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Author Topic: Struggling. I can't take this insanity!  (Read 1778 times)

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Offline Missme22

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Struggling. I can't take this insanity!
« on: August 28, 2011, 08:08:51 PM »
Hi everyone. I'm new here. I've been married for 11 years. One child. He's 5.  My husband and i have been struggling for a long time. We've had short separations. We have just recently been in couples counseling.  The latest problem.. That could send us over the edge.  We are moving. Our landlord turned into a nut. Major legal battle to prevent a lawsuit.  I had to handle it all. I work a schedule that allows me to be more flexible in the afternoon. He works 10 to 7. I had to find the attorney, deal with the attorney .. Call husband to inform him of latest developments/negotiations.. Etc  he never once got involved. (a theme i'n our marriage). I asked him to help. He said he couldn't because of his work schedule. Something i just don't understand... Anyway. I solved it. Found us a new home to lease. He couldn't even manage to break away to see the house before i applied for it.  Then i negotiated the lease. He approved etc. 

So now that we have this new lease i learned that i may be getting a promotion out of state. My interview is next week. I called to make sure we could sublet etc. Well i asked my hubby if he put in any calls or emails to see if ge could round up a job. He said no.  We are in the same field.  He asked me to try to get him a job at the same place while I'm on interview. I have dine this in the past.  I told him the only way we could decide if we should move is if... He had job prospects too. I am the breadwinner but his salary would definitely matter. He just hasn't done it.

Then .. As we prepare to move across town.. He and i agreed that this was not a good time to bring his father to visit. He's from out of town. He didn't listen. He had him come anyway..despite the fact we need to ge packing. He decided to leave me home all weekend to pack while they go hang out. He then had the nerve to come home and correct the way i packed. He didn't think i used the right boxes for different items. I told him i didn't appreciate it. He said basically ... Too bad.  He said that's just how he felt...

I'm at my witts end. Please tell me if i should continue in this marriage. I'm about done. I'm so resentful.

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Struggling. I can't take this insanity!
« on: August 28, 2011, 08:08:51 PM »

Offline IAMOK

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Re: Struggling. I can't take this insanity!
« Reply #1 on: August 28, 2011, 10:57:26 PM »
Doesn't sound like couples counseling did much... Sorry for your pain..
In my mind there is nothing more disgusting than a lazy male.. One not willing to take on his role to lead his family,take care of the finances, bill paying etc. Make key decisions and be involved when you help...Has he ever? maybe he's depressed. If no I would consider letting him take care of business..If you take care of everything he will get lazy.. You would have to be willing to see if he will rise to the occasion or crash. It may be a mess but I wouldn't hold his hand for sure..My wife does a lot for us but I do also. How would he like to live on the street? Maybe reality would clear his head.. He also may be angry at you and so not doing anything is a way to get back.. I don't know..
That's my opinion force lazy men not to be lazy..

Also this whole job thing, what would Jesus do? Money is important but!!  Family first.

IAMOK

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Re: Struggling. I can't take this insanity!
« Reply #1 on: August 28, 2011, 10:57:26 PM »

Offline Missme22

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Re: Struggling. I can't take this insanity!
« Reply #2 on: August 29, 2011, 03:51:14 AM »
thank you for your reply.   I have definitely tried to let him to sink or swim.  It didn't exactly go well.  We ended up in about 50 thousand dollars of debt.  So I have a very hard time letting us go down that road again.  It's awful.  I will be paying that debt for a very long time.

The issue with the job....taking the new job IS about family.  It's near both of our families.  We currently live very far from our family.   It actually would be a 50 percent pay cut for me.  But,  it's a promotion because my company knew I always wanted to get "back home".   My husband makes about a quarter of what I do...so my family has always seen him as someone who hangs on because I have a very good lifestyle to provide.   Well,  he was ALL for this move closer to family - until he found out that it was pay cut.   He's now asking...why don't we just stay here?

