Author Topic: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?  (Read 43970 times)

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Offline chosenone

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #70 on: Mon Oct 19, 2009 - 17:58:18 »
I just feel that while we are to forgive, God doesnt not expect us to be used and trampled on and mapiulated by our spouse or anyone else. Boundaries are actually very godly. I think you are a little afraid to be firm again in case she decides to try the same thing as before. And after all, she got what she wanted that time.She has her cake and is eating it, She has the benefits of home and having her bills paid and you to do things and at the same time she is going off and spending as much time as she wants with him. he doenst want her to be in his house so its likely that she will be with you for some time to come. Can that be right?Should we as Christians allow our spouses to act like that with no boundaries?.
In your shoes I would have to set the priviso that she either moves out if she wants to see him, or she stops seeing him and stays. (at least while she is living with you ) I dont knw how anyone can treat their spouse like that, it is actually appalling.
Maybe a time frame will help. one month to decide and to move out. Her lover has offered to get her an appt so he can do that now.

Offline primaryjustice

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #71 on: Mon Oct 19, 2009 - 18:19:28 »
lightshineon - I see what you're saying about allowing the sin to go on and standing in place for it. I've been wrestling with that myself and it may be one of the reasons this does feel like in some ways it's eating me up inside. I feel almost like I'm enabling this sin, and I need to pray about that hard because that's something I don't want to do.

chosenone - Appalling is definitely one of the many words I can use to describe this kind of thing. I think you may be right, too, that I may be afraid of her flipping out again. I have given her four weeks (that's when her severance pay runs out) to get a job and start paying her bills, and she's actively looking for a job. You're right, though, there do need to be at least the bare minimum boundary of not seeing this man if she continues to live in the home. I will pray about that this evening and confront her about it. I'm pretty much ready to let the chips land where they may at this point; what she is doing is becoming unbearable.

Please pray for tonight. I hope for a peaceful outcome, but I know in her messed up emotional state right now, anything is possible.

Offline primaryjustice

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #72 on: Mon Oct 19, 2009 - 18:25:00 »
Quick question - does anyone know if there are any legal aspects to asking a cheating spouse to leave the house? Am I legally able to do that in the state of CA? Just wondering if anyone knows.

Thanks.

Offline chosenone

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #73 on: Mon Oct 19, 2009 - 18:38:23 »
Pj you say she has a messed up emotional state, but she is quite well enough to go and play tennis. Seems strange that.When I was depressed many years ago , I could barely drag myself out of bed let alone even THINK of doing anything else.
Its good that you have given her a month. That gives you both a time to aim for, and so you both know where you are. otherwise this could go on indefinitely.

 I know when my husbands ex was seeing another man while he was still in the same house, (but sleeping in a room downstairs), she wanted him to stay (even after she started divorce proceedings) because she wanted him to carry on paying ALL of the bills (even though she was working full time as well) and she wanted him to carry on doing all of the many jobs round the house,cleaning and maintaining both cars, all the gardening,the shopping and most of the cooking etc etc. She wanted him to do all the husbandly 'duties'(without the sex) and with her going out to see another man and divorcing him. What arrogance,
Fortunately a friend helped him to see how he was being used and  totally taken advantage of, and he moved out soon after that. (She refused to move out). That is why I hate to see people like you treated this way, as I saw it happen to him.

I will pray for you tonight. If she will move out in a few weeks, surely she can manage without seeing him for that short time, and that will give her an added incentive to look hard for a job and somewhere to stay.

Offline chosenone

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #74 on: Mon Oct 19, 2009 - 18:42:38 »
Quick question - does anyone know if there are any legal aspects to asking a cheating spouse to leave the house? Am I legally able to do that in the state of CA? Just wondering if anyone knows.

Thanks.
 

Is the house in joint names? if it is then she may have as much right to stay as you. I am in the UK, but that is why my husband had to leave their joint house, as she refused and as they were getting divorced , one of them had to leave. Of course she got her way yet again in that.

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #74 on: Mon Oct 19, 2009 - 18:42:38 »

Offline primaryjustice

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #75 on: Mon Oct 19, 2009 - 18:51:03 »
We actually rent an apartment, so it's that much easier. I just spoke with our landlord (also happens to be our Pastor), and he said he would look into it. I want to make sure that going forward if I ask her to leave, I have the legal right to do so. Our lease is under both of our names, and to rewrite it would require both my wife and myself to agree on it.

