what to do with my husband

[ipodmama]

Hi I have been married for 4 years and me and my husband have two kids together, both under 3.  My husband is a nice guy can be very thoughtful, kind and loving. He is a hard worker and a good dad and provider for the family. But He has a bad temper and when he gets mad he blows up from all the stress and things that bother him. When he gets upset and blows up he yells at me and calls me horrible names,cuts me down mentally and physically. He cuts down my family, and also gets upset at the kids. He has thrown things in the past.After he is done being upset then he is ok again and asks for forgiveness.  We have started to see the pastor of our church about this since I told him enough was enough.  But we have a mutual friend of ours that is going through a divorce and we have been texting each other and talking to each other on the phone, about his divorce and my problems. I have started to get butterflies and am looking forward to each text and times we talk on the phone. I think I might be starting to have feelings for him. He is so nice to me, he compliments, tells me that I have a pretty smile, and is a great guy all around. He opens up to me about everything, and I can talk to him about everything without having to worry about him getting mad or using it against me. He has never got upset with me  or yelled or be littled me in any way shape or form. My husband says that he loves me, but I'm not sure I see it. I don't honestly know if I still love my husband or not anymore. When he yells at me and calls me names I just feel numb I feel no pain at all. shouldn't I have that pain if I still love him? I'm very confused about all this and need some help advice or guidance.
thanks
Ipodmama

[graceforme]

I don't want to come across as being judgmental, but there's no line between right and wrong in these situations.  And I only want you to be fully aware of what you're doing and how it will affect your life.

Are you and your husband both Christians?  You need to give serious consideration to what God has ordained for husbands and wives.  Love and respect.  Not abuse.  And certainly not a relationship with another man. 

Many extra-marital affairs are born out of a situation just like yours.  And no good will come of it.  It's sin.  You are a married woman.  You are either giiving your marriage top priority or you're not.  If you are serious about working out your marital problems, then do it.  If not, then get out.  If so, then stop the interaction with the other man RIGHT NOW and determine that you will do everything you can to save your marriage.  After all, you have made a commitment and have children to think about.  I'm not suggesting that you stay in an abusive relationship, but you have to make up your mind which direction you will go.  If your husband is going to counseling voluntarily, it sounds like he is trying to find the right way and willing to get help and change his behavior pattern.  These things aren't solved overnight and it may take time.  Are you willing to give him a fair chance?  Or are you leading him on with the couseling, only to be having this "relationship" behind his back? 

I don't want to come across as being totally supportive of your husband and against you.  Please forgive me if that's how I seem.  You haven't said that your husband is seeing anyone else, only that you are embarking into this other relationship. 

These issues are never easy, but we need to stay focused on what God's Word says.  In Ephesians we find that the husband is the head of the woman, and she is subject to him, but at the same time, he is to treat her with love and respect.  There is much responsibility on both sides.

I will be lifting you, your husband and your children up in prayer.  Please seek God in this matter.  God ordained marriage, not adultery.  He will be more than willing to guide you if you seek Him.

Keep looking up!
God Bless.

[BAH-BLAH]

Drop all contact. Your husband was once a guy who you got butterflies about too. he is the same guy. there are issues needing resolved. he cannot compete with the titillation of the "new". Nor should he have to. In fact I assure you the texting is making the other issues worse, even if you dont know it.

Drop the guy, confess it all....it will break husbands heart....get into counsel, and heal. It will work...God wants your marriage to work.

[ipodmama]

You have no idea how deeply wounded I am from my husband. I have been called horrible names, told I'm stupid, fat, ugly, can't do anything right, i'm a bad mother. I have been pushed, and kicked once when he was mad. I feel nothing anymore except the feeling that I am trapped here forever until I die in this marriage. My husband pays no attention to me while i'm talking, he just ignores me and then says say that again I was not listening. he goes to work and comes home and watches tv he does not always help with the children. I have tried love and respect but the more I do for my husband the more he takes advantage of it and does less for me. He never tells me I'm pretty, I ask how much do you love me  he says alot I say what is a lot? he says I don't know.
Ipodmama

[Mac]

No offense to the OP, but have you all ever noticed that when we get pleas for help, that they often times take this course. The first post is, "I do not know what to do, blah, blah, blah, I am so confused, blah, blah, blah... Then when the responses sent are not the ones they want, they all of a sudden seem more "solid footed" in how they feel? I really do find it amazing. Your husband went from good father, husband, etc.. to "He is the devils brother", after the responses.

Well, at the risk of being redundant, stop what you are doing. Allow the Lord to do the work. Turn your marriage over to Him. Lay your marriage at the feet of Jesus. What you are doing is wrong. As the other poster said, You are married to a guy who once gave you butterflies as well.

