Hi everyone. My name is Heather and I am 23 years old. I have 2 wonderful children; a boy and a girl both under 2 years till Valentine's Day and March. I want to share my story so I can read any advice or support that is really needed in my life right now. Thanks for reading all of it.
In 2001, I met my husband Nick. Not many people liked him except me. I had that kind of personality that liked anyone who was nice to me and gave lots of people a benefit of a doubt. I met him in school. We became really good friends.
In 2002, during a school trip, while all the girls hung out in a cabin under the boys room, we all overheard a physical fight going on upstairs between 2 boys. The next morning we were told by someone that Nick had tried to choke a male classmate of ours for trying to smoke. In time, I forgot this day. We eventually went to different schools and our friendship left with us.
In 2004, I met Nick again online on a Christian site. I began to show interest in him and we started talking again. I did, however, notice he was very rude and unchristian-like in the christian site forum...always picking fights with people. I ignored it. I was already smitten by him. We arranged to meet each other at a Study Weekend. Before we met, my best friend told me that Nick had told her that he used to cut himself lately and not to tell me. She, as a great friend, told me and I asked him about this. He said he cut because his best female friend cut and he didn't want her to so he cut deeper everytime she cut to try to force her to stop. I asked my mom about this and she said it sounded like he was suicidal.
Long story short, he convinced all of my family and friends that he was not depressed or suicidal and that the reason he gave was real.
At the Study Weekend I was really attracted to him but was also really scared of him with that information out there and he had an earring and gothic wrist band and only liked the color black. Still, I liked him so I ignored it. He immediately put his arms around me that weekend and was all over me...scarily close. I fell for it and kissed him. Our relationship began.
In 2005 (just 4 months after we started dating), Nick punched me in the stomach during an arguement. He tearfully apologized and begged me not to tell anyone and to please never bring it up and to please forget about it. I did. I actually forgot all about it. Until this year. It's amazing what your brain can do to protect you!! I forgave him. He promised he would never hurt me again. His sweetness won me over. He was also proud of all the punched holes in his family's house. "Nicky has a temper." was all they said to me.
He did. He did far worse. He mocked me in public, forced me to do sexual things, pinched my lips shut and forced me to drive when I wasn't allowed to nor wanted to. This is only a smidgen of what I went through. I am too uncomfortable to go into detail.
He tried to choke his brother during a fight. I was terrified of him that day and tried to reconsider our relationship. His sweetness won me over again.
In 2006, Nick proposed to me. I accepted. I was in the moment and was happy although something didn't seem right in my head.
In 2006 after the engagement, I told him I wanted to break up because I lost feelings for him. He tearfully begged me to reconsider so I did. I hated seeing him cry like he did. I tried to breakup at least 5 times in one weekend and each time he begged me not to I changed my mind; terribly unhappy in my decision. By this time we had fights every weekend. Not physical but we had yelling fights and he would ignore me which upset me because when he was happy with me he smothered me with attention and then pulled it all away when he was mad. It made me sooo upset.
He got me pregnant before marriage when I pleaded with him to not get my pregnant. He coerced me and I became pregnant. We had to get married right away. I started to get really depressed and stopped having feelings for him but didn't know why. I felt suicidal one night and wanted to go home during a weekend holiday but he begged me to stay with him. I didn't tell him I was feeling suicidal. I stayed one more night which made things worse so I snuck to my house when he was at work.
We got married. It was a happy day. Why wouldn't it be? Every girls dream. The honeymoon was hard. Nick tore my lingerie because he hated it after I spent hours trying to find a perfect one for him. We went to places he wanted to go mostly.
Married life was horrible..and fatal for me. We had our son Gabriel and I had a c-section. He told me to shut up during horrible labour so he could sleep. Just months after having Gabriel Nick choked me 2 times in one weekend and one time I passed out. I could have died. He tearfully begged me to forgive and forget and not to tell anyone. I said I would and wouldn't. I told his Mom that day because I couldn't hold it in anymore. She said no matter what, if he ever hurts me again, I had to call the cops and get away with my son. I promised her I would. I told Nick I told his Mom and he got angry telling me he didn't want her to tell Dad because Dad would get really mad. Only Dad he worried about? Why him? Nick told me Dad grabbed his chest once when he was a kid in anger and it left a scar. He said he was scared of his dad's temper. Dad also threatened to throw his kids out of the house if they disobeyed him on some rules. No one should hear that. Nick was terrified of this threat. How could his dad even consider that??
Dad never talked to us about the choking so we assumed he wasn't told.
Nick got obsessed with snakes. He made me have a tarantula in our home, knowing it was my worst fear.
I was forced to nurse when it hurt so much. I was also forced to work hard after having a c-section when I was told I needed 8 weeks to heal. Nick heard his friend had Irish twins...2 babies born in the same year. My Mom (birth mom) warned me I was going to have Irish twins because Nick wanted it. She didn't know he was physically abusive but knew he was mentally abusive and knew he would get my pregnant me again. She was right. I was then pregnant again by coercement. Nick told people I couldn't keep my hands off of him. My doctor was angry at the pregnancy being so quick after a c-section. During the pregnancy Nick kicked me in my private birth area just weeks before Maggie was born. It hurt so much and made me limp. He kept his snake lamps on instead of turning them off when I was hot from pregnancy. I had a planned c-section. Nick stole my apple juice in the hospital. Nick complained about being faint when Maggie was born meanwhile I was healing from major surgery. The same day he and his dad went out and bought a car for us. No...his dad bought us the car. He had just bought us a house too. Nick hardly was there for me in the hospital. He forced me to nurse again to the point where it has lasting effects now and I lied to him in order to bottle feed.
