suspicion of wife cheating - what to do?

[zipa]

Forum,

I want to do the right thing, the right christian thing, but I am very unsure of what it is.

I suspect my wife is cheating on me. I see a lot of different signals, things that appear in our house and the way she behaves. I have also seen a message sent from her that indicates cheating. I went with my gut feeling and confronted her with it three weeks ago. She got furious, denied, and turned it towards me. I felt horrible, and tried to convince myself that I was wrong. My heart tried to convince me that she would never do such thing, but I continue to see signals of infidelity.
I am going nuts here - sometimes think I should breach her privacy by doing a computer hack and see her messages to find out. But I feel it is totally wrong to do such thing, so far out, - very distrusting and un-christian, it seems.

What should I do? What is the right thing to do? I cannot do nothing - going nuts with this, it is tearing me up.

Thank you for any input.

[chosenone]

zipa
If you have real suspicions, then checking up isnt wrong in my opinion. A lady who I knew several years ago suspected that her husband was cheating and she asked God to show her if he was. Within a few days she had proof. Two airline tickets arrived in the post arrived in the post addressed to him. One for him and one for his mistress. He was supposed to be going abroard for work on his own. You may say that she shouldnt have opened his letter, but she felt she needed to and why should there be any secrets in a marriage anyway?There should be complete openess and honesty.My husband and I always open each others letters, its whoever gets them first. We are also completely open with phones and computers as well. We have nothing to hide.

Maybe you can do that as well, asking God to show you for certain one way or the other.

Anyone who is cheating will nearly always deny it and get angry and blame the one asking for being jealous and paranoid. That has happended with several people that I know, who were later proved to be right. Of course you are finding it hard to believe that she would do it, its a deep betrayal, and my husband said the same when his ex wife cheated, but in my opinion, you, as her husband, have a right to know, even if only to aviod std's, and also to make any decisions that you need to take if she is cheating.

I hope that it isnt true, but I do feel strongly that you need to know and have every right to know if it is.

God Bless.

[zipa]

chosenone,

Thank you, I appreciate your input.

I am almost totally certain that I can get real proof it I hack her computer. But what if I am wrong? Then I have been terribly distrusting, - and groundless. Then I need to tell her afterwards what I did, don't I?

Thanks.

[anx]

It sounds like you are convinced not groundless and distrusting. We give our spouse reasons to not trust if we lie or act strangely without being willing to talk about it.

If she is cheating, I would say it wouldn't be christian to ignore it and not uncover it.

If you are wrong, then tell her you looked.

Without more details its hard to find tell. Only you would know for sure anyways. Does she talk to you? Would she talk to your pastor together? Would she go to counseling.

Probably no matter what, you guys need to change something. Pray hard and seek God while you make these decisions.

Blessings

[zipa]

anx,

Thank you so much for the sound input. Yes, I need to pray hard, I really do, so I do the right thing. I need God to lead.

I do not know if she would go to counseling together with me in case I am right. I am even unsure if there is any way back in that case - it has been quite a struggle recent years. We should have had counseling long time ago. She was always the one wanting to go to church and I was a drag, but the last 6-8 weeks she seems not wanting to go, which is also one of my suspicion points.

Thank you.

[chosenone]

zipa, you are right that those who are cheating do withdraw from church and Christian friends. I have seen that as well. I suppose its the guilt, and because they know they are sinning and that God would want them to stop.Also if she is cheating, then she wont agree to see the pastor either because he will rightly tell her that she has to stop.
If you do look and find nothing, then is there any other way that you could find out? Do you suspect that it is a man at her work?If so is there any one else there who you trust that you could talk to?
Whatever happens you do need to know one way or another I feel as its the not knowing that is so painful isn't it.
If I were in your position and I was pretty convinced that my husband was cheating, I would try to find out for sure, and I wouldn't feel guilty about it either, but that's just me.

Is there a mature Christisn man that you know who you could go to about this?

[zipa]

She confronted me an hour ago thinking I was following/monitoring her when I picked her up at a place yesterday. I was not, not at that time at least. The conversation lead to an argument where she says she has no hope for our relationship. And she does not want to do counseling together with me, when I suggested that. She also says she feels very depressed at times, which obviously concerns me greatly, as it already did before. No hope for the relationship, and I think this is really how she feels. Is there then any point in confirming whether she is cheating, and confronting her with it? Which purpose should it have? I really think it is over in any case. (so strange to put words on that - 'over' - so hurtful, failure-like).

