Author Topic: Separated for 14 months  (Read 877 times)

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Offline KarlaGrace

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Separated for 14 months
« on: Sun Jun 02, 2019 - 00:52:03 »
Not sure where to start. I posted about our marriage before.. I cannot find it. My husband and I have been separated for 14 months. We met online on a Christian dating website, and married 2 weeks later. We are in our early 30s. I love him a lot and we have a lot in common. He did help me a lot and was caring. Was very generous with me the whole marriage. Also cannot say he was not a loving husband because he was…..but I could not deal with what I thought a "bad temper" at the beginning. I might have ignored it or did not want to see it. Gradually, I noticed this was not just a man with a bad mood. It was a constant pattern of rage and violence with me or other people in his life. My husband has injured me badly last year and he did hurt other people before. The first time I knew he had a mental illness (intermittent explosive disorder) was during a trip to Romania. We got in a car accident out of the city. The road was dark and narrow. We were lost and he was trying to find his way to the hotel. This was a huge truck …  very scary experience. I was pregnant back then but thank God who protected everyone here. I was not hurt at all. Nobody was hurt. My husband was fine but his reaction was unusual. He opened his door, looked at the car for few seconds went to the man in the other car and kept beating him hysterically, dragged him off the truck and started kicking him to his stomach and his face. I was in awe and for a long time not because I have seen him do that only but because we left an injured man behind us. Until today, I pray that God forgives us both for it. The day after, I was so upset with him…  he breaks it to me…. about his disorder and how his ex left him because of it. While I can relate to this, I also suffer from BPD, which is just another mental illness, but I can never relate to why my husband refused to get help knowing fully this is destroying our life.

   
We were making some progress to save our marriage with him agreeing finally to go counseling and getting therapeutic help, until things went south this past month. All the progress we were both making this whole time, he destroyed it all in a single day. We had an argument, which became a fight and name calling quickly, and him slapping me. Now when we were arguing, I assure you, I barely spoke two or three sentences and nothing I said would have made him come at me again. Him on the other hand, was screaming and yelling at me for about an hour straight then he literally stood up, slapped me so hard, and left my place. That day, I was depressed but I did not believe this was going to stop me from trying to recover and reconcile with him even with him hitting me again.

but.... the next day, he is all over his Facebook trying to make me look guilty and wow accusing me of cheating on him on top of that! This was all about some pictures he found in my phone with some coworkers and their friends (I barely know them) during a birthday party. At the beginning, he was angry about my makeup and my dress and my gesture. (He said I have no self-respect and I am confident he called me a sl*t but he swore he did not. He cannot hear himself when he is triggered.) While I admit one picture was inappropriate, but it is nowhere close to cheating on your spouse. I actually did not even notice it. I had few drinks that night and I thought we were having some fun. Nothing more than that. He blocked me, so I cannot even defend myself, and the funny part people ask him why he deletes their comments if they do not agree with his story and he lies to their faces!


He did not stop like this. He posted few pictures taken from my instagram in an attempt to discredit me.  All of these pictures (which I am not proud of) were at least 5 years old before our marriage and at that time, I was not a Christian nor did I knew him! I think he made it clear. He thinks I am still unclean or have not changed and that is not true and he knows this.

I was able to contact facebook and have these pictures removed but he kept blackmailing and harassing me with more and more. Not easy to monitor 3,352 posts. This eventually led me to contact a lawyer to discuss my options. He deleted everything only to avoid being accountable legally. Seems we are back to the day he threw me out of the house and ending breaking my wrist over "me not respecting him."  He had me go to a shelter and if it was not for some people in my church…. that could have been 10 times worse.

I feel like I totally lost hope. He said he wants to stay a friend for the best of our daughter. He has been seeing her nearly daily before this, and now I regret it because I am not sure if we can be a family. I have been divorced before and I know when men say things like that means they are ending their marriages and have given up. I do not want to say it yet because I do not want to let the devil get the best of me. I know God is guiding me through this, but I am also so tired.  Every time I leave and I say, I am done with him. He keeps texting or calling me.

