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Offline hopeful1

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Re: Wife has moved out
« Reply #35 on: Wed Jun 15, 2011 - 15:18:57 »
Its been a while.  But tomorrow my wife is supposed to come pick up the rest of her things.  Its been seven weeks since Ive seen her.  I don't know what to say to her.  I want to ask her where she is staying and where she is working at, but part of me just wants to let her be.  I planned on just helping her pack her stuff up ( as much as it will kill me), asking her if I could pray with her, and then just letting her leave.  I don't know if I should even try and talk to her.  I feel like I should just let her go and just continue praying for her and our marriage.
Please pray for me tomorrow that I will be at peace and not emotional and that Gods love and wisdom fill me.  Pray that she may see a change in me and that God continues to work on her heart. Thanks guys.

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Re: Wife has moved out
« Reply #35 on: Wed Jun 15, 2011 - 15:18:57 »

Offline hopeful1

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Re: Wife has moved out
« Reply #36 on: Fri Jun 17, 2011 - 11:58:13 »
Update:
We have been emailing back and forth all morning.  She feels that coming back would bring me alot of pain.  We talked for a while yesterday as she was picking up her things. I know she still has feelings for me.  And she wants to do the right thing, but she is afraid of hurting me.
I told her that I am not afraid of being hurt.  Fear does not come from God it is from satan, The fear that does come from God is a different type of fear that does not make us afraid but its one that draws us closer to Him.  And if there is pain that comes with her coming back, I know that God will take it away.  It will only last a short while, joy will come in the morning.
I have faith in God to work in her heart. I know that the Holy Spirit is tugging at her heart right now.  I am not giving up and am continuing to pray for her and her struggle.  Thanks you for all of you who prayed for us. Continue to pray for us, for this is not over.  Its only by Gods strength and hope that I am able to press on and keep fighting for my marriage.  Ive gone through such a transformation through these past weeks. I owe Him all the praise and glory that I have made it this far.

Offline anx

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Re: Wife has moved out
« Reply #37 on: Fri Jun 17, 2011 - 13:15:37 »
That is good news. I agree that her coming back would probably bring happiness and some pain. I've heard things like that before. It's almost like she is justifying not moving back because she doesn't want to hurt you. I've heard a few totally nonsensical things from my wife when she was hurting.

Best of luck and God bless.

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Re: Wife has moved out
« Reply #37 on: Fri Jun 17, 2011 - 13:15:37 »

Offline TJW

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Re: Wife has moved out
« Reply #38 on: Sat Jun 18, 2011 - 07:34:14 »
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And she wants to do the right thing, but she is afraid of hurting me.

This may not be nonsensical at all.  Firstly, you have to consider that your wife has been on the receiving side of pain induced by infidelity.  She knows first-hand just how painful it can be.

Secondly, your wife may actually be making a wise and judicious decision.  She may know in her heart that her affair isn't over.  She may also know in her heart that it won't ever be over and is struggling between doing the "right thing" and "what she wants to do".

Sometimes, the things which destroy the marriage happen in the aftermath of a discovered affair.  The LBS gets crucified by the things the WS says and does because there is not a firm decision in the WS to end the affair.  The WS may have stopped physically "seeing" the OP, but has not settled the heart issues and the OP remains a major factor which remains as an interloper in the marriage.

Remember, also, that her OM remains a part of her life even though she may not be dating him.  He is present in her place of work.  Because you two "cannot afford" for her to quit, she is faced with a hell of a predicament.  The OM may be trying to "get back in", her heart may be wanting to stay with him even though her convictions and morals say no.  She has a really tough problem which could be somewhat solved with no contact.

That's why, in my mind, you "cannot afford" for her to stay employed there.  That is, if you want your marriage restored.   If I wanted a restoration, I would place the "boundary" of FOREVER NO CONTACT to this OM.  Losing a job is tough.  Sorry. Choose the behaviour, choose the consequences. 