He did spend some time packing boxes last night after I went to bed.  That's good...but I honestly have to get really mad or threaten to leave to get him to take action.  He' the kind of guy who LITERALLY hides when there's danger.  I was walking out of the house very early one morning (dark) and I saw a suspicious car.  I went in and woke him up.  He literally hid and made me walk to the car alone.   That's the kinda guy he is...

I just don't know if I can take it anymore.  I just feel that i'm too resentful....what would YOU do?

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Re: Struggling. I can't take this insanity!
« Reply #2 on: August 29, 2011, 03:51:14 AM »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Struggling. I can't take this insanity!
« Reply #3 on: August 29, 2011, 04:52:52 AM »
Can you afford to take a job with a 50% pay cut?. It seems such a lot of money. Is it a promotion if you are only going to be earning half of what you do now?. I thought that promotion meant more money?
 Even though he earns less than you, he still works full time, so dont ever say anything to him about you being the bread winner(which you have said here). You are both working full time and who earns what isnt important.
Has your husband always been like this, because if he has then, you did marry him knowing what he was like.  Has he other good qualities that led you to marry him?Thank God for them and pray for the other things. To be honest you have no Biblical reason to  think about leaving.
I recommend the book called 'The Power of a praying wife' by Stormie Omartian. Pray those prayers over him every day. Ask God to take away the resentment and bitterness and forgive your husband. Praise the good things about him, respect him as your husband, and pray for the things that you dont like. Dont try and change him yourself because it wont work.
« Last Edit: August 29, 2011, 05:00:45 AM by chosenone »

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Re: Struggling. I can't take this insanity!
« Reply #3 on: August 29, 2011, 04:52:52 AM »

Offline Missme22

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Re: Struggling. I can't take this insanity!
« Reply #4 on: August 29, 2011, 05:12:24 AM »
My husband hasn't always been this bad. He is definitely growing into a different person. 

I have seen the responsibility of being a dad and husband get to him. He's threatened suicide before ... Totally manipulative .. And got violent in the last year. He has gone to therapy for it. I haven't seen any additional signs of violence since he began therapy.  But it's very hard to deal with the resentment.

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Re: Struggling. I can't take this insanity!
« Reply #4 on: August 29, 2011, 05:12:24 AM »



Offline anx

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Re: Struggling. I can't take this insanity!
« Reply #5 on: August 29, 2011, 07:31:17 AM »
He needs counseling and the marriage counseling will take time. The suggestion I have for both is you need an experienced christian counselor or you won't get anywhere. Shopping for a counselor is more important than a car. It will have a far bigger impact on money and time spent.

He is probably either depressed or anxious. They go together a lot and I have a history of both. The only reason i've gotten out of bed or not threatened suicide is because I know what I need to do and know it's not healthy behavior. It's totally overwhelming if you don't have control of it. Marriage is unfortunately a poor place to fix it.

I agree 100% with chosenone.

As a man who has totally changed his perspective, it often takes a make or break moment. For me it was separation and counseling. If it's possible to do without separation, do it. I know you have already done a separation.

I wish I had more wisdom on this. Really, only God and your husband can fix this. If you are not on your knees praying hard, then I doubt there will be a significant change. Stuff like this brings us to our knees and in total reliance on God where we should have been before this all happened. God's ways and thoughts are not our own. There may be a great blessing in your future that comes from this.

You can however show tough love like you would to a child acting like this (your husband is acting like a child).

The resentment can and will fade if stuff gets fixed. I know you are close to done, but a year or two from now you may not even remember the resentment.

Lastly, I have to suggest you read "sacred marriage". To me it totally changed my perspective on my life and marriage. Your husband is a broken child of God. You need to protect and lift him up out of this if you can. If he wakes up, he will truly appreciate your long suffering love.

Blessings. Pray hard. Read James and 1 Peter if you haven't recently. They are short.

Two verses to leave you with.

Proverbs 3:5-6 (read the whole chapter)
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.

