Wife fell in love with another man - God still giving me hope

[dashreeve]

First time poster here smile Might be a bit of a long story. Mt wife told me she wanted a divorce on Christmas day. She felt very bad / guilty about it, but had made the decision and would not consider counseling / working on the marriage. She had gone through an emotional detachment of sorts before gaining the courage to tell me.

We were married 10.5 years, and have been together for ~15 years. I helped put her through nursing school, and most recently CRNA school. She passed her state board exam 12/22/15 (great timing, I know). She gave the reasons - not in love with you anymore, and just not happy in the marriage. Although I was a bit shocked, I didn't have much of an emotional or angry response. I did suspect I was not being told the "whole truth", and probably did inquire with several questions.

This did kick-start a great weight loss program for me. No sleeping or eating for the first few days. I still have to take sleeping pills now, and usually get around 5-7 hours of sleep each night. I am eating three times a day. I received DR Sunday, and read the entire book - couldn't put it down. I have never been unfaithful, never harmed in any way, never raised my voice with my wife. We have accomplished amazing things together.

January 10th, I finally got my wife to admit that she was in love with another man. It did ironically take a lot of tightness / pain from my chest. Before he admittance, I was tormented with wandering thoughts and constant pain. Knowing the truth helped me a lot. I did turn to spiritual health and have had a great deal of support and guidance. My love for my wife has not diminished in any way, and I still have a strong hope that I will be with her again. When she did admit to the love affair, I told her that I support her, and that I want her to be happy and pursue what is in her heart. The depth of my love for her will not allow me to do anything but show her love and compassion. I do want her to be happy.

I had been doing most of the things in the book (both what I should and should not do). It has been a great help. I was so happy that I came to these forums, I was lucky enough to see some situations similar to mine, and many with successful endings. I would love the opportunity to gain wisdom / suggestions from others here, and would love to answer any questions as well.

I've become spiritually strong over the past four weeks. I know it's very early in the process, but I feel like I've been given an ability to love my wife even more. I initially got rid of a lot of junk around the house, emptied every room and cleaned / organized to have peaceful surroundings. I still have a bit to finish, and entire house can be overwhelming to clean / maintain for one person. She is giving me the house, so I am making efforts to make it beautiful. I have been exercising daily and am losing a lot of weight.

What's next for me is more spiritual growth and continued improvement. There is no possible outcome to my situation that is not positive. My wife still calls daily, and did ask about how I was feeling about the news of her love for another. I told her I want her to follow her heart and that she has my blessing.

Even with the blinders of the passionate love affair she has going on, she has commented on several changes. She's very impressed with what I've done with the house. She was very surprised by my haircut and weightloss. She thought I looked "so good" and looked skinny. What meant more to me though, was the things she noticed in my character. She said she thought I would react differently to the news of the divorce, and stated that I have responded in an admirable way, and that it says a lot about my character. Similar to my reaction to her love for another man admittance - she said she expected a very different reaction and again commented that I am a man of high character. Are these the responses that should give me hope? She is madly, passionately in love with another man, and has convinced herself that she is incredibly unhappy in our marriage. But, she continues to compliment me, admires me and thinks I am a man of character? I guess it gives me hope in the sense that I am, in her mind a man of character. With a clear head and a clear heart, how will she view a man's character that would pursue another man's wife? Any thoughts / hope / advice? So far, looks like a lot of patience is in order, but it's emotionally tough most days.

[Texas Conservative]

Are there kids involved?

[dashreeve]

thankfully no children, my children are grown (from previous relationships) but we are splitting custody of two dogs right now.

[mommydi]

dashreeve, I'm sorry you're going through this painful situation, but honestly...I can't relate. Your wife is getting it on with her lover, and rubbing it in your face, but you tell her to follow her heart, and feel happy that she tosses you a compliment from time to time?

[chosenone]

MY main thought is that you are giving your blessing to something that God condemns so strongly and you are even encouraging her to do it.
 If she is a Christian then she needs to be strongly challenged by her church leaders as to how she is justifying leaving her husband and committing adultery with another man(hopefully he isnt also married), although many will leave church when they are having an affair.

God speaks of bad consequences for those who commit adultery, the relationship will almost certainly fail as most relationships that begin with lying, cheating and deception usually do, and she is also disobeying God. She is making a massive mistake, you shouldnt be encouraging her in anyway. Pray that she will see sense and stop this sinful relationship, no good will come of it. Dont give her any encouragement at all,  love sometimes needs to be tough, and she is heading for disaster and heartbreak. 