Still praying for miracles, because God can do anything, but trying to make sure my bases are covered as well.

Offline chosenone

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #76 on: Mon Oct 19, 2009 - 18:58:21 »
We actually rent an apartment, so it's that much easier. I just spoke with our landlord (also happens to be our Pastor), and he said he would look into it. I want to make sure that going forward if I ask her to leave, I have the legal right to do so. Our lease is under both of our names, and to rewrite it would require both my wife and myself to agree on it.

Still praying for miracles, because God can do anything, but trying to make sure my bases are covered as well.
 

yes miracles do happen, but if a person has hardened their heart God cant make them do anything without them repenting and turning back to Him.
An alternative may be for you to move out into another appt, and to put the appt in her name only, and for her to stay in that one. I know that doesnt  seem fair for you, but it may be  easier for you in the long run.
Keep on praying and being open to what God says.
God Bless

Offline primaryjustice

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #77 on: Mon Oct 19, 2009 - 21:21:42 »
I thought about doing that as well...leaving her to the apartment. Only problem with that is I know she can't afford it, and the owner is actually our (well, mine now) pastor, so I don't want to cause him any trouble in all of this. We just moved here a few months ago (long after the affair was already in full bloom but before I knew), and it's a really nice place. In part I feel that I shouldn't have to leave since I'm not the one trying to wreck our marriage. It's definitely on my mind though, and it's another option I'll discuss with the owner next time I call him.

Offline lightshineon

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #78 on: Mon Oct 19, 2009 - 21:22:34 »
 This different of course in nature somewhat, but I will tell you a story PJ. When I lived in Arkansas for a while, I was very young, and not married very long. We went to an assembly of God church there. Very, very, nice loving people. The song leader, was married with children, and his wife moved her homosexual over in the home. The man permitted it, though, he hated it. They ask him to step down from leadership, because he was not in control of his own family. At the time being the young dummy, I was, i felt sorry for the man. Through the years and as I matured in Christ, I see now why, they ask him to step down. The man is the Spiritual leader in the home, and Will be judged as such, and if he, lets sin reign in the home. He will fall out of fellowship with God, not talking about salvation. Here is another thought, I could not stand my husband coming home smelling of another woman. She does not respect you, because you teach people how to treat you ( Dr. Phil), it is true though. This is unhealthy, destructive, and unholy. Now, if she repents, I am praying she does, but, until then my home would be a Godly home. I cannot believe the Church encouraged you to have her live with you. Where is her winner of a stud muffin? I am praying Gods will, and she changes, and you guard your heart above all things, which is the well spring of life.

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #78 on: Mon Oct 19, 2009 - 21:22:34 »

Offline lightshineon

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #79 on: Mon Oct 19, 2009 - 21:24:40 »
I thought about doing that as well...leaving her to the apartment. Only problem with that is I know she can't afford it, and the owner is actually our (well, mine now) pastor, so I don't want to cause him any trouble in all of this. We just moved here a few months ago (long after the affair was already in full bloom but before I knew), and it's a really nice place. In part I feel that I shouldn't have to leave since I'm not the one trying to wreck our marriage. It's definitely on my mind though, and it's another option I'll discuss with the owner next time I call him.



 Did he not encourage you to let her move back in? If she cannot afford it, well maybe her boyfriend can chip in.

Offline Daddy Long Legs

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #80 on: Tue Oct 20, 2009 - 00:07:23 »
Hello. I'm new to this forum and was interested in seeking some council from other believers. My situation is not uncommon. Long story short, my wife has been having an affair with a man she met, who from day one I said was bad news. While no affair is simple, if it were a matter of committing infidelity, removing the affair, and seeking at all costs to repair the marriage, I would still be hurting but would dive in head first to try and fix the problem. What complicates this it that she is completely in love with the man. She has always had a difficult time opening her heart to me, or anyone, but apparently she did with this man. She gave him her heart, soul, and body.

The affair has been going on since mid-January, and although I'd been heavily suspecting it for months, I found out for sure last Tuesday. Immediately she told me I had no idea how deep it ran, and since my first reaction was to choose between him and me, she said she can't leave him, that it would be the end of her. Since then it's been crushing my heart to find out more and more details about just how intimate this relationship is (way beyond just physical). I've made the mistake of asking several questions and the answers have been devastating.

