Author Topic: I'm scared, help...  (Read 797 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Aura01

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 3
  • Manna: 0
  • (T)ogether (E)veryone (A)chieves (M)ore
    • View Profile
I'm scared, help...
« on: December 20, 2012, 10:17:24 AM »
I would like to say i love my husband very much, we have only been married for 3 years and I'm really worried this might all be in my head.
From the moment I met my husband I knew he was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I do admit i was a very weak person back then and would do anything anyone asked of me because I did not want to upset, disappoint or hurt them. I don't do "No" very well even today, and most people use to walk all over me because of it. So when we met yes there was cheating, going out to see other woman (mainly his x) but I forgave him for all of that and as much as I would like to say i have forgotten it, I cannot, the pain is still to much for me to handle some times, but I do my best not bring it up again. Saying that he always begged me to give him another chance, being a Christian I have.
Our first New years as a married couple, I said I would give him the day to be with his friends, but could we please see the new year in together as it meant a lot to me. So by 5pm I arrived back at our camp and asked if we could start supper and spend some time together, I was literally told to F off and said he wanted to spend it with his mates. I gave in even though it hurt me I said he could spend the party time with his mates, but please, please could he come to our tent so we could see the new year in. I couldn't find him so one of our other friends went to find him and brought him to me. We literally counted 3,2,1 gave me a quick kiss and he was off. By now I smelt a rat. So by 2 am when he still hadn't come back to find me, I went and looked for him. I couldn't find him anywhere. I panicked and was running around the water edge looking for him, worried he had fallen in with his drunkenness. I couldn't find him. I went back to our tent and 2 hours later he came back as drunk as a skunk but I was so relieved I could have died. I still had that bad feeling, but had left it because anytime I have asked him in the past about it all I ever got from him was "Your being stupid" "Don't be so pathetic, I love you and would never want to hurt you" "You are being so silly, really stop it now" The following morning we woke up and he had lost his shoes, he said I didn't have to follow him to find them, but I wanted to help so I followed. When he found his shoes he tried to pull me away from the spot they were found. I saw something white there and when I picked them up they were a pair of Ladies sandals, the belonged to one of the ladies we were camping with. I remembered them from the day before and thought it was funny to wear such a pretty pair of shoes camping in the mud. Two weeks after new years it came out he kissed her, he said nothing more happened, but I have my doubts knowing the girl, and knowing my husband's history. So once again I forgave him because he begged and pleaded, yet when I asked him why, all he could say was "You were being so clingy and needy. I needed space to be with my friends" when I said I gave him the whole day to be with his friends all he could say was "I'm being stupid, stop thinking into this. It meant nothing"
Since then there hasn't been any cheating from what I can tell, I still get this feeling every now and then, yet I choose to ignore it as I keep thinking it really is me that is being stupid and thinking too much into it. He flirts with woman often, yet he does introduce me as his wife, and when I tell him how belittling it is to me. He says's yes you guessed it "Stop being so stupid, there is nothing going on. We are just friends" "Your being paranoid, stop being so silly. Don't think into it"
The last two years I do admit we have been in a bit of that comfort zone you get into. He sits on his PC from the moment he gets home till way after I go to bed. Every now and then he will come sit with me while I read my book or watch TV. I asked him once to take me dancing at a club here were we stay. He refuses every time saying he hates it. Now I know this is me being a whiny wife, but a marriage is supposed to be give and take 100% from both. I gave up dancing because I had an ectopic pregnancy, and I knew how much he hated going to my shows and exams, so to lessen the strain on our marriage I quite all together, so when I ask him to take me once in a blue moon, would be nice if he would.
Lately I have been feeling like there is a huge gulf between us. We are not as close as we use to be. I have tried everything to bring us closer, I am to scared to talk to him about how I feel, because the last 3 times I did we ended up fighting. Me being told how silly I'm being, stupid, irrational. He doesn't feel that way, he is happy. I must stop being so stupid. It always end that I fall asleep crying on the couch while he sleeps like a baby in the bed. The following day he acts like the fight never happened, and I really do start to wonder if I'm going crazy. If I am being silly or stupid and over thinking everything. I am also a firm believer in trying anything at least once to see if you like it. When I approached my husband about starting a self defense training, for fun and to get fit. He said I was being silly I would never see something like that through. So I never went, have never tried it, because instead of my husband letting me try it and who knows if I like it or not he just stomped the idea out of my head without another thought. It hurts when your husband doesn't support a thing you would like to do, or say. When we are out in public it has become a thing to belittle each other because he would say something personal that happens between us and it hurts me so I throw something back. I know it wrong of me, but it humiliating and hurts me.
Please I need help, I don't know if he is being emotionally abusive or if I'm just holding onto everything and being the whiny wife?

