Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope

[Texas Conservative]

I have expressed those concerns to my wife. It seems headed for heartbreak and loneliness, but they do not hear that message when they think they're "in love". I continue to pray for my wife daily. I am technically still married at this time, so have not given up hope that she will see the devastation she is causing with this selfish decision.

"In love"? What a bunch of hooey. Usually people cheat because they are not being fulfilled in their marriage in some area, no? I highly doubt they are in love. Love does not develop during an adulterous affair. It is all lust.. and perhaps support of some kind that she is not getting from you.

Or she's just not a great person.

I liked your first response better. 

I agree. Some people are just creeps and they hide it well for years.

There are some women who derive their identity at least outwardly from the man they are with, I think in large part to snag the man.  Then they get tired of it, of waiting for the man they found to "become who they thought he could be" and want to find someone else.  The want the initial passion of a new relationship, and will eventually move on for a new one when they current flame becomes stale.

[His Kid]

I have expressed those concerns to my wife. It seems headed for heartbreak and loneliness, but they do not hear that message when they think they're "in love". I continue to pray for my wife daily. I am technically still married at this time, so have not given up hope that she will see the devastation she is causing with this selfish decision.

"In love"? What a bunch of hooey. Usually people cheat because they are not being fulfilled in their marriage in some area, no? I highly doubt they are in love. Love does not develop during an adulterous affair. It is all lust.. and perhaps support of some kind that she is not getting from you.

Or she's just not a great person.

I liked your first response better. 

I agree. Some people are just creeps and they hide it well for years.

There are some women who derive their identity at least outwardly from the man they are with, I think in large part to snag the man.  Then they get tired of it, of waiting for the man they found to "become who they thought he could be" and want to find someone else.  The want the initial passion of a new relationship, and will eventually move on for a new one when they current flame becomes stale.

You described a worldly woman, not a Godly one.

[Texas Conservative]

I have expressed those concerns to my wife. It seems headed for heartbreak and loneliness, but they do not hear that message when they think they're "in love". I continue to pray for my wife daily. I am technically still married at this time, so have not given up hope that she will see the devastation she is causing with this selfish decision.

"In love"? What a bunch of hooey. Usually people cheat because they are not being fulfilled in their marriage in some area, no? I highly doubt they are in love. Love does not develop during an adulterous affair. It is all lust.. and perhaps support of some kind that she is not getting from you.

Or she's just not a great person.

I liked your first response better. 

I agree. Some people are just creeps and they hide it well for years.

There are some women who derive their identity at least outwardly from the man they are with, I think in large part to snag the man.  Then they get tired of it, of waiting for the man they found to "become who they thought he could be" and want to find someone else.  The want the initial passion of a new relationship, and will eventually move on for a new one when they current flame becomes stale.

You described a worldly woman, not a Godly one.

Some wordly women play Godly ones outwardly.

[His Kid]

I have expressed those concerns to my wife. It seems headed for heartbreak and loneliness, but they do not hear that message when they think they're "in love". I continue to pray for my wife daily. I am technically still married at this time, so have not given up hope that she will see the devastation she is causing with this selfish decision.

"In love"? What a bunch of hooey. Usually people cheat because they are not being fulfilled in their marriage in some area, no? I highly doubt they are in love. Love does not develop during an adulterous affair. It is all lust.. and perhaps support of some kind that she is not getting from you.

Or she's just not a great person.

I liked your first response better. 

I agree. Some people are just creeps and they hide it well for years.

There are some women who derive their identity at least outwardly from the man they are with, I think in large part to snag the man.  Then they get tired of it, of waiting for the man they found to "become who they thought he could be" and want to find someone else.  The want the initial passion of a new relationship, and will eventually move on for a new one when they current flame becomes stale.

You described a worldly woman, not a Godly one.

Some wordly women play Godly ones outwardly.

But that is still a worldly woman. My point is, this woman is supposedly a Christian. I say nay nay.

[mommydi]

Some wordly women play Godly ones outwardly.

So true. Same with worldly men who wear a Christian mask to hide their true selves. The mask always comes off - sooner or later.

[dashreeve]

Good points Texas, definitely having a lawyer look over the paperwork.

