hard and kept me there. Then he threatened to hang himself and ran upstairs. I ran upstairs. He saw Gabe crying hard in fear for seeing most of this and hearing all of this. He almost punched Gabriel and screamed at Gabriel. I ran out the door and fled to his brothers house. He tried to stop me. This was it. I told his brothers I was beat by Nick and they ran to calm Nick down. I called my Mom and the cops. Nick tried to get into the house I was staying in. I hid from him.

Nick was arrested. I made a police statement and left with the 2 kids to my parents. I was back where I started...at my parents home. So weird. So embarassing.

I moved into my own house. I filed for sole custody.

Nick breached no-contact 10 times. He told people he was the victim. Yes, there were times where I hit him due to mental abuse I suffered but not to the point where he had to flee for his life. Not even close. I never had a temper before we dated.

Nick emailed me and told me he lied to me about cutting years ago and said he was suicidal since he was young.

Nick's family wrote me nasty emails.

I never gave up praying for our marriage. Once at court we hugged and kissed and I told him not to screw things up and we can work through this. He told me he would work on everything. He told me he believed in God again. I didn't believe him.

Nick tried to hang himself at his work. He was revived on the scene but was unconscious. I went to visit him. I still loved him. I will never forget seeing him in tubes and unconscious that day.

We were told he was going to die. I was devastated. He also had brain damage. It was a miracle watching him move his toes and looking at me. This was like watching Mom all over again.

He woke up the next day. He forgot why he was there and why we were not together. He begged me to let me come to my new house. I told him no. He thought he was better than everyone else.

I loved our time together again. It had been ages...4 months since we saw each other. We hugged, kissed, talked and joked around.

Then reality set in and I remembered why I was separated from him. I pulled back from him. Disgusted with him and wanting nothing to do with him.

His sister in law kicked me out of the hospital verbally and told me she didn't believe Mom told me to leave him.

Nick gets sent to a mental hospital for his suicide attempt.

Nick starts dating a girl who looks just like me while still attending church.  I am heartbroken.

Nick gets arrested again for writing me an email. On his birthday he is arrested. New Years eve.

I saw him in family court the other day. It was soo hard. I am slowly getting over him...I think. I want to. I can't stay with a man like this!! I can't.

He was told he is bi-polar.

He is pleading guilty which is shocking. I don't know his motives behind it . I love him but do not trust him.

His dad blames me for everything.

His dad is getting married this week.

I feel soo sorry for my husband. I am soo angry at him but still love him. I am worried for him.

I don' t want to love him. But I do.

I was told tonight he is wearing dark gothic makeup in church and work because someone at his mental hospital does. He never does anything for himself. Only what others do. He has NO identity of his own and it breaks my heart to see him soooo depressed and suicidal.

I have to take care of me and our babies.

 I am so lonely. I am so worried and soo angry.

 I am so confused. Depression makes you lose all sense of clarity and over compulsive worried thoughts.

I believe in God but am sooo faithless in this.

Do I have to stay in this marriage?

What does the Bible say??

Please pray for me, my kids and my husband.

Thanks,

Heather


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Offline chosenone

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Heather
 I have absolutely no idea why you either married this man or think that you have to stay married to him. He is a very dangerous violent man, very disturbed, deranged, very controlling, manipulative and seriously abusive.  It sounds as if his dad has done a lot of damage in his life and he needs serious help I would say that there is far more to it than just being bi polar . I suspect that he even has issues of being controlled by evil spirits.

Do all that you can to stay away from him, to keep him away from you and  live with your kids in safety . Make sure that he never sees the children withot someone else there to supervise( if he has to see them at all).Get a divorce asap and dont let him ever sweet talk you into anything else ever again. He is very bad news and very dangerous.
He belongs in a secure mental unit where he cannot harm either himself or anyone else ever again. If he carries on the way he is, he will end up committing murder, Make sure it isnt you or the children that he murders.

 Anyone who tells you that you have to stay wth this man is deluded. 

Heather, if you dont already go to church, find a good and supportive church. You need a Christian family who will help you and pray for you.

God Bless you dear

« Last Edit: February 12, 2010, 06:33:47 AM by chosenone »

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Offline Hot Ice

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Heather,

The Bible definitely does not say that you have to stay in a position that encourages and aids somebody that is sinning.  Just the opposite.  For that reason, I understand the Bible as sayign that you definitely do NOT have to stay in that abusive situation in that house.  But what about the marriage?  Here is what I've learned, so far:

What the Bible says in I Corinthians 7: 15 is that "...if the unbelieving depart, let him depart.  A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases:  but God hath called us to peace."  It said nothing about the church attendee.  No, the unbelieving. 

Matthew 18:15-20 describes a person that has been approached with a sin that is in his/her life:  alone, then with witnesses, then the church.  When refusing to listen to any of them, verse 17 says to let that person "be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican."  An unbeliever.

Those that say you are not to leave under any circumstances should be invited to study Matthew 19:6, among other places.  There, we see the familiar description of a married couple as no longer two, but rather "one flesh".  God continues, though, as commands "What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder."  Where I differ with some is in my belief as to the point at which the "putting asunder" actually happened.  The rest of that Chapter talks about men that had been using the power they had to easily end marriages, based upon their personal whim.  Jesus hadn't yet talked about a person that had killed the covenant--except for mentioning fornication (any sexual immorality).  Later in Corinthians, He mentions the unbelieving killing it by abandoning it, and rejecting Godly reproof.