That being said, I want to make it clear that I would want no reconciliation, at this point.  I lived through multiple affairs from my first wife, trying to "please God", trying to "save my family", etc.  I am here to tell you that the reward I got was not worth the pain of going through it. 

Personally, I think you should take your wife at her word on this.  It may save you a lot of grief, going forward.

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Re: Wife has moved out
« Reply #38 on: Sat Jun 18, 2011 - 07:34:14 »

Offline hopeful1

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Re: Wife has moved out
« Reply #39 on: Tue Jun 21, 2011 - 09:36:00 »
TJW thank you for your post.  And even though I do not agree with everything you said, I still respect your opinion.

Im not going to give up and throw in the towel. I do not care what she or anyone else says to me about letting her go.  I know that God would not want me to let her go. Seriously, marriage is a covenant...a promise to God.  A marriage covenant...a promise to God and to your wife that you will love them until death or until the Lord returns. 
My wife is literally "sick" right now in doing what she is doing.  So I am loving her and honoring her in sickness and in health. 
No matter what anyone tells me I am not giving up and am standing for my marriage for as long as God is giving me this strength.  I almost gave up and almost agreed with her wanting to divorce.  But in praying for God to soften her heart, he softened mine and now I do not want anything to do with something God hates.  It das never Gods intention to allow divorce. But because of sin that cause peoples hearts to be hardened, Moses, not God, allowed this exception of divorce.

Mathew 19:8
"Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning"

So this is how  I see it, and this is what I believe.  The bible instructs husbands to love their wives, no where in the bible does it say wives love your husbands. Its not there.  So i appreciate eveyones opinions of telling me that I should move on and let this divorce happen, I thank you for you opinion but I do not agree with that.

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Re: Wife has moved out
« Reply #39 on: Tue Jun 21, 2011 - 09:36:00 »



Offline hopeful1

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Re: Wife has moved out
« Reply #40 on: Tue Jun 21, 2011 - 09:45:50 »
That being said I have another update.

 I know God is doing work on my wifes heart.  And I praise Him for everything He is doing.  I praise Him for giving me the strength to stand for my marriage.  But this is an email that I got from her on Saturday.  

"I went to church today and ive been shaking and crying ever since......he said "God makes impossible love possible"....have you watched Gods love letter?.... The pastor came up to me after church, said God put it in his heart to reach out to me....."

Praise God!! He answered my prayers to touch her heart and to put someone of Godly influence in her life!!

So after receiving this email, I haven't heard anything back from her in two days.  This is where Satan is starting to put thoughts of discouragement and hopelessness in my mind.

I'm asking all who read this to keep her in your prayers.  I believe she is struggling with letting the OM go.  I think she feels addicted.  Pray for her and for my patience in waiting for Gods miracle. Thank you and God bless you all.

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Re: Wife has moved out
« Reply #40 on: Tue Jun 21, 2011 - 09:45:50 »

Offline anx

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Re: Wife has moved out
« Reply #41 on: Tue Jun 21, 2011 - 10:12:28 »
That is great news. I wanted to say quickly that the hardest part for me has been the amount of time. I also often see God directly at work in my marriage, but sometimes a few weeks or a month will pass where I don't see any improvement or things are rough. Keeping hope and not doing something dumb during those times has been my biggest struggle. If God is directly working in you wife you may still have a long road ahead. Keep focused on heaven. This world and the hurt will drag you down. I read James and 1 peter a bit ago and it helped. They speak of perseverance. I think about my life and other than my marriage issues, I life such a blessed and easy life when compared to the rest of the world or history. It staggers me to think about sometimes.

My will for my marriage is a quick fix and a wife that loves me deeply tomorrow. I think God's plan is longer term than that. Being ok with that and praising God though all the hurt is hard. Waiting has been hard. Creating character through perseverance takes time. I know I am a better man now than before all of this, but its still very hard.

