Author Topic: Should I be worried?  (Read 795 times)

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Offline tryingishard

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Should I be worried?
« on: Fri Apr 13, 2018 - 16:18:33 »
My husband and I share a facebook page so we see everything each other does, although I don't really do much on there. Last summer through my husbands self employed job, (mechanic) he met a couple of guys. He worked on their bikes but then also went out riding with them. A few weeks ago, one of these guys introduced a female through messenger to my husband. She wanted info on her dirtbike getting repaired. We don't even know her and she sent a friend request. I thought that was weird since we, he doesn't even know her, had a short conversation with her through messenger. He left it in there didn't accept or decline. After a few days I deleted it. My husband got very angry saying it didn't matter if we knew her we could have just accepted it and didnt "follow" her saying it was a slap in the face to do that. I disagree. Over this past week she has been corresponding with my husband through messenger him guiding her on something she is fixing on her bike. He just spoke with her on the phone a little while ago and she is going to be bringing her bike here and my husband said they could work on it together so he can show her how to fix it when she's out riding. So again, I can see and hear everything he is saying and doing, here's my concern. My husband has been riding with people she goes with as well, I feel that it isn't appropriate for him to be out riding when there are females out there even in a group because for one my husband isn't a christian and he cheated on me years ago. I have not suspected anything for many years but I feel he's setting himself up by doing this where he's going to get himself into a position where he can't get out of. Am I making a big deal out of this? Plus I feel like deep down he feels it's pretty cool that a lady is working on her own bike but maybe that's just me being jealous

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Should I be worried?
« on: Fri Apr 13, 2018 - 16:18:33 »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Should I be worried?
« Reply #1 on: Fri Apr 13, 2018 - 17:20:07 »
With your past trouble with his cheating I think he needs to do all he can to avoid being alone or spending too much time with another woman. Isn't there anyone else she can go to? Why couldn't the man who sent her to your husband have helped her?
He must keep strict boundaries with his past cheating, and working on a bike together just he and her doeant sound sensible.

Offline tryingishard

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Re: Should I be worried?
« Reply #2 on: Fri Apr 13, 2018 - 17:38:19 »
Thanks for the reply. The guy who sent her has my husband work on his bike as well. He's the "go to guy" for a lot of the riders in our area so that's why. I agree that he shouldn't work on her bike together,  feel really uncomfortable with it mainly because like I said, he rides with a lot of the people she goes with, he's been lucky that she hasn't been there yet when he's gone, but I feel that he's kind of setting himself up for way more interaction with her,not only here but out riding if she happened to go on a ride he was on. She does have a boyfriend, he is also a guy my husband has ridden with quite often. When he is here working on her bike together, I will be here so it's not like he's doing it without me here but still I most likely can't be in the garage which I find would e weird anyways. My biggest issue is we do not see eye to eye on this and my husband is not a christian so that doesn't help.

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Re: Should I be worried?
« Reply #2 on: Fri Apr 13, 2018 - 17:38:19 »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Should I be worried?
« Reply #3 on: Fri Apr 13, 2018 - 22:32:09 »
Maybe suggest that her boyfriend comes too so that he can also learn how to mend their bikes? Not sure that him not being a Christians makes too much difference. Boundaries are still needed especially being that he cheated before.

Some may think my own boundaries are too strict, but its because of the countless marriages and lives I have seen destroyed by affairs.

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Re: Should I be worried?
« Reply #3 on: Fri Apr 13, 2018 - 22:32:09 »

Offline tryingishard

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Re: Should I be worried?
« Reply #4 on: Sun Apr 15, 2018 - 13:10:35 »
He wont ask her that because he says it will make her think she isn't capable of learning. I do think in part it makes a difference if he's a Christian or not because he would see things in a biblical view and maybe understand a little more where I am coming from.  I think the cheating aspect of it is that he thinks it's in the past, we haven't discussed that in a very long time. We've had a really good marriage over the last 7 + years.
We are not seeing this in the same light and it hurts, I feel a wall going up on my side because of that fear, not that he would have an affair with her but that he is taking that risk in bringing her here getting to know her and then her riding with him in the future because over the last year about 10 guys he rode with know her and ride with her frequently, my husband just got lucky those times she didn't show up. I just don't know what to do, keep praying?? How do I show love when I feel fear? I know that's my issue but it is really hard.

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Re: Should I be worried?
« Reply #4 on: Sun Apr 15, 2018 - 13:10:35 »



Offline chosenone

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Re: Should I be worried?
« Reply #5 on: Sun Apr 15, 2018 - 17:41:36 »
All you can do is to tell him that you are very unhappy and uncomfortable with this situation and leave it there. You cant force him to change his mind. 
I do think that we need firm boundaries, and if he has cheated then that's even more important, but he has to set his own boundaries in the end. 

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Re: Should I be worried?
« Reply #5 on: Sun Apr 15, 2018 - 17:41:36 »

Offline tryingishard

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Re: Should I be worried?
« Reply #6 on: Mon Apr 16, 2018 - 12:53:25 »
I have been praying about this and how to talk to him about this.  So finally last night I talked with him. I asked why he thought it was appropriate for her to come here and you show her how to do this as a shop wouldn't take customers back and show them how to repair their bike. If she needs it fixed she should just drop it off. He said that that since she did do the repair herself but needs this last thing adjusted it's too hard to walk her through this over facebook and if she brought her bike here it's an adj  that's not straight forward, he could adj, her ride it still not be right and she would have to keep bringing it over, I get this I know this is a touchy carb adj however he does this all the time and most of the time people aren't needing to keep bringing it back but he said alot of guys know how to adj it once he gets it close. He said this wont take that long however I know for a fact they will start talking about riding and trails and he'll probablly even show her all of our bikes especially our daughters since he built it ground up. Anyways then  I told him my concern that this is only setting him up for future contact with her (and I do not have problems with him working on her bike (alone) but that she is now going to think it will be fun to join all her friends that he rides with and go riding with them. He says that wouldn't happen because he has ridden plenty of times with the other guys and she's never been there and I said but either that's luck or she didn't know you and maybe didn't go because she didn't know the type of rider you are, but now that she knows you and type of riding she probably would go. He isn't seeing that at all. Claims it wouldn't happen.
I know that I can't change him and make his boundaries I'm just struggling with how he seems to want to make her or her friends more happy than taking his own wife's feelings into consideration

Offline chosenone

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Re: Should I be worried?
« Reply #7 on: Mon Apr 16, 2018 - 13:24:27 »
I think you have done all you can. Try and rest in God and see what happens.