Author Topic: Giving up on my marriage  (Read 2202 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Buter8137

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 6
  • Manna: 0
    • View Profile
Giving up on my marriage
« on: Fri Dec 02, 2011 - 12:10:23 »
I feel there is strong chance my marriage will end. Im sad about it, but i feel it is necessary. I will try to keep this short as possible.

Im married with 4 kids, we have been married for 9 years. About 4 1/2years ago, we moved out of state for a new job for myself. At the time of the move we had 2 kids, ages 3 & 5. Everythg was good. We both had good jobs making more money than ever before. We considered ourself to be christians, but had things to work on to develop a closer relationship in Christ. As time went on in the new state, my husband and i stopped going to church as much as we should. Then my husband stopped going totally. Then, I got pregant with our 3rd. He was totally upset. Asked me to abort, i refused. Then i noticed the late nites etc...i asked over and over what was going on. He denied any wrong doing. So, 1.5 years after our 3rd child, i became pregnant again. Still upset, so his pattern of behavior increased. We were so distant. He refused counseling.

So, about 6 months ago i found out about an affair, which resulted in the laddy getting pregnant. He acknowleged that it was his child. Words cant explain how hurt i felt. I immediately went to christian counseling. Which helped me, along with prayer, and support from family.

My husband stated it was never really a relationship. That he loved me and has and still is begging for forgiveness. He wont move out of the home like i asked him tooo. He agreed to counseling. I let him go one time, but said after that i didnt want him too go. I just felt so ashamed at the thought of trying to stay in the marriage. I felt he assumed that,since i agreed to counselin to eventually work on things in the future. I didnt want him too assume that.

He has stopped going out, spending, and has been more of a help with our kids. I just cant get over the sitaution. So im in the process of trying to move out with my kids...I still love him with all my heart. Most days im depressed, but pray to hold it together for my kids.   I feel so alone now. I dont have family near by to help take my mind off things.  Your advice and prayers are greatly appreciated. Thank you

Christian Forums and Message Board

Giving up on my marriage
« on: Fri Dec 02, 2011 - 12:10:23 »

Offline chosenone

  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Posts: 29783
  • Manna: 527
  • Gender: Female
    • View Profile
Re: Giving up on my marriage
« Reply #1 on: Fri Dec 02, 2011 - 12:51:16 »
Hi Buter
Does he have contact with the other woman because of the child?Is he intenting to be a hands on father of the child? Is he financially supporting the child?What is her part in this? Does she want to still see him?

I think this is a terrible situation that happened very recently to a friend of mine. Her husband had an affair and got another lady pregnant. The difference was that he left her for the other lady but now he is with neither of them. One question that I do have to ask is, hasn't he heard of birth control?????He didn't want your third and 4Th children, and now has 5, and each of them was preventable. Crazy!

I feel for you so much because although he seems very repentant, it is a BIG BIG thing to get over, and the fact that there is a child makes it even more painful for you because that child really needs a father. Normally if a spouse has an affair I would recommend that all contact is cut off for good with the other woman or other man, but how can that be possible when for the next 18 years or so there will be some contact because of the child?
Only you know if you can deal with that, and many couldn't so don't feel guilty because of it.

This just goes to show the seriousness of adultery,and that it does destroy marriages. Its hard to know how you will get him to leave if he refuses, but to be honest, he should leave if you don't want him there, even if only for a few months. What is your housing situation? Do you own your own home? Can it be sold and split?  

Do you have a church and could you speak to someone there about all this? maybe the pastor? Is there someone who could talk to him about leaving for a time?

 Sorry lots of questions and random thoughts.

Offline anx

  • Senior Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 596
  • Manna: 16
    • View Profile
Re: Giving up on my marriage
« Reply #2 on: Fri Dec 02, 2011 - 12:57:54 »
What happens next is really up to you. My advise is to move out or move closer to home and decide on divorce or reconciliation after a year or two with serious prayer.

You aren't ready for a new relationship or reconciliation now. You won't be able to make that decision anytime soon, and if forced to do anything right now, you would almost certainly choose divorce.

Separate if you need to, but see what happens in your heart and your husband over time. Unfortunately, divorce even in your situation won't be easier than reconciliation. Both will be very hard and hurt.

Seek God and wait is my advise. Heal slowly and see what comes. Stay very clear with your husband that even if things get friendlier, that doesn't mean the marriage will continue.

The timeline to heal is probably a year or two depending.

Blessings

Christian Forums and Message Board

Re: Giving up on my marriage
« Reply #2 on: Fri Dec 02, 2011 - 12:57:54 »

Offline Buter8137

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 6
  • Manna: 0
    • View Profile
Re: Giving up on my marriage
« Reply #3 on: Fri Dec 02, 2011 - 13:38:57 »
@Chosenone


Apparently the lady didn't find out until later that he was married. I think she found out right after she had the baby about the same time I found out.

