Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?

[primaryjustice]

As always, thanks for the responses. I feel that I'm going to have to address a few things that were written a few posts up.

Regarding the discussion between Phoebe and Chosenone - I've dealt with suicide attempts in my family before, and I tend to agree that most people that bring it up want attention more than anything else. My sister tried it several times when she was a teenager. We are both in our twenties now and she can reflect on it and say that yeah, she didn't want to die, only to get attention and feel loved, since she felt none before. I don't feel that my sister wanted to really die, but she sure did end up getting a lot of attention, and not very good attention, after being locked up for trying. I've always believed that if someone really sets their mind on dying, they will be able to end their lives very quickly. There are a number of ways my wife could have taken her life that would have been quick, painless, and permanent. She chose a way that she already knew (she told me knew the stuff clears your system quick, she did her research apparently) would probably not kill her but get my attention pretty good.

Having said that, I regret not having taken her threats seriously. No one ever really knows if it's for attention or for real until afterwords, and I have no excuse for not having contacted a professional the first time she even mentioned this. I had no real way of being sure, and I should have, and will from now on contact someone the moment anyone goes there and I know they're serious. This will most likely precipitate a 72 hour hold, which will at least immediately stablize the situation. Also, I've realized my wife has been afraid of being placed on a hold, so I don't believe she will ever try this again. Bottom line, it's probably not real, but since we don't know, we have to err on the side of caution. That's where I stand on that.

Chosen - re: the apt, she says she doesn't want to be a "burden" on anyone, whatever that means. You hit the nail on the head about the father. She's always had that issue, since her father was abusive to her mother and she witnessed the abuse and his neglect as a small child. This is something she will hopefully finally start getting worked out in counseling and through prayer. Hopefully she'll be able to come out of it stronger.

HAH - It sounds like they've determined she's not suicidal anymore, and may never have really been. They've stopped their 24 hour watch on her, and she may be released as soon as they can make sure her liver is stable (hopefully no permanent liver damage, but it would be something to permanently remind her of the preciousness of this life).

Thank you so much for that list and advice. What I've begun doing is taking all of the different materials I'm reading and learning, and adapting them to work for the path I'm starting to take with all of this. I like those individual points as well as the concept overall of basically showing your spouse that you can live without them and having them realize what they're giving up. I am definitely going to add that to my "arsenal" so to speak, and will definitely report back on results as time progresses. While I'm not going to give up on our marriage, I'm also not going to let it define my identity. My identity is in Christ, not the marriage or my wife.

Thanks again to all. This forum and your advice continue to be a great source of hope and support during this very difficult time. Please keep my wife and myself in prayer, and yes, even the other man. All I can pray for him is that he come to know Christ, beyond that I can pray for nothing for him.

[haveahope]

Sounds like you are at a good place.  Good for you.  I totally get the 'not giving up on your marriage' mindset.  There is always hope - In Christ.  Romans 8:28, for sure!!!

Do you have kids? ages?

HAH

[primaryjustice]

HAH - While I've started wanting kids recently, right now I'm super thankful we don't have any. This whole thing would have an entire, completely different dimension if they were there. I have a friend who has gone through almost the exact same thing with his wife, but it's starting to push two years now because he is trying to do what's best for his child.

God knows what he's doing, and I completely understand now why we have no kids.

[avenger]

Sir,
     My question to you is why you haven't already left this woman?  Why would you want to reconcile with someone capable of such destruction?  It is my opinion that she's evil....as is anyone who commits the ultimate betrayal.  As far as her "knowing the Bible" is concerned...that means nothing...Satan knows it better than all of us.
If it were me, I would leave and never look back...you deserve better.

Avenger

[primaryjustice]

Avenger - I appreciate your position on this, and you're right about Satan knowing God's word. The bible says in James 2:19 that "even the demons believe [that there is one God] and tremble. Additionally, I appreciate your sentiment that I deserve better. I do, however, have to disagree with you about my wife specifically being evil. One thing I am constantly being reminded of during all of this is that all humans are inherently evil. According to the bible, we are all born into sin and saved by grace through repentance and acceptance. She is no different than you or I in that respect. True, she has made a number of horrible mistakes and remains in unrepentant sin, but from what I've read in the bible, it's essentially my choice what to do at this point.