[dashreeve]

I have certainly questioned that as well (her true commitment to God). Since I was deceived and betrayed and see a somewhat different person now in some of our interactions. It shows me some dishonesty that is not very attractive. I realize there is little to no hope for saving my marriage, but my path is the same either way - to honor God in my words, thoughts, actions. I am technically still married and will honor and respect her. Of course, I would honor and respect anyone I suppose, but I mean as a spouse. I really appreciate all of this input and welcome more. It is very enlightening to see the views, many I have not considered. Thank you all again for the words of advice.  By the way, I start my divorce care support group tomorrow and am very excited about that, then faith based counseling on Thursday. should be a great week of continued healing.

[mommydi]

I'd like to commend you, dashreeve, for your willingness to join the divorce care support group and the faith based counseling program. I do hope these steps will help greatly in your healing from this painful situation.

[chosenone]

I have certainly questioned that as well (her true commitment to God). Since I was deceived and betrayed and see a somewhat different person now in some of our interactions. It shows me some dishonesty that is not very attractive. I realize there is little to no hope for saving my marriage, but my path is the same either way - to honor God in my words, thoughts, actions. I am technically still married and will honor and respect her. Of course, I would honor and respect anyone I suppose, but I mean as a spouse. I really appreciate all of this input and welcome more. It is very enlightening to see the views, many I have not considered. Thank you all again for the words of advice.  By the way, I start my divorce care support group tomorrow and am very excited about that, then faith based counseling on Thursday. should be a great week of continued healing.

 

I went on a divorce recovery workshop, a 6 week course. Its was quite helpful, many found it more helpful than I did, I was still too numb and in shock to really benefit even after a year. If I had gone a year or so later I think it would have helped more. 

[dashreeve]

Thank you so much. Yes, the first in person support group for me is tonight, and I am very excited about it. The people that are helping me through (pastor / biblical scholar friend) really feel that I have a powerful and inspirational testimony to be heard. I have made so many positive changes and look forward to the bright future that God will lead me to. It is still very painful everyday, but God has given me a great deal of strength in developing the ways I cope with the pain. My pastor said, "when you're walking through the fire, keep walking." So that's what I'm doing.

[His Kid]

Thank you so much. Yes, the first in person support group for me is tonight, and I am very excited about it. The people that are helping me through (pastor / biblical scholar friend) really feel that I have a powerful and inspirational testimony to be heard. I have made so many positive changes and look forward to the bright future that God will lead me to. It is still very painful everyday, but God has given me a great deal of strength in developing the ways I cope with the pain. My pastor said, "when you're walking through the fire, keep walking." So that's what I'm doing.

When my first husband divorced me, the pain was so intense I literally didn't think I would survive it. When I would go to sleep at night I thought it was very possible the pain would physically kill me. The weird thing is, I was very unhappy in that marriage. He was just mean and abusive. I think divorce is extremely difficult no matter what. There is nothing good about it. I did not join a support group. I never thought that would have been helpful. Maybe it would have been. It took me a very long time to get over the rejection, even into my second marriage.

[dashreeve]

I can certainly relate, I did not know I would make it through at times. I still have not "made it through" at this point, but God has given me a lot of strength / peace / patience in coping with the pain. The first 4 weeks were absolutely excruciating. I have been getting so much better at coping with the pain, it does not completely take my focus now and seems to occur less and less each day. My schedule is packed with dinner with friends / support groups / counseling / gatherings - I am feeling a good deal of confidence and have a great hope for my future. I have so many great friends that take the time for me and are there to help / listen. I guess I'm seeing that I may have lost my marriage, but I have a lot of wonderful gifts in my life and a positive future.

[His Kid]

I can certainly relate, I did not know I would make it through at times. I still have not "made it through" at this point, but God has given me a lot of strength / peace / patience in coping with the pain. The first 4 weeks were absolutely excruciating. I have been getting so much better at coping with the pain, it does not completely take my focus now and seems to occur less and less each day. My schedule is packed with dinner with friends / support groups / counseling / gatherings - I am feeling a good deal of confidence and have a great hope for my future. I have so many great friends that take the time for me and are there to help / listen. I guess I'm seeing that I may have lost my marriage, but I have a lot of wonderful gifts in my life and a positive future.