Even with all of that said, she says she still loves me, but had "checked out" of the marriage before this affair even started. Additionally, she knows the Bible well, and is very well aware of what scripture says about adultery. She says she knew going in, and that she made her choices, but she never wanted to hurt me, and she does not hate me.

We have talked to our pastors and have been referred to counseling, however I find it next to impossible to believe that it will do much unless there is a fundamental change in her heart and she makes the choice, of her own free desire, to end the relationship with the other man. This would indeed require that her heart change with God, and only then can restoration begin. I know I should believe in God for miracles, but is that what I'm doing here, or am I just being a doormat?

Any help / prayers would be greatly appreciated, both for myself and her. I still do love her very much, despite this mortal blow to our marriage. God is capable of resurrection.

The only example where Jesus tells us it is acceptable to dissolve a marriage is one of infidelity.  I believe that He does so because it is too painful and marriage was instituted to be an intimate relationship between two people and representative of the relationship that Christ has with His Church (us).  A violation of this covenant is contemptible to God.  See the Old Testament where Israel acted as a harlot with idols, etc.

Offline primaryjustice

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #81 on: Tue Oct 20, 2009 - 11:01:40 »
I should clarify something in defense of the church and our pastor; his and their initial encouragement was in the first couple of days after I discovered the affair, when they believed there was a strong chance for our marriage to survive if we both committed to it. At the time my wife had agreed to go to couples counseling (though I really doubt her motives about why), so they felt she was trying to work through this. In those first couple of days, I had already began filing for divorce and splitting up our finances, but was motivated to give it a good go believing restoration was possible.

Since then, my pastor/owner has become gradually disgusted by my wife's behavior, and while he hasn't officially told me she should move out of the house, we've had "man to man" talks where he's opened up a bit and told me what he truly feels. It was very difficult, very painful for him and the church to let her go, since she'd been there over five years and was like family, but they did make her resign because of her unrepentant adultery.

Right now I haven't made any final decisions regarding asking her to leave the house again, and I'm praying for God's guidance and timing. I'm trying to search God's word, guard my heart, and be open to the leading of the Spirit.

DLL - You're absolutely right about infidelity being one of the clearest biblical reasons for divorce. Christ very clearly says that it's an acceptable reason for divorce. I do believe though, and may be wrong here, that God always pursued his people even when they went astray. Again, I'm not as knowledgeable in the Bible as I wish I were, but I'm definitely trying. I'm trying to differentiate between my emotions/my heart (which can be deceitful) and doing what's right by Gods word. My heart is broken and in a lot of pain/anger/hurt right now...I can't let it be my guide. But I don't want to go against His word. If anyone has any scripture they could point to here it would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks again for everyone's prayers. I know I'm getting long winded with these posts!

Offline Charles Sloan

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #82 on: Tue Oct 20, 2009 - 12:32:02 »
I'm really sorry to hear what you are going through, there really is no betrayal that runs deeper than adultery. I applaud your willingness to try and work things out, especially with how impenitent her behavior has been. Honestly, I don't know if I could deal with your situation as well as you have.

But I would think about a few things. First it seems like you wife wants to have her cake and eat it too. Since you haven't given an ultimatum or thrown her out, it seems like you have become an enabler to her behavior. I know this was never your intention, but with you knowing she is cheating and there being no consequences, for the time being she has the best of both worlds. If things don't work out with her boyfriend, she can always go back to you. Plus, as long as you tolerate her behavior, she has you taking care of the bills, mortgage, rent or whatever your contribution is to the household. I'm not sure of your financial arrangements, but I'm sure you see what I'm driving at.

My second point is that she might be bluffing. She says that she checked out of the marriage before this happened, and she is completely in love with Mr. Homewrecker, but for whatever reason she hasn't left and completely committed herself to this new relationship. For whatever reasons she has, she either doesn't fully trust this guy or has doubts about their future; or she doesn't want to burn her bridge with you. If this is the case, if you called her out and kicked her to the curb she may just break down and dump the boyfriend and beg for forgiveness. But I am totally speculating here, it just seems weird to find your "soul-mate" but continue living in your current relationship that your not happy in. I don't know, it just doesn't seem to add up.