Looking at it from one perspective, I do have very clear biblical grounds for divorce. I could file the papers today and not lose any sleep at night thinking I'm being in any way disobedient to God. That is, however, a choice and not a commandment. There's a lot in the bible that indicates that God indeed does not like divorce, and feels it is not good, even when it is justified. So essentially from what I understand, either way is biblically correct.

That said, I also took a marriage for for better or worse. I am choosing to honor that vow regardless of whether she honors hers or not. I am not responsible for her behavior and poor choices, only my own. In reading back at how many times God forgave His people, despite the fact that they constantly kept falling, I have to accept that God forgives and loves unconditionally. Part of that, however, is that he did let them suffer the consequences of their actions, which in my case, my wife is now suffering and will continue to suffer for the indefinite future. That comes with the territory as a result of her choices. With the help of friends, family, and you all here on this forum, I have been able to see more of her behavior for what it is, and am adjusting mine to make sure I get out of the way and let her suffer the consequences of her action.

One final thought that's driving me...if we don't reconcile, I plan on marrying again in the future. I need to be able to show my future wife that my commitment to marriage is for a lifetime, and that in as much as I was able to, I did everything I could to save my marriage, and was unable to do so entirely as a result of an unrepentant spouse. I need my future children to know I will never, ever abandon them. That's one thing that drives me to do stay.

Thanks again for your reply avenger!

[UtahDad]

One final thought that's driving me...if we don't reconcile, I plan on marrying again in the future. I need to be able to show my future wife that my commitment to marriage is for a lifetime, and that in as much as I was able to, I did everything I could to save my marriage, and was unable to do so entirely as a result of an unrepentant spouse. I need my future children to know I will never, ever abandon them. That's one thing that drives me to do stay.

Good answer.  I had my wife abandon me a month ago today, the only contact I have had has been bad with her saying God had called her to file for divorce.  From what I have gathered she is also committing adultery with her ex that should be in jail for stuff that he did to her.  People ask me why I am still wearing my ring after all this as I wait for her to file the papers and I answer them along the same lines as what you wrote.  I have done everything I can to the point of looking like a total fool but when I do find someone in the future my actions will speak a lot for my character.

I went thru many years of lies, affairs, and other unmentionable things.  Remember that no matter what she does or says, it is NOT your fault that she chooses to do these things.  I suffered for a long time thinking that somehow I drove my wife to do these things and would always be trying to change myself so she would stop when in all actuality, she was the one with a problem.

[primaryjustice]

UtahDad - It's heartbreaking to hear what you've endured and are currently going through. Know that God honors your commitment to marriage, and I completely agree with you that your actions do speak volumes. In the long run, you will be able to look back with a clear conscience and know what you did was right.

I hope for the best result in your situation, and please know you will be in my prayers. Pain tends to be God's way of growing us, and these kind of experiences can add volumes to our testimony for Him.

[chosenone]

One final thought that's driving me...if we don't reconcile, I plan on marrying again in the future. I need to be able to show my future wife that my commitment to marriage is for a lifetime, and that in as much as I was able to, I did everything I could to save my marriage, and was unable to do so entirely as a result of an unrepentant spouse. I need my future children to know I will never, ever abandon them. That's one thing that drives me to do stay.

Good answer.  I had my wife abandon me a month ago today, the only contact I have had has been bad with her saying God had called her to file for divorce. From what I have gathered she is also committing adultery with her ex that should be in jail for stuff that he did to her. People ask me why I am still wearing my ring after all this as I wait for her to file the papers and I answer them along the same lines as what you wrote.  I have done everything I can to the point of looking like a total fool but when I do find someone in the future my actions will speak a lot for my character.

I went thru many years of lies, affairs, and other unmentionable things.  Remember that no matter what she does or says, it is NOT your fault that she chooses to do these things.  I suffered for a long time thinking that somehow I drove my wife to do these things and would always be trying to change myself so she would stop when in all actuality, she was the one with a problem.

 Utah dad. The bit about God calling her to file for divorce is just one example of how Christian's can be so deceived. She had had numerous affairs and then God tells HER to file for divorce. Now that is truly amazing in its audacity.

primary justice. You sound as if you have your head screwed on right and have a really good and balanced attitude. You are also being very sensible about setting boundaries and allowing her to feel the results of her actions. Often that is the only way that people will repent and see sense.
It is clear form what your wife said that she had no intention of killing herself, but I respect your common sense in that if it happens again or she threatens it, you will get her watched over for the 72 hours, and if she doesn't want that, then she wont do it again.