2 Peter 3:8-9
8 But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. 9 The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.

unfortunately, it may take another year for your husband to wake up, and you might have to suffer through that. However, hold tight to biblical principals, and God will bless you. Your husband needs to wake up to repentance and you are his direct witness. You might have to be a rock while the world washes over him and overwhelms him. You sounds like a strong (although currently overwhelmed) and capable woman. You can do its.

Edit: nevermind, your inbox if full.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/28011-apathetic-husband-too-long.html
I consider dedicated2her a friend and was previously the man your husband was. Powerbane is also a good christian man.
I like those forums because its where I started, but I have since learned that much of the secular advise is wrong or contains hints of truth surrounded by selfishness. However, the forums get a lot of traffic. You could probably find 20 stories very similar to your own if you dug enough.
« Last Edit: August 29, 2011, 07:52:00 AM by anx »

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Re: Struggling. I can't take this insanity!
« Reply #5 on: August 29, 2011, 07:31:17 AM »

Offline anx

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Re: Struggling. I can't take this insanity!
« Reply #6 on: August 29, 2011, 08:00:24 AM »
one final thought. Your husband doesn't deserve another chance and the world will clearly tell you this. However, we never deserved a chance from God. You will need to learn christlike love in this time. Love that loves despite being pushed aside.

agope love (from wikipedia) - Many have thought that this word represents divine, unconditional, self-sacrificing, active, volitional, and thoughtful love.

Matthew 6

 
Quote
  9 “This, then, is how you should pray:

   “‘Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
10 your kingdom come,
your will be done,
   on earth as it is in heaven.
11 Give us today our daily bread.
12 And forgive us our debts,
   as we also have forgiven our debtors.
13 And lead us not into temptation,[a]
   but deliver us from the evil one.

   14 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

To make your marriage work, you will need to learn superhuman, divine forgiveness and love.

Offline Missme22

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Re: Struggling. I can't take this insanity!
« Reply #7 on: August 29, 2011, 08:08:40 AM »
Thank you - I will definitely read those scriptures and forums.  I think what scares me most about my husband (and myself) is that I have seen myself turning into a person I would NEVER be.  I used to be so close to my family.  But, he really spent a great deal of time pointing out all of their weaknesses.  It caused me to push them away.  Then, a family member passed away and he suggested I SUE my own mother for money.  I actually considered it for about a day - and I finally got my witts back.  Thank goodness - I didn't.  But,  he does not act in the most ethical way.  When I turn to him to advice - i'm scared.  I feel like I don't even know myself anymore.

Don't get me wrong - I'm NOT perfect.  But,  he makes so many weird decisions.  He wanted money from his dad - even though his family is far worse off than we are...  I make more than a quarter of a million a year.  His parents are both old - and working.  He wanted 15k from them despite the fact that he knew they didn't have cash to spare.  So, he went behind my back and asked for it.  And he took it!  This despite my concerns.  Then,  the following time they visited they didn't leave any cash behind (they usually do -because they are nice).  I told him that was a sign that he should NOT have taken that money from them.  Instead of feeling bad,  he called them and said "yuo didn't leave any money this time, is everything ok".    He just doesn't understand... 

I just don't want to turn into a different person...  I just can't trust his judgement..on all things.. 

Offline anx

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Re: Struggling. I can't take this insanity!
« Reply #8 on: August 29, 2011, 08:51:18 AM »
A few more quick things.  This reminded me a lot of this story that really stuck in my head a long time. I think you have a lot of similarities with this story. It doesn't sound like the physical stuff, but stupid money choices,  you making far more money, and a husband who is equally afraid.

www.gracecentered.com/christian_forums/christian-marriage-forum/is-this-abuse/

Also, you need to not make your husbands sin your own. Keep Christ centered and you can weather this. Without that, you will grow bad habits like you said.

