Author Topic: Should i pursue my wife to come back?  (Read 931 times)

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Offline Scw43

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Should i pursue my wife to come back?
« on: Sat Jun 11, 2016 - 15:10:34 »
   My wife and I are separated going on 5 weeks now and I didn't tell her to leave. We've separated before but this time she has her own p!ace. I am 43 and she is 52 and we've both been married before. We both have adult children but none together. Her leaving stems from constant tension and arguments over my so called inability to forgive.
   My wife was raised in a good, stable nonviolent home. Church every Sunday and Wednesday, family vacations and all that. I was raised completely opposite. Alcoholic abusive parents, divorce, sexually mistreated and neglected. My wifes only complaint about growing up was her parents didn't show alot of affection. But that's not uncommon for that generation. Her parents showed love...they didn't say it often. To her that's horrible and she says she's traumatized from it. My dad would say he loved me and then throw me across the room. Words mean very little to me.
   I say this because it's been a very difficult obstacle between us. I show love but I don't say it often. I've gotten better at telling her because I know it's important to her but then she started critiquing how I said it. Love ya was wrong. I love you was correct.
   When we first got together we agreed that we would always be truthful even if it was painful. We both have hang ups and baggage we brought from past relationships so we also agreed that we would do whatever the other one needed to show were not like our exes. To build trust. I was completely honest about my past. Alot of things I was ashamed of but I wanted her to know my heart and my history. She didn't do the same. Over the past few years ( this September we will be married 4 years), alot of things have come out that might have made me just walk away when we were dating. Alot of deception and intentionally hiding things has been an ongoing problem. Lies about sexual involvement with men that I know (this is a small town) and lies she has told her family when we argued to get sympathy. She tells me how her family treats her and she tells her family i treat her. Always back and forth. Her family by the way has always come first. Expected to watch her grandkids whenever her daughter decided she wanted to drop them off. Expected to be at her parents house every Sunday for supper, expected to be at every family birthday party, holiday and get together.I drive truck so my days off are few and far between which usually meant I couldn't make plans if her family had something going on.
   In the beginning when I started finding out she was playing sides and hiding things from me I was very patient and tried to be understanding. As time when on and dozens upon dozens of facts started coming out my temper would get worse. Her children are in their thirties with their own families but they have controlled every aspect of this marriage from the beginning. Her mother, in her passive aggressive way has tried also. Her children have cussed me on the phone and threatened to make things up to get me arrested. Her family thinks I don't fit in because I don't want to participate in everything they do every week. My wife doesn't even want to but she won't tell them that. When were not there she lets them think it's my fault which makes things worse. They all claim to be Christians but they have made it clear they don't want us together. Shes never defended me or this marriage. She's never drawn a line and took a stand for me or this marriage. Ive told her a thousand times how this makes me feel but she refuses to do anything about it. Most of the times we have separated was because of her deception and her family.
   I know this is kinda long but I feel that these things need to be known to understand the depth of the problem. And to be specific about why she left is because she's had herpes for over ten years and never told me. She hid it from me and I happen to find her medication. I had a very hard time dealing with this because it's one of the umpteen things she's kept from me and this is a very serious lie. This, like everything else that was hid, was never confessed to me. Nothing was ever confessed. I always stumbled upon a truth or she would slip up and let something out. There's never been any sign of genuine remorse or any attempt to right wrongs. Four times I've called her deception lies and she's been physically violent. Twice ive had to call the police. She blames me for getting violent and hiding things because i raise my voice and cuss sometimes when were arguing. I'm not proud of the cussing and yelling when we argue  but this is what it's escalated to. I wasnt always like this. So she left because she said that I have been too distant within the month since I found out and that I won't forgive her. I HAVE forgiven her but it's too hard to forget. It had only been a few weeks.
   So as it stands now she is gone. We got together two weeks ago and talked, spent the night together, started making plans for a marriage counselor and things started to look hopeful. Then the next day her kids called and asked her to come over. I couldn't go with her so our plans for the day were once again cut short for her family. Last night we talked on the phone and I invited her to go to church with me. We haven't been in a long time. She said no because she already made plans to go to a new church her daughter found. So I'm shot down again. She told me she doesn't know if this marriage will work because of the way her family sees me. She said she will not draw a line with them because the risk of them shunning her and holding grandkids back is too great. She said it's not worth the risk and it's not fair she should have to choose. It's been like this for almost four years now and I can't take anymore.
   So what I'm struggling with now is what does God expect me to do? Do I persuade her to come back when she's made it clear she is never going to confront her family or do anything to make amends for all the deception. She told me if I was a godly man I would just let it all go and never bring up the past but I can't trust someone who's notorious for lying and deceiving. I'm always questioning everything and there's no peace of mind or security in the marriage. I'm expected to be the leader in God's eyes but my hands are tied by her family and her deception. Theres nothing I can do to have a peaceful marriage unless i do things her and her family's way. Shes already filed for divorce and we have a hearing at the end of the month. This isn't what I wanted but is it maybe time to just let it go? Will God hold me responsible for the divorce? Does he expect me to just suck it up with her family and keep forgiving her when more lies come out and she shows no sign of remorse? Only sorry that she got caught. Im doing my best to honor God by committing myself to this marriage and keep trying but I'm absolutely clueless on how to make it work and I don't know if it's even worth it anymore.

