Christian Forums and Message Board

Christian Interests => Christian Marriage Forum => Topic started by: dashreeve on Mon Jan 25, 2016 - 13:58:05

Title: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: dashreeve on Mon Jan 25, 2016 - 13:58:05
First time poster here smile Might be a bit of a long story. Mt wife told me she wanted a divorce on Christmas day. She felt very bad / guilty about it, but had made the decision and would not consider counseling / working on the marriage. She had gone through an emotional detachment of sorts before gaining the courage to tell me.

We were married 10.5 years, and have been together for ~15 years. I helped put her through nursing school, and most recently CRNA school. She passed her state board exam 12/22/15 (great timing, I know). She gave the reasons - not in love with you anymore, and just not happy in the marriage. Although I was a bit shocked, I didn't have much of an emotional or angry response. I did suspect I was not being told the "whole truth", and probably did inquire with several questions.

This did kick-start a great weight loss program for me. No sleeping or eating for the first few days. I still have to take sleeping pills now, and usually get around 5-7 hours of sleep each night. I am eating three times a day. I received DR Sunday, and read the entire book - couldn't put it down. I have never been unfaithful, never harmed in any way, never raised my voice with my wife. We have accomplished amazing things together.

January 10th, I finally got my wife to admit that she was in love with another man. It did ironically take a lot of tightness / pain from my chest. Before he admittance, I was tormented with wandering thoughts and constant pain. Knowing the truth helped me a lot. I did turn to spiritual health and have had a great deal of support and guidance. My love for my wife has not diminished in any way, and I still have a strong hope that I will be with her again. When she did admit to the love affair, I told her that I support her, and that I want her to be happy and pursue what is in her heart. The depth of my love for her will not allow me to do anything but show her love and compassion. I do want her to be happy.

I had been doing most of the things in the book (both what I should and should not do). It has been a great help. I was so happy that I came to these forums, I was lucky enough to see some situations similar to mine, and many with successful endings. I would love the opportunity to gain wisdom / suggestions from others here, and would love to answer any questions as well.

I've become spiritually strong over the past four weeks. I know it's very early in the process, but I feel like I've been given an ability to love my wife even more. I initially got rid of a lot of junk around the house, emptied every room and cleaned / organized to have peaceful surroundings. I still have a bit to finish, and entire house can be overwhelming to clean / maintain for one person. She is giving me the house, so I am making efforts to make it beautiful. I have been exercising daily and am losing a lot of weight.

What's next for me is more spiritual growth and continued improvement. There is no possible outcome to my situation that is not positive. My wife still calls daily, and did ask about how I was feeling about the news of her love for another. I told her I want her to follow her heart and that she has my blessing.

Even with the blinders of the passionate love affair she has going on, she has commented on several changes. She's very impressed with what I've done with the house. She was very surprised by my haircut and weightloss. She thought I looked "so good" and looked skinny. What meant more to me though, was the things she noticed in my character. She said she thought I would react differently to the news of the divorce, and stated that I have responded in an admirable way, and that it says a lot about my character. Similar to my reaction to her love for another man admittance - she said she expected a very different reaction and again commented that I am a man of high character. Are these the responses that should give me hope? She is madly, passionately in love with another man, and has convinced herself that she is incredibly unhappy in our marriage. But, she continues to compliment me, admires me and thinks I am a man of character? I guess it gives me hope in the sense that I am, in her mind a man of character. With a clear head and a clear heart, how will she view a man's character that would pursue another man's wife? Any thoughts / hope / advice? So far, looks like a lot of patience is in order, but it's emotionally tough most days.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: Texas Conservative on Mon Jan 25, 2016 - 14:09:59
Are there kids involved?
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: dashreeve on Mon Jan 25, 2016 - 15:12:18
thankfully no children, my children are grown (from previous relationships) but we are splitting custody of two dogs right now.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: mommydi on Mon Jan 25, 2016 - 16:45:40
dashreeve, I'm sorry you're going through this painful situation, but honestly...I can't relate. Your wife is getting it on with her lover, and rubbing it in your face, but you tell her to follow her heart, and feel happy that she tosses you a compliment from time to time?
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: chosenone on Mon Jan 25, 2016 - 16:55:56
MY main thought is that you are giving your blessing to something that God condemns so strongly and you are even encouraging her to do it.
 If she is a Christian then she needs to be strongly challenged by her church leaders as to how she is justifying leaving her husband and committing adultery with another man(hopefully he isnt also married), although many will leave church when they are having an affair.

God speaks of bad consequences for those who commit adultery, the relationship will almost certainly fail as most relationships that begin with lying, cheating and deception usually do, and she is also disobeying God. She is making a massive mistake, you shouldnt be encouraging her in anyway. Pray that she will see sense and stop this sinful relationship, no good will come of it. Dont give her any encouragement at all,  love sometimes needs to be tough, and she is heading for disaster and heartbreak. 

IT also seems that she was putting off telling you until she got her course finished which is pretty selfish. 
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: chosenone on Mon Jan 25, 2016 - 16:56:33
dashreeve, I'm sorry you're going through this painful situation, but honestly...I can't relate. Your wife is getting it on with her lover, and rubbing it in your face, but you tell her to follow her heart, and feel happy that she tosses you a compliment from time to time?
 


I SO agree.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: mommydi on Mon Jan 25, 2016 - 17:10:06
dashreeve, do you mind if I ask how old she is? Did you marry a younger woman this time around? Why I ask is - she must have more energy than a 20 year old. To go through nursing school, and then on to CRNA school usually takes every bit of stamina and concentration a person can muster, but to add an affair in the mix? Goodness, she must have some kind of drive. I know someone who just received her CRNA, and she had to put family life totally on hold while she was in school. I'm not doubting what you say, but this woman of yours has some kind of moxie.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: Texas Conservative on Mon Jan 25, 2016 - 17:37:30
She's right, you sound like a man of character.

Unfortunately, it sounds like your soon to be ex wife has very little character.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: dashreeve on Mon Jan 25, 2016 - 20:44:58
Thank you so much for the input everyone. I am "supporting" my wife, I did tell her that it is the wrong decision and not blessed by God in subsequent conversations. I understand that she is somewhat blinded by her emotions and has made some very sketchy justifications for her selfish actions. I have been in love before and know how powerful it is. I was compelled to tell her that it was wrong and dishonorable, that a love born in deceit and betrayal cannot be honoring to God. It certainly fell on deaf ears. I will continue to love / support / honor her until the divorce goes through as that was my covenant with God. So yes, I did tell her I supported her in following her heart but did offer the info about the psychology of what she is experiencing and the biblical side as well. I did this knowing that it might sever and friendly relationship we are currently maintaining. She certainly seems to be getting over the guilt part of it pretty quickly.

