Author Topic: Struggling in my marriage  (Read 4910 times)

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Offline conflictedwife

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Struggling in my marriage
« on: Sun May 07, 2017 - 22:06:59 »
I'm new here and will try to be as brief as possible because I could write a book on everything that has gone wrong in my marriage. 

My husband and I are currently living 3000 miles apart.  We didn't not split up, he left to go find work and take care of his elderly mother, but our marriage was on the rocks when he left.  My husband has struggled with keeping a job since we married 10 years ago.  Ours was a long distance relationship and we both had our own businesses when we met.  His was mobile, mine was not, so he moved here to be with me.  I maintained consistency at job, he did not.  He blamed his inconsistency of work on being in a new state, and my lack of support but I tried many times to give him support financially and physically while still running a full time business and doing 90% of the home upkeep.  After awhile he just got lazy and spent much of his time in front of the TV, claiming to be depressed.  I encouraged him for years to go elsewhere and build a life for us and I would come, but explained I couldn't just up and leave our only income and go somewhere that neither of us had jobs.

So now we have been apart for 6 weeks and he is trying to make me feel guilty for not dumping everything here and moving to be with him.  He has started going to church again and wants us to build a life there but he has not yet found a job and is trying to convince me to sell our house (which was mine before we met and married) and give him some of the money to start a new business.  I have explained the equity in our home is for another home, not a business, and that I had given him lots of money in the past from my business, and my credit cards, to start various businesses that didn't work out and that money was never paid back.  I feel used and he doesn't see that.  He comes from a good Christian family, his late father was a pastor, but he is an only child and was given everything he wanted so he doesn't understand the word "no".  His mother has given him her life savings because he asked for it and he has nothing to show for it.  She blames his ADHD for him not being able to stick with things and then keeps helping him out. 

I've held firm to my stance of not moving there until he can prove he can support us.  I have no problem working but I refuse to move there and support him like I did here.  He says a husband and wife are to be together, and I agree, but I feel like he should be taking the lead and make sure he has things in good order before I come to be with him.  He continues to try and make me feel like the bad guy and tells me I don't have faith in God to take care of us.  He says if I was a real Christian I would move there and have faith and believe everything would work out.  He says I should be a godly wife and be by his side and work with him to establish a life there.  He tells me he made lots of mistakes but he has changed, that God has shown him this is where we are supposed to be, but he isn't willing to show me, just wants me to believe.  I hope and pray God is making positive changes in him but I feel I need to see proof of that before I leave everything I have here.  If this is where God wants us and has a ministry there for him/us then shouldn't he be willing to be patient and wait to bring me there when he is able to support us?


Offline chosenone

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Re: Struggling in my marriage
« Reply #1 on: Sun May 07, 2017 - 22:24:05 »
Have you prayed about this? What do you feel God is saying? Have you asked anyone in your church for godly advise?

From what you have said I would be very cautious. He really needs to be in a permanent job and not have more ideas of a business, which haven't worked out before. As for your home, you would be very unwise to sell it and give some of the the money to him for another venture, when his past ventures have all flopped. You could end up homeless. He has had a very bad track record of losing and wasting money and his mum hasn't helped at all, she has enabled it and just made excuses for his unwise and immature behaviour.

Also as it happens, his manipulation of you by using your faith IE 'If you were a good Christian wife' or 'if you were a real Christian' etc when he is the one who has left you, is very wrong and very controlling. 

To expect that he gets a full time permanent job before you go is not at all unreasonable. To expect that he then finds a place for you both to live till you move there and can sell your home is very reasonable. In your place I would want to see him in that job for a good period of time first. Does he live with his mum? Does he expect you to do the same? All things that need to be discussed.
 
On the other hand if there are no other family members to help his mum, can he bring his mum to live near you?  Its all very well saying that God will provide, but God expects him to get a job. One that he will stick with. God expects him to grow up and take responsibility for himself. To work and find a place to rent till you move there. Set up a home.

 

« Last Edit: Sun May 07, 2017 - 22:44:27 by chosenone »

Offline conflictedwife

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Re: Struggling in my marriage
« Reply #2 on: Mon May 08, 2017 - 00:08:53 »
Yes i have prayed about it and im not sure what im being led to do. But every time i start to entertain the idea of selling my house to move there and be with him my gut tells me not to do it. I havent spoken to many people about this situation but a couple of my Christian girl friends have said they think im wise to wait and see what happnens for him there before i make any decisions.

Unfortunately, my husband has had no luck working for anyone but himself. He is not a team player and has had over 50 jobs in the past 10 years here. He was fired from a few and quit the rest. He has excuses for all of them and if i dare try and suggest he has a problem he says im not supportive of him and i always take everybody elses side. He is convinced God is leading him to start a particular business there and keeps telling me how good he will do and that he isnt going to work for anyone but himself.

His mother has refused to move here but if she did she would have to live with us because she has no money and its very expensive in the area where i live. And since he hasnt been able to hold a job here i would probably end up taking care of both of them. If i moved there i would have the equity in my home to buy a place for us to live,  we would not live with his mom. He has also told me he is now where he is supposed to be, where his calling is. He says nothing worked out for him here because its not where God wants him to be. So he isnt moving back here, and i wont try and convince him.

I feel used and manipulated and when I read what ive written here i feel stupid. But he is my husband and i continue to pray for him and hope God will work in him and show him what he needs to do. Its just hard when he is making me seem like the bad wife because i wont do what he tells me to do.

Offline chosenone

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Re: Struggling in my marriage
« Reply #3 on: Mon May 08, 2017 - 07:03:06 »
Yes i have prayed about it and im not sure what im being led to do. But every time i start to entertain the idea of selling my house to move there and be with him my gut tells me not to do it. I havent spoken to many people about this situation but a couple of my Christian girl friends have said they think im wise to wait and see what happnens for him there before i make any decisions.

Unfortunately, my husband has had no luck working for anyone but himself. He is not a team player and has had over 50 jobs in the past 10 years here. He was fired from a few and quit the rest. He has excuses for all of them and if i dare try and suggest he has a problem he says im not supportive of him and i always take everybody elses side. He is convinced God is leading him to start a particular business there and keeps telling me how good he will do and that he isnt going to work for anyone but himself.

His mother has refused to move here but if she did she would have to live with us because she has no money and its very expensive in the area where i live. And since he hasnt been able to hold a job here i would probably end up taking care of both of them. If i moved there i would have the equity in my home to buy a place for us to live,  we would not live with his mom. He has also told me he is now where he is supposed to be, where his calling is. He says nothing worked out for him here because its not where God wants him to be. So he isnt moving back here, and i wont try and convince him.

I feel used and manipulated and when I read what ive written here i feel stupid. But he is my husband and i continue to pray for him and hope God will work in him and show him what he needs to do. Its just hard when he is making me seem like the bad wife because i wont do what he tells me to do.

Lack of peace is a thing that God uses a lot with me. If you have a lack of peace then wait.
Your husband has massive issues with work, many have to work in jobs they don't like and stick with them because they have bills to pay and families to support. He also has massive issues with money, he has lost such a lot over the years from you and his mother. Because his mother has enabled him he has never had to be responsible and work hard and stick with a job, and that's very concerning for a man. There are plenty of jobs that he can do that don't involve having to work with others all day, such as a mail man, lorry driver etc. He needs to get a job to save up some money to start his business if that is what he wants.

If he is sure its Gods will for him to stay there and do that, then God will give him the means to do that without you having to sell you home and give him even more money.
 I am usually a person to advocate sharing everything including money money in a marriage, but when one spouse is so irresponsible with money and jobs, you could end up with no money, no home and no income and having to live with his mother. 