Anyways, stay stong with an ear to God. Try to follow his lead and plan even though things look dark.
« Last Edit: Tue Jun 21, 2011 - 10:22:57 by anx »

Offline hopeful1

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Re: Wife has moved out
« Reply #42 on: Mon Jun 27, 2011 - 13:30:37 »
     Yes, waiting is the hardest part. Being anxious for a quick restoration is part of the flesh wanting and longing to be with your spouse. Its really hard.  But God's will is way better than my will. 
     So she showed up at my job this past Friday. We talked for only about an hour or so.  She basically told me that she is staying in an apartment with the OM.  Which I already knew, but she didn't know that I knew.  I told her that I have been praying for her everyday multiple times a day for the past two months and she started to tear up. 
     She says that she knows that everything I said to her about God being the source of our strength and healing in our marriage is true, but that she is really confused emotionally about everything.  And that she is trying to get out of the apartment where they are staying so that she could be alone for a while and get her self together .
     I told her that I understand that she is having a hard time and that if she wants to move back into our apartment, I would move out and she could be there.  But she says that she is not ready emotionally for that yet, which I didn't really get.  But she said she wants to try and come back home but that she feels that she cant just jump from one place to the other just like that.  And that she was going to talk to that pastor that reached out to her a couple weeks ago. 
     But I told her that, as her husband I know that its my responsibility to help her if she will let me, whether it be to find someplace safe for her to stay or to pay for her hotel stay until she is ready to come back home.  I told her that I will not stop praying and trusting in God for the healing of our marriage and that this ring has never left my finger and it wont leave it, and that I will be here waiting and praying until she feels that she is ready to come back home. 
     So this is the hardest thing for me to do but I am praying that God continues to work in heart and in the both of our lives and brings her home soon.  Please continue to pray for us. Thanks guys.

Offline TJW

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Re: Wife has moved out
« Reply #43 on: Tue Jun 28, 2011 - 07:38:46 »
Quote
no where in the bible does it say wives love your husbands. Its not there.

No sir, this is a falsehood which has been promulgated by satan as one of his counterfeit "truths" which is, in reality, a complete blasphemy.

Titus 2: 1-5 (KJV)

But speak thou the things which become sound doctrine:  That the aged men be sober, grave, temperate, sound in faith, in charity, in patience.  The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things;  That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,  To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.

So, yes, it IS THERE.  Not only is it here, but the Lord Jesus Christ said that one of the two summarial statements of "the law" was that we are to "love our neighbor as ourself".    It is quite obvious to me from this statement alone that wives are indeed to love their husbands.

The Lord Jesus Christ also instructed us in Matthew 7:12 to "do unto others as we would have them do unto us".  If a wife wants to be loved by her husband, she should therefore love her husband.

Quote
I understand that she is having a hard time and that if she wants to move back into our apartment, I would move out and she could be there.
But she says that she is not ready emotionally for that yet, which I didn't really get.
But I told her that, as her husband I know that its my responsibility to help her if she will let me, whether it be to find someplace safe for her to stay or to pay for her hotel stay until she is ready to come back home.
I will be here waiting and praying until she feels that she is ready to come back home. 

Ok.  I want you to "get" something.  You are being a complete "wuss".  There is nothing in this world less attractive to a woman than a "wuss".

What your wife REALLY wants from you is for you to STAND UP TO HER.  Tell her that you will not accept some philandering, two-timing LIAR for your wife.  You only want, and you will only accept, a woman who is ready to live up to her promise to you and to God.  That you would rather have no wife than the one she is being, and,  that's exactly what you are going to have, no wife at all, unless she says goodbye forever to this turkey  TODAY  and moves out on her own and gets her act together.  And, she got herself into this mess, she can get herself out.  You are not going to pay for her sin.  Go talk to your Saviour.  I'm not Him.

When she has been completely on her own with NO CONTACT to the wife-stealing bozo for about 6 months, you and her can then BEGIN to talk about rebuilding your marriage.  IF, you are still available and haven't found a promise-keeping woman by then.