Mommydi, she is older than me. I'm 43 and she's 45. The other man actually initiated the pursuit on her 45th birthday when I took her to dinner. I did wonder how she had time for the affair while in CRNA school, since she seemed to have little time for me. I kept the house in the best order I could, handled all finances / most meals etc. As I mentioned, falling head over heels in love certainly lets you work on very little sleep, so I have an understanding of what she's going through. I went through the same thing in the early parts of our relationship 15 years ago. Sadly she doesn't remember that we once felt this same way about each other. She actually dates this same guy before we were married.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: mommydi on Mon Jan 25, 2016 - 21:05:52
Ohh, so she rekindled an old romance? OK, I understand better, now.
Listen, dashreeve. this is not really any of my business, but since you sent her to nursing and CRNA school, I hope you get reimbursement for that in the divorce. As a CRNA, she should be making well over 150k a year, so she can afford to pay you back for that expensive education.
Something else you may or may not know. When a husband has an affair, he will often want to stay with his wife. Men can separate the emotion from the act better than women can. On the other hand, when a wife steps out and has an affair, that's usually a sure sign her relationship with her husband is over. There's probably little chance she will come back. Like I said, I'm so sorry for your pain. Hold your head up and stay strong.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: dashreeve on Tue Jan 26, 2016 - 07:39:41
Thanks mommydi. I do recognize that she emotionally detached herself from me as she developed the relationship with the new man. I have read a lot about the psychology of it and do see that it is not likely that she return. God has shown me that I will come out with a positive future either way. I still will continue to love and honor her until the divorce in final and wish her well in her future at that time. I can certainly feel her heart harden toward me, and can feel the indifference that she has for me and my feelings. I still fight for my marriage everyday in the only way I can, and I will not be deterred by the 0% chance of reconciliation. My path and actions will be the same no matter what tomorrow holds.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: dashreeve on Tue Jan 26, 2016 - 07:41:32
Would like input on something else. My counselor and Divorce Care support group both recommend two years of focus on self before dating, does that sound about right? I was thinking this pain would be here for at least 6 months to a year, but 2 years is a lot of loneliness.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: chosenone on Tue Jan 26, 2016 - 09:07:59
Would like input on something else. My counselor and Divorce Care support group both recommend two years of focus on self before dating, does that sound about right? I was thinking this pain would be here for at least 6 months to a year, but 2 years is a lot of loneliness.


 Jim Smoke, who started the divorce recovery workshop, and who has counselled countless separated and divorced people, recommends 2-3 years after the divorce before dating again. Few men leave it that long because they are desperate to full the void left. Not a good reason to seek another woman in my opinion.
For me it was 4 years before I was emotionally ready to date again, and 2 more years after that before I met my husband.

I am rather concerned that you are already thinking about this when all this has only recently happened. ::eek::
 
Pray that she will see the light, ask others in the church to pray, and ask the elders at your church to challenge her on what she is doing. Until the marriage has legally ended there is hope. Marriages have been restored after affairs.She is heading for disaster otherwise. 
Is the other man married?if so does his wife know?
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: dashreeve on Tue Jan 26, 2016 - 09:29:38
chosenone thank you for your input. I have spoken with my pastor (our pastor really) and my wife and I are in his prayers. I have also had several friends that are ministers / biblical scholars that I speak with regularly and we do pray for her (and me) daily. I am certainly not considering dating or any kind of relationship with a female at this time, just found myself curious about the length of time. I want to be sure I am ready to be a great boyfriend and eventually a great husband in the future. I can't imagine the hurt going away in less than a year or two, but I am certainly taking the advice of my counselor on the time frame. Could very well be longer. I have still not given up hope and know that it will be at least 2 months before the divorce in finalized. I do pray daily that I will honor God in my marriage and will continue my prayer until I am no longer married.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: Texas Conservative on Tue Jan 26, 2016 - 09:41:47
It's been a year and a half since the divorce papers were filed.  I am emotionally ready to date again.  But right now I don't care to do so.

You will get over a lot of it.  It takes time.

I honored my marriage until it was over, but I did not want reconciliation. 
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: dashreeve on Tue Jan 26, 2016 - 10:02:01
Thanks for that Texas, I am doing the same I suppose. In our limited interactions I certainly see things in my wife that are not in the person I knew for the last 15 years. It actually helps me accept things a bit, seems as though she is a new person, someone I might not choose to be with. Of course, she has assured me that there is no chance for reconciliation, so that reality is frequently in my mind.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: chosenone on Tue Jan 26, 2016 - 10:23:43
chosenone thank you for your input. I have spoken with my pastor (our pastor really) and my wife and I are in his prayers. I have also had several friends that are ministers / biblical scholars that I speak with regularly and we do pray for her (and me) daily. I am certainly not considering dating or any kind of relationship with a female at this time, just found myself curious about the length of time. I want to be sure I am ready to be a great boyfriend and eventually a great husband in the future. I can't imagine the hurt going away in less than a year or two, but I am certainly taking the advice of my counselor on the time frame. Could very well be longer. I have still not given up hope and know that it will be at least 2 months before the divorce in finalized. I do pray daily that I will honor God in my marriage and will continue my prayer until I am no longer married.
 

Your pastor is coping out, biblically he needs to go and see her and challenge her on her behaviour. if she wont stop and repent then she is to be excluded from the church. He is failing in his duty.   
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: dashreeve on Tue Jan 26, 2016 - 11:04:12
I was not aware of that, thank you for letting me know. He is aware of the situation, but she has not been to church since she admitted to the affair. Not sure when she'll go again.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: chosenone on Tue Jan 26, 2016 - 11:34:35
I was not aware of that, thank you for letting me know. He is aware of the situation, but she has not been to church since she admitted to the affair. Not sure when she'll go again.



 Those who are cheating nearly always stop going to church. They think they can run away from God.

This may help

'Matthew 18:15-17 (see also Galatians 6:1): The process: If one Christian sins against another, or by extension the church in general, by doing something offensive to God, Matthew 18:15-17 provides a stepped process for handling the issue. The person must be confronted privately and admonished.  If they fail to listen another approach is to be made, this time with witnesses (Numbers 35:30; Deuteronomy 19:15; John 8:17; 2 Corinthians 13:1).  If they still fail to listen the matter is to be referred to the church (1 Timothy 5:20).  If they will still not listen appropriate action must follow.  The clear intention behind this process is to restore someone who has gone astray, maintain order in a church, prevent any tendency towards a blaming, tyrannous culture and provide a basis for appropriate censure, should it be required.

An approach made to a person caught in sin should involve, identifying the sin; explaining how it conflicts with God’s will and character; identifying the harm or hurt inflicted on others; explaining the danger it represents within the church and associating the sin with any harm that has or could befall the church’s witness in the community.'

 Is the OM a Christian and is he married?
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: dashreeve on Tue Jan 26, 2016 - 12:01:38
Thank you chosenone, this is really helpful. I remember when she dated the man before we were married, and they did attend his church together. I assume he is still a christian. They are justifying their behavior to do what they want, so they are not following the scripture as I interpret it.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: chosenone on Tue Jan 26, 2016 - 12:34:31
Thank you chosenone, this is really helpful. I remember when she dated the man before we were married, and they did attend his church together. I assume he is still a christian. They are justifying their behavior to do what they want, so they are not following the scripture as I interpret it.


 Then his church need to speak to him as well. I find it very hard to see how they can possible justify adultery, or her divorcing you.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: dashreeve on Tue Jan 26, 2016 - 12:43:39
I do as well, I will continue to speak with my pastor about this.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: chosenone on Tue Jan 26, 2016 - 15:07:56
I do as well, I will continue to speak with my pastor about this.
  There is no justification. She knows she is sinning, thats why she has left church She has to chose God or her affair. 
My husbands first wife did the same, met a man from work, began a relationship and ended her marriage.  The relationship only lasted a year, he wasnt interested in marriage having been divorced 3 times already, and since then for 11 years she has been alone.
She too tried to justify it, and even when their pastor challenged her and told her that she had no reason to end her marriage, she carried on. Her attitude was 'no one can tell ME that I cant get divorced'  OKKKKAAAAAYYYY, no one except God that is.  ::eek:: 
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: dashreeve on Tue Jan 26, 2016 - 15:12:04
I have expressed those concerns to my wife. It seems headed for heartbreak and loneliness, but they do not hear that message when they think they're "in love". I continue to pray for my wife daily. I am technically still married at this time, so have not given up hope that she will see the devastation she is causing with this selfish decision.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: chosenone on Tue Jan 26, 2016 - 15:16:52
I have expressed those concerns to my wife. It seems headed for heartbreak and loneliness, but they do not hear that message when they think they're "in love". I continue to pray for my wife daily. I am technically still married at this time, so have not given up hope that she will see the devastation she is causing with this selfish decision.
 

