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Offline hopeful1

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Wife has moved out
« on: May 15, 2011, 04:39:03 PM »
My wife and I have been married for almost 4 years.  She has moved out of or apartment a little over 2 weeks ago.  I did not have any communication with her until a couple days ago when she emailed me about taking her name of off the lease.  I do not want to get a divorce. I have been praying and trying to let God take control of the situation.

Here is a little bit of what has happened. I cant remember the exact time, but it was about 6mths before we got married, I cheated on her.  We started dating in November of 2004 and We had a long distance relationship for 2005-2007.  I did not tell her that I cheated because I was a coward and was afraid that she would leave me.  I prayed to God for forgiveness and I felt in my heart that he did  but I still did not tell her.  The only thing I told her was that I kissed another girl and she was upset about it for a while.

I cheated in January of 07 and we got engaged in late may and married in July of 07.  She found out about my cheating this past December on new years eve.  She locked herself in the bathroom and cried for about an hour, then she came out and we hugged for about 30 mins and we sat on the couch and she asked me about everything.  I told her everything and that it was just that one night.  She said she forgave me and that she still trusted me and that I should not have carried that burden for so long in our marriage. And i broke down and cried and asked for her forgiveness and she said she forgave me. 

About a couple weeks afterward ( I'm guessing) she opened up to her friend Bob at work and told him about my cheating and then he opened up to her about him wanting to leave his wife.  That was the start of their emotional affair.  The beginning of February she told me that she had feeling for Bob and that she stopped them.  So I thought oh okay she stopped them, I have nothing to worry about. Plus I met the guy before and I thought that he wasn't a threat to me at all.  March came around and she started acting differently, i logged in to her email account and found all sorts of emails that they were sending each other and it broke my heart.  The sweet girl that I married had turned into this different person.  I told her about the emails and she informed that she would stop talking to him and asked if she needed to quit her job.  I told her no we could afford for her to quit her job and to just try and not talk to him. 

Since this is getting lengthy ill skip ahead to the meat. She ended up leaving me for a couple days this past April and slept with him multiple times.  When she told me I left our apartment and did not call her. 3 days later she came looking for me and wanted to work on our marriage, and I wanted to too. I thought that she ran off with the guy. and she had good reason too. This guy is 6'5"  230lbs  0% body fat, he is an ex army ranger, and he is a millionaire.  He offered to buy her a car, pay for her school, and he even got an apartment for the both of them since he was leaving his wife.  She left all of that and came back to me, a poor college student who makes less than 20,000 a year and is not over 6' and doesn't have the greatest body.  That proves to me that she loved me and that she had morals.  We were together for a week and he had picked out a couple of christian marriage counselors to go see, but then she left one day when I was at work. I came home to find a note on the table saying that she doesn't think that our marriage can be happy anymore and that she is dealing with too much guilt, pain, and unhappiness and that fixing our marriage is impossible.

I have been going to counseling for the past two weeks and am trying to strengthen my relationship with God and am working on myself.  I have prayed to God and he has made me see all of the mistakes I have made in my marriage. I was neglectful and focused too much on school and making sure that we were financially secure, and neglected her needs of affection and intimate conversation.  I was not the best husband that I could have been.  I see now what I have done and I'm afraid that it is too late.  I feel that God has made me see what Ive done and I want to be the husband that he has called me to be. I do not feel that our marriage is hopeless and I know that God can restore our marriage and give us an even deeper love that we have ever had.  I just wish that I could make her see that.  She doesn't want to meet with me and talk to me. I have tried to ask her and she said that she doesn't see any good coming from a face to face conversation.  Yesterday while I was in church she sent an email to my phone saying to pray for her because she doesn't have the power to see me.  I told her that I would and that I pray for both of us everyday that God will give us the strength to do his will.  I know God doesn't want my marriage to end in divorce and I feel that If he has done all of this work in my life in the past two weeks then he has done work in her life too.  But she is being so hurtful in the way that she emails me and responds to my requests to meet and talk about our marriage.  So as of now I am just sitting here and hoping that one day she will reach out to God and he will touch her and help her to see that walking away from our marriage is not the answer and that we should at least try and go to counseling and put God first in our marriage. I want to do things the right way, the way God intended.

Sorry for the novel.

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Wife has moved out
« on: May 15, 2011, 04:39:03 PM »

Offline IAMOK

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Re: Wife has moved out
« Reply #1 on: May 15, 2011, 09:50:24 PM »
Sorry you have to go through this pain right now. Sounds like you will get through it.

