Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?

[primaryjustice]

lightshineon & chosenone - I completely understand your perspectives. Believe me, in the flesh, I want to give my wife the boot and never let her back in again. There have been days when I have been so angry that I literally have wanted to punch holes in a wall, or beat up a punching bag. Right now, I'm already looking beyond my marriage to what lies ahead, but I'm also trusting God that He'll do whatever He wants. Our marriage as it was is over. If we ever do reconcile, which right now seems highly improbable, it will have to be a new marriage, and it will have to be done right. One thing I'm realizing out of all of this, though, is I'm starting to see areas in our marriage that I messed up in. Not areas that merit an affair (nothing does and it's NEVER excusable), but areas where I led us astray. Areas where I should have pointed us back to Christ but I instead went along with sin. I'm trying to use this as a process of self growth at this point, since I seriously doubt my wife wants any reconciliation.

k-pappy - As far as the basic definition of infidelity, no, I have never, ever cheated on my wife. I have in our five years gone out of my way to avoid situations at work and socially that would open the door for that, because I'm weak when it comes to that, and I don't want to even mess with it. That said, Jesus defined adultery in the heart as looking upon a woman to lust after her, and that I'm very guilty of. I repent daily of that, and have definitely gotten better, but my eyes are definitely something I've had a problem with for my entire adult life and even prior. I pray daily about this and I know God is using this experience to work in my heart about that. But again, in as far as it relates to adultery between myself and another person, I have never, ever done that. Never cheated on my wife when we were dating either. I have plenty of other faults though that I'm discovering and praying through.

Thanks again for the responses, and as always, please continue to pray for myself and my wife; for guidance and strength and endurance.

[haveahope]

Just wanted to say that   IMO - NO ONE knows for sure what they will do when facing adultery committed by their spouse.  I said it many times, it would be a deal breaker for me.  You think you know what you'd do, I know that feeling.  But you just can't know until you are there.
HAH

PJ - still praying for you and your wife too. 

[primaryjustice]

HAH - Quite true. I always said that because of stuff in our past (before marriage), our marriage already was a second chance. In fact, the day I discovered, I made my wife choose, and she actually spent the next night out of the house. It was the church that urged me to take her back, and now after the suicide attempt I've got her here because she really has no place to go. Not easy, but it's not for me anymore. I'm trying to do this all for Him.

Thanks again for the prayers. If you've been seeing another thread by UtahDad, he's in a similar situation if you could keep him in prayer as well.

[chosenone]

PJ
God is amazing isnt He that He uses horrible situations for our good, and to bring helaing and cleansing to us. Whatever happens in this situation, he WILL bless you for your faithfullness, and he will continue to use it for good.
Is your wife still wanting to see this other man?

[primaryjustice]

chosenone - He truly is. I'm still believing for good to come out of all of this, regardless of what happens with my marriage. Even though in myself I don't feel like I want my wife back (because of what she's doing), I still pray for restoration in my marriage, because I know God would want that more than divorce, and if He wants He can bring about a change in her heart, and in mine as well.

Yes, as far as she has told me, she had lunch with him on Thursday, spent time with him on Friday "hanging out", and although I believe she saw him this Saturday and played tennis with him this Sunday. I don't know for sure, she's asked me to stop asking, so I've basically just turned her over to God. It seems like now that she no longer works for the church, she doesn't have to deal with the conviction she was feeling as a result, and she basically wants me to back off as well since I remind her of the pain she's causing me. It's in God's hands. Nothing more I can really do. Honestly, I'm hoping she finds a job and moves out quick, although I don't know what God has planned.

