Author Topic: Odd situation, need advice  (Read 2030 times)

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Offline canadianmama

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Odd situation, need advice
« on: Sun Nov 27, 2011 - 22:35:23 »
So I don't really want to talk to friends and family about this situation as I just want a non-biased opinion on this.

My husband and I have been separated for over seven months now. I was all for getting a divorce, but then I began praying and really seeking what God wants for my marriage...I was able to forgive my husband and something changed in my heart towards him.

We began talking a little bit, and we both asked for forgiveness and forgave each other. But that didn't mean we were going to get back together. We were just ok with the fact that we were getting along and what not.

Well. We ended up having sex recently. Again, we are still not wanting to get back together, at least not anytime soon. I just want to know if this is silly of me...I still love him and he still loves me. If he was willing to work through everything down the road I would be too. But is it dumb for us to be hooking up even if we are still married?

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Odd situation, need advice
« on: Sun Nov 27, 2011 - 22:35:23 »

Offline Sinead

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Re: Odd situation, need advice
« Reply #1 on: Sun Nov 27, 2011 - 22:37:47 »
I dont understand why you are getting a divorce. It's obviously not what God wants for you, it never has been.

You two sound like you love each other, so why the divorce?

Offline canadianmama

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Re: Odd situation, need advice
« Reply #2 on: Sun Nov 27, 2011 - 22:40:54 »
It gets complicated...he began being verbally abusive to me, and it eventually started to get physical too. I ended up going to the police about it, just so something would be on file in case it got worse. They ended up arresting him instead and he was charged with one count of assault. As horrible as that sounds, God has been doing a work to show me that I also needed to change; it wasn't a one way street.

Once I began forgiving him, I prayed and asked God for clear direction; all I kept on getting was Be still and know that I am God.

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Re: Odd situation, need advice
« Reply #2 on: Sun Nov 27, 2011 - 22:40:54 »

Offline Sinead

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Re: Odd situation, need advice
« Reply #3 on: Sun Nov 27, 2011 - 22:43:44 »
Oh ok I see. I'm sorry these things have happened.
If you want my opinion (and you dont have to take it) I would say do not get a divorce. Give him a chance. God can do a huge work in people  - do you think he has changed?

The only real permissable divorce is for adultery/sexual immorality.

You did the right thing by seperating, that is for sure, but in my heart I don't feel you would be doing the right thing by divorcing. God wants us to forgive.

The most important thing here is - has he changed?

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Re: Odd situation, need advice
« Reply #3 on: Sun Nov 27, 2011 - 22:43:44 »

Offline canadianmama

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Re: Odd situation, need advice
« Reply #4 on: Sun Nov 27, 2011 - 22:47:29 »
In many ways, yes. His sister was talking to me recently and told me how he and her have become closer since the split (they hardly ever spoke before) and that she said I should give him another shot...

He seems to be more patient and loving with the kids and he is now going to anger management and stuff...he still isn't really living for God though. To be honest, after we split I didn't either for a couple months but I am definitely back on track. We grew up in the same church and all, but he doesn't really have much of a relationship with God. I don't know how to go about making him see that God hates divorce and that even though our relationship has been awful, we took vows, and God can restore.

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Re: Odd situation, need advice
« Reply #4 on: Sun Nov 27, 2011 - 22:47:29 »



Offline Sinead

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Re: Odd situation, need advice
« Reply #5 on: Sun Nov 27, 2011 - 22:49:45 »
In many ways, yes. His sister was talking to me recently and told me how he and her have become closer since the split (they hardly ever spoke before) and that she said I should give him another shot...

He seems to be more patient and loving with the kids and he is now going to anger management and stuff...he still isn't really living for God though. To be honest, after we split I didn't either for a couple months but I am definitely back on track. We grew up in the same church and all, but he doesn't really have much of a relationship with God. I don't know how to go about making him see that God hates divorce and that even though our relationship has been awful, we took vows, and God can restore.

Yes amen God can restore - He can restore your marriage so it's better than it ever was! Please dont give up on him, he is only human and has a sin nature as we all do. Please dont give up on your marriage.