What I picked up on was you were married 4 years and your wife slept with another man then left you. I also heard a little low self worth on your part. Maybe alot.
Time is on your side. Don't assume anything rely on facts. Stay close to God and pray for the return of your wife. But more important pray for God's will. These situations are very hard. We want to control our spouce to make them do what is right or cause them to end our pain. Neither works well. She has made terrible choices and now has to deal with them. I don't feel you have done anything worthy of divorce.
You can choose to forgive her but she needs to make it right and decide where she wants to be..Then the counseling begins..
Oh! don't forget God is in control only if you let him be.
God Bless you.


IAMOK

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Re: Wife has moved out
« Reply #1 on: May 15, 2011, 09:50:24 PM »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Wife has moved out
« Reply #2 on: May 15, 2011, 10:08:34 PM »
Hi Hopeful
The facts are that you did wrong, as you know already, by cheating before marriage, but she has also acted very badly by cheating while married to you with this other man (who is also married). You cant blame yourself for her behaviour, you are only responsible for yours. No husband or wife is perfect and cheating is a choice that we make ourselves. Do you know if she is now with him?

Is she a believer? If so could your pastor or a trusted mature Christian lady go and speak to her?
If she is now with this man, this maybe why she doesnt want to see you, but you can only keep on praying and allowing God to work on you. What she does, and her relationship with God is up to her.Just pray that she will be open to God working and speaking.

I think it would have been very wise for her to get another job and cut off all contact with this other man, who is also acting so badly,and if she does get to the point of working on the marriage and coming back, then leaving her job would surely be needed.
Getting too close to work colleagues causes so much cheating, and so many divorces, I have seen it all around me, in my family, and among those who I know.Clear strict boundaries are needed with work colleagues of the opposite sex. If she needed to confide in someone, it needed to be another woman, preferably a Christin friend.

However for you, divorce is a long way off. She hasnt mentioned it and many things can change in the next few weeks or months. Keep hoping and trusting God to act.  

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Re: Wife has moved out
« Reply #2 on: May 15, 2011, 10:08:34 PM »

Offline hopeful1

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Re: Wife has moved out
« Reply #3 on: May 16, 2011, 06:27:46 AM »
I am trying my hardest to let go and give God control. I feel like I am but I'm not sure if I fully know how to do that. I have little moments throughout the days where my stomach is just going crazy and I feel that need to do something or say something to her. 

As far as I know, she is not with that man right now.  I think she is staying with a woman that she used to work with at her old job.  She wanted to work on our marriage after the affair and she ended up quitting her job for that reason.  The guy the affair was with was her boss.  After that she said she felt like a failure.  And I told her that she isn't a failure, she is a fighter because she is choosing to work on our marriage.  But her aunt went through a similar situation with her husband.  They cheated on each other multiple times and her aunt told her that she wouldn't have stayed if it wasn't for her kids.  then she told my wife that if there was nothing holding her to me that she should leave.  So i feel that all the support she is getting from her family and her friend is to leave and to not deal with the situation. 

She is a christian, but I would never ask a pastor or anyone to go talk to her, I feel that that would only make matters worse or that she would feel really embarrassed and get angry at me for involving someone else.

I feel that a face to face conversation would help us get these feelings out in the open. But she is only allowing me to have email contact with her.  And even that is very minimal.  And it does hurt me that she is acting this way toward me after 7 years of knowing each other.  Its just impossible to show her that I still love her and meet her needs through email.

But I am doing what I can to pray for her and our marriage everyday, and am praying that God will change me to be the husband and man that he has called me to be.  I'm asking everyone who reads this to pray that God would open her heart to do his will and draw closer to him.

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Re: Wife has moved out
« Reply #3 on: May 16, 2011, 06:27:46 AM »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Wife has moved out
« Reply #4 on: May 16, 2011, 06:47:42 AM »
Could you ask her to go and see the pastor together? Or a good Christian marriage counsellor?

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Re: Wife has moved out
« Reply #4 on: May 16, 2011, 06:47:42 AM »



Offline hopeful1

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Re: Wife has moved out
« Reply #5 on: May 16, 2011, 06:53:38 AM »
I asked her and I asked her family to tell her, I made an appointment the day after she first left. And her family told me that she wasn't going to go.  And I'm not sure if asking her now would be a good thing or not.  I want to be sure that she wants to work on our marriage before I ask her to go.