IT also seems that she was putting off telling you until she got her course finished which is pretty selfish. 

[chosenone]

dashreeve, I'm sorry you're going through this painful situation, but honestly...I can't relate. Your wife is getting it on with her lover, and rubbing it in your face, but you tell her to follow her heart, and feel happy that she tosses you a compliment from time to time?

 


I SO agree.

[mommydi]

dashreeve, do you mind if I ask how old she is? Did you marry a younger woman this time around? Why I ask is - she must have more energy than a 20 year old. To go through nursing school, and then on to CRNA school usually takes every bit of stamina and concentration a person can muster, but to add an affair in the mix? Goodness, she must have some kind of drive. I know someone who just received her CRNA, and she had to put family life totally on hold while she was in school. I'm not doubting what you say, but this woman of yours has some kind of moxie.

[Texas Conservative]

She's right, you sound like a man of character.

Unfortunately, it sounds like your soon to be ex wife has very little character.

[dashreeve]

Thank you so much for the input everyone. I am "supporting" my wife, I did tell her that it is the wrong decision and not blessed by God in subsequent conversations. I understand that she is somewhat blinded by her emotions and has made some very sketchy justifications for her selfish actions. I have been in love before and know how powerful it is. I was compelled to tell her that it was wrong and dishonorable, that a love born in deceit and betrayal cannot be honoring to God. It certainly fell on deaf ears. I will continue to love / support / honor her until the divorce goes through as that was my covenant with God. So yes, I did tell her I supported her in following her heart but did offer the info about the psychology of what she is experiencing and the biblical side as well. I did this knowing that it might sever and friendly relationship we are currently maintaining. She certainly seems to be getting over the guilt part of it pretty quickly.

Mommydi, she is older than me. I'm 43 and she's 45. The other man actually initiated the pursuit on her 45th birthday when I took her to dinner. I did wonder how she had time for the affair while in CRNA school, since she seemed to have little time for me. I kept the house in the best order I could, handled all finances / most meals etc. As I mentioned, falling head over heels in love certainly lets you work on very little sleep, so I have an understanding of what she's going through. I went through the same thing in the early parts of our relationship 15 years ago. Sadly she doesn't remember that we once felt this same way about each other. She actually dates this same guy before we were married.

[mommydi]

Ohh, so she rekindled an old romance? OK, I understand better, now.
Listen, dashreeve. this is not really any of my business, but since you sent her to nursing and CRNA school, I hope you get reimbursement for that in the divorce. As a CRNA, she should be making well over 150k a year, so she can afford to pay you back for that expensive education.
Something else you may or may not know. When a husband has an affair, he will often want to stay with his wife. Men can separate the emotion from the act better than women can. On the other hand, when a wife steps out and has an affair, that's usually a sure sign her relationship with her husband is over. There's probably little chance she will come back. Like I said, I'm so sorry for your pain. Hold your head up and stay strong.

[dashreeve]

Thanks mommydi. I do recognize that she emotionally detached herself from me as she developed the relationship with the new man. I have read a lot about the psychology of it and do see that it is not likely that she return. God has shown me that I will come out with a positive future either way. I still will continue to love and honor her until the divorce in final and wish her well in her future at that time. I can certainly feel her heart harden toward me, and can feel the indifference that she has for me and my feelings. I still fight for my marriage everyday in the only way I can, and I will not be deterred by the 0% chance of reconciliation. My path and actions will be the same no matter what tomorrow holds.

[dashreeve]

Would like input on something else. My counselor and Divorce Care support group both recommend two years of focus on self before dating, does that sound about right? I was thinking this pain would be here for at least 6 months to a year, but 2 years is a lot of loneliness.

[chosenone]

Would like input on something else. My counselor and Divorce Care support group both recommend two years of focus on self before dating, does that sound about right? I was thinking this pain would be here for at least 6 months to a year, but 2 years is a lot of loneliness.

 Jim Smoke, who started the divorce recovery workshop, and who has counselled countless separated and divorced people, recommends 2-3 years after the divorce before dating again. Few men leave it that long because they are desperate to full the void left. Not a good reason to seek another woman in my opinion.
For me it was 4 years before I was emotionally ready to date again, and 2 more years after that before I met my husband.

I am rather concerned that you are already thinking about this when all this has only recently happened.
 
Pray that she will see the light, ask others in the church to pray, and ask the elders at your church to challenge her on what she is doing. Until the marriage has legally ended there is hope. Marriages have been restored after affairs.She is heading for disaster otherwise. 
Is the other man married?if so does his wife know?