If you have any advice let me know.
Thank you for listening.

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Separated for 14 months
« on: Sun Jun 02, 2019 - 00:52:03 »

Online RB

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Re: Separated for 14 months
« Reply #1 on: Sun Jun 02, 2019 - 05:06:37 »
Not sure where to start. I posted about our marriage before.. I cannot find it.
It should be easy to locate. All you need to do is go to:

Profile Info!
Summary
Show Stats
Show Posts................... and scroll down until you find what you are looking for. I just check your previous posts and found about five or six of them.
« Last Edit: Sun Jun 02, 2019 - 05:08:48 by RB »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Separated for 14 months
« Reply #2 on: Sun Jun 02, 2019 - 16:00:50 »
I am sorry KarlaGrace, but he does not have a mental illness called 'intermittent explosive disorder', there is no such thing, what a total load of rubbish. He is a disgusting dangerous violent abuser. He deserves to be in jail for what he did to that man and what he has done you. Stay right away, if you can, move to a place where he cant find you. Do NOT let your child spend time with any abuser, she is in danger.

Get legal advise, take out a restraining order and go to the police and tell them what he did to you and that man. They will have that attack on record and can arrest him for it. 

The massive mistake was you marrying a man after just 2 weeks who you knew nothing about. The second massive mistake was staying with and having child with a violent dangerous abuser.
« Last Edit: Sun Jun 02, 2019 - 16:31:48 by chosenone »

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Re: Separated for 14 months
« Reply #2 on: Sun Jun 02, 2019 - 16:00:50 »

Offline KarlaGrace

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Re: Separated for 14 months
« Reply #3 on: Mon Jun 03, 2019 - 22:39:08 »
Thank you for your kindness. I found the old post.

First, if this is not a disorder or mental, then I do not know what it is. His sister confirmed it. She told me she heard it from his ex, but I have not seen him take any meds. I cannot think of anything else. He is either too violent or tearful like a baby. That seems mental to me. My counselor suspected substance abuse many times, but I was thinking it must be his coffee then?! Seriously, he does not smoke or drink. He goes to the gym every 2 days and cares about his shape and health. I am also in a very good shape. I do not abuse any substances. I have never gained weight. I am a good runner. I can run very long distances weekly and attend yoga classes. These are my hobbies. Despite my insecurities, I do feel I am attractive. My pregnancy did not change me on the outside. maybe slightly. We had good intimacy together. I had admiration/compliments from him and even others if that is the right way to say it.

I am not going to the police and have my husband jailed. I may as well file for a divorce and end it. I thought about it in the past because I was very very bitter and my thinking was not right. The Police are the last people who care about you me or him or doing the right thing. I had very negative experiences with them. I have seen them hurt people and harass women. They are only bad news. I would be amazed if there are true Christians working in that satanic institution. Also what would I gain? I do not want my husband to lose his job. I barely could pay my rent and I am not revengeful. 

If you think I can have my daughter away from him then you are mistaken. I am still not in a good place financially. He threatened me and I know I will run a high risk if i tried.  I challenged him many times in this marriage. Every time I do something contrary to what he tells me, he retaliates and I am always losing. He gave me checks more than I asked to support his daughter. I agreed I would let him know my place, where I go and when I should be home, and have him access to my account and phone. Even though I am so scared of him hitting me every time he is around me, I cannot betray our agreement.   

My husband believes our problems should stay between us. He was not ok with me talking to my priest and especially his very close friend. I thought I was doing the right thing but I am not sure anymore. It felt like I betrayed him. Now even my priest does not look at me the same way. Last time he said Satan speaks from my mouth. ..… I made a mistake and lied to him about previous marriages among other things. I was thinking this was going to hinder our marriage if I told him the truth. My husband was ok with it, but he revealed it later to ruin my reputation. Now we are both excommunicated and things gotten worse. My husband distanced me from my only church friends because I got them involved in our marriage. His church friend had a good influence on him. The wife was very close to me and she is around my age.  I assumed this is ok because they helped us in the past and we invited them a lot. My husband used to love them. Now he does not attend church (he blames me for it) and he does not talk to those couple because of me.