Blessings.
« Last Edit: August 29, 2011, 08:58:27 AM by anx »

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Re: Struggling. I can't take this insanity!
« Reply #8 on: August 29, 2011, 08:51:18 AM »

Offline Missme22

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Re: Struggling. I can't take this insanity!
« Reply #9 on: August 29, 2011, 09:46:49 AM »
Thank you very much for your posts.  I will definitely read through the scriptures and forums you suggested.

I'm praying for guidance, as well. 

Offline IAMOK

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Re: Struggling. I can't take this insanity!
« Reply #10 on: August 29, 2011, 09:25:17 PM »
After reading your last posts it looks like your husband is not in touch with reality..Couple that with feeling entitled and Really low self worth you have possibly a real problem on your hands that usually gets worse with age. A counselor who works with LSW people might be able to help. Most counselors don't have a clue. They want to change your behavior without changing how you view the world..Sounds to me like something didn't go right in the early years for him to be in this state. I understand how you feel.. You need to take care of yourself. Don't waver in your decisions about right and wrong. Don't lose touch with who you are and what you stand for.
Do some research on borderline and NPD.
Pray! it will help you to keep a Godly attitude and keep you focuse

God bless

What would I do? Pray. The tough love thing won't work for him. You are correct.

IAMOK

Offline anx

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Re: Struggling. I can't take this insanity!
« Reply #11 on: August 30, 2011, 05:40:05 AM »
I've been thinking hard about the similarities between your story and the one I linked from this forum. They are just too similar, and I very much wonder if that has to do with the income gaps in both of your stories. Both of you women mad about 4x the amount your husband made,  AND both of the stores had husbands and wife's working at the same company.

I know for me, that would be deeply emasculating. Unless I was strongly fixed to God and boundaries in marriage where clear that I was still the head of the household and responsible for the family, I think many men would fall in the trap your husband and the other stories husband fell into. Would you say your husband is a leader in your household and if something came up, you might defer to him? (I pretty much know the answer is no,  especially now that he is acting so childish)

If this is a big part of your issue,  which I strongly think it might be, the solution would be some how your husband gains the leadership role in the household instead of the mess he is now.

Being a man is both simple and complex. The simple part is you have a strong single minded drive, a body that can withstand a beating, and fewer emotions to get in the way of getting the job done. The complex part is learning how to love your wife the way Christ loved the church, control your anger and lust, dealing with being the last vestage of hope between a family making it or failing.

Does this make any sense? Does it ring any bells that you are a successful woman and your husband doesn't have any drive left and has been emasculated? Do you ever submit to your husband? If not, he probably feels like the only thing he is good for is some chores and sperm. That would be a mind bender for me. I couldn't cope with that. Especially if you guys are done having kids and he has had a vasectomy. Then all he is good for is chores, but so often a man's cleaning standards are lower than a woman's. He may be feeling like he isn't good for anything, and he has just left selfishness, self pity, and fear replace what should been his Godly defined role of manliness and masculine qualities. Thinking about the other stories I linked (dedicated2her and powerbane)  both very much woke up and became the driven Godly men they were formed to be. When everything hit the fan in their marriage, they stepped up to the plate and manned up. They did the hard introspective work needed to be a man of God. A leader, provider, a self sacrificer, the mansuline qualities of God the best way they could.

The flip side of that is you would need to focus on and provide the feminine qualities of God that has been placed in women of this world. A mind and eye for family, the home, care, perception of emotion and what is good and bad for the health of children and the family as a whole. My wife perceives things I never could. She is deeply effected by the state of the home(and if the dishes are done - lol). She is built by God with qualities I could never possess.

Those qualities are not interchangeable. Marriage was designed by God, and a man and woman can not swap roles. I don't think it's impossible to make it work if the wife makes significantly more money, but it's dangerous to start taking those roles. It's probably a quick slope to the mess you're in now.

Finally, to ask yourself, what qualities do you have and what qualities does(or did) your husband have?  What Godly qualities do you both bring or did you bring when your relationship was good?