Yes there is still hope.

Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: Texas Conservative on Tue Jan 26, 2016 - 15:24:05
There is hope if you want hope.  I chose not to have hope because I didn't want to stay with someone who behaved in such a manner.  Biblically, you can end the marriage with her behavior.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: chosenone on Tue Jan 26, 2016 - 15:31:09
There is hope if you want hope.  I chose not to have hope because I didn't want to stay with someone who behaved in such a manner.  Biblically, you can end the marriage with her behavior.


 It seems that dashreeve is hoping for reconciliation.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: Texas Conservative on Tue Jan 26, 2016 - 15:38:44
There is hope if you want hope.  I chose not to have hope because I didn't want to stay with someone who behaved in such a manner.  Biblically, you can end the marriage with her behavior.


 It seems that dashreeve is hoping for reconciliation.

Chosenone,

This is also very recent.  Emotions can cloud judgement.  It is important for him to know that he is not responsible for her actions.  And that if he cannot get over her actions, even if she were to desire reconciliation (which is most likely not going to happen), he is not not required to do so.

Dashreeve,

While you hope for reconciliation, I hope you also look at the potential divorce with eyes wide open and make sound decisions.  Get a lawyer.  Make sure you look out for your financial well being after the divorce is final.  Don't make emotional decisions.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: dashreeve on Tue Jan 26, 2016 - 15:52:52
Thank you Texas. I have been advised to get a lawyer and will when I get the divorce papers. There is only one asset (house) and she is leaving it to me, I am in the process of refinancing it now and am not signing any paperwork until the house is in my name with her name off of the deed.

On another note, she finally got her license to practice today, she's a rich (financially) woman now.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: chosenone on Tue Jan 26, 2016 - 15:54:41
There is hope if you want hope.  I chose not to have hope because I didn't want to stay with someone who behaved in such a manner.  Biblically, you can end the marriage with her behavior.


 It seems that dashreeve is hoping for reconciliation.

Chosenone,

This is also very recent.  Emotions can cloud judgement.  It is important for him to know that he is not responsible for her actions.  And that if he cannot get over her actions, even if she were to desire reconciliation (which is most likely not going to happen), he is not not required to do so.

Dashreeve,

While you hope for reconciliation, I hope you also look at the potential divorce with eyes wide open and make sound decisions.  Get a lawyer.  Make sure you look out for your financial well being after the divorce is final.  Don't make emotional decisions.

I agree,adultery does destroy the covenant. For many its a step too far, and thats completely understandable.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: Texas Conservative on Tue Jan 26, 2016 - 15:57:08
Thank you Texas. I have been advised to get a lawyer and will when I get the divorce papers. There is only one asset (house) and she is leaving it to me, I am in the process of refinancing it now and am not signing any paperwork until the house is in my name with her name off of the deed.

On another note, she finally got her license to practice today, she's a rich (financially) woman now.

In most cases, since the asset was done during the divorce, it would be wise to hold off a refinance until after the divorce.  If the divorce gets nasty, and they often do, regardless if her name is one the house or not, it is a marital asset up until the date the divorce orders are signed.  This is another issue to talk about with a lawyer before you sign any papers.

If you have any retirement, that is something you need to talk to a lawyer about.  I lost 50% of mine.  Her education, etc.  You can get taken to the cleaners.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: His Kid on Tue Jan 26, 2016 - 18:16:01
First time poster here smile Might be a bit of a long story. Mt wife told me she wanted a divorce on Christmas day. She felt very bad / guilty about it, but had made the decision and would not consider counseling / working on the marriage. She had gone through an emotional detachment of sorts before gaining the courage to tell me.

We were married 10.5 years, and have been together for ~15 years. I helped put her through nursing school, and most recently CRNA school. She passed her state board exam 12/22/15 (great timing, I know). She gave the reasons - not in love with you anymore, and just not happy in the marriage. Although I was a bit shocked, I didn't have much of an emotional or angry response. I did suspect I was not being told the "whole truth", and probably did inquire with several questions.

This did kick-start a great weight loss program for me. No sleeping or eating for the first few days. I still have to take sleeping pills now, and usually get around 5-7 hours of sleep each night. I am eating three times a day. I received DR Sunday, and read the entire book - couldn't put it down. I have never been unfaithful, never harmed in any way, never raised my voice with my wife. We have accomplished amazing things together.

January 10th, I finally got my wife to admit that she was in love with another man. It did ironically take a lot of tightness / pain from my chest. Before he admittance, I was tormented with wandering thoughts and constant pain. Knowing the truth helped me a lot. I did turn to spiritual health and have had a great deal of support and guidance. My love for my wife has not diminished in any way, and I still have a strong hope that I will be with her again. When she did admit to the love affair, I told her that I support her, and that I want her to be happy and pursue what is in her heart. The depth of my love for her will not allow me to do anything but show her love and compassion. I do want her to be happy.

I had been doing most of the things in the book (both what I should and should not do). It has been a great help. I was so happy that I came to these forums, I was lucky enough to see some situations similar to mine, and many with successful endings. I would love the opportunity to gain wisdom / suggestions from others here, and would love to answer any questions as well.

I've become spiritually strong over the past four weeks. I know it's very early in the process, but I feel like I've been given an ability to love my wife even more. I initially got rid of a lot of junk around the house, emptied every room and cleaned / organized to have peaceful surroundings. I still have a bit to finish, and entire house can be overwhelming to clean / maintain for one person. She is giving me the house, so I am making efforts to make it beautiful. I have been exercising daily and am losing a lot of weight.

What's next for me is more spiritual growth and continued improvement. There is no possible outcome to my situation that is not positive. My wife still calls daily, and did ask about how I was feeling about the news of her love for another. I told her I want her to follow her heart and that she has my blessing.

Even with the blinders of the passionate love affair she has going on, she has commented on several changes. She's very impressed with what I've done with the house. She was very surprised by my haircut and weightloss. She thought I looked "so good" and looked skinny. What meant more to me though, was the things she noticed in my character. She said she thought I would react differently to the news of the divorce, and stated that I have responded in an admirable way, and that it says a lot about my character. Similar to my reaction to her love for another man admittance - she said she expected a very different reaction and again commented that I am a man of high character. Are these the responses that should give me hope? She is madly, passionately in love with another man, and has convinced herself that she is incredibly unhappy in our marriage. But, she continues to compliment me, admires me and thinks I am a man of character? I guess it gives me hope in the sense that I am, in her mind a man of character. With a clear head and a clear heart, how will she view a man's character that would pursue another man's wife? Any thoughts / hope / advice? So far, looks like a lot of patience is in order, but it's emotionally tough most days.


If you are both Christians, I don't understand you supporting her in her sin. I'm totally confused. I think you should be asking her how she views his character pursuing your wife.

Frankly, I don't think I would want my husband back after cheating on me. There are a lot of things I will forgive and continue a marriage, but that isn't one of them. I would certainly forgive, but I would never trust him again and would divorce.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: His Kid on Tue Jan 26, 2016 - 18:19:47
I have expressed those concerns to my wife. It seems headed for heartbreak and loneliness, but they do not hear that message when they think they're "in love". I continue to pray for my wife daily. I am technically still married at this time, so have not given up hope that she will see the devastation she is causing with this selfish decision.