Christian Forums and Message Board

I'm scared, help...
« on: December 20, 2012, 10:17:24 AM »

Offline JohnDB

  • Global Moderator
  • The Force
  • *****
  • Posts: 117496
  • Manna: 189
  • Gender: Male
  • scarey isn't it?
    • View Profile
Re: I'm scared, help...
« Reply #1 on: December 20, 2012, 10:38:36 AM »
Forgiving is not the same thing as forgetting.

And where you needn't shove it in his face all the time you can tell him that he is trying to "gaslight" you. (google the term if you need the definition)
That he has indeed cheated on you and because of that one instance and the other behaviors he is not doing anything to instill confidence in him.

That he has done very little to work on pulling the two of you closer together over time and in fact has done more to place a wedge between the two of you.

And his "shouting you down" doesn't change the facts. and those are the facts (as you have presented here)

Granted he probably has his side of the story too...which will be all those "little details" that you have purposefully left out. But from the point of view you have told...that is what I see you feeling.

Christian Forums and Message Board

Re: I'm scared, help...
« Reply #1 on: December 20, 2012, 10:38:36 AM »

Offline Aura01

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 3
  • Manna: 0
  • (T)ogether (E)veryone (A)chieves (M)ore
    • View Profile
Re: I'm scared, help...
« Reply #2 on: December 20, 2012, 11:47:13 AM »
No I understand that, and that is why I try very hard not to, but I do try and use it when he wont try and understand why I get upset when he flirts with other woman. He does not seem to understand what he does wrong, all he can say is trust me/ she means nothing/ don't be so paranoid and stupid, I love you I'm married to you aren't I. So I try get him to understand the only way I know how to, brute force. The truth hurts, but its still the truth.

He doesn't see us as being apart. Everytime I tell him its how I feel he will say "Well I don't feel that way, your being silly my kitten, I love you and would be lost without you in my life. I don't want to loose you" I'm really starting to wonder on that last part though.

I am a firm believer in the three truth tale (my story, his story and then the truth) but I have tried to be as unbiased as I can towards this as I really need help. I Love him very much, and I know in his way he loves me. But love is slowly not enough anymore and I'm scared that this is going to be our relationship for the rest of my life, and it breaking my heart and my mind.

Christian Forums and Message Board

Re: I'm scared, help...
« Reply #2 on: December 20, 2012, 11:47:13 AM »

Offline chosenone

  • Global Moderator
  • King James Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 23358
  • Manna: 476
  • Gender: Female
    • View Profile
Re: I'm scared, help...
« Reply #3 on: December 20, 2012, 12:08:32 PM »
I am not sure why you felt that as a Christian you needed to let this go and overlook his behaviour before you married. I think that God was waving BIG BIG red flags and yet you married him anyway. It doesn't sound to me as if he is a Christian either, and his behaviour is anything but that of a godly man. I am afraid that you have married a cheat and a flirt and because of that I have no idea what to advise. Of course you are right to get upset about his flirting, its appalling behaviour and very disrespectful to you, but what did you expect?
IF he is a believer I would recommend that you see your pastor and get some good marriage counselling. I would strongly advise against having children with him at this time, because unless he gets serious about God and changes dramatically, he may well never change. He showed you his true colours very early on and you ignored that.

Christian Forums and Message Board

Re: I'm scared, help...
« Reply #3 on: December 20, 2012, 12:08:32 PM »

Offline JohnDB

  • Global Moderator
  • The Force
  • *****
  • Posts: 117496
  • Manna: 189
  • Gender: Male
  • scarey isn't it?
    • View Profile
Re: I'm scared, help...
« Reply #4 on: December 20, 2012, 12:22:20 PM »
No I understand that, and that is why I try very hard not to, but I do try and use it when he wont try and understand why I get upset when he flirts with other woman. He does not seem to understand what he does wrong, all he can say is trust me/ she means nothing/ don't be so paranoid and stupid, I love you I'm married to you aren't I. So I try get him to understand the only way I know how to, brute force. The truth hurts, but its still the truth.