[dashreeve]

chosenone thank you for your input. I have spoken with my pastor (our pastor really) and my wife and I are in his prayers. I have also had several friends that are ministers / biblical scholars that I speak with regularly and we do pray for her (and me) daily. I am certainly not considering dating or any kind of relationship with a female at this time, just found myself curious about the length of time. I want to be sure I am ready to be a great boyfriend and eventually a great husband in the future. I can't imagine the hurt going away in less than a year or two, but I am certainly taking the advice of my counselor on the time frame. Could very well be longer. I have still not given up hope and know that it will be at least 2 months before the divorce in finalized. I do pray daily that I will honor God in my marriage and will continue my prayer until I am no longer married.

[Texas Conservative]

It's been a year and a half since the divorce papers were filed.  I am emotionally ready to date again.  But right now I don't care to do so.

You will get over a lot of it.  It takes time.

I honored my marriage until it was over, but I did not want reconciliation. 

[dashreeve]

Thanks for that Texas, I am doing the same I suppose. In our limited interactions I certainly see things in my wife that are not in the person I knew for the last 15 years. It actually helps me accept things a bit, seems as though she is a new person, someone I might not choose to be with. Of course, she has assured me that there is no chance for reconciliation, so that reality is frequently in my mind.

[chosenone]

chosenone thank you for your input. I have spoken with my pastor (our pastor really) and my wife and I are in his prayers. I have also had several friends that are ministers / biblical scholars that I speak with regularly and we do pray for her (and me) daily. I am certainly not considering dating or any kind of relationship with a female at this time, just found myself curious about the length of time. I want to be sure I am ready to be a great boyfriend and eventually a great husband in the future. I can't imagine the hurt going away in less than a year or two, but I am certainly taking the advice of my counselor on the time frame. Could very well be longer. I have still not given up hope and know that it will be at least 2 months before the divorce in finalized. I do pray daily that I will honor God in my marriage and will continue my prayer until I am no longer married.

 

Your pastor is coping out, biblically he needs to go and see her and challenge her on her behaviour. if she wont stop and repent then she is to be excluded from the church. He is failing in his duty.   

[dashreeve]

I was not aware of that, thank you for letting me know. He is aware of the situation, but she has not been to church since she admitted to the affair. Not sure when she'll go again.

[chosenone]

I was not aware of that, thank you for letting me know. He is aware of the situation, but she has not been to church since she admitted to the affair. Not sure when she'll go again.

 Those who are cheating nearly always stop going to church. They think they can run away from God.

This may help

'Matthew 18:15-17 (see also Galatians 6:1): The process: If one Christian sins against another, or by extension the church in general, by doing something offensive to God, Matthew 18:15-17 provides a stepped process for handling the issue. The person must be confronted privately and admonished.  If they fail to listen another approach is to be made, this time with witnesses (Numbers 35:30; Deuteronomy 19:15; John 8:17; 2 Corinthians 13:1).  If they still fail to listen the matter is to be referred to the church (1 Timothy 5:20).  If they will still not listen appropriate action must follow.  The clear intention behind this process is to restore someone who has gone astray, maintain order in a church, prevent any tendency towards a blaming, tyrannous culture and provide a basis for appropriate censure, should it be required.

An approach made to a person caught in sin should involve, identifying the sin; explaining how it conflicts with God’s will and character; identifying the harm or hurt inflicted on others; explaining the danger it represents within the church and associating the sin with any harm that has or could befall the church’s witness in the community.'

 Is the OM a Christian and is he married?

[dashreeve]

Thank you chosenone, this is really helpful. I remember when she dated the man before we were married, and they did attend his church together. I assume he is still a christian. They are justifying their behavior to do what they want, so they are not following the scripture as I interpret it.

[chosenone]

Thank you chosenone, this is really helpful. I remember when she dated the man before we were married, and they did attend his church together. I assume he is still a christian. They are justifying their behavior to do what they want, so they are not following the scripture as I interpret it.

 Then his church need to speak to him as well. I find it very hard to see how they can possible justify adultery, or her divorcing you.

[dashreeve]

I do as well, I will continue to speak with my pastor about this.

[chosenone]

I do as well, I will continue to speak with my pastor about this.

  There is no justification. She knows she is sinning, thats why she has left church She has to chose God or her affair. 
My husbands first wife did the same, met a man from work, began a relationship and ended her marriage.  The relationship only lasted a year, he wasnt interested in marriage having been divorced 3 times already, and since then for 11 years she has been alone.
She too tried to justify it, and even when their pastor challenged her and told her that she had no reason to end her marriage, she carried on. Her attitude was 'no one can tell ME that I cant get divorced'  OKKKKAAAAAYYYY, no one except God that is.   

