I would like to say i love my husband very much, we have only been married for 3 years and I'm really worried this might all be in my head.
From the moment I met my husband I knew he was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I do admit i was a very weak person back then and would do anything anyone asked of me because I did not want to upset, disappoint or hurt them. I don't do "No" very well even today, and most people use to walk all over me because of it. So when we met yes there was cheating, going out to see other woman (mainly his x) but I forgave him for all of that and as much as I would like to say i have forgotten it, I cannot, the pain is still to much for me to handle some times, but I do my best not bring it up again. Saying that he always begged me to give him another chance, being a Christian I have.
Our first New years as a married couple, I said I would give him the day to be with his friends, but could we please see the new year in together as it meant a lot to me. So by 5pm I arrived back at our camp and asked if we could start supper and spend some time together, I was literally told to F off and said he wanted to spend it with his mates. I gave in even though it hurt me I said he could spend the party time with his mates, but please, please could he come to our tent so we could see the new year in. I couldn't find him so one of our other friends went to find him and brought him to me. We literally counted 3,2,1 gave me a quick kiss and he was off. By now I smelt a rat. So by 2 am when he still hadn't come back to find me, I went and looked for him. I couldn't find him anywhere. I panicked and was running around the water edge looking for him, worried he had fallen in with his drunkenness. I couldn't find him. I went back to our tent and 2 hours later he came back as drunk as a skunk but I was so relieved I could have died. I still had that bad feeling, but had left it because anytime I have asked him in the past about it all I ever got from him was "Your being stupid" "Don't be so pathetic, I love you and would never want to hurt you" "You are being so silly, really stop it now" The following morning we woke up and he had lost his shoes, he said I didn't have to follow him to find them, but I wanted to help so I followed. When he found his shoes he tried to pull me away from the spot they were found. I saw something white there and when I picked them up they were a pair of Ladies sandals, the belonged to one of the ladies we were camping with. I remembered them from the day before and thought it was funny to wear such a pretty pair of shoes camping in the mud. Two weeks after new years it came out he kissed her, he said nothing more happened, but I have my doubts knowing the girl, and knowing my husband's history. So once again I forgave him because he begged and pleaded, yet when I asked him why, all he could say was "You were being so clingy and needy. I needed space to be with my friends" when I said I gave him the whole day to be with his friends all he could say was "I'm being stupid, stop thinking into this. It meant nothing"
Since then there hasn't been any cheating from what I can tell, I still get this feeling every now and then, yet I choose to ignore it as I keep thinking it really is me that is being stupid and thinking too much into it. He flirts with woman often, yet he does introduce me as his wife, and when I tell him how belittling it is to me. He says's yes you guessed it "Stop being so stupid, there is nothing going on. We are just friends" "Your being paranoid, stop being so silly. Don't think into it"
The last two years I do admit we have been in a bit of that comfort zone you get into. He sits on his PC from the moment he gets home till way after I go to bed. Every now and then he will come sit with me while I read my book or watch TV. I asked him once to take me dancing at a club here were we stay. He refuses every time saying he hates it. Now I know this is me being a whiny wife, but a marriage is supposed to be give and take 100% from both. I gave up dancing because I had an ectopic pregnancy, and I knew how much he hated going to my shows and exams, so to lessen the strain on our marriage I quite all together, so when I ask him to take me once in a blue moon, would be nice if he would.
Lately I have been feeling like there is a huge gulf between us. We are not as close as we use to be. I have tried everything to bring us closer, I am to scared to talk to him about how I feel, because the last 3 times I did we ended up fighting. Me being told how silly I'm being, stupid, irrational. He doesn't feel that way, he is happy. I must stop being so stupid. It always end that I fall asleep crying on the couch while he sleeps like a baby in the bed. The following day he acts like the fight never happened, and I really do start to wonder if I'm going crazy. If I am being silly or stupid and over thinking everything. I am also a firm believer in trying anything at least once to see if you like it. When I approached my husband about starting a self defense training, for fun and to get fit. He said I was being silly I would never see something like that through. So I never went, have never tried it, because instead of my husband letting me try it and who knows if I like it or not he just stomped the idea out of my head without another thought. It hurts when your husband doesn't support a thing you would like to do, or say. When we are out in public it has become a thing to belittle each other because he would say something personal that happens between us and it hurts me so I throw something back. I know it wrong of me, but it humiliating and hurts me.
Please I need help, I don't know if he is being emotionally abusive or if I'm just holding onto everything and being the whiny wife?