I really hate to give advice in a situation like this because I don't have to deal with the consequences if things don't work out. But I hope maybe these observations might help put something in perspective, otherwise I really hope this works out for you.

Offline chosenone

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #83 on: Tue Oct 20, 2009 - 13:13:52 »
the trouble is Charles that her boyfriend wont have her in his house, and also the last time PJ attempted to set boundaries and asked her to leave,she pretented to committ suicide thus manipulating him into having her back.

Offline Charles Sloan

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #84 on: Tue Oct 20, 2009 - 14:08:23 »
the trouble is Charles that her boyfriend wont have her in his house, and also the last time PJ attempted to set boundaries and asked her to leave,she pretented to committ suicide thus manipulating him into having her back.

I see.

The suicide threats kind of reinforce the idea that shes bluffing. Since if she is seriously considering killing herself as an alternative to homelessness or supporting herself she needs to be committed. Either she needs to get some help if she is really suicidal or she needs to face the consequences of her actions. If she doesn't it seems she will continue taking advantage of the people around her and using their compassion to manipulate them.

One a side note, why does the new boyfriend say she isn't allowed in the house?  

Offline chosenone

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #85 on: Tue Oct 20, 2009 - 14:22:15 »
the trouble is Charles that her boyfriend wont have her in his house, and also the last time PJ attempted to set boundaries and asked her to leave,she pretented to committ suicide thus manipulating him into having her back.

I see.

The suicide threats kind of reinforce the idea that shes bluffing. Since if she is seriously considering killing herself as an alternative to homelessness or supporting herself she needs to be committed. Either she needs to get some help if she is really suicidal or she needs to face the consequences of her actions. If she doesn't it seems she will continue taking advantage of the people around her and using their compassion to manipulate them.

One a side note, why does the new boyfriend say she isn't allowed in the house? 


 Pj will have to answer that one but maybe it is that he doesnt want the responsibility of her full time. He is happyto have an affair but without the full time committment maybe?Apparently he (the boyfriend)has offered to set her up in a flat but why she wont take him up on that only she knows. I just hate to see people manipulated and taken advantage of. I have seen tot much if it.

Offline primaryjustice

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #86 on: Tue Oct 20, 2009 - 15:13:40 »
Charles - Thank you for your responses and insight. Regarding the suicide attempt, I think it absolutely was her way of not wanting to cope with the consequences of her actions. I believe it was chosenone who said upon hearing about the suicide attempt that it was absolutely a form of manipulation to which I agree in hindsight. One things for sure, she hasn't brought it up again after spending a week in the hospital and almost causing permanent damage to her liver.

From conversations I had with her early on, she told me her "lover" never wanted this affair reaching his home. He has two kids which he apparently doesn't want "involved" in his affair. She said they had both agreed it was never the intent for her to leave and move in with him. What she says she wanted and wants is to move out on her own and date him. Not sure how much of that is her and how much of that is his manipulation. That's only one of several red flags that have come up in that relationship. So far, she's lost her marriage as it was, her job, and almost lost her life. I don't think this man has lost anything at all in this relationship so far. But alas, someone in her state can't really see that since she's put up some pretty big blinders.

chosenone - I appreciate your concern about the manipulation. I know what she's doing is blatantly manipulating, and if I'm not mistaken, the reason she's still in our house is because she doesn't have a job that pays her enough to move out, and the reason she hasn't filed for divorce is money/doesn't want to lose her health insurance. That said, in addition to a lot of prayer and searching the Bible, I'm starting to take steps to cover myself so that if/when I do ask her to leave again, it's permanent and can't come back and bite me. On the one hand, that buys her a bit more time to find some kind of employment and maybe actually snap out of this, but on the other hand, it gives me the time to rationally have a plan in case she decides to try something unpredictable when I ask her to leave. That's why I'm talking to my pastor/landlord, and I may seek legal counsel if necessary to cover all of my bases.

Still hoping and praying!

As a sidenote, has anyone ever read "Love must be tough" by Dr. Dobson? Just picked up a copy. I'm interested in seeing what kind of advice it offers.

