Author Topic: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope  (Read 5983 times)

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mommydi

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Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
« Reply #70 on: Wed Jan 27, 2016 - 15:17:37 »


In the US and A that is starting to change.  Default in my state is 50/50 if both parents want to be involved.  There are more and more women deciding to be narcissistic schmucks.  Equality in that respect isn't good

A lot of times, the "narcissistic schmuck" part is drug related. There's an epidemic of drug use (primarily heroin right now) that's breaking up homes. More and more grandparents (and great-grandparents) are raising multiple grandchildren because of this drug addiction issue. Sad, sad, sad, that so many kids hardly know their own parents, and when they do, they know them as dope heads.

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Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
« Reply #71 on: Wed Jan 27, 2016 - 15:40:22 »


In the US and A that is starting to change.  Default in my state is 50/50 if both parents want to be involved.  There are more and more women deciding to be narcissistic schmucks.  Equality in that respect isn't good

A lot of times, the "narcissistic schmuck" part is drug related. There's an epidemic of drug use (primarily heroin right now) that's breaking up homes. More and more grandparents (and great-grandparents) are raising multiple grandchildren because of this drug addiction issue. Sad, sad, sad, that so many kids hardly know their own parents, and when they do, they know them as dope heads.

In my ex-wife's case and in the case of a cousin about the same age, it's not drug related.  Just selfishness. 

Offline dashreeve

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Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
« Reply #72 on: Wed Jan 27, 2016 - 15:47:04 »
Yes, you can ask any questions, I really like to answer questions. We had known each other for yours before we started dating. We were both single and available when we started dating. I was raised in church, but have not been a practicing Christian all of my life. I have strayed many times, sometimes for years. I have done plenty that I regret. We were not married in a church, we were married at the country club my wife worked at. My wife had battled several addictions, and at one point when we were dating I ended the relationship due to alcohol / drug abuse. This breakup inspired her to join AA and NA, and she renewed her commitment to Christ. She met the man she is currently with in AA, and while we were still close and talked almost daily, we were not romantically involved. She continued the relationship with him and I was ok with it. At some point, I felt that I had made a mistake and realized I had a great deal of love for her in my heart. I told her this. She later broke things off with him and we got back together, eventually leading to our marriage. Our marriage was blessed by God in my eyes, but part of her justification to leave the marriage is that it wasn't. I am not sure if that is her new boyfriend's view or hers alone. I have not been a practicing Christian for the better part of our marriage. In self reflection, I could have been much more disciplined in many areas of my life. If the consequence is losing my wife, then I accept it. However, I was never unfaithful or dishonest with her.

Having an upbringing in church, my views on marriage have not changed. I knew the vows I was taking and knew I would honor them 'til death.
« Last Edit: Wed Jan 27, 2016 - 20:48:03 by dashreeve »

Offline dashreeve

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Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
« Reply #73 on: Thu Jan 28, 2016 - 11:40:08 »
Just a quick update. Had a real tough time emotionally yesterday after she came by to drop off some money she owes me. Can certainly sense that there is no love in her heart for me at all, and that hurts a bit. On a positive note, my weight-loss is still going great, although I'm hitting the part where a bit more work is needed to continue. Had Divorce care last night (very helpful) and my one on one faith based counselor tonight. Looking forward to it.

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Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
« Reply #74 on: Mon Feb 01, 2016 - 09:04:54 »
I have more faith based counseling this week, still cannot give up hope on my marriage even though I am given 0% chance in reality. My Pastor was inspired by my faith in this difficult time, and said I should keep believing that I will reconcile unless God releases me. The pain is still very bad each day, so I don't know if I should pray for God to release me from the marriage or continue to pray that I will honor him in my marriage / thoughts / words / actions (that's been part of my daily prayers for 5 weeks now). My seminary friend that has been walking the path with me felt that if my desire is to honor God, that I should make that part of my daily prayer for this year, but it's getting tough to do the daily patience part.

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Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
« Reply #74 on: Mon Feb 01, 2016 - 09:04:54 »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
« Reply #75 on: Mon Feb 01, 2016 - 11:23:22 »
I have more faith based counseling this week, still cannot give up hope on my marriage even though I am given 0% chance in reality. My Pastor was inspired by my faith in this difficult time, and said I should keep believing that I will reconcile unless God releases me. The pain is still very bad each day, so I don't know if I should pray for God to release me from the marriage or continue to pray that I will honor him in my marriage / thoughts / words / actions (that's been part of my daily prayers for 5 weeks now). My seminary friend that has been walking the path with me felt that if my desire is to honor God, that I should make that part of my daily prayer for this year, but it's getting tough to do the daily patience part.

Carry on until the divorce is completed. I think you said it will only take another 2 months?  Tell the enemy to take his hands off your marriage.
It will hurt, its still very early days for you yet.