All that to say that I understand the Bible to say that you don't HAVE to "stay in this marriage." legally, as the actual marriage (covenant) that the legal paperwork is supposed to represent has long been dead.  But MOST IMPORTANTLY, God's work is that of forgiveness and reconciliation (a truth that is embarrassingly ABSENT in the words of most people advising a woman these days to leave a marriage!).  Your husband, by continually rejecting Godly counsel, and God's Word, has shown he's not interested in going that route (saying "sorry" and crying have NOTHING to do with actual repentance).  That's my understanding, and I hope it helps.

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Offline chosenone

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Hot Ice, From what the OP has said, he has committed 'pornea' (sexual immorality) anyway by forcing her to have sex and to do sexual acts that she didn't want to do (and when the doctor had told her her not to straight after her Cesarean). So as well as agreeing with you, that is enough reason to divorce him apart from the fact that he has repeatedly attacked her in many different ways. She and the children are in real danger of their lives and emotional and physical health.
God Bless

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Offline kensington

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Heather.... YOU NEED COUNSELING...  ASAP.  Not for NICK, leave him alone, go to counseling for you.  For your kids, before something happens that cannot be fixed.  ASAP....  GO.

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mrsheatherlodder

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Thanks everyone for your replies!! It is much appreciated!!! I apologize for not getting back to you sooner but I had other priorities as well.

Chosenone,

I felt obliged to marry him because of me being pregnant. I was not fully aware that the Bible states you don't HAVE to stay with that person. Also, my parents and his parents said I had to too, which, in a normal relationship that is expected of you but by this time I had not told anyone of the abuse I was suffering. I also tried to break up with him first after our engagement because of a gut feeling but his sobs (which is a major manipulation) and begging and then impregnating me against my will coerced and forced me to stay and get married. Believe me, that decision has made me soo sick, health wise, but I am on the path to getting better...finally!!!:D:D
Yes, his dad AND most siblings need help too...maybe not AS much as my husband but still enough. I believe strongly that Satan has a strong hold on him. He just quit church a few weeks ago too.

We are away from him and living very happy on our own and have been for the last 6 months in a 3 bedroom home!! I will try my best to make sure he doesn't see his kids unsupervised but I also know that there will come a time when I have done all I can and will have to trust God in protecting them. Right now he sees them every Saturday for 2 hours at a visitation center and has already slept in once and mised out on seeing his babies. Selfish. At first he did get to see them unsupervised because I wasn't aware I was allowed to do otherwise but the cops made me see that yes, unsupervised is not only allowed but is highly suggested. Once you leave, you don't know what to do next. It was my first time learning everything and suffice to say, I have learnt a lot and now am protecting my children more than ever!! I have just recently talked to my minister and told him that my husband is also dating again and he also gave the go on divorce. In time I will. IF he doesn't make the first move first which I am praying for. I am so worried about his new girlfriend and future girlfriends and pray for them all the time. The last time he tried to sweet talk me..it didn't work...it only scared me more. I am seeing him this Friday because I have to read my Victim Impact Statement in court about what he did to me and how it has affected me, my kids and my loved ones. Then he will plead guilty, I was told. I think it's almost finally over. I am really falling out of love with him..in fact, I think I am 100% out of love and it feels sooo good to be free of those feelings. They may not make sense to anyone on here unless you are also a victim. It makes sense to me. The attachment. The missing him. The "love". He was in a mental unit but his anger wasn't dealt with according to court records...just his depression and suicide. That scares me. I have no doubt in mind that he could and would murder me or even my babies. I always consider that. I have never regretted leaving and never attempted to go back.

I thank-you soo much for your concern!! ::smile:: ::smile:: ::blushing:: ::hug::

I am in church and have been since I can remember from my child-hood. My husband almost took that from me but God helped me overcome that. I am happy in my church and love my church dearly. I am also in christian counselling and it has helped me severely..I have already changed sooo much since the last post!!! I also have wonderful family and friends supporting me.  ::smile::

Hot Ice,

I have learnt from the Bible lately while studying it more deeply that staying with the abusive person in the same house is not demanded and that seperation is encouraged in sour marriages. Divorce is not allowed in this situation that is why I am sooo thankful that my husband is committing adultery...he just gave me a free pass out of our marriage and I plan to take it, happily!!! I know his crying and apologies were worthless because they were not sincere. His actions have been proving it lately. He just left church. I am sad for him and pray that God will bring him back Home again. I do believe that even in my situation, had my husband NOT committed adultery, I would have prayed for reconciliation but if there was no change imminent in my husband ie violent ways etc then I would stay living on my own with my kids but still bound in marriage to him. I belive strongly and whole heartedly that God would rather me and the kids stay safe being seperated in our marriage than living with a violent man. God wants His children to be safe and being abused just takes me further and further away from God. I know it's not right that it does but it did. Now that I am away from him I have been serving my Maker and my God more than I ever had before!! ::smile:: ::amen!:: ::amen!::

Kensington,

Thanks so much for your concern!! You'll be happy to know I have been in counselling (Christian counselling, tooboot) since I left so almost for a year now and because of that and because of my church and loving family and friends, I have been doing so well and have made huge progress in healing!!  ::smile:: ::smile:: ::amen!::

Thanks again everyone and I will update you on court and my marriage!! ::smile:: ::smile:: ::amen!::

Heather

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