In your place I would suggest that he gets his business going,  and once he has a steady income and it's established you will sell your home and come and join him. In the mean time you can visit him when you are able. Maybe give it 6 months and see where he is then. If nothing has changed in that time, and he still has no income and no job, then I think it would be foolish to throw away your business/income and home. WHat would you live on? If he says he wont work for someone else, that's his choice, just as its yours to stay out until things have changed.

Its also possible that his mum has put pressure on him to stay, but he is being very manipulative considering his bad track record.

Would you mind if I asked you some questions?
Was he living with his mum when you met? How old is he? Has he ever supported himself and been independent ever? Has he been married before? 

Him saying that nothing has worked out there because its not where God wants him to be is nonsense. Things haven't worked out because of his workshy attitude and the way he uses other peoples money and just looses it.
« Last Edit: Mon May 08, 2017 - 07:24:46 by chosenone »

Offline lovingladyo

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Re: Struggling in my marriage
« Reply #4 on: Mon May 08, 2017 - 08:11:43 »
It's not my place to even attempt to tell you what to do, but I will say that by what you shared here, there are some obvious patterns that your husband has chosen to stay stuck in all these years. Somewhere along the way he learned that others will bail him out when he decides to give up or give in. He may be aware of his instability and it's possible the only way he can cover it up is by making you feel guilty, which is a form of manipulation, which is a form of control.

I think it's wise to give credit where credit is due, and perhaps your husband has changed since he started attending church. But you deserve to see the fruit of his words, and the fruit of change before you can begin to invest your trust in him. That is just my own personal opinion.

His views on what a marriage looks like are acceptable but the other factors that come into play are his emotional, mental, and spiritual convictions of his own responsibilities. He can't be taking the speck out of your eye until he removes the plank out of his own.

If it were me, and again, I am not walking in your shoes, I would need to see him act like a man and take responsibility for his actions. Enabling him to otherwise will take you both down. I would need to see the visible fruit of a changed heart before I would relinquish my assets and trust.

If you are not sure of what decision to make, don't make one yet. God might be doing a work inside your husband and only time will tell. If he keeps using the guilt trip to manipulate you, then I would interpret that as him saying he's not ready to step up to the plate and reverse these patterns of getting what he wants.

I will be praying for you friend as you seek God to tell you what to do.

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Re: Struggling in my marriage
« Reply #4 on: Mon May 08, 2017 - 08:11:43 »

Offline conflictedwife

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Re: Struggling in my marriage
« Reply #5 on: Mon May 08, 2017 - 12:13:49 »
Would you mind if I asked you some questions?
Was he living with his mum when you met? How old is he? Has he ever supported himself and been independent ever? Has he been married before? 

I don't mind answering your questions at all.  His parents were living with him when we met.  They had been there helping him raise his kids since their mother, his first wife, was in prison.  He and his dad worked together, his mother did office work for the business that my husband owned and told me he took responsibility for the bills for the whole family.  My husband was 46 when we met, 56 now.  He has all kinds of success stories of businesses/jobs he has had but has excuses why he was never able to hold on to the money he made.  Mostly he blames himself for being irresponsible and wasting it but he also blames ex-wives, which brings me to your next question.  He was married twice before I met him.  His first wife, mother of his boys, left him to marry another man.  She was into drugs and alcohol and subsequently ended up in prison so he raised the kids alone, with his parents help as they were always close by.  It seems that there was a strange mix of independence and dependence with his parents.  He is outgoing and independent in a lot of ways but when he needed money, or some kind of help he would expect them to be there for him.  Since he was an only child they didn't have others to focus on so they did everything for him, including bail him out of any trouble he got into, starting when he was a teen.

I take the responsibility for not knowing enough before we married, but I believed what he told me when he painted a nice picture of his life and his family.  Being that it was a long distance relationship I never really got to know his family and situation as well as I should have.  Over the years his parents would let little tidbits of information slip out and that is how I learned that his parents had enabled him so much.  I also have witnessed his behavior towards them (his father is now deceased) in that when he asked them to jump they would ask how high?  Basically he had them wrapped around his little finger his whole life.  It's hard for me to not be angry with them for all the enabling they have done.  They created a monster but his mother doesn't see that.  She not only has given him everything she has but is now borrowing from friends to help him out.  He still has big expenses related to his most recent business yet he isn't working to pay them and just expecting others to do so.  I have completely cut him off financially, because I refuse to enable him any further and because I'm flat broke.  He ran up a lot of debt in my name so I'm responsible for paying that, along with everything else at our home.  Again, I take the blame for that and will be responsible for paying the debt, even though it wasn't me who ran it up.  But he should be working and sending me money, and paying off his other debts, so it feels very unfair to me.

I agree with what both you and lovingladyo said, that I need to just wait on God, don't make any decisions while I don't feel at peace about them.  If I sell my house (which needs a lot of repairs which adds to my stress) I could pay off all my debt and have enough money to pay cash for a home in the area he is in now with his mother.  I also own the home she lives in but it isn't worth much and of course she needs a place to live so I would never sell it out from under her.  It's tempting to go there and be debt free but unless he has changed he will just cause me more financial problems in the future and I will end up being the one having to find a new job and work full time to pay all the living expenses.

I have felt alone for so long and it's so hard when he continues to point the finger at me and say it's my fear that is keeping us from moving forward and having a good life.  I call it good sense, or maybe fear that he will completely ruin us if I continue to do it his way.  I'm just so tired of him blaming me for our troubles and he and his mother acting so superior when they say they trust God to take care of them, like I don't because I refuse to leave my secure life to come be with a man who is irresponsible and unstable.
« Last Edit: Mon May 08, 2017 - 12:23:01 by conflictedwife »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Struggling in my marriage
« Reply #6 on: Mon May 08, 2017 - 13:13:08 »
Would you mind if I asked you some questions?
Was he living with his mum when you met? How old is he? Has he ever supported himself and been independent ever? Has he been married before? 

I don't mind answering your questions at all.  His parents were living with him when we met.  They had been there helping him raise his kids since their mother, his first wife, was in prison.  He and his dad worked together, his mother did office work for the business that my husband owned and told me he took responsibility for the bills for the whole family.  My husband was 46 when we met, 56 now.  He has all kinds of success stories of businesses/jobs he has had but has excuses why he was never able to hold on to the money he made.  Mostly he blames himself for being irresponsible and wasting it but he also blames ex-wives, which brings me to your next question.  He was married twice before I met him.  His first wife, mother of his boys, left him to marry another man.  She was into drugs and alcohol and subsequently ended up in prison so he raised the kids alone, with his parents help as they were always close by.  It seems that there was a strange mix of independence and dependence with his parents.  He is outgoing and independent in a lot of ways but when he needed money, or some kind of help he would expect them to be there for him.  Since he was an only child they didn't have others to focus on so they did everything for him, including bail him out of any trouble he got into, starting when he was a teen.

I take the responsibility for not knowing enough before we married, but I believed what he told me when he painted a nice picture of his life and his family.  Being that it was a long distance relationship I never really got to know his family and situation as well as I should have.  Over the years his parents would let little tidbits of information slip out and that is how I learned that his parents had enabled him so much.  I also have witnessed his behavior towards them (his father is now deceased) in that when he asked them to jump they would ask how high?  Basically he had them wrapped around his little finger his whole life.  It's hard for me to not be angry with them for all the enabling they have done.  They created a monster but his mother doesn't see that.  She not only has given him everything she has but is now borrowing from friends to help him out.  He still has big expenses related to his most recent business yet he isn't working to pay them and just expecting others to do so.  I have completely cut him off financially, because I refuse to enable him any further and because I'm flat broke.  He ran up a lot of debt in my name so I'm responsible for paying that, along with everything else at our home.  Again, I take the blame for that and will be responsible for paying the debt, even though it wasn't me who ran it up.  But he should be working and sending me money, and paying off his other debts, so it feels very unfair to me.