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Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
« Reply #76 on: Mon Feb 01, 2016 - 16:06:04 »
Thank you chosen, I will continue that prayer along with my regular daily prayers. My pastor also got me a bible study plan today since I finished Proverbs. I was reading it with the first 31 days of my Oswald Chambers book. I can see the reality of my situation and have also researched and had help from counseling to understand my wife's thought process in the affair. Reality says I have little chance to reconcile, but I have a great teammate in my corner. Thank you for reading and responding, your encouraging words help more than you know.

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Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
« Reply #77 on: Wed Feb 03, 2016 - 23:39:27 »
Thank you chosen, I will continue that prayer along with my regular daily prayers. My pastor also got me a bible study plan today since I finished Proverbs. I was reading it with the first 31 days of my Oswald Chambers book. I can see the reality of my situation and have also researched and had help from counseling to understand my wife's thought process in the affair. Reality says I have little chance to reconcile, but I have a great teammate in my corner. Thank you for reading and responding, your encouraging words help more than you know.



 I have heard many marriages where there was restoration but in the end God will not take away her free will. She may well come to her senses eventually but it may be long after the divorce. Relationships that begin with cheating hardly ever last, hers probably wont, but that's for her to find out.Hopefully she will then come to repentance with God and be open to His working in her.  My husbands first wife's affair ended on the day that he married me which was sort of ironic. She is still alone 11 years later. 

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Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
« Reply #78 on: Thu Feb 04, 2016 - 07:39:13 »
I am giving her the space to pursue her free will. I did tell her that her actions do not honor god (breaking vows / infidelity / betrayal). Maybe things will work out for them, but I just don't see how God could bless a love born of betrayal and deceit. I also realize that there is a chance that things will not work out with them and it will be long after God has led me down a path that would not allow reconciliation. I will continue to get through the grieving process. My pastor said that God will release me when it is time.

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Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
« Reply #78 on: Thu Feb 04, 2016 - 07:39:13 »

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Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
« Reply #79 on: Thu Feb 04, 2016 - 07:41:52 »
I am giving her the space to pursue her free will. I did tell her that her actions do not honor god (breaking vows / infidelity / betrayal). Maybe things will work out for them, but I just don't see how God could bless a love born of betrayal and deceit. I also realize that there is a chance that things will not work out with them and it will be long after God has led me down a path that would not allow reconciliation. I will continue to get through the grieving process. My pastor said that God will release me when it is time.

He is right.  Give it time.  And don't make emotional decisions.

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Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
« Reply #80 on: Thu Feb 04, 2016 - 12:26:35 »
Good advice Texas, my counselor warned about that as well. Being very patient with any major decisions I make.

Offline planetshaker

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Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
« Reply #81 on: Thu Feb 04, 2016 - 21:13:18 »
Hang in there man I personaly think she will ditch the guy and try to get back with you. Don't beg or plead with her just be supportive. Show confidence be a happy person. In time she figure out this other guy is a loser. A good book to read is stop my divorce by homer mcdonald . This book is awesome what you are doing right now is very similar to the book. Another read is called the four marriage killers it can be found on the internet criticism, contempt, defenciveness, stonewalling. But other than that she dropping in time to time or making phone calls shows that she's testing the waters. You definately left the door wide open for reconciling. A women wants an alpha male with a strong confidence about himself. You left that mark when you was supportive not vise-versa. Good luck

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Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
« Reply #82 on: Thu Feb 04, 2016 - 23:08:47 »
Hang in there man I personaly think she will ditch the guy and try to get back with you. Don't beg or plead with her just be supportive. Show confidence be a happy person. In time she figure out this other guy is a loser. A good book to read is stop my divorce by homer mcdonald . This book is awesome what you are doing right now is very similar to the book. Another read is called the four marriage killers it can be found on the internet criticism, contempt, defenciveness, stonewalling. But other than that she dropping in time to time or making phone calls shows that she's testing the waters. You definately left the door wide open for reconciling. A women wants an alpha male with a strong confidence about himself. You left that mark when you was supportive not vise-versa. Good luck

Dashreeve,

I would once again stress not to even make decisions about possible reconciliation based upon emotion.  This close to finding out about an affair and divorce papers you are in hurt, in emotional pain, you life is basically upside down.  I've been there, done that, and got the t-shirt.  I can say you are not completely thinking clearly.

As far as this comment about an alpha male, I would say it is more like cuckold, or a "plan b."

Even if you decide down the road to reconcile, you need some serious time alone without your very likely soon to be ex-wife for healing.

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Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
« Reply #83 on: Fri Feb 05, 2016 - 08:56:08 »
Thanks Planet and Texas. Very good points. I understand that reconciliation would have happened nearly immediately, or WAY down the line. I have considered those point Texas, and would need to analyze things with a clear mind should that opportunity come. I realize I am not in an emotional state to make long term decisions about anything right now, but I do believe in marriage and want to save my marriage. After my heart is put back together, I may not see her the same way I have for the last 15 years. I may see a person lacking in character / honesty / integrity. A selfish person hurting anyone in her path to pursue her selfish desires. I do know that God will only leave love and compassion in my heart for her, but it may not be the type of love you would need to have for a spouse.