Offline chosenone

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #87 on: Tue Oct 20, 2009 - 15:53:25 »
Hi PJ
have you actually told her that she has to leave soon? It may be best for her to have proir warning.is she OK about that?
She does indeed seem to have blinders about this man. Is she sure that he isnt actually still married? Are his children living with him?Its actually very sad as you can see from a mile off that their relationship isnt going to work, but what can you do? He wants the affair but not the responsibility it seems.
Thats really good that you are seeing your pastor, so that you can have His support and advice, about the appartment  and the situation as a whole.  As for the medical insurance, well if she doesnt want you she cant have that for ever can she. It is one of the things that she will have to sort out herself.

Offline primaryjustice

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #88 on: Tue Oct 20, 2009 - 16:21:09 »
Yep, we've discussed it and she's made it sound like it's what she's wanted from the beginning. Not sure how true that is, if she's bluffing, or what she really wants, since I hate to say it but I don't trust much of what she says anymore.

As far as the other man being married, sure, could be for all I know. Sounds like my wife completely, 100% trusts the guy (again, red flag...you 100% trust a guy who just helped a woman wreck her faith/marriage/job/mental health), and she says he's been divorced for a few years. Interestingly enough, I wonder if she's ever done a basic online search for him. His white pages listing online shows a woman in his household. Might be his ex and the listing is old, might be he's hiding quite a bit. Doesn't matter really, doesn't change what she's done. I don't trust him one bit.

Not too worried about the medical insurance. That'll be on her if this ends in divorce.

Offline Charles Sloan

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #89 on: Tue Oct 20, 2009 - 19:32:41 »
Charles - Thank you for your responses and insight. Regarding the suicide attempt, I think it absolutely was her way of not wanting to cope with the consequences of her actions. I believe it was chosenone who said upon hearing about the suicide attempt that it was absolutely a form of manipulation to which I agree in hindsight. One things for sure, she hasn't brought it up again after spending a week in the hospital and almost causing permanent damage to her liver.

From conversations I had with her early on, she told me her "lover" never wanted this affair reaching his home. He has two kids which he apparently doesn't want "involved" in his affair. She said they had both agreed it was never the intent for her to leave and move in with him. What she says she wanted and wants is to move out on her own and date him. Not sure how much of that is her and how much of that is his manipulation. That's only one of several red flags that have come up in that relationship. So far, she's lost her marriage as it was, her job, and almost lost her life. I don't think this man has lost anything at all in this relationship so far. But alas, someone in her state can't really see that since she's put up some pretty big blinders.

Sounds like he doesn't want her apart of his personal life, but he isn't too concerned about the collateral damage this affair wreaks in her life. There is one thing I would just like to point out again, it seems like you are enabling her behavior since there seems to be no consequences for her actions whatsoever. If she feels she can do whatever she wants and you will be there to pick up the pieces, even if this affair blows over there will always be another similar situation in the not to distant future.

This is just an observation, but it seems like you will always be holding the short end of the stick.

Offline haveahope

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #90 on: Wed Oct 21, 2009 - 08:35:49 »
PJ - hi, haven't been on here for a couple days.  I read through the last page pretty quickly.  One thing stands out to me.  The OM - has kids? And you are not sure if he is married, says he isn't but is listed with a woman?  I think it's time to find out for sure.  Do a search of county records.  IF HE IS married, his wife has a right to know what is going on. I mean every right to know!! 

HAH

Offline primaryjustice

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #91 on: Wed Oct 21, 2009 - 10:51:21 »
Charles - I believe you are right with your observation, and just recently I think I've admitted to myself that a) There is a degree of fear of the conflict that will happen if/when I ask her to leave but, b) It will come soon, regardless of that conflict. I went home yesterday and literally devoured half of the book I mentioned earlier, "Love must be tough". Bottom line; if the spouse wants to leave, open the cage door, set them free, and make sure they know there's no guarantee you'll be there later. Makes sense, and Dobson does use scripture to support his position. He does recommend prayer and talking to a counselor/pastor beforehand to make sure you have all your ducks in line, but then moving forward boldly without trying to cling at all.

HAH - I think that isn't a bad idea and now since my curiosity's peaked, I will go and check. On one perspective, I don't really care since it doesn't change what my wife has done. For the sake of the other spouse however, if he is married, it might be good for me to know. Like I've said, 21 years older, 2 kids (supposedly), divorced (?), doesn't want her in his home...this won't end well for my wife...everyone we've spoken with tells her the same thing, which is one of the reasons she's pushed everyone away completely. All I can do is continue to pray for her, and once she leaves the house, I'll continue as well, but will most likely file for divorce quickly thereafter.