I agree with what both you and lovingladyo said, that I need to just wait on God, don't make any decisions while I don't feel at peace about them.  If I sell my house (which needs a lot of repairs which adds to my stress) I could pay off all my debt and have enough money to pay cash for a home in the area he is in now with his mother.  I also own the home she lives in but it isn't worth much and of course she needs a place to live so I would never sell it out from under her.  It's tempting to go there and be debt free but unless he has changed he will just cause me more financial problems in the future and I will end up being the one having to find a new job and work full time to pay all the living expenses.

I have felt alone for so long and it's so hard when he continues to point the finger at me and say it's my fear that is keeping us from moving forward and having a good life.  I call it good sense, or maybe fear that he will completely ruin us if I continue to do it his way.  I'm just so tired of him blaming me for our troubles and he and his mother acting so superior when they say they trust God to take care of them, like I don't because I refuse to leave my secure life to come be with a man who is irresponsible and unstable.
 


 OK so basically his life has been a mess of failed marriages, debt and sponging off others. At the same time, controlling his parents who have enabled his immature behaviour, spoilt him and never stood up to him or made him grow up. Neither have the apron strings been cut.
They claim they are trusting God, but actually they have been living off you and your generosity.
Even his mum's house is yours.  ::eek:: Where did she live before ???

I agree with you that you didn't get to know him well enough before you married him because there are so many red flags here.
He should be responsible for the debts he has left you with, not you. He appears to have used you for your money in the past and now wants to use some of the money from your own home for yet another attempt to start a business. What if that again fails? After all he had a very back track record.

He has only been gone for 6 weeks, claims that in those 6 weeks he has been going to church and really changed. Really? I doubt it. The fact that he and his mum are guilt tripping you and manipulating you shows that he hasn't changed a bit.
I would suggest that he shows you he has changed by a) getting a job, b) by paying off all the debts he has left you with and c) stops taking money from his mum. Cant believe that she is borrowing money off her friends to give to him, how will she pay them back???Once he has done those things, stuck to a job, paid you back  then maybe you could consider moving there. I wonder how he will react if you made those requests Or if you told him that there is no way that you will give him any more money, from the home or anywhere else. Honestly he has used you big time, just as he used his parents all these years.

My concern is that you will sell your home, give him loads of money, and not even have enough to buy a  home. You will also be moving there and have no income. End up stuck in a place you don't know with no job and no money.

My advise is again to wait on God, and to give it another 6-12 months and see what happens. If nothing changes and he has made no effort to work or pay any of his debts off, then you will have your answer. God knows the future and will want to protect you.

Offline conflictedwife

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Re: Struggling in my marriage
« Reply #7 on: Mon May 08, 2017 - 13:26:38 »
OK so basically his life has been a mess of failed marriages, debt and sponging off others. At the same time, controlling his parents who have enabled his immature behaviour, spoilt him and never stood up to him or made him grow up. Neither have the apron strings been cut.
They claim they are trusting God, but actually they have been living off you and your generosity.
Even his mum's house is yours.  ::eek:: Where did she live before ???

She/his parents lived with him and when he decided to move to marry and be with me they moved to the retirement village she lives in now, which is owned by the church, and were staying in their motor home.  I agreed to buy the house for them and they agreed to pay me rent monthly.  This was also going to serve as a retirement home for us when we were older, we both love the area and so it seemed like a good investment.  When his father got sick about 6 years ago they could no longer pay the rent but continued to pay for the taxes, insurance and homeowners dues so I'm not out of pocket anything for them/her living there. 

Thank you for everything you said.  I take full responsibility for not waiting longer and finding out more before we married.  But whats done is done so I've tried to make the best of it.  But every time I've said exactly what you said above "They claim they are trusting God, but actually they have been living off you and your generosity." they act like I'm crazy and say I don't trust God.  I'm tired of them using God and faith against me.  I spent a lot of years being angry at them and at God.  They drove me away from my faith and the church but now that I'm alone and have some peace in my home I have been able to think clearly and start getting right with God again myself.  I continue to pray for him, although I must admit at times it's hard. 

Don't worry about me, I will not repeat my mistakes of the past.  I agree that he needs to prove himself by getting and sticking with a job and repaying his debt.  But even then I will not allow myself to be put into the position of losing money again.  If I do move there in the future my money will go into a home and nothing else.  It will be in my name only or I won't buy it.  I will not take a loan out on it to fund a business for him or buy anything else he thinks he needs.  But it's sad I feel like I may have to be put in the position to say no to those things.  He is the husband and supposed to be the provider and protector and yet he has not provided and he has definitely not protected me and our future. 

Today he has contacted me a few times to let me know about his problems.  Yesterday I told him I expected him to step up and be a man and that I wasn't able to help him financially at all anymore.  I think he figures he can wear me down.  He says it's going to take him a long time to get his new business going now since he doesn't have money to invest in it.  He said his mother believes in him even if I don't and if she had the money she would invest in his business.  I'm sure she would, I'm sorry but I've learned my lesson.  But I'll keep praying that you find work and won't have to borrow money anymore. 
« Last Edit: Mon May 08, 2017 - 13:51:59 by conflictedwife »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Struggling in my marriage
« Reply #8 on: Mon May 08, 2017 - 14:19:04 »
OK so basically his life has been a mess of failed marriages, debt and sponging off others. At the same time, controlling his parents who have enabled his immature behaviour, spoilt him and never stood up to him or made him grow up. Neither have the apron strings been cut.
They claim they are trusting God, but actually they have been living off you and your generosity.
Even his mum's house is yours.  ::eek:: Where did she live before ???

She/his parents lived with him and when he decided to move to marry and be with me they moved to the retirement village she lives in now, which is owned by the church, and were staying in their motor home.  I agreed to buy the house for them and they agreed to pay me rent monthly.  This was also going to serve as a retirement home for us when we were older, we both love the area and so it seemed like a good investment.  When his father got sick about 6 years ago they could no longer pay the rent but continued to pay for the taxes, insurance and homeowners dues so I'm not out of pocket anything for them/her living there. 

Thank you for everything you said.  I take full responsibility for not waiting longer and finding out more before we married.  But whats done is done so I've tried to make the best of it.  But every time I've said exactly what you said above "They claim they are trusting God, but actually they have been living off you and your generosity." they act like I'm crazy and say I don't trust God.  I'm tired of them using God and faith against me.  I spent a lot of years being angry at them and at God.  They drove me away from my faith and the church but now that I'm alone and have some peace in my home I have been able to think clearly and start getting right with God again myself.  I continue to pray for him, although I must admit at times it's hard. 

Don't worry about me, I will not repeat my mistakes of the past.  I agree that he needs to prove himself by getting and sticking with a job and repaying his debt.  But even then I will not allow myself to be put into the position of losing money again.  If I do move there in the future my money will go into a home and nothing else.  It will be in my name only or I won't buy it.  I will not take a loan out on it to fund a business for him or buy anything else he thinks he needs.  But it's sad I feel like I may have to be put in the position to say no to those things.  He is the husband and supposed to be the provider and protector and yet he has not provided and he has definitely not protected me and our future. 