I do consider daily the disrespect that she and her affair partner have shown me and our marriage. I also notice from my support group (online and physical support groups) that reconciliation does not seem to be that common. I continue my path regardless of my wife's decisions, and it looks to be a very good path with God leading the way.

Planet, the books you recommend seem to be close to the Divorce Remedy book I read. I was doing most of those things before I got the book, but added some things after reading the book (such as resisting my constant urges to call / email / text my wife). They do suggest a more "don't care / as if" type of attitude, but I will not manipulate or compromise myself or my beliefs. I do care and will not act as if I do not, but I pray for silence when I know I will see her for dog swap days. I am definitely working on ME and moving forward with or without her. I will continue to treat her with love and compassion, as I would any human being. I will also continue to give her time / space and stay out of her way as she chases after her desires.

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Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
« Reply #84 on: Fri Feb 05, 2016 - 09:36:02 »
I am giving her the space to pursue her free will. I did tell her that her actions do not honor god (breaking vows / infidelity / betrayal). Maybe things will work out for them, but I just don't see how God could bless a love born of betrayal and deceit. I also realize that there is a chance that things will not work out with them and it will be long after God has led me down a path that would not allow reconciliation. I will continue to get through the grieving process. My pastor said that God will release me when it is time.
 

I think that you will be released when you are divorced.
« Last Edit: Fri Feb 05, 2016 - 09:40:11 by chosenone »

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Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
« Reply #85 on: Fri Feb 05, 2016 - 09:52:18 »
I think that as well, she started back to work and still waiting for the refinance to go through before signing. Then papers have to be sent to state to get court date (even for simple non-contested divorce). So it will be at least 2 months if not longer. I also anticipate another wave of emotional difficulties when the divorce is finalized.

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Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
« Reply #86 on: Wed Mar 09, 2016 - 10:30:25 »
I think that as well, she started back to work and still waiting for the refinance to go through before signing. Then papers have to be sent to state to get court date (even for simple non-contested divorce). So it will be at least 2 months if not longer. I also anticipate another wave of emotional difficulties when the divorce is finalized.
I will pray for you. Be strong. Everything eventually ends in this life. We have to learn how to cope with that and we all do. May the peace be with you

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Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
« Reply #87 on: Wed Mar 09, 2016 - 10:50:20 »
Thank you so much Alma. God has given me a lot of peace with things over the last few weeks. I've been able to sleep through the night and am able to focus at work now. Things are definitely getting better, and I thank you so much for your prayers!

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Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
« Reply #88 on: Wed Mar 09, 2016 - 12:23:21 »
I think that as well, she started back to work and still waiting for the refinance to go through before signing. Then papers have to be sent to state to get court date (even for simple non-contested divorce). So it will be at least 2 months if not longer. I also anticipate another wave of emotional difficulties when the divorce is finalized.
 

Yes you will because then its really over, but at least you will know where you are then and can begin to rebuild your life.

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Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
« Reply #89 on: Wed Mar 09, 2016 - 12:31:03 »
Very good point chosen. We are getting the papers ready to sign and should sign over Spring Break for me (21st-25th).

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Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
« Reply #90 on: Thu Mar 10, 2016 - 10:12:08 »
Very good point chosen. We are getting the papers ready to sign and should sign over Spring Break for me (21st-25th).
 

so what happens once you have signed them? Does it take much longer then?

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Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
« Reply #91 on: Thu Mar 10, 2016 - 10:34:37 »
It is supposed to take 45-60 days after signing. The papers have to go to state capital then we have to go in front of magistrate / judge for something when the papers return.

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Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
« Reply #92 on: Thu Mar 10, 2016 - 10:43:59 »
It is supposed to take 45-60 days after signing. The papers have to go to state capital then we have to go in front of magistrate / judge for something when the papers return.

That is long.  After my papers were signed, judge signed and it was official within a week.

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Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
« Reply #93 on: Thu Mar 10, 2016 - 10:47:00 »
Some I've discussed with in other states takes nearly a year. I'm in Florida and just takes administrate processing time I guess? The paralegal will have papers ready to sign next week then they said they have to send the papers to the state for processing.

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Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
« Reply #94 on: Thu Mar 10, 2016 - 10:50:34 »
Some I've discussed with in other states takes nearly a year. I'm in Florida and just takes administrate processing time I guess? The paralegal will have papers ready to sign next week then they said they have to send the papers to the state for processing.

I took mine to trial before papers could be written.  It took 8 and a half months before lawyers could write the orders.

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Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
« Reply #95 on: Thu Mar 10, 2016 - 10:54:11 »
I hope it doesn't take that long for us. She (and the other man I assume) seem to be in a hurry to get things official with the divorce. I'm ok with it as well at this point. Just ready to see what God has planned for my future, and pretty excited about it.

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Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
« Reply #96 on: Thu Mar 10, 2016 - 14:37:34 »
My whole divorce took 8 months, and that was with no real complications.

I am glad that you feel positive. There really is life after divorce.

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Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
« Reply #97 on: Thu Mar 10, 2016 - 14:43:37 »
I do believe that! Thank you!