It does sound like you are truly blessed. You will make it through and one day, the pain will be gone.

[dashreeve]

Thank you so much. Yes, I do feel very blessed with God's love. Although I am only a little over four weeks into the grieving, many friends seem drawn to me for help with dealing with their divorce / marriage issues. I am obligated to listen / help if I can. Many have asked for my prayers as well.

[chosenone]

I can certainly relate, I did not know I would make it through at times. I still have not "made it through" at this point, but God has given me a lot of strength / peace / patience in coping with the pain. The first 4 weeks were absolutely excruciating. I have been getting so much better at coping with the pain, it does not completely take my focus now and seems to occur less and less each day. My schedule is packed with dinner with friends / support groups / counseling / gatherings - I am feeling a good deal of confidence and have a great hope for my future. I have so many great friends that take the time for me and are there to help / listen. I guess I'm seeing that I may have lost my marriage, but I have a lot of wonderful gifts in my life and a positive future.

  You are very fortunate, it was years and years before I got over my first marriage ending and I had very little support.  I do think that man tend to have more help, people seem so think that women can cope and should just get on with it, even when they have children to look after as well as their own deep pain.

[dashreeve]

Thank you chosen, I am improving emotionally faster than I thought I would, but am still very early in the process. This WILL take at least a year or more before I am mentally / emotionally / spiritually restored. But yes, I have had some amazing support and have no idea what I would have done without that over the last month. The pain is still there, strong as ever, bit I have put it in God's hands and am getting so much better coping with it.

[Texas Conservative]

I can certainly relate, I did not know I would make it through at times. I still have not "made it through" at this point, but God has given me a lot of strength / peace / patience in coping with the pain. The first 4 weeks were absolutely excruciating. I have been getting so much better at coping with the pain, it does not completely take my focus now and seems to occur less and less each day. My schedule is packed with dinner with friends / support groups / counseling / gatherings - I am feeling a good deal of confidence and have a great hope for my future. I have so many great friends that take the time for me and are there to help / listen. I guess I'm seeing that I may have lost my marriage, but I have a lot of wonderful gifts in my life and a positive future.

  You are very fortunate, it was years and years before I got over my first marriage ending and I had very little support.  I do think that man tend to have more help, people seem so think that women can cope and should just get on with it, even when they have children to look after as well as their own deep pain.

Some of us men also have children to look after as well.  I think men are better at pushing emotions aside.

[His Kid]

I can certainly relate, I did not know I would make it through at times. I still have not "made it through" at this point, but God has given me a lot of strength / peace / patience in coping with the pain. The first 4 weeks were absolutely excruciating. I have been getting so much better at coping with the pain, it does not completely take my focus now and seems to occur less and less each day. My schedule is packed with dinner with friends / support groups / counseling / gatherings - I am feeling a good deal of confidence and have a great hope for my future. I have so many great friends that take the time for me and are there to help / listen. I guess I'm seeing that I may have lost my marriage, but I have a lot of wonderful gifts in my life and a positive future.

  You are very fortunate, it was years and years before I got over my first marriage ending and I had very little support.  I do think that man tend to have more help, people seem so think that women can cope and should just get on with it, even when they have children to look after as well as their own deep pain.

I think honestly nobody ever gets over a divorce. Not really. We move on with our lives and they may be really awesome lives, but the damage done by a divorce leaves permanent scars.

[dashreeve]

I certainly agree with that, this will always be a permanent scar. I believe I will learn a lot from this for my future too.

[dashreeve]

Well, she came to drop off some money she owes me today. I can sense that she has no feelings for me at all, but I remain positive. I have accepted the reality that there is about 0% chance that I will be able to reconcile with her, there is nothing in her heart for me. That's not to say that I have given up hope, but my main focus is still myself. Her license came through yesterday, so she should start working her 150k / year job on Monday. I can't help but be proud of her achievement with the career. I am sad that it is not part of our future we planned for the last 3 years though. I have been doing so great coping with the emotions of this lately but it certainly stings a bit when I see her in person and she has no care for me at all. Quickly channeled that anxious feeling into extra motivation for a quick workout though  I came to this forum for hope, but as I continue to focus on self and improve mentally / physically / spiritually, I have a new (and more) hope for my future. I really feel that in a couple years, I will be able to offer a great relationship to the right person - someone who would never betray or deceive me, or break out marriage vows.