Thanks for any input.

[anx]

I was actually going to post today that the change in her behavior might be because she has given up, not cheating.

Just because she has no hope NOW does not mean she will not be willing to do counseling in a few months or a year.

She is partially depressed because of the relationship. She might separate from you to heal from that and then be interested, but you are going up against a lot to work against depression and any marriage issues at the same time.

I don't know about the cheating end now. It might be she is cheating and has justified it with this. Otherwise, she has turned a corner and give up.


Again, she might not have any hope or interest NOW, but your job is to do whats right. It will be a LONG road.

2 Thessalonians 3:13
And as for you, brothers and sisters, never tire of doing what is good.

If she decides to separate, let her and continue to pursue the relationship. Don't smother or be needy towards her. If she doesn't want to contact or talk to you, don't. Build yourself up as a Godly man. Strong, stable, and doing whats right and good.

Do not underestimate the depression. Its not possible for her to love or see hope in the depression if its caused by the marriage.

Joel 2
12 “Even now,” declares the LORD,
   “return to me with all your heart,
   with fasting and weeping and mourning.”
 13 Rend your heart
   and not your garments.
Return to the LORD your God,
   for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love,
   and he relents from sending calamity.
14 Who knows? He may turn and relent
   and leave behind a blessing—
grain offerings and drink offerings
   for the LORD your God.

Get in and talk to your pastor ASAP with or without her. Ask her to join you, but go alone if she does not. Perhaps, go separately.

The next few months or years could be very difficult. Your marriage is in full crisis mode. Prepare yourself, get into Gods word, lead a Godly life, read christian marriage books, and pray hard.

At this time, you can very much affect what is going to happen, but any REAL and full healing on her end is up to her and God. The same goes for you.

Blessings.

[EdwardGoodie]

I noticed that you have not given us any responses as to the specific reasons why she believes the relationship is in trouble.

Have you asked her if there is anything you could do to better the relationship?
Have you asked her what changes she thinks is needed in the relationship?

So far, all I have seen is you, you, and more you.  You seem very controlling and distrustful.  I call that the Velcro Syndrome. 

I would honestly suggest that YOU go for counseling on your own with the sole purpose of figuring out what YOU can do for the relationship - no strings attached.  I would kindly inform your wife that you are going for counseling for that specific purpose and hope that she would be willing to join in the sessions when she feels comfortable - not when you feel comfortable...

I think she feels as if she doesn't even exist...

(Disclaimer: I could be wrong)

[zipa]

@EdwardGoodie

Thank you for your input and analysis.

There are lots of things I could do better, and I would hardly know where to start a list. With all due respect though, I do not think that gives a carte blanc for infidelity.

No, I do not think I have been a good husband to her - not what she was looking for maybe - but I have been faithful/respectful and responsible. We have talked about what I could do better many times during the seven years, but I do not think I have been good enough at changing/adapting. I have also done counseling on my own to work on this, as it obviously was extremely important to me.

I do not see myself as controlling and distrustful. In fact, my wife has many times been frustrated with me because I trust people very easily, and it tends to be naive and sometimes it is exploited. This high trust level has most certainly to do with my cultural background, although I do not wish to reveal what that is on this forum.

I will do counseling in any case, because I am a very big part in this whole thing being so messed up. There are two of us, but I carry the main burden and responsibility for it not working out. I have so much to learn from the scriptures about how to do things right, and so much to ask God's forgiveness for.

[drspinko]

If I were in your position and I was pretty convinced that my husband was cheating, I would try to find out for sure, and I wouldn't feel guilty about it either, but that's just me.

I completely agree with ChosenOne here. Unfortunately I had to learn the hard way about how deceitful a spouse can become when their heart has turned against you.

My wife filed for divorce, out of the blue, at the beginning of this year. She gave a long list of reasons (all of them my fault  ), said she was "done" and didn't want to even try marriage counseling. So, I decided that, since it was all my fault, I would be the "big boy" and start working on all of the things she listed against me. It didn't make any difference to her.