[dashreeve]

I have expressed those concerns to my wife. It seems headed for heartbreak and loneliness, but they do not hear that message when they think they're "in love". I continue to pray for my wife daily. I am technically still married at this time, so have not given up hope that she will see the devastation she is causing with this selfish decision.

[chosenone]

I have expressed those concerns to my wife. It seems headed for heartbreak and loneliness, but they do not hear that message when they think they're "in love". I continue to pray for my wife daily. I am technically still married at this time, so have not given up hope that she will see the devastation she is causing with this selfish decision.

 

Yes there is still hope.

[Texas Conservative]

There is hope if you want hope.  I chose not to have hope because I didn't want to stay with someone who behaved in such a manner.  Biblically, you can end the marriage with her behavior.

[chosenone]

There is hope if you want hope.  I chose not to have hope because I didn't want to stay with someone who behaved in such a manner.  Biblically, you can end the marriage with her behavior.

 It seems that dashreeve is hoping for reconciliation.

[Texas Conservative]

There is hope if you want hope.  I chose not to have hope because I didn't want to stay with someone who behaved in such a manner.  Biblically, you can end the marriage with her behavior.

 It seems that dashreeve is hoping for reconciliation.

Chosenone,

This is also very recent.  Emotions can cloud judgement.  It is important for him to know that he is not responsible for her actions.  And that if he cannot get over her actions, even if she were to desire reconciliation (which is most likely not going to happen), he is not not required to do so.

Dashreeve,

While you hope for reconciliation, I hope you also look at the potential divorce with eyes wide open and make sound decisions.  Get a lawyer.  Make sure you look out for your financial well being after the divorce is final.  Don't make emotional decisions.

[dashreeve]

Thank you Texas. I have been advised to get a lawyer and will when I get the divorce papers. There is only one asset (house) and she is leaving it to me, I am in the process of refinancing it now and am not signing any paperwork until the house is in my name with her name off of the deed.

On another note, she finally got her license to practice today, she's a rich (financially) woman now.

[chosenone]

There is hope if you want hope.  I chose not to have hope because I didn't want to stay with someone who behaved in such a manner.  Biblically, you can end the marriage with her behavior.

 It seems that dashreeve is hoping for reconciliation.

Chosenone,

This is also very recent.  Emotions can cloud judgement.  It is important for him to know that he is not responsible for her actions.  And that if he cannot get over her actions, even if she were to desire reconciliation (which is most likely not going to happen), he is not not required to do so.

Dashreeve,

While you hope for reconciliation, I hope you also look at the potential divorce with eyes wide open and make sound decisions.  Get a lawyer.  Make sure you look out for your financial well being after the divorce is final.  Don't make emotional decisions.

I agree,adultery does destroy the covenant. For many its a step too far, and thats completely understandable.

[Texas Conservative]

Thank you Texas. I have been advised to get a lawyer and will when I get the divorce papers. There is only one asset (house) and she is leaving it to me, I am in the process of refinancing it now and am not signing any paperwork until the house is in my name with her name off of the deed.

On another note, she finally got her license to practice today, she's a rich (financially) woman now.

In most cases, since the asset was done during the divorce, it would be wise to hold off a refinance until after the divorce.  If the divorce gets nasty, and they often do, regardless if her name is one the house or not, it is a marital asset up until the date the divorce orders are signed.  This is another issue to talk about with a lawyer before you sign any papers.

If you have any retirement, that is something you need to talk to a lawyer about.  I lost 50% of mine.  Her education, etc.  You can get taken to the cleaners.

[His Kid]

First time poster here smile Might be a bit of a long story. Mt wife told me she wanted a divorce on Christmas day. She felt very bad / guilty about it, but had made the decision and would not consider counseling / working on the marriage. She had gone through an emotional detachment of sorts before gaining the courage to tell me.

We were married 10.5 years, and have been together for ~15 years. I helped put her through nursing school, and most recently CRNA school. She passed her state board exam 12/22/15 (great timing, I know). She gave the reasons - not in love with you anymore, and just not happy in the marriage. Although I was a bit shocked, I didn't have much of an emotional or angry response. I did suspect I was not being told the "whole truth", and probably did inquire with several questions.