"In love"? What a bunch of hooey. Usually people cheat because they are not being fulfilled in their marriage in some area, no? I highly doubt they are in love. Love does not develop during an adulterous affair. It is all lust.. and perhaps support of some kind that she is not getting from you.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: Texas Conservative on Tue Jan 26, 2016 - 18:27:25
I have expressed those concerns to my wife. It seems headed for heartbreak and loneliness, but they do not hear that message when they think they're "in love". I continue to pray for my wife daily. I am technically still married at this time, so have not given up hope that she will see the devastation she is causing with this selfish decision.

"In love"? What a bunch of hooey. Usually people cheat because they are not being fulfilled in their marriage in some area, no? I highly doubt they are in love. Love does not develop during an adulterous affair. It is all lust.. and perhaps support of some kind that she is not getting from you.

Or she's just not a great person.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: His Kid on Tue Jan 26, 2016 - 18:29:18
I have expressed those concerns to my wife. It seems headed for heartbreak and loneliness, but they do not hear that message when they think they're "in love". I continue to pray for my wife daily. I am technically still married at this time, so have not given up hope that she will see the devastation she is causing with this selfish decision.

"In love"? What a bunch of hooey. Usually people cheat because they are not being fulfilled in their marriage in some area, no? I highly doubt they are in love. Love does not develop during an adulterous affair. It is all lust.. and perhaps support of some kind that she is not getting from you.

Or she's just not a great person.

I liked your first response better.  ::crackup::

I agree. Some people are just creeps and they hide it well for years.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: Texas Conservative on Tue Jan 26, 2016 - 18:35:02
I have expressed those concerns to my wife. It seems headed for heartbreak and loneliness, but they do not hear that message when they think they're "in love". I continue to pray for my wife daily. I am technically still married at this time, so have not given up hope that she will see the devastation she is causing with this selfish decision.

"In love"? What a bunch of hooey. Usually people cheat because they are not being fulfilled in their marriage in some area, no? I highly doubt they are in love. Love does not develop during an adulterous affair. It is all lust.. and perhaps support of some kind that she is not getting from you.

Or she's just not a great person.

I liked your first response better.  ::crackup::

I agree. Some people are just creeps and they hide it well for years.

There are some women who derive their identity at least outwardly from the man they are with, I think in large part to snag the man.  Then they get tired of it, of waiting for the man they found to "become who they thought he could be" and want to find someone else.  The want the initial passion of a new relationship, and will eventually move on for a new one when they current flame becomes stale.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: His Kid on Tue Jan 26, 2016 - 18:38:48
I have expressed those concerns to my wife. It seems headed for heartbreak and loneliness, but they do not hear that message when they think they're "in love". I continue to pray for my wife daily. I am technically still married at this time, so have not given up hope that she will see the devastation she is causing with this selfish decision.

"In love"? What a bunch of hooey. Usually people cheat because they are not being fulfilled in their marriage in some area, no? I highly doubt they are in love. Love does not develop during an adulterous affair. It is all lust.. and perhaps support of some kind that she is not getting from you.

Or she's just not a great person.

I liked your first response better.  ::crackup::

I agree. Some people are just creeps and they hide it well for years.

There are some women who derive their identity at least outwardly from the man they are with, I think in large part to snag the man.  Then they get tired of it, of waiting for the man they found to "become who they thought he could be" and want to find someone else.  The want the initial passion of a new relationship, and will eventually move on for a new one when they current flame becomes stale.

You described a worldly woman, not a Godly one.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: Texas Conservative on Tue Jan 26, 2016 - 18:39:58
I have expressed those concerns to my wife. It seems headed for heartbreak and loneliness, but they do not hear that message when they think they're "in love". I continue to pray for my wife daily. I am technically still married at this time, so have not given up hope that she will see the devastation she is causing with this selfish decision.

"In love"? What a bunch of hooey. Usually people cheat because they are not being fulfilled in their marriage in some area, no? I highly doubt they are in love. Love does not develop during an adulterous affair. It is all lust.. and perhaps support of some kind that she is not getting from you.

Or she's just not a great person.

I liked your first response better.  ::crackup::

I agree. Some people are just creeps and they hide it well for years.

There are some women who derive their identity at least outwardly from the man they are with, I think in large part to snag the man.  Then they get tired of it, of waiting for the man they found to "become who they thought he could be" and want to find someone else.  The want the initial passion of a new relationship, and will eventually move on for a new one when they current flame becomes stale.

You described a worldly woman, not a Godly one.

Some wordly women play Godly ones outwardly.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: His Kid on Tue Jan 26, 2016 - 18:42:28
I have expressed those concerns to my wife. It seems headed for heartbreak and loneliness, but they do not hear that message when they think they're "in love". I continue to pray for my wife daily. I am technically still married at this time, so have not given up hope that she will see the devastation she is causing with this selfish decision.

"In love"? What a bunch of hooey. Usually people cheat because they are not being fulfilled in their marriage in some area, no? I highly doubt they are in love. Love does not develop during an adulterous affair. It is all lust.. and perhaps support of some kind that she is not getting from you.

Or she's just not a great person.

I liked your first response better.  ::crackup::

I agree. Some people are just creeps and they hide it well for years.

There are some women who derive their identity at least outwardly from the man they are with, I think in large part to snag the man.  Then they get tired of it, of waiting for the man they found to "become who they thought he could be" and want to find someone else.  The want the initial passion of a new relationship, and will eventually move on for a new one when they current flame becomes stale.

You described a worldly woman, not a Godly one.

Some wordly women play Godly ones outwardly.

But that is still a worldly woman. My point is, this woman is supposedly a Christian. I say nay nay.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: mommydi on Tue Jan 26, 2016 - 20:31:30


Some wordly women play Godly ones outwardly.

So true. Same with worldly men who wear a Christian mask to hide their true selves. The mask always comes off - sooner or later.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: dashreeve on Tue Jan 26, 2016 - 20:36:57
Good points Texas, definitely having a lawyer look over the paperwork.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: dashreeve on Tue Jan 26, 2016 - 20:43:15
I have certainly questioned that as well (her true commitment to God). Since I was deceived and betrayed and see a somewhat different person now in some of our interactions. It shows me some dishonesty that is not very attractive. I realize there is little to no hope for saving my marriage, but my path is the same either way - to honor God in my words, thoughts, actions. I am technically still married and will honor and respect her. Of course, I would honor and respect anyone I suppose, but I mean as a spouse. I really appreciate all of this input and welcome more. It is very enlightening to see the views, many I have not considered. Thank you all again for the words of advice.  By the way, I start my divorce care support group tomorrow and am very excited about that, then faith based counseling on Thursday. should be a great week of continued healing.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: mommydi on Tue Jan 26, 2016 - 20:50:16
I'd like to commend you, dashreeve, for your willingness to join the divorce care support group and the faith based counseling program. I do hope these steps will help greatly in your healing from this painful situation.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: chosenone on Tue Jan 26, 2016 - 23:21:16
I have certainly questioned that as well (her true commitment to God). Since I was deceived and betrayed and see a somewhat different person now in some of our interactions. It shows me some dishonesty that is not very attractive. I realize there is little to no hope for saving my marriage, but my path is the same either way - to honor God in my words, thoughts, actions. I am technically still married and will honor and respect her. Of course, I would honor and respect anyone I suppose, but I mean as a spouse. I really appreciate all of this input and welcome more. It is very enlightening to see the views, many I have not considered. Thank you all again for the words of advice.  By the way, I start my divorce care support group tomorrow and am very excited about that, then faith based counseling on Thursday. should be a great week of continued healing.
 