[chosenone]

Is she actually looking for a job and a home away from you?
I ask this because my brothers wife did the same ie was having an affair while still living with him, and it was so hard for him. No one should have to put up with that happening. I know that I couldn't do that myself, but I accept that you want to do the right thing. could you say to her that if she wants to see him she will have to move out and that if she stays there, she will have to stop seeing him until she can move out? Do you think she would try to manipulate you again if you did that?
 MY husband also faced this with his ex wife who was seeing another man while in the same house. He was thrown out of the bedroom. No one should have to put up with their spouse being unfaithful while still in the same house, that is extremely cruel.  A for what God wants, well in the case of unfaithfulness that isn't stopping, he does give us a way out for a reason. We have to remember that adultery is extremely serious and was once punishable by death. It breaks the covenant, and He isn't going to think any the less of you if you felt that you had had enough.
It isn't a sin to divorce someone in your position, but the main thing is that only God knows whether she will stop or not, so to be open to His voice and guidance is the main thing.

[lightshineon]

Just wanted to say that   IMO - NO ONE knows for sure what they will do when facing adultery committed by their spouse.  I said it many times, it would be a deal breaker for me.  You think you know what you'd do, I know that feeling.  But you just can't know until you are there.
HAH

PJ - still praying for you and your wife too. 

 I know you are right, but, I know myself and how unfortunately prideful I am.

[lightshineon]

lightshineon & chosenone - I completely understand your perspectives. Believe me, in the flesh, I want to give my wife the boot and never let her back in again. There have been days when I have been so angry that I literally have wanted to punch holes in a wall, or beat up a punching bag. Right now, I'm already looking beyond my marriage to what lies ahead, but I'm also trusting God that He'll do whatever He wants. Our marriage as it was is over. If we ever do reconcile, which right now seems highly improbable, it will have to be a new marriage, and it will have to be done right. One thing I'm realizing out of all of this, though, is I'm starting to see areas in our marriage that I messed up in. Not areas that merit an affair (nothing does and it's NEVER excusable), but areas where I led us astray. Areas where I should have pointed us back to Christ but I instead went along with sin. I'm trying to use this as a process of self growth at this point, since I seriously doubt my wife wants any reconciliation.

k-pappy - As far as the basic definition of infidelity, no, I have never, ever cheated on my wife. I have in our five years gone out of my way to avoid situations at work and socially that would open the door for that, because I'm weak when it comes to that, and I don't want to even mess with it. That said, Jesus defined adultery in the heart as looking upon a woman to lust after her, and that I'm very guilty of. I repent daily of that, and have definitely gotten better, but my eyes are definitely something I've had a problem with for my entire adult life and even prior. I pray daily about this and I know God is using this experience to work in my heart about that. But again, in as far as it relates to adultery between myself and another person, I have never, ever done that. Never cheated on my wife when we were dating either. I have plenty of other faults though that I'm discovering and praying through.

Thanks again for the responses, and as always, please continue to pray for myself and my wife; for guidance and strength and endurance.

 I admire your maturity, I really do, but don't you just not want to be angry, and make her make a choice? I am saying not all anger is unrighteous, and what she is doing is cringing sin into the camp ( your home), she needs to choose, for your spiritual life as well. Stuffed anger. can turn into a root of bitterness, we as humans can be walked on only so much, in this area. Like I said no, never happened to me, but, things have happened to Chosen.

[lightshineon]

chosenone - He truly is. I'm still believing for good to come out of all of this, regardless of what happens with my marriage. Even though in myself I don't feel like I want my wife back (because of what she's doing), I still pray for restoration in my marriage, because I know God would want that more than divorce, and if He wants He can bring about a change in her heart, and in mine as well.

Yes, as far as she has told me, she had lunch with him on Thursday, spent time with him on Friday "hanging out", and although I believe she saw him this Saturday and played tennis with him this Sunday. I don't know for sure, she's asked me to stop asking, so I've basically just turned her over to God. It seems like now that she no longer works for the church, she doesn't have to deal with the conviction she was feeling as a result, and she basically wants me to back off as well since I remind her of the pain she's causing me. It's in God's hands. Nothing more I can really do. Honestly, I'm hoping she finds a job and moves out quick, although I don't know what God has planned.

 Missed the suicide attempt, will have to go back and read. I am praying. Why does she not go live with her new lovey. sounds like he is a real winner.