Try James Dobson's "Love Must be Tough".  It's one of the most biblically-sound, best treatises on marital infidelity to be found.



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Re: Wife has moved out
« Reply #43 on: Tue Jun 28, 2011 - 07:38:46 »

Offline hopeful1

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Re: Wife has moved out
« Reply #44 on: Tue Jun 28, 2011 - 08:53:15 »
Okay, I admit I was wrong about the wife love your husbands thing. His word is truth. Forgive me for that statement.

And I know you think I'm a wuss, but I am doing what I think is best in this situation.  You only read and know what I choose to share on here, you don't know what the emotions on the opposite side during the conversations.

Quote
You are not going to pay for her sin.  Go talk to your Savior.  I'm not Him

What are you talking about here?...Did anyone every give you the idea that you were my Savior? No.
I know who my Savior is.  And I know what relationship I have with my Jesus. So I still respect the way you feel, but I know I'm doing what I feel is right in my heart.

But I do agree with you on standing up to her and not agreeing with what she is doing.  She knows that I don't, i have told her that.  I have never given her the idea that I was okay with whatever she is doing.  She came to me and told me that she is trying to get out of that situation, me being her husband, knowing that she knows she made mistakes and she is trying to fix them, cannot just sit and watch her struggle to pick herself up.  I am her HUSBAND, I am supposed to be there with unconditional love, gentleness, meekness, and forgiveness.  Of course, I'm going to offer to help her if she is struggling.  She doesn't make enough money to go out and get her own place and she has no one to turn to.  Her family lives 5 hours away.  So I am the only one here to help her. 

And I would not go out and "find another promise keeping wife",  that is such a worldly thing to do.

  I made this promise to God and my wife until death or His return.   I do not care what she may do,  I will not agree to divorce.  I know the covenant that I made with my Heavenly Father.  Its sad to see christians give up on marriages so easily knowing the promise they made to God.  If you have the desire to divorce or thought that if your spouse were to ever do anything to hurt you you would divorce then, you need to pray to God to drive that sin out of your heart.  You should be ashamed of even thinking about marriage if you feel that way. 

Divorce will never find a place in my heart. And I thank God for opening my eyes before I even made the mistake of agreeing to it.

Offline chosenone

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Re: Wife has moved out
« Reply #45 on: Tue Jun 28, 2011 - 10:28:34 »
hopeful
You wife knows exactly what she needs to do, and God has clearly shown her, the rest is up to her . It does not mean that she will do the right thing, because the right thing is to leave the man now and cut off all contact for good, but you can keep praying that she will. You say that she has nowhere to go, but you have given her a solution to that, so she now has no excuse. Its her decision.

As for thinking of ending a marriage being sin, under certain circumstances God allows divorce, and I do know people (including myself) who God clearly led to separate and divorce their spouses for serious reasons. Adultery is so very very serious, after all had she lived in OT times she would have been stoned to death, and I think that people forget that it breaks the marriage covenant and destroys the trust.
You have decided that you can have her back if she chooses the right way, some cannot, and I don't condemn then at all, because even God knows that for many there is no way back from such serious and appalling betrayal.

Offline hopeful1

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Re: Wife has moved out
« Reply #46 on: Tue Jun 28, 2011 - 10:37:36 »
chosen,
I completely agree with you.  But I believe that reconciliation should be sought first before divorce.  I am giving her that chance now.  If divorce happens in this situation, it will not be from me.  All I can do is to keep praying and trusting in God.   

Offline chosenone

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Re: Wife has moved out
« Reply #47 on: Tue Jun 28, 2011 - 11:25:49 »
yes depending on the circumstances reconciliation can work, but that does depend on why the marriage is ending, and, if the reaoson is adultery, whether the cheated on spouse can ever trust them again, or even bring themslevs to ever have sex with that person again(and some cannot). 
I am not going to say why my marriage ended, but 3 different church leaders advised me that divorce was my only option in the circumstances. Reconcoliation wasnt an option.

 

     
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