I am not insinuating this "mutual friend" isn't a nice guy, but of course he is nice to you. He can't achieve his goals by being a rear end can he? No.

You need to leave this man alone before something happens that shouldn't. And by the way, he is no "mutual" friend. A FRIEND would not try to do what he is doing.

[OldDad]

Hi I have been married for 4 years and me and my husband have two kids together, both under 3.  My husband is a nice guy can be very thoughtful, kind and loving. He is a hard worker and a good dad and provider for the family. But He has a bad temper and when he gets mad he blows up from all the stress and things that bother him. When he gets upset and blows up he yells at me and calls me horrible names,cuts me down mentally and physically. He cuts down my family, and also gets upset at the kids. He has thrown things in the past.After he is done being upset then he is ok again and asks for forgiveness.  We have started to see the pastor of our church about this since I told him enough was enough.  But we have a mutual friend of ours that is going through a divorce and we have been texting each other and talking to each other on the phone, about his divorce and my problems. I have started to get butterflies and am looking forward to each text and times we talk on the phone. I think I might be starting to have feelings for him. He is so nice to me, he compliments, tells me that I have a pretty smile, and is a great guy all around. He opens up to me about everything, and I can talk to him about everything without having to worry about him getting mad or using it against me. He has never got upset with me  or yelled or be littled me in any way shape or form. My husband says that he loves me, but I'm not sure I see it. I don't honestly know if I still love my husband or not anymore. When he yells at me and calls me names I just feel numb I feel no pain at all. shouldn't I have that pain if I still love him? I'm very confused about all this and need some help advice or guidance.
thanks
Ipodmama

Weren't you on here a few months ago saying you weren't sure you still loved the guy because he didn't help with the house work or kids, and that he didn't spend the amount of time with you that you thought he should?

Hi, I a stay at home mom to two kids, a 10 month old and a 2 year old. my husband and I have been married going on 4 years in april. My problem is this: I resent my husband. let me explain this as I know it sounds strange. When I'm at home all day with the kids, running after them, cleaning up there messes, feeding them, and getting the house clean, supper on the table and the laundry done, I feel very overwhelmed. When my husband comes home from working a 9 1/2 hour shift he is usually tired. So I end up cleaning up the kitchen after supper and bathing the kids, reading them books and getting them off to bed. My biggest issue is that I have no time to relax, and do something for myself. my husband watches tv with the kids while I do dishes after supper. But he watches tv while I wash the kids, and get them ready for bed. He gets to relax after he comes home from work and I never do. when i try to tell him this he just gets upset and says I won't watch tv. All I would like is 5 or 10 minutes by myself during the day after he comes home from work. I don't think that is to much to ask. during the day I tell myself that i'm going to be nice and decent to my husband when he comes home. but once he is here I usually end up being very snippy, demanding, and generally upset. And I end up feeling like I am doing it all and that is why I feel like I resent my husband. I love him and care about him, and he is a great husband and provider for us. He is never lazy about working he is always trying to find extra ways to make money for us. he always makes sure the me and the kids are well provided for. I just wish that our marriage could be like it was when we were first married. we spent time together, we made love more, we seemed to enjoy each others company. I used to  get excited about seeing my husband when he would come home from work , and I do now somewhat but it sure doesn't come across like that.  If anyone has some advice or suggestions or anything I would really appreciate some feedback.
thanks,
Frustrated

Seems to me that you want out, and you're looking for a justification.

[ipodmama]

I would love to know why it is that people who call themselves christian are always judgement, egotistical, arrogant, snobby jerks. it always is this way. I thought that maybe I would actually get some good solid counsel root in gods word with maybe some encouragement for doing the right thing, but boy was I wrong, with the results I'm getting I would have gotten better advice if I had just stopped someone off the street and asked them. I did not come on this board to be cut down  and beat over the head with a stick, did anyone think that maybe I didn't say everything in the first post because I'm ashamed of my husbands behavior toward me and ashamed of the fact that I allow this to happen?  But everyone loves to be a critic. Last time I do anything with this board.

[Bocephus]

I would love to know why it is that people who call themselves christian are always judgement, egotistical, arrogant, snobby jerks. it always is this way. I thought that maybe I would actually get some good solid counsel root in gods word with maybe some encouragement for doing the right thing, but boy was I wrong, with the results I'm getting I would have gotten better advice if I had just stopped someone off the street and asked them. I did not come on this board to be cut down  and beat over the head with a stick, did anyone think that maybe I didn't say everything in the first post because I'm ashamed of my husbands behavior toward me and ashamed of the fact that I allow this to happen?  But everyone loves to be a critic. Last time I do anything with this board.