Today he has contacted me a few times to let me know about his problems.  Yesterday I told him I expected him to step up and be a man and that I wasn't able to help him financially at all anymore.  I think he figures he can wear me down.  He says it's going to take him a long time to get his new business going now since he doesn't have money to invest in it.  He said his mother believes in him even if I don't and if she had the money she would invest in his business.  I'm sure she would, I'm sorry but I've learned my lesson.  But I'll keep praying that you find work and won't have to borrow money anymore.
   
That all makes me feel so sad for you, and angry on your behalf.
To be honest the things he says to you and the way he treats you are appalling, he is using all the manipulative and controlling tactics he can, and he SO needs to grow up and leave his mother emotionally and physically. One thing I do know is that if this has had such a terrible emotional and spiritual effect on you that it drove you away from God and your faith, then all the more reason to stay away. There is NOTHING more important than your faith and relationship with God and maybe this separation is what God has been waiting for.
Please don't be angry with God, none of this is His doing and He may well be using this time to draw you back into a church family where you cant get godly advise and support.

Ok so it may take a long time for his business to take off, why is that an issue? It will prove that he is determined and is changing if he actually has to work at it. He wont like being said no to, AT ALL. You are probably the first person who had done that to him. Be strong, and you may need to set some boundaries with contact. So for example, tell him that if he begins to guilt trip you and manipulate you, that you will put the phone down. If he asks for money again, you will do the same. If he used the faith card, you will do the same. It he does this by email or text then don't reply. Manipulating another person to get money out of them is bordering on fraud. Leaving another person with your debts is also very wrong. The first thing he should be doing is working to pay them back. 

Maybe worth getting the book called 'Boundaries' by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.  I think there is another one called 'Boundaries in marriage'. 

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Re: Struggling in my marriage
« Reply #8 on: Mon May 08, 2017 - 14:19:04 »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Struggling in my marriage
« Reply #9 on: Mon May 08, 2017 - 14:41:33 »
Have just been thinking more about what you have revealed in later posts. I would say it is bordering on emotional and financial abuse, as well as spiritual abuse, and I never use the word abuse lightly.

Do you have any family who can give you emotional support in all this?

Offline conflictedwife

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Re: Struggling in my marriage
« Reply #10 on: Wed May 10, 2017 - 13:45:06 »
Have just been thinking more about what you have revealed in later posts. I would say it is bordering on emotional and financial abuse, as well as spiritual abuse, and I never use the word abuse lightly.

Do you have any family who can give you emotional support in all this?

I read both of your posts and agree. Im sick to my stomach as i type this because i just had another conversation with him this morning in which he is blaming me for our life/finances being bad. He says because of my "fear" things dont have a chance to get better for us. And that the only way that will happen as if i have faith and sell the house. It sickens me to be manipulated like this and i cant believe i married someone who would treat me this way. My reply is always the same, i tell him he needs to work to pay his debts and save the money to start his business. I also have told him numerous times that if i sold the house the money would be used to buy another one, not to fund a business or pay off his debt.  He just gets upset, says i dont understand that it takes money to make money. Geez, how can he think im so stupid!

But i do feel stupid for marrying him and now i feel trapped. I wanted so badly for this marriage to work out but im afraid to trust him. I think he has been this way all of his life and i dont think he is going to change. Yet do i have Biblical reason to divorce him? Can i get on with my life and have hope to maybe find a future relationship that is healthy? Please know its not how i wanted it, i took my vows seriously, but i think he will keep taking me down because he has no concept of how to handle money or be responsible. And he finds excuses for his failures every time instead of learning from them and taking responsibility.
« Last Edit: Wed May 10, 2017 - 14:09:23 by conflictedwife »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Struggling in my marriage
« Reply #11 on: Wed May 10, 2017 - 14:12:21 »
Its a hard one isnt it, because unless he is prepared to own up to his many poor financial decisions and his terrible manipulation, its hard to see how this can work. I suspect he is also VERY much under his mothers influence now that he is living with her. The fact that this is all affecting your spiritual and emotional health is good enough reason to stay away and pray and maybe even ask him not to contact you for a while so that you can hear God and be able to think and pray without his interference.
He is just saying the same things over and over, and blaming you when you have given him a lot of money and got loans out for him is terrible. Saying that things will only get better if you sell your home(and presumably give him some money)and give up your good business, is madness quite honestly. 

God tells him that he is supposed to support his family, and all he has been doing is taking from you, taking from his parents and generally acting very badly. By not taking responsibility for his poor decisions you can see that he hasn't changed.  You can see what his parents enabling had done to him, stopping him from growing up and being responsible.

Have you family near you? A church family? I think you need people to pray with you and support you. 

 BTW its not fear in you that's the issue, you would be crazy NOT to be very very cautious. He has a very poor track record and that breaks down the trust. I was watching a programme recently about friends and partners who take advantage of peoples good nature and trust and scam and manipulate them out of all their money.

As an outsider the things he is saying and how he is acting make him seem like a conman. He will bleed you dry given the chance.  ::frown::
« Last Edit: Wed May 10, 2017 - 14:19:55 by chosenone »

Offline conflictedwife

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Re: Struggling in my marriage
« Reply #12 on: Wed May 10, 2017 - 14:42:42 »
Its a hard one isnt it, because unless he is prepared to own up to his many poor financial decisions and his terrible manipulation, its hard to see how this can work. I suspect he is also VERY much under his mothers influence now that he is living with her. The fact that this is all affecting your spiritual and emotional health is good enough reason to stay away and pray and maybe even ask him not to contact you for a while so that you can hear God and be able to think and pray without his interference.
He is just saying the same things over and over, and blaming you when you have given him a lot of money and got loans out for him is terrible. Saying that things will only get better if you sell your home(and presumably give him some money)and give up your good business, is madness quite honestly. 

God tells him that he is supposed to support his family, and all he has been doing is taking from you, taking from his parents and generally acting very badly. By not taking responsibility for his poor decisions you can see that he hasn't changed.  You can see what his parents enabling had done to him, stopping him from growing up and being responsible.

Have you family near you? A church family? I think you need people to pray with you and support you. 

 BTW its not fear in you that's the issue, you would be crazy NOT to be very very cautious. He has a very poor track record and that breaks down the trust. I was watching a programme recently about friends and partners who take advantage of peoples good nature and trust and scam and manipulate them out of all their money.

As an outsider the things he is saying and how he is acting make him seem like a conman. He will bleed you dry given the chance.  ::frown::

Its indeed a very strange, and awful, feeling that i could have married a conman. I honestly dont think he is, not intentionally anyway, but there are days i have truly wondered. I think this is the way he has behaved all his life and he doesnt know any different. He has always gotten his way so he continues the behavior. Today he said since i dont want to commit to the marriage (which basically means sell the house and move there and do what he says) then he will force me to sell the house and give him half of the equity. Unfortunately we live in a common law state and even though the house is in my name only, and was mine before we met, he is entitled to half since we are married. He knows i could never buy another place to live here, its very expensive, so i would be forced to rent. So again, another manipulation tactic to get his way. How can someone who says he loves me do this to me?

And to answer your question about family, yes they are all close by but none of them know what is going on. Ive always protected him and not told anyone about his faults and our problems. However, some of the problems are quite obvious so its not like they cant see he has issues. Im currently not going to a church but have plans to start a Bible study with 2 of my friends at a church one of them attends regularly. I agree, i do need some people to pray with. Im very scared right now.