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Should i pursue my wife to come back?
« on: Sat Jun 11, 2016 - 15:10:34 »

Online DaveW

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Re: Should i pursue my wife to come back?
« Reply #1 on: Thu Jun 23, 2016 - 07:11:40 »
Do you guys (you, her, her family) all go to the same church?

Lisa98

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Re: Should i pursue my wife to come back?
« Reply #2 on: Fri Jun 24, 2016 - 11:36:56 »
Dear SCW,

Wow...I  definitely have compassion for the situation that you are in and my heart  goes out to you. Before I go into my own response I want to urge you to find a good Christian marriage counselor for yourself so that you can work though and process each of the issues that you cited. Because regardless if your wife returns or not you are going to need guidance and support on each of the issues that you mentioned. I can only provide my feedback as a non-professional,  but I will offer what I can :-)   Now,  if you don't have access or finances for a good Christian counselor then there are a series of Godly books by world renowned Christian Psychologists   by the Name of Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.  These books are even better than many flesh and blood counselors because these men of God have a proven track record of excellence. They are absolute pioneers and leaders in the field of Biblical psychology,  life coaching and executive coaching  around the world. They have a Christian radio show, They are NY times Best selling Authors and they are bonafide Born Again Christians so their advice is God centered. They have great free Youtube videos, numerous websites and all their books address the very problems you cited. Now...I am going to share the truth about your situation.  What you described are two human beings who need a lot of guidance  and  assistance in the area of development and maturity. This is true for all of us human beings. We all have to take this journey. But not everyone is willing to take the journey because it involves a lot of personal responsibility. And I can tell by your post that you appear to be a teachable individual. And I can tell this because of your willingness to seek support and to take personal responsibility for some of the problems in your marriage and to seek solutions.  So you are actually in a very good place in your life because you are ready to grow. So weather your wife is ready to take that journey or not with you is almost not that important right now. Your job, as the Christian husband,  is not to initiate divorce,  but it is to take a leadership role in maturing yourself. And  so maybe the solution temporarily is to put the divorce on hold (if she agrees)  and to potentially remain separated (and even living apart if necessary)  long enough for you to get a lot of good counseling and guidance  so that you can offer your marriage and your wife the assurance  that you have developed enough skills to take an appropriate leadership role of a Godly husband.  Please don't interpret this to mean that I think that you are the sole cause of  challenges in your marriage. I can tell that both you and your wife need guidance and support.  But you are the one asking the question on this board so I am responding to you :-)  If she doesn't hang around  then there is still a silver lining that you are ready to grow and although the divorce will be painful  then hopefully it will be the momentum for you to really continue to learn and grow. She may even observe as you begin to grow that  you are not the same person and be inspired to  learn what you know and see what it is that caused such a transformation your life. But as for the present...it seems like in order for the marriage to work there would have to be a lot of cooperation and willingness by both parties. So start with researching the names of  Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr  John Townsend. They have a bestselling book called "Boundaries in Marriage" and all their books and resources and videos are absolute priceless jewels of Christian counseling and guidance.  I wish you and your wife healing and growth:-)

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Re: Should i pursue my wife to come back?
« Reply #2 on: Fri Jun 24, 2016 - 11:36:56 »