I went on a divorce recovery workshop, a 6 week course. Its was quite helpful, many found it more helpful than I did, I was still too numb and in shock to really benefit even after a year. If I had gone a year or so later I think it would have helped more. 
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: dashreeve on Wed Jan 27, 2016 - 08:06:36
Thank you so much. Yes, the first in person support group for me is tonight, and I am very excited about it. The people that are helping me through (pastor / biblical scholar friend) really feel that I have a powerful and inspirational testimony to be heard. I have made so many positive changes and look forward to the bright future that God will lead me to. It is still very painful everyday, but God has given me a great deal of strength in developing the ways I cope with the pain. My pastor said, "when you're walking through the fire, keep walking." So that's what I'm doing.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: His Kid on Wed Jan 27, 2016 - 08:13:15
Thank you so much. Yes, the first in person support group for me is tonight, and I am very excited about it. The people that are helping me through (pastor / biblical scholar friend) really feel that I have a powerful and inspirational testimony to be heard. I have made so many positive changes and look forward to the bright future that God will lead me to. It is still very painful everyday, but God has given me a great deal of strength in developing the ways I cope with the pain. My pastor said, "when you're walking through the fire, keep walking." So that's what I'm doing.

When my first husband divorced me, the pain was so intense I literally didn't think I would survive it. When I would go to sleep at night I thought it was very possible the pain would physically kill me. The weird thing is, I was very unhappy in that marriage. He was just mean and abusive. I think divorce is extremely difficult no matter what. There is nothing good about it. I did not join a support group. I never thought that would have been helpful. Maybe it would have been. It took me a very long time to get over the rejection, even into my second marriage.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: dashreeve on Wed Jan 27, 2016 - 08:33:10
I can certainly relate, I did not know I would make it through at times. I still have not "made it through" at this point, but God has given me a lot of strength / peace / patience in coping with the pain. The first 4 weeks were absolutely excruciating. I have been getting so much better at coping with the pain, it does not completely take my focus now and seems to occur less and less each day. My schedule is packed with dinner with friends / support groups / counseling / gatherings - I am feeling a good deal of confidence and have a great hope for my future. I have so many great friends that take the time for me and are there to help / listen. I guess I'm seeing that I may have lost my marriage, but I have a lot of wonderful gifts in my life and a positive future.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: His Kid on Wed Jan 27, 2016 - 08:51:17
I can certainly relate, I did not know I would make it through at times. I still have not "made it through" at this point, but God has given me a lot of strength / peace / patience in coping with the pain. The first 4 weeks were absolutely excruciating. I have been getting so much better at coping with the pain, it does not completely take my focus now and seems to occur less and less each day. My schedule is packed with dinner with friends / support groups / counseling / gatherings - I am feeling a good deal of confidence and have a great hope for my future. I have so many great friends that take the time for me and are there to help / listen. I guess I'm seeing that I may have lost my marriage, but I have a lot of wonderful gifts in my life and a positive future.

It does sound like you are truly blessed. You will make it through and one day, the pain will be gone.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: dashreeve on Wed Jan 27, 2016 - 08:59:30
Thank you so much. Yes, I do feel very blessed with God's love. Although I am only a little over four weeks into the grieving, many friends seem drawn to me for help with dealing with their divorce / marriage issues. I am obligated to listen / help if I can. Many have asked for my prayers as well.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: chosenone on Wed Jan 27, 2016 - 10:08:05
I can certainly relate, I did not know I would make it through at times. I still have not "made it through" at this point, but God has given me a lot of strength / peace / patience in coping with the pain. The first 4 weeks were absolutely excruciating. I have been getting so much better at coping with the pain, it does not completely take my focus now and seems to occur less and less each day. My schedule is packed with dinner with friends / support groups / counseling / gatherings - I am feeling a good deal of confidence and have a great hope for my future. I have so many great friends that take the time for me and are there to help / listen. I guess I'm seeing that I may have lost my marriage, but I have a lot of wonderful gifts in my life and a positive future.

  You are very fortunate, it was years and years before I got over my first marriage ending and I had very little support.  I do think that man tend to have more help, people seem so think that women can cope and should just get on with it, even when they have children to look after as well as their own deep pain.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: dashreeve on Wed Jan 27, 2016 - 10:24:50
Thank you chosen, I am improving emotionally faster than I thought I would, but am still very early in the process. This WILL take at least a year or more before I am mentally / emotionally / spiritually restored. But yes, I have had some amazing support and have no idea what I would have done without that over the last month. The pain is still there, strong as ever, bit I have put it in God's hands and am getting so much better coping with it.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: Texas Conservative on Wed Jan 27, 2016 - 10:39:22
I can certainly relate, I did not know I would make it through at times. I still have not "made it through" at this point, but God has given me a lot of strength / peace / patience in coping with the pain. The first 4 weeks were absolutely excruciating. I have been getting so much better at coping with the pain, it does not completely take my focus now and seems to occur less and less each day. My schedule is packed with dinner with friends / support groups / counseling / gatherings - I am feeling a good deal of confidence and have a great hope for my future. I have so many great friends that take the time for me and are there to help / listen. I guess I'm seeing that I may have lost my marriage, but I have a lot of wonderful gifts in my life and a positive future.

  You are very fortunate, it was years and years before I got over my first marriage ending and I had very little support.  I do think that man tend to have more help, people seem so think that women can cope and should just get on with it, even when they have children to look after as well as their own deep pain.

Some of us men also have children to look after as well.  I think men are better at pushing emotions aside.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: His Kid on Wed Jan 27, 2016 - 10:53:27
I can certainly relate, I did not know I would make it through at times. I still have not "made it through" at this point, but God has given me a lot of strength / peace / patience in coping with the pain. The first 4 weeks were absolutely excruciating. I have been getting so much better at coping with the pain, it does not completely take my focus now and seems to occur less and less each day. My schedule is packed with dinner with friends / support groups / counseling / gatherings - I am feeling a good deal of confidence and have a great hope for my future. I have so many great friends that take the time for me and are there to help / listen. I guess I'm seeing that I may have lost my marriage, but I have a lot of wonderful gifts in my life and a positive future.

  You are very fortunate, it was years and years before I got over my first marriage ending and I had very little support.  I do think that man tend to have more help, people seem so think that women can cope and should just get on with it, even when they have children to look after as well as their own deep pain.

I think honestly nobody ever gets over a divorce. Not really. We move on with our lives and they may be really awesome lives, but the damage done by a divorce leaves permanent scars.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: dashreeve on Wed Jan 27, 2016 - 11:04:11
I certainly agree with that, this will always be a permanent scar. I believe I will learn a lot from this for my future too.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: dashreeve on Wed Jan 27, 2016 - 12:50:35
Well, she came to drop off some money she owes me today. I can sense that she has no feelings for me at all, but I remain positive. I have accepted the reality that there is about 0% chance that I will be able to reconcile with her, there is nothing in her heart for me. That's not to say that I have given up hope, but my main focus is still myself. Her license came through yesterday, so she should start working her 150k / year job on Monday. I can't help but be proud of her achievement with the career. I am sad that it is not part of our future we planned for the last 3 years though. I have been doing so great coping with the emotions of this lately but it certainly stings a bit when I see her in person and she has no care for me at all. Quickly channeled that anxious feeling into extra motivation for a quick workout though  ::smile:: I came to this forum for hope, but as I continue to focus on self and improve mentally / physically / spiritually, I have a new (and more) hope for my future. I really feel that in a couple years, I will be able to offer a great relationship to the right person - someone who would never betray or deceive me, or break out marriage vows.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: His Kid on Wed Jan 27, 2016 - 12:55:04
Well, she came to drop off some money she owes me today. I can sense that she has no feelings for me at all, but I remain positive. I have accepted the reality that there is about 0% chance that I will be able to reconcile with her, there is nothing in her heart for me. That's not to say that I have given up hope, but my main focus is still myself. Her license came through yesterday, so she should start working her 150k / year job on Monday. I can't help but be proud of her achievement with the career. I am sad that it is not part of our future we planned for the last 3 years though. I have been doing so great coping with the emotions of this lately but it certainly stings a bit when I see her in person and she has no care for me at all. Quickly channeled that anxious feeling into extra motivation for a quick workout though  ::smile:: I came to this forum for hope, but as I continue to focus on self and improve mentally / physically / spiritually, I have a new (and more) hope for my future. I really feel that in a couple years, I will be able to offer a great relationship to the right person - someone who would never betray or deceive me, or break out marriage vows.