Offline chosenone

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Re: Struggling in my marriage
« Reply #13 on: Wed May 10, 2017 - 16:35:25 »
So basically he is saying that if you don't sell your home, leave your work, move to be where he is and give him a lot of the money for his business he will divorce you and get half the money. Nice.  ::frown::

I am amazed that he will get half of the house that was yours, especially as you haven't been married that long and  have no children together.What a terrible law. 
The thing is that you own the home they are living in as well, and while its not as expensive that would be part of any settlement presumably. He said he has changed but his words and actions show a man who is mean and greedy and lacks any integrity or moral values.
In your place I would get some good legal advise and tell them all that you have said here.
I also think that you need to tell close family what is happening.

Good that you are starting that bible study, God wants to help you in this. 

Offline conflictedwife

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Re: Struggling in my marriage
« Reply #14 on: Wed May 10, 2017 - 18:40:54 »
So basically he is saying that if you don't sell your home, leave your work, move to be where he is and give him a lot of the money for his business he will divorce you and get half the money. Nice.  ::frown::

I am amazed that he will get half of the house that was yours, especially as you haven't been married that long and  have no children together.What a terrible law. 
The thing is that you own the home they are living in as well, and while its not as expensive that would be part of any settlement presumably. He said he has changed but his words and actions show a man who is mean and greedy and lacks any integrity or moral values.
In your place I would get some good legal advise and tell them all that you have said here.
I also think that you need to tell close family what is happening.

Good that you are starting that bible study, God wants to help you in this.

Thank you so much for all the words of advise and just listening to what I have to say.  And yes I plan to get legal counsel.  I'm hoping there will be a way that he can't get money from my home.  Unfortunately in this state he may even be able to get spousal support due to the fact he's not working and I am, and that he can prove I had been the one supporting us for years now.  But I need to speak to a lawyer for sure and got the name of one today who was recommended by a friend who just went through a divorce.

I still really think he believes what he is saying is right and that as his wife I should sell everything, move there and help him start his new business and a "beautiful new life together".  He can not understand that he has a horrible track record because he blames others or has excuses for every failure.  And honestly, I could understand bad luck but it's been more than that.  And I hope one day he is successful but he needs to be a big boy and do it on his own.  How can a wife respect a husband when she feels he just keeps using her over and over again as his bank account?  I know the Bible says that wives must respect their husbands but I don't know how to do that with this man.

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Re: Struggling in my marriage
« Reply #15 on: Wed May 10, 2017 - 20:30:50 »
Yes it hard to respect a man who just isn't acting at all like a husband should. Especially one who blames everyone but himself for all of his poor decisions. You have done so much for him and he cant even see that.
Just take your time, get more involved in the church, talk to God about it all (He cares about you very much),and get that legal advise and wait and see what happens. 

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Re: Struggling in my marriage
« Reply #16 on: Wed May 10, 2017 - 21:41:53 »
So basically he is saying that if you don't sell your home, leave your work, move to be where he is and give him a lot of the money for his business he will divorce you and get half the money. Nice.  ::frown::

I am amazed that he will get half of the house that was yours, especially as you haven't been married that long and  have no children together.What a terrible law. 
The thing is that you own the home they are living in as well, and while its not as expensive that would be part of any settlement presumably. He said he has changed but his words and actions show a man who is mean and greedy and lacks any integrity or moral values.
In your place I would get some good legal advise and tell them all that you have said here.
I also think that you need to tell close family what is happening.

Good that you are starting that bible study, God wants to help you in this.

Thank you so much for all the words of advise and just listening to what I have to say.  And yes I plan to get legal counsel.  I'm hoping there will be a way that he can't get money from my home.  Unfortunately in this state he may even be able to get spousal support due to the fact he's not working and I am, and that he can prove I had been the one supporting us for years now.  But I need to speak to a lawyer for sure and got the name of one today who was recommended by a friend who just went through a divorce.

I still really think he believes what he is saying is right and that as his wife I should sell everything, move there and help him start his new business and a "beautiful new life together".  He can not understand that he has a horrible track record because he blames others or has excuses for every failure.  And honestly, I could understand bad luck but it's been more than that.  And I hope one day he is successful but he needs to be a big boy and do it on his own.  How can a wife respect a husband when she feels he just keeps using her over and over again as his bank account?  I know the Bible says that wives must respect their husbands but I don't know how to do that with this man.

1.  I don't think you have a biblical reason for divorce at this point.  Although, I agree you made a bad decision.  A lot of that is on you (I am guilty as well, not looking to make the same mistake twice).  Of course, if he brings the divorce, you don't have a choice.  Been there, done that.  At that point, fight back, play dirty within the law to protect yourself. 

2.  I don't know how long you have been married.  I am divorced, and have dealt with the house thingy.  I don't know how long you have been married, but my understanding is that if you were to be divorced, you may owe him 50% of the increase of the equity of the house attained since the marriage.

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Re: Struggling in my marriage
« Reply #17 on: Thu May 11, 2017 - 08:35:58 »
So basically he is saying that if you don't sell your home, leave your work, move to be where he is and give him a lot of the money for his business he will divorce you and get half the money. Nice.  ::frown::

I am amazed that he will get half of the house that was yours, especially as you haven't been married that long and  have no children together.What a terrible law. 
The thing is that you own the home they are living in as well, and while its not as expensive that would be part of any settlement presumably. He said he has changed but his words and actions show a man who is mean and greedy and lacks any integrity or moral values.
In your place I would get some good legal advise and tell them all that you have said here.
I also think that you need to tell close family what is happening.

Good that you are starting that bible study, God wants to help you in this.

Thank you so much for all the words of advise and just listening to what I have to say.  And yes I plan to get legal counsel.  I'm hoping there will be a way that he can't get money from my home.  Unfortunately in this state he may even be able to get spousal support due to the fact he's not working and I am, and that he can prove I had been the one supporting us for years now.  But I need to speak to a lawyer for sure and got the name of one today who was recommended by a friend who just went through a divorce.

I still really think he believes what he is saying is right and that as his wife I should sell everything, move there and help him start his new business and a "beautiful new life together".  He can not understand that he has a horrible track record because he blames others or has excuses for every failure.  And honestly, I could understand bad luck but it's been more than that.  And I hope one day he is successful but he needs to be a big boy and do it on his own.  How can a wife respect a husband when she feels he just keeps using her over and over again as his bank account?  I know the Bible says that wives must respect their husbands but I don't know how to do that with this man.

1.  I don't think you have a biblical reason for divorce at this point.  Although, I agree you made a bad decision.  A lot of that is on you (I am guilty as well, not looking to make the same mistake twice).  Of course, if he brings the divorce, you don't have a choice.  Been there, done that.  At that point, fight back, play dirty within the law to protect yourself. 

2.  I don't know how long you have been married.  I am divorced, and have dealt with the house thingy.  I don't know how long you have been married, but my understanding is that if you were to be divorced, you may owe him 50% of the increase of the equity of the house attained since the marriage.

Thats sounds much fairer.

Offline conflictedwife

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Re: Struggling in my marriage
« Reply #18 on: Thu May 11, 2017 - 10:55:09 »
2.  I don't know how long you have been married.  I am divorced, and have dealt with the house thingy.  I don't know how long you have been married, but my understanding is that if you were to be divorced, you may owe him 50% of the increase of the equity of the house attained since the marriage.

That would certainly be better than splitting 50/50 but it would still force me to sell my house in order to pay him.  He has left me with nothing but debt and I'm barely able to buy food after paying all the bills.  I don't make enough money, or show enough income, to buy another house so if I'm forced to sell this one I will have to rent.  My fault for making a very bad/uniformed decision when marrying him.