I think I have done many mistakes but if you came from my worldview, you might have done the same. Can you imagine? I was living in a very small town in Russia, had only a mother there and I used to help her sell some fruits on the street. That is how we made our money to live. Then all of sudden I am in China then London and New York. Been looking for belonging and safety my entire life and I feel on the edge again. There were times I was thinking about ending it would be easier. I learned from the world and my mistakes. Been around the wrong people all the time. Nobody was there to guide me until I met God. I was drunk and very hungry waiting for awful men to pick me up in a cold snowy night. That is when a Christian woman instead picked me up. I was thinking so strange a woman was taking me in because I do not do the gay thing. She took me to her house, cleaned me, cooked for me, and guided me. Until today, we maintain a close friendship. I was wondering why a complete stranger is so kind to me and wants nothing in return. Many people had great things mapped for them since they were born in the right family. I was not. That is all.

God brings good out of miserable and horrific things. My daughter is the source of all happiness in my life. I would not be the same person without her. She is very lovely. She got a Russian hair and eyes and an American nose. I cannot wait. I want to see her go to college, earn a degree and be something I could not.   

Sorry had to write a lot.
Bless you,
Karla

Forgot to mention... I could send this link to my husband if any of you here want to speak to him ? He could see it for himself and tells you if I ever wronged him.
« Last Edit: Tue Jun 04, 2019 - 01:29:06 by KarlaGrace »

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Re: Separated for 14 months
« Reply #3 on: Mon Jun 03, 2019 - 22:39:08 »

Offline mommydi

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Re: Separated for 14 months
« Reply #4 on: Tue Jun 04, 2019 - 10:01:27 »
I am sorry KarlaGrace, but he does not have a mental illness called 'intermittent explosive disorder', there is no such thing, what a total load of rubbish.

Actually, there is such a thing as "intermittent explosive disorder."

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/intermittent-explosive-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20373921

Experts believe this stems from a history of abuse or major trauma during childhood.

There are treatments for it, but a person has to want help and seek it.

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Re: Separated for 14 months
« Reply #4 on: Tue Jun 04, 2019 - 10:01:27 »



Offline mommydi

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Re: Separated for 14 months
« Reply #5 on: Tue Jun 04, 2019 - 10:13:30 »
My counselor suspected substance abuse many times...
...He goes to the gym every 2 days and cares about his shape and health.

Hi KarlaGrace. So sorry about your situation. Your comments about the counselor suspecting substance abuse - plus, you mentioning how much he loves working out at the gym reminded me of something. Is there a possibility that he could be taking any steroids or body building supplements to enhance his workouts? Overuse of these hormones/supplements can cause a marked increase in irritability and aggression. I've been noticing lately that the men we see on the news who are killing their spouses are usually not fat, couch potatoes, but have a very active gym life. When reading about them, some of them have been involved in various muscle building regimens including supplementing with hormones/supplements. If a man is predisposed to angry outbursts and aggression, then these supplements may trigger him even more.
Maybe he's not supplementing, but just wanted to ask.

People with anger issues often have a history of childhood trauma and/or abuse. Has he ever mentioned anything like that to you?

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Re: Separated for 14 months
« Reply #5 on: Tue Jun 04, 2019 - 10:13:30 »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Separated for 14 months
« Reply #6 on: Tue Jun 04, 2019 - 15:53:12 »
Your husband is a violent abuser, there are people like him around. Its your job to make sure that you and your daughter are safe, and right now neither of you are.
I wouldn't let my child anywhere near a man like that, and yes, you must tell others. He could kill you next time and what happens to your daughter then? Please get legal advise.     

Offline KarlaGrace

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Re: Separated for 14 months
« Reply #7 on: Tue Jun 04, 2019 - 19:44:00 »
All that I have seen him take is the protein powders that you can find in Walmart or any shopping center. He usually takes it in the morning or just right before the gym in a glass of milk. That is what I know. He did not mention anything like childhood trauma or abuse. He has a very sweet mother, two sisters and a brother. I felt they were not happy about him lately. His dad is not alive. All I know he was in the military. Maybe he was harsh on him. No clue. I also met some of his very far relatives. They were kind and lovely people.