Blessings

Edit: you wrote that "I just can't trust his judgement..on all things..". He knows that. He can sense it. If you guys are done having kids and particularly if he has had a vasectomy, there is no purpose in his life. I got a Chinese fortune cookie this week that said "a man without aim is like a click without hands, as useless if it turns as if it stands". I know it sounds sacreligious, but God has spoken to me several times with a fortune cookie. He has confirmed my thoughts, prayers, and direction.

God is a better counselor than any on this earth. When I have truly opened myself up to him, he has shown me that path clearly. Although it can still take a long time to fix, it took a long time to break. This can be fixed with the help of God.

Your husband simply has no purpose in this world right now, and he can only find that in God. He doesn't provide, he isn't respected by his wife, his judgements aren't trusted, etc. Build that up over 10 years, and any man will feel like a waste of space if not directed by God.
« Last Edit: August 30, 2011, 07:26:31 AM by anx »

Offline Missme22

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Re: Struggling. I can't take this insanity!
« Reply #12 on: August 30, 2011, 07:56:52 AM »
I don't believe the financial aspect/my earnings are causing our problems. And I think it's pretty dangerous to suggest that I become more feminine to repair our marriage. I am quite feminine in my manners around the household.  But I think it's sexist to say I should do more housework and my salary may be the slippery slope to the mess I'm in. I am very grateful for the talents God has given me and I will never apologize for them.  I always made more money than my husband ... Even when we were dating. If anything ... I think he was DRAWN to that. 

And no, he has not had a vasectomy. In fact I have wanted more kids... But have waited until our marriage problems resolved.

Offline anx

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Re: Struggling. I can't take this insanity!
« Reply #13 on: August 30, 2011, 08:48:07 AM »
Sorry, I think did over step in my post, and certainly worded it wrong. I still think there is some truth in it. I think it's great you are a capable and strong woman who can make a lot of money. I would find that very disarming and if not Christ centered, I would deal with it wrong.

Again, sorry for the miswording, but don't be too quick to discount all of it.

I think it's clear your husband needs to grow up into a man of God and not what he has become. Until that happens, no amount of counseling will matter. Even if he changes specific behaviors and whatever else, he needs to become a man of Godly characteristics (a man after God's heart)  before you two can be happy.

Edit: I certainly did not mean that you need to do more of the household chores. I do most of those in my own story and really don't care about them at all. I do them because they have a huge impact on my wife's happiness and peace. I barely notice a messy house, but it drives her nuts. She will be far more conscious and perceptive of it.

You making more money is a slope for your husband into self pity and a lack of purpose. It is in fact his responsibility to deal with it a healthy way. Many men struggle with lust, rage, or whatever else due to their situations. Your marriage is just prone to a man without a purpose. He needs to find a purpose and drive and Godly, masculine, christlike characteristics.

In the feminine part, I am saying the qualities that both partners bring are unique. If your husband loses his good qualities, that's a very bad thing. I'm just saying be mindful of masculine vs feminine roles and qualities. It sounds like you are very capable of running the house,being a good mom, and paying the bills (although you want your husband to be a better man in all of that work). What unique and special quality does your husband bring to all of this to complete you as a couple?  There may not be anything right now. What did it used to be?

Nothing was meant as sexist. God defined our roles in marriage since Adam and Eve. Absolutely there is wiggle room for different skills and abilities. There is a possible balance in your marriage, but currently your husband isn't living up to where he needs to be. When or if he does grow up, what role will he fill?

Lastly, my wife was drawn to the fact that I can have a persistent, direct personally. She has a lot harder of a time making important decisions. However, that dynamic in my relationship went way off balance. 

My wife also makes more money than I do (after benefits and transit costs it about even)  and its hard for me to think about. If my wife made 4x what I did, I personally wouldn't deal with it well. Yes the money would be great and something that draws while dating, but at the same time hard to reconcile with being masculine(in my mind and probably your husbands.)
« Last Edit: August 30, 2011, 06:42:24 PM by anx »