Author Topic: Separated - Wife Wants Divorce  (Read 1177 times)

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Offline MeekSoul

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Separated - Wife Wants Divorce
« on: Mon Mar 14, 2016 - 11:20:20 »
I'll try to keep this short, but provide enough info so that others can offer their advice.

In May of last year, my wife took off without saying anything. She sent me a text that I was verbally abusive and controlling towards her, and that she couldn't deal with it anymore. I was in a marriage counselor's office a couple days later laying my heart out that I didn't understand why she saw me that way. After one session by myself, and one with her on the phone, the (christian) counselor said it was so obvious she has a lot of emotional trauma from her childhood. My wife comes back, and we start going to a different (christian) counselor who is amazing. My wife ends up leaving again, this time for two months. The whole time she is gone, we are doing 1 to 2 sessions per week and made huge progress.

The counselor agreed that the emotional trauma was driving my wife's fears, and that she never saw any abusive/controlling behavior in myself. My wife comes back and we continue working on our marriage. While she was gone, I learned she was sexting another guy and talking/texting some guy she'd never met and she had planned to go out on a date. I forgive her and try to move on.

We had to stop going to counseling in October due to the cost and things started to go down hill. She began increasingly secretive about things, such as changing her phone password all the time and claiming she had an upset stomach and would be in the bathroom talking to a guy friend back in Texas. We got to the point of being able to afford counseling and I book a session, and my wife says she doesn't want to go because she doesn't believe it will help. I go anyway, and while I was at the session, my wife packs up and heads back to Houston.

She refuses to talk to me about anything other than getting a divorce. She believes I am solely to blame for the breakdown of our marriage. The counselor thinks she is the main problem (I have plenty to work on of course, but nothing that would drive the average person away).

What I would like to know is how to try to communicate with my wife. It's been two and a half weeks now and she told me to stop sending her emails. I was explaining how I got involved in a men's prayer group at church and how I have fully committed myself to living my life for God instead of being a passive follower.

She has also blocked my phone number on her phone. She has blocked me on instagram and facebook, and deleted all our pictures together on facebook.

I feel she is associating all the emotional trauma with me instead of the horrible things in her childhood, and is trying to block me out of her life.

The earliest she can file for divorce in Texas is at the end of August.

How do I go about trying to communicate with her, if at all? I am putting my full faith in God that He can restore our marriage, but I feel I can't just sit back and expect God to do all the work. I believe we also have to do our part. I just don't know what that is. I fully believe God can remove the trauma she has.

I will be moving back to Texas at the end of this month because I can't afford to pay all our bills without her salary. She is only 22, while I am 7.5 years older.

Thank you so much!

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Separated - Wife Wants Divorce
« on: Mon Mar 14, 2016 - 11:20:20 »

Offline MeMyself

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Re: Separated - Wife Wants Divorce
« Reply #1 on: Mon Mar 14, 2016 - 11:27:36 »
You may have to let her leave.  Your counselor has given you their support, assured you that you aren't the biggest problem, your heart is learning to follow God...and as hard as it is to hear, He says if an unbeliever (which her behavior indicates that she is) wants to leave, to let them. (1 Corinthians 7:15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.)

She has said "no contact"...there is nothing *you* can do to change that.  Pray that God, if it be His will, will soften and change her heart (she is VERY young), but keep learning to follow Him, and becoming the best version of yourself that you can be in the meantime.  Don't let any change in you be about her, but about pleasing God and bringing Him glory with your life.

God bless.  I am sorry that you are experiencing this hard thing.

Offline MeekSoul

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Re: Separated - Wife Wants Divorce
« Reply #2 on: Mon Mar 14, 2016 - 11:31:26 »
Thank you for the advice.

She is definitely a believer, and that is the number 1 reason I married her. We both failed to make God our number 1 priority during the last two years, though we both did things independently like reading our Bible and listening to sermons online.

Because she once had such a close relationship with God, I feel like she may get back to that over the next couple of months and realize the mistake she has made. That is my hope at least, and where I am putting my faith in. With God, nothing is impossible

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Re: Separated - Wife Wants Divorce
« Reply #2 on: Mon Mar 14, 2016 - 11:31:26 »

Offline MeMyself

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Re: Separated - Wife Wants Divorce
« Reply #3 on: Mon Mar 14, 2016 - 11:40:43 »
Thank you for the advice.

She is definitely a believer, and that is the number 1 reason I married her. We both failed to make God our number 1 priority during the last two years, though we both did things independently like reading our Bible and listening to sermons online.

Because she once had such a close relationship with God, I feel like she may get back to that over the next couple of months and realize the mistake she has made. That is my hope at least, and where I am putting my faith in. With God, nothing is impossible

Then, follow the lead of the Prodigal's father.  He let his son go, but waited for him to return.  Pray, press into God, grow and wait.  It is SO hard, waiting. God bless you and may He grant you the desires of your heart for your bride.

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Re: Separated - Wife Wants Divorce
« Reply #3 on: Mon Mar 14, 2016 - 11:40:43 »

Offline MeekSoul

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Re: Separated - Wife Wants Divorce
« Reply #4 on: Mon Mar 14, 2016 - 11:43:48 »
Thank you for the advice.