You don't want God's counsel, you want someone to say what you can do is alright.  A true friend, a true Christian will not be apathetic and let you go down a dangerous path without saying something.

[Mac]

I would love to know why it is that people who call themselves christian are always judgement, egotistical, arrogant, snobby jerks. it always is this way. I thought that maybe I would actually get some good solid counsel root in gods word with maybe some encouragement for doing the right thing, but boy was I wrong, with the results I'm getting I would have gotten better advice if I had just stopped someone off the street and asked them. I did not come on this board to be cut down  and beat over the head with a stick, did anyone think that maybe I didn't say everything in the first post because I'm ashamed of my husbands behavior toward me and ashamed of the fact that I allow this to happen?  But everyone loves to be a critic. Last time I do anything with this board.

I believe everyone of us gave you good, Godly advice on how to proceed. I think the rub started because you didn't get the support (agreement) you were looking for.

Look, with all due respect, what did you expect? You call us judgemental.. Based upon what? That we truthfully shared with you what you should do? As I have stated to others before, water is wet and fire is hot... I am not judging water or fire. Just stating a known fact about fire and water. Am I judgemental for calling a thief a thief? What if I call a liar a liar? Nope. Just stating the facts.

Honestly, giving the advice is easy. You following it, is the tough part.

You want Bibical advice? OK. You need to die to yourself and follow the Lord's will for your life and marriage. That means not worrying about what he (husband) is doing and you concentrate on the Lord. YOU do what the Lord would want for your life.. What is that? Well, I would say at a minimum, follow His example and Word.

1. STOP all contact with YOUR male friend. You are a married woman. And, your "friend" knows that...
2. Dive into the Word with the Lord. Meditate on Him. Seek His wisdom and guidance.
3. Lift up your husband as a BROTHER in Christ... Pray, Pray, Pray... Not for the husband in him but for the Christian relationship you SHOULD have with your husband.
4. Read number 1 again. That behavior is wrong. Sorry.

Well, I hope that helps. God Bless.
Mac

[walker starr]

         Stuff and nonsense  the husband in this situation should learn hoe to treat his wife decently or he deserves
          to lose her.  No one deserves to be treated the way he is treating her.  That having been said Ipodmama
          best be warned.  She is just the vulnerable type that bush hunters consider fair game.  When they get what
          they want they leave their victim high and dry.
          I think I've plainly stated the facts as they have been told in the original post.  What to do to save this family
          besides Pray I don't Know.  Perhaps some kind knowledgeable ladies will help.  But,don't be piling all the blame on
          this poor woman.  I have already started praying.  Thank you JESUS,Amen.
                                                                                                                         Walker

[OldDad]

I thought that maybe I would actually get some good solid counsel root in gods word with maybe some encouragement for doing the right thing, but boy was I wrong,

No that's exactly what you got form those who said get into some counseling and cut off contact with the pretend boyfriend.  THAT is good solid counsel and encouragement for doing the right thing.

But you called the people who told you that: judgement, egotistical, arrogant, snobby jerks.

[graceforme]

I would love to know why it is that people who call themselves christian are always judgement, egotistical, arrogant, snobby jerks. it always is this way. I thought that maybe I would actually get some good solid counsel root in gods word with maybe some encouragement for doing the right thing, but boy was I wrong, with the results I'm getting I would have gotten better advice if I had just stopped someone off the street and asked them. I did not come on this board to be cut down  and beat over the head with a stick, did anyone think that maybe I didn't say everything in the first post because I'm ashamed of my husbands behavior toward me and ashamed of the fact that I allow this to happen?  But everyone loves to be a critic. Last time I do anything with this board.

Boy, did your attitude change in a hurry!  Why?  Because you didn't hear what you wanted to hear from everyone?  In the first post, your husband was a loving, good dad, good provider - blah, blah, blah.  Now, all of a sudden he's a verbal and physically abusive jerk who doesn't have a clue as to how to treat you.  I said in my original post that if you didn't want to mend the marriage, to get out.  Couldn't be more clear than that.  I also said that no one should stay in an abusive relationship.

But, finding another man and committing adultery IS NOT the answer. 

If your husband is willing to go to counseling, then maybe you should consider it as an option.  If he's going, but not heeding the godly counsel he's receiving, then he's not any more serious about saving your marriage than you are.  And I don't feel that you are really serious about it, as you are having a relationship with another man.

Hey, it's up to you.  Do whatever you want, but don't jump all over those of us who are trying to lead you in God's direction when you seem to be drifting the other way.  We are not judgmental - after all, you asked, didn't you?

Keep looking up and take godly counsel for what it's worth, and in my opinion you've received some wonderful godly advice from the good folks here.

God Bless.