To answer your original question about having sex while you're seperated - it isn't wrong, you are still married.

Does your husband want a divorce?

I'm praying for you both.

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Re: Odd situation, need advice
« Reply #5 on: Sun Nov 27, 2011 - 22:49:45 »

Offline canadianmama

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Re: Odd situation, need advice
« Reply #6 on: Sun Nov 27, 2011 - 22:53:04 »
Well as it sits right now he said this doesn't mean he is wanting to start up our relationship again...he said if we do this it is basically just for fun, etc. But when we did, it was love making, not just sex. And he even told me after that he does still love me. He's just guarded, like I am...I think he is scared of the past. We weren't good to each other, and I think he worries it would go back to the same old.

He even told me "you could have gone out and got any guy you wanted, but you chose to sleep with me? why?" I think he still struggles with not feeling like he deserves me or something.

Offline Sinead

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Re: Odd situation, need advice
« Reply #7 on: Sun Nov 27, 2011 - 22:56:44 »
Hmmmm. I dont know. Maybe its a good idea not to sleep with him for now until you're sure about things? You dont want to cheapen sex.
I really hope that things work out.
Also I find his sentence disturbing - doesn't he know you aren't the kind to go and sleep with any guy? It's quite disrespectful of you to say that to you. It does make me wonder if he does that? I'm not saying he does - It's just a thought that came to my mind when I read that.

Offline canadianmama

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Re: Odd situation, need advice
« Reply #8 on: Sun Nov 27, 2011 - 22:59:50 »
I thought the same thing. But knowing him, I think it was more of him not feeling like he deserves love.

I don't even know what to do. I want him, obviously, and he wants me...and we love each other still. I suppose we probably shouldn't be doing this? But it's hard not to.

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Re: Odd situation, need advice
« Reply #8 on: Sun Nov 27, 2011 - 22:59:50 »

Offline Sinead

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Re: Odd situation, need advice
« Reply #9 on: Sun Nov 27, 2011 - 23:01:59 »
Well, there isnt anything wrong with it, as long as its because you love each other.

I feel so sad for you. Give it time though, wait for him to finish his anger management classes and maybe you could speak with his anger management counselor and find out his progress?

It would help so much if he had a strong walk with God. I will pray about this.

Offline canadianmama

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Re: Odd situation, need advice
« Reply #10 on: Sun Nov 27, 2011 - 23:06:01 »
Thanks for hearing me out. There were a few things I left out, but that is about the gist of it. I'm basically going out of my mind these days and I don't know what to do...

I think the thing that has been the hardest is that I know if my close friends knew (all except for one), they would all think I'm an idiot and tell me I am being ridiculous. But I started reading this book by John Bevere and it is all about offence and how we need to forgive...once I got through that, God literally changed me from the inside out and where there was once bitterness and even hatred, there is love and forgiveness. I don't want a divorce anymore. I want to see my marriage restored.

Offline Sinead

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Re: Odd situation, need advice
« Reply #11 on: Sun Nov 27, 2011 - 23:07:15 »
 ::clappingoverhead:: God bless you! You are on the right road, God will bless you.

Offline canadianmama

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Re: Odd situation, need advice
« Reply #12 on: Sun Nov 27, 2011 - 23:08:34 »
 ::smile::

Well I am off to bed for the night. Looking forward to being able to share the good news when this all works out.

Offline Bitter Sweet

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Re: Odd situation, need advice
« Reply #13 on: Mon Nov 28, 2011 - 05:40:36 »
It gets complicated...he began being verbally abusive to me, and it eventually started to get physical too. I ended up going to the police about it, just so something would be on file in case it got worse. They ended up arresting him instead and he was charged with one count of assault. As horrible as that sounds, God has been doing a work to show me that I also needed to change; it wasn't a one way street.

Once I began forgiving him, I prayed and asked God for clear direction; all I kept on getting was Be still and know that I am God.

My husband and I used to fight a lot, I went to jail for domestic violence. I really hated him, it drove me into crazy mode.

The day I got out of jail I went back home, apologized and he took me to Hawaii a couple days later.