This did kick-start a great weight loss program for me. No sleeping or eating for the first few days. I still have to take sleeping pills now, and usually get around 5-7 hours of sleep each night. I am eating three times a day. I received DR Sunday, and read the entire book - couldn't put it down. I have never been unfaithful, never harmed in any way, never raised my voice with my wife. We have accomplished amazing things together.

January 10th, I finally got my wife to admit that she was in love with another man. It did ironically take a lot of tightness / pain from my chest. Before he admittance, I was tormented with wandering thoughts and constant pain. Knowing the truth helped me a lot. I did turn to spiritual health and have had a great deal of support and guidance. My love for my wife has not diminished in any way, and I still have a strong hope that I will be with her again. When she did admit to the love affair, I told her that I support her, and that I want her to be happy and pursue what is in her heart. The depth of my love for her will not allow me to do anything but show her love and compassion. I do want her to be happy.

I had been doing most of the things in the book (both what I should and should not do). It has been a great help. I was so happy that I came to these forums, I was lucky enough to see some situations similar to mine, and many with successful endings. I would love the opportunity to gain wisdom / suggestions from others here, and would love to answer any questions as well.

I've become spiritually strong over the past four weeks. I know it's very early in the process, but I feel like I've been given an ability to love my wife even more. I initially got rid of a lot of junk around the house, emptied every room and cleaned / organized to have peaceful surroundings. I still have a bit to finish, and entire house can be overwhelming to clean / maintain for one person. She is giving me the house, so I am making efforts to make it beautiful. I have been exercising daily and am losing a lot of weight.

What's next for me is more spiritual growth and continued improvement. There is no possible outcome to my situation that is not positive. My wife still calls daily, and did ask about how I was feeling about the news of her love for another. I told her I want her to follow her heart and that she has my blessing.

Even with the blinders of the passionate love affair she has going on, she has commented on several changes. She's very impressed with what I've done with the house. She was very surprised by my haircut and weightloss. She thought I looked "so good" and looked skinny. What meant more to me though, was the things she noticed in my character. She said she thought I would react differently to the news of the divorce, and stated that I have responded in an admirable way, and that it says a lot about my character. Similar to my reaction to her love for another man admittance - she said she expected a very different reaction and again commented that I am a man of high character. Are these the responses that should give me hope? She is madly, passionately in love with another man, and has convinced herself that she is incredibly unhappy in our marriage. But, she continues to compliment me, admires me and thinks I am a man of character? I guess it gives me hope in the sense that I am, in her mind a man of character. With a clear head and a clear heart, how will she view a man's character that would pursue another man's wife? Any thoughts / hope / advice? So far, looks like a lot of patience is in order, but it's emotionally tough most days.

If you are both Christians, I don't understand you supporting her in her sin. I'm totally confused. I think you should be asking her how she views his character pursuing your wife.

Frankly, I don't think I would want my husband back after cheating on me. There are a lot of things I will forgive and continue a marriage, but that isn't one of them. I would certainly forgive, but I would never trust him again and would divorce.

[His Kid]

I have expressed those concerns to my wife. It seems headed for heartbreak and loneliness, but they do not hear that message when they think they're "in love". I continue to pray for my wife daily. I am technically still married at this time, so have not given up hope that she will see the devastation she is causing with this selfish decision.

"In love"? What a bunch of hooey. Usually people cheat because they are not being fulfilled in their marriage in some area, no? I highly doubt they are in love. Love does not develop during an adulterous affair. It is all lust.. and perhaps support of some kind that she is not getting from you.

[Texas Conservative]

I have expressed those concerns to my wife. It seems headed for heartbreak and loneliness, but they do not hear that message when they think they're "in love". I continue to pray for my wife daily. I am technically still married at this time, so have not given up hope that she will see the devastation she is causing with this selfish decision.

"In love"? What a bunch of hooey. Usually people cheat because they are not being fulfilled in their marriage in some area, no? I highly doubt they are in love. Love does not develop during an adulterous affair. It is all lust.. and perhaps support of some kind that she is not getting from you.

Or she's just not a great person.

[His Kid]

I have expressed those concerns to my wife. It seems headed for heartbreak and loneliness, but they do not hear that message when they think they're "in love". I continue to pray for my wife daily. I am technically still married at this time, so have not given up hope that she will see the devastation she is causing with this selfish decision.

"In love"? What a bunch of hooey. Usually people cheat because they are not being fulfilled in their marriage in some area, no? I highly doubt they are in love. Love does not develop during an adulterous affair. It is all lust.. and perhaps support of some kind that she is not getting from you.

Or she's just not a great person.

I liked your first response better. 

I agree. Some people are just creeps and they hide it well for years.