I want to be with him. Still loves him a lot. He did a lot of good things to me so yeah... I do not want to sound like a child and complain a lot. I Just do not want to be pushed around, slapped and yelled at. I have done things he really hates in the past. I am willing to listen and do what he asks me to do.

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Re: Separated for 14 months
« Reply #8 on: Wed Jun 05, 2019 - 03:21:34 »
All that I have seen him take is the protein powders that you can find in Walmart or any shopping center. He usually takes it in the morning or just right before the gym in a glass of milk. That is what I know. He did not mention anything like childhood trauma or abuse. He has a very sweet mother, two sisters and a brother. I felt they were not happy about him lately. His dad is not alive. All I know he was in the military. Maybe he was harsh on him. No clue. I also met some of his very far relatives. They were kind and lovely people.

I want to be with him. Still loves him a lot. He did a lot of good things to me so yeah... I do not want to sound like a child and complain a lot. I Just do not want to be pushed around, slapped and yelled at. I have done things he really hates in the past. I am willing to listen and do what he asks me to do.

So you are blaming yourself for the fact that he beats you up, breaks your wrist and commits a very serious assault offense against another man? Sheesh. Is this what you want for your daughter? To think that its normal for her dad to be violently abusive to her mum? To live in a violent home????
This man is DANGEROUS. He could kill you or you daughter. Please contact an organisation who helps battered women. You MUST tell someone. 

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Re: Separated for 14 months
« Reply #8 on: Wed Jun 05, 2019 - 03:21:34 »

Offline David 212

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RE: Separated for 14 months (Karla's husband)
« Reply #9 on: Thu Jun 06, 2019 - 22:47:28 »
Hey. I am the Husband. Karla texted me her post. I can not find the where to respond there so I made a new separate post.

Disappointed my wife thinks she got a Christian advice. She did not. I am not here to defend myself. I want to tell the FACTS and leave it.

No Christian men on these forums? JUST BECAUSE SHE GOT A VAGINA DOES NOT MEAN SHE IS RIGHT.

Let me make this clear: I DO NOT HAVE ANY MENTAL DISORDER. SHE DOES! SHE HAS BEEN TAKING HER MEDS FOR THE PAST 12 or 13 YEARS AS FAR AS I KNOW. SHE IS DIAGNOSED BORDERLINE. SEEN HER MEDICAL RECORDS. IT IS OFFICIAL. SO GET THAT STRAIGHT.

Today she loves me. Next morning she hates me. This very minute she wants to save our marriage and just when I am ready to forgive her, she is leaving me again. You go and try to live with a borderline for only 1 year and let me know if you like it, ok? You will go insane!!!
 
IED is what they thought I had and turned out later I do not have it. AND I NEVER hit or abused my EX wife. MY EX DOES NOT EVEN CLAIM ANYTHING LIKE THAT HAS OCCURRED EVER IN HER MARRIAGE! I am not THIS "serial" abuser you think I am.  I had many disagreements with my EX but the marriage ended peacefully. THAT was a Christian marriage. This ONE. I am not so sure. 

YOU DO NOT KNOW MY WIFE. YOU DO NOT KNOW ALL THE DETAILS OR WHAT SHE HAS DONE ME. I was VERY patient. I loved her and cared for her. That is not for you to decide if she should leave me or not. WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!? What is your profession to say such a thing to a troubled woman? Just amuse me please.

I have legitimate biblical grounds for divorce if I wanted to end this a long time ago. Let me tell you this and I know what I am saying. Her daughter without me will be anything BUT Christian. YOU REALLY HAVE NO IDEA!
 
