Please help - emotional affair!

[Tianna]

I need help - serious help. I'm involved in an emmotional affair and want to end it. I've been trying to for so many years but I have failed again and again and again. There is such an emotional void in my marriage. I've addressed this issue with my husband many, mamy times but nothing has changed. I always find myself reaching out to this guy and the sad thing is whils I feel great when I'm talking to or emailing him, afterwards I feel so bad - I feel dirty and so unclean. Please help me - how do I stop this? Prayer alone is not heloing.....

[chosenone]

It has to be done cold turkey, in that you have to block him from your phone,even get rid of your computer if that is what it takes. Are you actually seeing him in the flesh? Is he married as well?
As long as you keep doing it, you will never put all your energies into your own marriage or your own husband. You will always be discontent with him and that is so destructive.It may well be that he knows that you aren't content with him and that must be affecting him.he is the man you married, its doubtful that he has changed since then, but you have grown discontent with what you have.

My husbands ex wife met another man and divorced him as she said he didn't meet her 'emotional needs' and she lost the most wonderful godly husband ever. She is now alone.
Yes, you will miss him but what other way is there?. Turn back to your own husband. It wont stop until one of you stops it. Think of all the good things about your husband that made you marry him in the first place. Thank God for what you DO have and not what you DONT have.Talk to close women friends or family if you want someone to talk to, and NOT another man.

[Tianna]

I haven't seen him in years as we live in different countries and yes he's also married. I really want to stop this as instead of bringing me the joy its supposed to be I'm just so miserable inside. I'm going to do the cold turkey again...I will block his emails and I nolonger have his phone numbers som haven't been calling or sending texts for almost two months now.

I need someone to help me to go through this. I do not have any female friends I can trust enough to help me.  I need someone I can talk to when I feel the urge to talk to him or to email him, someone who can help me remain strong - but who can I turn to? I have tried this on my own but I keep failing.

[chosenone]

Tianna
Bless you, you are doing the right thing by stopping. You say that "instead of bringing me joy,I am miserable" It isn't supposed to bring you joy as you are doing something that is wrong and damaging to both your marriage and his marriage. That will never bring you joy.He is also in a sense betraying his wife as well.if he cared anything about you or his wife, he would have also ended this long ago.

You could come on here and ask for help, there are people here who will pray for you. I will pray for you to be strong.
Its sad that you don't have a close friend or family member who can help you. Maybe that is because you have always turned to this man? Do you go to church? is there a mature Christian lady there who you trust who you could go to and pray with?
Do you turn to God when you are tempted?

[Tianna]

I never see him, we dated when we were at high school, we broke up, lost touch and went onto marry different people. Last year he got in touch and I've been involved in this thing since then. At times I tell myself that its okay because its not physical - but I know its not okay. I'm really desperate but don't know what to do. I honestly don't have anyone to talk to. I’m scared to approach the ladies at church, many times people have gone to them and their stories became known by almost all of the congregation – I’m not sure I can handle that.

The problem is I can go for days without getting in touch and trying to forget him and then I reach out to my husband and he doesn't respond the way I need him to - and immediately I long to to talk to him. I know what I'm doing is wrong. I know its not in the will of God - but how do I stop this? How do I deal with the feelings of longing etc? I have told my husband that because this problem we have, he's driving me away from him, but nothing has changed.

I feel like I’m the man in this marriage. I make ALL the decisions in this marriage – I’m talking financially, running of the home and taking care of our daughter.  I am the one who makes sure the mortgage is paid, who makes sure the levy and the rates are paid, I am the one who has to make sure the cars are paid every month, I have to make sure there’s enough money for food, fuel, etc. If you ask my husband how how much our mortgage is he has no idea. I have to do the budget alone every month and have to make sure everything in the house runs smoothly – with no help at all.  I have to make sure every little thing in this house runs smoothly and of coz it takes a huge toll on me. I think I’m reaching breaking point now……do you know that I’m always worried about what will happen to my daughter if something is to happen to me – I don’t see my husband being responsible enough to be able to look after her.

I don’t remember when was the last time I was called anything but my name….there’s no lovie, no sweetie, no sweetheart – nothing - just plain, old me. I’m lucky if I get a phone call from him during the day, I don’t remember when was the last time I got a text from him, I don’t remember when he’s held my hand while we are walking in the shopping malls, at church etc….I don’t remember when was the last time I was greeted with a kiss or a hug for that matter. I don’t remember when was the last time I got home and I was asked how my day was….I don’t remember the last time I was told I’m beautiful, I look good…..Small things I know, but things that mean the world to me. Yes I have spoken to him about it – many, many times but there’s no change. 

