Author Topic: Why Do Men Leave Their Wives?  (Read 5984 times)

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Offline Bob Williams

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Why Do Men Leave Their Wives?
« on: December 08, 2003, 05:48:19 PM »
Families are being torn apart in every segment of our society.  Divorce is no longer the shame worn only by other people outside our circle of friends and family. The destroying of the home is now happening close to home.  It’s now happening to our closest friends, our brothers and sisters at church, our loved ones, our family members.  It’s now happening to us.

My concern has led to the birth of a research project seeking to understand why men physically and/or emotionally leave their wives. The knowledge and material gained is intended to be used in various teaching efforts such as seminars, books, articles, and other teaching methods and materials.  Whether you’re a husband or a wife, married or divorced, a man or a woman, your input may help save and improve some marriages and prevent some divorces.

Please leave a message or email me ([email protected]) with your helpful and insightful comments.  Some questions you might wish to address are:

1. What were the contributing factors that caused you to leave your wife and family?  
2. What is happening in your life that is perhaps causing you to feel like leaving?  
3. If your husband left you, what was said or done (or not said or done) that brought about such?  
4. Are there various contributing factors that seem to be more frequently present at various stages of life and marriage?
5. Do you have any suggestions as to how those factors or circumstances might be altered to prevent the demise of other marriages?

Notice: Your responses, whether by posted message or by email, are greatly appreciated and may be reproduced with the provision that real names will never be used.  Please provide an anonymous signature as a reference for possible use in future publication (i.e., Bob from Alabama, Joe from Ohio, etc.).  

Thank you for your help, and please pray for me that this material may be used effectively to make a difference in the lives of others.

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Why Do Men Leave Their Wives?
« on: December 08, 2003, 05:48:19 PM »

Offline Serenity432001

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Why Do Men Leave Their Wives?
« Reply #1 on: December 09, 2003, 06:01:07 AM »
Bob,

I am a female who has been divorced and for what it is worth I don't mind sharing my story.  I was raised in the cofC and my marriage was the first in generations to fall apart.  In fact I stayed in my marriage partly for that reason. I am a preachers daughter and was taught the only reason out was if he had an affair.  To make a long story short I was married for 9 years.  I got married for all the wrong reasons--first mistake and use to tell myself well, you've made this bed so you must lie in it.  It was not  physically abusive, well, not a lot but it was very mental and emotionally abusive.  We went to counseling and treatment for addictions.  It was in treatment that I learned that I was not responsible for his happiness and I began to change.  Basically, I quit apologizing and taking blame for everything that went wrong and he couldn't handle it.  I started setting boundaries and we ended up divorced.  I am now in a very loving marriage and have been for over 11 years.  We have our differneces and our struggles and our huge arguments but the big difference is that we respect one another's boundaries and we both have our own personal relationship with God and we don't depend on one another to make each other happy.  I want you to know that you are in my prayers and God will see you thru wherever life takes you.

In Him,

Lisa P

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Why Do Men Leave Their Wives?
« Reply #1 on: December 09, 2003, 06:01:07 AM »

Offline janine

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Why Do Men Leave Their Wives?
« Reply #2 on: December 12, 2003, 05:31:39 AM »
I have been told that my view is not helpful-

I tend to boil it all down to "If I would be less selfish and more loving things would flow and I'd not have these horrible thoughts of leaving him."

Perhaps there does come a time when you've absorbed all you can absorb.  

I'm leaning more toward "setting limits", as was mentioned above.  It's making the ride even bumpier.  I will continue to change and grow, though, I'm not stopping.  

<grin> He'll just have to catch up.

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Why Do Men Leave Their Wives?
« Reply #2 on: December 12, 2003, 05:31:39 AM »

Offline david johnson

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Why Do Men Leave Their Wives?
« Reply #3 on: December 15, 2003, 02:33:12 AM »
i divorced my first wife because she proved to be a treacherous wench.  her 'extra curriculars' didn't set well w/me!

dj

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Why Do Men Leave Their Wives?
« Reply #3 on: December 15, 2003, 02:33:12 AM »

Offline Zaphod

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Why Do Men Leave Their Wives?
« Reply #4 on: December 16, 2003, 02:01:09 PM »
This topic saddens me deeply because my marriage is, even now, well aground and in immenent danger of failing.

Janine is essentially right. In our case, we were (and are) both guilty of great selfishness, and it has poisoned the relationship. I have since come around, but she is extremely hurt and not very willing to try again.

We have two little girls (2 and 3)!  :cry:

The only thing that has kept me going (we've been separated since July) is a belief that either way this goes, it is the Will of God, and that He has things He needs me to do for Him on my own.

He and I have an agreement, you see!  ;)

I am blessed that our situation will not end with hatred, and we will likely remain friends. It's part of what makes me so sad. If THAT is true, why NOT try and make it work?

sigh...

