Author Topic: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?  (Read 43969 times)

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Offline Ben

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #140 on: Sat Feb 13, 2010 - 11:50:15 »
I think a slight slight change to the wording of the above scripture is in order, "A double minded woman is unstable in ALL her ways."

I think filing for a divorce is a good idea. It lets her know YOU MEAN BUSINESS. No more namby pamby beating around the bush.  This may be what it takes to wake her up. I STRONGLY suggest that you remain single for at least one year in order to allow her to time to get her screwed up head unscrewed up! 

My ex wanted to reconcile three months after she left me for "Mr. Perfect" (who turned out to be Mr. Jerk) but I had already met my future "real" wife and was not interested in remarrying an unsaved adulterer.  That was 35 years ago and she is still an unsaved adulterer.  I continue to pray for her nearly every day.

Ben


Offline chosenone

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #141 on: Sat Feb 13, 2010 - 11:54:51 »
Hello all

Quick update on the situation; she received my letter, and her response was "no offense, but no thanks". Plain and simple. The good news is, that freed my spirit and I'm now for the most part at peace with proceeding with divorce.

I asked her a few days ago one final time if she'd consider reconciliation, and she bluntly said "not going to happen" (all of this through texting). So, I informed her I'd probably be  filing for divorce later this month. I also let her know she can stop the process at any time, if she genuinely asks and wants to.

Ironically, our wedding anniversary is Feb 28.

I've already spoken with my pastor and let him know. He's more than supportive, and prayed for me and her. I continue to pray for her, and continue to love her, but have to start the slow process of picking up the pieces and moving forward with my life.

Thank you all once again for your prayers. God can still work miracles, if my wife decides to let Him. I'll keep updating as things develop.


  PJ God Bless you. You have done all that you can, but she has heardened her heart.

son of God

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #142 on: Sat Feb 13, 2010 - 13:01:51 »
As I was in the shower and thinking about this thread, I recalled a number of scriptures that spoke of God finally having put up with enough, and in one instance was even going to destroy the Israelites, but Moses stood in the way and God relented.

I don't know what all this gal has done.  Or the husband, either.  Based upon such ignorance, I can see grounds for going either way on it.  Yet I must come back to Christ, where He said that divorce in the OT by Moses, which was only for adultery, is not God's way, but is permitted only because of the hard heart of those insisting on putting the adulterous spouse away.

But most believers love to think themselves Godly minded even as they do that which God says is only done by an insitantly hard heart.  O well.  What can we expect?  The church has the wicked fruit to back up their "wisdom". 

Offline primaryjustice

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #143 on: Thu Feb 18, 2010 - 15:31:44 »
son of God and Ben: Thank you for your different perspectives on this thread and what's been happening. I have to say I've definitely struggled with the idea of divorce, and have prayed and tried to learn as much as possible from God's word about divorce. My ultimate conclusion, based in part on the words of Christ in Mat 19:9, is that while it is not God's best, it is not a sin to divorce a spouse who chooses of their own free will to continue in sexual immorality. To not rehatch the entire thread, essentially what has happened is, based on my wife's own words, that she "checked out" of our marriage, went out and had an affair, and refuses to give it up. After repeated requests that she end it, I asked her to move out. Now, several attempts at reconciliation later with clear "NO" responses, I've come to the point of divorce.

son of God, I'm genuinely curious about what your recommendation would be in this case. I mean that with complete honesty, not in any accusatory way. I'm not rushing into this by any means, and if I've missed something in the Bible, I'll read, study, and defer to it if necessary. My goal is to do what's right in God's eyes, and thus far I think I have been. Don't get me wrong, I messed up, big time, in my marriage (no excuse for an affair though) by not being obedient to God, so I've learned the value behind doing what He says I should.

chosenone: I'm learning to not judge the conditions of a persons heart, but only their actions. Her actions speak of someone who has hardened her heart primarly to God, and in doing so, has been able to kick me out completely. If that is the case, I hope she comes back to Christ and is able to reconcile with Him, first and foremost. Thank you for all of your prayers during this time. Please continue to keep my wife and myself in prayer, even at this stage.

Offline ForgivenDaughter

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #144 on: Thu Feb 18, 2010 - 16:22:45 »
PJ ~

I have pretty much stayed out of your thread in terms of replying because I came into it in the middle of the drama and took a wait and see attitude with it.  You were getting good advice and I really didn't feel that I could contribute to it.