Several wise people in my life asked if there was another man? I said, No way! She would never do that! But I eventually realized that I needed to know what was going on. So I prayed and asked God to reveal the secrets and  I began to investigate. Within a week, I found concrete evidence that she was having an affair. I was shocked and heart-broken, but decided to confront her with it in hopes that she would come to her senses and decide to work on our marriage. But, she shocked me again by completely denying her affair. So, in twenty four hours' time, I discovered that my wife was an adulteress and a brazen liar. I couldn't believe it because I, like you, am a very trusting person. She continued to lie and deny for six more weeks until she was forced to admit the truth of her affair as we were about to go into court (she was trying to force me out of our home).

Anyway, I very much hope that your situation is different, but your description of her behavior is suspicious. If she isn't doing anything wrong, then she should have nothing to hide from you and shouldn't have a problem with you getting into her business. But, if you want to know for sure, you can't let her know what you are doing. God bless you.

[chosenone]

drspinko
Yours is a hard lesson that spouses who we thought we knew, are capable of deception cheating and lying. I have seen it time and time again in my own family. have experienced it myself as has my husband. Just because a person denies it that means nothing. MY brothers ex wife denied all of her affairs and accused my brother of being paranoid and jealous. She had 4 affairs.None of us could believe that she was capable of such awful behaviour.

Zipa, I do not see you in anyway as controlling or suspicious. If you have good reason to suspect her of cheating(and the spouse often senses things)then you may as well find out for sure.
Remember that most people who cheat will deny it and deny it, and also remember that most people who have affairs will blame it all on the other spouse in an attempt to justify it, to avoid taking responsibility for their actions, and to assuage their guilt. Others will also say that the marriage is over and how unhappy they are in the marriage etc etc because they ARE cheating.
Do what 2 of us have suggested and ask God for definite proof. At least then you will know for sure and can make decisions based on that.

[EdwardGoodie]

...I am a very big part in this whole thing being so messed up. There are two of us, but I carry the main burden and responsibility for it not working out. I have so much to learn from the scriptures about how to do things right, and so much to ask God's forgiveness for.

I hope you will tell your wife exactly what you have said here.  You might want to add asking forgiveness from your wife.  I am sure that she still holds you in high regard and would not want you to suffer needlessly, and because of that, she MAY add other details pertinent to the situation. 

Nobody likes living in a poor relationship.  Both parties want resolution but few are willing to take the first step without associating some blame to the other individual.  I stress that you only focus on your shortfalls.  You can't make anyone focus on theirs, but you can bring about the right climate to make it much easier for them to do so...

Hope it all works out...

[Wycliffes_Shillelagh]

If the engine's running a little rough, I check the oil.

I don't feel bad for invading its privacy either, since it's, y'know... mine.

[happypromises]

My story is documented elsewhere....but about a year ago, I suspected my husband had a secret.  He was a little distant with me, seemed to not be 'present' when we were intimate and over time, it just grew and grew into a sense that something was badly wrong.  I did not want to check up on him, but I knew if I asked him, I would probably get emotional and it wouldn't work.    In the end, one day, he left his phone with me.  I sat there for the longest time and looked at it.   My heart started thumping and I knew all the answers were sitting in that little device.   I'd go so far as to say that I think God led me mentally to his phone - not his bills, not his computer records - I just knew that what I needed to know was in the phone!

So, in the end, I walked away, I prayed and I said simply, 'Lord if this is wrong, please stop me'.  I kept getting that sense that it really was 'ok' to look, so with a thumping heart and trembling fingers, I did.  He'd even taken his usual passcode off the phone and everything I needed to see, was there in 3 clicks.  My world pretty much felt like it fell apart at that point - but I still know 100% that it WAS ok to check up on him.   

To have not done so, would have been living in denial.

But I would say to you, are you prepared to handle what you might find?  If you find evidence, what does that mean for your marriage?  Is it a seperation?  Does one of you move out?  Are there kids involved?   There's that famous line....'You want the truth, you want the truth?   You couldn't HANDLE the truth!'

Make sure you can handle the truth, just in case 'truth' turns out to be incredibly painful.