Nick hit Gabriel on the head so hard Gabriel fell over just because Gabe wouldn't walk to him. Nick said Gabe tripped.
Nick told me we will be moving to Australia some day. I begged him not to but he said he wanted to so we will.
Mom passed away from a brain aneryism. It was not an easy month. Nick said he was over greiving his mom. He hardly cried for her. He got worse.
Weeks after Maggie was born, after her baptism, Nick told me he didn't believe in God anymore and hardly ever did. I hit an even bigger low and debated being hospitalized. He got very angry with me for not wanting to support him in this. I only wanted to marry someone who would walk with God and me in our marriage. He broke my heart. Because I wouldn't support him, we had arguements and he held a knife to his head, saying I didn't love him and wanted a divorce and that he would put it through his head if I went to his dad to get help. I fled the house in bare feet, ran to a neighbour, she drove me to his dad's house, dad drove like crazy to our house and confronted Nick. I was terried of what I would see. Nick didn't do anything. He was crying in his riim and his dad calmed him down. Nick was angry with me bringing dad into this and dad told me not to ever go to him again with every marriage problem. Yeah because suicide is a marriage problem!! I never trusted Dad anymore. Dad started dating just 4 months after Mom passed away. A catholic woman. No wonder his son is so screwed up!
During a drive and argument, Nick drove crazy and when I told him to slow down he said he didn't care if we got into an accident.
Nick gets an eyebrow ring. This is too much. Will this ever stop??
Nick got drunk, days after. A horrible experience I cannot describe except to say I cleaned up every and any bodily function spilled that night. He was mad at me for being mad. I took care of the kids alone that night while stressing out to no return!!
Nick almost punches his sister-in-law in anger and his sister and sister-in-law and brothers ask me if I am ok with him and I lie and say I am. I don't want to lose him. I love him still. I have no self-esteem. I need him to make me feel worth something. It makes no sense but it's true. He is also a family. The kids dad.
We start christian marriage counselling because I say we need to. Things get heavy for Nick emotionally. Nick forces me to cancel it and we stop going.
Nick almost killed me. We argued and he spat on me. He spat on me!! Then he choked me really hard and dragging me by my throat he smashed my head hard on a closet door. Then he kicked me really hard 3 times. I ran to the bed and fell. He kicked me some more when I was down. I still suffer from the bruises. He then dragged me downstairs to sign divorce papers that were never there and when I tried to get upstairs he held me by the arm hard and kept me there. Then he threatened to hang himself and ran upstairs. I ran upstairs. He saw Gabe crying hard in fear for seeing most of this and hearing all of this. He almost punched Gabriel and screamed at Gabriel. I ran out the door and fled to his brothers house. He tried to stop me. This was it. I told his brothers I was beat by Nick and they ran to calm Nick down. I called my Mom and the cops. Nick tried to get into the house I was staying in. I hid from him.
Nick was arrested. I made a police statement and left with the 2 kids to my parents. I was back where I started...at my parents home. So weird. So embarassing.
I moved into my own house. I filed for sole custody.
Nick breached no-contact 10 times. He told people he was the victim. Yes, there were times where I hit him due to mental abuse I suffered but not to the point where he had to flee for his life. Not even close. I never had a temper before we dated.
Nick emailed me and told me he lied to me about cutting years ago and said he was suicidal since he was young.
Nick's family wrote me nasty emails.
I never gave up praying for our marriage. Once at court we hugged and kissed and I told him not to screw things up and we can work through this. He told me he would work on everything. He told me he believed in God again. I didn't believe him.
Nick tried to hang himself at his work. He was revived on the scene but was unconscious. I went to visit him. I still loved him. I will never forget seeing him in tubes and unconscious that day.
We were told he was going to die. I was devastated. He also had brain damage. It was a miracle watching him move his toes and looking at me. This was like watching Mom all over again.
He woke up the next day. He forgot why he was there and why we were not together. He begged me to let me come to my new house. I told him no. He thought he was better than everyone else.
I loved our time together again. It had been ages...4 months since we saw each other. We hugged, kissed, talked and joked around.
Then reality set in and I remembered why I was separated from him. I pulled back from him. Disgusted with him and wanting nothing to do with him.
His sister in law kicked me out of the hospital verbally and told me she didn't believe Mom told me to leave him.
Nick gets sent to a mental hospital for his suicide attempt.
Nick starts dating a girl who looks just like me while still attending church. I am heartbroken.
Nick gets arrested again for writing me an email. On his birthday he is arrested. New Years eve.
I saw him in family court the other day. It was soo hard. I am slowly getting over him...I think. I want to. I can't stay with a man like this!! I can't.
He was told he is bi-polar.
He is pleading guilty which is shocking. I don't know his motives behind it . I love him but do not trust him.
His dad blames me for everything.
His dad is getting married this week.
I feel soo sorry for my husband. I am soo angry at him but still love him. I am worried for him.
I don' t want to love him. But I do.
I was told tonight he is wearing dark gothic makeup in church and work because someone at his mental hospital does. He never does anything for himself. Only what others do. He has NO identity of his own and it breaks my heart to see him soooo depressed and suicidal.
I have to take care of me and our babies.
I am so lonely. I am so worried and soo angry.
I am so confused. Depression makes you lose all sense of clarity and over compulsive worried thoughts.
I believe in God but am sooo faithless in this.
Do I have to stay in this marriage?
What does the Bible say??
Please pray for me, my kids and my husband.