I have to be honest, I'm totally shocked that you even want her back after she betrayed you in the worst possible way. She doesn't deserve you. She's not worth your tears.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: dashreeve on Wed Jan 27, 2016 - 13:00:40
I do know that I want my marriage vows to be a one time thing (this is my first, and I hoped only marriage, her second). So yes, I would do anything to save my marriage. I did forgive her and have shown her nothing but God's love in this situation. As I mentioned, I did let her know that it was wrong / dishonorable / not blessed by God, but felt compelled that I had to tell her those things based on my knowledge of the scripture and my Pastor's view on the situation. I also want to be able to look back on things and know that I did what was right - act with character and grace and do everything I could to stand by my vows. I will be able to sleep well at night soon, and will never have to look back knowing that I lied / deceived / betrayed / broke my vows.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: His Kid on Wed Jan 27, 2016 - 13:05:13
I do know that I want my marriage vows to be a one time thing (this is my first, and I hoped only marriage, her second). So yes, I would do anything to save my marriage. I did forgive her and have shown her nothing but God's love in this situation. As I mentioned, I did let her know that it was wrong / dishonorable / not blessed by God, but felt compelled that I had to tell her those things based on my knowledge of the scripture and my Pastor's view on the situation. I also want to be able to look back on things and know that I did what was right - act with character and grace and do everything I could to stand by my vows. I will be able to sleep well at night soon, and will never have to look back knowing that I lied / deceived / betrayed / broke my vows.

You can still do all those things and not want her back at the same time. Forgiveness doesn't mean you continue in the harmful relationship.

After my first husband divorced me, he wanted me back a year later. I felt obligated because he was 'my husband', even though we were already divorced. So, as a good little Christian girl, I married him again. The abuse was even worse the second time and he ended up kicking me out of the house again. Worst mistake I ever made aside from marrying him the first time. I caution you against it.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: dashreeve on Wed Jan 27, 2016 - 13:10:28
That's a very good point, and God does give me a lot of hope that he will place the right relationship in my path in the future. Someone loyal that respects and admires me for the man that I am. I have a close friend that I have been helping in his marriage (ironic, I know). His wife had an affair and they reconciled, now he is miserable and she is not giving him many reasons to trust her. That example certainly rings loud for me. My wife appears 100% set on following through with the divorce, so, if it is God's will, I will be free from her when the divorce is complete.

Thank you (and everyone) again for your input, more is welcome - this really helps me a lot.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: His Kid on Wed Jan 27, 2016 - 13:13:23
That's a very good point, and God does give me a lot of hope that he will place the right relationship in my path in the future. Someone loyal that respects and admires me for the man that I am. I have a close friend that I have been helping in his marriage (ironic, I know). His wife had an affair and they reconciled, now he is miserable and she is not giving him many reasons to trust her. That example certainly rings loud for me. My wife appears 100% set on following through with the divorce, so, if it is God's will, I will be free from her when the divorce is complete.

Thank you (and everyone) again for your input, more is welcome - this really helps me a lot.

That is what the Lord did for me. I am now married to a man who is the complete opposite of my first husband. He is completely loyal and respectful and loving and loves the Lord with all his heart.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: dashreeve on Wed Jan 27, 2016 - 13:42:23
Thanks for that. I am starting to realize that my wife isn't really interested at all in a God loving man that is a spiritual leader in his household. She is more interested in being selfish I guess? I can't understand why she would want to be with a man that has his character, pursuing another man's wife. Just seems so wrong, but like I said, I guess I really didn't know her after 15 years :(
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: His Kid on Wed Jan 27, 2016 - 13:48:03
Thanks for that. I am starting to realize that my wife isn't really interested at all in a God loving man that is a spiritual leader in his household. She is more interested in being selfish I guess? I can't understand why she would want to be with a man that has his character, pursuing another man's wife. Just seems so wrong, but like I said, I guess I really didn't know her after 15 years :(

I'm so sorry. :(

God will work all things for good according to His riches in Jesus.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: dashreeve on Wed Jan 27, 2016 - 13:49:38
Thank you and I do agree. I think he has some great things in store for me.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: Texas Conservative on Wed Jan 27, 2016 - 14:09:25
Thanks for that. I am starting to realize that my wife isn't really interested at all in a God loving man that is a spiritual leader in his household. She is more interested in being selfish I guess? I can't understand why she would want to be with a man that has his character, pursuing another man's wife. Just seems so wrong, but like I said, I guess I really didn't know her after 15 years :(

She checked out far earlier than you found out.  She was most likely going through the motions with you until something better came along.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: chosenone on Wed Jan 27, 2016 - 14:27:13
I can certainly relate, I did not know I would make it through at times. I still have not "made it through" at this point, but God has given me a lot of strength / peace / patience in coping with the pain. The first 4 weeks were absolutely excruciating. I have been getting so much better at coping with the pain, it does not completely take my focus now and seems to occur less and less each day. My schedule is packed with dinner with friends / support groups / counseling / gatherings - I am feeling a good deal of confidence and have a great hope for my future. I have so many great friends that take the time for me and are there to help / listen. I guess I'm seeing that I may have lost my marriage, but I have a lot of wonderful gifts in my life and a positive future.

  You are very fortunate, it was years and years before I got over my first marriage ending and I had very little support.  I do think that man tend to have more help, people seem so think that women can cope and should just get on with it, even when they have children to look after as well as their own deep pain.

Some of us men also have children to look after as well.  I think men are better at pushing emotions aside.

Most children do live mainly with the mum.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: mommydi on Wed Jan 27, 2016 - 14:32:02
  I think men are better at pushing emotions aside.

Not in this forum.  ::whistle:: Mercy, I won't even go there.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: His Kid on Wed Jan 27, 2016 - 14:35:54
  I think men are better at pushing emotions aside.

Not in this forum.  ::whistle:: Mercy, I won't even go there.


 ::crackup::
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: mommydi on Wed Jan 27, 2016 - 14:36:59
dashreeve, may I ask a few more questions, please? Can you tell us a bit more about how you and your wife met and if either of you were in relationships at the time of your meeting? You mentioned you had children by previous relationships (marriages?) You also mentioned your wife's lover is someone she's had a relationship with in the past? Did you and your wife start your marriage with God's blessing? Would you say your relationship with God and current views on marriage developed after your marriage or before?
Thank you so much for answering.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: Texas Conservative on Wed Jan 27, 2016 - 14:42:24
I can certainly relate, I did not know I would make it through at times. I still have not "made it through" at this point, but God has given me a lot of strength / peace / patience in coping with the pain. The first 4 weeks were absolutely excruciating. I have been getting so much better at coping with the pain, it does not completely take my focus now and seems to occur less and less each day. My schedule is packed with dinner with friends / support groups / counseling / gatherings - I am feeling a good deal of confidence and have a great hope for my future. I have so many great friends that take the time for me and are there to help / listen. I guess I'm seeing that I may have lost my marriage, but I have a lot of wonderful gifts in my life and a positive future.