Once again, please continue to pray for her, myself, and our marriage. Many thanks!

Offline Mere Nick

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #92 on: Wed Oct 21, 2009 - 15:21:20 »
At least you seem to be seeing to it she is the one who leaves.  There is someone else with a similar thread saying the wife is telling him to leave.  The one who wants out or is stepping out should be the one to pull bags, not the one being cheated on.

Offline primaryjustice

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #93 on: Thu Oct 22, 2009 - 16:09:11 »
Mere - I agree. I think it's the ultimate insult for someone to commit adultery and then ask the faithful spouse to leave. At least my wife hasn't done that. If she did, I would unleash such emotional outrage and pain on her (never physical; I will never, ever strike any woman, especially not my wife) that it would break her completely. She's already not 100% emotionally stable, so it wouldn't be too hard.

That said, I'm now officially working toward a separation, although I'm still fervently praying for God's will and for restoration of my marriage. Since digital evidence can sometimes come back and haunt us, I'm not going to post any more details on here (also this is an open forum that anyone can read if they wish), but suffice it to say there's concrete steps taking place. It hurts my heart heavily, but through prayer, reading the Word, talking with Pastors and other believers, posting here and finally the Dobson book I'm almost done with, I've come to understand that true love does not equal being a doormat for sin, or standing by and allowing it to take place.

As always, please continue to pray for us. The steps I'm taking are going to be very painful for both of us, but sometimes pain is part of doing what is right.

Offline lightshineon

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #94 on: Fri Oct 23, 2009 - 15:42:27 »
 praying.

Offline primaryjustice

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #95 on: Mon Oct 26, 2009 - 18:21:52 »
lightshineone - Thanks for your prayers. The more the better right now. I truly appreciate it.

haveahope - A two minute call revealed that no one under this mans name (or under the woman's name he's listed with) has filed for divorce in the past six years within the county. While I may have missed something such as he may have filed for divorce elsewhere or may have been living in another county when he filed, I'm seriously starting to think this man is still married. I'll leave it at that.

Thanks again for all of the prayers.

Offline haveahope

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #96 on: Tue Oct 27, 2009 - 01:10:19 »
PJ - hope you are doing fine and taking care of yourself.  Eat, drink get some rest.  Tylenol PM worked wonders for me.  Get stronger meds if you need them for a time. 

 I'm sorry you are going through this.  It's a pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, if I had one.  If I were a betting person I'd bet that man was still married and is cheating on his wife.  Pray the Lord reveals to you what you need to know.  Have you had any contact with your wife?

Keep on praying, I'm praying for you too.
HAH

Offline primaryjustice

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #97 on: Thu Oct 29, 2009 - 15:34:40 »
hah - Thanks for your concern. Definitely trying my best to take care of myself. It feels like the past few days have been extremely difficult, yet I've still managed to sleep relatively well considering. I thank God for that. All this has taught me the meaning of praying without ceasing!

Wife is still in the house, however I'm finalizing a few things and have been in heavy prayer and talking with pastors and others before precipitating crisis. It will come, though, and it will be initiated by me.

I'm willing to bet he's married as well. I called again the next day and verified my information, even asking them to search with variations of his name. Nothing came up. It would clearly explain why he doesn't want the affair to reach his home.

Thanks again for your prayers! They keep me and others in difficult situations going.

Offline chosenone

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #98 on: Thu Oct 29, 2009 - 15:50:01 »
PJ have you mentioned to your wife that he may be married?It does seem strange that he wont let her in his house and also it seems strange that she doesnt think that is anything to worry about. I guess we can close our eyes to things that we dont want to see.
Is she still seeing him?
Its sounds as if you are doing all the right things. If she refuses to stop seeing him then I dont think you have any alternative. No one should be expected to live with a spouse who is having an affair and wont stop.Its also good that you are getting so much godly support and advice. God Bless

Offline primaryjustice

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #99 on: Sun Nov 01, 2009 - 18:48:10 »
Asked my wife to leave the house last night. She went to stay with her brother for a few days this morning. Told her if she wanted to work things out she was welcome to come back. She was having a panic attack this morning and is in really bad shape because the only job she has is a part time seasonal job she's starting next week. Please pray for her. I love her with all of my heart but can no longer be of any help to her. It's between her and God now. She still has not given up the other man, although I don't think their relationship is the same any more.