Offline Texas Conservative

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Re: Should i pursue my wife to come back?
« Reply #3 on: Fri Jun 24, 2016 - 14:01:35 »
   My wife and I are separated going on 5 weeks now and I didn't tell her to leave. We've separated before but this time she has her own p!ace. I am 43 and she is 52 and we've both been married before. We both have adult children but none together. Her leaving stems from constant tension and arguments over my so called inability to forgive.
   My wife was raised in a good, stable nonviolent home. Church every Sunday and Wednesday, family vacations and all that. I was raised completely opposite. Alcoholic abusive parents, divorce, sexually mistreated and neglected. My wifes only complaint about growing up was her parents didn't show alot of affection. But that's not uncommon for that generation. Her parents showed love...they didn't say it often. To her that's horrible and she says she's traumatized from it. My dad would say he loved me and then throw me across the room. Words mean very little to me.
   I say this because it's been a very difficult obstacle between us. I show love but I don't say it often. I've gotten better at telling her because I know it's important to her but then she started critiquing how I said it. Love ya was wrong. I love you was correct.
   When we first got together we agreed that we would always be truthful even if it was painful. We both have hang ups and baggage we brought from past relationships so we also agreed that we would do whatever the other one needed to show were not like our exes. To build trust. I was completely honest about my past. Alot of things I was ashamed of but I wanted her to know my heart and my history. She didn't do the same. Over the past few years ( this September we will be married 4 years), alot of things have come out that might have made me just walk away when we were dating. Alot of deception and intentionally hiding things has been an ongoing problem. Lies about sexual involvement with men that I know (this is a small town) and lies she has told her family when we argued to get sympathy. She tells me how her family treats her and she tells her family i treat her. Always back and forth. Her family by the way has always come first. Expected to watch her grandkids whenever her daughter decided she wanted to drop them off. Expected to be at her parents house every Sunday for supper, expected to be at every family birthday party, holiday and get together.I drive truck so my days off are few and far between which usually meant I couldn't make plans if her family had something going on.
   In the beginning when I started finding out she was playing sides and hiding things from me I was very patient and tried to be understanding. As time when on and dozens upon dozens of facts started coming out my temper would get worse. Her children are in their thirties with their own families but they have controlled every aspect of this marriage from the beginning. Her mother, in her passive aggressive way has tried also. Her children have cussed me on the phone and threatened to make things up to get me arrested. Her family thinks I don't fit in because I don't want to participate in everything they do every week. My wife doesn't even want to but she won't tell them that. When were not there she lets them think it's my fault which makes things worse. They all claim to be Christians but they have made it clear they don't want us together. Shes never defended me or this marriage. She's never drawn a line and took a stand for me or this marriage. Ive told her a thousand times how this makes me feel but she refuses to do anything about it. Most of the times we have separated was because of her deception and her family.
   I know this is kinda long but I feel that these things need to be known to understand the depth of the problem. And to be specific about why she left is because she's had herpes for over ten years and never told me. She hid it from me and I happen to find her medication. I had a very hard time dealing with this because it's one of the umpteen things she's kept from me and this is a very serious lie. This, like everything else that was hid, was never confessed to me. Nothing was ever confessed. I always stumbled upon a truth or she would slip up and let something out. There's never been any sign of genuine remorse or any attempt to right wrongs. Four times I've called her deception lies and she's been physically violent. Twice ive had to call the police. She blames me for getting violent and hiding things because i raise my voice and cuss sometimes when were arguing. I'm not proud of the cussing and yelling when we argue  but this is what it's escalated to. I wasnt always like this. So she left because she said that I have been too distant within the month since I found out and that I won't forgive her. I HAVE forgiven her but it's too hard to forget. It had only been a few weeks.
   So as it stands now she is gone. We got together two weeks ago and talked, spent the night together, started making plans for a marriage counselor and things started to look hopeful. Then the next day her kids called and asked her to come over. I couldn't go with her so our plans for the day were once again cut short for her family. Last night we talked on the phone and I invited her to go to church with me. We haven't been in a long time. She said no because she already made plans to go to a new church her daughter found. So I'm shot down again. She told me she doesn't know if this marriage will work because of the way her family sees me. She said she will not draw a line with them because the risk of them shunning her and holding grandkids back is too great. She said it's not worth the risk and it's not fair she should have to choose. It's been like this for almost four years now and I can't take anymore.
   So what I'm struggling with now is what does God expect me to do? Do I persuade her to come back when she's made it clear she is never going to confront her family or do anything to make amends for all the deception. She told me if I was a godly man I would just let it all go and never bring up the past but I can't trust someone who's notorious for lying and deceiving. I'm always questioning everything and there's no peace of mind or security in the marriage. I'm expected to be the leader in God's eyes but my hands are tied by her family and her deception. Theres nothing I can do to have a peaceful marriage unless i do things her and her family's way. Shes already filed for divorce and we have a hearing at the end of the month. This isn't what I wanted but is it maybe time to just let it go? Will God hold me responsible for the divorce? Does he expect me to just suck it up with her family and keep forgiving her when more lies come out and she shows no sign of remorse? Only sorry that she got caught. Im doing my best to honor God by committing myself to this marriage and keep trying but I'm absolutely clueless on how to make it work and I don't know if it's even worth it anymore.

Are you a glutton for punishment?

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Re: Should i pursue my wife to come back?
« Reply #3 on: Fri Jun 24, 2016 - 14:01:35 »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Should i pursue my wife to come back?
« Reply #4 on: Fri Jun 24, 2016 - 17:35:19 »
Would God honestly want anyone staying with an abusive spouse who is so violent that the police had to called twice?
 I would have been gone the first time that happened. just because you are male doesnt mean that you have to accept abuse.

  Unfortunately you have married a lady you knew very little about, she lied and deceived and married you under false pretenses it seems.
She is divorcing you, I wouldnt work hard at getting back with a a spouse who abused me, beat me, lied to me, and treated me like dirt.
« Last Edit: Fri Jun 24, 2016 - 17:39:04 by chosenone »

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Re: Should i pursue my wife to come back?
« Reply #4 on: Fri Jun 24, 2016 - 17:35:19 »