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Re: Wife has moved out
« Reply #5 on: May 16, 2011, 06:53:38 AM »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Wife has moved out
« Reply #6 on: May 16, 2011, 07:38:21 AM »
have you been to talk to him about it yourself? You do need some good godly support at this time

Offline hopeful1

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Re: Wife has moved out
« Reply #7 on: May 16, 2011, 07:53:40 AM »
I talked to the pastor of the church that Ive been going to and he said that he would be praying for the both of us. And he did give me his number to contact him to let him know how things are going. 

But I have been seeing a christian counselor for the past couple of weeks and it has been helping me.  She has given me some incite as to how my wife might be feeling.  But its hard to tell because she has never met my wife.  She has offered to email my wife and ask her if she would be willing to go in and talk to her, but I'm afraid that my wife would not go and cut off the little contact with me for good.  I feel like if I were to do anything or ask her anything that that would push her farther away.

I'm not sure if I should allow the counselor to email her or not.  Plus my wife does not have a means of transportation since she left her car at home.  I told her she should come pick it up and use it, but she never responded to that.


Offline hopeful1

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Re: Wife has moved out
« Reply #8 on: May 16, 2011, 09:51:20 AM »
Do you guys think I should send her this message or should I just keep praying and give her her space?

"I am staying at the apartment until August when the lease is up.  You don't have to worry about paying for anything, I do not expect you to.   I will find another place to live after that. I think that you should use the car since you do not have anyway to get around now.  The key is on the kitchen counter.

I think that we need to talk, so when you are ready to see me, let me know.  I hope you are doing okay.  I just want to let you know that I love you and I am giving you your space.  I am praying everyday for the both of us."

What do you think? Am I being too needy and will this push her away more?

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Re: Wife has moved out
« Reply #8 on: May 16, 2011, 09:51:20 AM »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Wife has moved out
« Reply #9 on: May 16, 2011, 10:43:09 AM »
Sounds OK to me.

Offline hopeful1

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Re: Wife has moved out
« Reply #10 on: May 16, 2011, 02:03:41 PM »
I just got this message from her. Im freaking out.

"I know you are still in the process of figuring out what u are doing, however i thought it might help to know what ill be doing. I will be sending movers to tge house by the end of the month to pick up my moms stuff (the couches and table). I would also like the washer and drier if u would like to keep the bed thats fine. I will be taking dpnl off of my name this week so if u are planning on staying in the apt you will need to call them to place it in ur name.  please let me know if u will be staying so i will know how to proceed with the apt ppl."


I now understand why God doesn't like divorce.  The feelings that I had for her after I got this message were not good at all.  I dont want them.  I want us to be together and for us to work our problems out but the reality is is she is done.

Offline hopeful1

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Re: Wife has moved out
« Reply #11 on: May 17, 2011, 12:00:48 PM »
Is it wrong to pray and ask God to let her miss me and be miserable without me?  And to ask that He let her see what she is doing to go against His word?

Offline chosenone

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Re: Wife has moved out
« Reply #12 on: May 17, 2011, 12:03:18 PM »
No I cant see what is wrong with that.

Offline SavedByBlood27

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Re: Wife has moved out
« Reply #13 on: May 17, 2011, 01:31:02 PM »
Yes, I believe this is wrong. I don't believe there is anything wrong with wishing she would "see the light" and work on the marriage together. I believe it is wrong to ask her to be miserable. Why? because you are hurting a daughter of God. I understand you're very hurt as I was in the beginning of our separation but you need to realize God values here much more than you do. Also, if you're wishing harm (in this case unhappiness) on your wife, then it's very possible your prayers will be hindered because if you are wishing harm, you truly have not forgiven her and in turn God will not forgive your trespasses. I know how much it hurts and sucks, but we need to be strong during this time and pray for them.

Offline hopeful1

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Re: Wife has moved out
« Reply #14 on: May 17, 2011, 02:09:35 PM »
I see your point.  And yes this does suck.  I guess I don't really want her to be miserable, I just want her to miss me as much as I miss her.  And I'm miserable.  This is extremely hard.  I know that God loves her more than I do.  I just wish I could see and understand his plan.  I'm so lonely.  Its hard going from having someone to come home to everyday to hug and kiss and hold. Then one day I go home and there is no one home except a note on the table, and now I go home to an empty house every night.  And its about to be even barer since she plans to send movers to the house to get the furniture out.

lol this sounds horrible but its how I feel.  I know God is there for me, but i miss the physical and emotional bond with my wife.  Please continue to pray that I have the wisdom, strength and understanding to endure this suffering. And that God will let her "see the light" and bring her home.