As far as contact, I know she usually sends text if she needs something for the baby.  She will also text about certain things regarding the child like if he sick etc...According to him, he is not allowed to go on the property where the lady stays, because her mom who owns the property stays next door.  Its like a 2 family property (i found out where she lives).  The ladies, mom knows about how he lied about being married and doesn't like him. So he does visit but it is very limited.  I'm not sure if I totally believe that story.  I agree it is so much to accept if I decide to reconcile on down the road.  Its mind boggling to think about!

I had a couple of angry conversations with the lady, but she will not say anything  to me other than 'leave me alone' or 'I didn't know he was married'.  So, I'm not sure if she wants to see him or not.  I just dont understand why he didnt use birth control!!!! 

We rent the lease will be up Feb 2012.  I was unemployed up until 2 months ago.  So i'm saving up to try to move out after the lease is up.  I wanted to move back home, but I feel it is best to have a job first before moving, given the economy situation.  I went ahead and took the job I have now

Christian Forums and Message Board

Re: Giving up on my marriage
« Reply #3 on: Fri Dec 02, 2011 - 13:38:57 »

Offline chosenone

  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Posts: 29783
  • Manna: 527
  • Gender: Female
    • View Profile
Re: Giving up on my marriage
« Reply #4 on: Fri Dec 02, 2011 - 14:15:04 »
I have to admit that if he were my husband (even if I could stay with him), I would want to make sure that he was never alone with the OW again. If that means him taking a mutual friend of yours with him to see the child, or collecting the child and spending time with that child away from her house, then I am sure that can be arranged.
 As for the finances of it, he needs to set up a set amount that gets paid to her each month, then she will not need to text him or ring him about such matters. Its hardly surprising that her mother doesn't like him is it, but her daughter is partly to blame for sleeping with  a man who she may or may not have known was married. Either of them could have used birth control. She really didn't need to get pregnant.
Do you think she is trying to get him back?

Have any of your family got room to put you all up for a while if you do move back home?Could they help you financially or provide some child care while you go back to work?

Do you know if he is intending to see the child on a regular basis?

I do agree with anx. Separate for maybe a year or so, and leave it for a while you pray and have time to think. I did this when I had to separate from my husband.(for other reasons). I knew that we would never live together again,(I had no choice really), but I didn't start divorce proceedings for 2 1/2 years.During this time I spoke to 3 different pastors, and I knew that divorce was the way forward for me in that situation.

Only you know if you can not only live with a man who has lied and cheated, but also live with him being in contact with this other lady and baby for many years. I would have the greatest admiration for any lady who could do this. Maybe with Gods help some could. I know that I wouldn't/couldn't, but that's just me.

Christian Forums and Message Board

Re: Giving up on my marriage
« Reply #4 on: Fri Dec 02, 2011 - 14:15:04 »



Offline TJW

  • Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 487
  • Manna: 14
    • View Profile
Re: Giving up on my marriage
« Reply #5 on: Sat Dec 03, 2011 - 05:41:02 »
Quote
Only you know if you can not only live with a man who has lied and cheated

In my case the cheater was the wife, and indeed, with God's help, I continued to live with her.

What I want to say is that God will help you if you divorce, and He will help you if you don't divorce, and
that His love and His bountiful blessing will remain completely unchanged by the divorce, and will remain completely unchanged if there is no divorce.

Quote
husband and i stopped going to church as much as we should.

Yes, many people feel that they "should" pray, they "should" read their bible, they "should" go to church, and they "should" remain in horrible marriages.  I was one of them who carried about "burdens grievous to be borne" which came from pharisaical and legalistic church people and not from God.

The result was that I stayed in a horrendous marriage which had absolutely no benefit for me with a person who had so little respect for me as to spread her legs for another man.

I stayed because I "should", and it cost me years of pain. 

Please don't stay because you "should".

Christian Forums and Message Board

Re: Giving up on my marriage
« Reply #5 on: Sat Dec 03, 2011 - 05:41:02 »

Offline chosenone

  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Posts: 29783
  • Manna: 527
  • Gender: Female
    • View Profile
Re: Giving up on my marriage
« Reply #6 on: Sat Dec 03, 2011 - 08:04:26 »
Tjw

 fantastic post with great points. I used to live with "shoulds" and "oughts" for many years until I began to see the light (or in fact had a break down) and gradually I have learnt that they were not from God but were either my own thoughts or were inflicted by the church.
I LOVE what you said about Gods love and blessing remaining with this lady whether she divorces or not. That is SOO true.
Manna to you for this.

Offline TJW

  • Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 487
  • Manna: 14
    • View Profile
Re: Giving up on my marriage
« Reply #7 on: Sat Dec 03, 2011 - 12:20:05 »
Quote
I used to live with "shoulds" and "oughts" for many years

Yes, me too.  But, I finally (after years, even decades) learned what "I will give you rest" means.  It is glorious, wonderful beyond desciption.

Offline chosenone

  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Posts: 29783
  • Manna: 527
  • Gender: Female
    • View Profile
Re: Giving up on my marriage
« Reply #8 on: Sat Dec 03, 2011 - 13:20:46 »
Quote
I used to live with "shoulds" and "oughts" for many years

Yes, me too.  But, I finally (after years, even decades) learned what "I will give you rest" means.  It is glorious, wonderful beyond desciption.