[His Kid]

Well, she came to drop off some money she owes me today. I can sense that she has no feelings for me at all, but I remain positive. I have accepted the reality that there is about 0% chance that I will be able to reconcile with her, there is nothing in her heart for me. That's not to say that I have given up hope, but my main focus is still myself. Her license came through yesterday, so she should start working her 150k / year job on Monday. I can't help but be proud of her achievement with the career. I am sad that it is not part of our future we planned for the last 3 years though. I have been doing so great coping with the emotions of this lately but it certainly stings a bit when I see her in person and she has no care for me at all. Quickly channeled that anxious feeling into extra motivation for a quick workout though  I came to this forum for hope, but as I continue to focus on self and improve mentally / physically / spiritually, I have a new (and more) hope for my future. I really feel that in a couple years, I will be able to offer a great relationship to the right person - someone who would never betray or deceive me, or break out marriage vows.

I have to be honest, I'm totally shocked that you even want her back after she betrayed you in the worst possible way. She doesn't deserve you. She's not worth your tears.

[dashreeve]

I do know that I want my marriage vows to be a one time thing (this is my first, and I hoped only marriage, her second). So yes, I would do anything to save my marriage. I did forgive her and have shown her nothing but God's love in this situation. As I mentioned, I did let her know that it was wrong / dishonorable / not blessed by God, but felt compelled that I had to tell her those things based on my knowledge of the scripture and my Pastor's view on the situation. I also want to be able to look back on things and know that I did what was right - act with character and grace and do everything I could to stand by my vows. I will be able to sleep well at night soon, and will never have to look back knowing that I lied / deceived / betrayed / broke my vows.

[His Kid]

I do know that I want my marriage vows to be a one time thing (this is my first, and I hoped only marriage, her second). So yes, I would do anything to save my marriage. I did forgive her and have shown her nothing but God's love in this situation. As I mentioned, I did let her know that it was wrong / dishonorable / not blessed by God, but felt compelled that I had to tell her those things based on my knowledge of the scripture and my Pastor's view on the situation. I also want to be able to look back on things and know that I did what was right - act with character and grace and do everything I could to stand by my vows. I will be able to sleep well at night soon, and will never have to look back knowing that I lied / deceived / betrayed / broke my vows.

You can still do all those things and not want her back at the same time. Forgiveness doesn't mean you continue in the harmful relationship.

After my first husband divorced me, he wanted me back a year later. I felt obligated because he was 'my husband', even though we were already divorced. So, as a good little Christian girl, I married him again. The abuse was even worse the second time and he ended up kicking me out of the house again. Worst mistake I ever made aside from marrying him the first time. I caution you against it.

[dashreeve]

That's a very good point, and God does give me a lot of hope that he will place the right relationship in my path in the future. Someone loyal that respects and admires me for the man that I am. I have a close friend that I have been helping in his marriage (ironic, I know). His wife had an affair and they reconciled, now he is miserable and she is not giving him many reasons to trust her. That example certainly rings loud for me. My wife appears 100% set on following through with the divorce, so, if it is God's will, I will be free from her when the divorce is complete.

Thank you (and everyone) again for your input, more is welcome - this really helps me a lot.

[His Kid]

That's a very good point, and God does give me a lot of hope that he will place the right relationship in my path in the future. Someone loyal that respects and admires me for the man that I am. I have a close friend that I have been helping in his marriage (ironic, I know). His wife had an affair and they reconciled, now he is miserable and she is not giving him many reasons to trust her. That example certainly rings loud for me. My wife appears 100% set on following through with the divorce, so, if it is God's will, I will be free from her when the divorce is complete.

Thank you (and everyone) again for your input, more is welcome - this really helps me a lot.

That is what the Lord did for me. I am now married to a man who is the complete opposite of my first husband. He is completely loyal and respectful and loving and loves the Lord with all his heart.