He doesn't see us as being apart. Everytime I tell him its how I feel he will say "Well I don't feel that way, your being silly my kitten, I love you and would be lost without you in my life. I don't want to loose you" I'm really starting to wonder on that last part though.

I am a firm believer in the three truth tale (my story, his story and then the truth) but I have tried to be as unbiased as I can towards this as I really need help. I Love him very much, and I know in his way he loves me. But love is slowly not enough anymore and I'm scared that this is going to be our relationship for the rest of my life, and it breaking my heart and my mind.

You say this part that I bolded like it is different than the "normal" way.
Care to expand a bit on that?

Let me assist with a few questions.

Which behaviors of his make you think that he loves you? (not words he says.)

Which behaviors make you think that he doesn't love you. (again...not words he says)

What could he do that would make you feel more loved?

Because if you took out all his words that he says about his feelings...what is left in the relationship that shows his affections for you which are different than affections for the whole world?

I am asking this because of your last part you said:
Quote
I'm scared that this is going to be our relationship for the rest of my life

guys are extremely slow to change...(never mind the reasons behind it all...just take it for fact at the moment)
We need some kind of emergency to change our behavior...an immediate reaction to a changing circumstance.
And your irritation with his behavior needs to be more substantial than just bruised feelings and your fussing. (holy hell needs to break out) Cold nights out on the couch, cold dinner, and etc.  Promises that alimony for his behavior is very expensive.  That sort of thing.

All of this is just to give you ammunition for what you are wanting. But somewhere along the line you are not his best friend...no matter what he claims. His sharing of his personal feelings has not happened when it comes to other women. Does he find them physically attractive? What about their quirks?

(FYI my wife knows these thoughts of mine about others in our circle)



And when you catch him flirting with another woman you can tell him that his words mean nothing to you...his actions did all the speaking for him during his flirting.
« Last Edit: December 20, 2012, 12:31:01 PM by JohnDB »

Christian Forums and Message Board

Re: I'm scared, help...
« Reply #4 on: December 20, 2012, 12:22:20 PM »



Offline johndoo

  • Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 185
  • Manna: 6
    • View Profile
Re: I'm scared, help...
« Reply #5 on: December 20, 2012, 12:31:14 PM »
No matter what the faith issues are, you should do marriage counseling and personal counseling.  There may be some passive-aggressive behavior going on here also. 

There is great pain involved with infidelity and your hurt comes through in your post.  Why won't he come to bed?  Are there intimacy issues?
 

Christian Forums and Message Board

Re: I'm scared, help...
« Reply #5 on: December 20, 2012, 12:31:14 PM »

Offline Aura01

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 3
  • Manna: 0
  • (T)ogether (E)veryone (A)chieves (M)ore
    • View Profile
Re: I'm scared, help...
« Reply #6 on: December 21, 2012, 03:42:36 AM »
This is normal for me i guess, now that I think about it. My mother and father have the same type of relationship (they are still married), so I know nothing ells. My mother has always drilled us as children with what we could and could not do as Christians and I am the type of person who hates to be disappointed or to disappoint. I was taught if you loved someone you forgive and forget, no matter what they do because God does it for all  of us each day. My husband does not believe in getting people involved in our problems. While we were dating I went to see a counselor because I wanted to be a better person for him. I did have major issues back then from abuse and a rape. So as you can guess my self esteem is very very low. When I told him what I was planning, he said if I cannot change on my own, how can someone ells help me. When I asked him if he would go see someone with me recently he said no, why should we when there is no problem, its all in my head. As for him not coming to be with me, his computer keeps him away. From the moment I get home to way after i go to bed he is on his computer. And if I even try get his attention all I get is "ill help you now i just want to finish here" or "Your going to hate me I have just started this quest and I cant hit pause" Now I'm not asking him to stop playing all together, but still.

