Author Topic: So I'm doing the marriage 180  (Read 907 times)

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Offline planetshaker

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So I'm doing the marriage 180
« on: Sun Oct 22, 2017 - 12:48:45 »
Been married for 9.5 years had it's ups and downs. We pretty much been roommates this whole year. I've been reading the 180 and watched youtube videos. I have read so much over the past months it's pretty much in my dna now. But it is ineffective if you are still under the same roof. My wife left last saturday (seperating) she gave me 2 weeks advance notice so i say it coming. I tried not to beg or plead stuff like that but I did write letters and talked but no avail. So I know deep down I still had a card to play with. So that saturday when she was getting clothes and leaving I just completely left for 6-7 hours finally I got back home and she was just getting in her car to leave. She said (well I guess I'm leaving) I was like ok i have to gets some gas for the lawn mower and i walk off.
This whole week since then I done absolute no contact. No text no calls no messages nothing. I would even get my mom to text her mom to make arrangements to see my daughter just to work around no contact. I've decided to do no contact indefinitely why? Well I feel she treated me poorly this whole year. Im no picnic myself but I really think and believe this no contact will work in my favor and put her in a disadvantage (not in a bad way). They say give it 3 weeks or longer then they will start to miss you and start to text you. They will see you as someone in control not a crazy stalker.
So i guess after thanksgiving if she contacts me first I will slowly try to reconcile. But i will not contact her first no matter if it takes forever. Plus i will wait 3 weeks to make any meaningful contact. So far 1 week in and I feel great I seem like I can get my act together. This 180 will make you a confident person not someone who is co-dependant on others. It does make a better you it's a good rule to go by.
I will give some updates in a few weeks just to see if the 180 is truely indeed a method to reconcile.

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So I'm doing the marriage 180
« on: Sun Oct 22, 2017 - 12:48:45 »

Offline chosenone

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Re: So I'm doing the marriage 180
« Reply #1 on: Sun Oct 22, 2017 - 15:10:27 »
I would say that its far better than begging or pleading.
As a Christian, what justification does she give for leaving you?

Offline planetshaker

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Re: So I'm doing the marriage 180
« Reply #2 on: Sun Oct 22, 2017 - 20:13:16 »
Reasons I would say a variety of things not one specific thing.

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Re: So I'm doing the marriage 180
« Reply #2 on: Sun Oct 22, 2017 - 20:13:16 »

Offline chosenone

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Re: So I'm doing the marriage 180
« Reply #3 on: Mon Oct 23, 2017 - 04:41:38 »
Has the pastor spoken to her about this? When my husbands former wife was divorcing him, the pastor sad that she had no biblical reason to be ending the marriage. She took no notice, but at least he tried.

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Re: So I'm doing the marriage 180
« Reply #3 on: Mon Oct 23, 2017 - 04:41:38 »

Offline planetshaker

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Re: So I'm doing the marriage 180
« Reply #4 on: Wed Oct 25, 2017 - 21:31:02 »
The worst thing a pastor can do is say you can't divorce unless you have such and such reason. Especially to the wife it's just bad psychology and the opposite will happen.
  So far 11 days in and I decided no contact at all for 22 days minimum. She be at church sunday doing child care I will plan just to do a quick visit say hey act positive be polite and leave all under 1 minute. When it comes to phone call or texts I will not be the first she will have to contact me first so it may be weeks or months. My plan is just baby steps act positive and polite. Agree with the divorce why??? I'm not going to convince her otherwise. This will just push her away I understand that people do reconsider their option.
  All I can do is be a better version of me and just let time to be on my side.

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Re: So I'm doing the marriage 180
« Reply #4 on: Wed Oct 25, 2017 - 21:31:02 »



Offline chosenone

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Re: So I'm doing the marriage 180
« Reply #5 on: Thu Oct 26, 2017 - 05:48:45 »
I think its good that some pastors are brave enough to remind their members what God days about things. If that makes them more likely to sin, then what does that say about their faith?

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Re: So I'm doing the marriage 180
« Reply #5 on: Thu Oct 26, 2017 - 05:48:45 »

Offline planetshaker

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Re: So I'm doing the marriage 180
« Reply #6 on: Sat Oct 28, 2017 - 18:03:52 »
Been 2 weeks nc just a couple of text today all i can say that just blindsides people like crazy. I will do another update in 1 week.