Heh… I was not beating that man hysterically! I was trying to have a conversation with this gypsy man who nearly killed me and my family and if THAT was not enough, he spat in my face and was very hostile. That happened AFTER he provoked me. That was a mistake.. BIG HORRIBLE mistake, not an assault. He started it not me. What could you have done differently? This was Romania. I call the cops. They take him in custody or maybe they do absolutely NOTHING. Not going to shed a tear for it. Yes. I get angry IF there is a good reason. I will even say that I use a physical FORCE if I had to defend myself. That is NOT violence. It is a RIGHT. BIG difference!

By the way. SHE DID GET HURT. We got some deep cuts from the broken glass. She was hospitalized. People call this an injury.

Now let me go to the part she claims I broke her wrist last year. IS NOT THIS WHY YOU THINK I AM THIS DANGEROUS ABUSER?

I did slap her multiple times that night. WAS NOT a brutal force.... but it was VERY sinful of me and yes morally wrong. I am sinning by doing this to my wife, but I did NOT break her wrist. I DID NOT DO THAT.

She went to the bathroom and locked the door behind her. THEN SHE IS CALLING THIS FRIEND OF MINE TELLING HIM TO COME OVER I AM KILLING HER! Now this friend comes to the house immediately. She was too scared and ready to leave. She fell! YES! Even this friend saw it. My friend took her to his house and then his wife took her to the hospital. THAT IS THE TRUTH IN NUTSHELL. I feel bad for her. I really do…. but how is that ME breaking her wrist? HOW? YOU tell me.

I can be mean but I am no monster. You need to know when she told you in her older posts that she left her previous job that "she gave it up after becoming a Christian." She is fooling herself. My wife was doing this thing for a very long time in this marriage. Every now and then, she is booked with some photographers. She finally stopped ONLY AFTER having an affair with a married man! This man's wife been trying to approach me for months. Finally, we met and She told me about it, showed me their dirty messages, and how she is telling him this thing.... about her makeup... That he messed it up because..... HIM all over her…

I go and confront my wife about it. She says, "Listen. Please. I can explain it. This is really not what it looks like.." This is WHY I HIT her last year. All the other things she tells you happened many years ago or AFTER our separation is nonsense, waste of your time, and a distraction. That is what all cheaters do. They lie, manipulate, deceive, and go look for sympathizers here and there and eventually they end their marriages themselves and they go and try to find another prey.
 
Those church friends…. I still maintain a healthy relationship with them. In fact, they do not want to have ANYTHING with my wife because she has been manipulating them for a long time. That is a harsh truth because she may not know this yet.

I do not attend the church??? Huh? Of course…. for legal matters. No. I did not call her a slut, ever. I paid thousands of dollars for her intensive English courses and took a year and we still have a language barrier. I careless about her past. I never judged her for it. She professes Christianity, is not that true? I judge THAT.

It is questionable if she truly believes or not. She could be a practicing Buddhist. These Yoga classes. Not sure if she got Nirvana or the Holy Spirit.

My wife is indeed a very attractive woman. Of course, men probably want to be close to her. Her beauty is a CURSE though. A woman professing Christian "orthodoxy" who lures, tempts, and manipulates another married men? You tell me if you want this happening to you? God knows if he was the only one. She was very careful but the other man was not. His poor wife finds out about it. Now that is on her destroying someone else's marriage and not me.

I DO NOT want to SAVE this marriage NOT anymore and NOT UNTIL she changes her immoral behavior, confesses, and repents. I actually need to be SAVED FROM such a relationship. Because of the nature of my job, I sometimes have to travel. She betrayed my trust.

All the things she did later, dolling up and going out with strangers I know nothing about, and taking selfies with them, then she blames it all on insecurities and the past…yeah this needs to stop. I also had a carnal past, chased after women, had sex before my marriages, but then I changed my ways and never looked back.

STOP blaming ME OR I am not going to waste any minute here.

She is NOT the victim. END OF THE STORY.
« Last Edit: Thu Jun 06, 2019 - 22:58:02 by David 212 »

Offline mommydi

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Re: RE: Separated for 14 months (Karla's husband)
« Reply #10 on: Fri Jun 07, 2019 - 06:55:04 »
I just want to know one thing-

Is this the first time we've had a husband and wife go after each other in the marriage forum?