There’s no communication in my marriage …. he is quiet naturally but he does talk – when he wants to. We can sit in my house and if I don’t open my mouth to talk, guaranteed we will spend the whole day with out exchanging any words. I can’t talk to him, he’s definitely not my best friend. I’ve tried, I’ve tried so hard but he won’t budge. I can have a bad day at work, come home wanting to share with him how my day was and all I’ll get in response is hhhmmm – and nothing more. I can get a call from home and I want to chat to him about it but he’s never interested, there are so many times when I feel low, when  I just want someone to give me a hug, tell me they love me and that everything will be okay – but he can never do that. There have been many times when I’ve had job offers, promotions etc and I just need someone to talk to and help me make a decision – but he’s just not interested. I don’t have anyone to talk to in my house – he just won’t avail himself to me like that. There is such an emotional void in my marriage .

We can never do fun things together –  If I suggest a movie I get one excuse after the other, if I suggest dinner I get told one story after another of why we can’t go out, it doesn’t matter what I suggest we do, we almost always end up not doing anything or if we do, he'll be moody and we just end up not having a good time.

I do turn to God, I cry out to him and ask him to give me the strength that I need to get through this, but then I always see myself reaching out to this guy….We had marriage counselling when we got married but it doesn’t seem to have helped us at all.

[chosenone]

Why did you haver marriage counselling when you first got married? Were there problems then?

[Tianna]

No - the church will not marry you until you have marriage counselling....

[chosenone]

I think you both desperately need to go to marriage counselling again to try to sort out your problems. It could be that he always has been a man who is  a bad comminicator. Has he always been like this?
From what you wrote, I can understand why you feel driven to this other man, but that wont solve anything in your marriage.It is a shame that this other man contacted you, I wonder why he did this? Does his wife know that he is communicating with you?

[zoonance]

try text messaging him with little notes. (phone calls are disruptive)  Or leave little notes on his mirror or in his lunch box.  In other words, do for him what you wish he would do for you.  He may never catch on and return the attention BUT you will actually be meeting some of your own needs in the process!  Don't do it for what you get out of it.  Be a great loving wife just because you need to be.  You might just find that he will start being more attentive.  Guys don't read minds.

[Tianna]

I do send texts and call him often, I print out nice romantic messages for him BUT I always expect something in return - and I get sooo hurt when he doesn't respond. I'll try and do it without expecting anything in return (God please help me!)...

Thanks for listening zoonance and choseone - it helps to let it all out.

[phoebe]

I need help - serious help. I'm involved in an emmotional affair and want to end it. I've been trying to for so many years but I have failed again and again and again. There is such an emotional void in my marriage. I've addressed this issue with my husband many, mamy times but nothing has changed. I always find myself reaching out to this guy and the sad thing is whils I feel great when I'm talking to or emailing him, afterwards I feel so bad - I feel dirty and so unclean. Please help me - how do I stop this? Prayer alone is not heloing.....

This may sound a little strange, but pray that God will make this person ugly to you.  And you to him.  Pray it every time you think of him, until you see that he is.  I've seen God honor this request more than once.

As for your own marriage, see a qualified Christian marriage counselor ASAP, before your affair becomes more than emotional.

Need help finding one, go here:  http://www.ncca.org/Directory/

[phoebe]

I do send texts and call him often, I print out nice romantic messages for him BUT I always expect something in return - and I get sooo hurt when he doesn't respond. I'll try and do it without expecting anything in return (God please help me!)...

Thanks for listening zoonance and choseone - it helps to let it all out.

When we have certain expectations, we set ourselves up for disappointment.  Counseling will help you with this.  Change your expectations.  I would start with none and work my way up from there.  As each one is met, you can move up one.

In the meantime, immerse yourself in God's Word.  You have a huge hole in your heart and you are trying to fill it with human love.  From the beginning, in the Garden, it was meant to be filled with God's Love.  So let Him fill it.  Start with the Psalms. Somewhere in there you will find your cries to God, and His answer to you.

[Tianna]

Thank you Phoebe - some serious food for thought for me and especially where you say I'm trying to fill a hole in my heart with human love. I never thought of that before....Thanks - will definitely meditate, pray and ask God for help regarding this.

I'd also never prayed that prayer to ask God to make the other guy ugly to me and vice versa - I will definitely do that.

I guess I'll have to go for counselling - will ask around for someone I can go and see. The more I write about this the more I see how miserable I really am and the more I really want to get out of this situation.

Thanks again for listening.

[phoebe]

All the best to you, Tianna.  Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.

We are praying for healing in your marriage.

[primaryjustice]

Tianna - That you are struggling with this speaks volumes about your character and commitment to Christ. There are many who would just take the easy path and go all out with this other guy. From what I know about the Bible, God will honor you and your commitment to your marriage.

My wife was in a similar situation as you as far as not being able to go to anyone in the church. Since she was our church secretary, it made it that much harder, because she had a working relationship with them as well as a spiritual one. It's a tough position to be in and can leave a person desperate. I would recommend possibly seeking help from another church (if your church is ok with that). Not moving churches, but maybe finding a women's bible study where you can maybe open up to them a bit more since you don't attend there regularly.

The only other suggestion I would have would be to check out the books "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs and "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman if you haven't already. They have some really good insight on unmet needs in marriage and some possible causes.

I will definitely keep you, your husband and your marriage in prayer.