[yesult]

Hi I have been married for 4 years and me and my husband have two kids together, both under 3.  My husband is a nice guy can be very thoughtful, kind and loving. He is a hard worker and a good dad and provider for the family. But He has a bad temper and when he gets mad he blows up from all the stress and things that bother him. When he gets upset and blows up he yells at me and calls me horrible names,cuts me down mentally and physically. He cuts down my family, and also gets upset at the kids. He has thrown things in the past.After he is done being upset then he is ok again and asks for forgiveness.  We have started to see the pastor of our church about this since I told him enough was enough.  But we have a mutual friend of ours that is going through a divorce and we have been texting each other and talking to each other on the phone, about his divorce and my problems. I have started to get butterflies and am looking forward to each text and times we talk on the phone. I think I might be starting to have feelings for him. He is so nice to me, he compliments, tells me that I have a pretty smile, and is a great guy all around. He opens up to me about everything, and I can talk to him about everything without having to worry about him getting mad or using it against me. He has never got upset with me  or yelled or be littled me in any way shape or form. My husband says that he loves me, but I'm not sure I see it. I don't honestly know if I still love my husband or not anymore. When he yells at me and calls me names I just feel numb I feel no pain at all. shouldn't I have that pain if I still love him? I'm very confused about all this and need some help advice or guidance.
thanks
Ipodmama

Ipodmama, the guy who you are getting feelings for is not a nice guy or he wouldn't be paying so much attention to a married woman. His own divorce is not an excuse to try to steal someone elses wife. That isn't respect, it's deceit. Even if it isn't outrightly planned. And if he'll treat someone elses marriage with that kind of lack of respect, how will he treat you if end up with him in the long term and he isn't happy? Besides that the bible does tell us that sexual sin is the only allowable clause for divorce and re-marriage. It doesn't say that we have to live with an abusive partner (and your husband does sound horribly abusive, I'm so sorry you're suffering that kind of treatment, it certainly isn't Gods will for you) but you are still bound in a covenant before God regarding divorce.

Sometimes leaving a partner (if they won't seek counselling and arn't willing to work on their issues) is the best thing we can do because it provides the kind of wake-up call that a partner needs. If your husband isn't willing to change, then he'll probably be the one to cheat or file for a divorce, because abusive people can tend to need someone in their life to take their treatment because others won't tend to put up with them and they can get very lonely. That puts the ball in his court so to speak and lets you off the hook in the relationship if he does end it and frees you before God to remarry.
However if he does care enough to save his marriage then he has space to work on it and prove to you how much he's changed before you go back. (And if he hasn't changed enough or slips back into old habits, you can always move out again until it's really different.)

God is a God of mercy and love who doesn't expect any of us to be treated like a punching bag or a scapegoat for someone elses bad treatment. Marriages can also only thrive when there is mutual respect, and your children are learning how to do marriage sub-conciously through both your actions. Unfortunatly many children who grow up in abusive marriages end up as perpetrators or victims in the same kinds of marriages because they're sub-conciously drawn to and start re-enacting the dynamics that are the most 'normal' to them.

However God also takes marriage covenants very seriously. He calls any marriage outside of divorce through sexual sin 'adultary'. If you feel comfortable talking to the pastor or a strong christian in your church, they may be able to advise you or direct you to a christian counsellor. The bible says in Prov 30 "Under three things the earth trembles, under four it cannot bear up: a servant who becomes king, a fool who is full of food, an unloved woman who is married, and a maidservant who displaces her mistress.

God sees a marriage where a woman is unloved as this serious. It's definatly not his will for you.

God bless and I'll be adding my prayers for you. And don't hesitate to ask people for prayer for your situation because prayer is really important and the more the better. If people don't respect it then ignore them. God wants us to pray to him and seek him so he can heal us and our lives. Christ went through a horrific death so that we can have that, and he did it through freewill.

Sherri

[chosenone]

I agree with much of what has been said. Whatever is or is not happening in the marriage, starting this wrong relationshop with another man is plain wrong. He isnt a nice man, he is playing around with the emotions of another mans wife while he is still married himself.
If he was a decent man he wouldnt be doing that. It is easy to be nice to a person and to say nice things etc when you are not in a full time marriage, but he needs to try and sort out his own marriage and leave you to sort your out. For whatever reason his marriage ended, maybe find out why that is happeneing  before you fall for him even more.
turn away form this other man, stop ALL contact and concentarte on your husband. To have a relationshop now would be disastrous. Please put your children first, the mess that an affair would cause will hurt them so much.

[yesult]

Agree. And just as a PS, if you fall into the snare of adultary, you're severly damaging your chances of finding another good man in the future if your marriage does end. It's just not worth it.