Anyway-
The part about beating up a gypsy in Romania is an exotic twist.



Offline Texas Conservative

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Re: RE: Separated for 14 months (Karla's husband)
« Reply #11 on: Fri Jun 07, 2019 - 07:02:39 »
I am not surprised that chosenone believed the woman, since she is a feminist.

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Re: RE: Separated for 14 months (Karla's husband)
« Reply #12 on: Fri Jun 07, 2019 - 07:29:17 »
I just want to know one thing-

Is this the first time we've had a husband and wife go after each other in the marriage forum?

Anyway-
The part about beating up a gypsy in Romania is an exotic twist.

 ::eatingpopcorn:


Offline Alan

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Re: Separated for 14 months
« Reply #13 on: Fri Jun 07, 2019 - 11:24:34 »
Well! I'm totally shocked that there could possibly be another side to an internet story.

Offline chosenone

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Re: RE: Separated for 14 months (Karla's husband)
« Reply #14 on: Sat Jun 08, 2019 - 14:39:27 »
I am not surprised that chosenone believed the woman, since she is a feminist.

Not in the least. He has admitted that he uses violence against his wife. Is that ok with you? Would you be ok with your daughter being hit and slapped by her husband? Maybe  being against men beating up women is feminisit now? There was me thinking it was being a decent human being.

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Re: RE: Separated for 14 months (Karla's husband)
« Reply #15 on: Sat Jun 08, 2019 - 14:42:06 »
I am not surprised that chosenone believed the woman, since she is a feminist.
  and of course, you are a chauvinist so you believe him.

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Re: RE: Separated for 14 months (Karla's husband)
« Reply #16 on: Sat Jun 08, 2019 - 19:32:24 »
  and of course, you are a chauvinist so you believe him.

I do not believe either one of them. In this case it is good they have each other because that way they wont mess up two other lives.

Offline KarlaGrace

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Re: Separated for 14 months
« Reply #17 on: Sat Jun 08, 2019 - 21:55:01 »
I fell but that is not how it happened. You are a jerk. You pushed me over the sofa. I got my wrist against the edge of the table. It was very painful.

I was not fooling anyone. God has led me to quit my certified job. The other things I did because every time I tell you that I do not have money left. You tell me "I gave you this much and that much…. " and when I say…… I sent it to Russia, you get upset and start a fight. I actually do not like to do this but I have to help my mother. You chose to believe a woman who despises your wife. That is not fair and you are hurting me. This woman used to be my very close friend and she is nothing but trouble. Satan is using her to destroy our marriage. I really believe I am under a spiritual attack. All the things you said to me lately brings dark thoughts. You may think I am manipulating you but I am going to say it because it is devastating me. I feel suicidal and deep emptiness. I talked to my therapist and she is worried. They may even call you soon. You do not want me in a psychiatric hospital if you truly care about your daughter.


Praying someone will convince you to go counselling again. That is the only way to fix this.

not going to post anymore.

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Re: RE: Separated for 14 months (Karla's husband)
« Reply #18 on: Fri Jun 14, 2019 - 22:40:09 »
  and of course, you are a chauvinist so you believe him.

My dear chosenone, no, I am not a chauvinist.  I don't believe him.  I don't believe her.  I believe both of their stories are too convenient for a message board, and that both husband and wife are here posting about their side?  Too weird.  I think this is a troll job.  But I knew you would come out of the woodwork  to comment on such a story.  Like a moth to a flame.

Offline mommydi

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Re: RE: Separated for 14 months (Karla's husband)
« Reply #19 on: Fri Jun 14, 2019 - 23:23:26 »
My dear chosenone, no, I am not a chauvinist.  I don't believe him.  I don't believe her.  I believe both of their stories are too convenient for a message board, and that both husband and wife are here posting about their side?  Too weird.  I think this is a troll job.  But I knew you would come out of the woodwork  to comment on such a story.  Like a moth to a flame.

I still like the part about him beating up a gypsy in Romania.


 

     
anything