You can find my story should you want to seek it out, primarily in the introductions, and throughout some of the other threads around the same topic as yours.

Depending on exactly where you are with all this, and I really don't blame you if you feel that divorce is the only option - my only question is do you really feel like you tried everything?  I recently posted to PCP in his thread asking if he had tried a last ditch effort with a marriage conference.   

I have seen many people in your predicament, divorce papers actually in the car throughout the conference, that have had their marriages restored.  They still had work to do, but they had a sense of hope - and that's what you need in order to move forward.

I know it appears that she has truly hardened her heart to you and to your marriage, however, it is very possible that she feels that there is no way that she will ever be forgiven by you, that it would most certainly come up in a new fight and rehashed, and that she might as well start over because that's the only option she sees.  Being blinded by the 'grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side' glasses doesn't help either - it takes awhile to figure out that is where the leech field is....

By the time my husband discovered my wayward ways, it wasn't just one affair that he discovered and I was so overcome with fear that I believed with all my heart that he would never be able to forgive me and that my life with him was over.  Now it doesn't appear that she has become unstable (as I did), but she really is thinking and behaving out of fear (whether she'll admit it or not) and a sense that she might as well harden her heart cuz really she doesn't feel like she has any other option.  And I really doubt she is in a place at the moment to be that brutally honest with herself.

Before you give up all together and follow through with actually signing those documents, ask her if she would go to a conference with you (I promote the FamilyLife Weekend To Remember because it is the one my husband and I attended).  You can sit on opposite sides of the conference room - you will only have to talk when you do your assignments - my hubby and I fought the entire time we first went. (Ideas on how to ask her are posted in PCP's thread.)  If she agrees to go, and you would like to receive the group discount, just let me know and I will get you to my group site so you can get the discount.

The worst she can say is no....and you'd be in no different condition than you are now.

I will continue to pray for you...

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #144 on: Thu Feb 18, 2010 - 16:22:45 »

Offline primaryjustice

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #145 on: Sat Feb 27, 2010 - 16:04:38 »
ForgivenDaughter - Thank you so much for your post. I have generally tried to stay within this one thread since I don't feel I'm in any position to be giving advice right now, however I did look up your story, and you share many things in common with my wife. You both have a similar history and past, and you both struggled with suicide attempts. Early on in this thread, I detailed how about three weeks after I discovered my wife's affair, she downed a bunch of pills, spent a week in a hospital, and still kept her heart hardened. I like your idea of a marriage conference, however I know at this point my wife would say no, primarily because she said very clearly this week that she isn't even comfortable talking to me on the phone. I will, however, keep it in the front of my mind right now, especially since some very interesting stuff came up this week.

My wife finally found a place with a roomate about a week and a half ago, and came by this past Wednesday to pick up more of her stuff. That afternoon I received a text from her asking me if I cared if she lived or died. I happened to have taken the day off work to help at my church, so I was blessed enough to be able to go straight to my pastor and have him pray with me. Long story short, after about two hours of back and forth texting of which she a) expressed her first bit of regret over this b) told me she loved me for the first time since she left and c) actually insinuated that we may have a chance if I were to leave my current (her former) church, I realized something. My wife is not happy, unlike the impression she seems to give off. Essentially, she told me she doesn't care about living. She finally has everything she wanted; her freedom, her own income, her own place, and I'm guessing she's still dating this guy, and it's empty...completely empty, and I think she's starting in some small way to realize that.

I tried my best to point her to God, and offered to pray with her although she wouldn't take my call. I reassured her that she does matter to God, that He has a purpose for her life, and that she has a lot to live for, however it's up to her to come to Him and repent.

At this point, I'm a bit stumped. I'm completely aware that she could very well be lying and just trying to get attention, or just messing with me for whatever reason. Or, she genuinely could be struggling with the weight of guilt of what she's done. All I can do is continue to pray that she will be receptive to the voice of the Holy Spirit in her heart and turn back to Him. Like I've said before, only if shce can do that does our marriage have any hope.

Please continue to pray for my wife and myself. Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary.

Offline ForgivenDaughter

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #146 on: Sat Feb 27, 2010 - 16:56:45 »
PJ~
Of course I will continue to pray - for both of you and for your marriage.  Unfortunately, your wife probably believes that if she just makes this change or that change...gets a job, finds a place to live, gets some 'freedom'...that she will be happy.  The reality of it is that  we just end up finding ourselves emptier than we were before - talk about downward spiral.  She might need to reach the bottom of that pit before she really believes there is another way.