She is definitely a believer, and that is the number 1 reason I married her. We both failed to make God our number 1 priority during the last two years, though we both did things independently like reading our Bible and listening to sermons online.

Because she once had such a close relationship with God, I feel like she may get back to that over the next couple of months and realize the mistake she has made. That is my hope at least, and where I am putting my faith in. With God, nothing is impossible

Then, follow the lead of the Prodigal's father.  He let his son go, but waited for him to return.  Pray, press into God, grow and wait.  It is SO hard, waiting. God bless you and may He grant you the desires of your heart for your bride.

Waiting is the absolute hardest thing to do!  ::pray::
« Last Edit: Mon Mar 14, 2016 - 11:58:00 by MeekSoul »

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Re: Separated - Wife Wants Divorce
« Reply #4 on: Mon Mar 14, 2016 - 11:43:48 »



Offline chosenone

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Re: Separated - Wife Wants Divorce
« Reply #5 on: Mon Mar 14, 2016 - 15:11:24 »
When people are sinning by being in a wrong relationship with another person, they will always blame the other spouse. As a Christian she must know that sexting other men and having a relationship with another man is wrong hence she is shifting the guilt and blame onto you.
I doubt its anything to do with her past, it sounds far more likely that she is seeking after other men and having wrong relationships with them.  I have heard the same sort of things so many times from people whose spouses are straying.
Has you pastor challenged her on her behaviour at all?

Unless she is prepared to repent and be completely open with her phone and computers and stop all these wrong relationships, I am not sure what can be done except pray that she will see sense.

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Re: Separated - Wife Wants Divorce
« Reply #5 on: Mon Mar 14, 2016 - 15:11:24 »

Offline Texas Conservative

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Re: Separated - Wife Wants Divorce
« Reply #6 on: Mon Mar 14, 2016 - 16:07:42 »
#1.  I bet she cheated on you.
#2.  Besides emotional issues, she's 22.  In many ways in current American culture, she's a child

I have been in a similar situation.  Be prepared to move on.  You are only responsible for your conduct from here on out.  Grieve, but don't make emotional decisions.

Offline Jason_NC

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Re: Separated - Wife Wants Divorce
« Reply #7 on: Mon Mar 14, 2016 - 18:18:39 »
What do you mean by a "Christian Counselor"?  Was the counselor using secular counseling therapies with as a Christian?  Or was the counselor counseling from scripture?  I HIGHLY recommend finding a biblical counselor.  They work differently.  And if your wife is a Christian, genuinely, and you are too, a biblical counselor will do you a LOT of good. 

Find a counselor here:  http://www.biblicalcounseling.com/counselors
« Last Edit: Tue Mar 15, 2016 - 16:50:01 by Jason_NC »

Offline Alma1995

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Re: Separated - Wife Wants Divorce
« Reply #8 on: Mon Mar 14, 2016 - 21:07:58 »
Hello brother, I'm sorry you are going through this hardship. As someone stated, you have to let her go. Because from what I've read she already cheated on you. Sexting is cheating. Allow yourself to have some time to mourn the end of your marriage but rest assured that in your case, you can divorce without guilt because she broke the sacred covenant. Some users already stated this in other post but I'll say it again. There is life after divorce. There are plenty Christian women out there. God will take into account you tried your best to save you'll marriage and he will provide. He always does.

I'll pray for you  ::prayinghard:: May the peace be with you

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Re: Separated - Wife Wants Divorce
« Reply #8 on: Mon Mar 14, 2016 - 21:07:58 »

Offline MeganC

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Re: Separated - Wife Wants Divorce
« Reply #9 on: Mon Mar 21, 2016 - 12:46:03 »
Hi MeekSoul, I am so sorry you are going through all this. It really sounds like your wife has cut communications, at least for now. The first thing you can do is pray that the Lord open her eyes to see the deceptions that are pulling her down. Pray that the Lord open her eyes and draw her back to Himself.

What I am perceiving from your description of her behavior is a need on her part to be affirmed. I suspect that for some reason, she is thinking that she is unable for some reason to be loved. This is probably not coming from you, but rather from the ugly accusing thoughts satan uses against all of us in an effort to wreck what we treasure. Unfortunately, this tactic can be very effective...

Pray for a breakthrough of truth. Since you really need to save your marriage if you can, remain available, and be braced to forgive. It's really hard to guess if she will be willing to return to you...

Also, pray deeply for the Lord's insight on this issue. He can see things that we cannot, so if you become sure that the Lord is telling you something you don't want to hear, that you trust Him. Life, even for Christians, can and does take some very unpleasant turns, and that's where faith gets tested and strengthened. Be careful with yourself, because when we're afflicted, that's when we can be very vulnerable, and we should be careful to take things slow. Don't be afraid to tell the Lord it hurts, and don't be shy about being very honest in private prayer. God bless you deeply, may He sustain you through the weeks and months ahead.  ::groupprayer::

 

     
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