Also well done for wanting to do the right thing by your wife. My husband treated his ex with dignity and kindness despite her unfaithfulness and bad behaviour torwads him and God is blessing him so much now.God will reward you for good attitudes and fairness believe me.  I respect him highly for his godliness, as he respects me for the way I treated my ex. We both know that divorce was never what we wanted but happened despite this.We both know that neither of us will ever be unfaithful to our spouse.

God Bless

[primaryjustice]

UtahDad - Chosenone is absolutely correct. Sometimes people will say that God told them to do something that seems completely against His character. In any case like that, what I've been taught and learned over and over is to go back to His word. If someone says that God said something that contradicts His word, that's a clear sign it's not of God. God never contradicts His own word.

chosenone - I'm trying :). Not sure what the outcome of this will be, but both my wife and I really need and appreciate as much prayer as possible. It's encouraging to hear that both you and your husband treated your ex's with dignity and respect. I'm learning quickly that it's not something that's easy to do, but it's definitely something that's growing my faith and teaching me to rely on Him for everything, including the strength to do what's right and not what I really feel, which can sometimes be very ugly.

[primaryjustice]

Just wanted to ask if you could all continue to keep my wife and myself in prayer. She just lost her job as a result of her actions (church secretary - not allowed to be in an unrepentant affair), and although I agree with the church letting her go and plan on continuing to attend that church, it will definitely pose a financial burden on her. Perhaps starting to suffer the consequences of her actions will jolt her back to reality, perhaps not. Only time will tell.

Please keep her and I in prayer. I will try to help her in as much as I can under the circumstances.

Thanks in advance.

[haveahope]

I will pray for you and for your wife.  Sin is so blinding. Be patient, I hope you can follow some of the 180 as best suits you and I hope your wife comes to realize all that she will lose.  Like her reputation with a whole church family.  Not that that stops people from this sin...... all too familiar territory here.  
Hope your day is blessed.
HAH

[primaryjustice]

HAH - Thanks for your prayers. I've been incorporating the 180 items into a few of the other things I'm working with. I recently read a quick book called "How to save your marriage alone" by Ed Wheat. I don't remember if I mentioned it earlier here or not. I'm trying to incorporate some (not all) of that into what I'm doing and balancing it out with the 180, advice from Christian friends, and a whole heck of a lot of prayer and Bible reading. It's going to be a long journey, and whatever the outcome, God is in control.

Thanks again!

[FoC]

is this other man a christian?

Good question.
The gent who had sex with my exwife while we were still married claimed to be a 'christian' who was just looking for a woman to spend his life with.
Apparently married women werent crossed off his list of hopefuls.

Is he 'christian' ?
looking at the guy in my case the evidence says no.
Christian men dont go looking for married women to have sex with and to break up their marriages.
As a side note, their marriage is already on the rocks and shes been threatening divorce while hes sitting in front of a playstation 12 hours a day ignoring her.


Great posts, Chosenone. :)

[FoC]

Just wanted to ask if you could all continue to keep my wife and myself in prayer.

Absolutely will add you 2 to our prayers.

[primaryjustice]

I don't think I've ever mentioned on this thread before, but no, the other man is not a Christian. My understanding from what my wife has told me (I don't ask much anymore) is that he used to be a catholic altar boy, and going on some stuff I know from Facebook (we were FB friends for a while - not face to face friends though), he seems incredibly bitter at the church and Christianity in general. I have my suspicions as to why, but they're just that, so I can't really say.

One thing I know for sure, he's definitely changed my wife's perspective on Christianity. While she was once the person who would have to drag me out of bed to go to church and was taking a bus down to a local press to volunteer with packaging and mailing tracts, she now speaks of the ills of organized religion and how it's used to control people's lives. I can't judge her relationship with Christ right now, but I don't think I'd be too far in saying that right now, she's backslidden.

The Bible does say to judge people by their fruit, which FOC is exactly why I understand you saying the other guy is not a Christian although he claims to be one. The word of God never changes, and if someone does something, like you said "go looking for married women to have sex with", we have to really question whether their faith is genuine or not. I believe that if someone falls into this sin with genuine faith, they will have repentant hearts. It may be a struggle, but they will struggle to do what is right. If their entire perception of what is right and wrong gets skewed, as seems to be my wife's case right now ("everything in the Bible is open to interpretation"), all we can do is pray for the Spirit to work in their lives while we try to model Christ.

Thank you for your prayers FOC. Yours as well as so many others are a great source of encouragement to me.