I will wait and see what he does about the divorce.  In the past he has said he wouldn't file because it's wrong in God's eyes.  I sure haven't given him Biblical reason to divorce me.  But yesterday he said he had to protect his mother and he would do whatever it took even if that meant divorcing me to get some money so they could survive.  He here's a novel idea, how about getting a job?! I didn't say that but I wanted too!  He complains that he has no money for food or repairs needed on the home they live in but he isn't working and is stuck on starting his own business but doesn't have the funds to do that now.  He talks about borrowing more money, seems he just doesn't grasp the concept of working for things that he wants.  He expects others to provide and calls that "God" providing for him.  I see it as him scamming people out of money. 

Offline chosenone

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Re: Struggling in my marriage
« Reply #19 on: Thu May 11, 2017 - 12:56:29 »
2.  I don't know how long you have been married.  I am divorced, and have dealt with the house thingy.  I don't know how long you have been married, but my understanding is that if you were to be divorced, you may owe him 50% of the increase of the equity of the house attained since the marriage.

That would certainly be better than splitting 50/50 but it would still force me to sell my house in order to pay him.  He has left me with nothing but debt and I'm barely able to buy food after paying all the bills.  I don't make enough money, or show enough income, to buy another house so if I'm forced to sell this one I will have to rent.  My fault for making a very bad/uniformed decision when marrying him.

I will wait and see what he does about the divorce.  In the past he has said he wouldn't file because it's wrong in God's eyes.  I sure haven't given him Biblical reason to divorce me.  But yesterday he said he had to protect his mother and he would do whatever it took even if that meant divorcing me to get some money so they could survive.  He here's a novel idea, how about getting a job?! I didn't say that but I wanted too!  He complains that he has no money for food or repairs needed on the home they live in but he isn't working and is stuck on starting his own business but doesn't have the funds to do that now.  He talks about borrowing more money, seems he just doesn't grasp the concept of working for things that he wants.  He expects others to provide and calls that "God" providing for him.  I see it as him scamming people out of money.
 

You mentioned that the house they live in is also yours? Maybe if he did end the marriage, you could let them have that house so you can keep yours there?
Its unbelieveable that he expects you to keep him and his mum and pay their bills. I mean does he honestly think that is how God wants him to act?

I would call his bluff and just let him stew for a few months. Get that legal advise as well. 

Send him this
Role of the Husband in the Bible – Provider and Protector
The role of the husband in the Bible starts with leadership, but encompasses provision and protection. A husband will never influence his wife if he does not care for her. He can demand and she may follow as a result, but he will never truly have her heart unless he provides for her needs, cares for her well-being, and protects her both physically and spiritually. For as Scripture says:

"Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Timothy 5:8).

He is NOT doing this and never had done in your marriage.
« Last Edit: Thu May 11, 2017 - 12:59:29 by chosenone »

Offline conflictedwife

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Re: Struggling in my marriage
« Reply #20 on: Thu May 11, 2017 - 14:26:58 »
You mentioned that the house they live in is also yours? Maybe if he did end the marriage, you could let them have that house so you can keep yours there?
Its unbelieveable that he expects you to keep him and his mum and pay their bills. I mean does he honestly think that is how God wants him to act?

I would call his bluff and just let him stew for a few months. Get that legal advise as well. 

Send him this
Role of the Husband in the Bible – Provider and Protector
The role of the husband in the Bible starts with leadership, but encompasses provision and protection. A husband will never influence his wife if he does not care for her. He can demand and she may follow as a result, but he will never truly have her heart unless he provides for her needs, cares for her well-being, and protects her both physically and spiritually. For as Scripture says:

"Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Timothy 5:8).

He is NOT doing this and never had done in your marriage.

I was the one who paid for the house they are living in but his name is on it too. So i could definitely offer to sign off of it and give him my equity in exchange for letting me keep my house but he stands to make a lot more off of my home than what i would get from theirs. But if it comes down to it that would be the first thing i would try.

I have sent him 1 Timothy 5:8 but he just ignores it. He says he tried as hard as he could to support me and make a decent living here and has all kinds of excuses why in 10 years he couldnt make anything work. But his mother has told me this has been an issue all his life, he has trouble sticking with things and following through. She blames his ADHD. He says thats not true. I think he truly doesnt see what he has done, or not done. I joined an ADHD forum to learn more about it and this seems to be common among untreated adults.

Today he apologized and said that due to past issues he can see why i would feel the way i do about my concerns for him providing for us but that he was very hurt that i didnt trust him. He went on to say that he hopes i can overcome my fear and have faith and trust in him for the future. My reply was that i would treat him with respect, because the Bible says a wife is to respect her husband, but that when trust is broken then the person who broke it has to show they can be trusted again. I also said that right now God wasnt giving me peace to sell my home and move there and i have to listen to God before man. I havent received a response yet. We are texting only now because we are less likely to argue that way. Im sure he will get back with me later.

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Re: Struggling in my marriage
« Reply #21 on: Thu May 11, 2017 - 16:41:35 »
He keeps referring to your fear, its not that is it, its common sense on your part. Everything you both have YOU bought into the marriage. He bought nothing in and he still has nothing and wants you to give him even more.
How blessed he and his mother are to have a house that YOU bought them. He should be very grateful to have that.

You may want to think of some conditions that you want to happen before you even think of moving there.
For me these would be 1) that he gets a full time job and sticks with it. 2) that he uses some of his earnings to pay off all those debts that he left you with. 3)he saves some up towards the business that he wants to start 4) that he agrees that if you ever did sell you home, all of the profit would go towards a new home there.
Those things will take a long time, possibly a year or two, but if he really wants you to go there he will act like a good husband and actually work for a living for once and do these things to rebuild the trust.

Maybe think about what your conditions would be, and tell him that they are not negotiable. You will soon see if he is prepared to make that effort for the marriage or not. 

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Re: Struggling in my marriage
« Reply #22 on: Thu May 11, 2017 - 18:40:09 »
He keeps referring to your fear, its not that is it, its common sense on your part. Everything you both have YOU bought into the marriage. He bought nothing in and he still has nothing and wants you to give him even more.
How blessed he and his mother are to have a house that YOU bought them. He should be very grateful to have that.

You may want to think of some conditions that you want to happen before you even think of moving there.
For me these would be 1) that he gets a full time job and sticks with it. 2) that he uses some of his earnings to pay off all those debts that he left you with. 3)he saves some up towards the business that he wants to start 4) that he agrees that if you ever did sell you home, all of the profit would go towards a new home there.
Those things will take a long time, possibly a year or two, but if he really wants you to go there he will act like a good husband and actually work for a living for once and do these things to rebuild the trust.

Maybe think about what your conditions would be, and tell him that they are not negotiable. You will soon see if he is prepared to make that effort for the marriage or not.

I agree with everything you wrote! I sure wish he would see it that way. Ive told him so many times that im not fearful, im being practical and using common sense. He doesnt seem to see that i was the one who provided everything and in 10 years he has not added anything to the marriage except for problems. We are very mismatched, and i take the blame for not being more aware of it before we married, but now we cant go back and change that. Maybe there is a reason for us being together and God has a plan. But you are so right, there have to be some conditions. However, everytime i bring that up he tells me hes not going to let me put demands on him or tell him what he has to do. He says he shouldnt have to prove anything to me because if i dont believe it in my heart then he will probably never be able to prove himself. He keeps repeating that i have to believe, have faith and quit being fearful. I dont know how to get through to him because, to me, what he is saying doesn't make sense. He has also informed me he will not be getting a job, that he will work for himself only. He plans to start his business and slowly build it up. He says it will be a slow process since im not willing to fund him so im sure i wont see financial help from him anytime soon. I wish he could get some counseling but honestly i dont know if it would help because he may not be honest about the situation.