Offline chosenone

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #100 on: Mon Nov 02, 2009 - 07:34:33 »
Asked my wife to leave the house last night. She went to stay with her brother for a few days this morning. Told her if she wanted to work things out she was welcome to come back. She was having a panic attack this morning and is in really bad shape because the only job she has is a part time seasonal job she's starting next week. Please pray for her. I love her with all of my heart but can no longer be of any help to her. It's between her and God now. She still has not given up the other man, although I don't think their relationship is the same any more.


 How do you know she has had a panic attack? It may be a good idea of you dont have any contact unless she wants to come back as she may well try to manipulate you again.
I think you did say that she has told you that even if this relationship broke up, she still wants to leave, was that right? if that is the case then she needs to be looking for a full time job now.

I know it is hard for you. if we love someone we dont want to see them hurt, but as that book says love has to be tough sometimes and her carrying on having an affair while living with you was terrible behaviour.

Sometimes people have to go right into the pit before they cry out to God

Offline lightshineon

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #101 on: Mon Nov 02, 2009 - 08:37:28 »
 PJ, what a sweet man you are asking everyone to pray for the one who harmed you. How Christlike you are. OK, I do not want to but I will, because you love her with all your heart. I might though tend to agree with Chosen One, at least until the other man is gone. I would also be tested for various diseases, that could be transmitted by having relations. God Bless you, and God please help PJ wife get her mind right.

Offline primaryjustice

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #102 on: Mon Nov 02, 2009 - 13:00:28 »
chosenone - I'm pretty sure based on physical factors that she was having a panic attack. She calmed down after a bit and was able to collect her thoughts well enough to contact her family for help finally. She's been looking for a number of jobs in the past month but I suppose the economy being what it is all she was able to find was part time seasonal work.

You are right. Last week was horrible. I was driven to a point where while I wasn't considering suicide, I really had begun to not want to be alive anymore, the pain was so great. The sorrow was starting to overwhelm me, and I think part of it was I realized something had to be done. Now that it's done, I still have a great deal of sorrow and am praying for my wife almost all the time, but I feel like there's more order and focus, and I can at least start going forward slowly. The one comfort I have is that I know she hasn't touched her Bible in weeks, but when she left, she took it with her. I'm praying she opens it, reads it, and starts to let God's word into her heart again.

lightshineone - Thank you for your prayers. God knows we need them right now. I can't help but love her and be concerned about her, but I have fully accepted that I can't be of any help to her right now. Early on in prayer God revealed to me that he wanted me to get out of the way so he could work with her, but I don't think I've fully done that until now. It's now fully in God's hands, and the choice is ultimately hers. On her way out, I told her my heart is still open, but it has to be her choice and I'm not going to force her.

Re: testing; I had a number of tests done weeks ago, despite her assurances. Thank God everything was fine, and one of the definite conditions of reconciliation would be for her to be fully tested as well. I don't trust this other man in any way, so who knows what he could be carrying.

Thank you all again for your prayers. As always, please keep my wife in prayer. Like chosenone said, sometimes people have to go to the pit before crying out to God. I hope she starts crying out to Him and actually listens when he answers.

Offline primaryjustice

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #103 on: Fri Nov 06, 2009 - 15:14:15 »
Just wanted to keep requesting prayer for myself and especially my wife. Haven't spoken with her since Sunday morning, so I don't know what's going on but I certainly ask we keep her in prayer. One change I've noticed in me is that having her out of the house has dissipated my anger and all I really have for her now is great love and compassion. My heart is open to forgiveness if she so chooses, but regardless I'm praying for her constantly.

Many thanks!

Offline lightshineon

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Re: Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?
« Reply #104 on: Fri Nov 06, 2009 - 15:21:14 »
 ::pray:: I am praying. The good news is God is in the restoration business. I find, it interesting that having her leave helped you with your anger. Maybe, that was the Lords plan of you getting out of the way. Sometimes, we do not realize how good we have things until it is gone. Your wife took for granted the jewel of a husband she has in you. I am also praying for Utah dad.

 

     
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