I just feel he doesn't really care about how I feel about things, what I would like to do or how I feel when we are in public. Everything is always about what he wants, when he wants it and how he wants it.  Now I know I'm being selfish, but I feel I have a right considering I always cancel my plans so we can do what he wants (Yet again I am a weak person) as for what he does to show me he loves me, I could really not answer that question for you. I have defended him so may times from people, now I'm starting to wonder why he keeps me around, because I really am not needed for anything besides cooking, cleaning, and warming the bed so when he gets in it not cold. I do feel like he wont change, we have been having the same fight over and over and over, and he refuses to understand why I get upset, he doesn't understand it. He never talk to me about anything that bugs him or upsets him, so i have to sit and feel like I have done or said something wrong, because when I do confront him he says there nothing wrong.

about a year ago we were living out on a farm in the middle of the bush, the closest town was about a 30 min drive, but I loved it (as I was raised on a farm) I was not allowed to visit friends or stay out late because he didn't want me to come in alone at night in case someone tried to steel my car or rape me. Which I though was sweet because it showed he cared. Yet one night we were out watching rugby and I had just healed from the ectopic pregnancy so i tired quickly. When I told him this he said he wanted to stay, I felt so bad I let him stay and I drove myself home at 10pm, later that night at about 11:30 I herd my dogs go crazy, when I opened the curtain to see what was happening and my dogs were not in the yard. I tried to call my husband and all his friends but no one answered their phones. So I climbed up the rocky slope trying to find my dogs. By the time 12:15 came by I left home to go stay with my best friend. When he got home at 3 am and I wasn't home he tried calling me. I said I was spending the night at Sam's  because I was upset he didn't come home earlier and that when I tried to call he didn't answer, he could come get me when he was ready to talk and be reasonable. The following morning I woke up at 9. 10 rolled on, 11 rolled on 12 rolled on and I had not herd anything from my husband. I messaged him to find out what was happening he said he was with his mates  and on his way home, I could come home when I was ready... I was so hurt and so despondent I just went home crawled into my bed and cried, while my husband sat at his computer.

I know I have bought this on myself and need to just deal and get on, but I have seen what this kind of relationship has done to my mother, I don't know if I could survive the way she did, because she turned to drink, I cannot go that way...

Offline Gracey

  • Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 211
  • Manna: 8
  • Learning as I go
    • View Profile
Re: I'm scared, help...
« Reply #7 on: December 22, 2012, 02:59:19 AM »
To be honest, he sounds like a doofus.   He is saying all the 'right' things but his actions are all wrong.  It's not words you want, but action.  His actions, such as refusing to take you to the places you love (like dancing) and sitting all night on his computer and not talking to you, or leaving you to fend for yourself - those sound like the actions of a irresponsible, adult-child.   He wants to have the security of a 'marriage' but he also wants to behave like a single guy.   It doesn't work.

From what you say, he is is doing a nice job of making you think like it's all your fault.  He's exploiting your low self esteem in order to make you think that HIS bad behaviour, is just all in your head.   The problem is, his bad behaviour probably makes you act irrational and clingy and needy, and then he can point back to your reaction, and blame it on you.  It's a vicious cycle and you're stuck!

I just mentioned this book on another thread but it really did change my thinking; Love must be tough by James Dobson.  Have a read and look at setting boundaries in this marriage.   As you say, it's all about HIS needs and not yours.  That's not a marriage...not really!

I think you need to continue the counselling, not to become a better person for 'him', but to grow strong for yourself, and develop some self worth.  If you get some belief in yourself, you might be a lot less willing to put up with nonsense from him.

Offline anx

  • Senior Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 573
  • Manna: 16
    • View Profile
Re: I'm scared, help...
« Reply #8 on: December 22, 2012, 12:48:24 PM »
I agree with some counseling for your u. Mainly to figure out what is going right and what needs fixing.

Wanting to make a spouse happy is good but you need to find a way to have you happy at the same time. Books that speak to you might also be a great start or go good with counseling. An alternative to counseling could be talking with a pastor or church staff.

There is a book entitled boundaries that might be a good start too.

Your problems are fixable, but will take work and be rocky as you fix them. Please start that path. It will take time.

Christian Forums and Message Board

Re: I'm scared, help...
« Reply #8 on: December 22, 2012, 12:48:24 PM »