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Re: Struggling in my marriage
« Reply #23 on: Fri May 12, 2017 - 07:15:34 »
He keeps referring to your fear, its not that is it, its common sense on your part. Everything you both have YOU bought into the marriage. He bought nothing in and he still has nothing and wants you to give him even more.
How blessed he and his mother are to have a house that YOU bought them. He should be very grateful to have that.

You may want to think of some conditions that you want to happen before you even think of moving there.
For me these would be 1) that he gets a full time job and sticks with it. 2) that he uses some of his earnings to pay off all those debts that he left you with. 3)he saves some up towards the business that he wants to start 4) that he agrees that if you ever did sell you home, all of the profit would go towards a new home there.
Those things will take a long time, possibly a year or two, but if he really wants you to go there he will act like a good husband and actually work for a living for once and do these things to rebuild the trust.

Maybe think about what your conditions would be, and tell him that they are not negotiable. You will soon see if he is prepared to make that effort for the marriage or not.

I agree with everything you wrote! I sure wish he would see it that way. Ive told him so many times that im not fearful, im being practical and using common sense. He doesnt seem to see that i was the one who provided everything and in 10 years he has not added anything to the marriage except for problems. We are very mismatched, and i take the blame for not being more aware of it before we married, but now we cant go back and change that. Maybe there is a reason for us being together and God has a plan. But you are so right, there have to be some conditions. However, everytime i bring that up he tells me hes not going to let me put demands on him or tell him what he has to do. He says he shouldnt have to prove anything to me because if i dont believe it in my heart then he will probably never be able to prove himself. He keeps repeating that i have to believe, have faith and quit being fearful. I dont know how to get through to him because, to me, what he is saying doesn't make sense. He has also informed me he will not be getting a job, that he will work for himself only. He plans to start his business and slowly build it up. He says it will be a slow process since im not willing to fund him so im sure i wont see financial help from him anytime soon. I wish he could get some counseling but honestly i dont know if it would help because he may not be honest about the situation.

Don't let the way he reacts stop you from giving him your requests. Just state them clearly(maybe in an email which you can keep) and leave it. Don't let him wear you down by his manipulation. Its up to him to choose to work on this and himself or not and if he doesn't then he risks loosing you. His choice.
Maybe he will be able to build up this business and get it going and maybe he won't, only time will tell, but didn't you say that his mum has already given him some money that she borrowed off a friend? if it doesn't work I suspect that he will blame you anyway because you didn't give him any money.

I agree with you, what he says doesn't make sense.
I am sure that God has a plan, it may well be that God didn't want you to marry him, but its too late now, but
whether your future is with him or not, God has a plan for you.

Offline chosenone

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Re: Struggling in my marriage
« Reply #24 on: Mon May 15, 2017 - 04:57:37 »
Was talking to my husband about this. He immediately said not to go under any circumstances, and he also sensed that there is more to this that you are aware of. 

Offline conflictedwife

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Re: Struggling in my marriage
« Reply #25 on: Mon May 15, 2017 - 11:07:36 »
Was talking to my husband about this. He immediately said not to go under any circumstances, and he also sensed that there is more to this that you are aware of.

What did he mean by more than what im aware of?

It's all so confusing because for several years i felt so strongly we were supposed to go to Florida. My husband balked at it, didnt want to leave California, even though he knew his mother needed us closer and there were more job opportunites there for him he still didnt want to go. It was going to be a huge sacrifice for me but yet i was the one pushing for it. Every morning i woke up and couldnt stop thinking that was what we were supposed to do. Now he is there and feeling the same way, that is where we are supposed to be. But im not stupid, i wont just pick up and leave my secure life to be with someone who seems to have been unstable his whole life. So ill just continue to pray about it and see where God leads.
« Last Edit: Mon May 15, 2017 - 11:47:14 by conflictedwife »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Struggling in my marriage
« Reply #26 on: Mon May 15, 2017 - 16:00:49 »
Was talking to my husband about this. He immediately said not to go under any circumstances, and he also sensed that there is more to this that you are aware of.

What did he mean by more than what im aware of?

It's all so confusing because for several years i felt so strongly we were supposed to go to Florida. My husband balked at it, didnt want to leave California, even though he knew his mother needed us closer and there were more job opportunites there for him he still didnt want to go. It was going to be a huge sacrifice for me but yet i was the one pushing for it. Every morning i woke up and couldnt stop thinking that was what we were supposed to do. Now he is there and feeling the same way, that is where we are supposed to be. But im not stupid, i wont just pick up and leave my secure life to be with someone who seems to have been unstable his whole life. So ill just continue to pray about it and see where God leads.
   

Not sure but maybe that there is more about His past that you still don't know about?

My feeling is that he will never learn to be a man and provide for himself and his family if he has you there to give him money all the time. What will happen to your business?

Offline conflictedwife

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Re: Struggling in my marriage
« Reply #27 on: Mon May 15, 2017 - 22:28:02 »
Was talking to my husband about this. He immediately said not to go under any circumstances, and he also sensed that there is more to this that you are aware of.

What did he mean by more than what im aware of?

It's all so confusing because for several years i felt so strongly we were supposed to go to Florida. My husband balked at it, didnt want to leave California, even though he knew his mother needed us closer and there were more job opportunites there for him he still didnt want to go. It was going to be a huge sacrifice for me but yet i was the one pushing for it. Every morning i woke up and couldnt stop thinking that was what we were supposed to do. Now he is there and feeling the same way, that is where we are supposed to be. But im not stupid, i wont just pick up and leave my secure life to be with someone who seems to have been unstable his whole life. So ill just continue to pray about it and see where God leads.
   

Not sure but maybe that there is more about His past that you still don't know about?

My feeling is that he will never learn to be a man and provide for himself and his family if he has you there to give him money all the time. What will happen to your business?

I doubt there is anything about his past i dont know. Over the past 10 years he has been pretty candid. And i have had what he told me confirmed by his parents and kids. It just wasnt made clear before we married. My fault for not digging deaper.

I totally agree that me continuing to give him money would be a huge mistake. I stopped doing that when he leff 2 months ago. I cant stop his mother from funding him though. Thats why i struggle with my anger towards her, she has created this in him by never doing her job to raise him to be responsible. She once told me she couldnt bare to be strict with him because "a mother's love is just too great". Excuse me but...GAG!

So from now on he will have to do it without me. If she helps then thats her choice but i will know. I have told him he has to change or we wont be together, i have given him my conditions so we will see what he does.  As for my business, if i move i will sell it. I do have an online store ive been building for a year now, so in case i move i can still continue to retail my products but the service portion of my business would be over for me. And he knows that if i move in the future he has to support me, my income will be supplemental. We will see....
« Last Edit: Mon May 15, 2017 - 22:31:56 by conflictedwife »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Struggling in my marriage
« Reply #28 on: Wed May 17, 2017 - 12:05:08 »
A mothers love is so great that she makes sure that child grows up to be hardworking, responsible and mature. Not being able to say no to your child isn't love(as you know)

I guess you will have to see what has happened in 6-12 months, but surely she wont be able to keep borrowing from people when she can't pay them back? Time will tell if he has changed, but so far he is still living in your house on your mums money.

Offline conflictedwife

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Re: Struggling in my marriage
« Reply #29 on: Sat Jun 03, 2017 - 15:05:22 »
A mothers love is so great that she makes sure that child grows up to be hardworking, responsible and mature. Not being able to say no to your child isn't love(as you know)

I guess you will have to see what has happened in 6-12 months, but surely she wont be able to keep borrowing from people when she can't pay them back? Time will tell if he has changed, but so far he is still living in your house on your mums money.