  You are very fortunate, it was years and years before I got over my first marriage ending and I had very little support.  I do think that man tend to have more help, people seem so think that women can cope and should just get on with it, even when they have children to look after as well as their own deep pain.

Some of us men also have children to look after as well.  I think men are better at pushing emotions aside.

Most children do live mainly with the mum.

In the US and A that is starting to change.  Default in my state is 50/50 if both parents want to be involved.  There are more and more women deciding to be narcissistic schmucks.  Equality in that respect isn't good
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: Texas Conservative on Wed Jan 27, 2016 - 14:45:57
  I think men are better at pushing emotions aside.

Not in this forum.  ::whistle:: Mercy, I won't even go there.

I would say that is true even for this forum.  Men might get angry, run their mouth at one another and then go get a beer together.  Non alcoholic of course.

Another past time for men is to dig at each other on purpose.  Granted some men have no humor.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: mommydi on Wed Jan 27, 2016 - 15:17:37


In the US and A that is starting to change.  Default in my state is 50/50 if both parents want to be involved.  There are more and more women deciding to be narcissistic schmucks.  Equality in that respect isn't good

A lot of times, the "narcissistic schmuck" part is drug related. There's an epidemic of drug use (primarily heroin right now) that's breaking up homes. More and more grandparents (and great-grandparents) are raising multiple grandchildren because of this drug addiction issue. Sad, sad, sad, that so many kids hardly know their own parents, and when they do, they know them as dope heads.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: Texas Conservative on Wed Jan 27, 2016 - 15:40:22


In the US and A that is starting to change.  Default in my state is 50/50 if both parents want to be involved.  There are more and more women deciding to be narcissistic schmucks.  Equality in that respect isn't good

A lot of times, the "narcissistic schmuck" part is drug related. There's an epidemic of drug use (primarily heroin right now) that's breaking up homes. More and more grandparents (and great-grandparents) are raising multiple grandchildren because of this drug addiction issue. Sad, sad, sad, that so many kids hardly know their own parents, and when they do, they know them as dope heads.

In my ex-wife's case and in the case of a cousin about the same age, it's not drug related.  Just selfishness. 
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: dashreeve on Wed Jan 27, 2016 - 15:47:04
Yes, you can ask any questions, I really like to answer questions. We had known each other for yours before we started dating. We were both single and available when we started dating. I was raised in church, but have not been a practicing Christian all of my life. I have strayed many times, sometimes for years. I have done plenty that I regret. We were not married in a church, we were married at the country club my wife worked at. My wife had battled several addictions, and at one point when we were dating I ended the relationship due to alcohol / drug abuse. This breakup inspired her to join AA and NA, and she renewed her commitment to Christ. She met the man she is currently with in AA, and while we were still close and talked almost daily, we were not romantically involved. She continued the relationship with him and I was ok with it. At some point, I felt that I had made a mistake and realized I had a great deal of love for her in my heart. I told her this. She later broke things off with him and we got back together, eventually leading to our marriage. Our marriage was blessed by God in my eyes, but part of her justification to leave the marriage is that it wasn't. I am not sure if that is her new boyfriend's view or hers alone. I have not been a practicing Christian for the better part of our marriage. In self reflection, I could have been much more disciplined in many areas of my life. If the consequence is losing my wife, then I accept it. However, I was never unfaithful or dishonest with her.

Having an upbringing in church, my views on marriage have not changed. I knew the vows I was taking and knew I would honor them 'til death.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: dashreeve on Thu Jan 28, 2016 - 11:40:08
Just a quick update. Had a real tough time emotionally yesterday after she came by to drop off some money she owes me. Can certainly sense that there is no love in her heart for me at all, and that hurts a bit. On a positive note, my weight-loss is still going great, although I'm hitting the part where a bit more work is needed to continue. Had Divorce care last night (very helpful) and my one on one faith based counselor tonight. Looking forward to it.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: dashreeve on Mon Feb 01, 2016 - 09:04:54
I have more faith based counseling this week, still cannot give up hope on my marriage even though I am given 0% chance in reality. My Pastor was inspired by my faith in this difficult time, and said I should keep believing that I will reconcile unless God releases me. The pain is still very bad each day, so I don't know if I should pray for God to release me from the marriage or continue to pray that I will honor him in my marriage / thoughts / words / actions (that's been part of my daily prayers for 5 weeks now). My seminary friend that has been walking the path with me felt that if my desire is to honor God, that I should make that part of my daily prayer for this year, but it's getting tough to do the daily patience part.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: chosenone on Mon Feb 01, 2016 - 11:23:22
I have more faith based counseling this week, still cannot give up hope on my marriage even though I am given 0% chance in reality. My Pastor was inspired by my faith in this difficult time, and said I should keep believing that I will reconcile unless God releases me. The pain is still very bad each day, so I don't know if I should pray for God to release me from the marriage or continue to pray that I will honor him in my marriage / thoughts / words / actions (that's been part of my daily prayers for 5 weeks now). My seminary friend that has been walking the path with me felt that if my desire is to honor God, that I should make that part of my daily prayer for this year, but it's getting tough to do the daily patience part.

Carry on until the divorce is completed. I think you said it will only take another 2 months?  Tell the enemy to take his hands off your marriage.
It will hurt, its still very early days for you yet.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: dashreeve on Mon Feb 01, 2016 - 16:06:04
Thank you chosen, I will continue that prayer along with my regular daily prayers. My pastor also got me a bible study plan today since I finished Proverbs. I was reading it with the first 31 days of my Oswald Chambers book. I can see the reality of my situation and have also researched and had help from counseling to understand my wife's thought process in the affair. Reality says I have little chance to reconcile, but I have a great teammate in my corner. Thank you for reading and responding, your encouraging words help more than you know.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: chosenone on Wed Feb 03, 2016 - 23:39:27
Thank you chosen, I will continue that prayer along with my regular daily prayers. My pastor also got me a bible study plan today since I finished Proverbs. I was reading it with the first 31 days of my Oswald Chambers book. I can see the reality of my situation and have also researched and had help from counseling to understand my wife's thought process in the affair. Reality says I have little chance to reconcile, but I have a great teammate in my corner. Thank you for reading and responding, your encouraging words help more than you know.



 I have heard many marriages where there was restoration but in the end God will not take away her free will. She may well come to her senses eventually but it may be long after the divorce. Relationships that begin with cheating hardly ever last, hers probably wont, but that's for her to find out.Hopefully she will then come to repentance with God and be open to His working in her.  My husbands first wife's affair ended on the day that he married me which was sort of ironic. She is still alone 11 years later. 
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: dashreeve on Thu Feb 04, 2016 - 07:39:13
I am giving her the space to pursue her free will. I did tell her that her actions do not honor god (breaking vows / infidelity / betrayal). Maybe things will work out for them, but I just don't see how God could bless a love born of betrayal and deceit. I also realize that there is a chance that things will not work out with them and it will be long after God has led me down a path that would not allow reconciliation. I will continue to get through the grieving process. My pastor said that God will release me when it is time.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: Texas Conservative on Thu Feb 04, 2016 - 07:41:52
I am giving her the space to pursue her free will. I did tell her that her actions do not honor god (breaking vows / infidelity / betrayal). Maybe things will work out for them, but I just don't see how God could bless a love born of betrayal and deceit. I also realize that there is a chance that things will not work out with them and it will be long after God has led me down a path that would not allow reconciliation. I will continue to get through the grieving process. My pastor said that God will release me when it is time.