I would hazard a guess that she wants you to leave the church you are in because they are saying things that are very convicting and she doesn't want to hear them...if she really is willing to find another church with you - take her up on it - go together to check out a church each Sunday  that's a good start.

In the meanwhile, continue to do the work you need to do on your own self - she will see the difference in you...There is one book that I would recommend, actually for both of you at this stage, if she would even take the advice from you, but she doesn't have to read it for you to get something out of it because it's not a 'couples' thing - and that is "Soul Healing" by Dr. Tammy Smith.  It will really help with the baggage that you bring with you from your pre-married life.  It really did more for me than any of the multitude of therapists I've seen over the years (decades) of my life.

I completely understand about the marriage conference and where you are right now.  In addition to keeping it in the mix, you might want to just look up some, whether it's FL's or someone elses, I hear there is one Chapman started or promotes, that is also very good, but look to see when they are in your area, so that should/when she agree(s) to attend one, you are already prepared with the when and where.

As for your anniversary tomorrow - do not let it pass unnoticed.  You could give her a card.  It should not be all lovey, flowerly, the world is perfect - cuz that wouldn't be the truth - if you have a Christian bookstore around - there are greeting cards that spun off of the movie "Fireproof" - one of those would work very well I think.  But if you can't find that - at least acknowledge the day, in some way - even if it is a text saying "hey - I wish we could celebrate today together - I am thinking about you" would be sufficient....but don't pretend the day doesn't have significance.

God Bless

Offline NeedingYourPrayers

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #147 on: Sun Feb 28, 2010 - 17:20:43 »
PrimaryJustice, it sounds like your situation is extremely close to mine. My wife split exactly 3 months ago for her h.s. boyfriend from 36 years ago whom she tracked down on the internet. I went through the shock, anger, sorrow, begging, pleading, etc stages and brought it to my church, to my pastor and prayed for God's will. (Hoping His will would be for us to reconcile and repair our marriage. I had hoped the Holy Spirit would move her heart but it didn't happen.)

Up until 2 weeks ago I had phoned, emailed and texted her pleading with her to reconcile our marriage. She was not moved to do so. When she came to retrieve some of her belongings 1 month ago, she looked like she had aged 10 years. (So much for "pleasure in sin for a season.") Her sin has really taken a toll upon her physically and now I no longer pray for reconciliation. I simply pray that she will return to Christ (and stop grieving the Holy Spirit) because no spouse who claims to be a Christian can ever have ANY peace while engaged in a sinful lifestyle.

Even though I have accepted that the marriage is really over, I now feel only sorrow and pity for what she has brought upon herself and for the consequences that will follow her disobedience to God.

Your situation may be different but after 3 months of deep depression, torment and agony in my heart, I've accepted the situation and I'm trying to repair my life.

May God help you as well, my friend.


Offline Gabrielle A

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #148 on: Mon Dec 20, 2010 - 04:28:49 »
Hi primaryjustice!

I may be a little late on this one...I hope not... ::pondering::

Quote
What complicates this it that she is completely in love with the man. She has always had a difficult time opening her heart to me, or anyone, but apparently she did with this man. She gave him her heart, soul, and body.

Spiritual adultery can be a fore-runner to physical adultery. It tends to happen when someone shares their personal, intimate details about their life with someone who is not their spouse which can cause an ungodly soul-tie. (A soul connection between two people who have opened up to one another emotionally). This should never happen.

 Married couples must work out their personal problems together except by mutual agreement if counselling is sought. To determine whether this has happened (and I believe it has) pray that the Lord break the ungodly soul-tie connected between your wife and this man in the name of Jesus and ask the Lord to restore what the devourer has stolen from you both, to bring reconciliation and restoration and a newness to your marriage according to his will, in Jesus name!  ::prayinghard::

Yeshua Bless you!

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #148 on: Mon Dec 20, 2010 - 04:28:49 »

Offline dashreeve

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #149 on: Mon Jan 25, 2016 - 13:20:29 »
I realize that this topic is from 6+ years ago, bu I am in the same situation now. Was wondering if there was any update on this 6 years later? Any stories of hope?

 

     
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