[lightshineon]

 far as I see Pj, you are standing in some sort of commendation for her sin. I am not a perfect wife, my husband is not a perfect husband, but, he does not have to be, neither do I. I am not getting this, maybe  I will not, maybe I need to pray, but come on, she has set her will against God's and just stepping on you, and her marriage vows. You have to live your convictions, and I do not personally know you, Boy, I want to pull her hair out myself. But alas, i will pray for you and God's will, and UD also., and throw myself in the prayer somewhere.

[chosenone]

I just feel that while we are to forgive, God doesnt not expect us to be used and trampled on and mapiulated by our spouse or anyone else. Boundaries are actually very godly. I think you are a little afraid to be firm again in case she decides to try the same thing as before. And after all, she got what she wanted that time.She has her cake and is eating it, She has the benefits of home and having her bills paid and you to do things and at the same time she is going off and spending as much time as she wants with him. he doenst want her to be in his house so its likely that she will be with you for some time to come. Can that be right?Should we as Christians allow our spouses to act like that with no boundaries?.
In your shoes I would have to set the priviso that she either moves out if she wants to see him, or she stops seeing him and stays. (at least while she is living with you ) I dont knw how anyone can treat their spouse like that, it is actually appalling.
Maybe a time frame will help. one month to decide and to move out. Her lover has offered to get her an appt so he can do that now.

[primaryjustice]

lightshineon - I see what you're saying about allowing the sin to go on and standing in place for it. I've been wrestling with that myself and it may be one of the reasons this does feel like in some ways it's eating me up inside. I feel almost like I'm enabling this sin, and I need to pray about that hard because that's something I don't want to do.

chosenone - Appalling is definitely one of the many words I can use to describe this kind of thing. I think you may be right, too, that I may be afraid of her flipping out again. I have given her four weeks (that's when her severance pay runs out) to get a job and start paying her bills, and she's actively looking for a job. You're right, though, there do need to be at least the bare minimum boundary of not seeing this man if she continues to live in the home. I will pray about that this evening and confront her about it. I'm pretty much ready to let the chips land where they may at this point; what she is doing is becoming unbearable.

Please pray for tonight. I hope for a peaceful outcome, but I know in her messed up emotional state right now, anything is possible.

[primaryjustice]

Quick question - does anyone know if there are any legal aspects to asking a cheating spouse to leave the house? Am I legally able to do that in the state of CA? Just wondering if anyone knows.

Thanks.

[chosenone]

Pj you say she has a messed up emotional state, but she is quite well enough to go and play tennis. Seems strange that.When I was depressed many years ago , I could barely drag myself out of bed let alone even THINK of doing anything else.
Its good that you have given her a month. That gives you both a time to aim for, and so you both know where you are. otherwise this could go on indefinitely.

 I know when my husbands ex was seeing another man while he was still in the same house, (but sleeping in a room downstairs), she wanted him to stay (even after she started divorce proceedings) because she wanted him to carry on paying ALL of the bills (even though she was working full time as well) and she wanted him to carry on doing all of the many jobs round the house,cleaning and maintaining both cars, all the gardening,the shopping and most of the cooking etc etc. She wanted him to do all the husbandly 'duties'(without the sex) and with her going out to see another man and divorcing him. What arrogance,
Fortunately a friend helped him to see how he was being used and  totally taken advantage of, and he moved out soon after that. (She refused to move out). That is why I hate to see people like you treated this way, as I saw it happen to him.

I will pray for you tonight. If she will move out in a few weeks, surely she can manage without seeing him for that short time, and that will give her an added incentive to look hard for a job and somewhere to stay.

[chosenone]

Quick question - does anyone know if there are any legal aspects to asking a cheating spouse to leave the house? Am I legally able to do that in the state of CA? Just wondering if anyone knows.

Thanks.

 

Is the house in joint names? if it is then she may have as much right to stay as you. I am in the UK, but that is why my husband had to leave their joint house, as she refused and as they were getting divorced , one of them had to leave. Of course she got her way yet again in that.