  I am getting there, but it does take time to change your whole way of thinking. It was about 15 years ago that I had a severe breakdown and all that time God has been knocking down all the old wrong thinking and building up the new correct thinking. I left church for 10 years, and I couldnt even read the Bible for 2 years because of the tremendous guilt that I felt when I read it, thinking that I wasnt a 'good' Christian. Some churches have such a lot to answer for and now I try not to listen to any sort of 'shoulds' and 'oughts' that others try to put on me. Jesus has come to set us free and not put even more burdens on us than we had before.





Christian Forums and Message Board

Re: Giving up on my marriage
« Reply #8 on: Sat Dec 03, 2011 - 13:20:46 »

cs80918

  • Guest
Re: Giving up on my marriage
« Reply #9 on: Sat Dec 03, 2011 - 13:47:30 »
I feel there is strong chance my marriage will end. Im sad about it, but i feel it is necessary. I will try to keep this short as possible.

Im married with 4 kids, we have been married for 9 years. About 4 1/2years ago, we moved out of state for a new job for myself. At the time of the move we had 2 kids, ages 3 & 5. Everythg was good. We both had good jobs making more money than ever before. We considered ourself to be christians, but had things to work on to develop a closer relationship in Christ. As time went on in the new state, my husband and i stopped going to church as much as we should. Then my husband stopped going totally. Then, I got pregant with our 3rd. He was totally upset. Asked me to abort, i refused. Then i noticed the late nites etc...i asked over and over what was going on. He denied any wrong doing. So, 1.5 years after our 3rd child, i became pregnant again. Still upset, so his pattern of behavior increased. We were so distant. He refused counseling.

So, about 6 months ago i found out about an affair, which resulted in the laddy getting pregnant. He acknowleged that it was his child. Words cant explain how hurt i felt. I immediately went to christian counseling. Which helped me, along with prayer, and support from family.

My husband stated it was never really a relationship. That he loved me and has and still is begging for forgiveness. He wont move out of the home like i asked him tooo. He agreed to counseling. I let him go one time, but said after that i didnt want him too go. I just felt so ashamed at the thought of trying to stay in the marriage. I felt he assumed that,since i agreed to counselin to eventually work on things in the future. I didnt want him too assume that.

He has stopped going out, spending, and has been more of a help with our kids. I just cant get over the sitaution. So im in the process of trying to move out with my kids...I still love him with all my heart. Most days im depressed, but pray to hold it together for my kids.   I feel so alone now. I dont have family near by to help take my mind off things.  Your advice and prayers are greatly appreciated. Thank you

My heart is sad for you.  Remember, where mercy is shown mercy is given.

Your husband was led away by his lust and the devil or demons helped him go even further into his sins.  It is your choice to leave him or stay, since you would be right either way.

If you want to stay married I suggest you continue the counseling, hopefully by a christian counselor.  I'd also recommend your husband join a sex addicts class or counseling.

He IMO he should lose all privileges of privacy and must forever be open with every upon your request. 

Some women don't understand that sex addiction for men is like telling some women to give up chocolate it is hard, but not impossible with God.

Offline Buter8137

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 6
  • Manna: 0
    • View Profile
Re: Giving up on my marriage
« Reply #10 on: Sat Dec 03, 2011 - 15:52:36 »
TJW-- very interesting points that I agree with 100%. 

Offline Buter8137

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 6
  • Manna: 0
    • View Profile
Re: Giving up on my marriage
« Reply #11 on: Sat Dec 03, 2011 - 16:05:11 »
CS80819---I agree.  But I  dont have the time with raising 4 kids, working full time, working on my Master's keeping the home, to be wondering about what he is doing when he is not at work.  It's like I just want it all to go away ...The hurt, pain, wondering, anger, etc.

Offline chosenone

  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Posts: 29783
  • Manna: 527
  • Gender: Female
    • View Profile
Re: Giving up on my marriage
« Reply #12 on: Sun Dec 04, 2011 - 21:26:27 »
CS80819---I agree.  But I  dont have the time with raising 4 kids, working full time, working on my Master's keeping the home, to be wondering about what he is doing when he is not at work.  It's like I just want it all to go away ...The hurt, pain, wondering, anger, etc.


 Well you have every right to end the marriage if you choose to.It wont make the hurt go away but it will enable you to begin to heal and move on. No one would blame you for taking this option. A couple of us here have suggested seperating for a year or so and after that making a final decision one way or another.How does that sound to you?
You do such a lot. Is it possible for you to put your masters on hold for a time? Bringing up 4 children is hard enough without working full time and studying. Could you go back to that later when the children are older?

Offline Buter8137

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 6
  • Manna: 0
    • View Profile
Re: Giving up on my marriage
« Reply #13 on: Tue Dec 06, 2011 - 19:18:47 »
Yes, I probably need to back off on some of the thing I have going on.  THank you everyone for your thoughts and advice etc..