I guess that's what happens when you pick your spouse without getting God's blessing first......  :(

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Why Do Men Leave Their Wives?
« Reply #4 on: December 16, 2003, 02:01:09 PM »



Offline charlie

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Why Do Men Leave Their Wives?
« Reply #5 on: December 18, 2003, 10:28:21 AM »
[!--QuoteBegin--][/span][table border=\"0\" align=\"center\" width=\"95%\" cellpadding=\"3\" cellspacing=\"1\"][tr][td]Quote [/td][/tr][tr][td id=\"QUOTE\"][!--QuoteEBegin--]I guess that's what happens when you pick your spouse without getting God's blessing first......  [/quote]

Ask for God's blessing NOW. Do whatever it takes to win back your wife. It could go either way, but I'll tell you this; it is definitely God's will that you two get back together and raise those two little girls under one roof.

I'm praying for both of you.

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Why Do Men Leave Their Wives?
« Reply #5 on: December 18, 2003, 10:28:21 AM »

Offline Zaphod

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Why Do Men Leave Their Wives?
« Reply #6 on: December 18, 2003, 04:59:44 PM »
[!--QuoteBegin--][/span][table border=\"0\" align=\"center\" width=\"95%\" cellpadding=\"3\" cellspacing=\"1\"][tr][td]Quote (charlie @ Dec. 18 2003,11:28)[/td][/tr][tr][td id=\"QUOTE\"][!--QuoteEBegin--][/quote]
[!--QuoteBegin--][/span][table border=\"0\" align=\"center\" width=\"95%\" cellpadding=\"3\" cellspacing=\"1\"][tr][td]Quote [/td][/tr][tr][td id=\"QUOTE\"][!--QuoteEBegin--]Ask for God's blessing NOW.[/quote]

ALready have, and He has delivered.

[!--QuoteBegin--][/span][table border=\"0\" align=\"center\" width=\"95%\" cellpadding=\"3\" cellspacing=\"1\"][tr][td]Quote [/td][/tr][tr][td id=\"QUOTE\"][!--QuoteEBegin--]Do whatever it takes to win back your wife. It could go either way, but I'll tell you this; it is definitely God's will that you two get back together and raise those two little girls under one roof. [/quote]

I'm not so sure. As much as I know He hates divorce, the fact remains that she refuses to bend, and has rejected outright my efforts to bring faith into it at all.

It's a very complex situation, but I try to remember that the Lord gives you what you NEED, not necessarily what you WANT.

I have turned the issue over to Him. I will try one last time to reconcile after the Holidays. If it fails, then I must move on. I've been like this for six months, and continuing is going to help no one and may even make it worse.

Either way, the Lord and I are going to walk together. He will guide me wherever it is He wants me.

[!--QuoteBegin--][/span][table border=\"0\" align=\"center\" width=\"95%\" cellpadding=\"3\" cellspacing=\"1\"][tr][td]Quote [/td][/tr][tr][td id=\"QUOTE\"][!--QuoteEBegin--]I'm praying for both of you.[/quote]

Thank you. I am very appreciative.

Offline Serenity432001

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« Reply #7 on: December 19, 2003, 03:35:03 AM »
Zaphod,  I agree that it may not be God's will for you to get back together and I know that is so hard for people to understand unless they have been there.  My children were 2 & 6 and they are now 15 & 19 and I feel very confident that it was not God's will for me or my kids to stay in that marriage.  I do believe God hates divorce but I don't think he's crazy about being in an abusive situation either.  The point is God's plan may be perfect but we are not.  Sometimes there are no "good" choices and we have to seek his wisdom to choose the best of the bad.  In my case, God blessed me richly with a wonderful mate who has been a terrific father.  You are and will be in my prayers.  Sounds like you are keeping in close contact with God and that's exactly what you need to be doing for His will will be done and you, your children and your wife will all be in his care regardless of the outcome of your marriage.  May God blee you richly.

In Him,

Lisa P.

Offline Roman

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Why Do Men Leave Their Wives?
« Reply #8 on: December 19, 2003, 01:39:16 PM »
My wife and I have experienced struggles in some of the same key areas for our entire marriage, even while we served in positions of leadership within the church. We attended the retreats and went to some of the lectures and had some of the date night ministries that churches offer for marriage enrichment, but nothing seemed to offer us much for the long term. We would have a great couple of weeks, but it would always return to the same level of misery sooner or later and every time it did, it felt more hopeless than the time before.
 
After a while I closed down from my wife and started pulling back. Not intentionally, but I always had another place I would rather be than with her - school, work, racquetball, movie with a friend…anything. I stopped picking fights with her and started feeling that any fight we may have would just be worthless and exhausting, so why bother. I stopped feeling pretty much all together when it came to my wife. I was numb.
 