Offline Texas Conservative

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Re: So I'm doing the marriage 180
« Reply #7 on: Sat Oct 28, 2017 - 18:38:25 »
The worst thing a pastor can do is say you can't divorce unless you have such and such reason. Especially to the wife it's just bad psychology and the opposite will happen.
  So far 11 days in and I decided no contact at all for 22 days minimum. She be at church sunday doing child care I will plan just to do a quick visit say hey act positive be polite and leave all under 1 minute. When it comes to phone call or texts I will not be the first she will have to contact me first so it may be weeks or months. My plan is just baby steps act positive and polite. Agree with the divorce why??? I'm not going to convince her otherwise. This will just push her away I understand that people do reconsider their option.
  All I can do is be a better version of me and just let time to be on my side.

A woman like that shouldnt be doing church child care

Offline planetshaker

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Re: So I'm doing the marriage 180
« Reply #8 on: Sat Nov 04, 2017 - 10:53:09 »
3 weeks in so far update.....2 weeks zero contact last week little contact. Meet up for dinner talk about stuff it was kinda neutral maybe time will tell. Im really following the 180 by the letter. From my perspective it help me I'm more relax, calm, self discipline and able to think clearly. So if someone would ask me is the 180 the way to go and my reply is a big yes!! I think the best odds in saving a marriage is the 180. Now will it save my marriage I don't know yet time will tell. But I will still be off her radar as much as possible maybe someday she will reach out to me when she starts to miss me. This is the concept I just have to wait it out.


 

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Re: So I'm doing the marriage 180
« Reply #8 on: Sat Nov 04, 2017 - 10:53:09 »

Offline planetshaker

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Re: So I'm doing the marriage 180
« Reply #9 on: Wed Nov 15, 2017 - 19:51:40 »
Update my verdict: Almost 4..5 weeks in had big talk tonight about our future. But first my verdict on the 180 I would say an (A-) highly recommened it. Pros about the 180 that no one hardly mentions and I can see personally changes myself "self-discipline". By not reaching out during that time and staying focus on myself once you get to day 8,9,10 you mind gets out of a loop of the repetiveness. When you get to week it seems like your life hits a reset button. Sure your will have moments when negative thoughts "marriage conflicts" runs thru your mind but you really see yourself day by day not letting it consume ya. Less and less fustration as the days go by and more and more self-control. I think this is a plus.

   We had the big talk tonight so did the 180 work on her? It's really hard to pin point it. She seemed pretty sure she is done and thats it. But that is what I expected so I disn't go into panic mode just acted as calm as can be. I kinda probed her about us the future kinda got resistance at first but I slowly just paced myself with questions about us. Here's a few things that stuck out she told me the day before she left If I talked her into staying she might not of left. Second thing she seemed kinda open to casual hanging out. But I understand women they say their done but it's based on emotions not reality. I'm kinda a clever guy anyways and I know this stuff. Now you may think did the 180 make a diffence? well what would of happened if I pursue her too much daily "talking about the day she left till now" convince her, begged, pleaded, text, promise to change etc. Personally this has failure written all over it from the start. I really see this I guess odds from here on out 50/50. I really do believe things are not set in stone when someone says it's done. From here on out my stbx or maybe not stbx has plan A or plan B. Plan A is the road to divorce or plan B which is me. My plan isbto make plan B look more appealing without begging her to come back. Look confident, act confident, be cheerful, be helpful, etc. Slowly the tides will turn this is my game plan and if does end I be ok knowing I did my best course of action I could possibly take.

Offline onedirection

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Re: So I'm doing the marriage 180
« Reply #10 on: Wed Jul 11, 2018 - 07:11:27 »
Not sure if anyone is still reading this thread, but I did a lot of reading on the 180 and I don't think it applies to my situation, so I would say use it carefully.

I tried doing this for a little while in my marriage where my wife says she loves me, but is not in love, and it fails miserably.

The difference for me is that my wife won't leave me. She stays here and takes care of me and the house and the kids, but is horribly confused as to why she doesn't want to have sex.

So I'm trying 5 languages of love instead, to try to break down her walls and fill her love tank. Eventually I hope she will start accepting deposits.

Offline thedrumchannell

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Re: So I'm doing the marriage 180
« Reply #11 on: Wed Jul 11, 2018 - 18:43:30 »
It sounds like you are really trying to work on being a better version of yourself. I hope everything works out for you and that your wife is able to eventually see over the walls between the both of you.

 

     
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