[dashreeve]

Thanks for that. I am starting to realize that my wife isn't really interested at all in a God loving man that is a spiritual leader in his household. She is more interested in being selfish I guess? I can't understand why she would want to be with a man that has his character, pursuing another man's wife. Just seems so wrong, but like I said, I guess I really didn't know her after 15 years :(

[His Kid]

Thanks for that. I am starting to realize that my wife isn't really interested at all in a God loving man that is a spiritual leader in his household. She is more interested in being selfish I guess? I can't understand why she would want to be with a man that has his character, pursuing another man's wife. Just seems so wrong, but like I said, I guess I really didn't know her after 15 years :(

I'm so sorry. :(

God will work all things for good according to His riches in Jesus.

[dashreeve]

Thank you and I do agree. I think he has some great things in store for me.

[Texas Conservative]

Thanks for that. I am starting to realize that my wife isn't really interested at all in a God loving man that is a spiritual leader in his household. She is more interested in being selfish I guess? I can't understand why she would want to be with a man that has his character, pursuing another man's wife. Just seems so wrong, but like I said, I guess I really didn't know her after 15 years :(

She checked out far earlier than you found out.  She was most likely going through the motions with you until something better came along.

[chosenone]

I can certainly relate, I did not know I would make it through at times. I still have not "made it through" at this point, but God has given me a lot of strength / peace / patience in coping with the pain. The first 4 weeks were absolutely excruciating. I have been getting so much better at coping with the pain, it does not completely take my focus now and seems to occur less and less each day. My schedule is packed with dinner with friends / support groups / counseling / gatherings - I am feeling a good deal of confidence and have a great hope for my future. I have so many great friends that take the time for me and are there to help / listen. I guess I'm seeing that I may have lost my marriage, but I have a lot of wonderful gifts in my life and a positive future.

  You are very fortunate, it was years and years before I got over my first marriage ending and I had very little support.  I do think that man tend to have more help, people seem so think that women can cope and should just get on with it, even when they have children to look after as well as their own deep pain.

Some of us men also have children to look after as well.  I think men are better at pushing emotions aside.

Most children do live mainly with the mum.

[mommydi]

  I think men are better at pushing emotions aside.

Not in this forum.  Mercy, I won't even go there.

[His Kid]

  I think men are better at pushing emotions aside.

Not in this forum.  Mercy, I won't even go there.

 

[mommydi]

dashreeve, may I ask a few more questions, please? Can you tell us a bit more about how you and your wife met and if either of you were in relationships at the time of your meeting? You mentioned you had children by previous relationships (marriages?) You also mentioned your wife's lover is someone she's had a relationship with in the past? Did you and your wife start your marriage with God's blessing? Would you say your relationship with God and current views on marriage developed after your marriage or before?
Thank you so much for answering.

[Texas Conservative]

I can certainly relate, I did not know I would make it through at times. I still have not "made it through" at this point, but God has given me a lot of strength / peace / patience in coping with the pain. The first 4 weeks were absolutely excruciating. I have been getting so much better at coping with the pain, it does not completely take my focus now and seems to occur less and less each day. My schedule is packed with dinner with friends / support groups / counseling / gatherings - I am feeling a good deal of confidence and have a great hope for my future. I have so many great friends that take the time for me and are there to help / listen. I guess I'm seeing that I may have lost my marriage, but I have a lot of wonderful gifts in my life and a positive future.

  You are very fortunate, it was years and years before I got over my first marriage ending and I had very little support.  I do think that man tend to have more help, people seem so think that women can cope and should just get on with it, even when they have children to look after as well as their own deep pain.

Some of us men also have children to look after as well.  I think men are better at pushing emotions aside.

Most children do live mainly with the mum.

In the US and A that is starting to change.  Default in my state is 50/50 if both parents want to be involved.  There are more and more women deciding to be narcissistic schmucks.  Equality in that respect isn't good

[Texas Conservative]

  I think men are better at pushing emotions aside.

Not in this forum.  Mercy, I won't even go there.

I would say that is true even for this forum.  Men might get angry, run their mouth at one another and then go get a beer together.  Non alcoholic of course.

Another past time for men is to dig at each other on purpose.  Granted some men have no humor.