Then I met someone else who made me feel admired and loved. In my mind I knew I would never cheat on my wife so I started finding reasons and excuses to spend time with this other woman believing myself to be beyond temptation. I knew I would never leave my children but I found myself constantly thinking of this other woman and felt tortured at the thought of not being able to spend my life with her in place of my wife who no longer created any spark at all within me. In short, I fell in love with someone else.
 
Finally one night after work I gave in and kissed the other woman. After kissing her I climbed into my car alone and drove home. I quit my job and the next day in a very calm unapologetic voice I told my wife about the other woman. I didn’t tell her because I was sorry or because I felt intense guilt for what I had done. I told her because I knew if I didn’t I would have given in completely to this other woman and lost my son, my daughter, my purpose in life and everything else of value to me, except for this other woman. I still had no feeling for my wife. My wife seemed completely surprised when I told her of how empty I felt in our marriage which in turn surprised me. She left me that night devastated that I could betray her in such a way. I knew in my mind I was wrong and should be ashamed, but I still felt too numb to feel any sincere guilt or repentance. Although I had severe doubt as to the good it would do for us, we ended up going to a class offered by Family Dynamics to try to repair the damage,. I no longer believed anything had the power to create long term change and happiness because too many things had already failed. In all honesty, I probably just went hoping to be able to justify the divorce I hoped would soon be coming.
 
 I was shocked to find out I was wrong. It blew me away and God used it to completely save my marriage. Not everything was solved in the class, we still have issues we need to address. We still have to face issues of trust from the years we spent losing it, but we are absolutely in the marriage I had grown to believe was impossible. We not only have a strong commitment that enables us to tolerate each other through hard times. We also have a deep and sincere love. Not just the determined kind of love, but the romantic, intimate, and heart felt sacrificing love we had gone so long without feeling. We have something real and permanent, not something only inspirational and temporary. We had moments of tears and then laughter, followed by moments of realization and understanding that I can’t begin to describe. Above all, we found hope and we found change.

 I haven’t contacted the other woman even once since the night I kissed her even though I still have a lot of guilt over the pain I caused her, all because I was too selfish to stop myself from getting close to her. I caused a lot of pain to people I care a great deal about because I felt hopeless and became convinced there was no hope

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Why Do Men Leave Their Wives?
« Reply #8 on: December 19, 2003, 01:39:16 PM »

Offline Twiglet

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« Reply #9 on: December 20, 2003, 01:24:22 AM »
Thank you for sharing Roman - you will never know how much it helped.

Offline janine

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« Reply #10 on: December 24, 2003, 07:27:32 AM »
Thanks Roman.

I have sort of been there - we both were.  Both of us under a lot of stress and financial strain and separated for months by a job- we both of us almost fell into affairs.

In fact the only thing that saved me was the other man's reluctance to hurt my marriage! I was a mess.

Mike and I decided it just wasn't a good idea to be apart that long ever again.

We were blessed after that with a time of falling in love all  over again, getting back that emotional love to link with the determined phileo/agape.  It was magic.

That was way back in the late 80's.

Since then there've been ups and downs; right now is definitely a very low ebb in anything tender and nurturing and loving between us.  Sometimes I think we'd have fallen apart long ago if it weren't for the sex- and even that, which was a sort of glue for the marriage in previous rough times, is suffering now.

Y'all spare us a prayer, ok?

ConnieLard

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Why Do Men Leave Their Wives?
« Reply #11 on: February 22, 2004, 08:54:12 PM »
My now ex-husband left me and our two sons about ten years ago.  He had been a deacon and a song leader in the church. We had been married for 21 years.  We both came from Christian homes, in fact, both of our dads were preachers. We had read all the books and been to the seminars. Ours had not been a perfect marriage, but I thought we were growing stronger and getting along fine.  He became involved with a woman at work and that was it.  Never explained why. I still don't understand it and neither do my sons.  I agonized for a long time over what I could have done differently to prevent our breakup.  Finally had to let it go and move on.

I would like to be able to look back and see what went wrong so that others could learn from  our tragedy, but I can't.  I did learn that I cannot control what someone else does, only what I do. I learned that God will never leave me nor forsake me.  I learned that He really does work things out for my good, and that He still has a plan for my life. In other words, all those promises in the Bible still apply to me even though I have experienced the devastation of divorce.
 
Rather than looking at how to prevent divorce, we must look at how to become more Christ-centered and Spirit-controlled.  That is what really matters.    :itsraining:

P.S. This is just a suggestion and I hope you will take it in the spirit in which it is offered.  It would be kinder if you would use a word other than "shame" in referring to divorce.  Perhaps, "pain" or "devastation" would do.  We who have experienced divorce don't need anyone else to judge us or anything else to tear us down.  Thanks!