He is right.  Give it time.  And don't make emotional decisions.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: dashreeve on Thu Feb 04, 2016 - 12:26:35
Good advice Texas, my counselor warned about that as well. Being very patient with any major decisions I make.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: planetshaker on Thu Feb 04, 2016 - 21:13:18
Hang in there man I personaly think she will ditch the guy and try to get back with you. Don't beg or plead with her just be supportive. Show confidence be a happy person. In time she figure out this other guy is a loser. A good book to read is stop my divorce by homer mcdonald . This book is awesome what you are doing right now is very similar to the book. Another read is called the four marriage killers it can be found on the internet criticism, contempt, defenciveness, stonewalling. But other than that she dropping in time to time or making phone calls shows that she's testing the waters. You definately left the door wide open for reconciling. A women wants an alpha male with a strong confidence about himself. You left that mark when you was supportive not vise-versa. Good luck
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: Texas Conservative on Thu Feb 04, 2016 - 23:08:47
Hang in there man I personaly think she will ditch the guy and try to get back with you. Don't beg or plead with her just be supportive. Show confidence be a happy person. In time she figure out this other guy is a loser. A good book to read is stop my divorce by homer mcdonald . This book is awesome what you are doing right now is very similar to the book. Another read is called the four marriage killers it can be found on the internet criticism, contempt, defenciveness, stonewalling. But other than that she dropping in time to time or making phone calls shows that she's testing the waters. You definately left the door wide open for reconciling. A women wants an alpha male with a strong confidence about himself. You left that mark when you was supportive not vise-versa. Good luck

Dashreeve,

I would once again stress not to even make decisions about possible reconciliation based upon emotion.  This close to finding out about an affair and divorce papers you are in hurt, in emotional pain, you life is basically upside down.  I've been there, done that, and got the t-shirt.  I can say you are not completely thinking clearly.

As far as this comment about an alpha male, I would say it is more like cuckold, or a "plan b."

Even if you decide down the road to reconcile, you need some serious time alone without your very likely soon to be ex-wife for healing.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: dashreeve on Fri Feb 05, 2016 - 08:56:08
Thanks Planet and Texas. Very good points. I understand that reconciliation would have happened nearly immediately, or WAY down the line. I have considered those point Texas, and would need to analyze things with a clear mind should that opportunity come. I realize I am not in an emotional state to make long term decisions about anything right now, but I do believe in marriage and want to save my marriage. After my heart is put back together, I may not see her the same way I have for the last 15 years. I may see a person lacking in character / honesty / integrity. A selfish person hurting anyone in her path to pursue her selfish desires. I do know that God will only leave love and compassion in my heart for her, but it may not be the type of love you would need to have for a spouse.

I do consider daily the disrespect that she and her affair partner have shown me and our marriage. I also notice from my support group (online and physical support groups) that reconciliation does not seem to be that common. I continue my path regardless of my wife's decisions, and it looks to be a very good path with God leading the way.

Planet, the books you recommend seem to be close to the Divorce Remedy book I read. I was doing most of those things before I got the book, but added some things after reading the book (such as resisting my constant urges to call / email / text my wife). They do suggest a more "don't care / as if" type of attitude, but I will not manipulate or compromise myself or my beliefs. I do care and will not act as if I do not, but I pray for silence when I know I will see her for dog swap days. I am definitely working on ME and moving forward with or without her. I will continue to treat her with love and compassion, as I would any human being. I will also continue to give her time / space and stay out of her way as she chases after her desires.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: chosenone on Fri Feb 05, 2016 - 09:36:02
I am giving her the space to pursue her free will. I did tell her that her actions do not honor god (breaking vows / infidelity / betrayal). Maybe things will work out for them, but I just don't see how God could bless a love born of betrayal and deceit. I also realize that there is a chance that things will not work out with them and it will be long after God has led me down a path that would not allow reconciliation. I will continue to get through the grieving process. My pastor said that God will release me when it is time.
 

I think that you will be released when you are divorced.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: dashreeve on Fri Feb 05, 2016 - 09:52:18
I think that as well, she started back to work and still waiting for the refinance to go through before signing. Then papers have to be sent to state to get court date (even for simple non-contested divorce). So it will be at least 2 months if not longer. I also anticipate another wave of emotional difficulties when the divorce is finalized.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: Alma1995 on Wed Mar 09, 2016 - 10:30:25
I think that as well, she started back to work and still waiting for the refinance to go through before signing. Then papers have to be sent to state to get court date (even for simple non-contested divorce). So it will be at least 2 months if not longer. I also anticipate another wave of emotional difficulties when the divorce is finalized.
I will pray for you. Be strong. Everything eventually ends in this life. We have to learn how to cope with that and we all do. May the peace be with you
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: dashreeve on Wed Mar 09, 2016 - 10:50:20
Thank you so much Alma. God has given me a lot of peace with things over the last few weeks. I've been able to sleep through the night and am able to focus at work now. Things are definitely getting better, and I thank you so much for your prayers!
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: chosenone on Wed Mar 09, 2016 - 12:23:21
I think that as well, she started back to work and still waiting for the refinance to go through before signing. Then papers have to be sent to state to get court date (even for simple non-contested divorce). So it will be at least 2 months if not longer. I also anticipate another wave of emotional difficulties when the divorce is finalized.
 

Yes you will because then its really over, but at least you will know where you are then and can begin to rebuild your life.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: dashreeve on Wed Mar 09, 2016 - 12:31:03
Very good point chosen. We are getting the papers ready to sign and should sign over Spring Break for me (21st-25th).
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: chosenone on Thu Mar 10, 2016 - 10:12:08
Very good point chosen. We are getting the papers ready to sign and should sign over Spring Break for me (21st-25th).
 

so what happens once you have signed them? Does it take much longer then?
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: dashreeve on Thu Mar 10, 2016 - 10:34:37
It is supposed to take 45-60 days after signing. The papers have to go to state capital then we have to go in front of magistrate / judge for something when the papers return.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: Texas Conservative on Thu Mar 10, 2016 - 10:43:59
It is supposed to take 45-60 days after signing. The papers have to go to state capital then we have to go in front of magistrate / judge for something when the papers return.

That is long.  After my papers were signed, judge signed and it was official within a week.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: dashreeve on Thu Mar 10, 2016 - 10:47:00
Some I've discussed with in other states takes nearly a year. I'm in Florida and just takes administrate processing time I guess? The paralegal will have papers ready to sign next week then they said they have to send the papers to the state for processing.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: Texas Conservative on Thu Mar 10, 2016 - 10:50:34
Some I've discussed with in other states takes nearly a year. I'm in Florida and just takes administrate processing time I guess? The paralegal will have papers ready to sign next week then they said they have to send the papers to the state for processing.

I took mine to trial before papers could be written.  It took 8 and a half months before lawyers could write the orders.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: dashreeve on Thu Mar 10, 2016 - 10:54:11
I hope it doesn't take that long for us. She (and the other man I assume) seem to be in a hurry to get things official with the divorce. I'm ok with it as well at this point. Just ready to see what God has planned for my future, and pretty excited about it.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: chosenone on Thu Mar 10, 2016 - 14:37:34
My whole divorce took 8 months, and that was with no real complications.

I am glad that you feel positive. There really is life after divorce.
Title: Re: Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope
Post by: dashreeve on Thu Mar 10, 2016 - 14:43:37
I do believe that! Thank you!