We didn't stop fighting, just managed to keep it more under control. Plus we made a baby in Hawaii so I had to calm down.

My violence came from a frustration, and yes those are deep rooted feelings of fighting against someone that loves you because you've never been loved like that before and don't think you deserve it. He was also aloof at times, I wanted combat. I don't know how you react when he get's upset, that may need to change if he doesn't have it in him yet.

Then one day I realized, it wasn't him I was fighting against, it was God's love.


Offline chosenone

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Re: Odd situation, need advice
« Reply #14 on: Mon Nov 28, 2011 - 06:31:13 »
This is just my opinion, but I would not have sex with him until he is 100% committed to working on the marriage.

Offline Bitter Sweet

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Re: Odd situation, need advice
« Reply #15 on: Mon Nov 28, 2011 - 06:58:09 »
This is just my opinion, but I would not have sex with him until he is 100% committed to working on the marriage.

Aggressive men have more testosterone. He might cheat on her or be lead into pornography.

I say, never say no to your husband when he is ready. Unless you are sick, but I'm sure he'll convince you that he has some medicine to make you feel better.  ::smile::

Offline chosenone

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Re: Odd situation, need advice
« Reply #16 on: Mon Nov 28, 2011 - 07:14:59 »
This is just my opinion, but I would not have sex with him until he is 100% committed to working on the marriage.

Aggressive men have more testosterone. He might cheat on her or be lead into pornography.

I say, never say no to your husband when he is ready. Unless you are sick, but I'm sure he'll convince you that he has some medicine to make you feel better.  ::smile::


 They are not living together and he is not committed to getting back together.Why then shoul he be able to have sex? Any man can do without sex for a time, after all man who arent married have to if they are believers.

Offline Bitter Sweet

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Re: Odd situation, need advice
« Reply #17 on: Mon Nov 28, 2011 - 07:20:45 »
This is just my opinion, but I would not have sex with him until he is 100% committed to working on the marriage.

Aggressive men have more testosterone. He might cheat on her or be lead into pornography.

I say, never say no to your husband when he is ready. Unless you are sick, but I'm sure he'll convince you that he has some medicine to make you feel better.  ::smile::


 They are not living together and he is not committed to getting back together.Why then shoul he be able to have sex? Any man can do without sex for a time, after all man who arent married have to if they are believers.

They're just taking a break from each other. They are still married and I wouldn't try to put anymore wedge between them than they have already put there themselves. He's fighting God now, God's love that lives in her for him.

Matthew 19:6 So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

Offline Supplanter

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Re: Odd situation, need advice
« Reply #18 on: Mon Nov 28, 2011 - 14:54:52 »
There isn't anything "wrong" with it per say, but I'd still fall on the side of abstaining until both of you are 100% in on not getting divorced. It seems to me that he hasn't quite forgiven you (though he was the abusive one) for the situation if he is saying that he isn't sure he wants you back. I can't imagine given your telling of the situation that it is anything but perhaps resentment that is keeping from just saying he doesn't want a divorce. Truly, many people use te threat of divorce to maintain control, so it could be that this is his way to hold onto one last bit of control, though since he is getting help, it just may take some time.

Offline anx

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Re: Odd situation, need advice
« Reply #19 on: Tue Nov 29, 2011 - 19:02:21 »
I think you could do either way. If I were to decide, it would largely rest on the situation and details.

I am separated and my wife and I have been in counseling for almost 1.5 years.(things are looking good though)

I have pursued her and she was the one that didn't know if she wanted the marriage anymore. We have had sex during this time occasionally.

Sex is a VERY powerful thing for a man and hugely affects love and bonding. I don't think from our situation we can give you a right or wrong answer.

The one suggestion I have is that it may take months for him to reconnect. If you do have sex that doesn't mean he'll suddenly change his mind. It may help him change his mind. The feelings that sex brings are really tricky when the person leaves for a week right after.

For me, it was really hard to have sex with my wife and feel so bonded and loving towards her and then have her mad / ignore / or just leave for a week. I wouldn't have changed it if I had to do it over. Separation is VERY tricky and the rules can be so hard to know.

Blessings

 

     
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