No she has already come to the end of her savings and cashed in her life insurance policy.  She has borrowed from friends and she doesn't get enough monthly income to pay any of it back.  She can't keep it up so not sure what will happen to either of them.  He tells me he will be working soon and start paying it all back but then he also says God will take carry of him and money has always come to him in his life.  Often that money has been from people who have worked hard for it and then loaned it to him and he has never paid it back.  He has all these plans and expects me to buy into them, "buy" being the key word.  He wants the money from my house and when I say no he threatens and gets mean. 

He is here now with me to collect some of his things but used all of his money to get here and again I've been taking care of him, feeding him and paying his credit card bills.  Today he threatened to sell my car, to get the money he needs go back to living with his mother, which would leave me with no transportation.  He has 3 vehicles that run but he won't sell them because they aren't worth much. 

He is deceived if he actually believes he is following God.  I'm so tired of being told I'm wrong and he's right.  I cry daily.  I feel emotionally abused.  I can't believe God would want me to stay married to someone like this.

Offline conflictedwife

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Re: Struggling in my marriage
« Reply #30 on: Thu Jun 15, 2017 - 09:35:55 »
On top of everything else i just found out my husband was on an online dating website talking with other women. He said he sees nothing wrong with it as he is only chatting and not trying to hook up with anyone. I asked him if he thought this was ok to do as a married Christian man and he said yes. He said talking with other women would help him understand me better. What???

I have to say that even though i was angry and frustrating with him already, this really hurt me badly. I have done so much for him in so many ways and now he is thinking about other women. Maybe he knows ive run out of money and he needs to find someone else to mooch off of? His reasoning was that im a "B" and nag him all the time and wont sell my house to come be with him and act like a wife. He said he assumed the marriage was over. Really? No papers have been filed so that means we are still married!  I admit i probably do nag and complain a lot because he doesnt pull his weight and is always taking advantage of me. I can barely afford food because im paying all the bills he ran up so yeah im probably not the easiest to get a long with. And he is 3000 miles away and not helping me out at all but i never thought of trying to find another man. Im still married!

After all of this, and a lot more i havent shared on this thread, how can i stay married to this man? I wanted so badly for this marriage to work but i cant make him change and he clearly doesnt want to. I made a mistake, i beleived the false info he gave me when we met, so now im stuck forever in a marriage like this? I want to do what God wants me to do but i dont know what that is anymore. How could God want me to be with a man like this? I know He hates divorce but wouldn't he hate his daughter being treated like this by a man who claims to be following the Bible?

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Re: Struggling in my marriage
« Reply #31 on: Thu Jun 15, 2017 - 10:42:31 »
God hates divorce because of the pain it causes those who have to go through it. Your husband is behaving appalingly. So, its ok for a Christian man to go onto dating sites and chat to women??? Really??? He knows that is completely wrong. He may have already taken this further and met some of them and presumably is lying to them as well.
Please get some financial and legal advice. There is no reason that you must pay these bills. Explain whose debts they are and see if you can get them sent to him so that he can pay them.  He married you under false pretenses and to all intents and purposes, he is now being unfaithful.

I talked to my husband about your previous posts and he said, I can't see any other thing to do except end the marriage. He lies, cheats, steals, uses others, controls and manipulates. He is now seeking other women and can't cut the ties from his mother.


Please get advice about what your next step should be, with regards to the money and the marriage. Stop all contact with this awful ungodly man.
« Last Edit: Thu Jun 15, 2017 - 10:44:56 by chosenone »

Offline conflictedwife

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Re: Struggling in my marriage
« Reply #32 on: Thu Jun 15, 2017 - 11:08:50 »
Thanks so much for your advice and support! Unfortunately the debt is mine. They are my credit cards, in my name only. I allowed him to use them and he maxed them out trying to save his business, that he wasnt managing properly. When i ran out of money he went to his mother and she depleted her savings and borrowed from others to keep him going. He will no doubt pay her back first, if he even pays anything back at all.

He has threatened me that if i file for divorce he will force the sale of my home (which i purchased 4 years before i met him) and the sale of my car (which is in both our names but i paid for it). He has 4 vehicles but none are worth much. My car isnt worth a lot either but its my only transportation and if its sold and i get half i wont be able to afford a reliable vehicle. Just as if the house is sold i wont be able to buy another one with half the equity i receive. Yet he will come out great because in the state he is in property values are very low and he cojld do a lot with his share of the money.

Unfortunately California, where we lived together and where i have lived all my life, is a very liberal state and everything is community property when you have been married as long as we have. He knows his rights and can do a lot of damage to me. I dont know what to do.

Offline chosenone

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Re: Struggling in my marriage
« Reply #33 on: Thu Jun 15, 2017 - 11:44:30 »
Thanks so much for your advice and support! Unfortunately the debt is mine. They are my credit cards, in my name only. I allowed him to use them and he maxed them out trying to save his business, that he wasnt managing properly. When i ran out of money he went to his mother and she depleted her savings and borrowed from others to keep him going. He will no doubt pay her back first, if he even pays anything back at all.

He has threatened me that if i file for divorce he will force the sale of my home (which i purchased 4 years before i met him) and the sale of my car (which is in both our names but i paid for it). He has 4 vehicles but none are worth much. My car isnt worth a lot either but its my only transportation and if its sold and i get half i wont be able to afford a reliable vehicle. Just as if the house is sold i wont be able to buy another one with half the equity i receive. Yet he will come out great because in the state he is in property values are very low and he cojld do a lot with his share of the money.

Unfortunately California, where we lived together and where i have lived all my life, is a very liberal state and everything is community property when you have been married as long as we have. He knows his rights and can do a lot of damage to me. I dont know what to do.
 

Have you been to an attorney and got legal advice on all this? Don't go just by what your husband tells you.  The other alternative is just to remain separated but have no contact.

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Re: Struggling in my marriage
« Reply #34 on: Thu Jun 15, 2017 - 12:19:14 »
Thanks so much for your advice and support! Unfortunately the debt is mine. They are my credit cards, in my name only. I allowed him to use them and he maxed them out trying to save his business, that he wasnt managing properly. When i ran out of money he went to his mother and she depleted her savings and borrowed from others to keep him going. He will no doubt pay her back first, if he even pays anything back at all.

He has threatened me that if i file for divorce he will force the sale of my home (which i purchased 4 years before i met him) and the sale of my car (which is in both our names but i paid for it). He has 4 vehicles but none are worth much. My car isnt worth a lot either but its my only transportation and if its sold and i get half i wont be able to afford a reliable vehicle. Just as if the house is sold i wont be able to buy another one with half the equity i receive. Yet he will come out great because in the state he is in property values are very low and he cojld do a lot with his share of the money.

Unfortunately California, where we lived together and where i have lived all my life, is a very liberal state and everything is community property when you have been married as long as we have. He knows his rights and can do a lot of damage to me. I dont know what to do.


Your beliefs are not quite true about divorce and property division.  Neither are your husband's.  You need to use the Google.  I would advise spending time doing some research before talking to an attorney.

Your property and debt accumulated since the marriage would be 50/50.  Any equity in your home that came from paying on the house note since the marriage  may be considered community property as well, and by that token if the house was not paid off prior to marriage any change in value could be considered community property as well.

See the following case law in California concerning the home:

http://www.kenreyeslaw.com/blog/2014/october/is-real-estate-property-purchased-prior-to-marri/